Learning How to Love Unconditionally


“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

Love is a strange and beautiful thing.

I always thought I knew what love meant. I grew up hearing the words all the time. It was on TV, in books and magazines, and people all around were saying it.

I thought I knew how to love. I mean, I told my teddy bear that I loved him because he kept me safe at night. I told my sister that I loved her, only if she was nice to me and would play the games that I wanted.

But if I didn’t get that new limited edition beanie baby, I felt differently for my parents. If my friends at school didn’t give me the birthday presents I wanted, I felt differently for them.

I seemed to only love the people and things that would give me something in return and that would allow life to go on the way that I wanted it to.

I never truly felt love, a love that was unconditional and all encompassing, until the day I first saw my dad cry.

My friends always tell me that my father is the happiest man that they’ve ever met. He greets everyone with open arms, and his smile is so big you can practically count all of his teeth.

The other day I came home, and my dad looked sullen, the smile usually spread across his face missing. He looked into my eyes and just collapsed into my arms, sobbing.

I could feel his sadness before I even heard the tears, from the way he put his entire body weight on me as if he needed help just standing, and the way he gripped me so tight like a child does with his mom on the first day of school.

My sister had just made a rash career decision that would leave her in a large amount of debt and temporarily unemployed. And my dad just didn’t have the money that she needed to help her out of her situation.

Growing up, my dad always told us that his one purpose in life was to give us the life that he never had. And in his eyes, at that moment, he had failed.

You see, my parents are first generation immigrants from Vietnam. They come from impoverished families, both with more than 10 siblings each. Their journey to America is almost like a fictional tale to me, something that they rarely talk about, with my dad escaping first, then my mom, aunt, and sister, who almost didn’t even make it out alive.

At first, the American Dream wasn’t all that it was made out to be. Yes, freedom rang, but so did the challenge of learning a new language, a new culture, a new way of making money and supporting a family.

But somehow, they did it. They raised my older sister and put her through college. They raised my aunt, and put her through college. They raised my twin sister and me, and put us through college. And in the midst of all that, they found a way to sponsor all of their own siblings to emigrate to the land of the free.

It didn’t come easy though.

They accomplished all of this, even if it meant working two (at times three) jobs. Even if it meant scrubbing floors, toilets, hospitals, classrooms. Even if it meant working all day and night and surviving on only two hours of sleep.

Even if it meant tears and days where we all just cried ourselves to sleep.

Growing up, my dad gave me everything I wanted. He let me play sports, bought me nice clothes and toys, a new car—even if he had to sneak by my mother so that she wouldn’t get upset about how much he was spoiling me.

But at the same time, my dad expected straight As, and to succeed and excel in everything that I did. At times I would get so mad at him and scream and complain about why he made me study so much when all of my friends were out having fun. His reply was always, “So you don’t ever have to live a hard life like us.”

I always wondered how my dad made it, how he and my mom brought up three successful children and stayed together through it all.

This year, my parents will have been married for 35 years, and to say they’ve been through a lot is an understatement. They made sacrifices that threatened their relationship with each other, with their brothers and sisters, and even their own parents—all for us.

There is never a day that goes by where my dad doesn’t tell me “I love you” before going to bed. It’s with this unconditional love that keeps him going strong, and that keeps him smiling every day no matter how tough things can be.

I was blind to this until that day I saw my dad at his most vulnerable point. Looking at him, bent over in my arms like a little child, I realized that unconditional love does not come easy; it is something learned and practiced.

It is through the toughest times, the happiest times, and every single obstacle of life that you can discover new ways of loving.

I did that day as I held my daddy, my hero, in my arms. I discovered just how to finally let the love come in that my dad had been giving me for 22 years, and not question or find a reason for it.

My dad has taught me that to love unconditionally is to love with absolutely no boundaries. Even when it hurts, his love is never failing; it stays limitless, never changing.

There are times in our lives when loving someone else seems nearly impossible because of the difficult situations that we find ourselves in. There are times when we say harsh things to people we love just because things aren’t going our way, or because they made us unhappy.

In these situations, we find ourselves putting provisions on love. We attach it to how others are acting, and whether they reciprocate the feelings we give to them. We attach it to the circumstances and emotions that go on in a single moment.

We find ourselves holding back, fearful of being hurt, afraid to sacrifice a piece of ourselves. But what if we looked beyond all this and just loved?

Love because you’re grateful for the things someone has done for you. Love because someone needs you, needs a friend to lean on during their struggles. Love even when it is difficult, even when your mind tells you that you shouldn’t.

