Menu

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You’re Still in Love

Clinging girlfriend

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

Why does it have to hurt so badly?

You’re so in love, but your relationship has become toxic. It simply can’t continue.

Night after sleepless night, you lie awake replaying the fights in your head.

You can’t understand why your partner won’t change or how they can simply ignore how you feel. You wonder if they ever truly loved you.

You’ve tried everything to save your relationship, but nothing’s worked. You know it’s time to end it, yet the thought of being alone petrifies you.

But still, the pain has become too unbearable. If you don’t end things now, you might completely lose yourself.

Learning to Let Go

Letting go of someone you care about is definitely a difficult thing to do.

I was forced to accept that my relationship with my ex wasn’t meant to be.

The lies and the cheating became too much to handle. And to make matters worse, he was also physically abusive to me.

The blows were so unexpected. I never knew if the next argument would put me in the hospital, or maybe worse, be my last.

I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to understand that his behavior tore me apart inside.

I wanted him to change.

It didn’t matter how much I loved him. It didn’t matter if I was the best woman or friend in the universe; nothing would have worked.

Was he really worth all of this?

No, he wasn’t. And I knew I needed to get him out of my life.

If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, know that you can find the strength to get yourself out of it and move on.

Realize That You Deserve Better

Sometimes, loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return.

It’s like putting work into an old, broken-down car. No matter how much sweat and tears you put into it, it will never be the same again.

The time you waste on the wrong person prevents the right person from coming your way.

How can they come into your life if you already have that space filled?

It took me a long time to realize this.

If you had told me back then that I would have found a man who truly loved and respected me for who I was, I would have never believed you.

I had to let go.

Shortly after as I let go of my abusive relationship, I met my husband. He is the reason I believe in true love today.

I am living proof that you can experience true love if you just believe that something much better is out there for you.

You may not know who they are, or when they will come, but they are waiting on you to let go so that they can come into your life.

Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change

This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship in which you’re being mistreated.

You have to accept that the only person you control in this world is yourself.

Unless the other person owns up to their mistakes, and shows the desire to get help, they probably won’t change.

They may promise to change and turn things around for the better.

They may even be genuine about their intentions at that moment.

But more than likely, things will stay the same, especially if they made promises in the past that they didn’t fulfill.

Change has to come from within; it can’t be forced. Only then do things have a chance of working themselves out.

I thought my ex would change for me. I thought that if I tried hard enough to convince him how much he hurt me, he would have no choice but to change. But I was wrong.

Sometimes our judgment is clouded. Sometimes we simply want to see the best in someone. Sometimes we’re just so afraid of being alone.

Regardless of what we tell ourselves, some relationships are just irreparable.

Accept That It Will Hurt

There is no easy way of getting around it.

It’s going to hurt. And it’s going to hurt a lot!

You’re worried about missing the feeling of being desired and wanted, the intimate and close moments you shared.

Instead of being just a part of your life, they have become your entire life. You have forgotten how to live for yourself.

Getting over the initial discomfort of being alone is the hardest part. But once you get past that stage, life becomes a whole lot easier.

The lessons you learn along the way will allow you to grow and become a better person.

The pain will not last forever. Time is your best friend.

When I ended my relationship with my ex, I tried everything I could to distract myself. I figured that if I didn’t think about it, the pain would eventually disappear.

When that didn’t work, I tried to think of ways to mend our relationship rather than end it. I figured that accepting the disappointment in him was easier to handle than being lonely.

That was another failed attempt at avoiding heartache.

At some point, I knew I had to accept that it would never work out, and any route I took to end it wouldn’t be an easy one.

If you work through the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, you limit the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.

Use Crying As a Cure

The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the pain. Don’t hold it in.

Sometimes, we are expected to be strong when we’re dealing with tough situations.

I’ve found that to be ineffective.

The more I tried to hold in my pain and be strong, the worse I felt, and I eventually stressed myself out.

So what did I do?

I cried.

I cried over and over again, and then I cried some more.

Yup, you heard me right.

I cried like a baby!

I stopped pretending everything was okay. I allowed the tears to keep falling until I felt they couldn’t fall any longer. It lasted a few weeks, but I felt like a new person when it was over.

