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Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either

Alone

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

“That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.” ~Anderson Cooper

I know what it’s like to want to die. I know the feeling of hopelessness. I know the sense of loneliness. I know the soul crushing despair and longing to fade into nothingness.

If you are reading this, then you know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure what brought you to the point of wanting to die. But I know you don’t have to make that date with death.

Death is forever. While you live, you have the power to change things, even if it feels impossible. Once you are gone, your choice is over.

History

My date with death started when I was thirteen. Starting when I was four or five until I hit the age of twelve, two separate men molested me on a regular basis.

When the abuse stopped, I blocked it out. What I couldn’t block out was the misery, anger, and hatred. I had no idea what was really wrong, but I was monumentally pissed off. I had constant nightmares about men trying to kill me and about fires consuming me.

I was already dead inside, so what was the point of actually living? Those men took my soul. I was no longer a child. I was just a body trying to survive. I felt nothing but pain and grief. I hated my life. I hated myself and everyone else. I wanted to die. Every day. All day.

But did I really want to die? Do you? I don’t think you really want to die. I am guessing what you really want is for the pain to stop. I know deep down that was what I really wanted.

Destiny

One day, in my early twenties, I got to a point where I couldn’t bear it anymore.

I came to a crossroads. I came to my breaking point. The unrelenting emotional pain had become too much, and I was drowning under its weight. I had to decide.

I literally said to myself, “Carrie, you either kill yourself today or you need to do whatever you need to do to get better, because this is no way to live.” That was the moment I decided to take back control of my life.

Live or die? Which will you choose? I’m hoping that you choose to listen to what I’m saying and that you choose to live. I know your pain. I feel your pain. I have lived in your pain. If I can live through it, so can you. You are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

What Leads Someone to Want to Take Their Life?

I have come to believe there are three common reasons people want to kill themselves. You may identify with one or with all of them. Personally, I have contemplated suicide over all of three.

Severe Pain Caused by Abuse/Trauma (Rape, War, Assault)

This type of pain is acute, but can also be chronic. It can be a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of war, then you know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.

I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned inward, you will do anything to find relief, and the thought of suicide will become your constant companion.

Emotional Reactions to Specific Situations (Divorce, Death, Breakups)

When you go through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on you and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. Feeling unworthy can lead you to contemplate doing something that you normally wouldn’t do.

I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was actually not who he said he was, and had not only another girlfriend, but a wife and a child.

I felt like such an idiot because I thought he really cared. I thought there must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me so easily. I thought there was no point in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside table. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going.

Constant Feelings of Hopelessness (Depression, Apathy)

This type of pain is quite scary because it is a smart and well-thought-out pain. It isn’t rash and isn’t a reaction to something that happened. This pain is insidious. It seeps into your subconscious and gets you slowly thinking that there’s no point to life.

Yes, I’ve felt this type of pain. From my late twenties until just recently there were many days when I would wake up and say to myself, “Maybe today is the day.” I would make plans for when and how I would do it. I would weigh the pros and the cons.

I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, but I wasn’t really in pain. I was apathetic to the world around me and more importantly, to my own heart. I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I didn’t care about anything. I had no passion. Perhaps you understand what I’m talking about.

So, What Do You Do Instead? 

For those struggling with the thought of death and dying and for those who see no other way out, here are some things to think about before you swallow that entire bottle of Vicodin.

This Too Shall Pass

Remember this saying, because it really is a universal truth. The only thing constant in life is change. Remember when you broke up with your first love and you thought would never love again? You did.

The way that you are feeling right now will not last. Remind yourself that the awful feelings won’t last forever.

Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren’t True

Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel like no one really knows you, what you’re about, or who you are down to your core?

I have never really had a lot of friends, and the majority of the friends I have are men. I have always wondered what it was about me that caused girls to dislike me. Was I doing something wrong? I don’t think I’m mean. Why didn’t they like me?

