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A Message for Anyone Who’s Been Abused and Has Kept It Inside

Stand Strong

TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson

My uncle molested me from the time I was about four until I was in my early twenties. He held me too long and hugged me too tight. He would growl in my ear like an animal in heat, his warm, wet, often alcoholic smelling breath overwhelming me.

This is how he greeted me at every occasion. When I was really small, I almost looked forward to seeing him because I liked the attention and believed he loved me, although deep down inside, I always felt as if I were doing something wrong, something naughty.

As I grew, he began to grope my ass through my clothing while he whispered in my ear. He would tell me that I was sexy as he growled and hugged me tighter, pressing me up against his body. Much to my horror, I was aroused.

I was aroused by my uncle. “MY UNCLE!” I would think to myself. “What on Earth was wrong with me? Surely something was gravely wrong with me to be aroused by my own uncle.”

I wasn’t even sure of what arousal was at that point and only in retrospect could identify what I was feeling. I didn’t have a name for sex at that age, but I could feel it and knew it was wrong deep down in my belly. I felt wrong. 

He was an adult. He was my uncle. He loved me.

I felt the problem was surely mine and would chastise myself as disgusting and dirty. I kept my secret close. I assumed the other members of my family knew of his behavior and that he was normal. He didn’t try to hide it, or so it seemed to me.

He acted out all the time. He was loud, erratic, and verbally abusive. His behavior was blamed on his drinking and the fact that he was an eccentric artist who simply couldn’t control himself.

This was the way it was. This was the way it was to be.

When I was a teenager dancing at a wedding, he told me seductively that he wanted to “make love to me.” I laughed, deflecting his advance as he pulled me in tighter. He had told me that he wanted to have sex with me.

I knew it was true. I wondered if I would have the strength and courage to say no. I felt the planes and curves of his entire body pressed into mine on that dance floor as I drifted up above, looking down from a cloud, wondering how I might ever escape myself.

It was only in my late teens that I began questioning if my sickness wasn’t possibly in part his sickness, because in every book that I read and every movie that I saw, I searched but could not find a relationship like the one I had with my uncle. 

I would wait for the scene in a movie between two related people to become romantic. When it never did, I began to wonder if that bad, ugly feeling in my belly had been trying to tell me something about him.

I cried to my boyfriend night after night, because the more emotionally intimate we became, the harder it became for me to be physically intimate with him, and he wanted to know why I was in such pain.

After a Thanksgiving dinner accompanied by my uncle’s raucous behavior and inappropriate advances, my boyfriend insisted on confronting my father. To my shock, my father claimed that he had no idea of my special relationship with my uncle. He never would have guessed.

No one knew but me.

I simply never imagined that I would be in the position of having to defend myself. My uncle had been so free in his behavior with me. It never occurred to me that he would deny it.

He denied it, as did his wife and the entire side of the family that accompanied him. Not only did they deny it, they threw accusations at me.

“Crazy. Depressed. Liar. She’s unable to interpret harmless behavior.” They defended his honor as husband, father, and grandfather with vigor as if he were a hero—someone to be lauded, not disparaged and blamed with this filth.

My father had confronted him and relayed the information to me. I did not have the courage to confront him myself.

Just as I never dreamed I would need a defense, I never dreamed of how many would accuse me. Even my own brother sided with them, and my father would soften my uncle’s blame with statements like “he didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I wanted to scream so loud the heavens would respond. Cry so long my eyes would bleed into pools of blood around my feet on the floor. Vomit up every one of my organs in sheer disgust.

But what they didn’t understand is that the blaming, name-calling, and crafting of an airtight defense against me were all unnecessary. I wanted nothing from any of them. I did not want an admission. I did not want an apology. 

I did not want revenge.

I did not want him grabbing my ass at my wedding. I did not want to have to explain to my someday husband my “special” relationship with my uncle. I did not want him to have access to the children I would someday have.

I wanted him to reconsider his behavior before his son’s newborn baby girl, the first girl born into the family since my birth, turned four. I did not want to ever see his disgusting face again. I did not want to feel anymore that sick, dark pain deep in my belly as he touched me.

I did not want him to touch me again, ever. I wanted my future to be different from my past.  That is all I wanted.

And I got it. I never saw him again. I turned and walked away from all the disbelievers and my uncle the molester.

I found people who did empathize and help me heal. I faced the truth of what had been done to me and got the help I needed to go on to live a healthy, normal existence. In doing so, I learned that it is common for families to turn on abuse victims and believe the abuser rather than the abused.

Were you abused? Did you speak your truth, and no one believed you? Did you speak your truth and experience the pain of even one person doubting you?

If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can. 

Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you.  My story can be your story.

We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.

We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.

If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.

Start today and make a new ending.

Photo by Cornelia Kopp

About AmyKate Gowland

AmyKate Gowland works for Single Mothers Outreach as a writer and is the writer and creator of her own blog www.NoLongerHidingOut.com. Come visit!

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  • Your courage and strength is truly commendable. I have not
    personally experienced these horrors, but I have a couple close people in my
    life who have and have opened up to me about it. Fortunately, this abuse does
    not persist anymore and these dear people to me are in better places in life
    now. To hear about things like this brings disgust in my own stomach, but to
    hear people who can tell their story in hopes of reaching out to someone else
    who is going through the same thing is amazing. We usually feel too ashamed to
    tell about our life’s troubles, but every once in a while, I see strength in
    someone’s eyes and I see hope. And that means everything. Thank you for sharing
    your story.

  • Thank you for sharing this experience. You are so courageous and I am so glad that this website published it. I did not have a personal experience in this area but it is so helpful to me because I have children and want to be aware. Amazing piece. Wishing you the best of everything…: )

  • AmyKate

    To Any Readers Out There!! There is a Mistake in the Bio. MY CURRENT WEBSITE IS http://www.NoLongerHidingOut.com. COME VISIT ME THERE!! MUCH LOVE, AMYKATE

  • michael

    my god. I am living this right now, about my brother (I am a 48 year-old man). I tried to speak my truth and my father insisted I not tell my mother because it would be “too much for her.” my parents were a large part of the problem, a dynamic that continues to this day. thank you for sharing your story and helping me feel less alone.

  • Kathy

    “If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you.” THANK YOU.

  • gsfraser

    There are no safe people…. only people.

  • Lisa Alexander

    Thank you! Every time one of us is brave enough to say the words out loud, to speak the TRUTH, people are saved

  • This is such a powerful, courageous post. I began writing about my childhood sexual abuse a couple of years ago, but still could not come out of that closet of shame. A few months ago I started a blog to “practice” speaking out–hoping the whole world wouldn’t come crashing down. I know now it is the vehicle to my recovery. http://morningpageswriter.wordpress.com
    Thanks so much for adding to my strength by telling your story.

  • Remy

    Thank for this article. Your courage to speak out is inspirational. There are too many people that hate themselves for having this experience, yet it is hard for them to confront it within themselves and to their abusers. I hope this article will help them.

  • GINE

    Why not go to the police, since family does not believe and they are in denial, maybe they know and they do not want the family to be ashame. Here is the thing if this scams are not stop they will continue to do it to others , it happend to my to me and it happend to my cousin. They need to be stopped. otherwise your uncle continues doing and damaging the lives of innocent childreen .. this scambugs do not stop.

  • Sparks

    Thankyou I’ve recently reported my abuser to the police and from the sounds of it they know the guy in question. I remember telling my sister about it soon after but she didn’t believe me even after drawing the plans for the flat etc.

    I don’t blame her she was only 13 ish when I told her. I’ve still yet to tell my parents though even with the investigation going on.

  • AmyKate

    Sometimes the people we love the most are the abusers. Thank you for your comment.
    Much love,
    AmyKate

  • crushed

    Thank you for sharing…when my family and friends turned their back on me when Idecided to speak out and make a big decision to leave my abuser it crushed me..I still don’t understand why but it has made me a better mother to my children..they are my number 1

  • AmyKate Gowland

    I think one of the rewards of parenthood is the second chance of having a family on your terms. I know I derive so much joy from having a family I created that is completely abuse free and full of love. It feels like a second chance for me everyday. Thank you for your comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • Laurie

    Thankfully my family believed me. I am sorry that you had to endure those accusations. Thank you AmyKate for not being afraid to discuss abuse. I definitely stand with you http://www.phils-light.com/fight-the-funct/

  • AmyKate Gowland

    I don’t know the statistics but the majority of children who are abused are abused by someone they know and often by someone they love. You can never be too careful. Thank you for your comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    One of my biggest regrets is that I did not speak out sooner or go to the police and press charges but at the time all I wanted was to get away from him. I did not have the confidence or strength to press charges. Now the statute of limitations has run out. I wish you all the best with your case and hope you get the outcome you are looking for.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    I hope so too. The last person they should hate is themselves. I wrote the article so that hopefully those who are experiencing similar circumstances but feel all alone will realize that they are not. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
    Much love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Keep speaking your truth. There is such power in the truth. You should be proud of what you are doing. I stand beside you!
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    That is my hope as well!!! Thank you for your thoughtful post.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKateGowland

    You can’t change people and you can’t force them to see your truth. I have had to move away from people because of this fact. It is EXTREMELY painful that maintaining a veneer could be more important that someone’s love or concern for you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. My eyes are tearing up writing this. I hope you find your way to some people who can support you in your truth and not ask you to live a lie for them.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Being aware is the best way to protect your children so good for you! Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Thank you. I believe it is important to share this story so that others experiencing the same thing might become empowered enough to reach out for help. That is my greatest hope. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • Sarah

    Oh, lovely woman! Thank you for baring your soul in such a public forum for all those who have kept their secret. After reading your beautiful post I am sure that there will be people who read this and find freedom, finally! Your experience has found a voice and will now help others heal and find peace! Thank you, with love! ♥

  • paganheart

    One of my closest friends was sexually abused by two male relatives as a child. The first one died before she ever got a chance to tell anyone about him. When she worked up the courage to tell her parents what the second one had done to her, virtually her entire family turned on her. They refused to believe that this “good guy” who everyone loved could have sexually abused anyone. He was clean-cut, handsome, popular, successful, a high school and college athlete who went on to be a minister, of all things! She was accused of being “evil” and “envious” and some even suggested that she must have seduced him! She eventually cut off all contact with her family and spend several years struggling with drugs and bulimia before she finally found her way to help. She now works for an organization that serves homeless and runaway youth, a huge number of whom are on the streets because of sexual abuse at home. In many ways she appears to have “survived” and “healed.” But she still has issues with touch and physical boundaries and has struggled to maintain healthy romantic relationships. After a recent, ugly breakup, she has begun to wonder if she should just remain alone. The wounds run deep, and sometimes never heal.

    It startles me that so many people still don’t believe sexual abuse victims, even after years of raising awareness. Is it denial? Ignorance? Both? In the face of such resistance, it makes my respect for those who tell their stories, despite the very real risk of rejection, that much greater. We need to make it even easier for victims of abuse to come forward and be believed, no matter how ugly the truth may be. Monsters walk among us. And no matter who they are, they must be called out.

    I am sharing your website with my friend. Thank you for being so brave, and all the best to you.

  • Sarah

    And, you can never be too open with your children when they are young, expressing that, as a parent, you are their safe haven. That they can talk to you about anything! Telling them that anytime they feel a bad feeling about how someone is holding them or touching them, they can come to you and talk about it without fear of punishment or being “wrong”. And explaining that they can trust you not to share what they tell you with a close family member. My daughter shared an experience with me that prevented her suffering abuse!

  • G

    Thank you so much for sharing! I believe this was a message for me to read, and for many others as well. We stand united, leaving behind the past and victimization and converting it into a victorious future! God Bless xo

  • Anna

    Here’s a little more about the importance of being truthful about abusive relationships. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/abuse-why-telling-the-truth-will-set-you-free-hannah-furr/

  • Nadia

    Thank you so much for sharing this article, my 13 year old nice is going through something similar. And yes I believe usually the people closer to you tend to be the abuser. All I want to do is hug and protect her, and I could never turn my back on her. I wish I could erase all the bad memories and make it all better for her. No child should ever go through this, and I definitely don’t trust anyone with my children.

  • Rachelle Croft

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. It is my mission and calling in life to be a voice for anyone who does not have one. My friend and I are racing in an international Rallye to bring awareness to this epidemic. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are abused by their 18th birthday. Terrible statistics. We have partnered with the charity ‘Voice Today’. They have been amazing and have great tools for healing. Much love to you as you continue on your journey. We also made a video, if you want to check it out, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFvNxB7d78w, or http://www.teamxelles.com. Good job on taking a stand and drawing healthy boundaries.
    Blessings,
    Rachelle Croft
    Team #182
    Fellow Survivor

  • Biglove

    I was recently stalked and harassed by a beloved family friend who is older than my father. I kept quiet about it for 6 months because he was a very loving grandparent to my children, but it made me sick being near him. I finally confronted him and his family and they were confused and incredulous. He confessed he was in love and obsessed with me, but everyone begged me to get over it so we could all play happy families. I did for a year until severe ill-health forced me to put up boundaries and speak the truth. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, and I doubted it was the right thing to do, but I am glad I have done it. You are brave, and I am inspired by your story, and it helps me to keep strong in my resolve to cut him out of our lives, as I deserve to feel safe. It felt wrong and it was wrong, other people just don’t want to deal with things changing- thanks for sharing 🙂

  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    Wow…this is one of the most shocking blogs I’ve ever read! Must have taken a lot of courage to share your vulnerability with all of us…Glad to hear that you are in a better place now…:-). Out of curiosity; did you end up marrying the same boyfriend who told you to face your fears?

