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Dealing with Loss and Grief: Be Good to Yourself While You Heal

Red Sunset

“To be happy with yourself, you’ve got to lose yourself now and then.” ~Bob Genovesi

At a holiday party last December, I ran into a friend from college who I hadn’t seen in twenty years.

“What’s going on with you? You look great!”

“Oh, well… My mother passed away and my husband and I divorced.”

“Oh Jeez! I’m so sorry,” he said. “That’s a lot! So, why do you look so great?”

Perhaps it wasn’t the greatest party conversation, but I did with it smile.

“It was the hardest year of my life, but I’m getting through it and that makes me feel good.”

Sure, what he didn’t know was that I had spent many weeks with the blinds closed. I cried my way through back-to-back TV episodes on Netflix.

I knitted three sweaters, two scarves, a winter hat, and a sweater coat.

I had too many glasses of wine as I danced around in my living room to pop music, pretending I was still young enough to go to clubs.

And at times it was hard to eat, but damn if I didn’t look good in those new retail-therapy skinny jeans.

Another friend of mine lost his father last spring. When he returned from the East Coast, I knew he would be in shock at re-entry. I invited him over for a bowl of Italian lentil and sausage soup.

As we ate in my kitchen nook, he spoke of the pain of the loss of his father, and even the anger at his friends who, in social situations, avoided talking to him directly about his loss.

Looking down at my soup, I said, “Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”

Grief is one of those emotions that have a life of their own. It carries every feeling within it and sometimes there’s no way to discern it.

One of the greatest teachings in Buddhism is the lesson of impermanence—that everything that comes into being will go out of being.

But impermanence is just a concept until you face the ugly beast straight into his beating, bulging red eyes.

These are the things that helped me get through such a trying time:

1. Self-care, self-care, self-care. (Oh, and did I say self-care?)

The shock of loss to all of our bodies—emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual—is superb. When we wake in the morning, we question the very nature of who we are. Upon awakening there is a split second when everything is okay in our world.

And then we remember. The storm clouds cover our head again.

Our bodies need to be fed during this time, in order to handle such trauma. Self-care is personal, but I did the things I knew my body wanted:

Lots of baths, fresh pressed organic juices, sticking to a daily structure, such as meditating in the morning, exercising, journaling, reading inspiring books, talking with friends, getting out in sunshine, taking walks, admitting my weakness, and learning to nurture myself.

These were the base things that I knew I needed.

2. Accept there’s a lot you don’t know.

When the pain of loss happens, it’s like a lighting bolt comes and shakes the foundation of the ground. We question everything—our identity, who we are, where we come from, and where we’re going. There is power in surrendering to the unknown.

In coming to accept that we no longer have control over what happens to us, we realize that what we once knew we no longer can know. In fact, much of the spiritual experience is coming to realize all that we are not, and less about what we think we are or what we know.

Here, there is great freedom. And it helps us to meet life’s adversity with courage, head-on.

3. Allow time and space.

I learned once in a counseling psychology class that it takes two years to grieve the loss of a loved one. In human time, that seems like an eternity. There are stages. And each stage brings a remembrance, especially once you start hitting the “year marks.”

During the last year, each “mark” felt like Valentine’s Day without a lover. “Oh, this is the day I knew my marriage was over,” “Oh, this is the day my mother died,” “Oh, this was the last holiday we spent together…”

Recognizing that grief needs time and allowing space for the grief process to unfold gave me permission to hold that great bowl.

4. Accept that sometimes you have a bad day for no apparent reason.

Months, even over a year in I would have a day (or several) where it felt like there was no reason at all to feel in the dumps. I wanted to refuse to let it get to me. “Stay productive, keep it going; at least, that’s what your mother would want.”

But on those days, I just held up at home. Watched The Real Housewives on Bravo if I needed. Read People magazine. Saw a chick flick. Ordered a pizza with mushrooms and olives and ate it all.

I came to learn that grief pressures you to go within. I told my friends, “Bad day. Can’t talk. That’s all.”

I didn’t try to force it to be something different.

5. Allow light in the middle of it all.

Although there were many weeks of despair that seemed to bleed together, like a faded diary dropped in a hot bath, there were days in between when I experienced joy.

A fun lunch out with a friend, New Years out with my brother, a no-reason-to-be-happy-day when I felt vibrant and creative. Or like at that holiday party, which I didn’t really want to go to, but I put on make-up and blow dried my hair and ran into an old college friend.

Embrace those days and don’t feel guilty. Life is to be lived, because one day—and we all know the adage—we will die.

6. Accept that this too shall pass.

Like everything else, all suffering will go, until one day it comes again.

The greatest thing about death is that it helps us grow up. It matures us. It brings wisdom. It strengthens our bones. It teaches us to let go.

We learn we can go through hard times, and with little effort the sun shines again. We can take off our shoes and touch toes to sand and run on the beach, knowing that we made it through. Our happiness never really went away—it still exists inside of us—yet, we are remembering it anew. Fresh, transformed, aliveness engages us again.

Photo by gezelle

About Lynn Newman

Lynn Newman has a Masters in Counseling Psychology, is a writer, painter, and game creator (like The Game of You & The Game of Insight – An Interactive Way To Know Yourself, Create The Life You Want). She’s big into unleashing the truest, free-est parts of you, to experience more joy, purpose, and passion in life. Visit her at LynnNewman.com.

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  • abel

    I think it’s a little bit selfish to claim that we have lost something, we haven’t lost anything, it was never yours from the beginning. So is Zen

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Hi Abel. Thank you or your comment! One of my greatest spiritual teachings was to accept the humanness of my spiritual experiences. On the ultimate level, it is true, nothing is lost. My mother will always be with me. Yet, I prefer to not spiritually bypass the feelings of grief in order to truly heal and let go. By accepting the fact that I am human, it helped me not to become frozen in grief and live my fullest life.