I’m an INFJ personality type, which represents about 2 percent of the population, which is another reason that people just don’t get me. My personality is literally different than the majority of the world.

I never dreamt about getting married, having babies, and living in a house with a white picket fence. So, while most people I know are having grandkids, I’m still living alone and trying to figure out my life. Another reason I think no one understands me: We don’t want the same things or have the same goals.

But, what if I took all those negative, self-effacing thoughts about myself (I don’t fit in, I’m kind of alone, and no one likes me) and turned them into positive thoughts? What if all those thoughts weren’t really true?

What if they were something I had created to keep myself in a safe little cocoon of negativity? What if I started to believe that my differences make me unique?

As I started to work on loving and accepting myself, I came to realize that I’m not for everyone, and that’s okay! So what if everyone doesn’t love you? So what if you don’t have a ton of friends? So what if you need to find a place where you do fit in, and so what if the love of your life might be taking their time finding you?

Remember what Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You.” There is only one you. Even if you don’t believe it right now, you are special and unique, and you have a history and a story and talents that no one else on the earth has.

There Are People Who Will Be Devastated by Your Loss

I used to tell myself that my mom, sister, and friends really wouldn’t care if I was gone. I figured they would get over it in a few weeks. I would tell myself that everyone would say, “Oh, that’s so sad” and just go on with their lives.

But again, this can’t be any further from the truth. If you kill yourself, the pain you are feeling will be gone because you will be gone, but now your friends and family will feel your pain for the rest of their lives. They will wonder every day what they did wrong. How they could have helped. Why they failed.

Is this the legacy you want to leave? Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them? Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?

If you commit suicide, you’ll leave an indelible mark of pain and grief on those you have left behind. If you don’t believe me, go read some stories from mothers, fathers, and sisters who have had a loved one kill themselves.

Is There More to Do?

Is your time on this earth over? Do you believe you have nothing to offer? What will people say after you die? It is more than likely they will say, “How sad, such a waste.” Is your death how you want to be remembered?

Even if you do not see your value, others do. Each one of us is unique and has special talents. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, try thinking about what your talents and your passions are. Maybe you don’t know, and that’s okay. The very act of trying to figure it out will bring some hope for the future.

For the longest time I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going, and I completely lacked passion, energy, and feeling. Then, one day I realized that I have always had something to say (even if no one wanted to listen), and that became the roadmap for my new life.

One of the few things that saved me when I was suicidal was writing in my journal. I realize that I needed to write again, and once I did, everything changed. I had a purpose. I had found my passion. Yours is there you just have to find it.

Your Life Doesn’t Have to Feel Empty Forever

Maybe your life feels empty today. But that doesn’t mean it has to feel empty forever. I spent years (more years than I care to admit to and more years than I should have) feeling empty, lonely, and unfulfilled. This is an awful place to be, and I would never wish this on anyone else.

Just because I felt like I was living a meaningless life for over forty years doesn’t mean the rest of my life had to be that way. The past is the past.

Feeling lonely and unfulfilled doesn’t have to be a forever proposition. It can be a temporary landing if you want it to be.

If you feel empty and lonely, like your life has no meaning, then I say to you, “What can you do to change it?” Try and focus your energy on what you can change, not what you can’t change. I know it sounds corny and cliché’, but every day is a new day to rewrite the story of your life.

Usually we don’t know the answer to this question, which is why we stay stuck and hopeless. Everyone has something they love to do, something that is their passion. You have one too; you just don’t know it yet. Find this passion. Search it out. Give your life some meaning. Take yourself on a journey and find out who you really are.

You Are Not Alone

Remember that although you are in pain, you are not the only one. Get online. Start talking to people. Call a suicide prevention hotline. Go to the forums and find out what others have done to combat their feelings of loneliness and depression.

Do not let your thoughts run your life. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not truth. Remember this. Feeling alone is a belief in your head, and it isn’t necessarily true. I know they feel like they own you, but you have the power to take back your life and own your thoughts.

