How to Renew Your Relationship Instead of Getting Bored


Happy Couple

“Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.” ~Unknown

We can grow comfortable in our romantic relationships.

In the first six months to a year, it’s all excitement and an adrenaline rush at the mere fantasy of skin touching, but after two years you really do have to work to keep the romance.

Life can get a little routine and formulaic. You do certain things on certain nights of the week, together or apart. The love is still there, but the accelerated heart rate, weak-at-knees sensation, and feeling that your heart might explode with passion have noticeably decreased.

I recently detected this happening in my own relationship, but I’ve decided to treat it as a milestone—a positive marker for the point at which we genuinely started to work to make our relationship work.

The moment our relationship developed from a clueless hormone-loaded teenager to a fully grown, responsible adult.

Scientifically speaking, it is supposed to be physically impossible to maintain that first intensity of feeling that is experienced at the beginning of the relationship, and I do agree that it’s not sustainable permanently.

If we spent our whole lives in that state we would probably find we got very little else done, and almost certainly couldn’t survive for the period of a lifetime before we died from an adrenaline overdose.

However, there is a difference between a relationship maturing with two individuals growing comfortable with each other, and no longer making the effort to do things that make your partner’s fingers tingle and heart swell.

Here are a few simple ways to keep that flash of young love in your relationship:

1. Don’t stop listening.

There is a point at the start of a relationship where you hang on to every word they say. You just can’t get enough. You’re desperate to understand their thoughts, feelings, and opinions on even the most mundane things.

Each bit of extra information unravels more of this new person that you are treating like a gift to yourself, giddy with the prospect of more to love and lust after.

I’m not suggesting that you artificially re-enact this experience if you don’t feel like it all the time, but create time for listening.

Make your partner aware of the times that you need to be by yourself or in your own head so that they know when it’s a good time to have that long discussion and get your opinion. Create time to listen to them properly so that you can be attentive and present.

If you need thirty minutes after work to yourself, that’s fine. Maybe your listening time is over dinner, or while you’re doing the dishes, or before you go to bed.

Whatever it is, don’t stop listening. Listening is one of the ways that we show others that we value them and that they are attractive and interesting to us. If we don’t do this, it might send conflicting messages.

2. A little surprise goes a long way.

One of the first things to go in long-term relationships is the element of surprise. You get into a routine, and you no longer arbitrarily decide to take her away for a weekend or buy him a gift just because you felt like it.

Perhaps you do still buy ‘gifts,’ but it’s an extra pair of socks when you were at the supermarket because you noticed all his socks have holes rather than the cute or hilarious trinkets you used to buy at the start of your relationship.

The bouquets of flowers and turning up at lunch breaks with a picnic basket are gone, and you are less willing to make a fool of yourself to make the other person laugh or smile.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a few minutes once a month and ask yourself what would be a lovely surprise for them. It doesn’t have to be anything huge—just something considerate that would be appreciated.

Although it sounds like an oxymoron, planning more surprises can initiate those weak-at-the-knees passionate feelings that you felt in the earlier stage of your relationship.

Plan the surprises that were more spontaneous before and you may re-experience that love rush. You might even develop your ability to be spontaneously romantic again.

3. Do the things that don’t matter to you but matter to them.

At the beginning of a relationship it can seem easy enough to do the dishes straight away after a meal if it buys you brownie points and more affection. But it's harder when you’re comfortable in the relationship, don’t really feel like it, and can’t understand what all the fuss is about.

Maybe the phobia or habit that was cute and quirky a year ago now seems annoying and irritating when you always have to get rid of the spider/take the trash out. Perhaps you don’t understand why your partner needs some downtime by themselves and wish they were more like you in wanting to share thoughts and feelings as soon as they get home.

If it’s something that doesn’t make sense to you but is important to them and would only take a little bit of time, do it. In a mature relationship, passion can be shown by genuinely understanding and responding to your partner’s needs.

Not responding to these can send the message that you aren’t interested in what’s important to them, and it indirectly suggests you aren’t interested in them.

I have found these points really helpful in my relationship, so I hope they are to you. Having brought up the subject and talked about it with my partner, we are both now trying to surprise each other, listen more, and find ways to be romantic and affection toward each other.

There are many more ways you can re-light the spark in your relationship. I’m still finding more. Look at it as a lifelong adventure!

The most important thing is to give it time in your own head and to prioritize your relationship so that you keep working on it regularly, like you would with any priority in your work life. Then hopefully you can be grow old together but still maintain that flicker of passion in your hearts.

