8 Ways to Be More Confident: Live the Life of Your Dreams

“With realization of one's own potential & self confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world.” ~Dalai Lama

For the vast majority of my life I didn’t believe I could do most of the things I wanted to do.

I knew I wanted to be in a relationship, but I feared that if I got into one I’d do something to mess it up.

I wanted to perform on Broadway, but even moving to New York City didn’t give me the courage to audition.

I wanted to be a writer, but I thought it was far too difficult to get published and therefore didn’t even try until my late twenties.

Maybe you’ve never been as unsure of yourself as I used to be, but you can likely relate to that feeling of wanting to do something but feeling terrified to start. This not only limits your potential in life; it also minimizes your ability to make a positive impact on the world around you.

There’s a lot that goes into overcoming those fears. You may need to challenge limiting beliefs formed years ago, or take yourself out of a situation where other people undermine your abilities. One thing that will definitely help is working on your confidence.

Not sure if confidence can be learned? I asked this question on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page to see what readers had to say and then used some of their responses to shape the steps outlined below:

1. Tap into the confidence you were born with.

I feel it's something that is always there, something you’re born with that gets lost along the way, or stolen by others. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find it again. ~Amy Lee Tempest

You didn’t come out of the womb unsure of your cry or insecure about your large umbilical cord. You came out blissfully unaware of external judgment, concerned only with your own experience and needs. I'm not suggesting that you should be oblivious to other people. It’s just that it may help to remember confidence was your original nature before time started chiseling away at it.

Once you developed a sense of self-awareness, you started forming doubts and insecurities about how other people saw you. You learned to crave praise and avoid criticism, and maybe you started getting down on yourself if you got more of the latter than the former.

When you start feeling unsure of yourself remember: we were all born with confidence, and we can all get it back if we learn to silence the thoughts that threaten it.

2. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

As you learn who you are, you gain confidence in your strengths and also learn your weaknesses. ~Angela Birt

Learning who you are doesn’t happen overnight. For one thing, it can be hard to know which parts of you are you, and which parts are who you think you should be.

A good start is to identify your strengths and weaknesses and then weigh those against what you enjoy. (If you’re great in sales, but you actually can’t stand sales jobs, then it doesn’t really matter if you have confidence there. Unless it’s all about ego—but does that really make you happy?)

It might help to list five things you do well that you enjoy and five things you’d like to do well. Make an effort to utilize some of the first list and work on some of the second every day. As you use your strengths and improve where there’s room to grow, you’ll develop both confidence and fulfillment simultaneously.

3. Expect success.

Confidence comes from success…But confidence also combines another quality because you can be successful, yet lack confidence. It requires a mental attitude shift to an expectation of success. And this alone, can bring about more success, reinforcing the confidence. It spirals from there. ~Jason Hihn

It might seem strange to say expect success since you can’t predict the future, but don’t we do the alternative all the time? Have you ever gone into a stressful situation assuming the worst—that something would go wrong?

Conventional wisdom suggests it’s smart to expect the worst because you won’t be disappointed if you fail and you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you succeed. But research suggests this isn’t universally true. Pessimism can undermine your performance creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Find the successes in every day and you’ll notice over time that they increase.

4. Trust your capabilities.

Confidence comes not from knowing you know everything, but from knowing you can handle what comes up. ~Donn King

No one in the world knows everything. Everyone is good at some things and not so good at others. Don’t weigh your security against what you know or can do; weigh it against your willingness and capacity to learn.

If someone criticizes you, take it as an opportunity to improve. If someone does better than you, see it as an opportunity to learn from them. If you fall short at something, realize you can get closer next time. Don’t worry if you're not confident in what you can do now—be confident in your potential.

5. Embrace the unknown.

Confidence comes from a space of humility. It is spawned when we dare to see the world through an alternate lens. It grows when we have the courage to embrace the experience of the unknown and the unknowable. ~Hana Lee

People often think confidence means knowing you can create the outcome you desire. To some extent it does, but this idea isn’t universally true for anyone. No matter how talented, smart, or capable you are, you cannot predict or control everything that happens in your life.

Even confident people lose jobs, relationships, and sometimes, their health.

Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world. When you take that weight off your shoulders and realize that sometimes the twists and turns have nothing to do with what you did or should have done, it’s easier to feel confident in what you bring to the table.

6. Take risks.

Confidence is a funny thing. You go out and do the thing you're most terrified of, and the confidence comes afterwards. ~Christopher Kaminski

If you always do things as you’ve always done them of course you won’t feel confident.

When I first moved to San Francisco, I was highly insecure with relationships. I’d moved a lot and spent years hopping around the country partly to avoid getting close to anyone. Eventually I realized the only way out was through. I’d never be good at relationships if I didn’t jump in, get messy, and learn what to do and not to do.

I had to crawl, walk, fall, and repeat to get comfortable with vulnerability and conflict. I made tons of mistakes, and a lot of it hurt. But I live a peopled life now, and it’s worth all the discomfort it took to get here.

7. Learn to receive praise.

Confidence is earned through positive recognition and reinforcement. ~Don La Franchi

It’s amazing how easy it is to believe all the negative things people say and yet discredit the positive. Taking a compliment is an art. Sometimes, it’s instinctive to assume they’re just being nice or that maybe you aren’t really skilled—you just got lucky.

Occasionally, this may be true, but for the most part you earn the praise you receive. Don’t talk yourself out of believing it. Instead, recycle it into confidence. You did a fantastic job on your project at work; that means you can do it again. You had an amazing performance; that means you can trust you’re talented.

Other people want you to succeed. Now you just have to believe them when they show you you’re worthy.

8. Practice confidence.

It can be practiced—and with that practice you will get better. ~Jacqueline Wolven

Like anything else in life, your confidence will improve with practice. A great opportunity to do this is when you meet new people. Just like if you were the new kid in school, they have no idea who you are—meaning you have an opportunity to show them.

As you shake their hand, introduce yourself, and listen to them speak, watch your internal monologue. If you start doubting yourself in your head, replace your thoughts with more confident ones. Ask yourself what a confident person would do and then try to emulate that.

Watch your posture and your tone. Hunching and mumbling will make you feel and look less confident, so stand up and speak slowly and clearly.

People are more apt to see you how you want to be seen if they suspect you see yourself that way.

You may have confidence in some areas and not in others; that's how it works for most of us. Draw from those areas where you're self assured.

If you feel inadequate in professional situations, recall how it feels physically when you're confident in relationships. If you're insecure in love, access what you feel when you're comfortable around friends.

Above all, remember you are capable and worthy—just as much as anyone else, regardless of what you’ve achieved, regardless of what mistakes you’ve made. Knowing that intellectually is the first step to believing it in your heart. Believing it is the key to living it. And living it is the key to reaching your potential.

Photo by Satoru Kikuchi

NOTE: I apologize if I did not respond to your comment. When the numbers get a little high, it can be hard to keep up! If you'd like to get personal advice, you may want to join the Tiny Buddha forums to get insight and support from the whole community.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. Her latest bookTiny Buddha's Gratitude Journal, which includes 15 coloring pages, is now available for purchase. For daily wisdom, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram..

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  • Lori, what a great post and I will definitely take your advice.

    You know that term “… stones will break my bones but words will never harm me” … what utter rubbish!

    I remember when I was 16, my father told me that I was useless and there was nothing more he could do with me but send me to a finishing school and hopefully I'll find some man who'll take care of me. Wonderful!

    For many years I used to laugh this off, but 30+ years later I can still hear those stinging words ringing in my ears – it takes a lot of courage to remember that I am not useless and I am actually very good at a lot of things that I do,

    So words do more harm than I think a lot of people are aware of and it takes many years to build the confidence to be who you are meant to be and not what other people want you to be.

    Again, many thanks for a wonderful article.


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  • This is a very helpful list. I really tuned into number 1, the way our doubts are not innate but evolve and also number 7, as it sometimes seems that we reject praise on a very subtle level. I also liked the Dalai Lama quote, as confidence is the basis for effecting change in the world around us. Thanks very much.

  • Absolutely! When you have confidence, you have the power to make the world a better place. Thanks for reading. =)

  • Hi Alex,

    I absolutely know what you mean about words having a lot of power. I have a similar story–when I was younger, an adult around me told me “If I was your age, I wouldn't be your friend.” That was just one of a barrage of negative things I heard, but that one has always stuck with me.

    For years I assumed most people felt that way–that I was someone they couldn't like or respect–and that made it near impossible to feel comfortable in relationships.

    It is comforting to know, though, that we can challenge negative beliefs, no matter how deeply they are ingrained. The process has been a lot slower than I'd have liked, but the process is happening, nonetheless.

    Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts!


  • Thanks for this post. I'm in the process of applying for masters in art education program. It's been 18 years since I got my bachelor's degree in art, so I have apprehension about going back to school again . And, the job market for isn't great for my chosen vocation, which also fills me with doubt at times. I'm going to bookmark this page to read when I start to hear the negative voices in my head.

  • Part of what turned me from a shy girl to a confident person is being open with others and feeling a sense of belonging… realizing that in a room full of people, I'm no different than the others. All of us are going through nervousness and the hope of being accepted. I think this has helped me the most; feeling guided and loved. When we remind ourselves of how many times we've been cared for and loved by the world around us, it's a bit easier to feel special, to smile at a stranger, and in turn observe that several strangers are now smiling and happy to see us.

  • Hi Lori, thanks for this post. I've been feeling a little in a funk lately, and this post has definitely helped!

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  • I'm so happy it helped!

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  • Eric

    Thanks, Lori. This blog has been very helpful!

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  • Rachel

    I only found Tiny Buddha just yesterday, however, each and every post has brought something new; something that can help me in life when it gets tough, and something to bring out the better person. Tiny Buddha has yet again, inspired me. Everything you do, it all just makes me that one more interested in everything you can achieve.

    I want to achieve my dream, because after all a dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away. And to me, that sounds amazing.

    Thankyou. x

  • Hi Rachel,

    I know that feeling of searching for something to fill the void. I’ve attached all my hope to dreams for tomorrow, but I realized that no goal can make all the hurt go away. I can’t say for certain that we’re similar, but one thing I realized is that my only opportunity to melt the hurt was/is today–not someday down the road.

    I wrote a little something about this:

    I hope this helps!


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  • Relainalex

    it remind me that i can do things if i want it done

  • Relainalex

    it remind me that i can do things if i want it done

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  • AmazingButterfly

    Thanks so much Lori!! Last year i told a boy i liked him and he completely rejected me.. I thought i wasnt pretty enough or anything so i closed myself off to everyone, even people i didnt know yet… Thanks so much!!!

  • Hi there,

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad you’ve decided to change your perspective! I’ve been rejected by my share of boys in my time, and I know that feeling of insecurity. I try to remember that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can hurt me without my consent.” Somehow this always makes me feel stronger!


  • Roypooja1988

    love to read this…………

  • Troy

    Beautiful words. And you are a beautiful woman too.

  • Thank you–I appreciate that! =)

  • Samel

    hello, i really really appreciate your effort of making such guidelines for the benefits of those have very low self-confidence like ME. thank you so much..

  • You are most welcome. I’m so glad you found this helpful!

  • Rogeref

    well actually you do come out unsure of your cry or at least some babys do, some dont cry some cry a lot some hardly cry some just make a weird noise.
    And well for me I was being choked by my umbillical cord and that ment my cry was not there. Everything in life is shaped befor u exit the womb.

  • Hi there! I kind of meant that babies aren’t judging how their cry sounds, or how their umbilical cord looks. It’s not a cerebral self-judging experience. But I know what you mean–my sister had the same experience when she was born.

  • Shumaila

    thank you for this lovely article that help me a lot
    that is really very motivated and learn to believes readers that they have to trust and should give a importances to themselves that they are capable and they have a worth
    thank you

  • Poison_girl41

    thanks for posting it , i love this

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  • Zulazool

    Congrats, That was great! I want everyone to read it. You are very talented and insightful.