Find others who have struggled with your issues and ask them what they did and how they found some peace. Read books. Listen to podcasts. Why reinvent the wheel? If others have been able to succeed, learn from them.

Maybe you need a friend to talk to. Maybe you need a support group. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you need a hobby. Maybe you need to find something, anything that gives you the slightest glimmer of hope. Search. If you can’t find any of those things, then give me a shout (carrie@acinglife.com), because my inbox is always open.

There Are No Words

Maybe there are not enough words or not the right words. Maybe nothing I can say will make you change your mind. Maybe I will fail at my task, but I hope not.

I hope you take my words to heart and understand that I have felt your pain, and not just for a few days or weeks or on occasion. I have felt your pain to the core of my being and to the depths of my soul, for years and years. I have plotted my death too many times to count. Yet, I’m still here.

So, every day is another chance for me to try to get others to understand that they are not alone, and that depression and loneliness are fixable conditions. The human condition is a beautiful, complex assortment of struggles. You are not alone in this.

Suicide is not the answer. Death is final. But, you my friend are reading this now, and I believe you have some hope, even if it’s only a tiny little glimmer. I believe you can survive and that you will survive. I believe that, like me, you can also be a voice for change and hope.

Never give up. Every day is a new day to fight, and every day is a new day to recreate yourself.

If you are struggling please reach out for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (1-800-273-8255).

About Carrie L. Burns

Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. As a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she found her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Check out her other writing at www.acinglife.com.

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  • elwhy

    Thank you

  • Mahesh Agarwal Kumar

    Wowww….
    As a person who himself felt suicidal thanks to anxiety and stress disorder,your words refreshes the old memories,albiet in a positive way.I have came a long way from that night,when I first thought of taking my life.I still feel stressed and anxious sometimes..but it’s much much better.I recently broke up with someone with whom i was planning to marry and was feeling alone and hopeless.Your post comes at the right time to remind me that as those dreaded night have passed,this too shall pass.Thanks a lot

  • Carrie Burns

    Mahesh- I’m sorry about your recent break up (I just went through a similar circumstance). I’m glad you are still here. We will both find someone else…..it sounds cliche’ but everyone that it doesn’t work out with is a gift brought to teach you. It means you were meant for someone/something better 🙂

  • Mahesh Agarwal Kumar

    And the best part is that it’s not going to be a cliché only:)

  • Carrie Burns

    EXACTLY!

  • Carrie Burns

    You’re quite welcome.

  • fragglerock

    Thanks for writing this, slicing through the shame and helping to build a network of support for humans being human.

  • Carrie Burns

    Thank you for the kind words. We are all human and we need MORE kindness not more conflict in our world….

  • Julie Fitzgerald

    What an amazing person you are. To survive the worst treatment by human beings and be willing to share your story and offer hope. I am humbled by you. Best wishes to you.

  • Carrie Burns

    Thank you Julie…..Honestly, I am humbled by the fact that others find my story moving…

  • Beautiful piece thank you for sharing xx

  • Carrie Burns

    Thank you for taking the time to read it Chloe 🙂

  • BISQQ

    That mean’t a lot. Thank you.

  • Carrie Burns

    You’re welcome. Hang in there….

  • The Drama Taster

    I’ve been thinking about commit a suicide a few days ago and I read this. Thank you xx

  • Carrie Burns

    The Universe still has a plan for you. Every day is a new day and a new chance to change your life. Trust me…I know. I get it.

  • I’ve so been there and understood exactly how you felt. It’s hard to believe at the time, but there is hope and much of what you think while depressed, is often a reflection of your mood more than reality. I still have to remind myself that at times. Wonderful article. I shared it on Twitter – who knows who might need it right at this very moment:-)

  • It’s a very dark and lonely place to be and I certainly empathize. I hope things start to turn around for you.

  • Carrie Burns

    Thank you Michelle. I agree 100%!

  • bigdo

    Doesn’t Buddha and Zen teach that nothing has to go on though? If we are the masters of our reality and create our reality, than is it not our choice in the end?