  • Andrew Bee

    Great article!

  • Joan Harrison

    Thank you for the article, grief is so seldom talked about, but inevitably is a fact of life for us all.
    The grieving process has stages and the stages are very important. We must not try to rush a stage or avoid it, as it will keep coming back to be resolved – as you discovered.

    When we lose someone close we are most susceptible to change and eventually with time this can prove to be a good thing.
    Go with whatever you feel in grief, whatever is happening, whatever you are feeling is the right thing for you.

  • Kim

    This article hits very close to home for me. Thank you for sharing your story. Sadly, mine is very similar. My brother and only sibling died in a tragic car accident and then just 3 months later my husband of 24 years announced that we were separating and that there was to be no discussion about it. This happened on Mother’s Day, no less. He later demanded a divorce so he could be with the woman he had been seeing behind my back. The world as I knew it fell apart. My family was broken. I felt lost.

    The grief was overwhelming. It came in waves even when I thought I was getting better. I learned that grief is not linear and that we must grieve each loss in our own way and time. My initial problem was that I really didn’t know what to grieve first. I turned to mediation and prayer to help me accept that this was my new reality in life. For many months, I fought against this change. Now, I am beginning to see the blessings in my life because of these events. I’m learning to understand and accept the true nature of things and be grateful for the wisdom of impermanence and its role of renewal in our lives. I’ve learned a lot about myself through this process, and I am grateful when others share their insight, too.

    I am truly sorry for your losses. May peace and happiness surround you always. 🙂

  • Anne

    My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I found out my husband was having an affair while I took time off work to help my Dad during his chemo appointments. My husband and I split, sold our marital home, he put my dog to sleep without telling me, I moved in with my parents to help care for my Dad and then he died. This all spanned a period of 5 months. I felt deep despair. They were very dark, dark days. I was able to get through those days with the help of very dear friends and my family and by also taking one day at a time. I never tried to think of the future, I just decided what I was going to do when I woke up in the morning. I’m still doing that only I look forward a week at a time instead of day by day. I also focus on the wonderful aspects of my life; how fortunate that I have a wonderful job, that I have family and friends that love me dearly, my health and my creativity. Yoga, skiing, walking, reading, going to university, eating well and getting lots and lots of sleep were key to keeping healthy and I’ve stopped beating myself up and feeling guilty for the past. I don’t need to do that to myself.

    Next week, after the courts suggested it’s a good idea, my ex-husband has agreed to sit down to talk to me about dividing our marital assets. It’s been a nasty process these past winter months, and his avoidance of facing what needs to be done. I’ve acknowledged that I have a lot of anger towards him, but that is a natural response. I’m not repressing it, but feeling it fully and then letting it go. It’s a wonderful feeling, letting it all slip away like watching something you’ve dropped overboard on a boat, slip into the dark water. You just catch a quick glimpse of it as it disappears knowing that it’s gone forever.

    On my desktop I keep a picture of a broken vase whose pieces have been put back together with gold. It’s housed at the Freer Gallery at the Smithsonian. The result is a vessel that is more beautiful than before it was broken. It’s an analogy of my life. I am treating myself with kindness, gluing my life back together with gold. I am a more beautiful stronger person as a result. Lynn, thank you for your story.

  • jen

    Great article!
    I needed it!
    Thanks!

  • Dan

    I’m not sure people can relate to grief until they’ve been close to it, and even then we never fully understand it. Thanks for the post today- I happen to be having a bad day, for no reason at all- and that’s okay!

  • Elizapornberry

    I just lost my best friend from highschool in a horrific car accident. A week later I was dumped. This article really got to me, even though I feel as if I am standing at a cliff or some crossroads, I now have the comfort that it will all keep going, thank you.

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Anne thank YOU for your story… Boy can I relate. That is the beauty of a site such as Tiny Buddha. Lori gives us this wonderful opportunity to connect and to know that we are together as we grow through life’s challenges and the blessings we receive from them. I love the image of the vase. It’s the gold that keeps us whole:) xoxo Lynn

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Oh how beautiful Kim! My heart goes out to you… You describe so lovingly what I meant by how “loss strengthens our bones and gives wisdom” Thank you for sharing. There is so much to be grateful for even when we meet suffering! xoxo Lynn

  • Lynn Zavaro

    I am so so sorry for your loss. My closest friend also died in a car wreck the year after we graduated from high school. It is a crossroads – and a painful one to bear. I send you warm wishes and wish you lots of comfort. xoxo Lynn

  • Lynn Zavaro

    You bet it’s okay Dan! Wishing you sunshine in the midst of it all:) xoxo Lynn

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Thank YOU for reading Jen:) xoxo Lynn

  • Anne, what you did for your dad will become the new benchmark for what you are capable of. You have nothing to fear in leaving behind your feeble husband and everything to look forward to in a world where you can trust your own judgement. I raise my glass to you. Be happy!

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Love this Joan! Yes! Whatever you are feeling IS the right thing:) xoxo Lynn

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Thank you for your comment:) xoxo Lynn

  • Thanks. I try to get to gratitude for what I had instead of sadness for what I’ve lost.

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Nice way to hold it Andy! xoxo Lynn

  • jdbt

    Thank you for this article – it’s a good reminder for me, that these traumatic experiences take time to process emotionally. I am at the one year mark — I took my 3 young kids and left my abusive husband last spring. It took me a long time to understand that I do deserve self-care (my self-worth was non-existent for so long) and I’m finally (slowly) embracing the fact that I do need it and deserve it. Thanks for reminding me how very important it is.