The tight feeling in my chest was no longer there. I began to think clearer and notice that things weren’t truly as bad as I thought they were.

I started smiling again. I started noticing the sun shining and the beautiful clouds in the sky. I was no longer in that dark place. I felt brand new.

Instead of trying to be strong, crying can help with the healing process.

Take Some Time Off

Sometimes, it seems like the end of the world, even though it’s not.

Your mind attempts to play tricks on you, making you believe that happiness isn’t possible any longer.

But that isn’t true.

Often, the best cure for pain is time.

By resting your heart, mind and soul, you give yourself a chance to heal. This is also the best time to get to know you.

Maybe there’s a hobby that you love or an activity you enjoy doing.

For me, it was baking. Even though it didn’t completely take my mind off of things, it allowed me to spend time alone doing something I really enjoyed.

And I appreciated that.

Eventually, I began focusing more on myself, and less on my situation.

It didn’t work immediately, but over time, it helped a lot.

If you allow it, each day will become a little easier. Time heals.

And even though my relationship didn’t work out as planned, I realized I could still enjoy my life.

Happiness is Within Your Control

Your life isn’t over. Taking back control begins with you.

Everyone needs help at one time or another. You don’t have to go through this alone.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, there are people that can help you. Seeking help from your loved ones, a professional or even a clergy member, can help you get back on your feet.

I am living proof that you can get through this. You can overcome your situation.

Just imagine finally being happy again and enjoying the things that you used to love. No more worrying about the future. You are finally content with the present.

The load has been lifted off of your chest. The tears no longer fall.

You finally realize you deserve better. It may seem unimaginable right now, but it’s definitely possible.

If you make the choice today, you are one step closer to a happier tomorrow.

You can do it. I believe in you. Now it’s time for you to believe in yourself.

Make a declaration that today starts the healing process. From now on, you will work toward living the amazing life you deserve.

**If you believe you are in a dangerous situation, please seek help. Don’t wait. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. You can find additional free resources here.

Clinging woman image via Shutterstock

About Tiffaney Kennedy

Tiffaney Kennedy is a mentor whose passion is helping women overcome life’s toughest challenges. Sign up to receive your free copy of "56 Motivational Quotes That Will Change Your Life."

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!
Announcement: Tired of feeling stuck? Learn to let go of the past & create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • What a beautiful post, Tiffany. It is so, so, so difficult to leave an abusive relationship, for so many reasons it’s difficult to count. You showed enormous courage, and my, look what you learned in the process.
    So proud and happy for you!

  • Hi Susan!

    Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope my experience will help someone else going through a similar situation.

    Best,

    Tiffaney

  • Lizanne Knott

    Thank you for your profound words, such good advice.

  • Hi Diane,

    Thank you for your comment. An abusive relationship is extremely hard to get over, but with help, you can definitely move on and live a happy life! Thank you for sharing your site.

    Best,

    Tiffaney

  • Thank you Lizanne. I appreciate your kind words.

    Best,

    Shanda

  • Shannon

    Thanks for your article.

    It seems two statements are somewhat contradictory.

    “If you had told me back then that I would have found a man who truly loved and respected me for who I was, I would have never believed you.

    I am living proof that you can experience true love if you just believe that something much better is out there for you.”

    Did you believe or not believe?

  • Hi Shannon,

    Thanks for your question. If you notice, in the first sentence I stated, “If you had told me back then….” Back then I didn’t believe. I was in such a terrible situation that I couldn’t see beyond my current circumstance. But now, since I have healed and moved on, I definitely believe that you can find someone who truly loves and respects you. That’s because now I’m living proof. And since I am living proof, I can help others that don’t believe it’s possible. Hope that clarified my statement.

    Best,

    Tiffaney

  • rory richardson

    AWESOME! Just ended a relationship. It hurts so bad but I cant change anyone and I am finally learning at 40 what I need. He can tell me he will do better 1000 times, but never did. I cant lose my happiness -and I was doing that. I cry, too. It helps. Thanks so much for the encouraging words:)

  • Shannon

    Yes, I agree proof makes it easy to believe. It’s like it’s easy to have faith when things are going well. What if all the proof and evidence I have shows me that I won’t find love? I guess I’m saying it’s easy to believe you won the lottery after you’ve won the lottery. But for those of us who haven’t yet, we can’t believe it.

