“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~Unknown
Heartbreak. I have never felt anything as torturous.
It’s been just over a year since my first real heartbreak, and finally, after more pain and tears than I can describe, I have started to move on.
The loss of a love you believed to be true can leave you feeling shattered. No matter how independent you believed you were, and how many positive things everyone else believes about you, you may feel like the better half of everything you know has disappeared.
This is what I felt. In the first few weeks after the breakup I could barely get out of bed. I would spend my time sobbing and convincing myself that the pain would never go away. How could it?
How could I have been so wrong about something I believed in with every inch of my soul? How could I continue living after I had found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with—and lost him?
I used to think of myself as a confident, outgoing person, but one single loss and I had not a shred of self-esteem left. And the thought of being around people and acting happy made me crawl back into bed and cry.
It hasn’t been pretty. Breakups and any form of significant loss deprive us of the sanity and rationality we would previously have been proud of.
Here are some things I had to learn about how to move past the abyss.
The First Few Weeks After Loss
Cry. Be sad. Feel the pain.
The best advice I got at this time—the only advice that actually helped, in fact—was that breakups suck, and there’s nothing you can do but give the wound time to heal.
At this point in time you are not expected to believe your best friend who is saying that everything is going to be okay, or your cousin who thinks it’s for the best. Eventually, these loving intentions will be priceless, but for now, just accept the pain.
That Ray of Light & Hope When Your Heart Hurts Just a Little Less
Eventually, the pain will start subsiding. You will realize that your puppy did something goofy and laugh, or that there is a particularly lovely flower in your garden, or that your morning coffee actually tastes good.
Look out for these moments, as they will make you whole again over time.
When you realize that you can actually feel something other than pain again, even if for just a few seconds, try to become more observant. Start looking out for the beauty around you. There is beauty.
One of the positive sides of having your heart shattered into a million pieces is that as it comes together again, you can gain a new perspective on life.
Take a minute to observe the beauty in the simplest things around you, which you may have previously taken for granted, and you’ll be surprised at how much you’ve been missing out on. I sure was.
At this time your friends will start expecting you to get better and become the social bestie they miss. Don’t push yourself. It is okay to want to stay home and watch a movie instead of going out. You are the only one who knows what’s best for you.
Starting to Move (Crawl) On
At some point, something deep down inside of you will say it’s time to start moving on. Now it gets challenging! At this point, you should start to push yourself.
Be honest, and once you know it’s time, go for it. You don’t need to spend the night out partying—start slowly. Accept an invitation for a meal or a coffee date with a friend. If possible, make your own way there so that you’ll know that you can leave if you feel uncomfortable.
This step is crucial, but you won’t feel like doing it. My therapist (to whom I am forever grateful) practically had to supervise me as I made my first plans with a friend. It’s hard, but once you know it’s time, please push through.
It’s okay to go to the bathroom and cry in between the starter and the main course, and again between the main course and desert if you need to. Eventually, you’ll only need one break. And with time, you’ll start enjoying yourself again—as long as you take the first painful steps!
Months On—Should I Be Healed?
For me, the healing process took quite a while. About nine months in, I moved to a different country. My life was practically turned upside down, and every day was a new adventure with amazing new people.
I even met a guy who I had a short-lived, casual relationship with. Although there was nothing real involved, it was a huge pace forward considering that a few months earlier, the thought of being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach.
In spite of all this, I couldn’t stop thinking of my ex. We talked almost every day, and he was still a huge part of my life. I realized I was holding myself back and that I would never truly move on if I kept talking to him, so I stopped.
I still didn’t completely move on. Over the Christmas break I found out he was seeing someone else, and it felt like we were breaking up all over again. These feelings were amplified by the thought that I should have moved on by then. I was beating myself up for going back to that dark place, even though I thought I was healed.
Finally Breaking Free
Moving on from things that bring me down has become a much easier process, so within a couple of weeks I was feeling better. This time I also realized that I no longer had any interest in my ex.
Finally, I was free from the rollercoaster that had ruled my life for the past year.
If you’re at the stage when you feel you should have moved on by now, don’t make things worse for yourself by worrying about it. You will move on eventually. You can help yourself to get to that point but you can’t force it.
I was at a party yesterday, and for the very first time since my ex, I met a guy I actually liked. That kind of liking that makes you feel like you’re in high school again.
We smiled at each other across the room and blushed as we met. Nothing came of it, and I doubt I’ll ever see him again, but I’ve spent the day feeling grateful. I survived the darkest period of my life so far, and now my heart is smiling again!
What are you going to do today to survive and flourish?
Heartbreak image via Shutterstock
About JD KM
JD loves travelling and learning. She graduated in economics but has always been fascinated by the way the human brain works, so she’s now studying psychology. She has recently discovered the power of mindfulness and gratitude, and has also discovered a newfound love for dogs after adopting her adorable puppy last year.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
It is so true JD. As you said, after a heartbreak, you don’t need to “make things worse for yourself by worrying about it. You will move on eventually.” It took me a good 4 years for me to really get over a relationship and throughout that time I struggled to make sense of everything.. and then eventually I came to see the light and have learned so much from relationships that I wrote about the lessons I’ve learned to overcome the break up blues. One lesson that have served me well is to see when a relationship ends as not a break up but as complete, that whatever ‘purpose’, that we were supposed to serve in each other’s life is complete.
I’m glad to hear that you’re better now! It doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as you get there eventually! I love your way of considering it ‘complete’ – it emphasises that we should learn from these experiences! Thank you for sharing.
JDKM
Such a soothing email . But , the thought how could she do it to me , keeps lingering around. is she happy ? all those kind of thoughts just bogs me down.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way – the phase when your mind keeps spinning in circles trying to understand why – or how she could do that is a tough one. I’d recommend that you take care of yourself, and try and take breaks from thinking about it (as much as possible) because with a little distance you’ll get new perspectives and be able to start making sense of things, and accepting them more. As for the her being happy part, I would say, hope she is, but realise it’s not your responsibility anymore – wish her well in your brain, but don’t dwell on this anymore. Hang in there, it will get better!