  • Anne

    Absolutely Lynn. Your words resonated deeply with me and were an affirmation that I’m on the right track. Tiny Buddha has been my friend through these days too. I neglected to mention that in my original post. Hugs to you.

  • Anne

    Andy. Many thanks for your words of support and encouragement. Feeble is the word. I’ve been searching for the appropriate one to use in polite company. 🙂 I see you’ve recently lost a loved one as well. As Lynn has mentioned, Tiny Buddha gives us the opportunity to share and learn from each other. Take care and know that you’ve sent a smile to me. I wish you much happiness too.

  • Beth

    This post is so timely for me. I too write about grief and illness. My husband has ms. The difficulty of this grief is that it is ongoing, but the same remains true about self care. Thank you!

  • Lynn Zavaro

    xoxxo Lynn

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Yes yes yes!!! Many yeses!!!!! xoxo lynn

  • And some days even 35years is not enough time to be done grieving

  • Thank you. Three months after losing my husband to cancer, I thought it would be easier, not harder. It’s reassuring to know I’m not a crazy wimp & “this too shall pass.” Surrender is not one of my strengths, yet I continue to be confronted with it.

  • Lynn Zavaro

    Hi Janice. Three months is still a very fragile place in my opinion. You are not crazy, it all takes time. I wanted to believe it too. Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do. My heart goes out to you. xoxo Lynn

  • Hansi

    for me this article is the other way round.. i was finding articles to get through from what i’m dealing with in this instant. but after reading few, now i’m standing hear wearing my ex boyfriend’s shoes. well my ex’s mom died recently and we were not together when his mom was spending her last days at the hospital. though i went to them and did what i could do for them to comfort my ex boyfriend as well. at the same time i met with an accident, so my ex boyfriend took me to the same hospital where his mom was. so we were kind of having feelings back again. however he wasn’t in such a mentality to fall for something like that or anything. what i’m feeling now is whatever happened between us all through these few years that he couldn’t devote me his time or he didn’t have any mood to treat me nice thinking about his ill mom. and i simply couldn’t be a good girlfriend for him since i was going through even more a tough situation which has brought me here today, that i’m having this brain disorder. at the moment my boyfriend is ignoring me for not being a type of girlfriend he expected, but for me he wasn’t there when i needed him the most, and even today he isn’t there for me when i’m suffering alone. we both have our own considerable reasons. what i’m learning is life is not always fair, life is full of challenges and life gives you so many burdens altogether within a short period, takes you to confusing places with confusing coincident, life is weird and AMAZING! what we have to do is face to that challenges, overcome them and WIN the LIFE! one day you will feel whatever happened is for a reason, indeed for a better reason 🙂 so keep smiling 🙂

  • Good luck, Hansi. Life is not fair, but it gets better and better the more you take charge of it. Make positive choices, show no resentment and accept absolutely the reality of your situation. You must be strong now and do everything for yourself yourself. You’re going to be ok. And you’re going to feel real love the day you’re ready to give it.

  • In my life, I’ve suffered the loss of a sister, grandparents, friends and love breakups. I realized that I’ve grieved over my sister’s passing for 38 years (deeply and painfully) ~ and the strangeness of having out-lived her by 32 years is mind-boggling (because, she’s still my big sister). Since her loss, all others cause me to spiral back to her loss. A recent broken engagement made me realize, I’ve suffered enough. I’m learning to appreciate “me” now and what my future holds, learning to let go of the pain of the past. I just published an article on the stages of grief that I am familiar with ~ after learning the lesson that not every pain should equal another, that not every pain is a “house on fire”. Those that cut deep, however, require time and kindness to ourselves to walk through, at a minimum. I hope my post will be helpful to anyone experiencing the pain of loss in their lives.

    http://hushhushheart.com/7-stages-of-grief-and-loss

  • LesAnonymes

    “This too shall pass.” Such a good phrase to remember during tough times.

  • Geraldine Smith

    I lost my Mum who was my life
    I also feel directly responsible and regret the decisions made before she passed
    I gave in under pressure from others to take her home. She ws in a good nursing home. She deteriorated at home quickly.they blamed us,we blamed ourselves and now I have no Mum and I cannot work due to the stress
    The people here seem to have few regrets
    unlike me. I feel totally worthless.
    I am going to counselling bit it is not much use. I feel myself giving up and wanting to die but also think I deserve to suffer this life until it’s my turn.
    Deanna

  • Hollie

    Wow, this is just the type of advice that I have been looking for. I cannot thank you enough for your words because they offer a sense of encouragement as to the freedom that I have to look forward to once this stage of grief passes. In May of 2013 I lost my best friend at 21 years of age to an unknown heart condition. He was in a coma for five days, but didn’t make it. I had never experienced a pain so deep or raw. Like you, there were plenty of days were I laid in bed and didn’t get up. After a while I thought to myself, “okay, I’m good now, I lost my one person, so I shouldn’t lose another for a while.” Then in July of 2014 tragedy struck again when I lost my grandmother completely unexpectedly to a blood clot in her lungs. While this was a little easier to deal with because I knew she lived a long and fulfilling life, it didn’t make witnessing the pain that my father suffered any easier. Now, I am dealing with two major losses in a year in a half and am patiently waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. I do think I will come out a stronger woman, but right now I feel incredibly weak.

  • Natasha

    Nothing like speaking and working with a Grief Coach. You are not alone. wapuka@aol.com
    certified Grief Coach.