  • Thank you–I’m so glad you found this post helpful!

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  • Torres Rebecca71

    this really motivates me to go on to the world and put myself all out there. to reach my potentical

  • That’s awesome! I’m so glad. =)

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  • Kritika Chawla

    i wanna be the centre of attraction but i don’t have the confidence!!!

  • In what way do you want to be the center of attraction?

  • Here’s a comment I wrote on Linkedin which I thought I’d share with you…Confidence is a result. It is built through time like any learning process. It requires action to get the ball rolling…the rest in my experience tends to fall in to place if you’re committed to it. We all start out shaky…that’s just life. For a longtime I used to believe I had to be perfect – that stops confidence dead! Nikes ‘just do it’ phrase has some real merit and I also appreciate it doesn’t always feel easy. Sometimes, if it’s really important you just have to do it and ignore those thoughts that say you can’t or you’re not good enough, because it’s your thinking that creates the fear. Nothing else…fear is a self created illusion.A poor use of the magic you have available in your imagination. – feel free to connect with me

  • Thank you for adding this, Jamie. Very well put!

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  • Generic Viagra

    Thank you so much Lori! Last year I told a boy that I loved him and he totally rejected .. I’m not pretty enough or something, so I closed to everyone, even people I do not know yet … Thank you!

    Generic Viagra

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  • Chakib-tmax

    Thank you so much . 
    I don’t trust my self . I failed at every thing I try .I am sad because of that . I am unable to make my family happy and do what they want . I don’t deserve there love.
    I wish I could do something beneficial in this life !

  • Hi Chakib,

    Your comment made me so sad for you, because I know how difficult it is to feel what you’re feeling. I have felt these same things before. I thought I failed at everything, and I’ve also felt certain I don’t deserve love. I don’t know you, but please know that those things are not true. They can’t possibly be true. You’ve probably succeeded at far more than you realize–you’re just too hard on yourself to recognize it.

    And why shouldn’t you deserve love? If you have time, you may want to read this other post I wrote:

    The short version is that you are so much more than you successes and mistakes. You are so much more than you likely give yourself credit for.

    There’s a little exercise I use when I start getting down on myself. I visualize myself as a 5-year old sitting next to me. And then I ask myself if I really want to say those things to her–if I’d really berate that beautiful, innocent little girl who just wants to know and share love. Then I remember, that girl is me. And if I wouldn’t purposely hurt her, I need to be a lot nicer to myself.

    I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts!

    Love Lori

  • Chakib-tmax

    Hi Lori

    Thank you for your support me  . It made me feel better. I really appreciate it .

  • You are most welcome. =)

  • Dumisanindiwa

    I really enjoyed reading this book in motived me in a way that i believe in myself

  • That’s great to read! I know how painful it can feel to be paralyzed by low confidence, so I’m thrilled to know my post was helpful to you. =)

  • Jbmailer

    I liked it thankyou

  • You are most welcome. =)

  • Shubham

    hi lori
    your post was really motivating ang good.
    But, u know i am really confused about myself.
    I don’t know what to take up as my profession.
    I communicate quite little with people, expecting to be humiliated.
    But some of these people consider me to be very good.
    i have only a few handful friends, as i feel shy speaking to new people.
    My mother has faith in me, but i feel hopeless.
    im 19 years old and people my age have already achieved several milestones.
    It is quite a pity that i have larger than life dreams , but not the adequate zeal to go after my dreams.
    thank u

  • Alexparr

    Wow! You are only 19 years old with your whole life ahead of you! I was also a late developer, so don’t let that hold you down.  Have wonderful dreams and shoot for the stars!  I remember something my mother told me when I was young, only communicate with people who make you feel great & ump the rest, as they will only bring you down! Life is too short, so have fun and enjoy it! We’ll help you! Wishing you happiness, courage and most of all confidence to go after all those dreams of yours! Alex

  • I’m with Alex on this one! I didn’t start my writing career until my mid-20s, and it was partially because I lacked confidence. Sometimes it just takes time for confidence to catch up to dreams. The fact that you have big dreams tells me you have the zeal in there somewhere…you’re just figuring out how to access it. Have faith in yourself. I think you will be surprised by how much you will do, all in good time!

  • Mukesh

    i also feel the same as you

  • Sonia Swami

    tooooooooooooooooooooo gud

  • Sonia Swami

    toooooooooooooooooooooo gud………… to be more gudddddddddddddddd better nd bestttttttttttttttt

  • LifeSucks LifeSucks

    not at all did this help me im still going to be the wired quiet kid at school >=( please can you make one for starting a new school because i wont want to be how i was at primary school 

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    Hi lori
    Your article is really full of motivation. lori i am also going from the face of lack in confidence. actually i want to change my job and have to but I am scared of doing that. i am not confident enough that I can handle another job lots of ifs and buts are going in my mind weather I can have good adjustment with my new boss. weather i can handle their work properly etc etc. i don’t know what to do. I am 37 years old and working from 12 years at my present job. but now the circumstances are such that i have to change it. please help me in this matter. thanking u in advance.

  • Hi Surjeet,

    I’m glad you found this post motivational! How can I help?

    Much love,


    please guide how can i build enough confidence in myself   to change my present job without the fear of failure or rejection!  

  • Hi Surjeet,

    I think we will always have fear of failure and rejection. These are natural human emotions, and there’s no way to completely get rid of them. The real goal is learning to act in spite of them. And it’s something we get better at with practice.

    If I were you, I would make a list of the pros and cons of staying and leaving–and also make a realistic assessment of the challenges I would face by quitting. Then if I knew it was in my best interest, I would remind myself of all the things I’ve done well in the past and then take the leap.

    I think the most important thing is to realize is it will be hard, but consider this is an opportunity to prove to yourself just what you can do. When you see that, your confidence will naturally build as a result.

    I hope this helps!

  • Sheela_lata09

    i like this 8 point

  • Sks Sharma8

    thanks u to share with us

  • Lucedeadman

    Yes 19 is so young and you have so much time. I lost a lot of confidence in my early 20’s when I was agoraphobic, I’m 27 now and feel I’m only just starting my life from scratch. I don’t mind though, I’m more ambitious, self aware and goal oriented than I ever was and I’m sure I will excell now. Hold on to those dreams Shubham, you’re lucky to have them in the first place 🙂 My favourite quote – ‘the best thing you can learn is how to face a fear’

  • Sehrawatkapil89

    Kritika ji, We all are the child of GOD. And god has given the talent in everyone, so we all are talented, And do Japa or meditation everyday in the morning, and follow CELIBACY(Brahmacharya).
    Kapil Brahmachari

  • Sehrawatkapil89

    Respected Lori, you are doing a great job…keep it up..

  • Can I add to you..?

  • bubbles

    Thank you for this. It’s very motivating. I’m 19 years old and for all those years I’m struggling to gain confidence for myself. Honestly, now I’m depressed because I don’t know what to do. Fear always stands my way. When I do something, I felt like it’s always a failure and it’s making me feel like a failure too. 🙁 Help!

  • Hi Bubbles,

    I didn’t have much confidence at 19, either, so I understand what you’re going through! I think you’re very insightful to realize feeling like a failure can actually influence what you do. Our thoughts really do create our world.

    A reader shared a post last week that may be helpful to you:

    She wrote about a lot of the same ideas (feeling like a failure, struggling to gain confidence…)

    I hope this helps!

  • Great article, Lori. I especially agree with 2, 5, 6 and 8. I would add that the best way to practice your confidence is to constantly expand your comfort zone. I think that it’s impossible to achieve your ideal lifestyle (“the life of your dreams”) if you don’t step outside your comfort zone on a daily basis. The more you experience, the more confident you’ll feel. You’ll get used to things that once were uncomfortable for you and that will make you grow and improve your self-esteem.

    Shubham – you should note down all your strong points and remind yourself of them daily and whenever you feel insecure/expecting to be humiliated. Know your value – it’ll help you improve your self-esteem. I hope that you’re working on your larger than life dreams!

  • Great advice, Martin! Every time I stretch myself, I feel a little more confident in my potential. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. =)

  • S P

    Hi Lori,

    I found this article very interesting however there’s one thing that’s on my mind – it’s well and good to come up with ways on how to be more confident, however something I’ve been thinking for a while is – why should we be more confident? I have been confident in various situations in my life and I’ve managed to cope regardless what happens. Lately I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with everything and I’m not sure how to cope.. logically I know what I have to do to feel more confident, but why should we as human beings be more confident? What belief motivates you personally to act on your advice listed here? I’m sure I would find the answer interesting as something that’s meaningful for you may be seen differently by myself.



  • Hi SP,

    The main thing that’s motivated me to become more confident is my desire to cause myself less pain. At a point when I had no confidence, I constantly undermined myself in my head. I wasn’t unhappy just because I was limiting the chances I took; I was unhappy because I frequently told myself I wasn’t good enough. My lack of confidence turned me into my own punching bag. And I still have to work at this. I can be really hard on myself-if I don’t make a conscious effort to catch those thoughts.

    I act on this advice because I want to feel good about who I’m being and what I’m doing from day to day–and I do that when I act from a place of belief in myself and my potential.

    My question for you: what led you to question why we should be more confident?


  • Amy

    hi. 🙂 i would just like to say i found this really helpful and inspiring. i’m 16 years old and i want to work at a radio station (maybe as a radio host) but right now my confidence is holding me back in school. i won’t speak up in lessons and my teachers say i don’t contribute enough. but everytime i do speak, i feel as though people are constantly judging me and the things i say, which would be a huge problem if i want to go towards the radio career path. anyway, thanks again. 🙂

  • You’re welcome Amy. I know that feeling well. I felt like that in school, too, and sometimes those fears pop up when I speak in front of a crowd. It can feel terrifying to be in the spotlight like that! How wonderful that you’re challenging yourself so you can follow your dream. I hope to hear you on the radio some day =)

  • ridzie

    lori i want to ask that how to be confident in front of one who likes u but that person doesen’t,,,,,,,,this is the case with me.Iam well confident when that person is not in front of me but as soon as he comes i feel that i cannot speak my words to anyone and this is affecting my personality much ..and i dont have any fellings for him but whenever he looks at me i feel very terrified by him

  • Hi there,

    Are you saying that he like you but you don’t like him–and so his attention makes you feel uncomfortable? Or is it that you like him and he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings? I wasn’t sure from your wording…


  • Hi Lori,

    I recently finished an internship — the Editor said I took things too seriously, and that I needed to be more confident in what I do, and also in terms of approaching and being more outgoing with fellow co-workers. It takes me awhile to get used to hanging around with new people, and I guess I’m not really a social or open person in real life (whereas I can be very comfortable and open on social-networking sites). Is there a way to be confident, less anti-social and be more comfortable when meeting and working with new people? 

  • Hi there,

    I know exactly what you mean, as it feels a lot more vulnerable to be open in real life than it does on the web. There are actually a couple of other posts you may want to check out:

    The first one dealt with this very topic–approaching people and being more outgoing.

    I hope this helps!

  • Thanks for great tips.

  • Chinnu

    hi lori can u help me

  • How can I help?

  • Divya

    hiii, i will shy when i meet to new people and keep quiet pls tell what to do i cant express my feeling infront of anyone unknown who is trying to know me  
    my teacher give me to speak in front of whole school a story and i get too nervous i said my frnd to say it i lost this opportunity what should i do of this shyness how to get rid of this ..???

  • Sapphire Opa

    Hi Lori,

    I really enjoyed this piece. It was uplifting and inspirational. I was wondering if you had any specific advice for aspiring writers. All my life I have felt my mind holds a beauty worth pouring into words, yet I hold myself back on the likelihood that I am probably the only person who agrees with me. I can’t get past 10 pages of anything…. At that point, I reread what I havewritten and find it nothing but crap. Do you have any advice?