JDKM
very nice post. I am able to connect myself with this situation. And I am still trying my best to move forward. But its really difficult to forget everything, the yrs and time we lived or spent together.
Thank you once again for sharing this post!
Hi Upma.
I don’t think you ever really forget as the relationship was a significant aspect of your life for a long time. I don’t think the aim is forgetting either – it’s good to remember that you are able to love someone else so deeply, and all the lessons you learnt from the person and being with them. The aim is to remember while accepting that it is something of the past – and being comfortable with that notion. Make sure to take care of yourself, and with time it will hurt less and less!
JDKM
I have found it incredibly hard to move on from a lost love because there was no “closure”. We never really talked about what happened & I will always wonder about it. He’s married now so I won’t contact him. But it sure is hard to really move on……..
Its been almost two months since my X and I broke up. For two years she would randomly get all upset and treat my son and I like crap and then threaten to leave. I gave her chance after chance and when I found out she was secretly looking for another place to live I said enough. My son and I deserved better than to be emotionally abandoned over and over again. Even though I did what was right for my son and I, I feel a deep sense of loss and very alone. I’ve been fighting off the depression the best I can but its really hard
This shows that you have a heart! You know it wasn’t good for you. You’ll meet other women! There are plenty of amazing women out there! Don’t look back… look forward.
I’m trying REALLY hard to look forward. I don’t even want her back, I just wish this empty feeling inside me would subside. After being there for my son and my dog(they were innocent victims in all of this…my dog has finally stopped looking for her) I’m having trouble being there for myself. I feel a lot of guilt for their pain.
Give yourself a break, it’s only been two months! Like a fresh wound. You shouldn’t feel guilty for their pain, you didn’t hurt them. This is out of your hands. Why don’t you do nice things with them? It will be good for you and them. Do nice things for yourself as well! Things like: self-care, art, nature, etc. Things that make us feel good =)
Trust me, I have been doing lots for them.
Yourself too!
Hi Db!
I agree with Peace Within, it’s only been 2 months since a devastating shift in your life took place! This is part of the message I wanted to get across in my blog – don’t beat yourself up about not being completely healed yet! You are such a brave person, to have recognised that someone was treating you badly, took a stand against it, and are now caring for your son and dog! Appreciate this about yourself, and try to find time to start doing things that make YOU feel better – think of one thing you like about yourself every day, do some activity you enjoy. Improving yourself will also make you a better person for your son, so try to overcome the feelings of guilt (as they are unwarranted!) and by accepting the current pain while keeping positive, you will slowly start overcoming the depression and loneliness!
You did the right thing and were very brave. Things will only get better from here!
JDKM
I’m having a real hard time with this. It was 5 years ago that I got divorced after a 15 year marriage. I’m feeling like I’m just repeating the same patterns. I thought I would be stronger because of what I have been through. Truth is, I’m not and it scares me.
I think heartbreak is painful no matter how many times you experience it. Don’t dwell too much on thinking you “should” be stronger. You are clearly capable of so much love! That’s an incredible trait, but unfortunately it also leads to pain – let yourself feel the pain, accept it – then it will get easier to start moving on.
You are strong – you took a stand that will make your son’s life better – I can’t think of anything more courageous and worthy than that! Focus on learning to love yourself too instead of beating yourself up! You deserve your own love.
That’s what I’m trying to do. Learning to love myself for the first time in my life. My mother was/is abusive. So were the women in my life. I’m pretty sure my lack of self worth attracted the wrong kind of partner.
The mere fact that you feel the ’empty feeling inside’ & the ‘guilt for their pain’ shows that you are someone who values relationships & people. As difficult as it is right now, if you stayed in such a marriage, something tells me you would probably be hurting even more right now.
Indeed…you seem to understand what I was saying. Thank you.
You are most welcome… Even though I don’t have personal experience from marriage vows…I have had & continue to have my share of manipulative people in my life and how they can often make oneself feel guilty & shame with their words & actions…
http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Being-Strong.png
Thank you for sharing that piece of WISDOM! I will try to keep that in mind more often & I hope you will do the same…:). As for struggling with depression; speaking from my own personal struggles with depression & anxieties; pushing myself to have a more CONSISTENT EXERCISE ROUTINE has been one of the best decisions I made for better coping with them!
Thank you for the kind words and advice JMG. Means a lot.
Thank you for sharing your story Just hang in there…Good for you for taking the right decision for your son & yourself.
Thank you. I appreciate the support. <3
Appreciate your love for what is was and move on. Especially since he has. We don’t need closure, we need to understand. We need to grow. You never know who else is out there! Life is too short!
Thank you for your kind words & wisdom on this subject. I believe I have met someone wonderful recently & I am trying to move forward. But the past does intrude sometimes……….
Hi Sabina! I am so happy for you, that you met someone wonderful! Don’t worry too much about the past affecting your present – try to recognise the lesson when you start thinking of the past, then make an effort to move away from that and appreciate the present moment. I found that making a daily mental list of everything I was grateful for in that day helps me stay more present!
JDKM
Words of wisdom, Peace Within! Understanding and acceptance are key! Thank you for your words!
JDKM
A broken heart heals as time goes by a broken dream is forever shattered. I’ve yet stop crying ever since the break up. It’s been 4 years now. I gave up a lot for him but he cheated on me. This is a blessing as most people would thought. However, I find no reason to stop myself crying. I learned to smile in the day but I cry alone at night. I have a broken dream that cannot be talked about. My dream to have family, be a wife and be mom not longer be real when my age is approaching 40 and begin to lose interest in relationship.
Xenograma: My heart goes out to you, however you have to move on. This was beautiful article for me, I am so proud of myself of where I am at and for the first time in my life I am on my own and I don’t feel lonely. (I will be 50 years old this year) I have been suffering from co-dependency all my life and once I woke up this I started on working on the most important relationship of my life, the one with myself!
I will be celebrating my birthday this year in Thailand, I cannot express to you how excited I am. You deserve happiness in your life, pleas start with yourself!