  • Peter

    My mom got a car accident 3 weeks and 6 days ago she is on morphine now she is going to die soon i am having the hardest time of all in the family since i am only 15 and already losing her i dont know what to do can someone help??

  • Hi Peter,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I can’t even imagine what this is like for you. Are you close to your father? Or do you have siblings or other close relatives who are there for you? Everyone grieves differently, so I don’t know for sure what you may need, but I know you’ll need people who you trust to be there for you as you process your feelings and slowly begin the process of adjusting to life without your mother.

    You may find that therapy or a support group helps, as it often provides peace to connect with others who, like you, have lost a parent. Sadly, there are lots of people out there who can relate, and while that won’t change that this may be one of the hardest things you ever experience, it may give you strength and comfort to know you’re not alone.

    My heart really goes out to you, and I wish there was something more I could do to help. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    Love,
    Lori

  • Erik Adofo-Mensah

    You don’t deserve to suffer, it’s not your responsibility to keep another perpspn alive. You will live and love again. And you deserve happiness. All the time. No matter what.

  • Phillip Williams

    I lost my fiancee 4 days ago! The funeral was yesterday! I feel empty and so sad! I don’t know if I can go on! Any advice?

  • Elaine

    My partner died a month ago – he was truly lovely, my best friend above all else, and made life worthwhile. We worked from home together so were together everyday and I am completely bereft without him. I can’t yet process the idea of coming out the other side of grief as my world will never be okay without him, the world is a sadder, duller place without him in it. I have moments of trying to tell myself how lucky I am because I experienced true love and those are better moments but the pain of just missing him and his cuddles and his jokes and his funny dancing at my request and sharing a meal together – how is it possible?

  • Emilio Johnson

    My wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little he could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but a friend of mine came to our rescue by ordering this cannabis oil from ozalogbo which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good cannabis oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. by chance if you happen to be in need of this cannabis oil you can contact ozalogbo who supplied I and my wife with this email: ozalogboshrine@gmail.com

  • Emilio Johnson

    My wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little he could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but a friend of mine came to our rescue by ordering this cannabis oil from ozalogbo, which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good cannabis oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. by chance if you happen to be in need of this cannabis oil you can contact ozalogbo who supplied I and my wife with this email: ozalogboshrine@gmail.com

  • anonymous5555

    I want people who are suffering from any kind of cancer to do research on cannabis oil and its effectiveness.i was diagnose of lung cancer May 12th 2013 and i have done surgeries for treatment and it did not work until i heard about cannabis oil and i decided to use it for treatment,i contacted Rick via: ( samodaspellhome@gmail.com ) and the cannabis was delivered to me and i was informed by the foundation on how to use the cannabis oil for treatment,after using the oil for treatment for 90 days,i felt different then i went to see the doctor and i was told that i am no longer suffering fromI am unable to post this in the Success Stories for whatever reason, so I posted here. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer on October 18, 2013. I was advised by my doctor that my only options were to get a prostatectomy or have radiation seeds implanted in my prostate or receive regular external beam radiation. I declined. I knew there had to be other options.
    I scoured the Internet and discovered a wealth of information about cannabis oil curing cancer. I was able to obtain some medical marijuana oil through Dr samoda (Dr samoda oil) from it and consumed the recommended dosage by mid January. On January 26th I had a cancer reassessment which consisted of an MRI with a state of the art Tesla 3 MRI machine. Results – NO SIGN OF CANCER! CANCER FREE!One of the things that helped me while going through all this was reading the testimonials and the success stories of those who have used the oil and were cured And with good food diet. Now that this wonderful oil has cured me, I feel I need to let others know as well. Please feel free to contact me, ask anything
    should you like more information or directly contact Dr Palmer at: ( samodaspellhome@gmail.com ) were i purchased from. Thank you, Arthur Mike ~

  • anonymous5555

    I want people who are suffering from any kind of cancer to do research on cannabis oil and its effectiveness.i was diagnose of lung cancer May 12th 2013 and i have done surgeries for treatment and it did not work until i heard about cannabis oil and i decided to use it for treatment,i contacted Rick via: ( samodaspellhome@gmail.com ) and the cannabis was delivered to me and i was informed by the foundation on how to use the cannabis oil for treatment,after using the oil for treatment for 90 days,i felt different then i went to see the doctor and i was told that i am no longer suffering from

  • anonymous5555

    I am so grateful to phill for providing me with Hemp oil here in the United State of America. I was diagnose with breast cancer 3 years ago, and ever since i have done a lot of Chemo and Radiation that have not helped me, but only damaged my immune system and render it weak and helpless. I came across the Phoenix Tears and i have read about
    the samoda hemp oil a lot and saw that he could provide me with Hemp Oil here in the State, i contact him
    on: samodaspellhome@gmail.com for the procurement of this medication, to my surprise the medication was procured and delivered within 48 hours and i have been on treatment for the past 3 months. Am
    now here to testify that am no more a cancer patient, I have experience a total transformation in my health sector with phill Hemp oil service. for all cancer patient that live in the America and Canada region, get your Hemp oil from
    samodaspellhome@gmail.com