  • rt

    I am leaving my marriage of 28 years and doing it alone since announcing I was separating. I decided my life was too important to continue sacrificing it for my husband’s happiness and life. I have to start again, but I have given myself hope to find and be happy in a life where my life matters. The day I decided to separate was the day my crying finally stopped. After having believe this was how I had to live for the rest of my life.
    When you finally realize you deserve so much better, no matter what you have or own, everything is possible. Just believe it! We all deserve to be happy, no matter what. Good luck!

  • Paula

    It is the difference between faith and evidence. If you need evidence to believe something then you most likely never will believe it until it happens (and it may not obviously). If you have faith then you can believe in the absence of evidence. Try Wayne Dyer’s book “when you believe you will receive”. He goes into that concept much more there.

  • Thanks Paula! Very well said.

    Best,

    Tiffaney

  • Hi Rt,

    Your courage is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Best,

    Tiffaney

  • rt

    Hi Paula always love books on personal growth could you please advise the title of Wayne Dyer’s book this quote came from. Thank you.

  • rt

    Thank you Tiffaney for your kind words. It’s people like you who share their experience to help people like me believe and know everything is possible. Thank you so much for sharing.

  • rt

    Thank you so much Paula. Greatly appreciated.

  • Thank you for the article. I think the reason so many people become stuck in toxic relationships is simply because they value the thoughts and feelings of their significant other over their own feelings. I guess you could call it a lack of self-love or low self-esteem.

  • Artaffected

    The biggest hurdle, for an eternal optimist, is recognizing the toxicity for what it is and not trying to justify it or think it will disappear or change. Huge lesson here after 7 years with a self-serving narcissist. Yup. Thanks for sharing, Tiffaney!

  • disqus_AxVu9XwcIQ

    Thanks for the article Tiffany. I am now divorced for the last 5 months. I knew the relationship was toxic and verbally abusive yet I stayed because of our child who is 2.5. He ended things unexpectedly and was very abusive and blamed me for everything. I was bowled over and just cried for an entire month. I literally am starting from scratch since I gave up a really good job, left my home and moved to a different country. I am now back home with my son thankfully. I am grateful for my family and the support. I am seeing a therapist and excercise but finding it difficult now since I found out he’s in a new relationship. I know we were doomed. I know it was toxic and I lost myself but it hurts that he has moved on. I’m angry and disappointed. Your article gives me hope and I know it’s journey ahead I just hope I can move past this hurt.

  • Melissa

    Your mind is trying to trick you into thinking that the relationship you were in was not as bad as you thought. What you have to realize is that you owe it to your son and yourself to seek a more healthy way of life. It is hard to start over, but you have taken a huge step in the right direction! Keep walking. It is normal to feel angry and disappointed in the fact that your ex has moved on. In time, it will not matter to you what he is doing as you will have re captured you own life again.

  • LoversAnxiety

    I’m in a crappy situation. I’m 24 my man is 33. I have two sons and he has one.. Our sons love each other. All bonded like brothers! My man and my youngest son are bonded the closest.. To the point my man claims him as his own and has even told me he loves him more then any one even his own son. Which is another story.. But even though he’s amazing wit my son.. He is not with me. Constant disrespect.. Bitch to him is equal to woman in his vocabulary (literally sees no problem in it). And the fights are everyday… He tells me it’s my fault and too be honest I’ve gotten so far I believe most of it is my fault. Maybe I don’t understand him because he’s older? I don’t know…. It just sucks. I think what hurts the most is expecting people to change or to be appreciative for everything you do but they don’t care at all. It’s actually expectant for them that you do those things. hard to please someone who expects to be pleased.. They don’t see the hard effort. Not to mention the affection it’s never been there.. Maybe I’m over affectionate? But I hate no getting a kiss on the forehead or a “your beautiful” more often then “lame ass bitch.” Idk there are just so many problems but all I focus on is trying to make them Better instead of saying “Fuck this guy, if he doesn’t care why should I?” Life’s rough.