“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
Mark Twain
teorristobehuman: I am so pound of you! The relationship with ourselves is the most important one because if we keep on expecting other people to please us, we will always be disappointed. Image if everyone would believe that they are strong enough and don’t other people to survive! World would be a better place.
“The root of suffering is attachment.” Buddha
Thanks Lolita, I have grown more in 2 years of being on my own than a 9 year marriage with a narcissistic and a 4 year relationship with a borderline personality, at the end of the day, I enable everything that happen in my life and to have boundaries for the first time, it’s quite the feeling!!!
My heart goes out to anyone going through the pain of waking up to a new reality however please know this, it will pass!!!
From gratitude. 🙂
Just to be sure…I really hope just bcz of your terrible experience with the person suffering from ‘borderline personality,’ you wouldn’t come to think that all individuals suffering from such infliction & other mental disorders are all horrible human beings.
I am forever grateful to everyone who has come into my life, they are my teachers. I do not judge anyone, all I can do in my life is to be aware of my feelings and actions towards myself and others.
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss
That’s great to hear & thank you for sharing your inspiring story… Make the most out of your trip in Thailand…its one of the most BEAUTIFUL places to travel to…if you get a chance, let us know how the trip went! 🙂
The only person in your way is you. What does your age have to do with anything? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Love yourself!
tell me one person who has never cheated after making a commitment to something or not seeing it through or who has never made a mistake. our society put too much emphasis on the drama of relationships. the urge procreate is tremendous.and that is an understatement the sex drive is what as let us to survive. without it it would be no life. Someone lying about sex with another or simply caught doing it makes them no less a person. Explaining is not excusing here. A lie is a lie. You and I have lied. Stolen. Cheated at something. And expecting that the sex drive is now removed because of a lifetime COMMITMENT that is ridiculous in itself, job interviews ask you where you see yourself in 5yrs….ever have a prediction that was accurate? Learn to forgive Others. And more important. Forgive yourself for unrealistic. Expectations
Everyone has given you great advice! I particularly agree with Peace Within who says that the only person in your way is you! Loneliness is insufferable, but you are the only one who can make yourself feel better – looking to others to fill the gap is not a long term solution. Don’t give up hope – try and look out for the small positive things around you, and they will keep getting larger with time!
JDKM
Thank you so much for this, JD. Reading this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I just ended a relationship with someone I care deeply about, and it’s been the hardest break up I’ve ever gone through…I’m still in shock it’s over. In many ways, I felt like I ran away out of fear, which is a hard reality to swallow. I’m just trying to feel all my feelings now…let them come through. I feel grateful at times that I can feel anything…and that I actually had something to lose. Letting go is emotionally and physically hard. All I want to do is see him…talk to him, and I can’t. I know this is a time to grow and learn….Thanks so much again.
Step 1- the introspection/reflection stage – “I felt like I ran away out of fear”
Step 2- the self-awareness stage – “feel all of my feelings”, “grateful …had something to lose”
Step 3- the learning stage – “time to grow and learn”
You’re going in the right direction! For the times you want to “see him, talk to him”, remember that this time is yours to redefine yourself, to ask yourself why you exited the relationship, that is, what are those fears? where are they rooted? and fast forward to step 3, what can you do to overcome those fears?
One of the hardest things I ever had to do was leave a relationship out of fear. Fear of failure, I thought. But didn’t I fail by default?
Fear will always be present. We fear what we do not know. But what if we knew ourselves? What if we told ourselves, I do not know what will happen, but I KNOW myself, and I KNOW I have what it takes to move forward. Maybe it won’t be at the pace you want to go at, but know that you will move forward – just like you have before. And if you don’t know that about yourself, then you did the right thing to find yourself again.
CCJC: Thank you!!! That is so helpful to hear! 🙂
Oh CaitCat, CCJC is so right, you are definitely on the right track. In the early stages, it feels unnatural to go through days and not talk to someone who previously had such a massive place in your life. But if you stay strong eventually there will come a day when you realise you didn’t think about him at all – and it all moves forward from there! I can’t emphasise enough how important it was for me to let myself feel the pain rather than run away from it (as I was so used to doing before), and I am sure you will benefit from this greatly as well. Take the pain in your stride and with time it will make you so much stronger! Well done on handling this so maturely! You will undoubtedly grow from this and find happiness again!
JDKM
It hurts because we basically put our heart in the other persons hands. We don’t expect for them to hand it back to us broken. This is a part of life though. This is a part of growth. As we heal, we become stronger. We find ourselves. We LOVE ourselves. If we know deep down inside that breaking up is the best thing for us, isn’t it a blessing? This means that we can find someone else that vibes with us better, understands us better. In some cases it can mean we can have a healthy relationship. I’m saying it’s how we want to see it and what we take from it. All about our perception.
Also, I know a lot of women who leave one relationship and jump into another. They point out all of the flaws the man had. They don’t take the time to reflect on themselves. It’s easy to point out the next persons flaws very hard to look at yourself and see your shortcomings. This is the only way to change into a better person though.
After I moved on, I began to heal. Of course it took a long time, it’s only natural. Being alone has been amazing for me. I am not lonely, I am alone. I do not rely on any man to make me happy, I make myself happy. I will not settle for a mediocre relationship. I am not dependent on anyone. If I happen to meet someone who blows my mind, I will go for it. I’m still living, I am not stuck. Life is too short for that. Love yourself people! <3
This is all such great advice Peace Within! Couldn’t have said any of it better myself! I especially agree with what you said about getting stronger as we heal! Thank you for sharing!