    Thank you

  • Hi there~ I just responded to your email. I hope it helps!

  • Hi Sapphire,

    My suggestion would be to start a blog, so that you can learn through experience. This way, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to write and get feedback. As you see how your words affect other people, it will be easier to drop the self-judgment that tells you other people won’t agree with you! It’s highly likely your writing isn’t crap–you just need to learn through practice how to hone your craft. That’s how I learned (and continue to learn).

    I hope this helps!

  • Heya Lori,
    I am 18 years old. I recently started university in 2011 and I have to say I did not have the best start. I didnt really bond with my flat mates and therfore, I am excluded from their activities most of the time. It brings me down quite a lot. This happened mainly because I dont have the confidence to approach them most of the time and I am kinda scared of them. I am always thinking that they dont like me….though they are nice to me all the time, i think that they talk about me behind my back! crazy i know! And I have no confidence in the degree I am doing eventhough I love science (i do biochemistry). I also want to take up street dancing and break dancing but am afraid that i will be rubbish at it abd others will reicule me…….. i am really confused and lost. But reading this post kinda helped me today but i think i ll be reading it few more times this year. It is very motivating so,

    Thank you

  • YSD

    Hi lori,
    I love this page! Thanks for putting it up! Its motivated me for next term of uni starting from next week…….You see i just recently started uni in 2011. And lets say….i did not have the best start…i didnt really bond with my flat mates..though they have bonded with eachother very well. Therfore, I am excluded from their group all the time and so I dont get asked to have dinner with them at all and miss dinner quite often since I dont want to eat alone. I thought about talking to them but I feel scared of them…though they are nice to me i fear that they talk about me behind my back. Also I wanted to take up street dancing but didnt do it cuz I though i will be rubbish at it and that people will redicule me for it. And I have no confidence in the degree I am doing (biochem) eventhough i enjoy science I am not enjoying the course at all. I am very confused and lost…So, I will be reading this page quite a few times this year. Thank you again, for putting it up.

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped you! I believe I emailed you earlier today. I hope the other posts helped as well. =)

  • Angel_sandy

    Yep.Yep you did! Thank you very much! Itwas very helpful. 🙂

  • College Student


    I recommend that you look at this website I think part of your insecurity is because your dissatisfied with your major. Great! You like science, but do you really see yourself in the next plus years? If it’s a subject that doesn’t come naturally to you and not as comfortable with it, then I really think you should consider switching majors. Don’t live the life what others tell you, because really it’s you that is living your life and whatever makes you most fulfilled. But also don’t really do it for money reasons, because the work that your most skilled at and do well, the money will follow.

    I’m a college student myself, and I used to major in bio. I did found science amazing, but I wasn’t really content and I wasn’t happy, most of the time I felt insecure about myself whether I understood the material or not. It took me a while to admit that I’m not that great in science and switch major, but it definitely made me feel a whole lot happier now that I switched majors to business. Using the website above, also helped me choose the major that I’m majoring in now. Best to ya!

  • Eric

    I am working on my first novel. I used to feel how you do. The best advice that I have heard is to right for yourself and have a strong idea about what you want to write about. All writers have their own style, so write whatever you feel is your best work. What I mean about “having a strong idea on what you are writing” is plan out what you are going to write and stick to it. I would describe much of my older writing as “crap” because it had no focus and would constantly go in millions of different directions. It gets easier as you go, and once you have a solid skeleton story you can adjust it as you wish when you do your future drafts.

    Good Luck!

  • Kristian Emmanuel

    Hi Lori 

    Reading your article made me feel a bit better about myself. It’s been really hard these past year or so. There were times where I felt as if a hole had been driven directly through my heart, the world was collapsing around me, and the icing on the cake was that I had no one to turn to. At the start of the year, I decided enough is enough, took to making change, and began by shunning away my bad habits – too much drinking, junk food, etc. Since removing these inconveniences, I feel elevated and that desire to achieve has been regained. The first part has been done. But now I’m trying to take that next step towards taking more risks. I hear physical activity is helpful towards clearing the mind and making you feel good. So I’m gonna start that again. 

  • I’m so glad this made you feel better Kristian! It sounds like you’ve made some amazing progress this year. That’s wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself here. =)

  • Pingback: The Secret to Instant Self-Confidence | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In()

  • LostinLA

    Hi lori,

    I use to have all the confiedence in the world and very sure of myself. After several bad experiences of losing a sibling, being robbed, fatal car accident, and not to mention having to quit what i thought was a career all happening in a very very short period of time, i’ve lost alot of confidence and faith in within myself. I’ve tried several different ways to ignite my confidence again but nothing seems to work. Any advice?

  • Hi there LostInLA,

    I can understand how these events may have shattered your confidence. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, and especially all at once. My advice is to build your confidence back up one tiny brave act a time. I’m not sure what that would look like for you, because there’s a lot I don’t know about you. But maybe it’s making one or two calls for work, or getting out of your comfort zone in a social situation. If you take it one day at a time, and start seeing some rewards from these tiny acts, you will gain your confidence back over time.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,

  • Sweetienena

    Simply amazing! I`m still taking the hit from all those bullets of truth.

  • Wonderful reminder of how easy it is to self sabotage . I love the part about how we were all  born with confidence , and that it comes from a place of humility . :> shanti

  • I’m glad you enjoyed it Marty!

  • Shahma

    hi after going through all these , i feel a bit confident……..

  • That’s great! I’m glad the post helped. =)

  • zarish

    i was always very confident in my old school.i always participated in every activity,i was very outgoing,outspoken and was friendly with everyone.i used to participate in speech competitions and was very very outgoing.but eversince i came in a new city in a new school which is much more bigger than the previous one,i feel a little scared at times.i am a very good student that is why i always raise up my hand in class b4 anyone and speak up everything moreover i had a great fight with 4 girls in my class.i was new yet i fought and complained to the teacher .everyone thought that i am bold and not atall shy.BUT the problem is that i can be confident in front of 22 pupils in a class.but find it vert defficult to stand in front of the whole school and do something,i don’t go to the stage when i want to .i feel scared and self concious and can’t show myself that i am a good debater and a good student. i wish to cry when i remember how i used to be in my previous school and how scared i feel in this school.i also have a little problem in meeting guests.
    i have decided to be more practical and confident from next year.

  • zarish

    BTW i am in 8th grade and i am 13

  • I imagine it’s tough being in a new city in a new school. It might just take some time to start feeling a little more comfortable there. That’s great you’ve committed to being more confident. Sounds like a great start!

  • haroon

    these great words made my a different person. i feel happy and confident and i have learned how to face the world. now i am ready to execute in the outer world. please read it again and again and you will see a change in yourself. thanks a lot , you are great. haroon

  • That’s wonderful Haroon! I’m so glad my post helped you! =)

  • sakura

    thanks for your advice. It means a lot to my life…

  • You’re most welcome. =)

  • mimi

    I liked a guy and we’re classmates. I can’t concentrate when he’s around and when he sits next to me, I get more nervous and that i’m always aware of every little things I do. We had presentations (individually) when it’s my turn, I get nervous and my heart beat race! 🙁 I didn’t do well because he was there, I can’t fully concentrate. I was terrified. My presentations went bad, I didn’t do well. I cried whenever I think of it. Everyday i’m struggling to get through my fear. When he’s around, I get nervous and I hate it. Whenever i’m being asked on something in class, I couldn’t answer anything because i’m always aware of his presence. Please help me. I don’t want to stuck this way for such a long time.. please 🙁

  • Justinwillard9

    Hi everyone!! Im looking for some extra support. im currently in a long distance relationship and we have been together for 2 years. Its hit a ruff patch lately due my insecurity. I was hurt pretty bad in a past relationship so Im having a lot of trouble trusting my partner. even though my partner has done nothing wrong if my she goes out with friends im giving 20 questions trying to find out who what where they were.  i feel like im not good enough for her and i constanly compare myself to other men.I get anxiety every time she goes out. My mind races wondering what she is doing. this is a huge road block i need help with if anyone can lend there opinion thanks, great website recently found it and now its my home page!!! Justin

  • Hi Justin,

    It’s a pleasure to e-meet you. I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed Tiny Buddha so far! I can understand your feelings on this, as I’ve carried insecurities from past relationships into new ones, as well. Have you told your partner exactly how you feel? Perhaps if she understands your insecurities better (and what caused them) you will feel more secure in the relationship because you’ll know she understands what you’re dealing with. 

    It’s really helped me to let my boyfriend in on my different insecurities. I’ve been working on them for years, but I still have some. And though I know I need to validate myself, I find it easier to do that when I know I have his understanding and support.

    I hope this helps a little!



    It really help me in school


  • Saffron

    I dont have confidence either…I dont feel good about myself…What should I do?? 🙁

  • jacob

    Hi I’m 30 years old. By profession I’m a Designer, I’m very sensitive about my look I always keep myself in sharp look whenever I go to outside home or office as well. Now I m feeling something lost in my look that makes me in-confident, 100 times I see in the mirror sometimes it gives good feel and sometime I drop my all meetings and urgent talks due to by not giving a good feeling. Pls suggest me how can I get empower confidence so that I can save my job and other relationship.

  • I know how paralyzing it can be to feel insecure. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Tell me: What is it about your appearance that makes you feel unconfident? Have you always felt this way, or is this something new?

  • jacob

    Hi Lori
    its not paralyze. Problem is this I was using trendy hair style that was quite up to the trend now trend has been changed people are adapting other hair style that I feel lack of it and I dont have another style where I can reflect my style I tried it a lot but not able to convince me whether it is right or wrong. the hair style that I used earlier was quite pleasant whenever I use old style people stare me that compel me to think that what other would be analyzing. like this way I feel inconfident

  • Ah I see. One thing I have learned is that confidence comes from within. I’ve seen people with styles I would never follow who I admire because they’re unabashedly themselves. So the real question is: Do you feel good about yourself in those old hairstyle? 

  • jacob

     I feel but I fear with people that when they start laugh at me

  • jacob

     I think you are in love or want to let down that guy with your set of skills

  • jacob

     only two type people have over confidence

    One who is very handsome/beautiful nice build up
    Second who has out of the box talent

  • Fatimakhamosh

    hey…your post is really inspirational..i’ll try my best to follow these steps..i want to built my self confident 

  • I’m glad you found this helpful!

  • Tee-y2012

    Very inspiring piece. In my own case I have never had confidence in myself, I am above 30 and still lack confidence in myself. I can’t face people to talk and can’t relate with people. Its so bad to the extent that my hubby doesn’t take me with him for any social gathering even if we are both invited. He carries himself so well and doesn’t want me to embarass him. I really need help.

  • Hi Lori, thankyou so much! I’m 13 years old, and have always dreamed of being a singer.. I have just started my gcse courses and picked performing arts, I’m very very very scared – but it’s my dream. So I’m gonna give it my all, and use your tips to help me be more confident. I hope it goes well for me, and everyone else xxxxx

  • That’s wonderful Victoria! I’m sure you’ll have a blast in your course. =)

  • Dylan Grieve

    Lori, this is brilliantly written, and a powerful and insightful message. This is very good advice, thank you.

  • Thanks so much Dylan, and you’re most welcome!

  • Going for a job interview and this helped a lot.

  • Thanks so much. I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • mrcead

    This is pretty good. Thanks for that. 3 elements here instantly rang a bell within my own behaviors. #’s 4,5&6. I constantly run in the opposite direction of these and I can remember the disappointment I saw in people’s eyes as I balked every single time. Never again. Fake it till ya make it right? Good stuff.

  • Aric

    Thank you this was very helpful. Tomorrow I’m gonna go to school and talk to every single person there. Better they learn who I am through talking to me than assuming who I am while I remain introverted, right?

  • You’re most welcome Aric! That’s wonderful, you’re going to open up to new people. =)

  • Downunder

    Fantastic article 🙂 very realistic and motivational with an easy language to digest.. heaps thanks Lori.