  • SMC

    hi

    i broke up with my ex 4 moths ago (My first relationship). We had a fight on first trip. Then patched up. He commited try to work things out, hope good things stay true forever. A month later he sent me text to end the relationship; Reason being no passion/sparks better of being friends. Frankly speaking I felt ghosted, cheated. Betrayed. Despair. Unfollowed him & his common friends. No closure attained. It hurts me & kill my self esteem.

    We’re not in contact since then. I’ve been working to improve my fitness, getting on with my life. Picked up new hobby which happens to be his as well. Keeping myself distract.
    New people & hobby reminds me of him >.< I might be escaping the reality..

    Certain time i still gets reminder of the past. I still thinks bout him. I do hv the urge to text him. But I dont knw if i want him back? or what to do..

  • SMC

    I continue to work. Carry out my duties. Post break up break kept postponing for some reason.. I might be pretending strong. Actually deep down i need comfort.

  • moosie

    This was such a heartfelt article – thank you for sharing your experience

  • kangaroo

    What if the other person does not let you go? What if he always comes and begs and you are tired to close the door on him all the time. He does not want to accept that it is finished. It is ended.

  • LovenoLimit

    “I felt ghosted, cheated. Betrayed. Despair”. Just how I felt. It’s a hurtful horrible feeling. You have the urge to text him because you’re looking for a way to have that broken heart mended. I know…I was there. Not a good idea. It’s like putting a band aid over a bullet wound. It’s like drinking or taking drug to escape the hurt. It’ll make you feel better for the moment, then something will happen and the hurt starts all over again. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s better to let it burn and eventually get over it than to cont to get your heart broken over and over and over again. And it may not be him you miss, but what you thought he was. I speak from experience.

  • Jamie

    Thank you for writing this, I am dealing with that stage of trying to make it work and just begging myself to be happy with what the relationship IS but I’m not okay with what it is……I want normal things in life & he used to talk about the same things but something changed in him that I can’t seem to reach so I’m alone even when we are together. It’s so painful to want to be hugged or kissed by someone sitting next to you but if you reach out they cringe away from you. Omg. I seriously am killing my own heart piece by piece allowing this to continue. Every single time we break up……when we get back together it feels so good & is like heaven but after a few days it always returns to hell. I have been through alot in life lately & he was part of my healing but slowly resented me and became part of my pain which of course had slowed my personal healing to a complete halt, possibly even added to the bad in many ways. The good we share is so incredible but the bad is by far one of the worst relationships and heartache I have ever had. How is it possible to feel so much love and hate from the same person within minutes? It makes no sense to me.
    Sorry so much…
    Sincerely,

    Heartbroken beyond recognition

  • Em

    I’ve dealt with this. It makes it extremely hard to move on, when you’re already in a vulnerable position, to deal with their refusal to let go. Yet everyone tells you to cut them off, like it’s so easy. I always wonder, and think it is one of the hardest aspects of this, is how can someone who says they love you when they demonstrate the opposite..

  • Ayden Bremner

    One of the best articles ever… just the way in which you wrote it Tiffaney. Thank you for your heart share, logic, truth! In these situations, (or anything you are truly interested in researching) you should read a lot online and talk to lots of people. I have read dozens of writings,, talked to dozens of allies, and spent dozens of eternities mulling over my situation. This essay today is just what I needed on my path. Again, thank you, and Bless your life 😉
    Namaste

  • Ateli

    I lobe this thank you so much. I will read this everyday until I’m fully healed.

  • Ateli

    I love this article. Thank you so much. I’m trying to end the toxic relationship I am in. And today starts the healing process. I’ll make sure to read this as a reminder that it’s okay to let go. And to put my happiness first.

  • Princess

    Hi..I’ve been with this guy for 4 months and I really fell for him but he lies, he cheats, keeps secrets from me, and icing on top of the cake is the verbal abuse every single day. I tried breaking up with him but every time I see him packing, I can’t take it and I beg him to stay. I can’t seem to let him go even if I know I should. Please help me.

  • Hello Tiffany,
    I have an indistinguishable issue from you, and I am truly choking out now yet I do feel despite everything I adore him. I have to escape this relationship all together not to be befuddled and controlled, is truly dangerous for him to control my life and the same goes for you. It harms like damnation without a doubt yet is to improve things, most certainly will be, simply need to give time, time.

  • J

    Hello Tiffaney,

    Your article really spoke to me.. I just wanted to say thank you for this.