JDKM
Thanks! =)
🌳🧡 Thanks so much, Peace Within 🧡🌳
This article was great. I am about 6 months away from our break-up after 7 years. We have a son together, so no contact is a really difficult thing to do since he still sees his son and we have to interact for the sake of co-parenting. It’s even more difficult since he was my best friend. I still find it hard to not just text him about all the small things throughout my day. To make it even harder he quickly moved on and moved his new gf and her daughter into the house we made a home for 5 years just 5 days after we moved out. I suspect they cheated before the break-up, but I have to witness him living this life while I am still sad and broken over the lose of my family. Every day is a struggle. I feel like a zombie at times, like I am just walking around with a mask on hiding how deeply hurt and sad I am. I have a son that I have to raise and i love more than life. I have a job that i have to function at. I am in school. And each day I get up and make myself put on a face and a smile. I know eventually the smile will be more and more real. But right now I am hurt. I miss him everyday. I miss our family everyday. I miss what could have been. And what i felt should have been. In the end it will be for the best. Not everything in our relationship was great. And I will accept it and move on. Slowly. The crying still happens. The pain i feel in my heart will subside. I will find my happiness again. I even made plans with a girlfriend last night when I normally would have isolated myself in my apartment like i have for the last 6 months. I wish people lived up to the expectations we have for them. To treat others how they want to be treated. To love and not hurt.
I’m sorry for your pain. I’m right where you are at. Putting on the smile for work and my son and trying to do EVERYTHING while secretly dying inside. You are not alone.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! Like I said in an earlier comment, my ex and I did not have children, so I won’t act like I know exactly how you’re feeling. However, I’d still like to share some thoughts with you.
First of all, well done on making plans with a friend – that is such a huge step forward! You are very brave! I am also glad that you see that the pain will subside and that you will find happiness! These are incredible steps! You should be very proud of yourself!
Being in a relationship with your best friend makes the relationship great, but it hurts that much more when its over. My ex and I were friends for years before we got together and he was the best friend I’ve ever had. Especially after building a family with the person, the break-up is a loss of a future. Although it’s not the ideal outcome right now, try and look forward to the possibilities this new, unplanned future holds!
Life would be so much easier if people really treated others as they wished to be treated, but unfortunately we have to face the reality that this is not the case. I came across a quote that put a lot of things into perspective for me – (i don’t remember it perfectly, but it something on the lines of,) to expect someone to treat you fairly because you treated them well is like expecting a lion not eat you because you didn’t eat it. It’s a little funny but I found the message to be quite powerful!
Finally – although having a child makes the situation so much more complicated, and moving on harder, maybe whenever you struggle to communicate with his father, you can remind yourself that no matter how much it hurts, it’s that relationship that gave you your son, so despite how it ended, it definitely served a great purpose.
Stay strong and keep pushing yourself forward. You will find happiness again.
JDKM
Thank you for this heartfelt, mindful, compassionate piece.
I find strength in it for so many friends of mine who are here,
At this present life change. Your light salutes hope …. Nicole
I’m so glad you enjoyed reading it! Thank you for reaching out, it means so much to me that people, like yourself, have taken the time to read it and share their view!
JDKM
Wow – what a journey! I am happy that you went through this and learned about yourself. Without pain you won’t recognize happiness. Heartbreak I think it is associated with survival. I think we think we depend on other people because since we were babies we couldn’t take care of ourselves. But then you grew up and can take care of ourselves, but don’t know we can do that. We need to trust ourselves that better days are ahead and all experience just showing us how would that feel. I think that after such a journey there will be a day when you see true happiness in your life, and you will recognize it, because now you know what loss and pain is. I know great things ahead for you! Thank you for sharing such a great article!
Thank you so much for your feedback and encouraging words!
JDKM
People talk about heartbreak like it’s something to “get over”, like one gets over an illness. Over 2 years out from being dumped from a 25-year relationship, I’ve realized it’s more like an amputation. With time I may adapt, but that part of me will always be missing.
Hi Hookchick! I’m sorry you’re struggling, 25 years is a long time! Your view about a break-up being like an amputation is very strong, but also remarkably true. When you break-up with someone, you don’t just lose the person, you lose dreams, plans, a future, and unfortunately, part of yourself too. However, I do believe that there is so much to life and living that losing parts of ourselves does not make us any less whole, not in the long run anyway. Adaptation is important – and although accepting life without the other person in it might feel like settling at the moment, if you keep working on yourself and keep positive, then with time you will find that the part that was missing is still gone, but has been replaced with so many other great things that it doesn’t matter anymore. I wish you strength and healing – hang in there!
JDKM
This article really helped me put my feelings I couldn’t into perspective. We ended things after 6 years and we had been engaged and living together the last year and half. I feel like everything reminds me of him, even my job and I’ve had to move back home to Kent. Most of our friends have taken his side so even friends I’ve lost has made me feel like I am starting again. It’s been hard and I feel so lost but I know ultimately the last year we haven’t been happy. I’ve learnt that when we break up we have such a rose tinted view of the relationship instead of a realistic one. For us it was seeing that we argued at most occasions, my birthday I cried, our anniversary I cried etc etc. I wanted to end things in January but he kept saying no then he decided that he wanted to end things and that was it.. It had to be on his terms and it made me see him in a whole new light. He made me leave our place and cut me off from all our friends and when I needed him for support in the last month after the break up due to losing my dad he just refused. I couldn’t believe this man who I thought I had my life with could be this heartless. I trusted him and thought he was someone he wasn’t. It is killing me and I wake up with that emptiness every day however I am starting to see that I had a lucky escape and I am thankful this happened before we got married had children etc. It doesn’t make it easier but I am hoping in time I will realise I am happier and better off without him but it doesn’t make it any easier seeing someone in a whole new light 🙁
Sais, thank you for sharing your experience. I can see the pain you are going through – it sounds like it’s been a very difficult time. However, I can also sense your strength and the fact that you are thinking very rationally about the break-up – these two aspects make me sure that you will heal and come out of this stronger than before.
I agree with you about our rose-tinted view of relationships when we were in them. Part of what you said also reminded me of my situation, because toward the end, I used to end up crying on occasions when I should have been happy too (like my birthday and new year’s eve). Also, it seemed that whenever I wanted to end things he wouldn’t hear of it, but when he decided it couldn’t work, that was that. It is extremely hard to face facts and realise that the person you put on a pedestal for so long is not the same person you believed he was. Unfortunately it is very painful, but with time and as you get used to this fact more, it will effect you less.