  • You’re most welcome!

  • saga

    🙂 thanks lori… something gud i felt n my heart, while reading it…..

  • Tavleen Sahi

    Your Post is very inspiring…Thank You so much but i am not able to figure out my strengths ,i am the weakest person at heart.I am presently pursuing BDS.After joining college I have found out that I am the least confident person. I dont enjoy anything,i am trying to develop interest in whatever I do even the small chores at home.Even though I do the best in every exam, I don’t know anything.Somewhere within I have started hating myself and i am just not able to get along well with the people around me, I bore them if I talk to them and the next time I don’t get a very good response.Help me out.How do I start becoming interesting?

  • Your post made me so sad because you wrote that you you’re not interesting! It seems more like you just don’t know what you’re interested in. That can take time. And I’m sure you have strengths; you just don’t know what they are. What brings you joy? What do people generally turn to you for? You may want to do a search for “strengths finder” online. There are all kinds of tools that can help you identify what you’re good at.

    Beyond that, I’m wondering what else has led you to hate yourself. I’ve been down that path; I know what it’s like to feel lost in self-loathing. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through these feelings? That was very helpful for me, as there was a lot below the surface I needed to work through.

    You are in my thoughts!

  • Tavleen Sahi

    People come to me for help in studies but I am not able to help them I give them the wrong advice then right then wrong and then i get confused myself.

  • Sexy Confident woman says:

    I agree, we must stay away from people who undermine our confidence they are not much fun to be around because they are not in the same place. I was blessed with self-confidence throughout my youth but lacked confidence in my opportunities I now know this because of self-awareness. Self awareness is the key to improvement and I been continually improving this limitation for 2 years and 9 months now. The lesson I learnt is that confident people still lose things like health, family, jobs, education, friends. In fact when I became more self -actualised I got more criticism and lost relationships that were holding me back subconsciously.

  • Jim

    This was lovely.

  • Thanks Jim. =)

  • Jeriah

    Omg thank you so much. I just transferred to my new school a couple days ago and I met so many new people. They really did accept me. It took me a while to build of the confidence but I’m glad I ran into this article. Thanks a million.

  • You’re most welcome. I hope you’re enjoying your new school!

  • Bam

    I think a big part of gain confidence and becoming outspoken is to give praise and compliments to others as well.

  • lost self esteem&confidence

    Hey Lori I just read this today. I am 19 and I have no self esteem and no confidence. I like to write poetry and sing but I know before any of my dreams can come true I need to gain self esteem and confidence. I have dated guys who have insulted me and abused me emotionally,verbally,and even mentally. They kept telling me they could get any girl they wanted and they kept telling me I was ugly and that if I left them nobody else would want me. I have a guy friend who keeps trying to help me raise my self esteem and become confident but it isn’t doing anything. However it is slowly helping me realize that not all guys are the same and that all my exs have done is lie to me about the if i left them nobody ever wanting me again. I was wondering if you had any advice that might be able to help me with my confidence and my self esteem? Loved this articule by the way.

  • Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about the experiences you’ve had with guys. I can understand why that would undermine your confidence.

    It might help to write down all the negative things you’ve come to believe about yourself as a result of your former relationships. Then you can counter each one with proof to the contrary. So, if an ex told you that you were ugly, you can counter that with, “I have a gift for poetry and singing, and friends enjoy being around me. Those are just a few signs of my beauty.” If you learn to identify negative thoughts as they arise, and learn to consistently dispute them, you will eventually change your beliefs about yourself.

    I hope this helps!


  • Donna

    Hi Lori!

    Good info to go by!!! I have issues about feeling confident with many things. I am working on how I look and feel better about that part. Now I am trying to believe in myself in my skills with my new adventure of modeling/acting. I will be 40 this year and have been signed on with an agency for a year now. I have NEVER done anything like this in my life and really doing well at pushing myself out of my comfort zone! I thought I was to old and realized NO they need someone for every age now…I just need to believe in myself and see me doing this. I am going to work on it. Thanks so much for info!!!

  • Hi Donna,

    Congrats on being signed with an agency! How exciting, that you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and going after your dream! Regarding the post, you’re most welcome. =)


  • Karthik

    Hi there……Whatever I do I am doomed and fail miserably…..Even though a post graduate am unable to do well in my research………Is it because I have set high standards to myself or my true capability is gettin reflected now???

  • Cederic


  • Umair Ahmed

    HI lori
    I am a 17 year old teenager and due to my big size and assumingly my looks people assume that I am an agressive and fighting type of a guy but in reality im the complete oposite . Im calm understanding straightforward and kind but once people realize that about me they take advantage of me in any way possible and I can never avoid that or stop that . Because of this I lose a lot of confidence I become shy and quiet and can never stop the “down” feeling I have inside of me. Sometimes when I open up to people and be confident they clearly just ignore me straight up. They give me no attention and I end up as a third wheel in a 2 wheel vehicle. I can never understand how to make a true friend or be myself in front of others . Sometimes I dont even know what to do please help! And I loved your 8 tips btw!

  • Roxas

    Hi, I have extremely low self confidence and self esteem due to my strict upbringing. I tend to always do my best but whenever I fail I am crushed. I am extremely judgmental and hard on myself as a result of my parents. To make matters worst I am kind of different so I don’t really have friends and spent the majority of my life alone. With that said when ever I fail or feel like I’m being scolded the first thing I do is cry the second I am alone. However I just moved in with my boyfriend and the situation is the same. I constantly seek his praise or approval and the second I feel like I failed, let him down, or get criticized by him I instantly break down. And it bothers him because he doesn’t understand that I can’t help it, he just thinks I’m a big cry baby. Idk what to do, or at least help him understand. Please help.

  • Roxas

    I guess I should mention that I tend to hate myself most times and looking in the mirror tends to make me depressed because I try to go through the days imaging that I was different. Because I’ve gone my whole life without a steady friend I often feel alone or empty and like an outcast like I’m some kind of freak. It seems like no one understands how I feel or what it’s like because it seems like everyone around me has someone except me. I’m even starting to cry while I write this. I sometimes think it would be better if I just didn’t exist because it hurts so much but I can’t bring myself to end it so I just go day by day with the pain of being alone. :'(. Why am I like this. I want to be a stronger person but I feel so broken.

  • Hi Umair,

    How do people take advantage of you? I know it can feel disheartening when you open up to someone and they seem to reject you, but it’s one of those things that’s inevitable for all of us. Sometimes we open up to someone and they’re just not able or willing to reciprocate it. Still, this is the only way to find the people who are willing, able, and interested. Do you have friends who you feel comfortable being yourself around? It may help to think of them when you’re talking to someone new–both to remind yourself that there ARE people who like you just as you are, and to remind yourself how you think and feel when you feel confident.

    I hope this helps!


  • Why do you think you’re doomed to fail miserably?

  • InfernusVortex

    I agree with everything you have said, but it’s a whole lot easier to say (and read) than to do, but I will keep on practicing your advice and hopefully I will definately be more confident! Thank you!

  • I hear you–it’s always so much easier to read/write than it is to apply. I hope this helps a little!

  • LexyLuvs1D






  • justin bieber



    Sorry about that comment… I meant SNAPE wants you on your knees

  • rahul

    hey lori..
    i have been experiencing a lot of problems lately due to which i have lost my confidence..initially i was very much confident and loved to take risks but now i feel as if i m sinking..i dont have much frns as i fear to communicate with people and i think that they will disrespect me…i want a solution to this problem..
    plz help…

  • Belieber

    I want to be popular. I want to feel that I am beautiful I want that others will think of me like a happy, pretty Girl. But how am I supposed to do that, to feel beautiful and be proud of myself? I’ve tried once to tell a Guy that I liked him but I guess that I am so unpopular and ugly that He Never cared. He Never Said something about that. And yeah ever since that I am afraid to tell the Guy that I like him. And I guess that there’s no one out there who likes Me like that.

  • Hi Rahul ~ I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Why do you believe that will people will disrespect you?

  • Hi Belieber,

    I think there are two parts to this–the first part, you want to believe that you are beautiful, and the second, you want others to see you a certain way. I can tell you from experience it’s a lot easier to focus on the first one, because you can’t control what others think and see; you can only control what you tell yourself about yourself. The good news is that when you’re more confident, other people will start to see you differently.

    You may want to read some of these posts to help change how you see yourself:

    I hope these help a little!


  • Luis

    Thank you very much! such a great article! definitely will help me a lot! i am an introvert teen boy and i want to change, i love this. thanks Lori!

  • You’re most welcome Luis!

  • Minu

    I will be an engineer in a couple of months. I have no idea what I am going to do next. I am losing out in interviews because of my lack in confidence. I get clingy at times with people because I think I won’t get better people. I have so many things to achieve. So dreams and the potential still not enough confidence!!

  • Hi Lori,

    Awesome article that covers the inner aspect of “confidence” really well. But what most people tend to neglect is that confidence is also dependant on how you live your life day to day (would appreciate your input on this and any contradicting point of view). I wrote an article on squidoo desribing my views on this issue

    I would really appreciate if you could take a look at it

  • J27

    So how does one build up confidence after being in multiple abusive relationships? Mentally and physically.

  • bijju

    it was grt….

  • Saran

    Wonderful…..tiny buddha!!!! Realy its mind entroaching

  • You’re most welcome! I’m glad you found this helpful.

  • I think it’s different for everyone. For me, it required a lot of therapy, time, and patience with myself. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through your feelings?

  • subha


  • nethra

    i expect more

  • Gerry

    Hi lori/ and all you guys,
    This subject has been playing on my mind a lot the last couple of years, especially the last section on practising confidence.
    In the last couple of years my job spec has changed quite a lot and I find myself having to speak in meetings a lot more.
    A classic situation were I literally seem to crumble,
    (and i mean spectacularly crumble, I can feel the situation grow around me like in a movie where it feels like the whole world turns round to look at me and I may mumble something.)
    Is that situation when not everyone knows each other and I’m asked to introduce myself and talk a litte bit about usually myself?
    Now the bizarre thing is I take classes (I teach martial arts) and in those situations I feel fine.
    I believe it is tied into judgement, ie in the classes I think probably i’m the most knowledgable. Whereas in the meetings I may feel vulnerable?

  • HVm

    hi……….i m 16 years old and mad for a girl bt i cannot tell her i like her as she is gorgeous and i fear that that she might reject me……………i am very shy and cnt talk to people…… face is full of acne and i dont lik to look at my self……………pls hep wt should i do

  • I think there’s definitely a connection between vulnerability and confidence. It’s been true for me. I remember someone telling me once to visualize everyone in the audience naked during a presentation, and that actually helped a great. Suddenly I felt a lot less vulnerable!

  • There’s another post on the site that you may want to check out:

    He talks about dating in the third section, so this may be helpful to you!

  • Anon

    You’re very kind. Thank you.

  • Clare

    Great post — thanks for the info

  • Rani Borkar

    You are never given a dream without the power to make it true. It may seem tough at times and hope can be a difficult thing to hold on to. But when you do achieve your dreams, it will all suddenly make sense why you had to go through the failures to achieve success. And success feels much better when you have had to go through pain to achieve it. Otherwise its just like crossing the road, doesn’t get you on a high.

  • Aleem

    Come On Man Grow Up Now !! You Should Not Be Scared Of Yourself !! Try To Face The Problem By Your Heart !! Something Will Tell You Your Power !!

  • Sedona Cole

    What a great post! I especially like the tip ‘expect success’. We get what we think, ultimately (I wish I could always make it so simple on myself!!). I also have to give a shout out for what I learned from the book ‘The Audacity of Success’ (the title says it all!). It really helped me key in on ‘authenticity’, ‘self integrity’ and ‘inner passion’ before I really found myself coming from a place of ‘true’ confidence. Great post. Loved the share!!