  • Carrie Burns

    I’m not sure I understand the question. Buddhist thought and “zen” ideals teach us to find peace within ourselves and to detach from the ego. Depression and anxiety which prompt a lot of suicidal ideation stems from the ego which would mean that suicide and Buddhist ideals are incompatible. No?

  • bigdo

    yeah, that makes sense… it’s just that.. if Buddha says that we create and attract our world, we make our world and that there is no right or wrong, that there is no “wrong” choice, than how can choosing to leave this world be the wrong idea? How could we be wrong then.. Isn’t suicide basically the act of a ‘smart cookie’?

  • Carrie Burns

    I think that is a simplistic interpretation. The teachings of the Buddha and all Hindu/Buddhist texts is not one dimensional. I think he DOES say there are wrong choices. In order to act “right” one has to be at peace with the mind…thoughts of suicide, anxiety, etc do not come from a place of peace. For example:

    If a man’s thoughts are muddy
    If he is reckless and full of deceit
    How can he wear the yellow robe
    AND
    Free yourself from pleasure and pain
    For in craving pleasure or in nursing pain
    There is only sorrow

    The only way one can live in peace is to FIND peace within the self through meditation and avoidance of the pursuits of the flesh and the mind. Rid oneself of the ego. Once you come to this state, then there are no wrong choices…but most of us are working to get there! Make sense?

  • Karen

    Beautifully written piece. I have been in those dark places and in fact am struggling with some depression now. Suicide is a very selfish act and your article pointed out the perceptions and probable pain of those left behind. At the same time, you offered hope for moving through to the other side and finding joy and passion in life. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. It’s inspiring.

  • editrix96

    I’m in tears after reading your beautiful, compassionate piece. I’ve struggled with depression my entire adult life, never really finding a place of joy, passion, or even energy to continue on. And yet somehow I do continue–badly, it often seems, creating many problems for myself. (Medication hasn’t seemed to help much, but it seems necessary to keep me in a non-suicidal place.) Also being an INFJ (with an extremely strong “I”), it’s been very difficult to reach out or to even want to do so. I will read and reread what you’ve written here, and maybe today I can take another step. Thank you again, Carrie.

  • Carrie Burns

    It can be hard to dig yourself out….but you can do it. It took me years of therapy, introspection, reading, pain, struggle and finally finding myself again and finding a way to love myself to find a sliver of peace….if I can do it…so can you! You aren’t alone.

  • Carrie Burns

    Thank you for the kind words Karen. It can be a struggle as you know. I think we all have the power within us to change we just have to dig deep and decide we are worth it. I’m not saying its easy….but it is possible. 🙂

  • bigdo

    i still feel that suicide doesn’t have to come from the ego, or the self…

    If the Buddha says not to pursue the flesh or not to indulge the mind than wouldn’t suicide make perfect sense in the context of the society that we face today?

  • Carrie Burns

    You are perfectly within your right to believe what you believe and I respect your right to believe this…. 🙂

  • bigdo

    Im asking…

  • Carrie Burns

    I understand. Perhaps it would be better if we have a philosophical/religious discussion via email. carrie@acinglife.com

  • Talya Price

    I need to email you.

  • Thank you!

  • bigdo

    okay..sounds good.. thx 4 listening to my questions… I’m new to Buddhism… I’m new to trying to separate from the ego..

  • Carrie Burns

    Welcome!

  • editrix96

    Many thanks, Carrie. I turn 60 next month, and it’s often very difficult for me to believe that, after so many years of this (literally losing years of my life to poor functioning), anything can change. I will still keep trying.

  • Carrie Burns

    Everything isn’t always a bed or roses, that’s for sure. I still struggle with feeling alone a lot. But I found a way to get rid of the nagging self doubt and the constant emptiness. Loving yourself and accepting yourself is the only way….at least it was for me. Hang in there..

  • Bhagwan

    ‘Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them? Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?’