  • Anje

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I am in therapy dealing with it, but outside of that I barely speak about it. Your story really resonated with me and made me realise I am not alone, especially in the way I am feeling. I was abused when I was about 5 or 6 (many of the memories are still foggy, but I am working at unlocking them) and I only disclosed these memories when I was 19 years old to my therapist and then at 21 years old to my family and a handful of close friends. It is hard changing thought patterns you have had almost your entire life and it often scares me – will I ever be “normal” again? But I am working hard at it and I’d like to think I have come very far. Thank you, Amy, for making me feel less alone and for making me feel like my emotions are valid.

  • AmyKateGowland

    Anje,
    I am so sorry that you were abused. Thank you for your comment and I am glad that you are getting help. I would suggest that you give up the notion of being “normal” and just be exactly the way you are. You are perfect as is and the more that you work on yourself the more of yourself you will be. Be the best version of Anje that you can be. There is nothing wrong with you. Your past is just a part of who you are and all of you is exactly as it should be. Find a way to not be in pain through therapy but never think that there is anything wrong with you or that you need to strive for some sort of normalcy. You are already perfect right now!
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    It was a little scary but I just kept thinking of how many people I could potentially help if I told the story…how much it would have helped me to read this story in my teens when I was struggling with what to do about my own situation. The boyfriend who forced the issue with my Dad and I did not end up getting married but he and I are still really close friends. He is the only ex boyfriend I have ever stayed friends with. He read at our wedding and we attended his. We live in the same city so we see him occasionally. He and his wife are like extended family. Thanks for your comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Shame on your family for asking you to make that kind of sacrifice. Hopefully they are supporting you now that you have made the decision. You not only did the right thing for yourself but you set a precedent for your children that being treated that way is abusive and not allowed. They will carry that with them. Thank you for your comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Congratulations on all of the good work you are doing! We need warriors like you!
    Thank you for your comment!
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • Rachelle Croft

    Thank you so much! Blessings to you and your friend! Another great resource I have found is ‘The Wounded Heart’ By Dr. Dan B. Allandar and ‘Not Marked’ By Mary Demuth. Best of luck!

  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    That’s beautiful…yes, I feel the same way when I read a lot of people’s experiences in Tiny Buddha..if I had something like this when I was struggling with a lot of my own inner demons particularly during my teenage years as well… Then again, I suppose if each of us hadn’t gone through certain experiences in our lives; maybe each of us wouldn’t be here sharing each others stories & realizing there are other people going through similar experiences as well & that we are not as alone & lost as well may feel at times… Really appreciate your authenticity & wish you the best! 🙂

  • AmyKate Gowland

    I feel like my relationship with my children has been a second chance. My relationship with my daughter has been a second chance at a mother daughter relationship, I am just the mother. It has been incredibly healing. So I understand why it has made you a better mother. Detaching from my family of origin and focusing on my family of creation makes me a better, happier person. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    You are her hero and protector. I’m sure she adores you. Good for you for being that person for her. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Thank you so much! I look forward to a victorious future as well!
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Thank you so much. Your beautiful comment makes me want to cry. I feel so appreciated.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    We all learn and gain strength from each other. That is the beauty of humanity. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Thank you Anna.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Thank you Laurie,
    I am so glad your family believed you. What a blessing. Thank you for your kind words.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Good for you for going to the police. I wish I had done that. Eventually you will tell your parents. Good luck. And Thank you for your comment.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Thank you Kathy! Your words feel so good to hear. Thank you for for comment!
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • Pip

    If I were not sitting down, this would have brought me to my knees; I can barely see through my tears. Your story is so very close to mine in many ways. Thank You for sharing

  • Galina

    It’s horrible. It feels wrong. But much of it happens in a ‘loving’ and often public way which no-one else seems to notice. And when we are young we don’t have the vocabulary, or
    understanding, or experience to deal with it. It is distressing, confusing. By the time we have any clarity on the situation, the harm is done. We are broken. I can’t bear how ugly humans can be. Well done for gathering your power and life to you. Love and happiness to you all

  • AmyKate Gowland

    That was what was so confusing about my situation is that so much of it was done in public and supposedly out of love that I assumed that the whole family knew and that I was the only one who thought something was wrong. And your right that before I figured it out the damage was done. It is very painful.. I feel your pain. Thank you for writing. You make me feel understood.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AMyKateGowland

    Thank you for your comment. I am glad you know that you are not alone in your pain.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • melina

    I wish I could courage to speak out. I was abused too.But I find no one right here.

  • AmyKate Gowland

    Melina, If you want you can visit my site listed above and speak out to me. I believe you and will stand by you until you are ready to speak out to someone close to you.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • michael

    thank you for your kind thoughts and words. shortly after i wrote the above comment i got a message from my mother bitterly “apologizing.” (apparently my father had taken it upon himself to tell her.) it was no apology at all but simply another narcissistic translation of actual events into a fantasy centering around her.

    we have not spoken nor have i spoken with my father – and i feel somehow relieved. for the first time in my life i have changed that toxic status quo (albeit perhaps for the worse), and that itself has helped. you helped me; thought you should know.

  • malie22

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • PixieDark

    Thank you for this.
    Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
    I have never seen my own feelings spelled out so perfectly by another person. You were right about the triggers, particularly the alcoholic breath and growling in your ear. I’m right there with you.
    For me, it was my dad, and while I got out of the situation, I have not yet gotten the situation out of me.

  • Mary

    I myself was abused as child in a similar way. Everything you talked about was exactly what I went through. I kept everything to myself. This is exactly what I needed. I just want to say thank you so much. I have been having such a hard time with it . I am seeking help and have opened up to my parents what have happened. Its so scary and hard, but everything will be okay. I admire your strength and courage so much. And again I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. It really has helped me with my journey.

  • Papermate

    I was harrassed at my last workplace. I went to HR and they brushed off my concerns. I quit. I worked there for 6 years. I was one of their best workers if not the best but none of that mattered. My biggest regret is not confronting my harrasser and telling him to leave me alone. Not only do I feel anger at the company I also feel anger at my co-workers who turned a blind eye to what was happening because they didn’t want to get involved. I realized women are still not respected and if we complain about anything we’re treated as being hysterical and irrational. I’ve lost faith human beings to do the right thing.

  • Anonymous

    My heart goes out to you. My parents were pretty bad…physical beatings, emotional and verbal abuse but never sexual. No one’s ever sexually touched me, however the scars of what they did stay with me. I quit speaking to my father and only stay in touch with my mom but very sparingly. I only see here once or twice a year.

    Did your family or at least your parents ever acknowledge what happened?

    I find it sad how the abusers are good actors and don’t believe the abused.

    🙁

  • AmyKate Gowland

    My mother died before I ever confronted the situation and my father believed me but belittles it , like it wasn’t that bad. He claims that my uncle,”didn’t mean to hurt me.” it makes me crazy to hear that. For many reasons my father and I are no longer in contact. I was also abused by my mother but not sexually and it did as much damage as the sexual abuse if not more. So I understand your pain. I write about it on my website if you want to join me at http://www.nolongerhidingout.com. I’d love to have you.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    I’m so sorry that happened to you. At least you had the courage to leave the situation. I never directly confronted any of my abusers and I regret that. I know what you mean. But sometimes you just have to know that you were in the right and that they are living with all of that bad karma. You will find a better place where people respect you and next time someone disrespects you you will know to confront them.
    Much Love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKateGowland

    Thank you for writing. It makes me feel less alone with every response I get that there are others out there that experienced what I did. If you want you can join me on my website. I am building a community of survivors all of which feel alone but have experienced the same things. http://www.nolongerhidingout.com. I’d love to see you there.
    Much love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    You probably never will. I still go through periods of darkness. I get triggered and then I spiral. It is a part of who I am but I also have wonder qualities of depth and understanding that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been through all that Ive been through. I’d love it if you would join me on my website. It is designed for survivors and I am building a community of people who all feel alone but we have all experienced the same things. http://www.nolongerhidingout.com. I’d love to see you there.
    Much love,
    AmyKate

  • AmyKate Gowland

    You are so welcome. Thank you for reading.
    much love,
    AmyKate

  • Christy Crouse

    My father abused me for many years, I suffered in silence and when I was older I was speaking with a friend about it who told my brother and my brother told my accusatory mother who denied it, then accepted it and defended herself, she made it about her… Even after my father died she would say that because I told her that I ruined her happiness with my father in the last days of his life….

    And the most confusing parts to the story were my physical response, I had orgasims while he did it, I thought I liked it, I even thought I seduced him, I mean a 6 year old could be seductive right? (sarcasm intended)

    I also loved him, and proudly boasted that I was “Daddy’s little girl” and now that song makes me cringe…

    I forgive him though, I told him that I forgave him so he would have peace…. But I never forgave myself, well now I’m learning to forgive myself, day by day and it is these experiences that help me in knowing I’m not alone, thank you for writing it, I don’t know you but I love you, and I love the little girl inside of you who is learning to heal in this progressive process called life 🙂

  • Gee

    I was abused by my teacher when I was 16. I used to have feelings for him, you know as a teenager I had this strange mix of admiring him, looking up to him and being physically attracted to him. He was 40-something, I wasn’t sure exactly what is that I was feeling, but I believed it’s just a phase that I can’t take seriously, and that it will pass soon and that it was better not to act on those feelings or do anything about them. I never wanted anything from him. But I guess he knew some how (well, I never managed to make my feelings not show on my face) and he started to get closer, be nice to me and favour me to the other students. Then one day we were alone in his office, and he abused me both verbally and physically. I was shocked that it took me a really, really long time to realize that I’d been abused. I thought he was falling in love with me at first!. Then I slowly started seeing the truth and pulled myself away from him. I cut every contact with him, and I never told anyone what really happened. I’m 27 now, but I can’t get over it. I still feel angry and guilty at the same time, and I still blame myself for not standing up for myself. It kills me that he just got away with it and I keep wondering all the time how many other girls he did that with after me (and even before me) and if he even remember.

  • Tiffinee martin

    I was abused as a young child first flash back was when I was 5. Much later I discoved I was home alone alot a a child. When I was 13 my uncle abused me in his truck off and on for 4 years. I suffer major mood problems and hallucinations, voices suicidal behavior. Im suicide free now im on medication..

  • Tiffinee martin

    THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. YOU ARE DEFINITELY A SURVIVOR!!!!!

  • tiamakia

    Hi I am tiamakia in this is my story I just began to speak out about my abuse when I was 19 yrs old to one person but my abuser was already in jail for abusing other children in woman so at twenty four years old I felt no one listened to me so I spoke out againg in people listen to me people saw my hurt people saw my pain theres someone out there that will listening so never stop telling your story of abuse until some hears you it drug me under for so long in my life that I built up a person I pretend to be that was strong a warrior that no one could defeated I was the person that perfect cause it was something I felt I was missing I thought I was in love a few times over in over again looking for a shield to hide under but them relationship I felt i had gave my all to just left me too but just when I thought I found the love of my life but really I was searching for Someone to fill the void from when I was molested in all the people that left me that I loved but really he had issues also but I delt with him hoping it would get better he knew all my flaws my hurt my pain but he took that to the advantage we started fight physicly in i began to think that it was ok I trusted him i gave him six years of my life just as my family trusted my auntie boi friend that molested me at the age of 13 on several different occasions he had it so good he was so close to my family he was able to just pick me my brother in cousin up in take us with him out to places he was able to stay the night also in them were some of the worse times in my life but now I’m a surviver I’m free its a releave to get it out I’m starting a new beginning for my new life but this is my stroy ..

  • Aaron

    I really admire your strength to come forward with your story, this has really touched me and made me realise there is still hope to overcome the severe effects of child sex abuse.
    Though I am male, it was two of my uncles who sexually abused me. It all began from the age of 7, when my elder uncle would jump to the opportunity to babysit me, this went on for several years till I was 15. Going as far as doing it when I was asleep with other people sleeping in the room.
    I told the wrong people when I was 19 (I’m also heterosexual), I had told my aunt who was in a success based competition with my uncles and aunts .
    No one believed me and the worst part was that very uncle somehow found me and pleaded his forgiveness to me so i didn’t ruin his reputation(he went as far as getting down on his knees >_<). The other uncle did the same.
    Like you I didn't want revenge, I didn't want anything, I just wanted help…
    I never got that help from family or even friends but it helped me to grow strong internally.
    But it is still to this day the basis of my severe depression and self harm from the age of 16 has led me to ruin my entire left arm.
    I am proud of you how you dealt with everything, though I am still in my early 20s I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be for myself. I don't know how I will seek help but I won't give up.
    TL;DR
    Very similar experience.