Happy couple image via Shutterstock

About Raeeka

Raeeka is a coach and kundalini yoga teacher who guides people toward creating an intentional life full of meaning, value, and joy. Join her mailing list to gain access to her free online community, a bonus guided relaxation audio, and her cheat sheet on the twelve areas of fulfilment to focus on for a blissful life.

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  • Dairyfreebetty

    This is fantastic, thank you!! Love your website!!

  • Lilasvb

    i really like thispost

  • Love this, Lori! 🙂 I’d also like to add that in doing the work, it’s good for people to remember that a marriage belongs only to the two who are in it. It doesn’t have to look like, be like, or operate like anyone else’s. It simply has to fit the two beloveds!

  • Thank you for your kind comments on my article!

    Yes – it’s so important to make sure that you are doing what is good for the both of you & not worrying about how it compares to others’ relationships. T

  • Kathy

    Thanks for the reminder. After 20 yrs. I needed to see this message again.

  • So glad it helped! I’m sure there are many more things that are just little things we used to do that we stopped doing. Best of luck.

  • Andrea

    Thank you. After just adding another child to our family, I find myself struggling to find time for everyone and everything. This certainly reminds me that it really doesn’t take that much time or effort to keep our marriage alive.

  • What a wonderful comment, thank you. I hope these ideas help 🙂

  • Craig

    Wonderful article. I find that I started setting aside downtime after work where I can just wind down without a barrage of questions. Worked well for both of us. Listening is crucial to relationships.

  • I think the idea of a never-get-old relationships is pretty low. And that’s totally alright. Human psychology is to find and enjoy new things (whether they be in relationships even) so, sometimes we do get bored and begin to see flaws that we actually ignored when we began the relationship.

    So, what’s the way out? Create new fun things and adventures that make you happy. I’ve a quote from Readers Digest that says, the best way to get out of relationship troubles is forget the differences and go get a roller coaster ride!

    Nice post!

  • You can apply these principles to any relationships in your life. Be it partner, parents, boss or pet 🙂

  • Ali Guerra

    Like it!! thanks a lot!

  • Keeping aliveness within yourself keeps aliveness in your life and in your relationships. Tantric Taoists don’t believe relationships have to get boring over time.

  • Mia

    Words of wisdom and love, thank you !

  • Pingback: Growing old without growing bored « Mindful girl, joyful girl.()

  • Anickaworld

    That is true…

  • Some time you will feel  that you are not enjoying your relationship any more and that’s the time to come with some more activities to boost your relationship.

  • gugum

    great… if only both sides know that by keeping the relationship bound better (stronger) is actually a way of making it good, rather than feeling bored. 😀

  • cocktaildraculina

    thank u so much……………..

  • Jassi

    Wonderful idea you share that What to do when bored

  • josh

    my issue is that i have two kids n my wife also have two kids n we cant really do nothing together alone because we always have our kids …n to be honest i love her so much but i feel like the kids took that away cuz all we do is things with them only….i feel selfish

  • paull

    I wish I knew this months ago, I had a relationship breakdown because we just wernt talking about important things.

  • Omorfiella

    A very nice thought. My relationship is on and off. I am trying my best all the time to work it out because my boyfriends said it’s my fault. We are totally opposite but i fall for him because of his politeness and thoughtfullness. He used to surprise me when we’re still dating but everything disappear when were already together. He prefer to spend more time to sit on computer instead of planning nice things to do in our free time or free weekend.

  • julei lucas

    How i was helped by this great man called Dr Samura
    I want to share my past life experience to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this so i was married to john i am Norah at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good no way he did not change so i was in pain every day don’t no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on i try to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called SAMURA he is a spirit man he can do it with in three days then i look an said okay i will try my best to contact him four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man call SAMURA i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have samura contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spirit he did it for me so quick so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don’t want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family so via email SAMURATELLERSPELL100@YAHOO.COM or +2348103508204 he will do it for you as he did for me.


  • Mayita Julia Broman

    We grow bored because monogamy isn’t natural. In fact it is absurd. You can try all you want to make it ‘exciting’ and not stale. But it can’t beat the excitement of lust. Sorry. Friendships can last. But not romantic relationships. I honestly don’t believe that.

  • Antonio Ossa


  • Kelsey

    The thing is we give our kids 100% but we need to learn to give our self one percent even if it’s having the kids watch a movie in there room together so you can get an hour just the two of you your be amazed what an hour a week would do

  • Cat Proulx

    What if everything here is what you’ve been doing but your partner hasn’t?

  • theonlyone

    Ha ha ha…You have said what many do not want to hear. We might be fooling ourselves with the monogamy model but we have been culturally trained to believe in monogamy. Society might be moving slowly towards a new model of relationships.