    What if the answer is ‘no’ to the first two ?

  • Carrie Burns

    You don’t care about anyone? You can’t change your family, but you can change your friends. You can change yourself and how you view the world.

  • Bhagwan

    My family and friends don’t care about me at all. When I told my mother I had been molested by a cousin as a child (I’m male), she defended him. She said he didn’t have an easy life and that she sees both sides of the issue. My father said nothing.

    To my friends, I was always the odd man out. Once a friend invited me to hang out for the weekend. I drove 2 hours to his house and when I got there he told me he had tried to get me a ticket to a basketball game but, couldn’t (when he invited me, he made no mention of a basketball game). He suggested that i just ‘hang out’ until after the game. I drove home and never spoke to him or my other friend who went with him, again.

    Maybe there’s just something different about me that makes me less valuable to others, even my own parents. I don’t know what love feels like, any kind of love. I’ve read people describe it as feeling safe, secure, warm, wanted, etc. I’ve never felt those things ever, not with my parents, friends, no one. The only things I’ve ever felt in my chest, where people say they feel love, are tightness, pressure, and pain. To be honest, I don’t feel much of anything. I’ve tried therapy, bodywork, trauma-release exercises and I’m still the same.

    I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I know I’m not going to kill myself. Much like Matthew McConaughey’s character in True Detective, I “lack the constitution for suicide.” But I do want my life to end.

  • nikijaine

    why did you never speak to them again? They tried to get you a ticket, they wanted you to hang out with them (it just didn’t work for the time of the basketball game but presumably there was a whole weekend). It seems like you have very low self worth maybe because of your parents (that was awful of your mum by the way) and maybe you read into things and overreact because it seems to validate your low self worth (“see people don’t actually like me i was right….”)

  • Carrie Burns

    “My family and friends don’t care about me at all.” This is a false belief you have created in your mind. Yes, it feels true, but the fact that people can’t give us what we need doesn’t mean they don’t care. They care in the only way they know how.

    When I told my mom what happened to me she said nothing. When i wrote this post she said, “I never knew”. I wanted to punch her. She didn’t know because she didn’t ask! But…I have to let go of that…..because that is HER issue…NOT mine.

    “Maybe there’s just something different about me that makes me less valuable to others, even my own parents.” Again, this is another concept you have created in your mind.

    Parents can suck. They don’t always give us what we need…but to keep looking to them to validate us as adults is a losing proposition. You don’t love yourself…..that is why you fell the way you do.

    I’m thinking…from what you have said…that you WANT to hold onto the pain. Think seriously about this. Pain can be very comforting if its all we know. For most of my life I feared happiness. To let go of fear is to go into the unknown and to face the possibility of being hurt again. But, this time…you are not a child. You have to find a way to love yourself…..and until then you will not feel a thing.

    It won’t be easy…but step by step…pull yourself out and go….you can do it. I did it. So can you.

  • Carrie Burns

    ****For Anyone who emailed me in the past week and I you think Idid not respond…I apologize! I answered you but my email server was having problems so nothing was going through and I’ll get to you as soon as it is up and running again****

  • Bhagwan

    I’m not trying to be snarky, this is an honest question: how am I supposed to find a way to love myself? I honestly don’t know how it feels. I don’t know if that’s hard to believe and maybe you think I’m being difficult but, I’m telling you the truth.

  • Bhagwan

    Maybe I do have a low sense of worth. I’ve always felt this way so I don’t know anything different. I really do expect the worst from people. Everyone. Always. If I make eye contact with a stranger, I assume they were looking at me because something I did pissed them off. Rationally I can say that’s ridiculous but in the moment, I feel tense, like I did something wrong.

  • Nessie

    Thank you for a lovely post Carrie. I don’t know if this helps people or not, but I try to remember that we are all going to die some day anyway. There is a lot to do in this life, there are a lot of people, other beings and causes that need our help and we can make the world a better place. In the time we have on Earth, it is worth us to do what we can, with the time we have been given.