Finally, I remember how everything reminded me of him at first – I couldn’t even have a cup of coffee without associating something with him. What I found to be extremely helpful was to push myself to do as many things that I had done with him as possible. For example, something we had really enjoyed doing together was taking part in this treasure hunt – when the next one was advertised the month after we broke up it made me miserable – but I made it a point to ask friends to join a team with me and I took part in the treasure hunt again. I must say it was a very painful experience – but from thereon, I no longer associated the treasure hunt with memories of him! I did this for many things, and it was very effective. Maybe you could give it a try!
Talk to people when you feel you need to and know you did the right thing. You deserve to be happy, and you will be again with time!
JDKM
Thank you JDKM, that’s a really good idea, I hate memories they kill anything of happiness you once had. I think I need to remind myself of my self worth because I’m worth more than a man who can treat me like this. I hope you’re coping better now and thanks so much for your kind words and advice. I gain so much comfort knowing someone out there cares. It means so much to me xx
Let’s hope happiness is right around the corner! X x
Oh DJ, thank you for your honest article. I know there is nothing worse than having that sick feeling in your stomach day in and day out. You feel the world has ended and you don’t want to get out of bed. Especially when they say, “no it is not you, it is me. I just don’t want a relationship right now” …but end up back in their ex’s arms days later. Nothing worse than feeling like ‘rebound girl’. I found for me keeping myself busy and joining classes and meeting new people helped me so much. Sure, I would sit on the sofa with a tub of ice cream but not for long. I am lucky to have an amazing network of close friends and family who are my rock! Finding your self-worth and love for yourself is so important. After all, in the end all you have is yourself.
Wow! Love the quote! Thank you
Thank you, Peace Within. I am finding your responses to people in need on here inspirational too! Peace and Love!
Thanks! <3
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Amazing quotes – very true! I’m glad you stayed strong and reached out to your friends and family! Stay positive!
JDKM
My problem is that my ex and I have a child together and I have to see her weekly and communicate with her via email, texts and phone calls to arrange visitation and I can’t even stand to write her name on the child support check because it only brings back a vision of her and all she has done. This makes it very hard to move on. She left me for her lover whom she cheated on me with and moved in with him straight from our home. He is a very successful, handsome, healthy man whereas I’m none of those things. She now looks down on me with contempt. I have to live with this until our child turns 18….13 more years. I have made much progress through meditation and reading, learning and practicing the Buddhist Path but its been slow and difficult and except for my health, its is the only real painful issue I have. Still, it is a good article and I appreciate it. I won’t give up though….nothing else has helped like practicing the Dhamma.
I hear you. I’ve been a single Dad for 5 years now and I still can’t stand to see her face. When I come to get my son I turn my face to the side and can’t even look at her.
Hi Mike. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I did not have children with my ex, so I will not pretend like I can fully understand what you’re feeling. However, my advice will be to focus on yourself as much as you possibly can, because the more you love yourself and your own life, the less anyone else can effect you. It seems like you are already on this path with the meditation, reading, etc. so stay strong!
JDKM
Thank you for sharing your story .It is not easy to make a new path ,walk on it and accept life as it moves into different direction but it has more beautiful days if we forget the past and keep it just a memory .
No, it is not easy unfortunately. But the best things in life tend to come with challenges that help us grow!
I hope it starts to get a little easier for you soon!
JDKM
I’m still broken – though with some of the pieces glued together in a rough facsimile of a heart – 25 years later.
Could you try and work on yourself more? I obviously don’t know your experience, but all I can say is that it is never too late to change your perspective and embark on a healing journey! Hopeful wishes!
JDKM
I’m going through a break up. I’m 25 and she is 36. We met about four months ago through a good friend. It’s his sister so I’ve known the family for quite some time now. She has 3 children and has been divorceds for (now the truth came out) less than a year. At first she told me it was more than two years. So, we spent the night together one night and she was very pushy on the sexual part but no sex. I thought it was very fast. Later on, a few weeks pass, and I tell her she(and we) are moving too fast. She agreed but wanted to keep on going. Those were her words. We began making love and were connected. We both are the same religion. And I finally felt like I had met the one. I still do. But, about a month ago we decided to break it off and just be friends because she is living with her parents and they are OVER OVER protective of her and her kids. I understand that. I get it. But, her father is a Pastor, the typical Baptist type, and he told her that he didn’t want us to be emotionally attatched. She respects her parents more than anything in the world. So it’s a roller coaster. One day we talk about the future and possibilities. The next day she ignoring me, won’t answer her phone, calls me starts an intellectual convo about our relationship then suddenly has to go because she doesn’t want her family or anyone to know we are talking. We became friends to simmer down her family and friends, church etc. But now today she calls and tells me don’t let me hold you down. Go on a date if you fin someone. But, yesterday we were cuddling and kissing, I bought her roses and chocolate. Now, it’s a roller-coaster. Her father said the Holy Spirit told him that God didn’t want us together. Her parents are strict on the age thing. I don’t think it matters. I am in love with her. I’ve been with many woman and she is diferent. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like l;ife is pointless without her. I know I can’t have her whole life. She has her parents top deal with and she has kids. I don’t mind them. I’m meeting with her father Monday to talk. I’m scared, sad, uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy anything, I stay thankful(always), I can’t handle these things and her texting me and calling me never makes me feel any better. I rarely get to see her except weekdays and I don’t have much time after work. She keeps bringing up she doesn’t thi9nkk her parents would ever approve us getting married because we are ten years apart but I think her parents should let her do what makes her happy. She is 36! What should I do? I need help. Please. It seems she always has to be in control of where our relationship is. I’ve been sooo patient and gentle. I don’t ever want to loose it. ADVICE ADVICE. I know this was long but someone please and thank you for listening.