  • Tuli

    I was a complete daddy’s girl. My whole world used to revolve around only 1 person i.e, my dad. He too loved me so much from the very childhood that I have never wanted anything else except my dad. I used to guard him from the every odds and was like his mother as my grand mother passed away few years back. I got a good job in a top MNC, though my father initially hesitated my joining to this company, as it will separate me from my dad, but later agreed upon as I wanted to be an independent girl. After that my father became really proud on me as I am the only girl of my family who has got this good job. My company was quite far from my home town in a total different state. I remember the initial parting days. My father used to cry and used to say that, ” Who will now take care of me?”. Though my mother is present, but still my father feels that the love and care I give to my father, no one else in this world can give and it was quite true to some extent. I remember the initial training days, I was away from home for a total of 7 months and that 7 months was the worst of my life, as I was unable to see and meet my family especially my father. I used to cry everyday. And then again I completed my training successfully and returned back home. That happiness when I was with my father. 1 year passed like this. My posting was again in a different state but I made it a point to come to my home every 15 days, as I was not happy leaving my family especially my dad. But suddenly 1 day everything lost. Friday night I had my train to go home, but that very Friday morning I heard from my brother that my father is in critical condition , he is heavily burnt and doctor’s has said chances are very low to survive.
    I was so sterned as Wednesday I talked with my father and he was very happy that I am coming home that weekend, he was so excited and was asking my favourite dishes that I would like to eat. Like a mad girl, that very moment on Friday I left for home and finally reached at the evening to find that everything is in last stage. I tried my best to save my father, took to the best nursing home but next morning all went in vain. my father expired. I was so damn shocked as I could not believe how could this happen to such a good man. How can God be so cruel. Thousands of people came to our home to pay respect, such was my father’s goodness. He has helped everyone from friends to foes. He was so religious and spiritual. How can he die like this? The answers are still unknown. When I confronted my family Why they have not told me on the very day of the accident, I learnt that my father stopped them from doing that as he thought he will get well soon, but everything went worst. I am not happy in my workplace as my whole concentration used to be with my father, and also the situation was not so good. But now suddenly, I am so lost I don’t know how to react. To whom I will share my whole pain, as I used to share my all pains with my father. Few days back also I used to think myself the luckiest girl in this planet who has such a wonderful father, wonderful family. My father helped me from everything. But now I am all alone. My mother needs me now, as she is also broken, she cannot forget the horror of Thursday as she bore all the pain right from the beginning. She has seen her own husband dying in front of her, on her own laps. I really don’t know how to cope up. 21 days has already passed but till now I am so shocked that I hardly could believe my father is no more. I really don’t know the answer why god has done this to me.

  • Emilio Johnson

    My wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little he could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but a friend of mine came to our rescue by ordering this cannabis oil from ozalogbo which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good cannabis oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. by chance if you happen to be in need of this cannabis oil you can contact ozalogbo who supplied I and my wife with this email: ozalogboshrine@gmail.com

  • Deena R

    Just rest and be good to yourself. I’m sorry for your loss.

  • Sharon Lummus

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  • Sharon Lummus

    My man and I are not yet at the place where Romeo and julie love was, but we are so much closer than we have ever been. By man’s standards, our marriage should not have survived this long, but neither of us wanted another divorce, so we stuck it out. Now, our marriage is better than either of us could have imagined 10 years ago. God has done a lot of housecleaning in my heart toward Greg over the years. One of the things that made the biggest difference was when I read Emerson Eggerich’s blog on “SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE”. It changed the whole way I thought about and dealt with my husband.

    As you might imagine, this was a HUGE part of our problem, but to the praise of God’s glorious grace, I am free of this hatred. and thanks to solver king for his help kindly check www solverking com or contact them at ajamugashrine gmail com

  • bekah

    My husband and I have experienced great loss. 5 years ago our son died at 8 months old. It was a difficult time for months in the hospital. I never left his side and experienced ptsd from seeing him suffer without being able to do anything about it.
    Two miscarriages followed in the years after.
    Last year Feb. we were blessed with a baby girl. She had very bad allergies to everything, starting a week after her birth. She slowly got better with much effort from specialist doctors, and my daily care. Then very quickly she got sick at 9 months old. We took her to the hospital but their efforts did not work, and they even made a mistake and she ended up on life support and passed away. This was 6 weeks ago.
    My grief is so heavy that my entire body hurts. My eyes are dim and not bright anymore. I feel so sorry for my babies. The hope that I had for our life together. All of the love I have for them is making my heart break continually.
    I can relate to the days in the house with the blinds closed watching tv. I can also relate to knowing things will get better eventually. Im just right in heavy grief right now. I try to only be around positive people and read the promises of God. I gain hope in this, that I will see my loved ones again. The waiting is the hardest part.

  • Tracy L Avent

    so much pain in all of these postings. so much loss. I try to compare mine with what I think the others would feel, but “comparing” really is not that meaningful. we all must somehow heal. I am dealing with the loss of my brother and also an ex (for whom I have never apparently lost some kind of connection, and fortunately my partner seems to pretty well understand this, having had a not-altogether different experience herself). There seems to be support. There seems to be family and community, and that is healthy. But I still hurt and am basically a mess inside. And it will be that way for a while. Maybe, as one of the postings indicated, about two years. That could be the case for the “ex” situation (not dead but just pretending that I am apparently) except that I lost her before, and it did not go away for over ten years. For my brother, he was dying from cancer for six months, so we saw it coming, but the blow was only about a month and a half ago when he slipped away. Now what do i do. The memorial was this past saturday, and I gather it is supposed to provide a sense of closure but I do not feel closed. I do not even know WHAT I feel. Just pain sometimes. It’s kind of random.

    I guess I will just get used to feeling this way, and I understand those who do likewise.

  • Evita

    I am so sorry for your losses bekah. I have some understanding of what you are going through, we lost our little baby boy to stillbirth over the Xmas period and the grief is horrendous. I can’t even begin to imagine you having to go through the loss of your beautiful babies twice. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

    Sending you big hugs and be kind to yourself.