  • Thanks so much! I haven’t heard of that book before, but I will check it out. =)

  • gaurav navghane

    hi lori,
    thanks a lot for this article … it has helped in lot in building confidence. I need ur help for my career in business world for building confidence

  • You’re most welcome! I’m glad this was helpful to you. =)

  • Lala

    What happends when you are a 22 year old female trying to gain confidencee but you have no friends no one to talk to other than co-workers wich are only two and that are much older than you and don’t share your same interst. Your family lives far away and are busy with theyre own lifes and dont care much about you they just expect the best out of you. Nothing else. No problems no nothing just a good outcome. You are basicly came out of a 7 year period of loniliness and depression and forgot what you like to do who you are. Where do you start? Where do you go? Because you cant do it alone sitting at home? to gain that confidence on knowing who you are again? Help..?

  • Hi Lala,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Your story sounds really similar to mine, in that I also struggled with depression, felt alone for years, and lost sight of what I liked to do and who I was.

    What helped me was joining a yoga studio (where I got free classes in exchange for volunteering behind the desk) as this allowed me to connect with myself and others.

    Have you ever tried yoga before? Is this something you’d consider doing? I guarantee it would help you discover a lot about yourself, and it would give you the opportunity to meet open-hearted people.


  • Pooja patil

    Hi… I’m pooja patil…. I have a knowledge but i don know how to express myself in front of people. I have lack of confidence,fear and all.. How to overcome of all these.. please help me…

  • Hi Pooja,

    I will try to help as best I can. What fears do you experience when you try to express yourself in front of people? What goes through your head?


  • Jenifer Lamug

    Wow Lori! This is excellent and very motivating.

  • Thanks so much–I’m glad you found it helpful!

  • andy

    very well written makes a lot of sense. I myself suffer from social anxiety , reading this is a stepping stone for me.. thanks Lori

  • You’re most welcome!

  • andy

    Hi Lori , could u help me with social anxiety? I ve been shy from childhood, am 30 year old man, everything makes me nervous now, I feel it’s not in my control and I totally end up being a fool or talk something not wise, my brain completely shuts off when I see a group where I am in it. Recently I had to take up a licence test and became completely nervous and lost it (taken into account am a very good driver with years of experience) if not for the test I am very good driver. I just can’t even do a simple task if I have some one watching me or jus with me, I just get too excited. Thanks again … Andy

  • umesh_vn

    Hi lori. It is the life with lots of good and bad experience made my life dry and thinking about surrounding. Its been said ‘surrounding makes man’s nature’. I better know their roots but from long time I am going to loose my fight against them and every time there I becomes frustrated, found unsuccessful feelings.. but i ‘m still fighting with hopes. These all time I’m going postponed my dreams and fearing to loose their thrill. Your mentioned points are really going to fill new hopes thanks.

  • Hi Andy,

    Have you ever tried meditation? This really helped me relax in groups of people because I found the hardest thing for me was my racing, insecure thoughts. I know you mentioned it’s the opposite for you–that your mind shuts down–but this could it help you stay calm, focused, and present. If you search YouTube for “meditation” and “social anxiety” you’ll find some great guided meditations that may help!


  • andy

    Thanks Lori, you are doing a very good job, helping people and supporting them. I am doing lots of breathing practices (Pranayam) and meditation now, hope this helps me before its too late.. cheers .. Andy again..

  • You’re most welcome, and thank you. =)

  • jojo

    This is awesome. I know i’m three years late but i think it deserves kudos.
    i play college basketball and i have been training pretty hard however im just always scared or nervous. its frustrating..i can barely have confidence to put up a shot

  • iesha

    hair done nails done eveything did. lol

  • aaliyah

    hey everyone i hope that you all have been very confident in yourself i think that being confident in yourself because good things come and good things go so be very confident

  • You’re most welcome. I have never played sports before, but I definitely understand the pressure to perform (as a former aspiring actress). I’m glad this helped!

  • Svet Nazarov

    Super important to now only learn it but to live it, just like you said! I also share the top SECRETS in how to build confidence TODAY ==>>

  • Bakhan Muhammad

    Thank you Lori for sharing your experience. That is wonderful and motivated me to do it as well. I printed out to read every day and practice to be confident. Thank you so much…

  • Stephanie

    I really liked what you wrote. My issue is putting it to use. I have confidence in my head, like I can play things out in my head on what I want to say, but when it comes time to say something I physically cant do it. I feel stuck. And being 19 and having to grow up fast, I just did what I was told and now its having its toll on me. Im afraid of doing anything because I think that others will judge me or I wont do something right; that i am going to disappoint them. I have started a new relationship.6 months now and I think my lack of confidence is taking its toll on it. Help? Thank you!

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • Hi Stephanie~ It may help to listen to some guided meditations on YouTube. These are powerful because they help you absorb the messages in your unconscious mind. So instead of just having confidence in your head, when you’re thinking through what you’ll say or do, you will challenge the deeply engrained beliefs that trip you up. If you search “guided meditation” or “hypnosis” and “confidence,” you will find a wide variety. I hope this helps!

  • Leia

    you are a sensei

  • Newbie

    Hi Lori,
    I really love this. I’ve been stuck in myself for along…so long time. I always feel scared, insecurity..and so inconfident alot. Everyday i live but just living with the past…which time maked me feel good…
    And, up to now…about 7 years…I’ve done nothing….NOTHING…
    It’s so pity…If i read it soon!
    Thank you so much Lori…

  • You’re most welcome! I definitely know what it’s like to feel scared and insecure. I’m glad this helped!

  • YouAreLoved

    Thanks for this beautiful site and this beautiful post, as always, Lori!

    I wanted to let you know that the link you gave – to the research about pessimism being bad for success – is no longer working. And, as my partner doesn’t believe in positive thinking, I’d love to give him some research to back up my belief in positive affirmations, etc 😉

    I also wanted to share that I have become more confident over time by reading confidence affirmations (and others) about every day to myself over the last few months! This has been one of the most important developments of my life, and I HIGHLY recommend the use of confidence affirmations (or other kinds of affirmations, like self-esteem, self-love, self-belief, etc) to anyone looking to be more confident in themselves! There are a bunch of great ones at freeaffirmations dot org.

    I certainly still struggle with it sometimes, but saying great things to yourself about yourself every day over a substantial period of time can really help give you the base you need to be strong and confident and believe in yourself so that no one, even those closest to you, can make you feel like you aren’t good enough. YOU ARE good enough, you are perfect, and you just need to convince/remind yourself of that 🙂

  • You’re most welcome, and thank you for letting me know about the link!

    That’s wonderful, that you’ve had luck with confidence affirmations. I’ve actually found hypnosis tracks with affirmations really helpful as well.

  • Tired

    Thanks Lori,
    I have been having a problem with one of my friends who I have been having a crush on for years and he started acting really rude to me and I couldn’t focus on anything anymore so I started having some crisis and I pray this steps really work out

  • You’re most welcome. I hope this helps!

  • Amir

    Thank you for putting this article together. I felt what you said. I is very helpful.
    Thank you for sharing your knowledge,

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • Alexa Simmons

    I couldn’t agree more with all of the points you made, brilliant article. The one that I have found particularly helpful in my experience is number 8 “Practice Confidence”

    I think it sounds strange to most people that you can practice confidence but it really does help a lot. Try to do something out of your comfort zone every day, even if it’s the smallest of things.

    After a while you begin to realize that people don’t analyze you as much as you think. Fear is all in the mind and it’s either created by memory or imagination. By conquering your fears it allows you to stop living in your mind and start living in the now.

    It’s all about baby steps, you can do it! 🙂

    Alexa –

  • SubZero

    Lori Deschene: awesome article, what you say makes so much sense. Its difficult for some people especially due to some life experiences but you right its so easy to believe people when they criticize, but we find it hard when they praise.

  • SubZero

    I’m going for an interview on Thursday and it doesn’t take a psychologist to know that I’m shy and not really that confident of a person

  • Thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • Isabel

    Hi Lori, I have always felt insecure about my dream to be a singer, though my close friends and family have heard me and said I was great. I want to do my school talent show to show my peers that I can have talent but the problem is I’m not sure if that talent is true. How would I overcome my fears of being dissed by the audience and gain my confidence to go up on the stage?

  • Hi Isabel,

    I think it’s great that you’re trying to push yourself to do this thing that scares you! Perhaps it would help to ask yourself these questions:

    What’s the worst that could happen if I do this?
    What’s the best that could happen if I do this?
    What would happen if I didn’t do this?
    What wouldn’t happen if I didn’t do this?

    You may find that the possible benefits outweigh the risks, which will help you push through your fear.

    And one more thought: Even if people don’t think you’re American Idol-worthy, odds are they wouldn’t obviously dis you. So really, it comes down to whether or not you can handle the possibility that people may think you aren’t the world’s best singer. Which basically means: Are you going to allow yourself to fear what other think so much that it limits you from doing what you want to do?

    Incidentally, you may want to read this post:

    I hope this helps!


  • darwin

    I dont really know where to start but my confidence,s just not there with me. lastnight i went to the club and i felt like a fool emberrasing moments in my in tire life. i got rejected like all the people in club was just laughing. i had to walk home. Thank you for sharing this ms lori it hepls alot, my negative side is pulling me down in the heart beat, and i just wanna be me happy for the rest of my life, over come this fear i have in me.

  • I think that the biggest mistake we make is that we stay still. Being it because of fear, not knowing how to proceed or any other excuse, we wait.

    Action breeds action and more action brings more confidence. Never stay still!

    Two Things You Need to Know About Self-Confidence:

  • sherrie

    Hey I just have a question… I really want to get into music and my thing is, if i find my voice perfectly suited for me first would that be a better choice. I just want to go out knowing what I’m capable of doing; and i do, but i want to be sure that I go out there at my best, is that wrong? Should I try a different approach?

  • SmillingPanda

    In school I was bullied so bad my confidence was shattered into a million pieces and I never thought I could recover my confidence and be who I wanted again but this is inspirational to me and with time I’m now sure I can gain my confidence back. Thank you Lori

  • You’re most welcome! As someone who was also bullied, I know how tough it is to regain your confidence and learn to value yourself. Glad this helped. =)

  • Hi Sherrie,

    I’m not entirely sure what you mean. Do you mean you want to be sure you’re happy with your singing voice before you share it with others?


  • anonymous

    im a 26 year old man with zero confidence. i cant connect with people and find it very difficult just to speak around people i dont know. every time i search online i get these kind of list, and i accept they probably work for some people, but not for me. i cant just think or read myself more happy or more confident. it dosent work that way. so im giving up. i will not be talking to people from now on, im moving out of the city to live alone, where i can at least feel like i could be normal. thanks for nothing all people ever

  • This is a great article. I found it recently as I’m writing an eBook on this subject. One of the insights that I have found in my search for greater confidence personally is that competence leads to confidence. When I lay out a plan and execute on that plan, I gain experience. As I hone my skills, I become more competent, and my confidence grows. Most of us want a short cut through the development stage. It’s strange how I never analyzed this pattern in my own behavior before now.

  • Indeed, we’re a short cut society. I have found the same thing to be true. The more I work at something, the more confident I feel. Thanks for sharing your insight! =)

  • Manjeet Goyat

    Hi Lori
    Thank you so much
    I just found it today and it helped a lot
    I am more confident now and there’s a thrill to achieve my dreams
    Dream Hope Live Enjoy

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped! =)

  • diya

    i’m stuck on something i don’t know about.. it’s making me feel very negative and stressed. i get angry on little things.. i was not like that before…

  • Avni

    Hi Lori,
    Its really great to read this….

  • Avni

    cn i ask something?

  • Sure, what’s that?


    i have lost my self confidence . i am sad very much for some months . i think every time that why am i so weak. i want to do something in my life but i feel unable to do anything . i am in trouble very much.i spread in pressure.

  • I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with, Rachit. Why have you lost your confidence, and why do you think you’re weak?