  • Carrie Burns

    Nessie- Sorry I am just getting back as I didn’t see this until now. You are so welcome. You are quite right. Life has ups and downs and peaks and valleys and if we try to focus on the good instead of the bad we will have a much happier experience!

  • why?

    My problems are not temporary. Suicide is a permenant solution to a permenant problem, at least in my case. Everyone tells me how I have so much to live for, but no one can tell me what that is. Everyone says ‘don’t give up’, but no one can tell me why. Pills and empty platitudes constitute mental health in the 21st century.
    What am I living for? Life is and always has been nothing but pain and misery and the agonizing hollow pain of lonliness.
    ‘Keep fighting! Don’t give up!’ they say. Fight for what? What do I get if I win? Another day of torture? Yay. And I get to suffer through it alone. Always alone. Even my doctors abandon me when they realize how much of a liability I am.

    I’m always alone, and will be for the rest of my life. But I will be dead soon I think.

  • Jimmyhofstra

    It’s hard to live in a society of dysfunction. Trying to heal amongst the so many that want only drama is impossible and therefore requires a completely different approach.

    What that approach is is up to the individual to figure out but it likely has to do with God or the Tao i.e. the rules we have been living by, in a dysfunctional society, are, well, dysfunctional. The reason why they are dysfunctional is because they are out of alignment with Reality, God, or natural law i.e. they are based in Collectivist ideology.

    When one ceases to derive his/her power from the collective s/he realizes her own innate power which is independent of State promoted Collectivism, or social consciousness; accepted notion etc.

    A tree cannot function without its roots — likewise a person cannot function properly without the living God or the direct ownership of her tangible spiritual nature. This is not a belief nor is it something to sit and meditate on per se. It is something that has to be cultivated through active engagement. In so doing the need for ‘proof’ disappears quickly as the person discovers his innate fearlessness and independence in the face of the most horrific odds.

    As soon as one deviates from this fact they are doomed to repeat mistakes and traumas. Not deviating [by finding the Source] there are no mistakes and no more trauma.

  • John

    im still thinking about it its still a good option

  • Bulldust

    Just so much bulldust you could fertilize several farms crops.

    Seriously, you just lied so much. This too shall pass? Surely it will, but tomorrow it will be back again. There is no amount of “wishful-happy-thinking” that is going to make my chronic depression disappear. Or the compounding affect that my constant failure at even the simplest things has upon my mental state.

    I’m not alone? Correct. But what point is a partner that doesn’t understand what I’m feeling? What great pleasure she must feel, sitting alone on the other end of the couch wondering if I’m in a good enough mood to let her hug me. Alone? Yes, I am. Because even just sharing the things that start me on a downward spiral bring her down, imagine how quickly she’d be suicidal if I shared with her my entire burden.

    You know my pain? You feel my pain? You’ve lived my pain? No you haven’t. You’ve lived through YOUR pain. Not MINE. Sure the feelings of hopelessness, apathy and despair might be the same, but the cause of these feelings is not the same. You were dealing with what was done TO you, I’m dealing with what I HAVE DONE to myself because of my mental illness.

    People devastated by my loss, eh? That’s a good one. So, the friends I’ve alienated and haven’t spoken to in years? Or do you mean the estranged family members I haven’t spoken to in MANY years? The only one affected by my suicide is my partner and in the long run, not dealing with my irrational mood swings and constant anger and hate would be better for her. Don’t even try to argue against this, you don’t know my situation.

    In conclusion. Someone might find some comfort in this post filled with optimistic wishful-thinking. I am not one of them. This post has only served to fuel my depression. Also, now I think I hate you, too. Simply because you managed something I will never.

  • Andre Linoge

    What a crock of shit. What about people suffering from chronic pain and/or fatigue? How many years should a person keep on just to spare those around him a bit of soul searching? All admonitions against suicide seem to be based on the assumption that people consider that course of action because of depression or other problems with thinking. Few if any take into consideration that some people are suffering because of physiological ailments.