  • Eric1002

    I am a male that was sexually molested and raped by an older male cousin. I am older now, but this happened starting at the age of 6 until the age of 11-12. I attempted to tell my mother after the second or third time it happened and was called a liar. My mother told me if I said that again it could disrupt the family and she never wanted to hear me talk like that again. My mother continued to take me to my cousins for babysitting, an he continued the abuse. Being called a liar by the only person (mother) that I trusted and believed would protect me, made me unsure what I was supposed to do to make it stopped, the abuse went on for another 5 years, as a teenager I began acting out, running away, using drugs or alcohol, and was arrested numerous times, finally being placed in group homes for trouble teens. My aggression grew worse and when released I actted out in violence against everyone, all the time. I continued to get arrested into early adult hood for extreme violence. I ran into my abuser as an adult and wanted to confront him, but when I approached him, I could not find the words, so I instead punched himk with every ounce of might and put him in the hospital where he required plastic surgery to fix his nose and face. Once that occured, my entire family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, told me I was not permitted to ever return to their home because I had assaulted my older (10 years my senior) cousin, who was liked by the entire family. My grandparents died without knowing the truth, I did not attend the funeral or burial. Nobody knows what happened to me, and at this point my mom would probably deny ever being told by me and telling me to never say something like that again. This chain of events when I was a young boy has really played such a part in all of my choices, outlooks, and aggressions. It has and does effect my relationships as an adult, my girlfriends. With girlfriends I automatically am leary of all older male relatives involved in their lives, wondering if they are child molesters. Just enjoyed reading all the posts here and wanted to share my story

  • Eric1002

    I am a male that was sexually molested and raped by an older male cousin. I am older now, but this happened starting at the age of 6 until the age of 11-12. I attempted to tell my mother after the second or third time it happened and was called a liar. My mother told me if I said that again it could disrupt the family and she never wanted to hear me talk like that again. My mother continued to take me to my cousins for babysitting, an he continued the abuse. Being called a liar by the only person (mother) that I trusted and believed would protect me, made me unsure what I was supposed to do to make it stopped, the abuse went on for another 5 years, as a teenager I began acting out, running away, using drugs or alcohol, and was arrested numerous times, finally being placed in group homes for trouble teens. My aggression grew worse and when released I actted out in violence against everyone, all the time. I continued to get arrested into early adult hood for extreme violence. I ran into my abuser as an adult and wanted to confront him, but when I approached him, I could not find the words, so I instead punched himk with every ounce of might and put him in the hospital where he required plastic surgery to fix his nose and face. Once that occured, my entire family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, told me I was not permitted to ever return to their home because I had assaulted my older (10 years my senior) cousin, who was liked by the entire family. My grandparents died without knowing the truth, I did not attend the funeral or burial. Nobody knows what happened to me, and at this point my mom would probably deny ever being told by me and telling me to never say something like that again. This chain of events when I was a young boy has really played such a part in all of my choices, outlooks, and aggressions. It has and does effect my relationships as an adult, my girlfriends. With girlfriends I automatically am leary of all older male relatives involved in their lives, wondering if they are child molesters. Just enjoyed reading all the posts here and wanted to share my story

  • Disgusted

    I was abused at a young age, before eight years old by my maternal uncle. Then my brother used to chase me around the house, tear my panties off of me and have oral sex on me at age 8. Then my aunt married a man from Central America and he started feeling me off and would rub his hard member against me, every time I was around him. They had a baby and I would stay over night and he came to my bed and felt me off and when he finally tried to enter me, I cried out. My aunt told me that she ” thought that I enjoyed it!” I never went around them again.

  • When you said “We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.” The tears stopped. Something in me in my soul and heart and spirit shifted. A weight was released from my shoulders.

    I know I have a way to go in healing, but thank you so much for writing this. All this. You are so brave and have a heart of gold. I know the universe put your words in front of me today for a reason. Blessings to you. Grateful hugs.

  • L

    Thank you. Sadly, I’ve lived up to the statistic of having once been a victim of sexual abuse, being subjected to it again, as an adult. It’s so weird. Almost like there’s a giant “victim” sticker on my forehead. I try to be more assertive in life, to exude confidence etc. to fend for myself but I’m an introvert and I’m an HSP so I feel like I’m faking it. (I also need to do this in my work environment). Totally exhausting. Developing those skills has helped me at work and it helped me to get out of an abusive relationship after a few months (instead of years) but it still feels unnatural. I just get tired of having to fend off the world.

    And if I were to tell my whole story to someone, I think they’d find it quite unbelievable.

  • Jenine Smith

    Your story really moved me. I recently came out about being sexually abused by one of my older half-sisters after she decided to cut ties with me. And it was all over me not responding to her messages on Facebook. She knew she wasn’t good to me for the past 18 years. So, she tried to distance herself to make me look like the bad guy when it was really her fault. The sickest thing about the abuse that happened between us is that most people had no idea what was going on. I was also molested by my stepfather, but by then I was used to it. However, the abuse between me and my older sister started first. It was horrible. Everyone, including my father who’s not her biological dad, thought we were so close, but in reality our relationship was never all that great. Sure, she did nice things for me when I was real young, but somewhere along the line she either began to despise me or something went wrong upstairs.

    Honestly, my father was the last person I would tell, but I ended up confessing to him first. I was a bit hesitant about coming forward because he saw her as another daughter. Now, what I said may have shattered his view of her. He says he believes me and I think he does, but he’s also torn between a rock and a hard place (he’s told me this too). It’s mainly because I also told my paternal aunt through Facebook who relayed the information back to my grandmother. My grandmother thinks that I made it up because my sister made me mad. And she and my aunt were the ones who suspected someone abused me in the first place. Now that I came out, she doesn’t believe me?!! What kind of crap is that??!!! Who defends someone who treated them badly?!! I’m not sure if my sister ever liked her. She even bragged to me about sending her apology letter back down to her. She hated my grandmother for the longest time even before things came to a head eight years ago.

    Now, I’m just gonna focus on going to therapy and saving up enough money to leave Baltimore for good. It’s obvious I’m not wanted here by neither side of my family. Besides, I have nothing to hold onto here. I’m still gonna send that revised apology letter down to my grandmother. It may never make a difference and that’s alright. The only thing that matters is that I apologize for all the rotten things I said. I was a little mad that I had to change this letter because I wanted to confess to some of the rotten things that happened between us. But, what’s the use if she doesn’t believe me? Besides, not only will she be shocked that I said all this, but she’ll also probably say all the allegations I mentioned were made-up. When it comes to my mother’s side of the family, I do believe one or two of my cousins know about what I said. And I think it’s mainly because I told my cousin’s ex-girlfriend and her mother about the abuse a day after I confessed to my father. If this is so, neither of them have asked me if these accusations were true or not. No other relative has either so I really have no idea if they found out or not.

    Anyway, I knew I had to cut my sister out of my life. Not only did she molest me and stole my allowance money every chance she got, I also knew I couldn’t trust her. I was naive to think she would change. She just got worse as time went on. She would constantly remind me how I couldn’t live with her unless I had a job (so I could benefit her). Whenever I mentioned something about staying with one of our other cousins, she said I had to have a job just to do so. She would also talk down to me and say little stuff like “how I wasn’t taking care of myself.” I admit I’ve been in a hole for some years now, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been trying. She overlooked any efforts I made because it wasn’t to her standards. Last summer was the final straw for me. She basically took me out to dinner just to tell me that if anything were to happen to my dad, I’d have no one to turn to not even her. This was when I had problems with my aunt and grandmother. Like I said, she knew damn well what she’s done and tried to blame me. She didn’t care about me at all. She knew she couldn’t use me anymore so she threw me away. I would hate what she would do to one of her friends who were depressed. And this is all over not answering one measly Facebook message. I send messages out to people all the time and they don’t always respond. Sorry if my rant was too long, but I’m just so mad about a lot of things. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look at her on her FB status whenever she would update it. She’s just so disgusting.

  • Jenine Smith

    Man, that’s awful that no one believed your friend. A few years ago, I confessed to my father about being abused by my stepdad, but I left out the part about how the molestation actually began with my older half-sister. I finally confessed to him about her last month. So far, he does believe me but he has admitted to being torn between a rock and a hard place mainly because my grandmother (whom she treated horribly) thinks I’m lying because she made me mad. But, it goes way deeper than that. I was even planning on confessing to a lot of things in my apology letter to her, but I decided to change it to my chagrin. I’m still puzzled as to why my grandmother would defend someone who can’t stand her. As far as my mom’s family is concerned, I do think one or two of my cousins my know about my confession because I told one of their ex-girlfriends and her mother about what happened between me and my sister. But, so far no one has come forward and asked me about it on that end.

    As I said in my comment above, I had to cut ties with my sister. She was always talking down to me making me feel like I needed someone’s help in taking care of myself. Last summer was the final straw for me though. When she said she thought another situation like our mother’s was going to happen to my dad, not once did she said she’ll be there for me. I was naive to think she’d change now that we’re older. Instead, she just got worse.

  • Jenine Smith

    Amen to that. I thought I loved my sister, but over the years I realized who she really was….a liar, an abuser and possibly a pedophile.

  • Jenine Smith

    Man, what you went through was disgusting. If your aunt’s husband was nasty enough to try and do that to you, then Lord knows what he’s thinking in regards to his own kid. Your aunt should also be ashamed of herself. Did she know she was marrying a pedophile?

  • Jenine Smith

    Your story is just so horrible. Your mother refused to believe and continued to let you see your abusers? She’s just as guilty as them!!! Common sense should’ve told her otherwise. My grandmother seems to think that just because I was young (and also diagnosed with Autism at the age of four), I was hallucinating over what happened between me and my sister. When I know it was to the contrary. I may have been small, but it doesn’t mean I don’t remember the first time I was abused. It’s awful when your own relatives don’t even believe your story.

  • Eric1002

    It absolutely is horrible when family members, especially a mother, will not believe you, and you are told to keep your mouth shut or it will tear apart the family. I remember setails to this day, the manipulation he used, the trouble I thought I would get into if I did not cooperate with him. I hear so many stories where family members treat the victim of the abuse as if they did something wrong to cause it, or they are lying about it.

  • Rowena

    Hi there, i have been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by my husband. I am only now coming forward to the police because i have help with the womans crisis centre. Do you know what they will do or will i seem like the loonie who never came forward

  • Fer

    My 4 year old niece was abused by her grandfather and not even her mother believed her. Our family has fought a legal battle against my ex sister in law and her father but we live in Mexico and here laws are shit.

  • Frank_Truth

    Most survivors do forgive their abusers because they have no reasonable outlet for their anger. Forgiving their abuser is tantamount to accepting the universe is not just. Once survivors forgive their abusers their anger has no place to go but inwards. They redirect their anger at themselves, repress it, bottle it up, bury it deep inside them, internalize it and often misdirect it at others. They live their entire lives as demoralized, dejected misanthropes who believe that they can trust anyone, that they are prey in a world of predators. When survivors stop feeling angry, their anger turns into anxiety, fear, sadness, depression, hopelessness, antisocial feelings and suicidal ideation. Survivors then spend the rest of their life punishing, abusing and hurting themselves. I can help. Please write me at my aol email address ultraempathy I have the ability to heal all wounds.

  • Ally

    I’m honestly so confused and lost, sometimes I wonder if it’s true or not but the memory I hazy for me. I was probably like 5 or 6 and I remember my older brother inviting me to his bed room and he’d sit me in his lap and all I remember is that he’d put my zipper down and after that it’s blank. I decided to tell my mom because he too had done something to my other brother but my brother passed away and I feel like my brother that had passed away had hatred towards him. Now my older brother is still living at my house and I forgive him but I can’t forget what happened. My mom also acts like nothing happened but she told my older brother and he swears he never did anything. I’m sorry I’m rambling but I just wanted to tell someone.

  • Ashley B

    I was molested by my babysitters husband. There was an elderly woman who babysat probably around 11 kids a day. She was a very mean and hateful woman and we would beg our mother not to take us there. Sadly she thought we were just being kids and not wanting to go for more selfish reasons. I am the youngest of 3. I was 4 when it happened. My babysitters husband was old and in a wheelchair and asked that all of us children call him Grandaddy. He never touched me that I can remember, but he forced me to give him fellatio. I do remember that he did not have an erection and that he told me to suck on it “like a sucker but don’t use your teeth.” I remember getting spankings for no reason from my babysitter as a child and I was more terrified of her than her husband. I thought it was normal in a way. Now i realize she spanked me because i suppose she blamed me for being abused by her husband. My mom stopped taking us there because she heard that Grandaddy was molesting some of the kids there…but she never asked any of us if we had been abused. I held my secret in until I was 13 and I realized that I was molested, violated. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up. I tested the waters before I told my mom about the abuse. I told her I wanted to talk to a counselor and her reaction was terrible. “All of my children have problems I must be a terrible mother if you feel like you need counseling.” After that I thought to myself she won’t be able to handle hearing that and then I felt guilty for even trying to seek help. I i remember in my teenage years when i became sexually active, i would enjoy the encounters, but then the next day i would feel sick and ashamed of myself and feel so dirty. I told a few close friends and my husband about the abuse, which helped. My mom still doesn’t know, and probably for her own sanity she should never know. I just wish that I could unburden myself to her, but I think she’ll just go into a depression and blame herself.

