Home→Forums→Tough Times→self anger and regret
- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
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April 24, 2024 at 7:17 am #431994NikiParticipant
Some of my family members have been struggling more than others for a while. These family members have consistently faced tougher challenges. I recognize their hardships, but over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern: those used to receiving help have started taking it for granted. They’ve become perpetual takers, while the givers in our family, like rivers, keep flowing endlessly. Even as things start to improve, the giving doesn’t seem to slow down. It makes me wonder: when will the givers stop and ask themselves what just happened?
It’s particularly troubling because these takers often don’t realize how one-sided this dynamic has become. They don’t see how their actions are hurtful to those who give so much. Sometimes, when they have a chance to contribute or help, they simply choose not to. It’s frustrating, especially since my family, who has been more fortunate, is expected to maintain this generosity.
We’ve been doing well; we’ve lived abroad and when we returned, everything from our lifestyle to our manners seemed to fascinate people, especially those from smaller towns or villages. There’s an undercurrent of jealousy and a sense of aspiration in their attitudes. Over the years, I’ve seen them mimic our choices and lifestyle, striving to capture some essence of our lives in theirs.
But this admiration comes with expectations that are taxing and unrealistic. They expect us to behave in a certain way, to continuously set an example. It’s exhausting. I’m tired of being the role model and the go-to person for help. They wear my clothes, use my things, and when I need assistance, they’re nowhere to be found. Yet, when they need help, they don’t hesitate to call or show up because they know they can count on me.
At this point, how does one handle this? Perhaps the solution is to tell them how I feel or distance myself. It’s challenging to maintain such relationships when it feels like you’re the only one investing in them. It’s taken a toll on my mental health and peace and although it shouldn’t affect me so much, because I feel there is so much history and years of efforts invested that it’s getting hard me to get over it.
I started therapy 3 months ago, there are a lot of things I’ve realized and am realizing and understand that healing is not, but some moments I just want to shout. I am finding it really hard to forgive myself for being soooo stupid and falling into the same trap my mom since her younger days. I could see the patterns and parallels and it doesn’t feel good.
April 24, 2024 at 8:15 am #431998anitaParticipantDear Niki:
“Some moments I just want to shout“- I imagine your usual calm, measured, controlled voice by your writing: perfectly accurate grammar (as far as I can tell), measured rhythm, calm tone.. perfectly intelligent, educated writing.
But underneath, there is an angry girl who wants to shout!
“I am finding it really hard to forgive myself for being soooo stupid… I could see the patterns and parallels and it doesn’t feel good.“- there is an equation my past therapist taught me a dozen years ago: Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind. To act wisely, we need not only rational intelligence but emotional intelligence.
The latter requires the courage (1) to see things as they are even though it doesn’t feel good to see them as they are, things we wish were different, (2) to break the status quo, to change the patterns and parallels; to depart from your mother’s ways and to choose your own way.
“I’ve noticed a pattern: those used to receiving help have… become perpetual takers, while the givers in our family, like rivers, keep flowing endlessly… this admiration comes with expectations that are taxing and unrealistic. They expect us to behave in a certain way… It’s exhausting. I’m tired of being the role model and the go-to person for help… It’s taken a toll on my mental health… falling into the same trap my mom since her younger days“- the status quo is you being a role model and a giver, a super human specimen who is not expected to take, to fail, to be human.
As a human, these super- human expectations and status quo is taking a toll on your mental health. Did I understand correctly?
anita
April 24, 2024 at 9:01 am #432001HelcatParticipantHi Niki
I have a question, did your family invest in you to be able to live abroad? Or is this something that you did without help?
The way I see things everyone gets help from various sources. If you don’t own your own business, whoever you work for helps you. Perhaps your coworkers or your partner help more than the people you help? Your therapist is helping you and you are looking for a kind ear here.
We are expected to care for our parents as they get older as they cared for us when we were children. Physically, they aren’t able to support themselves in the same way.
Perhaps a good exercise might be to reflect on who has helped you over your lifetime?
It honestly depends on circumstances. Sometimes helping someone is helping them to help themselves. It is tempting to default to do something to immediately ease suffering when perhaps the ideal situation is to encourage the individual to develop strength. It is a delicate balance to offer the right amount of help. Too much and the person doesn’t take care of themselves. Too little and there is unnecessarily suffering.
No doubt you are a good person helping other people. But do you take the time to help yourself? You have to take care of yourself in order to help others.
You mentioned that you have fallen into patterns similar to your mother. Would you like to talk more about that?
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
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