Hello there. I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I must be honest and say I have not gone through something very similar, so I can’t tell you what’s best. However, what I have found to be helpful in confusing situations like this is to take some space – as a bit of distance clears your vision significantly. Maybe you can ask for a few days of no communication – not in a fighting or mean way! You could spend this time determining what it is you want from this relationship, and how you could realistically accomplish that. You sound (understandably!) emotional at the moment, so a little space could help you think of things more objectively and also determine whether the challenges this relationship brings are worth it (no implications here, simply a thing to consider). I hope this helps, but do reach out to people – especially in the forum on Tiny Buddha as I am sure you will find more people who have been through the same thing and can offer greater wisdom!
JDKM
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. We talked last night and I put her in place. Easing her mind of bleieving and listening to what EVERYONE tells her and expects of her. That she has nothing to prove to anyone. We also agreed to be friends but between us personally we are together. Which is how it should be coming from her Christian home and such. You don’t just come over with a guy one day and say hey he’s new to the family. I have to use time to prove myself to her father and children. I can tough it out with not talking all the time and I can trust her. We are both under the understanding that is we even think about talking to someone else we immediately tell the other person. Which won’t hurt so much because we are just friends with casual activities occasionally. I mean OCCASIONALLY. What you said is perfect JDKM . Thank you very much and you are loved.
dude I’m on PlayStation 4 also. honeybuns1370. I’m on Twitter. you must go to youtube and watch some of the videos they have on men going their own way.if you’re brave and smart watch the video she will never love you
I sent you a request
I’m on DESTINY. Its about 8 45pm ca
I talked to her dad yesterday and he basically said Hey we can’t ever see each other again or talk. He called me an immature Christian, my Christian past was demonic, relationships never work with people our age, he kicked me out of your church and told me to buy a bible, that the visions of me playing guitar were demonic and he will never approve of us being friends.
I copied the text I sent her
Foosball is the devil. Well I guess you got your answer. Sorry I missed you man. We didn’t connect the other night and then I got suddenly ill. been bed for 2 days. Dude that family is sick. And the whole thing with his daughter, she’s in her 30s right? All those back and forth hot and cold stuff is her way of testing you to see how you react. I’m speaking from personal experience. I could be absolutely wrong. I was attracted to my ex and her familty because I only had a mom. And surely an intact family was healthy. I was wrong. I went to prison after my ex got done with me. Its a long story. I ‘ve got no problems with denial or reason to tell you a lie. However , I was not guilty and my ex, sister in law, father in law all wrote horrible things about me to courts got retraining orders and had me on the ropes until I lost everything, and people attracted to psychological women like you and I (I’m assuming you’re the ok close to normal one) that accept bizarre behavior will eventually implode. MGTOW. Get on YouTube and watch anything you feel fits your situation. I’m just trying to inform men about relationships with women never benefit men. Don’t do anything. Until you at least spend 10min and watch” she will never love you”
Dude I totally feel you and I know where your coming from. Even Paul in the New Testament says it’s better not to get married because it distracts you from doing what the Lord wants you to do. But I will say relationships aren’t bad. Women aren’t bad. It’s two diff people making things work. I failed to realize the vail over my eyes with her and your right she most likely was testing me. When I got back agter the talk and told her everything she said see now you know what I’m dealing with. But besides that, I met an extremely awesome woman today randomly that gave me her number and I think she’s interested in getting to knows. We are sensitive beings and if your going through something that is always hurting you like what I just went through, that isn’t love. I was wrong for even thinking it would work. But yeah if it weren’t for woman we wouldn’t have many guardrail a and would always end up in prison lol. Not really but I’ve had my fair share of doing time and such. It’s weird when your free it doesn’t take long to be calmer able to this world and its desires it seems for me anyway.
Last time. My last warning cuz now you sound delusional to me In your response just now. Have you watched the matrix? You know the whole blue pill Vs Red Pill analogy? I took the red pill. It sounds like you are going to take the blue. And that’s cool. I’m offering you some insight with no ulterior motive. I’m a womanizer and I loved to please. Its a powerful drug the sex drive. Don’t tell me. I know. MGTOW it’s men’s empowerment and it’s time that we start standing up and not putting women in control of us. You have worth. But take a poll if you would like. If you and a completely unknown female were trapped in a burning building who do you think society WILL choose to save. 100% of the time? Good luck. And pass on the MGTOW
Yo! I broke it off completely with that chick. I feel free!! Also like shit but I shall get laid again! But I just don’t know when. . . I decided to split when she said she didn’t believe in the Holy Spirit like it was in the original apostles day and I do. So that’s it. We would have argued about that our whole lives. How are you?
I’m going through a break up. I’m 25 and she is 36. We met about four months ago through a good friend. It’s his sister so I’ve known the family for quite some time now. She has 3 children and has been divorceds for (now the truth came out) less than a year. At first she told me it was more than two years. So, we spent the night together one night and she was very pushy on the sexual part but no sex. I thought it was very fast. Later on, a few weeks pass, and I tell her she(and we) are moving too fast. She agreed but wanted to keep on going. Those were her words. We began making love and were connected. We both are the same religion. And I finally felt like I had met the one. I still do. But, about a month ago we decided to break it off and just be friends because she is living with her parents and they are OVER OVER protective of her and her kids. I understand that. I get it. But, her father is a Pastor, the typical Baptist type, and he told her that he didn’t want us to be emotionally attatched. She respects her parents more than anything in the world. So it’s a roller coaster. One day we talk about the future and possibilities. The next day she ignoring me, won’t answer her phone, calls me starts an intellectual convo about our relationship then suddenly has to go because she doesn’t want her family or anyone to know we are talking. We became friends to simmer down her family and friends, church etc. But now today she calls and tells me don’t let me hold you down. Go on a date if you fin someone. But, yesterday we were cuddling and kissing, I bought her roses and chocolate. Now, it’s a roller-coaster. Her father said the Holy Spirit told him that God didn’t want us together. Her parents are strict on the age thing. I don’t think it matters. I am in love with her. I’ve been with many woman and she is diferent. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like l;ife is pointless without her. I know I can’t have her whole life. She has her parents top deal with and she has kids. I don’t mind them. I’m meeting with her father Monday to talk. I’m scared, sad, uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy anything, I stay thankful(always), I can’t handle these things and her texting me and calling me never makes me feel any better. I rarely get to see her except weekdays and I don’t have much time after work. She keeps bringing up she doesn’t thi9nkk her parents would ever approve us getting married because we are ten years apart but I think her parents should let her do what makes her happy. She is 36! What should I do? I need help. Please. It seems she always has to be in control of where our relationship is. I’ve been sooo patient and gentle. I don’t ever want to loose it. ADVICE ADVICE. I know this was long but someone please and thank you for listening.