    People just don’t want to face that life isn’t so great and that some think it’s better to opt out.

  • Carrie Burns

    I’m sorry you feel this way and hope you find a way to resolve some of your anger, pain and unhappiness.

  • Armando Casas

    HI! are you there yet?

  • Ron Yerbin

    I’ve probably re-written and deleted this post at least five times trying to think about how I’m going to say this. I thank you for both your post and the heart it took to write it. I can say I’ve seen that ‘ledge’ and I wonder both on how I got there as much as how I walked away. Probably the hardest thing was telling my wife afterwards.

  • Carrie Burns

    You are welcome Ron. Although I have thought about it often and did not see much sadness in the concept….I’m deeply saddened by the amount of people who have felt the same way that I have and wish I knew how to stop anyone else from having such pain.

  • No

    You said; “Everyday is a new day to fight,”… I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to. The pay off isn’t worth it right now. And given my situation my life will only get worse. Sorry, but you didn’t list a single actual reason to stay alive here. Not for the people who are tired enough to actually commit.

  • Gloria Diaz

    Yeah, well, I broke up with my first boyfriend at the age of 42.333 years old which was nearly 7 years ago. That’s right, I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was 39. Since then, I’ve had one date with a guy, and hung out with a couple of male friends, and that’s it. I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship with a guy again. I’m a female incel. Male incels think we don’t exist, but men have hated me for years, and NO I am NOT a lesbian. A real lesbian wouldn’t go into a months-long depression over men she cannot have. I’m continually broke because I hardly make any money and I’m terrible at managing it. I have four jobs and go to grad school and I’m terrified that I won’t get a well-paying position after I graduate this May, if I do manage to graduate. I’m having problems with my thesis, and my thesis director doesn’t seem to give a shit about this project, and to be honest, neither do I. I’m tired of trying, and things never really getting better, but progressively worse. Deeper in debt, I try stuff but I fail, the stuff I’m good at doesn’t get me anywhere, and men being shitty to me no matter what I do. If I were 30, I’d say, “well, there’s time,” but I’ll be 50 in less than two months, and time is running out. There’s going to be a time where it’s going to be too late to keep trying, because if I do succeed, I’ll be too old to get hired anywhere.

  • Gloria Diaz

    Yup. And if people are suffering, and sick of it, why shouldn’t they do something about it, even if it means suicide? It’s not other people’s lives. We are living our own, and if we think it sucks and we’ve done everything we can think of and nothing works, why not end it all?

  • Gloria Diaz

    Plus, my “family” won’t speak to me. They don’t approve of me being fat and poor, and I don’t like it either. They wouldn’t care that I’m in grad school and getting the best grades of my entire life. I go for months without seeing friends because of conflicting schedules. So if I commit suicide, I doubt very much if I’d be missed. So the whole, “you hurt the people you leave behind” line only applies to those with loved ones. I know of at least one friend who would just shrug and go on with her life. We really aren’t as important as we think we are.

  • ~

    Or maybe you are more important than you think. Just becaue you think no one would care, doesn’t make it true. Trust me on this one. A lot of people commit suicide thinking no one would give a shit /excuse me for the language/, but the truth is, people care. Yes, sometimes they are bad at showing that they care. Sometimes they forget to show that they care. But it doesnt mean they dont.

  • Savy Rose

    I cannot even say what I’m feeling. I feel small, in this large world. I feel empty, and alone. My “friend” isn’t even one. She just has me so she can boost her reputation. I can’t even be like others. I’m not bullied, my family, actually, I don’t know what’s making me feel like this. I just.. I don’t know.

  • Julie Bois

    I’ve been openly discussing in, and my family seems to be at the “we would understand” point. I guess I made a good point. Is emotional pain not worse than physical? What if its been life long, and no hope of getting better? It seems only loving and humane to me go. Only need to pack my exit bag. When your life is shattered its done. FYI not Julie bois. She wasn’t the cause, but she pulled the trigger.