  • Anonymous girl

    I am a teenage girl 14 years old. When i was 6 or 7 i was molested by my moms cousin. When my mom was at work he would take care of us. One day we were playing a game and he decided to “jump” on me. So he grabbed a blanket and “jumped” on me. I was underneath the covers with him. I didnt know what was going on i was really confused. And then i felt him touching me down there. I didnt know what was going on. And at that time he was 13. He just kept touching me and he told me to stay quiet. At that time i didnt know what was going on and i didnt tell my mom or dad i kept to myself. And everytime we have a family get together he is there, and i try to avoid him at all time. I dont know if he remembers what he did to me but i still remember every second of it and it still haunts mento this day and i have not told my mom or dad because i have a feeling they wont believe me because i was only a little kid. And i have a feeling that if i do tell them, they’re gonna tell the whole family and not believe me. And i have kept it inside for 7-8 years and i havent told anyone. I dont know what to do anymore.

  • Misty

    but what if there was a slight indiscretion by your father. and only once. I have carried it my whole life. But we got in an argument and I blurted it out to my family and now I feel quilt for telling the secret. Why do I feel so bad for telling my husband.

  • DC

    I believe you, too. Adding my voice.

    My “abuse” was the kind that I always expected would fly under everyone’s radar as “not really abuse”–being spanked in a way that felt sexual, being kinda-sorta-molested by a professor who’d befriended me, having another professor ask me during a visit when I was interviewing (as I saw it) for a law school rec he was writing “what role masturbation played in my life”–just shitty things that have no explanation other than Person X was a giant idiot and you shouldn’t trust them again. But for me the damage was psychological. I couldn’t really let go of this idea that all the bad things I’d experienced were (a) all my fault, and (b) too trivial to be worth staying upset about. When actually that in itself was the problem. None of it was my fault, and it obviously wasn’t trivial if it led to so much suffering. I wish I’d just had the fortitude at any of those moments to say “Fuck you! Get your hands off my body and your conversation out of my pants!” But I was way too scared of what others would think of me, so I stayed silent and let it all fester.

  • Amma

    I don’t remember precisely but I was very young, maybe 7 years old, when my older cousin would ask me to come sit on his lap and touch me between my legs and ask me if I was enjoying it and I would always reply ‘yes’ even though I had no idea what he meant by that question. I don’t remember when it stopped and my older brother started sexually abusing me, maybe I was 11 years old. We did almost everything except any form of sex. I was more sexually aware at the age and this time I experienced pleasure. I don’t remember how long it went for and when did it stopped. My older sister came to know about it and maybe she told my parents because my mother awkwardly asked me once if my brother had done something to me. I don’t know why but I said ‘no’. I know that my sister knew because I secretly read her diary because I wanted to know why she was acting strange around me. But she never tried to talk to me and ask me if I was okay even though we are still very close. Immediately afterwards our house servant also touched me inappropriately a few times. Maybe I was more mature then or because I had had enough or because I could not stomach the fact that a servant had the audacity to touch me with so much liberty that I told my mother while crying. I still remember she said that I need to be brave and stop crying over such small matters but she did fire the servant. In between all this I also experienced some instances of public groping during my teen years. Flash forward some years and my cousin has become a religious and respectable person. My family adores my older brother and he is the life of every family gathering. Sometimes it feels that it was all just a dream as only I seem to remember it. Not my parents, sister, brother or cousin.

    All of these incidences have messed up my mind horribly. There are feelings of guilt, hatred, loneliness, helplessness, anger, contempt and distrust. I have holes in my memory, sometimes it feels like my learning and thinking ability and sharpness of memory are affected by the traumas. Maybe this is my mind’s defensive mechanism. I am a 25 year old girl. I have kept many feelings inside me for a very long time and just want to chuck the garbage out. I have not forgiven but I have managed to ignore and move on. My question is if I do not tell my future partner about my past will it affect my sex and emotional life and how?

  • Sonia Helen Ponce

    Sweetie, ignoring it doesn’t mean you’ve moved on. It just means that you’re numbing yourself to your truth. Been there, done that, and twenty years later it came back to bite me in the ass! Although I appeared aloof and assertive, my actual lack of self love kept me from defending my young daughter from abusive in-laws and now, eight years later, I’m just now realizing that. I feel guilt-ridden and torn up about it, and am finally ready to face my past and heal myself and my now eleven year old daughter. God bless you with the courage to find and walk down the path of growth and forgiveness.

  • christine

    i survived with CPTSD for 30 years. ever since i was 9 years old, i day dreamt of suicide, attempted suicide countless times. it makes me angry to know that it was my father who sexually abused me and my mom who violently abused me physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally. now i am ready to cut them off my life, i’m going to move away and be free from the demons.

  • Daisy Esparza

    I’ve been sexually abuse and every day that i was leaving with him i was scared,afraid and horrified of him it is so hard for me to just keep moving on because i was only 14 and now i’m 15 but i still can’t forget all the stuff that he did to me

  • Laurie

    I’ve never told a single person. I don’t even remember much of it. But a day hasn’t passed in the last 50 years that I haven’t thought of it.

  • Sierra Hansen

    I wasn’t abused by a family member. But i was molested at a walmart when i was 13. I wanted to tell someone because i knew it was wrong but i was terrified of no one believing me. Now i’m 21 with a fiance and best friends. They know. My fiance wants me to tell my parents but i can’t get myself to do it. My friends tell me its my decision but that only makes me want to. I am honestly petrified of being called a liar when i would cry at night just remembering it or to this day i hesitate when someone says they want me to go to walmart with them or even when i need to go to walmart myself. Even when i visited my fiance in Texas, i had to stay as close to him as possible at his walmart, i was still scared even being three states away from the one my fears started at. I honestly want to speak up, but when i try, my tongue freezes in my mouth.

  • Johanna Johnson

    my own mother didn’t believe me that her husband was molesting me since i was 12. when i finally had the courage to tell her, she responded by saying “are your sure?”. at the moment i knew and realized that i was alone in this world. my entire family turned their backs on me. i even told the school and they sent someone over. my mom made me lie to them, i wanted them to read between the lines or hoping for them to read my mind and see that i was telling the truth. but no one did. i felt as if the school and my family turned on me. this went of for many years. i left my house at 17 with a guy. i knew i wast ready for this life choice but i was suffocating and no one seemed to noticed. i stop handing out with my friends, i stop doing things that i loved and NO ONE noticed.
    Fast forward a couple years, now 28. and i cant control my emotions. this anger i have lives inside of me and i don’t know how to release it. i have major relationship problem with my family and my current partner. i have bouts of depression and have suicidal thought.

  • Sara Dunn Thomas

    Thank you for sharing. I was the victim of sexual abuse from age ten to my early twenties. It took me years to finally come to terms with what had happened to me. My abuser was a neighbor. The hardest part of it all was that I thought he cared about me and it took me a long time to even see it for what it was. The feelings of guilt and the feeling of being “dirty” have haunted me for years and seaped into my relationships. Bless you for being brave enough to tell your story. It is reassuring and comforting to know that I am not alone.

  • It took me years to figure out why people just don’t believe you no matter what you say and how obvious the signs are. Believing you means that the world they view and the rules that they created in their head is wrong. Rules such as: bad people are easy to recognize, people aren’t capable of doing such cruel acts, if something that horrible happened that close to me, I must have noticed it, if a person that I trusted so much can be this insane, I cannot trust anyone. Without these rules, you would feel unsafe every moment of your life and it is impossible to bear (ironically, this is exactly how a victim feels). It is easier to just call one person a liar than thinking that everyone in his or her life cannot be trusted and everything they felt is not real. Their world would crumble down.

  • Crybaby

    I don’t know what to do. I want my mother to know but I don’t how would she react. She’s a county away from me and has hypertension, which is not a good sign. I want to stop but I can’t. It’s too shameful and Im not brave enough. I even considered murdering him but no matter how I look at it It’s much worse than the situation itself. Is that so bad to live an abuse free life.

  • Crybaby

    Help Me Guys. I refuse to live my teen years like this. I have my father with me but he got jobs so Im being left out at home at night.

  • CryBaby

    Then it happens.

  • Stephanie

    My step dad molested and rape me many times and when I told my mom she brought him into the room and I couldn’t physically/mentally speak keep in mind I was about 11 how could she bring him in there when I was a young child and tell him what he did to me and tell her. She didn’t believe me and he denied everything and I don’t know if my sister believes me. No one believes me. I called the cops but when they started asking questions my mom told me to lie so I did. I still live with him and I’m now 14. He doesn’t molest me of rape me anymore. I haven’t told anyone this because I really love my mom and I know she could lose her 3 kids and would most likely kill herself. I think I should kill myself just to end everything but I don’t want anything to happen to my little sister. My mom also says really personal stuff jokingly in public and at home not even thinking about how I feel. She brings up how I used to cut, me not liking to be touched, and when I cry because I’m really angry she’ll call me a cry baby. I just don’t know what to do.

  • Isabelle

    Thank you all for sharing. I was sexually abused and I fear there is more he did to me that I can’t remember. In any case, I have chosen to move forward and know that I have a choice to use what happened to me to raise awareness especially through writing. I love these following words you wrote AmyKate and these words are what I live by:

    “I think one of the rewards of parenthood is the second chance of having a
    family on your terms. I know I derive so much joy from having a family
    I created that is completely abuse free and full of love. It feels
    like a second chance for me everyday.”

  • lotte Pink

    Hi .. This is my story..ill try keep it as short as I can.. I’m 26 and female.. I was around 4 or 5 when my brother started molesting me,it lasted for a good few years and my behavior as a child was very garded and scared of human contact..didn’t matter if it was other kids or adults or male or female I just didn’t like to be touched in any way shape or form..my family thought I was maybe just painfully shy but I remember my mum sitting me down as a kid and asking if iv been touched in a (bad way) and my reply was (no mummy) to which she sighed with relief..I felt I couldn’t of said anything due to fear/ashamed/embarrassment ect, I just couldn’t say anything… Anyways I bring you to now.. Few months ago I finally told my mum & dad what my brother did to me as a kid cos I had this gut feeling that my brother was molesting someone which made my fear of what he did to me come to the surface if that makes sense ?. I thought telling them what he did to me would somehow make him afraid of doing what he did to me to some other poor soul.. Anyways I told mum & dad and of course they where sickened and shocked by what my brother did but my mum said she thought something must have happened to me at some point but naturally when I told her (no mummy) as a kid she kinda just held on to that and ran with it..she didn’t wanna believe someone had done something to me..I honestly can’t blame her for that..no mother wants to think that for there child.. I hold no anger or anything bad towards my parents they did a good job with me and my 4 older brothers.. Anyways.. Mum & dad believe me but the rest of my brothers..family..inlaws.. Think I’m a scummy liar which has gutted me, I honestly didn’t even think that my family would call me a lair and make my life hell. Iv gone from having all my brothers and nephews and nieces everyday to having abosoultly nothing… I’m left out of any family stuff and had a go at Almost every time they see me… My brother that molested me for years is a very smart guy and very good at getting ppl on his side which he has sucssefully done..he has told them all his side and they have decided to believe him even tho they won’t even hear me out..Iv tried and tried and tried to speak to my family but I’m met with verbal Abuse and threats.. Iv honestly tried to make sure that my nephews and niece are safe from my brother and Even tho my brothers don’t believe me I’m hoping even as a parent they won’t take the risk of leaving the kids alone with my brother..

    Ok so at this point I’m feeling alone..hurt..sad.. Iv started self harming again which has disappointed me as I thought I was stronger than that but I just feel broken.. I honestly don’t want to be alive anymore I just can’t see any of this getting better.. Please if anyone could give some words of wisdom please feel free to comment..

    I told my parents to save any other kids from possibly getting abused from my brother and Iv ended up with nothing and no one, I just wanted to keep others safe from him .

  • jj

    I’m 20 now…it started when i was 9 or 10 ..I once caught HIM watching porn..unable to understand what it was that he was watching late at night..I asked him , I don’t remember getting an answer but he would invite me to his room later on and it started with mere touches..I didn’t have a cue what he was doing or what his intentions were.. All i know is i hate him more than the world. It was my Father’s younger brother, he used to stay with us in our apartment and my mother was pregnant at that time. Whenever I returned home from school he would call me to bed and do things , there was a point of time when he would promise me sweet things in return for standing up quietly as he pushed himself behind me. Since he got several attempts to be alone at home with me , he continued doing this , I remember several times he’s made me touch his private parts and times he would lick and do it orally. After a while I stopped going to his room, I was tired and afraid of what he was doing to me. As a child I would often wonder why my underwear was wet and what the stickyness was due to . This disgusting asshole continued doing it ..I remeber once threatening him saying I’ll tell my mother what he was doing to me..I don’t think it bothered him and somehow he changed my mind and till date noone knows what he did to me. When he moved from our apartment I was most happy, as it meant he wouldn’t get his flithy hands on me gain. He visited occassionally, I avoided being alone with him in any room as I was afraid but he would ask me to sit close to him so that he can get his hands inside my pants and he’s done that a few times until I hit puberty. That’s when he stopped this. Then i stopped seeing much of him to my joy. Every instance or gathering I see him, everything floods back into my memory , the wrong he’s done. I feel afraid of confessing , He’s married now with two kids , He’s got a two year old daughter..sometimes I wonder if he does the same things he did to me to his daughter?