    I had completed my graduation & i wanted to do job now i can get a good job. i have a good apportunity but now my mind has ruptured very much. i am not get to deciding what is good for me . every thing is scaring to me . i wanted to do something special. but now i am felling unable .i am very emotionally man. every man is trying to break me.

  • Superspyme

    Very good article! It’s very complete.
    I like to add, if you allow me, that you should never Forget
    What Drives you. Your motivation will fuel you thirst for success and thus boost your confidence.
    Good stuff!

  • Thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it–and that’s a great addition!

  • I understand. I felt something similar after graduation. There was so much I wanted to do, but I felt lost and had no idea where to start.

    If I were to give advice to my younger self, it would be this:

    You don’t need to know right now what you’re going to do for the rest of your life. You don’t need to figure out how to be purposeful and successful right now.

    It’s a journey–and it’s like that for everyone. Take the pressure off yourself to have it all figured out. That doesn’t happen overnight just because you’re not in school anymore. It happens through time, as a result of trying different things, learning from your experiences, and developing confidence in yourself and your path as you grow.

    Incidentally, I didn’t start writing professionally until I was 27, and I didn’t start this site until I was 30. Of course, I know people who felt a sense of direction far sooner–but my point is: don’t be so hard on yourself! Everyone feels like you do when they’re in your shoes, and for all of us, it takes time.

    If you stop being hard on yourself, nothing will be able to break you.

    I hope this helps!


  • rucha

    wow!! this was a like a better perspective of looking at life. I loved it, especially all the quotes. Keep writing:)

  • Jambar Teambuilding

    Hi there, thanks for sharing your experience with us in this write up. I especially like the exercise that you mentioned to develop confidence and fulfilment which I find is very useful and helpful. This is a great post! Thank you!

  • You’re most welcome! =)

  • Bhumikk

    I need help cant take any decesions, cant concentrate at work, cant take care of my baby, have no hope, want to die, i have fear of lossing evrything, cant take decesions, have no patienece…please suggest…my mind is out of my control, i was not like this before, have fear of losing my home, husband, baby, work..need help, plesae suggest……….

  • Hi Bhumikk,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re dealing with classic symptoms of depression. Have you considered seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I saw both when I was dealing with depression, and it was life-saving.

    You are in my thoughts..


  • Santi

    Thank you I enjoyed reading on how to gain the confidence that I deserve so I can be successful. Bless B onto you.

  • You’re most welcome–I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • kiterunner581

    Simplifies life so well. My favorite piece.
    “People are more apt to see you how you want to be seen if they suspect you see yourself that way.”

  • I’m glad it was helpful to you! 🙂

  • james

    Hi Lori
    My name is James I’m 20 years old and I’m so sad it has been a long time for me staying at Home almost 2 years now. I’m so afraid to go out and meet new ppl so can u please help i Really need to change my life.

  • Hi James,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Why do you think you’re scared of meeting new people? Did something happen in your past that contributed to this?


  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    I truly admire your courage for speaking your feelings for this ‘boy’ in the first place! Most people would be flattered when someone express their feelings towards them regardless of gender; even if the feelings are not reciprocated…. Any real mature in his position would have shown the courtesy of letting you know that & letting you off in good terms. Like Lori said, hope you perspectives have changed since the last 3 years…its not easy, but just know there are so many of us who are in the same boat as you! 🙂

    By the way, from a guy’s perspective…you have no idea how many of us wish more girls/women would sometimes take the initiative and let us know how they feel; instead of all the subtlety…:P

  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    Hey James…I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through….For what its worth, you are not alone. Like Lori said, do you know what may have contributed to the situation…? Even though I don’t know your story & don’t wanna make any random conclusions…from my own struggles with Bi-Polar Disorder & hearing stories about others who have/are going through it…it could be because of ‘social anxieties,’ and depression…. So, whatever it may be…it could be really helpful if you can find a good therapist that you feel comfortable to talk to & see how that goes; and try to take it one day at a time! Hope this was of some help.

  • richa

    YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB LORI…Keep writing gives inspiration and motivation to many young aspirants like me. who are in the process of improving themselves…i am 24 now and i was a good singer, a good badmintton player could sketch well and was a good runner too during my school days…was not so good in my academics but was a very hardworker and could manage to score 70 to 75 pencent by sheer hardwork. but while in college i chose engineering and couldnt score well enough as mathematics being toughest subject for me and end up scoring a second class degree…now its getting tough for mee to find a right job…from last three year i am jobless….my self confidence has now reached to its like i couldnt even say a single sentence whithout making any mistake…i want to say something and end up saying something else..i found shortage of words while speaking…which is why i started avoiding making friends though i like it…somtimes it happens that i started doubting myself about the kind of person i am i had almost lost faith in me , my hardwork…at present i am preparing for various competetive exams had also appeared many of them but couldnt succeed…yet i am preparing with the hope of success someday…

  • Thanks Richa. I’m so sorry to hear about the trouble you’ve had finding work. It can be so difficult when you’ve lost your confidence. Preparing with the hope of success sounds like a great way to increase your odds of success! I hope all goes well with the exams. I’ll be thinking of you!

  • kavin paker

    One of the things that I learned and you put it so eloquently is that
    jealousy is a way for you to know what you want, and to do something
    positive and productive about it.

  • xmen

    Hi lori. I am a new comer and I recently found out this site. I am a guy but I’m having trouble talking to a girl I like. I always get nervous and the girl I like is telling me to relax and not be so nervous. She was apparently upset that I don’t talk to her even when we are in the same class. It’s only because I’m so nervous and some times I think she understands but deep down I think she’s a bit upset that I don’t talk. I have problems speaking with a lot of people and I don’t have many friends. Can you suggest something? Thanks!

  • Hi there,

    Welcome to the site! I can understand the nerves, as I’ve been there before.

    I have a suggestion that may sound kind of bizarre, but it works well. When you see this girl, whatever you’re thinking in your head, think it in a silly voice, like Bugs Bunny or some other cartoon character. This will take the weight off those thoughts, and will make it a lot easier to loosen up. It’s called “The Silly Voice Technique” and it’s from Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap.

    It may also help to practice deep breathing whenever you see her to help ground and calm yourself.

    You may want to share your story in the Tiny Buddha forums, as well, to get insight and advice from the whole community. It’s a really loving, supportive space!

    It’s free to join here:

    Then you can access the forums here:

    I hope this helps!


  • littlemisslost

    Hi Lori, I have come to the realisation that I am totally lost, I knew exactly who I was going back five years but recently had some knocks (mainly mistakes made by me and seculated by everybody!), I am surrounded by my partners negative family who all hate me, I just finished my degree last year and should be the happy confident person I have always been but right now I feel traped in limbo and don’t know if I will ever find my self or my confidence again, what can you advise? I have never felt this way before in my life and its just getting worse.

  • Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I know how tough it can be to regain your confidence when you’ve lost it. Perhaps it would help to make a list of things that have helped your confidence in the past, whether that means taking a tiny step toward a new goal, facing a fear, or acting with integrity. Then you could try to do one of these kinds of things per day, no matter how small.

    I know for me, when I take tiny, consistent steps, it helps me feel much more confident in myself.

    Aside from that, would you be open to having a conversation with your partner’s family members to get to the root of what’s going on there? Having their support would help a great deal. And if they’re not able to offer it, then perhaps you could spend less time around them. Regardless of your mistakes, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly.

    I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts…


  • little miss lost

    Hi Lori, thanks for getting back to me, your advice is invaluable, you are right, I think I am stuck at the moment and need to get moving forward again in order to begin re regain my confidence, I will start to formulate plans which will help me to take the necessary steps forward.

    As far as my partners family go, they have been the same for ten years and don’t listen to anybody but themselves unfortunately, so I think I may just withdraw from them myself so I am not caught up in their negative cycle that brings me down “(

    thank you for your kind words, I think I just needed a little direction and I have that now, I know what I need to do to get myself back to being me again, thank you again “)

  • You’re most welcome. I’m sorry to hear about your partner’s family. Creating some space sounds like a wise plan!

    Sending good thoughts your way…


  • SH

    I’m humbled by some of the responses here. I too have issues with confidence that happened over the past year when I went through an awful break up with my fiance and then met someone whom I dated and was really emotionally abusive towards me. After that I feel like my confidence just collapsed and now I am completely single I am trying to build it up one step at a time. I really want to start a business and do something with my life I just have a lot of doubts about my capabilities. Thanks for the article it is helpful but I think it will take time because right now I feel I am a world away.

  • Dr. Benway

    I know the feeling. I wish I had better advice but my experience has taught me that the longer you stay secluded the more afraid you become.

  • jn233

    I would like to ask, is there more people like me that have this constant nervous feeling daily, especially when there is an activity where you feel not convident about your own performance around people? Today i felt really inconfident in a course about building strong relationships with business partners. I noticed i did not trust myself for being smart enough to know things and say my opinion out loud. It makes me nervous and i find it hard to loose this feeling again. I also have it with personal things, lately i am nervous 24/7 and also don’t sleep from it. I cannot specify why or what makes me go on being nervous. It makes me really tired both emotionally and physically. I try yoga and meditation but still this didn’t made it go away. I hope somebody has a good advice.

  • Suchi

    This is a totally mood changing article …I am bookmarking it 🙂 . Thanks Lori , very well written !!

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • shushant bhardwaj

    this was really helpful thnx so much for this as it helps to tackle a lot of things in life. I have a problem with me that i think about others more than myself.
    i have clashes in my mind that what others feels or think for me. Please help me to overcome this as i think it tending me down from my capabilities.

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped! In regards to thinking about others more than yourself, I recommend checking out Amanda Owen’s books (The Power of Receiving and Born to Receive). They may change the way you think about looking out for yourself and meeting your own needs!

  • ShotgunOtto

    I love this article. I read it once already and found it again today . Still useful and good to know. Thanks for the help

  • anna

    im only 11 and i feel like the world around me is spinning and that im shy and cry in school im so different i need self confidence

  • Hi Anna,

    My heart really goes out to you. It can be so hard to have confidence in general, but even harder when you’re young. I struggled quite a bit when I was your age; and it didn’t help that kids were cruel.

    In what way are you different? What makes you cry in school?


  • Allie

    Well I’m in middle school and I like this popular guy but I’m shy and I have no confidence and I really want to have a good reputation like the nice girl who isn’t shy not the shy nobody I wanna change that and be myself again I just get nervous and worry if people r gonna laugh at me

  • Hi Allie,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through! I felt the same way in middle school. You mentioned that you want to be yourself again. So there was a time when you didn’t feel this way? What happened that changed you?


  • Cat’s ears

    Your article was is very nicely written. It doesn`t help me, but I’m sure it helps a lot of others still searching. my problem lies in 2. and 4. I know that my capabilities are not enough to manage what I actually want to do with my life.
    I can’t understand math. I can use it but I don’t understand it. (Kind of like using a computer) which crushes my wish to become an engineer. I also can’t draw good enough to become a designer and I don’t know what people want enough to be a journalist. I’ve practised these things, but that spark that you need to get people to like what you do just isn’t there.
    The oppurtunities that I have would keep me alive ( I could become a teacher ) but it certainly wouldn’t make me very happy. I’m actually quite confident but it seems whatever I try I run against stone walls…

  • The Cat’s Miau

    I got a friend who does this often!
    First: plan your project. If you are writing a story, plan it from beginning to end and write the most important things down by hand. That way you have a guideline as base for your work and don’t get lost over the course of it. You can also detect for example logic flaws in this stage instead of finding them after you wrote ten pages ; )
    Secound: Don’t give up! Everyone gets better while writhing so just keep on doin it, as soon as the story gets longer and the more exiting things start to happen it wil get better naturally.
    Third: Get a friend to help. Let him/her read the story while you are writing the book, he/she is going to tell you if it is understandable. But remember that it is your work and that you don’t have to follow their advice, you know what`s best for your story!
    Fourth: be persistend. If you want to publish your work send it to a lot of different publisher’s. After all harry potter got rejected at first as well. Even if they don’t take your work, someone might send you a response and tell you what you could have done better.
    That’s all tips that i know… Now go write that story ; )!