  • JJ

    I’ve been with my man for 15 months and I truly love him but even now he tells me he doesn’t want a relationship. He tells me he’s not with anyone else and that should be enough for me without having to define this as a relationship. He knows I love him and what I want. We leave each other constantly but it only lasts a few days.
    What’s worse is that I am the one who makes all of the effort. He lives almost an hour from me and I drive to him multiple times a week. He never comes to me, even though I always ask. I’ve done everything he’s ever asked me to do. I always help in any way I can. I feel like I’m always giving and he is always taking and I’ve put up with it because I love him so much. I try to “cut him some slack” because was abused as a child in more ways than I can mention so when he acts like I mean nothing to him I try to be understanding and consider what he needs and what would make him happy. But when I ask him to anything for me he always has an excuse- he’s too tired, too busy, etc. I’ve made myself a doormat who is desperate to please him and he knows that. How can he respect a person like me. He’s never been physically or verbally abusive. He just won’t commit or let me go. And I’ve tried to leave him but I don’t know how.
    I wanted to be the one that didn’t give up on him. The one who loved him no matter what and to see this thing through. If he decides to leave me one day than so be it. At least I know that I did everything in my power to make him feel as loved and as valuable as I could. But I don’t know how much more I can take. When he wants to see me he is relentless!! Constant texting and calling to see where I am. And when I do him we both smile and have wonderful times. But on the other days he is so terribly dismissive and curt, as if I was bothering him. I don’t know how much I should put up with because of his past or if I’m just some desperate woman with no self res

  • queen bee

    I don’t worry about being alone.. I relish the thought. I worry about him. I’m the only thing keeping him from being homeless. We have a son together and when I’ve tried leaving before he lashes out in the most hurtful ways possible. He says it’s my fault our son won’t have a father. I get that that’s his choice, not mine. But art of me still feels responsible for his well being. (not that he’s ever gone out of his way for me or our son.) We are already living apart, so that helps. But he tells me I can’t just “break up with him, we’re married” and every time I have left him, he just resumes calling me baby girl and goes into super sweet mode until I fall back into everything, like an idiot, then everything is business as usual.. Help!!

  • Sarah

    I actually ended up being the one who was left in this scenario. With him quoting that I wasn’t ‘ready’ for a relationship because I didn’t ‘love myself’. Yet every time I tried to be open, vulnerable and honest it was thrown back in my face. In all honesty he was a rebound from another toxic relationship – he never made my heart sing until I made it sing. He seemed the lesser of two evils, offering me everything and more than my ex didn’t; doting love, admiration, acceptance, understanding. After only one short month that started to transcend into criticisms, elements of control and very little real respect for me and the fact I was in a stressful situation. I was never comfortable asking for space, or indeed making any of my needs known (towards the end). He shouted at me, told me that I was hard to love, and that I was “needy”. He would say it was me not being happy in myself, and he really turned every insecurity about myself around on itself. My head likes to tell me it’s all my fault, I am only saying this from a momentary period of strength. But my god, no one got inside my head like he did. And I hope to god that no one else will. Terrifying. I hope that I will be okay. This is so hard

  • Janet

    I hope you’ve found the strength now. I was in your position and eventually he left me. I wouldn’t have left him. Sending you love and compassion. It will get better x

  • Aoife

    Thanks for sharing your story. Although I think every break up is different and it really depends on the individuals involved. Not everyone walks out of an abusive relationship into a loving marriage. I think it’s mis leading to say the right person is waiting for u but can’t get to you because you’re in an abusive relationship. It sounds like blame to me which is very damaging to someone who is being abused and already probably blames themselves a lot. So perhaps since this story is clearly just about you, you could speak in the ‘I’ and leave the ‘you’ out of it.

  • MJ

    Hi there,

    I’m currently going through this as we speak. I will admit, I’m struggling so very much. I am scared of being alone, I’ve put my life into this relationship and to know it was all a waste. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I’m so afraid to go on.

    I cannot bring myself yet to end things in which I hope I do so soon.
    Your post helped me so much, thank you Tiffaney.