    I’ve always wanted to confess to my boyfriend this thing about me ; that I have’nt told another soul, whenever I talk about family he’s noticed the strong repulsion and hatred I have towards this particular person..I’ve tried dodging his questions many times because I’ve never found the courage to open my mouth and speak to him about it. I fear what he would think about me..I fear him forcing me to tell my family..I fear him not wanting to be with me anymore But there is no one I trust or love the way I do to him and the fact that he wants to have a future with more that I ever did shows how much he loves me, I’ve ALMOSTconfessed many times.. but never fully opened up. Never found the courage to do that 🙁
    It was once when we went out for lunch that we happen to speak something about family and that included HIS name; he stopped me and asked me if i would be honest to him about something, I feared it was the same. “Tell me what happen, I know something did, something you are not telling me because of which you hate him somuch it can’t be just family problems. Tell me whatit is” ,,I couldn’t lie ..I had promised myself that if I’m going to have a future with him, It is only after I make this confession, I admitted that there is infact something that HAPPEND. He wanted to know what it was..he asked me if it was something I said yes.. but i couldn’t talk further .my eyes welled up and I stayed quiet unable to speak..he saw how uneasy I was feeling and immediately changed topic , later He asked me again why it bothered me so much I said there are things he i never spoke about ; he listened to me calm and said I could talk about it if i wanted to or I could keep it inside, but ik I would want to speak about it..my burden would feel a lot lighter i got to speak to him. Nobody understands me like he does, his love and affection moves me but I’m also afraid of how he might react.

    I feel like i can relate a lot to this article , coz this particular person who molested me was also my uncle , that disgusting human being, And just like you do I hate confronting him, I hate when he asks me how i am and how life is , I hate how he acts as if nothing ever happend, I hate this truth I’ve buried deep inside of me. I hope he rots in hell.

  • jj

    I really want somone to give me advice on what to do 🙁

  • ANONYMOUS

    Wish I knew who you were. This is my EXACT story! I always thought it was my fault. I always thought it was something I wanted even though I never started it or pushed for it. I told my little sister to be careful and she told everyone and no one believes me. They all think I’m some sort of liar or something. My grandparents have no idea. They think I was a virgin until my current boyfriend but I had been molested since I was a child by many. This story touched my soul. I got the feeling in my stomach you got. Every emotion you described is my situation now. My cousin just confessed he tried to touch her too. Not sure if I should go on to tell the cops or just let it go, but it’s killing me.

  • Daya

    Thank you so much for sharing this! It looks like this was posted a while back, but given the recent Stanford sexual abuse scandal I couldn’t help but painfully analyze my own experience with sexual abuse, and I found your post looking for some online comfort and support. I’ve never told anyone this but the adults that were involved. I was molested by an uncle when I was 13. I was so confused because I was disgusted with myself, yet I almost enjoyed the attention because he tried so hard to make me feel important, loved, in his sick twisted ways. I never told anyone about it, but my mom eventually found out when she read my diary. The first thing she did was involve my other uncle, who happened to be a pastor at our church. What this uncle did is what really made me feel as the abuse was my solely my fault. Naturally, he prayed for me so God could “absolve me from my sins”. He gave me a bible passage to read, and that passage happened to be about prostitutes. PROSTITUTES. It was at that point that I certainly felt that I was at fault. I felt like a whore, I mean, I had just been compared to a prostitute (no disrespect) at 13 years old because my uncle molested me.
    My abuser’s wife also found out and she stopped talking to me altogether. I was also asked to apologize to her because of what I had done to her family. My pastor uncle made sure that I apologize because what I had done to her was the worst betrayal ever.
    This same uncle also ensured to get my abuser counseling right away because he was “troubled”. My abuser got all the compassion he didn’t deserve, he was painted as the victim by every adult around me. A victim to the Devils lascivious temptations.
    But what about me? No one offered me counseling. No one offered to call DCFS or a professional to help me deal with my trauma. The fact that I never spoke up about it meant that I was enjoying what was going on, or so I was told. My pastor uncle told me I could call the police, but if I did, to keep in mind how much my abuser and his family would suffer. To think about his poor children having to see their father in prison. It just wasn’t fair for them. Oh, and I shouldn’t worry too much about it because either way, my uncle hadn’t penetrated me so my virginity was still intact.
    It’s been almost 15 years since the abuse and it still haunts me. At 13, I was too afraid to speak up, and I certainly believed that what had happened was my fault. It’s taken a lot of education to understand that the only responsible person was the sick pervert who did this to me. I just wish I could tell both uncles how ignorant, sexist, and just plain wrong they were. I wish they would apologize to ME for putting me through so much.

  • Anonymous

    I’m 10, I bealive this sort of happening to me? My step dad would touch me on plmy private parts. Once he found one of my games and said my character looked sexy and that I did too and said don’t tell mommy. I told my mom and she bealives me, but when she asked my step dad he said “In quatamala that’s how you show love to your children”

  • cece

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have really helped me. I identify with a lot of what you said… Feeling ashamed because I liked the attention. This has been all my life, from what I remember never more than him grabbing my ass and tickling my stomach and hugging me and telling me how great I look. It wasn’t until I started breaking away from my family (aside from my uncle they are alcoholics, drug addicts, and verbally/emotionally abusive). I’m 24 now and saw my uncle last year for Christmas and it happened so frequent that he was touching my butt. I toot in my car after and drove away as fast as I could and pulled into a parking lot and just started bawling. I still felt like I was being violated. And I’m still so angry and upset that I never thought it was wrong before. I don’t think he’s done it to any of my other cousins and there’s no point in telling my parents because I know they will side with him and not think there’s anything wrong with it since they break boundaries too. Anyways, I don’t know where I go from here but I know you helped me feel less alone. Thank you.

  • cece

    And that should have been “I got in my car” autocorrect sometimes…

  • RepressedMemories

    I’m 25 years old and until recently I had repressed sexual abuse from my older brother when I was 14. My relationship with my brother has always been unique as he has been more like a father to me as he took me in at age 12 and he and his wife raised me. I have recently had a falling out with this brother and have had a lot of negative feelings and I began recalling memories about how creepy he made me feel when I was alone with him. Thinking deeper I remembering fearing being alone with him and although my memories are very broken at this point I remember him saying sexually suggestive things and one thing when I was left alone with him he came up behind me and whispered in my ear as he messaged my upper thighs. It is alarming how these memories are just now coming back to me, however I wish they were more clear. I am a lesbian now with a very loving girlfriend. I have recently opened up to her about this but I was extremely embarrassed to say it. It makes me feel disgusting to think about it and I hate to think about what my memory is still hiding from me.then again I question if this is even a big deal and if I should just try to forget it again. I want to deal with this because it may contribute to my overwhelming anxiety and some issues I have in the bedroom and how often times I am very put off when my girlfriend comes on to me. I remember that anytime I was alone with him I would get afraid and he would get this horny like mood on and I would swear that if he didn’t do anything to me that I would say something to his wife. Even after he messaged my legs and whispered what my legs were sexy in my ear I talked myself out of saying anything. At the time, I knew his wife would not believe me and my living situation could be compromised. I can’t think of anything else but that maybe my mind suppressed this because it was until very recently that I had any recall of it at all. Throughout my life I often felt the same disgust feeling that I felt when I was alone with him but until today have all the pieces fallen together.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for me as to where I should begin to deal with this.

  • Anonymous

    hi kiddo, I´m so sorry to hear what happened to you. What your step dad did is not okay! Your still a child so if an adult is touching your private parts it is not an act of love, especially not if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You should never let him touch you again. If your mom does not leave him you should definitely talk to someone else about this.

  • Nissi

    Thank you so much for your comments and article. My husband and I both were abused as children by family. We both have had abandonment issues, attachment issues, and overprotective ways. He came into my life I had 2 kiddos b&g I told him about some things he told me. We started our relationship on truth for trust. He has never harmed my children and they love him. Reading this article gave me many things to think about. I never thought I would be with someone who also went through what I did. I used to look for signs that he was like every other guy or even my abusers but he only showed fear of being hurt. I also was very careful of how I acted with my own children by not showing much physical affection. I was told that abused people turn into abusers. I know that to some extent that is true but for those that seek help it is not. My husband and I have helped each other heal everyday. We have become best friends and lovers. We understand the momentarily issues that seek to take our happiness.
    After reading this comment I realized why we said I do. Why we love each other so much. We were starting over for a better life. We do everything for our children and we even have a baby together. He was excited about that. I was too. We have a strong open door policy with our children and to secure them if an issue rises we handle it with them knowing that it is done with decency. Such as if they come home from a visit and they say someone picked on them we call and ask about it then we discuss it to the child’s comfort. We do not force them or even make them feel like things are just OK to happen to them. We let them know that they have rights and we will stand with them in everything.

  • Nissi

    You are so brave. My husband was abused and started using drugs at ten!!! In was taught some messed up crap and I thought that if you were abused by a guy and you’re a boy that you would be gay. I have caught him in some struggles but he has gone through therapeutics to help him understand that he was normal and that he was hovering the abuse because no one knew and he was afraid to tell anyone because they were well respected family members. He has never acted out in any sexual way just mostly anger. He gets tensed up around guys especially older ones. But for the most part our marriage is beautiful and we are doing the best of starting over. You are a hopeful person and I commend your wife of the future for understanding and loving you fearlessly!

  • magadelatierraoz

    When I was fourteen, I have been sexually touched by my friend’s father. I was shocked how none noticed it, on that moment there were my friend’s uncles, aunts and more family. Everyone were in the patio and my friend was taking a shower, letting that “man” and me alone in the kitchen. When one of my friend’s aunt came in, He backed up and put his index finger over his lips, giving me a sign to shut up. And I did it, for eleven years now to not worry my mom (she suffers high blood pressure).

    I ran to my house and never came back, my mother and sister would ask me why, and I always lied “she is ocupied with school chores” or “she isn’t home now”, I felt dirty, my trust was shattered since then. I still fremember his horrible hands over me and the disgusting kiss he gave me.

    I always wondered if inapropiatte touching was sexual abuse, since he did not commited rape. So for years I struggled to minimize it “He was drunk” “he did not rape me” were the words I repeated to myself. Also I had a lot of questions about if it was the clothes I was wearing (a short sleeve gray blouse with a white stripe across the chest and a black sports pants).

    Since then I never trusted when a boy would come to chat with me, and in some cases I was right. Since then I feel man just look at me for sex. I promised myself to not have a boyfriend, get married and have kids, because of my aversion to sex.

    Now I have a boyfriend, I really love him, and he loves me but… I am terrified about sex, and I don’t want to tell him that story. He would touch me and I feel really uncomfortable, He kisses my neck and my reaction is laugh due to tickles (maybe it is a psychological response). But I don’t want to tell him anything, I trie to shove it aside because I want to enjoy him, But is impossible, just impossible.

    I am very sorry for extending, just wanted to unburden, and I am sure it will be impossible.

    Thanks for your time, and I am so sorry about what happened to you, I am with you all.

  • I have a older cousin that has depression and I found out at my dads he wasn’t their I sheared it up and I was out of my mind and when I was texting I started ague him and I fixed it two weeks because my friend wants me to apologize to him, so yeah.

  • astrid crewel

    When I was twelve years old I had an eighteen year old friend of a friend try to rape me in the middle of the night in my sleep. I was able to fight him off but I was absolutely terrified. Earlier that night he was being so nice and I didn’t realize at the time that he was flirting with me. I punched him in the mouth to make him leave me alone and the words he said afterwards still haunt me : “Did that really make you feel better?”

    I hated him. So much. How could he put his hands all over my body, try to kiss me, to take off my pants and just smile, laugh, and say something like that? I almost committed murder that night. I went into the bathroom of my friends house after he decided to stop tormenting me and go to sleep. I picked up the hammer in there and was very close to losing it and bashing his head in. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Even after what he did, I couldn’t hurt him.

    The cops never got him. I never told anyone the full story for years. I was ashamed of myself. I hated that he still had this power over me. The power being : afraid to even touch a man, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, fear of the dark, fear of abandonment and of no one being there for me when I need them, depression, no sexual desire whatsoever, feelings of worthlessness, and two suicide attempts.

    I’ve tried my best to deal with it all but these feelings never go away. And recently I’ve been sexually harassed at work and it’s bringing up the memories of him and scaring me. I’m seventeen. Fucking seventeen. I’m having to quit my job that I love because no one believes me even though he’s been in jail before for the rape of a teenage girl. I just need somebody to tell me it gets better.

  • Gigi

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault and your mom should have believed and protected you. That is a parents job. Hope you find peace in reading everyone’s experiences.