  • Are you able to take classes to improve your capabilities? As for as knowing what people want, I imagine that’s just a matter of experience. I know it’s tough to get the experience when you’re not yet confident, but perhaps if you focus on improving your skills, the rest will come naturally with time.

  • Louis

    a lot of this made sense to me. Thank you. It helped 🙂

  • You’re most welcome!

  • Hemendra

    Thank you Lori for this wonderful article. I have faced lot of failures in academics, relations, professional life etc since decade even when I tried all my best and with all faith. I have been emotionally broken and very judging to myself. Its very hard to live with such a heavy feeling in heart constantly. Lack of confidence, which grew with all failures, had tore me apart and the worst part is I can not share how I feel with any one. I feel like living life once again in much better way which I am living. Thanks for your article as it gives hope.

  • You’re most welcome! I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles you’ve faced. I know how painful it can be to live under the weight of your own judgment. I’m glad this gives you hope, and I hope things improve for you.

    Sending good thoughts your way,

  • Gingerika

    Fwiw, this quote is recorded as originally having been spoken by Ghandi (likely from old Indian/Asian wisdom), and subsequently quoted in turn by Eleanor Roosevelt (to whom many quotes are originally attributed, though she was seldom the originator of them). Seen in light of the life of Ghandi, and the very difficult situations he was in which prompted his saying that, to me the quote takes on even more meaning 🙂

  • RT

    Thank you so much Lori for sharing these confidence tips. I ended up in a burn out situation with many health issues to cope with (alone),could not work and on top of it my marriage (of 28 years) broke down.
    I had always been a very strong person before I married but the heart ache from the pain that I endured during this time,broke me.
    But through reading and learning (through great sites as yours,so grateful) I slowly re-built myself and my life again. It hasn’t been easy but I refuse to give up on my life!
    Knowing what I know today that, when you believe in yourself anything is possible, one step at a time. That having confidence in yourself is feeling and believing you will be okay and you will get through. And not allowing circumstances or people to take your power away.
    We need to believe we are so worth it and deserve to be happy and that’s how I continue to see my journey.
    With sincere gratitude Lori for your site and the support I have received from it. xx

  • khan

    Hello I have a hard time getting around with girls.I never had a relationship in my
    life and im 29.I really regret it now why is it so, hard for girls to like me and
    how can they find me like a nice guy and think he’s good just as the
    rest of the other guys.Please someone help me and yes I do suffer from
    bipolar but, Im doing really good now.I finally want to get married and I have a successful life
    like other people do.I think it’s wrong for someone to judge that he or
    she has bipolar that they should get away from them and anyone can have a disease but that
    doesnt mean they have lost their human hearts and bipolar people have
    feelings too they just need to find the right way thats all.Please give
    me some advice here thanks.

  • This is great advice, I used to be unconfident, and then I started taking more chances and expecting that things will work out. And they did more often than not.

  • Thanks Jason! I think a lot of times, we tell ourselves that we can’t take chances until we become more confident, but I bet a lot of people would find that taking more chances actually helps them build their confidence. It was certainly true for me.

  • khan

    can you please Lori help me find my confidence in life because i want to have a girlfriend or wife.

  • Hi Khan,

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling in this way. Have you tried any of the things I suggested within the post? Did they help at all?


  • khan

    yes thanks for replying some are helping.

  • Yeah, it’s funny how we all have it twisted around the wrong way. It takes acts of courage, and stepping out of our comfort zone, to actually build confidence!

  • Emmanwele

    Yeah man ,i agreed with you (:

  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    You are right; even Krishna & Buddha have said something very similar. At the end of the day, I think what really matters is; what we can take out of it rather than who really said it.

  • Irritated

    This is all bullshit. There is no way to build confidence. Period.

  • dayyyzzzeee

    My extreme lack of confidence has stopped me from being happy for so many years. I’m only 18 and I know my life has just begun, but I’m so insecure about everything! I hate it! I can’t even remember when it all started, but I know it was a long time ago. The thing is that I should’ve tried fixing this years ago. Now I feel like it’s going to take a very long time for me to gain some confidence again. Reading this article really got me thinking and everything you said is so true! I’ll be reading it a few more times in the future whenever I feel like I need a boost. By the way thank you for making this article(:

    peace and love everybody(:

  • sopheak

    I have lost confidence in my life….difference from the past i am a confidence person,please help me

  • kirky29

    This is such a great post, I’m so glad I found it, I feel like reading it everyday until it all sticks.

    I’ve struggled with confidence & loneliness issues for years and I’ve only really just realised it, I’m a very ambivalent person and struggle to understand what I want, where I want to be and what I want to do, but I now finally see that I want & need to move away from home to somewhere new and make new friends and see new things… Is there any advice you could give to help me trust myself and ‘change’?
    Thank you so much 🙂

  • I’m glad you enjoyed it! As someone who has moved many times, my advice is to question whether you’re running to something or away from something.

    If you want to move because there’s something specific you want to do, or somewhere specific you feel compelled to go, then great! But if you feel like moving will help you be someone you are not now, then you may find yourself disappointed. (I know I did).

    I quickly learned that no change in environment would make a difference if I didn’t make changes within first–starting with my self-esteem. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. And if you’re new somewhere, it can take a while to make new friends. So the key is to be sure you are your own friend before you try to establish a new life somewhere else.

    Or, if you’re like me, you’ll go without doing this and learn as you go. I’m happy about every move I made, but I know I would have been more engaged in the first few places I lived if I worked at loving myself first.

    I hope this helps a little–and I wish you much joy in your adventures to come!


  • I think this is great for some people who are really dedicated to giving it a go. It takes practice. Some people expect confidence to find them one day.. it comes from doing what you fear – the magic happens just outside the comfort zone! It gets easier! 🙂

  • chelbear

    Hi..i wasn’t sure how to join the discussion so i just replied here. I have a problem with being social…i never did before but i recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and at fist things were going good but i lost friends one by one because i realized for the first time theyre not real friends. I spend so much time alone now because i have two friends left both of which are too busy to see me much i dont even know how to be me anymore. Especially at work. I used to be fun to work with now everybody says im quiet.and when i do talk i dont approve of what im saying i feel like im not really me i dont know who i am and how to be that person i feel like i lost my personality please help :/

  • Hi there,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through and what you’re going through. It sounds like you need to meet some new people who are open-hearted and open-minded.

    Have you ever tried yoga before? This helped me a great deal when I was healing from some of my past abuse (since it helps you slow your thoughts and a find a sense of inner calm) and it also enabled me to meet great new people who I could feel comfortable opening up to. Perhaps this would be a good next step for you. Or, if yoga doesn’t interest you, perhaps you could join a mediation group.

    I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts!


  • Ling

    I’m in my dental school application stage at the moment and this article really inspires me! I always worry too much which made me nervous and end up rushing and saying irrelevant things in interviews :/ and as someone who always think of the worst thing that could happen, I really need to drill this article into my head, especially no. 3, 4 and 8. 🙂

    I’m applying once more but now im going to try to be more confident! It won’t be easy to change overnight, but I’m trying my best to trust myself and my capability haha. :))

    Thank you so much for this lovely article, its really refreshing to read something positive in a world full of negativity these days. 🙁 Continue inspiring more like you just did to me today. xx 🙂

  • Backey

    This Article is amazing. Its been now couple years since the beginning of my junior year in high school when I stopped being so confident in myself. Now I am in college and every single thing I do I always have a doubt, I question myself a lot, and for a result I don’t do so well. My culture criticizes and judges a lot, I try on ignoring so I can live a better life but things still get to me because I am 19 and I am basically almost taking care of the whole house hold, not financially but everything is on me and it stresses me out because nobody else tries on helping me instead they want more and more. I want to be a confident person like I used to be, I loved doing so many things and I knew I was good at those things because I was helping a lot of students, but my confidence suddenly dropped as I grew up, but this article really made me think, I don’t have any relationship problems, I have problems with myself and I can definitely fix that, looks like that’s what you told me in the article. I think I am going to save this writing so I can read and remind myself of confidence until I regain mine. Thank you so much for taking your time and writing this for us Lori, its a big appreciation.

  • You’re most welcome! It sounds like you’ve had a lot to handle–I understand why it’s been stressful! I’m glad this was helpful to you. =)

  • livanho

    i am happy to see this site ok so we can now be compateble

  • livanho

    i told some girl that i love her she said god damm it

  • livanho

    like we just said that Confidence

  • hi,,,

    how to be confident

  • The Scientist

    Hello Lori,
    I am a senior in college, getting ready to embark on the next journey, grad school. A confusing time for most if you love science and cant make up your mind, but also a second chance. Being the ripe age of 23 (a beginning adult) I have experienced a lot of heart break over the past few months, I had to have an abortion due to lack of support, definitely a crossroad I never thought I would come to and a choice I never even thought of. I have always tried to prepare for everything in my life, haha like files of “how to” life hacks on a bookshelf when the time came in my life to pull out the instructions, I guess part of a scientific mind. Leading up to this event in my life, I was confident, taking 8 classes…. yes 8 at a time, I changed my first major freshman year and almost finished my major now in only 3 years of college….. so I really had no life, it was full force or nothing. I held on major leadership roles both in my major and out including military roles such as officer candidate ones for post graduation. I guess you could say preparing for that next step in my life, and going full force into. Well following the sad event a few months ago it knocked me on my a^%, if you catch my drift. A bit of a reality check. Well, of course like most women in my position I mourned till I couldn’t anymore….. well I guess till I lost faith in myself and confidence, which is what brings me to your site. From February 7,2015- March 7, 2015 I am using your advice and others in different areas of my life which need to be brought to life again in an experiment called “Operation Reset”, I have different categories from school to relationships and everything in between that I believe can be revamped, and I am sure that you know more than anyone that nothing can be mended, fixed, or resolved until you start with yourself first. So, on that note I wanted to thank you for giving me the building blocks to put the pieces of my life back together, not as they were before but using the same pieces to create a better image for my life. Thank you!!

  • Paige

    Hi Lori! Wow This is incredible. I’m glad I was able to read this, and from the looks of all the comments. I’m not the only one who found this article very motivating. I think we all run into a problem with confidence at some point in our lives. I know I have, and what’s helped me the most is to just remember that we are all different, but no one is perfect. One thing that has always been hard for me to grasp is feeling too confident to the point where you become prideful. How do you maintain the confidence level? 🙂 Thanks for your post!

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped!

  • Awesome reminder and wisdom!!

  • Gozer7

    What about height, how can a very short guy like myself (5’4″),gain confidence with alot of people looking down on me, literally and mentally?

  • katie

    This was super helpful, well written and positively motivating! I’m about to move country to pursue a passion and turn it into a career and i was really doubting myself. I even felt silly for ‘googling ways to be confident’ but this was definitely helpful and inspiring 🙂 thank you

  • Lori, you just solved a complete mistery that was hidden inside me, or perhaps I always knew but I was too blind to see it and admit it! You just gave me the inner peace and, of course, the confidence boost I needed in my life, personally, professionally and emotionally. Thank you so much!!!!

  • You’re most welcome! I’m glad this was helpful to you, Martin. =)

  • Sarah

    Anna it’s the children who are shy, contemplative, complex and different who become the future artists, intellects and inventors. Embrace your uniqueness because one day you’ll be glad that you have it.

  • Basketballer46

    I play basketball and all my coaches say I have really good poetential. I think I do to, but when I got out on the court I just dont do good, maybe its confidence. If I do stuff by myself when no ones around I do really good. But when people are around I just totally don’t do good

  • Marcus

    Would you like to share your heart with someone so shallow. A person that rejects you without giving you a chance to express yourself. There is someone waiting for you down the road who will love you and wont reject you………

  • stupot

    I feel lack of confidence in my relationship of 22 years, feel I need to show my wife more attentioN, and some how fail, due to just plodding in life, need bit of help..