  • Renee Michelle

    Thank you Lynn. Your words give me space to grieve when others, and even myself at times, feel like I “should” be over it. Let’s hear it for the “Housewives…” and other needful respites from feeling so deeply wounded. I’m a netflix, hulu, junkie this past week, crying, laughing, feeling, not feeling…giving myself time to be instead of perform, what a gift. Light, Love, Hope… faith that I too will dance, even in the storm… you’ve brought light and energy enough where I’m gonna go to my favs and DANCE like a teen… and then look forward to collapsing into the hopeful bliss of wonder dream sleep tonight. Breathe in gratefulness. Namaste.

  • Lydia laures

    I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back. I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when I meet a friend that introduce me to DR Olawole the great messenger to the whole world who God has given him the grace to help people in their relationships, I narrated my problem to DR Olawole about how my ex love left me and also how I needed to get a job in a very big company. He only said to me that i have come to the right place were I will be getting my heart desire without any side effect. He told me what i need to do, After it was been done, In the next 2 days, My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness, I was called for an interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director.. I am so happy and overwhelmed that I have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR Olawole at the following email address and get all your problem solve.. No problem is too big for him to solve. Contact him direct on: ugbeninspellsolutiontemple@gmail.com And get your problems solve like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: ugbeninspellsolutiontemple@gmail.comII will not stop sharing his name because he done a very great job for me now my mind is full of happiness

  • teri

    I lost my fiance two weeks ago while I was in the hospital for emergency surgery. My heart goes out to you. What’s been additionally difficult is I’m grieving alone. His children ex spouse and sister have taken charge since I thoughtfully gave them my key to his place. I’m on the outside alone now…I’m not family and have no part or say in What happens to his possessions the lack of funeral proceedings or even his ashes. I don’t exist for calls, cards. or words of sympathy. The selfishness hurts because he was my future and every day friend and they all have their families still. I know I’ll b okay but I’m close to 60 and angry that he’s gone and just getting by each day. I’ve always sympathized with people who’ve experienced loss…..this has left a giant hole in my heart and life. Thank you for listening…..my kids are probably tired of my being sad.

  • Mali

    I lost the only member of my family a month ago. I was taking care of him through his chronic illness and I made mistakes sometimes. Sometimes I had not patience, sometimes, towards the end I used to be do tired I wanted it all to end. He was doing so well after the surgery, but then suddendly on the day he was to be released he was getting worse and worse. He passed away trying to reach out to me and I did not recognise the moment, I was in a hurry, trying to organize things, was not present for him. First I felt relief. I still do not grieve but sometimes saddness comes. My body is so heavy I can hardly move. I did not really eat, or shower or talked to anyone. i cannot clear our home of his things. I try to find a refugee in being there for him, not grieving letting him go. But today I saw a movie about depressed people being euthanised in Belgium on their own request and the idea came,that I just want to be with him, somehow. He was such a big part of me, just the mere look at him, or his touch would make me shine with love and peace from the inside.I have grew apart from friends in the past two years, partially from taking care of him, and now I do not feel like talking to anyone really as it feels in a way it is real if you talk about it. And I cannot stand people telling me their opinion about what I did wrong or what I should have done diferently before. In a way I feel like I am dreaming and I am waiting to wake up to the reality as it used to be. Then it comes, in waves, the sadness, the tears, the unbearable heaviness on the chest, and then it goes. Hardest s remembering his will to live and the pain he was going through so bravely towards the end..and understanding why the surgery went so well just for everything to change at the last moment. And forgiving myself the selfishness and not being there for him. The last night he wanted me to stay in the hospital, I went home, I was so tired. Will never forget the look on his eyes when I was leaving. That was the last time we really saw eachother. I can feel compassion for others, I just do not seem to find any for myself.

  • sumsweethoney

    Just what I needed today. My husband passed from throat cancer last month. Today is a very difficult day – yesterday I was having a good day. So yes, ebb and flow like the oceans tides. I miss hearing his voice that he lost months before passing. Precious memories like feeling his freshly shaven face against my own as we hugged. Just letting the tears come. Thank you.

  • Viv

    Thanks for your words, I feel less of a weirdo now. I was wondering if anyone has experienced a loss of sex drive?, well actually it’s more like a lack of enjoyment in general that is manifesting during sex, making it not appealing at all.

  • Anne

    I lost my Mom and then my youngest Brother in less than a year. My Dad has passed some years earlier. I lost my two best friends, countless relatives but nothing has held the pain in my heart as my Mother,Father and Brother. I lost half of my family. It has been more than two years I am able to get back to most things in life but the pain in my heart is incredible. I miss them so.

  • Just

    hi all..thanks for your letters and understanding …i am feeling for you all..since this 2016 feb end i have lost my father .aunty. brother and favorite dog. all unrelated and unexpected. …the world has changed for me now. …the grief is relentless. all i can say is love to you all.peace.

  • Anne, Thank you for sharing your story. What an important post and also, as we’ve seen in the comments, people move through their grief on their own terms and in their own time.

  • Helen Bruce

    I would just like to use this medium to give a quick advise to any one out there that is having difficulty in his or her relationship to contact Dr.Madu because he has been really helpful to my relationship and was able to bring back broken relationship within time limit of 48 hours Now i am happy once more.. You can contact Dr. Madu by calling him on his mobile +2348107547068 or write him through his email at maduutemple@gmail.com

  • Kate Morgan

    I got married three years ago, and then it was sweet’ in the beginning after a year and few months, I gave birth to a male child, at that moment I started facing spiritual falsies in my life, along the process automatically my husband changed his attitude coming home lately and all sort of meaningless things. After a while he said he can’t live under the same roof with me and he left the home. my life was in hell starting from the day my man left home, he stopped picking my calls he blocked me on his Facebook account. And i had no other option than to seek for spiritual assistance. because sometimes i use to watched some magical things on movies. Finally i found a restoration centre were I seek for help! After getting to one week, I seek help! from restoration home my husband found way back home peacefully. I’m so much grateful everything has finally settled. i sheared my testimony to everyone whom needed assistance to restore marriage, here is Dr obodu email,, obodurestorationcentre@gmail.com

  • gina

    I can’t believe it. Other than the knitting, I am in the process of doing the exact same things.(netflix binges, dancing alone, isolating, PIZZA) My mother passed a month and a half ago. I have read alot on grief because I was worried. But this article gives me hope. It’s like I was meant to stumble upon it. Thank you.