  • Priscilla

    My mother and I used to have the closest relationship in my entire family. I trusted her; she trusted me. I told her every little detail that has happened in my life. And she wasn’t the most emotionally-available human being ever since my dad left, but I took what I could get. Then my stepdad came into the picture… actually he was there since I was three, but things haven’t been bad until I hit puberty which worsens it all. I can’t write about what happened — I can barely talk about it, but he didn’t touch me. I am still scarred. And it happened at least three times, I never kept count… At first, I didn’t say anything because I felt like I had no one to talk to. I couldn’t talk to my mom, and this wasn’t the type of things I told my friends. But I had one friend who had been sexually abused, and while she was sharing an experience with me, I couldn’t control myself and I spilled everything to her. This was the first time I actually recognized the experience as sexual abuse. It made me feel relieved but also so much worse about keeping it in. I just feel disgusting all the time, ever since. My life has dropped to an all time low. I don’t know what to do. The worst part is that I’ve been so rude to my mom lately, because I see her being with him and it makes me so angry. I openly express how much I don’t like him now, just to see if maybe that’s enough. But it isn’t. She says I’m ungrateful, and points out everything he’s done for me. Right after the incident, he had bought me a new phone because mine broke. He paid it cash and even got extra memory on it. Then I even begin to wonder about all the nice things he has done for me — and it keeps me shut. But I had issues with abandonment before which ruined my relationships with guys, now it’s like ten times worse. I feel so worthless. I have had another encounter, a completely different man, since it happened. And I just feel like I am throwing myself into these situations at this point like somehow it is my fault. But what really gets me is the fear that no one will believe me, which is worse than dealing with it. My relationship with my mom is already ruined, but if it gets any worse I don’t know what I’d do. I feel like my life is out of my hands — and the audacity of a man who I once looked up to when my father left, who also led me to believe there were nice guys in the world… I just can’t.

  • Sally

    I had a very similar experience with my uncle. My mother tells me I probably misinterpreted things and has asked me to try and make amends with my uncle, as I don’t speak to him anymore, but I still see him at family events, and my father says he doesn’t believe it. I wonder if I could have misinterpreted things or have false memories. I don’t think I did though and I dread my wedding day or if I have children.

  • ToppyTopics

    Great information. When I was little and I have 2 sisters, my mother began stopping my father from holding us on his lap, or tickling us as we developed. She was very aware of human connections and how they can become misconstrued by men. No matter an older brother, cousin, Uncle, neighbor she was conscience of it and after 5 or so she would tell my dad, no ticking. I remember him saying. “See, what are you talking about. They’re just kids, we’re playing.” My mother didn’t see that as a productive way of interaction with even my dad. I was not molested by anyone as a child or young adult and either was my 2 sisters. Thx Mom.

  • Mitchell Cole

    i was never sexually abused but I was physically. So I guess I can emphasise with you anyway. I was abused by my farther luckily he left and never came back. I believe my past made me a stronger person today so if you suffer from abuse I promise you it will get better.

  • Sally

    Hi, firstly, you’re so brave for posting on this website, you must be very mature! It is not how people show love in Quatamala. It’s really hard to accept that your step dad and even your mom (if she hasn’t left him straight after you told her this) are doing something that’s very wrong but even grown-ups do bad things. You have done brilliantly coming onto this website and well done for telling your mom, if she hasn’t left him, you now need to tell another grown- up. A teacher at school would be good, choose someone you feel comfortable talking to. I promise you will be ok, you’re a strong and brave girl. Good luck 🙂

  • Sally

    Hi Jj,

    A very similar thing happened to me with my uncle. I am now 28 and the only people I’ve told are my parents. I only told them 9 months ago. They have pretty much said they don’t believe me and they asked me to make amends with him.

    I still see him once to twice a year at family events. I get nightmares before and after going. Last time I was sat next to him. I cried all the way there and back. I only stayed for about 2 hours. I felt so petrified and overwhelmed with emotion that I went to the toilet twice to cry and I even cried at the table but covered that up.

    He acts like nothing happened. He makes me feel physically sick and I hate him so much.

    I’ve never told a boyfriend as, like you, I am worried they will judge me, that it will change how they see me and that they won’t want anything to do with something with peodiphilia in their gene pool.

    I also worry that he is hurting other children still and I feel I have a responsibility to protect them.

    But, on the other side, I don’t want to tear my family apart. I worry I may have imagined/incorrectly remembered what happened and if there’s any chance at all that I did then it is wrong to accuse him of peodiphilia. Also, I am not convinced anything could be done now as it’s my word against his. What happens when the police are informed of people who abused children years later? If I could anonymously and untraceably inform the police and they could monitor him, to protect others, then maybe I would.

    I’m sorry I’m not able to I ffer you clear advice. But good luck in whatever you decide the right decision for you and your recovery is.

  • Amanda O’Connor

    I was physically abused by both of my parents when I was a child. Then my mom remarried and her 2nd husband began physically abusing me at first then it turned into molestation and attempted rape. My mother and father never protected me. The day that my stepfather attempted to rape me was the day I finally told my high school friends what was happening. They helped me call he police and report him. I was taken away and lived with my grandmother. My mother wouldn’t speak to me for over a year. She called me the “bi**h who ruined her life.”
    The years of abuse have caused a lot of psychological damage and I don’t really have many people to talk to about it. I’ve only went to counseling for a few months in high school.
    I have abandonment issues, anxiety, trust issues, and of course PTSD.
    I dated a guy I met after high school. He was about 7 or 8 years older than me and took advantage of me. We ended having a baby together. My son ended up with Autism due to seizures.
    Back in 2010, I was sexually assaulted by school friend, I’ll call him “A”. I was going through a lot of things and this guy knew what had happened to me and I didn’t know it at the time but he was trying to control me. He had me convinced me that my boyfriend at the time didn’t love me and that if I was his girl, he would love me and take care of me. So being in the fragile mindset I was in at the time, I broke up with my boyfriend. Then “A” decided that he wanted kids and to have a “wifey” and constantly talked about it. He manipulated me into having sex with him and lied about using protection. Then he decided that he didn’t want me anymore because he found out that my son has Autism and didn’t want to chance it.
    After he threw me to the curb, making me think I was trash, I started having health problems and I went to my doctor. I was in a very bad mental place at that time from everything that had happened to me plus what “A” had put me through. I found out from the doctor that “A” had gotten me pregnant. I went into hysterics. The doctor asked me what happened and then explained to me that what he did was called “Aquaintance Rape” and that it was not my fault. Then I found out that he had done this to another girl. The other girl saw my Facebook relationship status (in relationship with “A” which he forced me to do) and contacted me. But when she contacted me, it was too late. She told me that he did the same thing to her but she luckily did not get pregnant.
    I lost the baby due to medical issues.
    I tell this story with the hope that other victims/survivors will open up about what they’ve gone through. It is very difficult to do but all you need is one person. Just one caring person to talk to and it makes all the difference.

  • Amanda O’Connor

    I know how you feel. When my stepfather abused me and I finally spoke up about it, my friends made me call the police. My stepfather was arrested and my mom blamed me. Its awful.

  • Pawley

    My cousin molested me when I was 12 and he was 18. I was brave enough to tell my parents but they did nothing….that was where the real pain comes from. It has been 40 years and my mom just told me he came to visit her the other day. I went into a rage with anger and said why did you let that pervert into your house!! She said, he is my nephew…and I replied…and I am your daughter! He tried to friend me on facebook, should I confront him and ask for an apology? Will this haunt me forever??? Am I the one being crazy??

  • Melissa

    Um I still get touched by my uncle still I was 9 or younger that it started and I tired standing up to him which just resulted in being ignored and over looked as harmless nobody wants to speak up against him or.sees it as wrong cause my cousin experienced it before her father stepped in and stopped it where my uncle ignored his brother my father wishes though my father doesn’t believe he means any harm and I get angry at myself cause I am suppose to stand up but what’s the point when nobody is going to listen anyway when he continues anyway

  • ConfusedandHurt

    When I was young, my brother barely a teen had sexually abused me. I feel as though he was just young and having hormonal changed, but I don’t feel comfortable with anything. I can’t. I feel sick. I feel uncomfortable. I’m even with a girl now who isn’t good for me. She swears her problems are worse, but I’ve never opened up to anyone about my brother. Everyone knows him and it’s too much of an issue. Am I overreacting?

  • Diedasecondtime

    A little background.
    I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the time that he and my mother divorced until he died when I was 16.
    He also abused three of my closest friends and no one ever told.

    I mustered up the courage to tell my mother and grandparents in 2011, almost 5 years after he passed and found immense support.

    Now, several years later I have started dating and fell for a beautiful woman. I told her my past and she was supportive (outwardly) but since has told me she doesn’t believe me and that I am a pathological liar.

    I cannot even begin to describe how incredibly painful it was to hear that the first person I allowed myself to love, doesn’t believe that I was horrifically hurt by my stepfather. In a moment, the world I had carefully crafted as a safe haven for myself, crashed a burned.

    But then there is this “If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you.”

    Thank you. You have no idea what your words did for me in that moment of peril when my world came to a screeching halt.

    I don’t know you from Jane on the street, but I’m giving you the biggest hug I have to give. Thank you

  • MTgirl

    Yeup, that’s me…two of my older brothers sexually abused me…one worse than the other. The one only stroked my ass a bit when I was about 13/14 and commented what a nice ass I was getting and turning into a woman. It happened when he was driving me home from the bus stop and asked if I wanted to drive. Of course I did, but instead of getting out of the pickup, he told me to just slide across the seat and he’d slide underneath. Doing that, my ass slid across his lap and that’s when he did and said what he did. Brother #2 did it worse..he actually had me come into his room when I was only about 6 years old and stroke his hard penis the first time. Later on, he forced me to give him blow jobs. This went on for 6 months or a year, maybe, I can’t remember. I’m 48 now and have never spoken about these events to anyone except my ex-husband..who treated the confiding in him as me coming from a fucked-up, redneck family. After that response, I just never told anyone else and kept it to myself. I’m researching all I can about whether or not I should confront both of my brothers. I’ll be honest, I’m scared to confront them..especially brother #2 because he is a total asshole to me to this day and due to my whole family being in a huge fight over our land, I’m afraid if I say something now he’ll convince people that I’m a liar. Brother #1 has fallen under brother number two’s spell and, because he is also guilty of abusing me, he’ll probably back any lashing out brother #2 will most likely give. For the most part, I don’t think about the abuse and, as a Christian, I have forgiven them. I’m a successful career woman in a very loving relationship with an amazing man…no, he doesn’t know about this part of my past. But other times I find my thoughts consumed by the horrid memories…I seriously do not know what to do.

  • Virginia Windsor

    What sucks is when your parent knows, has been observant enough to know, but looks the other way. Or pretends it’s not happening. Yes, both parents have their own major heavy issues but it seems to me the #1 thing you should do as a parent is protect your own kids from predators, even if it’s another child or family member. Made me feel like a throwaway for years. Like my only worth and purpose in life was to be used. Years later, when finally confronted, it was minimized and basically told I was making too big a deal of it. I have major trust issues and threw away the best relationship I ever had when commitment was required. That’s on me, but I can’t seem to break through the idea that I can only trust and be safe with myself. I resigned myself to being alone because I need to feel safe just to survive in this world.

  • Virginia Windsor

    You’re not crazy. I had a similar situation and I will never understand how or why parents and others minimize or ignore the abuse. Maybe they just don’t understand the despair and destruction of trust that results? Regardless, I think your anger is the appropriate response to your mom’s betrayal. Good luck with whatever you decide as a FB response.

  • Deep emotion

    My dad is doing it to me and has been since the day I was born I’m 12 and he threatened that if I tell anyone or the cops he would kill me what do I do?

  • Clara

    Tell so he can never touch u again! You have to do it the right way and tell a counselor in school….. He will than suffer the consequences!

  • Erin

    Did you tell someone? I hope you do! Please talk to a teacher or counselor at school! Don’t be afraid to tell them! They should help you.

  • glazgogirl

    I am so grateful to have found your story and your message. I was molested by a 17 year old neighbor when I was about 5. He took me to his parents camper and exposed himself, had me expose myself to him, had me touch him, and then showed me a “trick” and put a finger inside me. It didn’t hurt. It actually felt good. He told me not to tell anyone and sent me home. I walked back across the street thinking, “That wasn’t a bad thing? Why shouldn’t I tell?” I went into the house and told my Mom about the new “trick” I learned. I don’t know what was done. I am sure my parents spoke to his, they were friends after all. It was the late 70’s or perhaps 1980. No one knew how to handle molestation and sexual abuse. I think because my parents saw that I didn’t suffer any trauma, they never talked to me about it or ever mentioned it again. I never forgot it, though. It was this memory that occupied a place in my brain and would float to the forefront every now and then. As I got older and as sexual abuse began to lose its stigma and was gaining footing in the social consciousness, I began to realize that what happened to me was not normal or appropriate. Every instance I heard of talked about the trauma experienced by the victim. I remembered my experience. I wasn’t traumatized. It had felt good. I shouldn’t have liked it. Something must be wrong with me. I had no context in which to process what I experienced. I had a couple of encounters with an older man at church. He was my mom’s best friend’s father. He began to groom me, giving me candy and little treats, hugging me. One day I realized that his hands were massaging my undeveloped chest. I must have been about 8. I stayed away from him after that. I didn’t want to end up in a situation like with the neighbor boy a few years before. I wanted to be a good girl. When I was about 14 or 15, I was at mom’s best friend’s house with her kids. We were all playing outside having a good time. He came over to check on us kids, but I didn’t know he was there until I went inside to get a drink. He grabbed me in this bear hug and kissed me on the lips, despite my best efforts to turn my face away. I got him to let me go by saying I had to go to the restroom desperately. I collected myself in the bathroom and then charged out and out of the house and kept myself at the complete opposite end of the yard from him. He kept beckoning me to come back, but I refused. I never told. I just never went near him. I thought it was just me. Right before I graduated a few of the younger girls in my youth group commented on how uncomfortable he made them. I never believed the abuse was my fault, but I always believed I was bad because I had enjoyed it. I worked in the foster care system for nearly a decade. I never told anyone about what happened to me. As an adult, I realized I was spared because I told. I could see that it could have progressed to something so much worse. I felt, though, that I had no right to claim it as abuse since I had not been traumatized. I have struggled with my weight all my life. I have never gone on more than one date with any male because I was afraid I might do something inappropriate or let them do something inappropriate and they’d know I was bad. I really have made a point of not taking care of myself because I don’t want to be noticed. The only thing I’ve wanted my whole life was to marry not a perfect man, but rather a man who was perfect for me. I have begun to talk about it more with people I trust and who have experience helping children who’ve been sexually abused. I know now that I am not bad. I have a lot of work to do to become healthy and to learn how to accept male attention without being fearful. I don’t blame my parents, they didn’t know what to do. I’m not angry with the neighbor boy–my hope is that because I told, I stopped him from becoming a long-term abuser and therefore spared more children who could have ended up victims. The guy from church is long dead. I just really appreciate the things you shared because I’ve never heard anyone else talk about being aroused when it happened to them. I am grateful for you. I believe you.