II think there’s something in the Bible that says and I could be wrong so please forgive me if I am but it says something about a woman divorcing her parents before she was able to marry a man. I was married to a complete psychopath and I’m not putting it lightly and her family was involved before the entire time do not believe that because someone is a pastor or simply religious that they are good people I have found the worst in those types of people but if you do one thing and one thing only go to youtube and look under the search men going their own way men going their own wayplease I’m asking you I’m almost begging you
Oh I know! I know! And I know her family too. They aren’t perfect little angels
Hi Chance! I totally understand where you are coming from. I will give you my honest advice. I think that you should keep your options open, you are so young! She sounds like she is confused, leading you on but than telling you to date if you find someone else. That’s not fair because you have emotions! Also, she’s 36 years old, she has been an adult for a very long time. Why are her parents involved in her life to that extent? It’s okay for parents to look out, but they are doing a lot more than looking out. Also, you mentioned that she always has to be in control of your relationship. Those are unhealthy signs. Make sure before you get into any type of relationship you are whole. Love yourself. Meet more people. Keep your options open. You sound like a very sweet soul. Take care and good luck!
Thanks. i spoke with her dad last nightand hes is a prick bigot, themost non christian person i think ive ever met. i dont feel like saying all she he said to me but he kicked me out of the church and told me i couldnt go near her or contact her at ll. It’s very strange. I toldher he is abusing her. That that is abuse but she just bends over backwards for him. dont get it but I broke it off last night. I’m hving a hard time. Im praying I heal quickly because it is affecting my job and familyrelationships already. I’m so sad. then angry, then dossonant, depressed, hen happy. You know. BLAH. I hate ittttt
Glad you are okay. It takes time to heal! Do some nice things for yourself. Do stuff to keep your mind occupied. Take care of YOU! That’s the key. No one can take care of you as well as you can. =)
She referred me to a bank today just so she could talk to me. It hasn’t even been a day.
Distance from the person gives us clarity.
Hey, sorry for not posting sooner. I see you asked for my help via the other forum. 🙂 So, you have made the decision to end, so I would now suggest to cut all contact and stick to it. Even if it means a social media detox. I am talking the likes of Facebook (dangerous, negative drain sometimes), numbers, mail. Yes, it will be hard but once cut off you will feel better! You need to focus on YOU and what YOU LOVE to do and what makes YOU HAPPY. I found going out with friends and family. Even getting a new hobby or doing a course (on a topic you love of course) to FOCUS on YOU! You know, I find kick boxing is a great stress reliever for me! 🙂 Hope I can help you in some way? I know it is cliche but time really is a great healer! 🙂
Lol yeah I actually started doing yoga. I don’t do any social media. No Facebook Google Twitter the only thing I use is meditation apps. I’m going to take some school courses too. I’m really excited. The only thing is work. It’s hard enough I don’t care for the trade itself but having to devote 80% of my life to it sucks. It pays better than a typical job but dang I just don’t like it.
All sounds amazing! I guess you know what to focus on then. Turning that 80% of time you hate into your passion. 🙂 Don’t do what society and the the people around you tell you to do. Even people close to you who think they are protecting you. Easy job, good money are not factors… Do what you love and what you are passionate about! Then you will find you inner peace and most of all, yourself!
Thank you. Sorry I haven’t logged into discuss in a bit. I finally broke it off yesterday because she doesn’t believe in the Holy Spirit like it was around when the original disciples were around but I strongly do. I blocked her calls and I have deleted all my social media crap a while back. I have a g+ but I never use it. Just ways people and the govt. can track you down if they wanted to. Also I posted something that happened over the past couple days in the embarrassing moments blog. When it rains it pours! I got to just keep on truckin I guess. Thanks sincerely. You gave me the same advice as my siste. Only nicer and with out saying bitch mother fucker of fuck her chance lol.
Oh! I did start Yoga! It’s awesome!
Did you get my message? Idknif it posted or it sent a private message or what. I well. Thank you for your advice. Seriously. It’s all over as of last night. Feel free/like shit used and dumped. But recovering. It’s affecting my work life that’s not good.
I admire you for being religious, it should make it easier for you to handle a heartbreak and overcome loneliness. I’m an atheist and I really feel completely alone. My gf doesnt want a relationship and I got no real friends to talk to about it. Im also 25… And deeply depressed.
Yeh that’s what I’m saying. I asked he brother if sh was maybe mentally challenged as nice as possible but he never replied. Hope j didn’t piss him off lol
Also it’s over as of yesterday. I feel good but bad also. Work and dealing with this bs I’ve just had enough. Glad it’s the weekend. But not glad to go into work Monday to get wrote up over a bs mistake 🙁
Thank you so much for this. My engagement ended 10 months ago when he walked out. I had fallen in love for the first time (at age 50) when I met him and I looked forward to spending the rest of our lives together. Now, I face the future alone but I am beginning to see the signs of strength and recovery. Finally. You spoke to my heart.
Thank you for reaching out! Signs of strength and recovery mean you’re on the right track to being happy and finding love within yourself!
JDKM
I love when you talk about having to quit talking to him on a constant basis. I think it is such a trap when you have someone as a constant part of your life when you aren’t 100% emotionally healed. Just from observing some friends, I feel like you miss the opportunity to be with someone else often, because you are still invested in the relationship even while “broken-up”. Congrats on getting through that tough time. I imagine this positive path you have created for yourself will eventually lead you to someone amazing.
Thank you for the kind words Erica! Yes, cutting contact is a hard but crucial step! Warm wishes.