Love by looking beyond people’s faults, struggles, and whatever pain and hardships that life may bring. 

This unconditional love is something that can so easily be given if we recognize it, and that can change someone else’s life completely.

When we love and treat each other with the utmost care and attention, the little things that bother us seem far less overwhelming.

What would the world be like if we stopped looking to get something in return, and just loved unconditionally, for the happiness and inner peace it brings us all?

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt

About KC Dang

KC has a passion for traveling and loves spending time outdoors, practicing yoga, and making people smile.

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  • great post on unconditional love,its rare that we love someone truly,world will surely be great

    if we lower our expectation and love unconditionally

  • I completely agree with this line – Love by looking beyond people’s faults, struggles, and whatever pain and hardships that life may bring. But have to admit it’s harder said that done:) Looking beyond those things in people close to us, especially family, can be a challenge. Your Dad is a perfect example of unconditional love.

  • Chelle aka Writer Yogi

    I actually wrote and contemplated this myself. Love is something we are beginning to section off as “family love” or “friend love” etc. We should love Everyone. Not everyone Except for… I have come to find that loves major definition is acceptance. Compelte acceptance. When you love the person faults and all. Some people may think, just because you love someone means you are In love with them. That isnt true! Love is respecting others and accepting how they are whether you like it or not because we all move in the world and are affected differently. Namaste 

  • Thank you for the beautiful post. It came when I needed to hear it most. I am struggling with so many things in my relationship with my boyfriend that I am losing site of why I loved him in the first place. I am letting the little things get in the way of the unconditional love we have. I should be understanding of things and not throwing a fit because they arent going the way i thik they should. THank you for reminding me of this.

  • Anna Hengartner

    Absolutely amazing article! 🙂

  • LG

    Thank you for writing this article, it’s beautiful 🙂 I’ve been trying to love unconditionally for a long time, trying to overlook things and ignore things. you’ve given me a new insight to “unconditional”. Concentrate on the good things and accept the bad but always love. Thank you 🙂 

  • Psanhez1085

    I agree with u. Maybe we put expections on us rather on other, it might be easier to love the unconditionally. Not easy task but nonetheless but sure will make us happier

  • I think there’s a very big difference between love and codependence.  If you love someone without boundaries that means they can beat you, treat you horribly and abuse you.  That’s not love and it’s not loving of yourself to allow that.  Having good boundaries doesn’t mean you constantly judge people when they fail, it’s that you know that these failures are simply human and not a big deal because you determine how and if they affect you.

    I have no desire to have someone love me unconditionally.  I want them to hold me to standards of acceptable behavior and forgive me when I occasionally fail.  Anything else means they need me, not that they actually love me because if you don’t love yourself (by having boundaries) you can’t possibly love anyone else.  Just my 2 cents.

  • Breebarton

    Made me cry. Just what I needed to read today. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

  • Lv2terp

    Fantastic blog…Thank you!!! 🙂  I am still on my journey to figure out how to accomplish unconditional love, I appreciated you sharing your story and great reminders of what unconditional love means! 🙂

  • Breeze1770

    Loving unconditionally does not include accepting negative, destructive or otherwise abusive behavior. It does not remove accountability for actions any more than having good boundaries means you truly love your self.

    Loving unconditionally does not mean you must ignore things you don’t like in order to love.
    Neither does it mean you must feel guilty for not loving.
    It is not bound to fleeting emotion like Romantic love, nor is it bound to wounded ego like co-dependency. Unconditional Love is not a reward to be earned or a privilege to be withheld. It  is not a bargaining chip or a power trip. It’s not despite anger, abuse or neglect. It’s not because of obligation, or guilt, or shame.

    Unconditional love just IS.
    When you have it for others, it allows you to accept them as they are, even if it means you don’t like the things they do. It lets love them without the conditions that say they will only receive love if they are “worth it”. When you have it for yourself, it allows you to accept yourself as YOU are, even if it means you don’t like the things YOU do. It lets you love YOURSELF without conditions that say you will only receive love if YOU are “worth it”.

  • Robcat

    Inspiring, honest and well written!
    Thank you for sharing your story with us all.

  • Rose Eliff

    What a great story, KC! You seem to have an amazing family and truly wonderful parents. And you’ve presented good things to consider in our own lives, too. Not “I’ll love you if …” but “I’ll love …”: simple as that. I recently wrote a post about my Dad who is no longer speaking to his children since his wife passed. Nonetheless, I will continue to love him. I don’t need him to love me in order for me to love him. I’ll love …

  • Jada Pearman

    Absolutely beautiful . This touched my soul .