  • Tarek Shamas

    yah its been 6 years, i lost a lot of friends, they died as heroes and I just cant get over it i wish i died instead of them and there isn’t a day that goes by that i dont wish this, I know I had no power over it but every-time i feel good I feel guilty,every time I smile I feel like Im betraying their memory.
    I go to work I study I write I read I garden I have pets I hang out with buddies I play games I even have a good relationship going but its always shadowed with grief and anger, every-time I’m reminded of their sacrifice… or when someone else dies defending this country I just relive it all over again.
    there are days I feel overwhelmed like im carrying a mountain of fire inside my chest, I just cant get over it every time I see a beautiful sun set i see their faces and more faces of young men that will never see this beautiful sunset or feel this cool breeze.
    and its killing me slowly and I just cant hold it inside anymore, I even avoid movies with violence now because I just cant see it anymore even if its fictional.

  • Ace

    My much beloved grandmother recently passed away. My friends and family don’t seem willing/ready to talk about it with me and I just can’t cope with my grief. In my desperate search for help on the internet I just stumbled upon this blog post and I want to thank you. All the feelings you describe just seem all too familiar. I’m glad to learn that what I’m feeling is “normal”. I hope I’ll make it through all this ok. A.

  • linkguy30 .

    My best friend just died two days ago of an Aneurysm that was some how caused by his Leukemia. He suffered from Leukemia for several years. Although I am still in a lot of pain this article is helping.

  • Julie Rauhut

    My father took his life 7 months ago and today was one of those tough days. The kind that took me by surprise and left me feeling like my cheeks were weighted as I forced a smile. My birthday is on Monday and this will be the first birthday without hearing his voice. My husband is traveling for work and I’m trusting that this grief will take me on this wave and ebb away soon. Thank you for this post, so timely and grace granting. It’s hard to let these times have their moment but I know it’s necessary. Thanks for reminding me of the strength that can come from every tear. ❤️

  • Dorothy Doorasamy

    I lost my husband on 15 July 2016 I really miss him.Trying so hard to make sense of it all but I can’t. Married for 43years and just can’t cope cos miss his presence and there are times when I think he is around and want to tell him about the kids and realize he is no more. The world is a dark place for me. No one knows about grief until…..

  • Dorothy Doorasamy

    It’s so difficult to cope. I don’t kniw how one does it but I feel I don’t have a purpose anymore. I feel your pain. Hang in I’m sure God will give you the strength.Take care.

  • Hedi

    Kiss her, embrace her, massage her limbs as often as you can. Even if she is on morphine she senses your presence.Speak to her even if she does not respond. She can hear and possibly understand you. Share some prayers with her whatever your religion, Christian, Muslim, Jew or other…Leave the rest to God and to the doctors around her.

  • Hedi

    Sorry Peter, I have just referred back to your post and noted it dates back to 2 years ago. So my advice is most probably ill-timed unless some miracle has happened to keep her alive for your sake. I wish you all the courage you need in the face of such adversity in life… I too have lost my mother in terribly due to a medical condition compounded with errors on my part as well as on the part of the consultants…for which I keep blaming myself and feeling guilty..My heart goes out to you.

  • Crystal Adams

    HELLO VIEWERS OUT THERE!

    my name is Crystal i am a mother of two, i want to quickly use this opportunity to explain this to you out there! its about my husband who was killed by Gun on his way back from work, without hearing a last word from him, is been 1years and 2months now that my husband was killed, ever since then i have not had anything from the police people who says that they are investigating to find out who the killer of my beloved husband is, but ever since then i have been a confuse woman, having bad feelings about this whole thing, because every night in my house i always hear voices in my sleep, before i know what in my sleep i see male hands try to touch me in my sleep, then i will quickly wake up, this has been happening ever since my husband has been buried now, i thought it was normal maybe it was because i think about my late husband a lot that is why this who thing was running through my head, Not knowing my dead husband was trying to communicate with me in Person, when i see this keep happening to me every night, it was as if i was going crazy i could not bare it so i have to cry out to my mom one morning, arriving to my mom place her friend was there in her apartment who just came to visit her, i could not wait for her friend to leave, because the who matter was so heavy in my heart, i have to open up. it was that same woman my mom friend who visited my mom that morning who told us something similar to our conversation happens years back to one of her relative, that she has someone who she will like us to contact and explain to, that the man in question is a spiritual man, his name is called Cordel Doughty a spiritual Doctor who connect the dead and the living to have contact to each other, so i contacted him via his Email: codelspiritualhome@gmail.com after giving him all the details he ask for ,the man excuse me for some minutes, when he write me back he told me what i need to do, Honesty i thought it was wasting of time, i have no choice than to put a try on it, so i explained to him, after he did his consultation i was told that my husband want to make contact with me and make me understand who is responsible for his death, so the man told me what to do and of which i did, a night after i did exactly what this man told me, when i fall at sleep, i cant believe what i saw, behold it was my husband with tear on his face and blood all over him, it was like i was in the other side of the world that night, he started talking to me, my husband explain everything to me, not knowing this man who my husband call his best friend was the one who is responsible for his death, he pay some drugs head people to kill my husband for him, this same man was coming often to check on me and the kids asking me so many details about my dead husband, but i never suspected him because he was acting nice and kind to me and the kids, after a night my husband speak to me two days after this man confess how he pay some group of boys to murder my husband, and some hiding property of my husband was review to us too, Today i try to put it into written what i have been through in life, your love ones are out there crying trying so hard to make contact with you and show you things you never know about him before his/her death, you can know all this and help them achieve there dreams in life, Contact this powerful man who made my own possible today via Email: codelspiritualhome@gmail.com } thanks to you all that take your time to read from me.