JDKM
JD, “there’s nothing you can do but give the wound time to heal” The most beautiful and real part of life is this. There are many things that we can’t do anything except accepting them totally. The moment we try to change them, that is when they start hurting.
Your article is a great assistance to thousands of people.
Yes, I’ve come to learn the hard way that acceptance is one of the most important traits we can develop in ourselves. Thank you for your kind feedback!
JDKM
What are your views on someone / somebody who is really confused about what to do in life, though s/he has found what s/he wants, but they do not have support for doing that. Also, there is no proper exposure for his / her passion.
In this case, should one still follow his / her passion or go behind money and love that instead doing what one loves?
I really appreciated this article. For me a my relationship ended because she just was not attracted to me sexually. We have so many other deep connections: emotionally, intellectually, creatively and what have you. We have both been able to identify with each other because we have both survived extremely tragic/traumatic situations. We want to continue to try to be extremely close friends. The other day, she mentioned to me that she has a date and it just floored me. I am working so hard to move past that though and be happy for her even though I know that I love her so much. Such a tight rope to walk.
Thank you for this article, I can relate to it so much. Sometimes I still get myself down – I lost the love of my life and then all over again by losing his as a friend months later. I miss him terribly at times but keep reminding myself that holding on will hold myself back and I’d never truly be happy if we’d stayed to higher despite the amazing times and years we had.
I need help and advice please. She has been sexting me for months telling me I was perfect and that she wanted to marry me and have my kids. She’s only 19 and I’m 25 but she made me fall in love so bad. When I finally moved to her city she started acting weird like another person. Finally we made love but it was also weird. After that she told me she wants me but she cant handle a relationship. Now we dont even see each other but she keeps sending me love texts on whatsapp. My heart is broken into million pieces. She even told me to find another girl because I deserve better. She is very contradicting. I dont know what to do, I cant live like this and I’m a love freak but I never had luck in love. I spent 4 years in therapy because of my depression but all the hard work seems like was meaningless. Im completely alone and lonely and its eating me. Im having suicidal thoughts again even though I wouldnt do it. I cry every day. I wanna scream. I wanna die. Am I overreacting, should I give her more time to figure out what she wants? Should I just block her and never talk to her again? I love her but right now I’m hating her so much. I’m a complete mess. This article is good but I dont know how to handle the time I need to heal my wounds. I want a remedy now, I cant allow months to pass because I start my studies in a week. Someone please talk to me.
I love everything about this article. This is exactly what I need to do at the present time.. Im having terrible time letting go.. I love him though most of the time im hurt, im in pain.. Like what mentioned on this article, same with other comments.. I find myself crying during special occasions.. just like my Birthday.. and like everyday, I just cry out loud until it seems that crying myself to death is normal for him.. How can someone you love so much hurt you like this.. I don’t know if I should keep on holding on or I must let it all go.. Im lost, im confused and I love him but I cant cry forever..
Thank you for your article…I am crying as I write this because everything you wrote feels like everything I’ve been experiencing. I’m grateful for the reminder to take it slow and be gentle with myself. I am filled with refreshed gratitude and hope. Thank you.
I find that the yearning for lost Love is always there for me. Here’s something I wrote about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx_omsGmbgU
Hmmm is there anyway to know when it’s not time to push yourself move on and go out there and when it actually is? I always make a hurtful mistake when deciding that, and it worries me when it affects the course of running emotions, I end up blocking pain or just not letting go 🙁
If you are feeling pain and crying, your heart is not broken. There is a place beyond pain that is real heartbreak.
The rest you said is ok, which surprises me. So, gj.
Enjoy every bit of the heartbreak, come to terms with the effect that one person had on you; you will be over it in no time. But I am keen on preventing future heartbreak and one way is detachment. Thebeekeeper is a hacker and a private investigator, you can only locate him on telegram. Get to know who your friend, lover or business partner is, don’t get caught off guard next time. Don’t forget, it’s important you enjoy our you feel when you are most heartbroken.
Yesterday I went through a heartbreak, I had a crush that my best friend doesn’t know about and my best friend said my crush texted her one day and told her he liked her, I was really hurt but pretended to be happy for her, btw she already have a boyfriend, she also told me that she already had like 5 boys say they like her, my mum went to work so she came back late, and when I was at home by myself, i wanted to cry but i couldn’t, i didn’t know why because I was really really sad and upset, and at night I told my mum and she said, if he doesn’t like you then you dont have to cry and get upset over a person who wont be in your life, and I just thought about it and I said in my brain I thought im going put him down, and get over him, and suddenly a feeling traveled from my brain to me heart, seriously, it was a weird feeling, and there were suddenly tears coming to my eyes, and I started to cry, it was then that I realized that when you actually want to put him down, you can and it will make you feel so free and that was how I felt, the ext day at school, I didn’t care if he likes me or not, I just went on living, otherwise Im always worrying if he sees the weird side of me and won’t like me. This is my story, it is really magical to me, and I hope whoever is going through a heartbreak right now can see this and take my mums advice, if that person doesn’t like you, then they are not meant to be in your life so don’t weep over people who doesn’t care about you 🙂
I am currently in the midst of the worst breakup I’ve ever experienced. I lost my mum really suddenly to a quite traumatic suicide during our relationship and I think that’s why I’ve found it more so difficult to let go of them as they were such a massive part of that process. When my mum was alive he was my distraction from the struggles with her mental health and when she died he was my distraction from the heartache of losing her. Its been a four month breakup which has almost led to us reigniting things and then he pulled away again Making me feel (And act at times) like I was going insane. Now I’m left feeling rejected and empty and pathetic. I just want to be over them but it feels like a lifetime away. I didn’t ever imagine him not being in my life and it’s just so difficult for me to even picture this. It’s gut wrenching feeling like the other person no longer has any care or consideration for your hurt or even any time for you anymore. That stage where you’re made to feel like you are a pest, desperately seeking closure or a sign that maybe it isn’t done and dusted. I hope I can move past this and feel full of life again soon.