  • Carrie Burns

    I’m not sure I understand what is going on? Why do you think nothing can get better? Why would they “understand’ or even say such an awful thing?

  • Carrie Burns

    What DO you want your life to be like Savy? Is there a reason you cannot create a new type of life or obtain new friends?

  • Carrie Burns

    Gloria-It sounds like you have some serious limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck. Instead of focusing on what you DON’T want or CAN’T have…what DO you want?

  • Carrie Burns

    I’m sorry you feel that way. Why is you life situation going to get worse? Do you have a deteriorating medical condition?

  • Gloria Diaz

    I want enough money so I don’t have to work for a living.

  • Eric Cubed

    Well Carrie, here’s the deal: I have a particularly virulent strain of genetic depression that results in severe anhedonia, catatonic emptiness and a profound sense of utter meaninglessness and numbing despair I can only describe as unbridled emotional death. To add insult to injury, I also suffer from a form of agitated anxiety that manifests as attacks me in the form of severe absurdity and ridiculousness of the human condition in general, derealization and depersonalization hell, always with me, results in a potent rheum or distillation of humans as nothing more than “god-worms,” shitting, pissing, bags of flesh who try to make ourselves feel better with religion and existential illusions (like, “hey raising children will be the best thing ever!”). Whenever I meet someone I think of the millions of years genetically infused onto the muscle memory of their cherubic, entitled face. It disgusts me. We have built civilization as a way to repress death-anxiety, and now we don’t even have that form of “heroism” anymore; we are nothing more than ants on a hill, stupid and self-destructive, senseless and inept and brutally empathic in our questioning abandon. Along with the seven medications I’m taking (xanex and adderall for treatment resistant depression), I also drink a fifth of vodka nightly. So tell me Carrie, why I shouldn’t blow my fucking head off right now instead of grow drunk and old in front my one and only constant companion, my TV set.

  • Jacob

    I really admire that you take the time took the time to write this article and that you reply to everyone who comments here. Reading has given me some needed perspective and hope that I can change myself. The world needs more people like you that genuinely care about the wellbeing of those that are feeling alone with these kind of thoughts. Thank you

  • Hel L

    thank you for this.

  • Kurou _

    i think my dog would miss me more than anyone
    i hate talking about this because, even though its what i am actually thinking/feeling, I’m too aware of how stupid and melodramatic it all sounds, so i just repress it. i know that’s unhealthy but i cant bring myself to open up to anyone about this
    from a purely logical standpoint, i would be doing the right thing because my family has a history of heart disease and depression. i would be punishing my children by having any. i know logically that eventually this is going to go away, but it doesn’t ever feel like it will.
    as for other people, i would go mostly unnoticed. not too many people are even aware i exist, and if they are, they know me as that awkward uncharismatic quiet kid in the back.
    on a small scale, my sister might feel bad for like a month or so but ultimately it wouldn’t affect her. on a larger scale, statistically, i don’t matter in the slightest. i cant cure cancer or write good books or save anyone’s life or even make just a single person happy for any length of time. i hate to put this up and waste anyone’s time with my comparatively small problems but i feel like i need to to get better

  • jesse

    I wake every morning feeling angry I didn’t die in my sleep, I can’t look in the mirror I can’t go out , I’m in my late twenties and I have never been loved by anyone no money and I hope I die before nextweek.

  • Derek

    Hi I’m just one person outa billions so it doesn’t really matter but I think about suicide everyday and I have attempted it twice. I probably will get to a point were I’m homeless or something and may try again. I moved to a city that has a really tall bridge so I could if things get that bad. Any one have thoughts on this. It’s possible I never suicide but it’s possible I do.

  • Derek

    I feel the same. No money but I’m 27 and mom still helps me pay rent pays my health insurance all that I don’t work anymore. Its as much social anxiety as depression and addiction

  • blagh

    You should write a book. You’re quite the wordsmith.