  • Shadow

    Hey Lori,I’m an athelete.I’m 21 years old.everytime I go to field I have pressure to play well for my team.Most of the time my team depends on me for win.previously 1-2 years it was ok I carried that pressure but now I am feeling really depressed that is affecting my game.I fears if I fail my team would definitely lose and that happens most of the time. Despite how hard i try we are losing most of the even my juniors are laughing at my performance.plz help me.

  • Hi Shadow,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I can understand why you’ve been feeling depressed, since you’ve been putting so much pressure on yourself. That pressure is likely to affect your game. It’s hard to do your best when you’re stuck in panic mode.

    When I was younger, I used to do community theater. I put a ton of pressure on myself to be perfect. I wanted every song and every scene to blow people away because I tied my worth to their approval and applause. Because I put so much pressure on myself, I overworked myself, and I ended up getting sick before almost every show–so really, stressing about being perfect did nothing but ensure a less than stellar performance.

    I wish I knew then what I know now: I can only do my best, and the rest is out of my control. If I had focused on doing my best, I might not have been perfect, but I would have fared much better than I did when I pushed myself too hard.

    So that’s my advice to you: accept that you might not always win, and that people may not always be kind. But you don’t need to internalize that or take it personally. If you’re doing your best, you have every reason to be proud of yourself.

    I know this is more easily said than done. It might take time to truly internalize this idea. It might help to remind yourself how you’d advise a good friend in your shoes. You’d likely keep reminding her to go easy on herself–and you deserve that same compassion.

    I hope this helps!


  • Zach Payne

    1) I wasn’t born with confidence.
    2) All weaknesses.
    3) I may expect success, but failure knocks at the door.
    4) I have capabilities?
    5) I tried that, but the unknown stabbed me and robbed me.
    6) I took risks, but the police caught and arrested me. I’m now a felon.
    7) Learn to receive what? I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
    8) This whole step is greek to me.

  • Joseph Petersen

    I don’t even believe gaining confidence is possible any more.

    I had a laugh at step 3. Expect success? Uh, that’s really impossible. Firstly, if you’re attempting something brand new, at best you can “expect” a 50/50 shot. Expecting only success wouldn’t be realistic. Now, taking that further, if you’ve NEVER succeeded at something, you would have zero reason to “expect success”, and in fact should expect failure.

    Step 8 is also a joke. “Practice Confidence”. Uh ok, I don’t know how to be confident, so how can I practice it?

    In case it isn’t blatantly obvious, my lack of confidence is entirely centered around talking to women. I don’t have problems with any situation in life except where approaching women is concerned. I do well in job interviews and even public speaking, but if I see a woman I’m attracted to.. well. approaching is impossible.

  • Celestyn

    Hi can i use those text in Duolingo? I want improve my english, and that text is very interesting so i would like to tranlate it to polish language. Sorry for my english, but i just start learn it 🙂

  • Susan Mary Malone

    Thank you, Lori! Embracing the unknown is something I’ve been working on, and “Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world,” really helped me! Kudos!

  • John S

    Hello, I feel so depressed right now. It has been years that I would have liked to date a girl, and yet at the age of 22 I’m unable to do so. I horribly lack of confidence that I’ve started to hate myself…Also, I’ve started to believe that I am an ugly person even though that I had believed in the past that I was an average person.

    Having no friends from the female side kills me, resulting probably from my lack of confidence. I always tell myself that everyone will laugh at me if I do something wrong.

    I’m really tired of this life, I can only reach happiness through material items. As for love, it will never happen I guess.

    Kindly, if you have any advice for such person like me I would appreciate your help since right now I don’t find any meaning to my life.

    Best regards,

  • sherlyn

    Hi Lori… very nice and helpful article. I too need your advice. I am 23… have always been very confident and worked hard for things I wanted ams mostly achieved it… be in relationships or exams or anything… but of recent from past year or so I have lost my confidence and my zeal to get what I want. I have become very negative towards stuff… I wanna be an actress and did a course in it too and my mentors told me I am good but when I have to audition I get scared and try to avoid it and the career I have chosen is completely depended on auditions.. And I was never someone who wad scared of stuff… but of recent something is wrong I can’t quite get it… things are just not working out… even in relationships front I ain’t succeeding I want commitments but when I get it I run away… I really don’t know what’s wrong with me and what should I do..

  • Hi Sherlyn,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I studied acting in school and originally intended to pursue a career in musical theater, so I feel your pain!

    It sounds like perhaps the auditioning lifestyle is affecting your confidence on all fronts. (Either that, or there are other unresolved issues affecting your relationships). Please know there’s nothing wrong with you. Anyone would feel insecure living a lifestyle that entails regular rejection.

    On the first day of my first acting class in college, our teacher instructed us to choose any other profession if there was anything else we felt we could do. He said a career in acting is just that hard. At the time I found this incredibly discouraging, but I think he was trying to prepare us for the thick skin we’d need to develop if we hoped to pursue an acting career.

    Like me, you may find that you love acting but don’t want to build your life around it. Or, you may decide the possibility of doing what you love for a living is worth the uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps you just need to give yourself a little time to make this decision and accept, in the meantime, that what you’re feeling is totally normal.

    Everyone struggles with their confidence when they’re just entering the working world. It’s magnified for those who try to do something so incredibly difficult. Be proud that you’re making the effort, especially considering how hard it is. And if you decide to do something else, be proud that you were brave enough to identify what’s truly best for you. This line of thinking helped me tremendously when I was feeling bad about myself, my feelings, and my choices. I hope it helps you too!


  • Hi Melissa,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened with your ex. I know how easy it is to take it personally when someone doesn’t seem to care as much as you do. I’ve been in this situation before, and I’ve wondered why I wasn’t good enough. In retrospect, though, I can see it was never about me. I simply chose men who weren’t available to me and men who didn’t recognize my worth. I deserved better than that, and you do too!

    I imagine with time, as the pain starts to fade, you’ll get your confidence back. It just might take a bit.

    Sending good thoughts your way…


  • Prachi

    I needed this today! Thank you so much!

  • Hope

    Thank you. Your words are my happy place. I have a dream job, I am working in this company for 3 years, I started to work there since I was 18. But I always had more dreams, I have so Many dreams that I am scared not achieving them, not even get close to them. I am 21 years old, and I wish to complete all these dreams at the same time, but Maybe I am a little ungrateful when I say I never wanted this job it was never one of my dreams, maybe its because I dont know what I really want to do and thats why I want to try so many different things in the shortest time possible but I dont know how to deal with it, I am still with this job and not achieving the rest of my dreams. And I dont know how to move forward. Maybe I am scared to do the next Step, one thing I know for sure that one dream is my life dream and this dream is to be a singer but in my family they recommend me to stay at my job that is cabin crew and that I should continue growing in this area changing to bigger companies but what I really want to try is get into music business and I am scared if going after this dream I put in risk my job and dissapoint my family. I think my problem is that I dont know wich way to go to achieve this big dream and without knowing it I dont want to start the next step/move.

  • You’re most welcome! I can understand the eagerness to try different things. Would it be possible for you to keep your job for now and work on music on the side? Then you’d have job security, but you’d also be moving in the direction of something you’re passionate about. And this would give you time to learn the different ways you could make a living in the music industry.

    If you started doing this now, you could probably transition to a different career some time in the next few years (maybe less, maybe more, depending on what you decide to do).

    I wish you much joy on the journey ahead! =)

  • soma

    thanks very much …

  • Brilliant post! The point on knowing ones strengths and weaknesses is what I found more applicable to me. May a times when I take up stuff which I know for a fact is not my forte, I actually end up losing self confidence.

    Rather, if I take up things which I’m good at, it automatically helps boost my self confidence.

    Loved the other points too.. but this one was like a biggie! 😉

  • Thanks, Siddharth. I’m glad this helped! =)

  • adde

    This was great 🙂

  • Thanks! 🙂

  • Dhikesh

    Hi, Lori,

    Iam Dhikesh from Bangalore (India), working in a E-commence company, my dream is to start a own company, but i have almost did it documents like proposal, agreements myself, but not able to start it due to financial issues, it cost almost 2 Lakh initial capital, i dont know how to find it, can you give my some suggestion… it is my dream not, because one life achieve your goals is most important than people matters, as i remember Facebook coo famous quote,” we cannot make everybody happy to achieve your goals”…..


  • Dhikesh


    The best answer is Steve job’s quote ” Stay Hungry and Stay Foolish”, never fear we are going to die one day then why you fear about failures, try your best, if not try other one as bible mentioned, who knockth will seekth.

    Warm Regards,

  • Hi Dhikesh,

    I found this list of resources that you might want to check out:

    I hope this helps so you can get started on your dream! =)


  • Kuldeep Agarwal

    Hi I’m 15. I lack tremendous amount of confidence. I get nervous every time even at home and at school. That nervousness makes me shut my mouth and when I open it I stutter. Sometimes its even difficult to swallow my own spit. I feel ashamed. I have two faces. One is being serious only at school and the other at home where I’m just doing nothing. I don’t like to go out, hangout with friends. I just have 2-3 good friends. Alone is my comfort zone. I just want to get rid of it. I really don’t know how to work hard, I haven’t done it before. At first I wasn’t like this but it just happened so I need to put some efforts and start digging deep. Thank you for putting a blog like this to help us.

  • Aleena Lina

    Hi Lori, Thank u so much u r such sweetheart

  • You’re most welcome, Aleena. I’m glad this helped. =)

  • priyu

    Lori the prob is not this the actual obstacle is that i panic when i speak to anyone even i if i know that person apart from my friends i really hesitate a lot … n because of this i have lost many things in my life actually very precious things ….. what shall i do ?? kindly reply..

  • gokul

    Hi my name is goku from delhi india

    I feel always pressurised and in negative thoughts … Am a black guy and always everyone teases me of that..that makes e feel very bad..i think am not up to the level of others..i lack confidence and truly i wanted to become a great person in my life..could u help me to over come my weaknesses and fight out..please help

  • asma


  • asma

    i am sorry you got rejected

  • asma

    i still need more ideas to become more confident

  • Amina

    Thank You, that really helped me alot.

  • Rach

    Hi Lori,
    I loved your blog and I am looking forward to apply these techniques practically.
    This year I am going to join a new college in a big city and I am really scared if I’ll be able to make new connections with people. I’ve started getting a complex of not being good enough recently. My communication skills are not so great and I think this might become a barrier in getting all the new things started.

    I hope you advice me on this. I really need a good one!

  • Hi Rach,

    I’m glad this was helpful to you. Congrats on this new adventure! What do you think is lacking with your communication skills?


  • Christina

    I loved reading this.. I am studying to become a nurse.. I’ve always been afraid of failure. I say to myself all the time “I can’t do this” or “I will fail”. I am so sick of feeling this way. My teacher told me to not be afraid to try. Be Brave!! I feel for the first time that I can do anything I put my mind to. I don’t want my fear to win, so I will keep going. These tips were great!!

  • jestin

    I have gone to different websites and read tons of articlea about the same . But truly, this one turns out to be the most worthy of it all……
    Thank you for the precious words…..
    Keep writing articles like this…..

  • You’re most welcome!

  • Newbie

    Thank you for sharing this post. Not only did I enjoy reading it, I appreciate the time you took to post it. I have just signed up for a course to learn about blogging, and one of the activities that we are asked to complete, is to find a blog on a topic that we are interested in. I find myself, many times as I get older, losing confidence. Even writing this post is making me feel slightly nervous, as I am unfamiliar with this world. However as your blog suggests, it is a risk I should take – small to some, but somewhat big for me.

    Again, thank you for sharing your post. I enjoy the articles posted on Tinybuddha.

  • You’re most welcome! Congrats on your new path. I hope the course helps you create a blog you love. =)