    Love, MJ

  • Amy

    Really enjoyed reading this article and crying my pregnant butt off. But from now on im taking control of My life and try to give my son a better example of life and how love should really be.
    I knew the type of man he was from the beginning and still decided he was the one. Thinking he was 10 years older than me i thought maybe he was more mature and knew what he wanted. But over the time i realized how hurtful and mean he was. I left him once and he promised to go to therapy for his anger, he went twice after that he stopped and went back to normal. I have realized that my sons need to see their mom happy instead of seeing me cry all the time or be scared of him. Im 24 years old i dont feel like im immature at all i have done everything for him. His house is clean dinner is always made daily clothes always washed my son nice and clean. I handle all the bills. I guess i just give too much and never got anything back. You have truely inspired me. And i thank you for this.
    Im walking away for good.
    Thanks

  • Amy Hadfield

    I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and the first couple of years he was so sweet ,the nicest guy ive ever met,but now its coming to and end i can feel it in my heart but i love him with all my heart and i can’t let go we have been through alot hes cheated twise and it killed me inside I’ve tried to get over it and sometimes it just pops up in my mind randomly,my confidence at the minute is at its all time lowest , i know i need to leave but i can’t i just stay because i love him even though its hurting me ,he promises he will change but i just don’t see it ,i just dont know what to do anymore can someons please give me advice as my heads a right mess at the minute

  • Lan H.W.

    Hi Sarah – I really hope that this man in your life is officially out of your life. I think that men like him are difficult to skate off when all they want to do is control your life. I hope that you are not still struggling with taking control of your own life. You are going to make it to happiness because you deserve it ❤

  • Deedee

    So true, I’ve been in s toxic relationship for over a year now. Every time I try to leave he sweet talks me back. I have made up my mind to end this. It’s been over 2 weeks since we seen each other. He just reached out to me and I had to block him

  • Christy

    I wish I had your courage. I wish I could be strong and just let go. I’m so tired of having to feel like I have to constantly worry about my husband. I just wish I could change my life

  • rt

    Hi Christy,I’ve been in your situation and totally understand how extremely hard and difficult this decision is to make. And having no support from family and friends was another blow for me. But I weighed up if I could keep giving my life away. Could I live like this for the rest of my life. Was causing me so much heartache and unhappiness. And this gave me the inner strength to let go.But it took time Christy to make this decision.
    Three years of crying and another three years of trying to make it work by both of us going to counselling,but nothing.
    So I decided to build my strength and courage by getting support from counsellors. Reading a lot of self help books and blogs online to strengthen and help me cope.This is what has helped me and continues to and no matter how hard, I would never go back. I’ve given myself the chance of finding happiness again and owning my life and that’s what I stay focused on.
    But the only person who can tell you when you’re ready Christy is you. And the advice I can give you from my experience is, find your support system to help build the strength and courage to help you decide what you want to do. Which will also help you with your pain.
    Good luck and all the best! xo

  • kara jade

    I am in the same position as you, somebody please help me. I am 17, I am so in love and I don’t know what to do. He has cheated, he has abused me, I have made mistakes but nothing close to him. He can be so sweet, but he can also put me down so much. I am constantly dwelling on unresolved arguments but I don’t know how to leave. The last time we broke up it was hell, I couldnt eat or sleep I was so stuck, somebody please just talk to me I dont know what to do! I am on the verge of suicide, I am so broken.

  • lee

    i have been in a relationship for 11 years and throughout those 11 years theres been so much lies cheating and physical abuse. We have a daughter who worships him and i have two kids from a previous relationship who hate him. slowly i feel myself dying. He waits for me to fall asleep at night and leaves to see other woman. I have become neurotic. Buying locks etc. When I try leave, he attempts suicide and makes me feel guilty. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place right now.