  • jessica

    This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

  • Alyne

    Thank you for sharing this. It sure brought tears to my eyes. It’s really touching!

  • Tunsia Jolyn

    Thank you for writing this. Beautiful story.

  • Very beautiful post~ thank you so much for sharing it!

  • gozde

    i loved it! thank you so much! sometimes i can forget!

  • Doan

    Thank you.

  • Robin

    I’m sorry, but sometimes it’s too much to love. My Mother was manipulative, dishonest, and not safe to love. She would take and take and demand until there was nothing left. Nothing left of me. Setting boundaries and limiting contact was required before love could even be thought of again.

  • Robin

    No. Love requires intimacy, love requires relationship. Loving everyone equals loving no one.

  • Mark Reuther

    What a great father you have. And what a nice article. But the title says “learning” how to love unconditionally. And I don’t see any advice about learning how to love. Of course, the way people learn how to love is by growing up in a loving family. But so many of us grow up in largely loveless families, and we never really learn how to give and receive love. It gets kind of tough once that window of opportunity is missed.

  • Raj Raj S

    great great great great and the greatest article..

  • Radhika

    Wow. Thank u for such a fantastic read. You are blessed 🙂

  • kavin paker

    You have an entertaining way of writing and yes I love the why, I usually ask ” What are you hear to teach me

  • Kimberly

    My husband n I av lived together for 8yrs but with no kids, this caused frustration and my husband left me alone for another woman. I was so bitter,cried and Even tried to commit suicide, it was by this river bank while trying to get my self drowned that I met this man.I explained all my problems to him and he laughed and told me about Priest Andrew and said he can be of help, then he gave me his contact as ask me to contact him which i did and told him my situation and he assured me of a solution, and four days after i contacted him, my husband came back. Its 3weeks and 4days now my husband came back and am 2weeks pregnant. all thanks to

  • tony

    In my opinion, nobody loves unconditionally. There is always at least a reason behind why they love. You could say ” If there is a reason why we love, it’s not love, it’s called ‘Like’.” We humans always except something in return (although it might not be too obvious).When a boy loves a girl , he may love her behaviour or may be her shape. Some people buy iphones because they love the brand. Parents love their children because the blood streaming in the children are their blood.How could a person love another without reason? Any idea?

  • Ezgi Ulubayrak

    made me let go of my brief and pain with my tears.i.thank you.

  • Tina

    Thank you for this post. It made me cry, and I guess it’s made me think deeper about my situation as well. I’m pretty much the same as you. My parents were first generation immigrants from Vietnam, and Dad came to Australia through so much pain and trouble.

    Dad is a type 2 diabetic, and honestly, all he does is work. Work, work, work. He works day and night and he doesn’t really hang out with friends, all he thinks and cares about is our family.

    There would be so many times where Dad and I would disagree. I am a uni student now, and there are many things my dad would not be happy or proud of me about. Like when I received my end-of-high-school-examination result, it was just short of a 99% mark, and despite achieving 2 scholarships, Dad still expressed unhappiness about my mark even to this day, 2 years on. When Dad gets angry, he screams and yells without thinking, and his words really do hurt us.

    You know, my dad said exactly what your dad said. He wants us to get good grades, because he doesn’t want us to live the life he had to live. The almost-hatred I had for the fact that it seemed like all he cared about was my good grades, and that he wouldn’t let me hang with friends too late at night, as well as his hot temper, and so many other things, have seriously always led my mindset to construct a big wall to dodge his harsh words and thoughts.

    But there’s one thing he does and that is love unconditionally. While some of his thoughts and words and actions aren’t the best, Dad has been there for us behind the scenes, he’s worked hard so my sister and I had clothes and toys and can compare to our friends, he’s made sure we all went through primary school and high school and now both of us are in uni.

    A lot of my friends are Vietnamese, and we all recognise this same “origin story” –> our parents were immigrants, we’ve all been put through insane amounts of tutoring, we all aim for good grades, and our parents simply just want the best for us. This story becomes so repetitive that a lot of us Vietnamese youth can sometimes just push it out of our heads and be ignorant of it. But it’s true: a lot of Vietnamese parents work so hard so that our generation can live much better lives.