  • Marcia N.

    Hi Gina! I, too, stumbled upon this while having a bad Monday morning. Although most posts here were 3-4 years ago, yours was 7 months ago and since you stated that your mom had passed about a month and a half ago and my mom passed 6/16/16 that puts us pretty close to being on the same page (as far as time is concerned, anyway) which is comforting bcuz honestly, I have nobody on the same page as me right now. I hope you are making it through this rough time okay bcuz I know it’s hitting me hard. My troubles go far beyond losing my mother, though, and it most certainly helps to be reminded that I’m not alone in my struggles. I do wanna point out to anyone who might end up reading this that the ” This, too, shall pass” mindset is priceless bcuz thinking back to everything Ive been through and remembering everyone Ive had to say goodbye to and part ways with (temporarily, of course), the fact that I’m able to look back and remember is proof positive that I’ve survived and made it through those difficult times and will somehow, someway make it through these difficult times as well. So, anyway, thanks Lynn for putting this out here for people like me to find. It really does help and just knowing there’s still genuinely, caring people out there among us helps a bit in attempting to restore my faith in humanity. Take care!

  • Kyle10

    Six weeks ago my wife, best friend and partner in crime left me, taking our six-year and 2-year old children with her while I was gone on a business trip. I was blindsided, completely. She took the time and effort to drain both my personal and business bank accounts in order to fund her actions. Her malice hurts as much as her leaving, it feels. I spent Christmas Eve alone, looking at a Christmas tree bereft of presents (she took them with her) and decorated with our accumulated ornaments (each one a memento of our journey together) and listening to a house without our children. She posted on social media images of her asking “mistletoe, anyone?” and pictures of her newly tattooed buttock (cherries, no less), bikini shots of hot tub soaking – the works.
    She has since returned our children as, although she adores them, they complicate her work and social schedule. Currently she’s calling all the shots, as she has taken nearly all of my finances and filed for divorce, telling nearly everyone in our family and social circle that she left from under an abusive relationship, which is wholly untrue. I have never felt such overwhelming grief before in my life. Some days (or nights) I literally roll up in a ball and sob uncontrollably (I now have ‘six-pack abs’, if that’s consolation). It scare me to my bones. Will I ever feel joy or enthusiasm? How will I ever feel anything close to happiness again? I don’t believe I will, currently.
    The confusion of so many conflicting emotions and thoughts seems too much for a solitary person to withstand, let alone make sense of. I miss sharing meals, wine and tea with her. I miss just hearing her breathe as she slept next to me. I even miss laundering her clothes for her. And yet I am also dealing with a person who led a secret life and hatched a secret plan, and executed it with coldness and finality. I am reeling from the pain of this betrayal. I cannot make sense of it, no matter from what angle I approach it. This is also a person who took from our daughter her most cherished possession: her family. She is devastated, completely. I had to carry her home from the bus stop, as she had an emotional meltdown so intense she was nearly catatonic.
    I grieve for the loss of my marriage, the loss of my young family, the loss of my daughter’s sense of safety, security and togetherness. The loss of someone with whom I shared over eight years of travel, snuggling, childbirths, silly inside jokes, and future plans. All gone. This, and the reality that this person somehow, somewhere changed and became someone I don’t know and is causing harm to myself and my children.
    How does one deal with so many feelings that refuse to make sense? I miss her, I am angry at her, I grieve for my children, I fear for my future. On and on the list and I cannot solve it.
    Anyone, a word from which to make some kind of sense, please.

  • jade

    It has been 2 months since my father has passed..I am only 13 years old almost 14 and this has been the hardest thing in my life to deal with. He was not like any dad, every second of every day he told me how much he loved me. I have not had spend as much time with him as I used to since my parents got a divorce. But he would tell me how much he missed me every time I saw him with my brother. We always had fun together and played sports and he was always interested in the stupidest things me or my brother had to say. He has moved about 10 times and he never lost or Christmas presents that we gave him 5 years ago or any school projects. He was killed in a car accident and I don’t know how to deal with it so my mother suggested this…….

  • Terri DesLaurier

    Jade, I am so sorry for your loss, your father obviously loved you very much and, even better, he told you he loved you in action and in words. Nothing can ever take that away from you, not even his death. I hope you will hold that love in your heart as you make your way through these difficult days. Take care of yourself, feel your feelings and, if you find yourself feeling alone and lost, maybe find a grief support group for teens. I will be thinking of you and sending a prayer for strength and comfort.

  • Sean

    I want to die over lost dog. Lost my best friend which was my Poodle Shadow June of 2016 l want so bad to be with him a lot and leave my family behind

  • Lorna Garrety

    Sean, hello. I understand the pain you are feeling. I lost my best friend, Bella on Feb. 8, 2017. She was 8 years old and healthy. My husband and I went to the movies and when we came home I found her in back yard dead. The vet did an autopsy and she was baffled as to why my baby passed away. I want so bad to be with her.

  • mercy

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  • mercy

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