  • karen

    Listen I know the very last thing you want to hear is that time heal all wounds, but it actually does, but it looks like you are young you will have plenty of time to grow older and realized that there will be so many things in life worth living for, I know got a FACT that it’s hard as hard can get and those feelings of hurt are real, especially if you are to the point of contemplating your on life, your partner probably knows where the right buttons are, and they take full Advantage of it, we want our love to be recepitcated back to us in the same manner but a lot of the times it hardly ever 50/50 and the more we try,beg,compromise& even Pray the other person usually stays the same, I implore you to give your self a chance to look at your life as special and meaningful, your decisions on what your life is worth is more than you can EVER EVER imagined, esp against someone who is not seems not to really care,about how and what they do to you, LISTEN PAIN IS REAL AND ENDING A LIFE IS PERMANENT!!!!! HONEY PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF SOMETIME, PLEASE, I’m not sure if you know JESUS but call or keep calling on him and shed your TEARS&FEARS with him, I have sincere hope you will be better, the next thing you know you have a first job talking about shopping and saving up to have some fun at Disney World ☺

  • Denai Marie

    He was my first. I needed it to work. I’ve put the best of me into it, but I was never enough. There’s no empathy in our relationship. He tells me how stupid I am, how I always f*ck shit up. How I’m useless for not moving fast enough to get him what he needs or answer his questions right. It’s so hard not to be defensive. I love him., but it isn’t enough. I always turn it on myself even when I know it’s not my fault. If I could be more like him do what he wants the way he would then he would love me. He says my
    feelings don’t matter, all that matters is getting things done right. I know he doesn’t love me the way I so desperately need him to and I know he probably never will. I know the relationship is hurting me as a person. I cry almost every day, my self esteem no longer seems to exist. He doesn’t remember most of what he says after whatever sets him off. I wanted so much from this relationship. I had someone else who was interested in being with me, but I made some irrevocable choices in such a short time. I love his kids and I think they love me. I never really learned to cook though, and he has no patience with anything. Puts me down when I don’t do things the right way. I still wish I could save this relationship even though I know it’s hurting me. Wish he could how much I love him, how hard I’ve tried, how valuable I am just because I’m me, but I don’t think he ever will. He’s attacked my character, completely shattered me, given me nothing in return. I have nowhere to go. I live with him and his kids. I pray every day but sometimes it’s all I can to just get through the day intact. It’s not fair. He was supposed to love me. He’s supposed to be my safety, he’s supposed to love me the way I love him but his words say he doesn’t. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to leave yet, but think I will get there. There are things I wanted that he can’t give me. I will never have a child with someone that would shame me to that child. I’m thirty six, and I am afraid that I will never have even one. The love and respect and the equality I long for. None of it’s there, yet I’m still here. Still loving a man who will most likely never be able or interested in meeting any of my needs. Why am I doing this? Why do I still long and chase after what I know is a dead end?

  • KEng

    Your story inspired me. Im in denial of a toxic relationship but all the signs are there… It will take alot of courage to put an end of what i thought was right for me. It only made me feel worse about myself holding on to the hope that things might change. Im relieved that i was never alone with this kind of relationship. Hopefully in time and with my friends’ears and shoulders i will be able to let go and bring myself back coz i think i deserve happiness….

  • Mdsz

    It gets very complicated, when we are on the other side – toxic for the other person we love. It’s been half a year after saying my love vows to her. We are married and every day we move on towards more obligations, but still the things I did to her before Our relationship started make her regret our past. I’m accused of having sentimental feelings towards the person I’ve been meeting for half a year before she started getting closer to me. The person I’ve been meeting was my ex – but after 6 years of not being toghether. We only did things for the academy and occasionaly played games and walked to gallery with other people. I haven’t done anything I do for every other person that I did for her. My spouse also saw all of my messages I wrote to her in these times and there was no romantic theme whatsoever, just joking and talking shit. She thinks till this day she and her were options and I chose the one that felt more aproachable. We’ve entered our relationship with no trust on her side. It wasnt so obvious back then but after 3 years of our relationship the past doesnt let go of her. She forgets and reminds her past regullary. We cry every weekend and during longer periods of free time. When the work is on, week seems to pass, but when there is more time to think, we are getting destroyed by feelings. I cannot change the past and often blame her for agreeing to be with me, getting married, without her forgiving me and she blames herself for getting close to person who make her feel pain. I tried my best to explain it to her, but am just overwhelmed and tired after years of fighting. I cannot change the past and she cannot forgive. I have to let it go until she grabs the knife again and wants to kill herself during our crying periods… I became toxic to her and made her unstable… Yet she still says she wants to divorce and then again that she loves me. The cycle gets repeated over and over.. This week I got day off and will go with her to her parents. I’ll leave her with people who can take care of her and I will go. Even though I made a promise to love her forever… I have to leave and let her meet the person that will make her feel secure and worthy. It’s never easy for both of sides.