  • 1nicely1

    Hi. Is it possible to talk to you?

  • jack

    Me and my neighbor used to play hide and seek and we would hide while everyone would look for us he would take me hide somewhere, i remeber one time i saw my friends i wanted to yell he saw i did but said be quite so i did. He always told me not tell anyone and i didnt until now. I remeber sleeping and dr. phil was on i woke up and my mom was talking to my sister, she said “I think jack(me) and our neighbor did the same thing.” she was watching about a molest victim.

    I dont know what to do its been about 7 years

  • Emma

    Thank you for sharing this. I know this is quite old now and you may not see this, but that you for writing. I would like to contact you to tell you a little of my story in order to make the thank you more meaningful, so if there is a way to contact you, please let me know.

  • ohnoitsthefuzz

    I know this is a long shot, but since you posted this only a month ago, if you see this PLEASE post an update. If you haven’t yet told someone, especially if your dad has threatened to hurt or kill you if you say anything, please let us know. I would be happy to report to your local police on your behalf. Just Facebook message me or post here with his name, your zip code (or the town you live in…don’t put your actual address though, that isn’t safe and the police can figure that out quickly). This way you don’t have to risk sneaking to contact the authorities. I hope you are safe for the time being. Please respond if you happen to see this. R

  • Cody Barnes

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with 3 of my relatives from the time I was 14 until I was 18.

    My dad killed himself, and of course, i went looking for love wherever I could find it. In this case, I went looking for my cousins, and I thought at the time it was going well, but I didn’t realize what exactly was going on. Ok, see my brother (2nd worst) has always hated me because apparently, I was my father’a favorite, so he acted like I was the worst person in the world. I was this whiny little gremlin who just always had to have things his way, and I was just the worst person in the world, and he would roll his eyes and grunt every time I’d speak and basically disregard my existence any time he could. I was basically the world’s biggest burden, and even though my cousin Brock would ask him to drive him to see his girlfriend a good 35 minute drive away and just sit in the truck when he got there, if I just asked for a ride to school, I was the absolute biggest inconvenience ever, and he would down me SO much for the small mistake of overstepping. Ok, this would make sense if we were young, but we were like 16 and 20 at the peak of all this, and the family used to tell him that he needed to start treating me better, and I thought things would get better, but eventually, it turned into all of them treating me almost the exact same way.

    The parents, Shayne and Jolene (my #1 worst) absolutely loved Josh because he could drive to help them do stuff and buy stuff for them and blah blah blah, but they acted like they absolutely loved him. He was like a member of their family and it was normal for him to stay there all the time. I was a massive inconvenience though. They’d talk about me eating them out of house and home (which led to me never eating anything that they had bought in front of them. I’d occasionally sneak food, but I completely stopped eating where they could see it) and like the mom, Jolene? She got to the point where outside of the house, she acted like I was completely invisible and she couldn’t see me. After a football game, she took several THOUSAND pictures of her son and his best friend Josh (not my brother, a different Josh who was also up there ALL the time) and I just stood around for a good 15 minutes thinking “ok, I played this game, you “love” me, so you wanna picture with me? ….right? So I just stood there for 15 minutes, completely ignored by the entire family and their football field photo shoot until I eventually gave up and walked away. This kinda treatment was not uncommon a lot, and when you’re a teenager looking for some kind of love, that “invisible” act messes with you. There was also degradation of achievements though. I could get straight A’s but it’s still be MASSIVELY less important than her dumbass son making B’s. It was the difference in a “oh, good job” and a “Oh my god! I’m so proud of you!!!” And I actually started playing football because she said I should, but still, making it through hell all summer and starting almost every game my second year of playing was nowhere near as important as her child. I wanted just a little bit of acknowledgement. Or maybe like prom? I’m too young to drive at this point, and I wasn’t gonna skip football (like her son the golden boy) because the coaches threatened us. I finally get out and rush back, but I can’t drive, my mom’s gone, but of course, they’re too worked up in their own two children to be worried about me, the inconvenience. The dad got shamed into driving me, and when I can FINALLY get back with my prom date, guess who no longer gives a damn about taking pictures? The same woman who snapped thousands of her football playing son, and the couple, the sons best friend and her daughter. Even though I’m their “family,” I’m suddenly unimportant again, and it actually pissed my aunt off, BUT SOMEHOW, they turned my aunt against me and made it my fault but oh well. She did that A LOT, and a lot of it turned into my fault because I called her a bitch… Jolene was a bitch, BUT A LOT got turned against me because I was crazy and whiny, but oh well. It strained mine and my aunt’a relationship for A WHILE after that, but oh well.
    And then we had the “jokes” that weren’t actually jokes. Y’know, the jokes that really play on your insecurities??? Like Brock saying in front of the entire football team during a break in practice that I was going bald and having them all laugh and making me absolutely hate my hair to this day because it’s not thick enough and I don’t have a straight hairline (straight hairlines are fucking recessive, leave my dominant alleles alone) or during a bullshit conversation, him telling a classmate that he wanted to get as fat as I was. (I was 2 inches shorter and maybe 20lbs heavier. [240 vs 260] Point is, i got to the point where I absolutely hated my body and dropped 60lbs, but still thought I was fat and gross even though I lost down to 200 and he gained up to around 265.) There was also the time he told me that I may not be able to get girls on my own but that’s ok because I could have the ones he got done with… I was already shy, but u don’t need the thought put in my head that I’m not good enough for anything that’s not your sloppy seconds because (due partly to the first girl I fell in love with) I STILL don’t think a girl could ever fall in love with me, and I don’t think I could ever be good enough for them.
    Or maybe the time that he told me about his two best friends: Josh and Josh, OH BUT DONT WORRY, YOU CAN STILL BE OUR COOK. …he told me directly that he didn’t care about me. He liked me because of what he could get out of me (a meal after a football game [theres also my bed, that I would lose every time he’d come over. It was just kinda expected that I’d leave and sleep on the couch because I’m submissive as fuck]) So, there goes the thought that I’m only important if you can get something out of me, but that’s ok! They were just jokes! They didn’t mean anything by it.

    I eventually got myself out, and I kinda repressed some of the memories while holding onto others, but I’ve been afraid to come forward and say “hey it was abuse” because if you weren’t groped, and there’s no scars to hide, nobody believes it was abuse. I came here tonight because my mom (who was actually driven to the point of suicide and spent a few months in a VERY bad place because of them told me that I was NOT abused and unneeded to stop acting like I had it so bad. My childhood WAS terrible, and it’s not for anybody else to tell me what was actually abuse and what was not. Just because I didn’t have scars and cry every day, it doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a problem. I was scared of them, and I always tried to be the best I could be to keep them happy, but it was never good enough and I never really mattered. My emotions are valid, and I wasn’t just whining, and I’m so sick and tired of nobody believing me just because I was a kid. IT MATTERED AND IT WAS REAL. I STILL BATTLE WITH THE SIDE EFFECTS IT LEFT ON ME. Don’t tell me it wasn’t real…

  • Tiff Heath

    Good stuff, just want to say thanks. The holidays have been hard for me for years and stuff gets confusing with so many peoples’ opinions, as well as those who are crafty at discounting my opinions. After reading this I realized I have family members who are actually denying I was abused, I didn’t even quite see that clearly. When as early as two Christmases ago, my brother punched me so hard in the arm at my aunt’s house that I went into the bathroom and cried and skipped the gathering the following year, and was scared how to handle it this year. Somehow all the stars aligned for me and I got to see some really loving supportive family and all the jerky ones ‘were sick’ or just not coming. Anyway, thanks for helping me heal and for sharing your story, sounds difficult. A bunch of it resonated with me and helped me see my story more clearly and their stories less clearly. I actually had a parent tell me I wasn’t allowed to ever think bad thoughts about my parents. How controlling is that? But at age 43 I am finally building my own life and learning to move forward. It’s weird though how even now, I feel like people can see I’m different and they still want to blame me for all sorts of stuff that isn’t my responsibility. Life long learning I suppose.

  • Tiff Heath

    guilt and shame are common in victims, I am pretty sure none of us wants to hurt other people, that makes us easy to abuse and keep quiet about it; all we want is to feel better. Do what you need to do, don’t worry so much about the others, they will be fine. It is an awkward, uncomfortable situation no matter what. Heal yourself.

  • Tiff Heath

    @disqus_ivX3D3Wm9s:disqus

    Agreed, that line brought me to tears.

  • Lizzie14143

    It is inspiring hearing you’re story. I myself was molested two separate people in my life. When I was young, perhaps 8 or 9, a neighbor of mine who was only about 15 threw himself at me. Often times, when my cousins and I would play with him and his younger brother, he made every excuse for us to be alone together. Sometimes, we would be playing hide and seek in his home, and he would deliberately hide with me so he could fondle my non- existent breasts. He fondled and grabbed me often when we were alone, and I was immensely frightened by him, however I could never bring the courage to tell anyone. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of myself, and I could not bear it if my cousins ever discovered what we were doing- rather what he was doing to me. One particular instance, is what made me finally stop being around him- he had tried to rape me. I recall playing video games at his house, and I asked my cousins to play in the living room with me because I was bored. of course, my assailant offered and although I pleaded with my cousins to play with me, they were too enamored by their video game. When he led me into the living room, he threw me down onto the ground trying to rip my clothes off ( at the time I wore many layers of clothing to try and dissuade him), I quietly struggled as I feared my cousins would hear us. My heart was pounding, I could hear him the rustle of his pants fabric as he attempted to remove it, I jostled and kicked as I tried to flee. Finally I drew enough strength to push him off. I picked up my fallen shoes, that had came off during the struggle and ran back to the apartment my dad and I shared with my family, and never spoke of the incident again. Only now have I gotten the courage to talk about it. Fast forward 4 years later again I was abused, and this time the assailant was my own step father. My mother remarried when I was rather young and I loved him nearly as much as my real father. However, when his and my mothers marriage was nearly destroyed, I beileve that is why he turned to me for comfort. He would often touch my breasts, and whisper lovingly into my ear. It was all so very horrible- it felt wrong, and he would act once it was all done and over like nothing had transpired. The alarms finally went off once he tried to rape me, and I was ready to reveal to my mother what he would do to me. However, the stipulation of my younger sister- his daughter- his family- my parents marriage was all on my shoulders. If I had told our frail family would have broken apart completly, and it would have been my fault. When I began to struggle, he stopped doing these things to be, but the pain and shame stills remains. I see him every morning, only able to see my abuser- the person so many love, I hate. He ruined the already frail innocence I had, and I feel ruined for life. Always with the weight of those traumas lurking beneath me.

  • Chhavi Chhabra

    Hats off to your boyfriend for giving you the courage to go and confront your family regarding this. I have been recently caught up in a similar situation and I’m hesitating to tell me parents because I’m scared they will somehow blame some part of it on me. Like I was very over friendly with my cook or I’m very careless about my lingeries that fall off my laundry. It would break me if my parents tried to accuse me of my involvment of even a single percent. I’m terrified but my friends are encouraging me to tell my parents about it, so I would.

  • sahana

    i was in my bus and i was physically abused . my friend pulled my hands and started scratching it with her nail and pinching and hitting me hard . i triend to go back but she was aa ninthie and i was a sixtie i cried and cried bu tshe did not leave me she left me with scars and bruises. i hate u

  • Belle

    I am now 20. Went through the same thing with my uncle. From ages 12-16. I’ve finally told my soon to be husband, parents, and my little sister all because she recently turned the sams age I was when it all began. I begged them all to keep quiet about it for my sanity. How do I transition into a healthy mind again… I feel so weak and defeated sometimes and just plain disgusting.