    This leads me to another thought I had a short while ago – I’ve noticed how the main subject of conversation by Vietnamese parents is about their children and their numerous achievements; what jobs their children have, what uni they go to, any outstanding thing such as being Young Australian of the Year or the next big comedian or heart surgeon.

    It’s articles like yours and it’s having quiet reflective moments like these that allow one to realise how important one’s parents can be.

  • Tina

    To continue my point: “This leads me to another thought I had a short while ago – I’ve noticed how the main subject of conversation by Vietnamese parents is about their children and their numerous achievements…”

    I think the reason behind this is that our parents are genuinely proud about us, they have dedicated so much of their lives to us that we are much of what they live, breathe, and talk about.

    Thanks again for your post, and I hope more people, especially Vietnamese youth, find your post and read it, because it is truly meaningful.

  • zzizek

    I think one cannot “learn” to love. You either repressed love, or it is hard for it to come into the scene because much repressed grief/saddness stays in a way and the angry or withdrawen character is therefore in the way. That’s the first issue. Unpining all of this that stands in the way. The second is, you naturally learn unconditional love by actualy recieving it. Everything else if “fake” – you can’t “make yourself” to love, that’s just not it. So, how to learn this if you haven’t and been loved in unconditional ways? Well, but it is also true that a lot of so called “unconditional” love is actualy conditional. We’re still egocentric. Probably the only time we’re not, is when we really listen eachother without having any intentions, but that’s very rare. After that OUR mind comes in … so OK, it IS possible to uncover the personality by anaylsis for example, but how to feel the real love and love because of love itself, not because of concious choice and not because of guilt … Or is it the issue of “‘This body comes into being through conceit. And yet it is by relying on conceit that conceit is to be abandoned.” ?

  • Chief

    I was just looking up some words to help me better relate to the people around me, and I found this. I enjoyed reading the story of your parents and how their struggle led to a turning point for you, and it helped me think through things in my own life.

    The kicker here, is that you wrote it. I saw your name and photo, and remembered being in elementary school, watching you do so well in every class you were in. I’m glad to see you’ve been doing well!

  • Karyna Al

    It’s not about other, it’s about you. When you feel deep love inside, when you have so much of it that it just flows out on everything and everyone around, you don’t need a reason, you just love because you’re made of love. Having love inside is something you can build through practice of mind and actions. It’s not easy but the rewards are immense… I guess another way to picture this is that this kind of love has one reason: it brings you (and others) such joy, peace and happiness that you don’t really question it. You enjoy it.

  • FoglemanJM

    Wow, I had to respond after finally finding this letter. Since so much time has passed I’ll refrain from my immediate response to Jessicadally and just say that I hope you have found your happiness, your true happiness.

    K.C Dang….Dang girl!! I was so moved, completely taken in, and started sobbing as I began to realize how close to home your letter was. It is very clear to me that’s are a very strong and wise woman. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal.

    P.S. I’m so sorry for showing up at this party 4 years late.

  • jessicadally

    Thanks for your wishes, though I question your sincerity. I’m not the only person out there talking about how unconditional love isn’t truly healthy.

    EVERY relationship has conditions. Monogamous relationships? Poly relationship? Friendships? Yup, they have rules about what is acceptable and what isn’t. And eventually if enough of these rules are broken the relationship will either be renegotiated or the relationship will end.

    We aren’t actually looking for someone to love us without boundaries. And if we are, we’re a narcissist. What we’re looking for is non judgemental love.

    The healthiest relationships I know have rules, and the couples in them have done an EXCELLENT job of communicating those to their partners. Their partners feel safe because they know what is expected of them. Not unlike a job or school. When we don’t know what the rules are, when we don’t know what it takes to succeed or fail, we’re always left wondering what it will take to do well, or fail miserably.

    And yes, there are always rules. The idea that your partner can do absolutely ANYTHING and you’ll love them no matter what is absolutely ludicrous. It’s not realistic. If that actually were the case then you could literally partner with absolutely any human in the world. And let’s face it, you can’t.

    There’s plenty of writing on this, from plenty of counselors and plenty of people who have been down the path of trying to love someone no matter how that person treated them. It’s not healthy. It is, however, called codependence.

  • zag zeigler

    So say somone came to you becouse they wanted to change and you alwayse prayed with them at lunch and stuff but they have a history of well being a slut suiside attempts drugs ect and as you get closer to them in your faith life you fallin love with them and now after about a year they are starting to get high and have sex with people for the heck of it should I really continue to show her my love and care for her my heart says not to give up on her but my mind says to leave her