  • Ryan Tascar

    Its like your words were living. Started crying when i saw the words. You are beautiful, sending love, thank you.

  • Isabelle Green

    This article and the comments below are all very inspiring. Before I go on, does anybody know of an online support group or a group on facebook for women who are trying to get out or have gotten out of a toxic relationship? I have been in a toxic relationship for almost 2 years now and it’s destroying my life to the point that I don’t even feel that I exist. I feel like I am in a dream all the time, being controlled by him. I have tried numerous times to let him go and the pain afterwards is so unbearable that I end up crawling back… and if I do have the courage to not see him, he’ll come back and charm me again. He is so convincing every time and he promises that he wants to get help but nothing ever happens. We will go through this honeymoon phase which seems to be more and more intense every time and I look forward to it even though I know after this phase the abuse will begin again. Strangely I also look forward to the abuse in a morbid way. It’s like I need to be treated this way. However, this relationship has completely destroyed my life. I can’t work because I can’t concentrate, I lost my kids for a while, I am depressed and don’t know who I am anymore and I spend my days crying. I took the decision yesterday that I have to put my foot down and end this once and for all. So I am doing everything I can now. I am reaching out, reading, gathering strength, I will try to spend time with positive people, and do things that I like even though I don’t really eel like it I will force myself. I just wish there was some kind of support group online that we could turn to in difficult moments.. it might help me through this.

  • Darryl Ruby

    I read your article and find the first person look at removing yourself from a toxic relationship refreshing. I know that the vast majority associate abuse with men vs women but I’m living proof the the opposite is also true. I have a history of attracting abusive partners. I’m now relentlessly reading as many articles, studies and first hand accounts of domestic mental abuse as I can find. I’m slowly becoming aware that I’m an enabler and as well meaning as I believe I am, I’m actually creating a very fertile breeding ground for more abuse. I’m at the very beginning of my quest to rid myself of the traits that I possess that breeds abuse. Learning how and when to say no without feeling guilty is really hard. I have a lot of work to do but I’m learning that I’m actually setting myself up for failure by my refusal to recognise the red flags that are present at the beginning of the abusive relationship. Love bombing, jumping into being physical way too fast, becoming infatuated at the slightest amount of attention and so on. I’m also learning that boundaries do matter and reasonable boundaries should never change, be loosened or be negotiated. Someone that cares about you won’t even consider testing reasonable boundaries. Abuse sucks. Period. I’m better than what I have settled for and I will no longer settle just so I’m with someone. It’s way better to be lonely and alone, than to be lonely with your partner. I will overcome!!

  • Hi Isabelle,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this. But you definitely have hope and you can get through it. I’ve been through so many rough times in my life, and I managed to get through every single one. I’m amazed by all the love and support I received from writing this post. So many heartfelt stories have been emailed to me. And then I saw your comment yesterday and you motivated me to do something I’ve been meaning to do for months. I just started a Facebook group for those who are dealing with toxic relationships. I want this to be a space where people can share their stories and seek advice from one another. I will also chime in to give my opinion and advice as well. I believe if you have the support from others who are dealing with similar situations, It will make your situation much easier to deal with. Please join the group. I just started it last night so I’m the only member lol. I hope to grow this group into something amazing that will help people all over the world move on from their toxic relationships. Thank you so much for inspiring me.

    Tiffaney 🙂
    https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sufferedbutsurvived/?ref=group_cover

  • Isabelle Green

    Great I sent a request to join the group. I am looking forward to seeing it grow and it being a place where I can turn to for help and strength to get through this. Thank you for you comments. I am strong… I can do this!

  • Your welcome Isabelle! And thank you for joining the group. I KNOW you can do this. I believe in you!!

  • Stronger Still

    I’m leaving the warm embrace of 2 dear friends about a week and a half after I lost my husband, home and our dear feline to my partner’s violent rage attack on me, I was in harms way that morning so I ran with shoes in hand for my life! The attacks kept coming by text and email for me never to come back. He would pack my things and then the defaming attempts to my direct support system. And now my overshare. Headed to nature to wail with brand new everything. Purify heart with self love