  • Frigga

    I am in the same position as you. My older brother abused me and my other sibling and we told our parents in the last 2 years. We told my mom first. She minimized it as something we should just keep to ourselves. I told my dad later on after being advised not to tell him by my own mom, to “keep the peace”. My dad initially wanted to report it to the police, but since has changed his tune and is complacent in pretending nothing bad ever happened like my mother. So they both look the other way and treat my rapist as their golden child, like before they knew. This is very, very confusing behavior to me…but I know how you feel…if you ever need to talk, message me.

  • Frigga

    you are not overreacting…sexual abuse takes a larger toll on the human mind than is initially recognizable. Telling someone (my therapist) freed me from a lot of built up angst as a result of the abuse…it is still hard, but telling someone, anyone was my first step in healing. I’m sure if you told your gf, she would realize that just because a person has a seemingly great life, doesn’t mean their problems are nonexistent. She would probably be much more understanding if she knew. I hope you are okay <3

  • Frigga

    You should seek therapy of some kind and tell someone…they should guide you in the right direction as to what to do next if you are still suffering.

  • Frigga

    Your mom was probably abused, unfortunately…I am very weary of leaving children with any men or women I do not know because of my abuse.

  • Frigga

    I’m sorry. I understand what you mean by fearing a wedding of your own or having kids…I am engaged, but honestly, I put off the wedding because I cannot deal with explaining to my relatives why my brother/rapist wasn’t invited. I will tell them the truth probably and I’m expecting a lot of them to never talk to me again after that.

  • Frigga

    You are very brave! I am so happy to hear you know it is not your fault.

  • Frigga

    I am in the exact same position, almost…I’m 26 and told my parents I was abused…they actually do believe me, but they don’t really care. They wanted me to act like nothing ever happened for the sake of having family events and keeping up the looks of a normal family for everyone else…but I refused after a year of doing so. For a while now, I have wanted to report to police, but I am afraid there is a statute of limitations where I am and they can’t do anything. I also fear for other children, as I know he also abused my younger sibling. But I am at a crossroad…I have thought about filing a civil suit against him, but without the cooperation of any other victims or my parents, I don’t think it would do anything. I am also afraid of doing so. My own family said they would disown if I “ratted” out my abuser/brother.

    Find out if there’s a statute on limitations for sexual assault in your state. The police would have to investigate. As for whether or not anything would happen to your abuser is impossible to know, but you may never know if you don’t try. But it is up to you if you want to report or not. In some cases, reporting past abuse can do more harm than good. It is a risk you take. Whether you report or not, nothing is your fault. Hope you are okay. Message me if you ever want to talk.

  • Frigga

    You should tell a counselor or teacher you trust, or a friend’s parent, another relative…someone who is an adult that you trust. It is your mother’s job as a parent to protect you and if she refuses, you have a right to report to someone else. I pray and hope for your well being. I hope you know that life can be so much better…it is worth living…I was sexually abused from 8-16 and did not tell anyone until I was 23. Telling a therapist set me free and I wish I had done it sooner. If you have access to therapy or a doctor, you should think about telling them. It can help you in ways you didn’t know were possible. <3

  • Frigga

    tell your parent…if she loves you, she will want to know

  • Frigga

    I am almost in the same exact situation…me and my little brother abused by our older brother…he still lives with my family and I moved away, but I know my parents still treat our older brother like the gold child, even though they know what he did to us. It makes me sick. I am so sorry to hear about your other brother passing…I hope you are able to get out of the living with him soon…you and your other brother that was abused deserve so much more…If you’re able to, you can always seek therapy. It saved my life. There is a better life out there for you, away from your toxic family.

  • Frigga

    You are correct about those who forgive their abuser…I did this as a survival mechanism when I was still living with mine. It wasn’t until I sought therapy that I realized what I did and why. I no longer “forgive” him and am trying to find a way to report him, though the possibility of justice is near impossible since it has been years. I don’t know how to let go of this anger anymore. I’m just extremely bitter and angry…not sure where to channel it, aside from crying.

  • Kanchan

    Reading your story just gave words to my story, the way u feel it’s exactly how i have felt.

  • Kanchan

    There is one thing I would like to ask you if you get a chance to go back in past and re-live the day when all this started would you do something different ?

  • Aria

    I was sexually abused by a girl when I was around 6 years old. I’ve never told a living soul and I honestly don’t plan to do so. I mean what’s the point?? Is it going to change the outcome? Will I gain my innocence and purity back? Will I feel like a young innocent girl again?? No. I remember asking myself this as I grew up. I began to hate myself. I told myself that because of what I let that “family member” do to me that was why my father wasn’t around. He thought I was worthless just like I did. Then I would start belittling myself in junior high. No one is going to want the used up and soiled girl. I felt so ugly and worthless and trashy and just ugh with myself that I tried to commit suicide. After junior high I was introduced to high school PE, make up, and this weird and gross thing called BOYS… I felt so bad about myself internally that I gave what I thought I lost to this guy and it was the WORST mistake of my life. I cried and I wanted to DIE!!! I thought because he appealed to the daddyless, low self esteem, young girl that I was, at 17, that I honestly deserved everything I got. I became angry. Angry at my mom. Angry at God. Angry at the world. Angry at myself. I was just full of hate and anger and I just stopped focusing on ME. I stopped caring about the things that I once cared about because someone MADE me become a woman faster than I would have ever wanted… so I understand. I’m still lost. No one knows not even my mom and I want to tell her so bad. I still cry. I still hurt. But one day I just hope to LOVE Aria again. Like how young 5 year old Aria loved herself…

  • purplerain25

    You need to get away from your gilfriend as soon as you can. She is toxic. I believe you.

  • purplerain25

    I believe you and tell the cops you must keep other children safe.

  • purplerain25

    Did you atleast report them to the police?

  • No one special

    When I was 7or 8, I was sexually assaulted by my uncle,
    Back then I didn’t understand what it meant, I was too innocent n young to understand what was happening I just thought it was some thing simple,
    After a few years when I was older, I learned of what it meant n was unsure what to do, should I tell my mum, but by that time he got a new job n moved out of my parents house,
    While I was unsure, I stopped going alone into uncle room ever again, afraid
    But while I was wondering a couple yrs pass, now he has a wife n kid,
    I’m unsure whether I should tell or not,
    I’m afraid that if I tell his family will break, I can’t stand the fact that it will all be my fault,
    The toddler may be fatherless, aunt will hate uncle n me,
    I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to destroy their relationship,
    But because of this I no longer thought of myself pure good innocent,
    No I thought I was disgusting, I hated myself
    As time goes by my hatred grew n I even thought of many suicidal ways,
    But I never had the courage I was afraid of destroying my parents reputation n heart so I made myself live through all the pain feeling worthless.

  • izitripp

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. This hit me personally because I was abused two years ago, by my dad’s best friend’s son, at 12, and even though it’s been two years since it happened, I can’t get over it. I told my parents and they told his parents but I still can’t heal. I’m getting nightmares, and all someone has to do is mention something small; and then I think of him and have a panic attack. I can’t get over it.

  • Joey

    I just saw this Post. Three years after the last comment. I have been married 9 years and my wife has been verbally abusing me and emotionally manipulating me since I first met her 12 years ago. I was too lonely to push away from the attention she gave me which I craved so badly. Five months ago, I began to stand up for myself and I sought help for a professional. She helped me break free from the abuse and I told my family and hers that I was filing for the dissolution of my marriage. My family, with whom I am very close, turned on me and sided with my wife. Nobody believed me. This was just two days ago. “You only moved out two weeks ago,” they told me. “You should give her a chance. She’s been seeing a counselor now and wants to fix the marriage!” Ah, but they don’t know what I know – that her emotional and cunning manipulation continues to this day. Beneath her seductive smiles and coy childlike bashfulness, behind her well chosen words which seem to confess her wrongs done, she is venomous, selfish, and manipulative. I spoke with her mother, who begged and pleaded with me to come back to her daughter. “We only just heard about this a few days ago. Please bring back who you were before. I don’t like this new you! Your voice sounds different! I want the old you back! The playful and optimistic one! You are being sucked into a cult by listening to this woman professional trauma coach, you say. She is filling your mind with lies and you are believing her!” I told her about the abuse I have suffered daily under for 12 years of dating and marriage. I told her I would not live a live anymore. I told her this knowing a dark secret about her and her husband – that the small glimpse of chosen words I had once seen shred into her by her husband over the kitchen table, just shortly after I married her daughter, was how my wife’s dad treated his wife all of the time when nobody was around. It was how my wife was raised by her father. Mean-sprinted, emotionally ripping, condescending, wicked, nearly evil words of the most damaging kind. When I had seen this glimpse 9 years ago and asked my wife about, she said that the closest family members knew and I was to never speak of it again. So when I shared with wife mother-in-law that I would not stand for my wife abusing me verbally and emotionally anymore and I would never go back to what nobody else saw behind the closed doors of my marriage, she told me, “I saw counseling and learned to deal with problems I have had. You can, too!”

    Everyone is my family, and everyone is my wife’s family, and my wife herself dismiss any mention I have of 12-years of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation as irrelevant, as if it’s something I’m making up. Only my youngest brother supports me. Though he has not seen what I have seen, he loves me and takes my word for it.

    I woke up today, two days after telling everyone, and thee days after I told my wife, that I was leaving her. Everyone is in shock that something like this has come up only a few weeks ago when I moved out. They all act like I’m going through some temporary discomfort in my marriage, something all married couples face – especially wife wife, who says I have no right to declare her an abuser and that only her counselor can do that.

    And then I read your post and my heart just cried out in praise that someone believes me!!! Oh my God, I can’t express what it’s like to know that I am not the only one who has broken away from something terrible, only to be rejected from those to whom I am closest.

    Like you, I am not seeking revenge. I have no desire anymore to prove them wrong. I will live my life this day in the freedom of knowing that I am finally being 100% honest with my emotions, my feelings, and my true authentic self. Those who life the new me are few and scarce right now, but they are true as their authentic selves. That is the only kind of friends I wish to have from now on. And as for my family? I will always love them and I will not seek to repay them with them with the distrust and dismissive way they are treating me, but I will no longer back away from their POV.

    At 50 years old I am just now discovering who I truly am and the me who has been suppressing himself for 42 years. I am an adult and I will live like one from this day forward: freely, truthfully, honestly, lovingly, kindly, and maturely.

    Thank you again for your courageous and powerful post – just when I needed it most.

  • Anonymous

    My own father molested/raped (I’m really not sure which one) me when I was only 2… and he got away with it… it still bothers me to this day… but I think the worst part was always being told to scream and kick if someone touched me like that, but when I did… nobody heard… nobody saved me… no one was there to help…

  • LoadofPewp

    Reading your story.. it chimes in with the bit that there ARE people out there that get the help they need and understand horrible things exist in this world.. but still here I am 35 years old.. living with a painful physical disability caused my by abuser over the last 15 years. I mean.. the sexual stuff.. I could have recovered from all of it. But here I am with a physical reminder that has limited me beyond peoples comprehension. But you go looking for adult survivors groups and they offer links to books to buy and read and nobody seems to be able to point me in a direction where I can find real help.

    To anybody who’s ever been abused by a loved one.. I’m sorry. I hate it for you. But this feels even worse as a male who has aged, put on weight, hardly able to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in. Quit telling me it can get better.. point me to something that can actually help me get better. My parents didn’t fight for me.. I’m beaten down to a point where I can’t seem to fight for myself, or the effort in trying to do so feels like it’d be without any kind of reward that seems worth it.

    I’m financially tied to these people I want nothing more than to get away from… therapists have been unprofessional or completely silent and judgemental. Oh, you were molested in parts of your childhood you say, oh you have a bum shoulder that hurts all the time and medical records and scars from surgery to prove it. You must be schizo. like WHAT? Have you ever HEARD of PTSD? I don’t have a degree and I think I’m closer than you on that.

    I need appropriate psychiatric, medical, and legal help. I don’t think it exists where I live for someone as broken as I am.. and persuing is likely going to end up leaving me out on the street. I’m not some young attractive person either.. you can’t tell by looking at me the kind of pain and limitations i suffer either. I don’t see a way out.

  • aidguis

    i’m a 15 year old female & i have been getting molested by an older boy i grew up with since i was 6. our mothers are extremely close so i’d always be over their house. he has a younger sister who is my best friend. when we were little , he would come into her room late at night , where we would be sleeping. he would touch me in spots i did not want to be touched and since i was always so scared to say something i would pretend i would be asleep and hope he would be done soon . i never thought anything of it because i thought it was normal . and that if i ever told someone about it , he would do something . reason why i’m talking about this at this current moment is because it just happened less than 30 minutes ago . he came in her room and starting rubbing my back , almost as if he was trying to seduce me . almost as if he wanted me to want it like he did . which is exactly what he wants . so he doesn’t look like the bad guy . he took my pants off , and started touching me , once again very inappropriately . and once again i happened to pretend i was asleep and hopefully he would somehow get a thought that it was bad & to just leave . let’s not forget about how his little sister is in the room . i just feel so dirty . the things he has done to me just .. hurt me . i feel like i can’t be safe in my best friends house and it’s upsetting .

    however , thank you for creating this site . you’ve shown me that it’s okay to speak up for yourself . & you are brave for the things you have gone through , along with anyone else who has gone through rape / sexual assault / abuse . we are all strong . and just know that i too , believe you .

  • Summer Camp

    Ideally, you would scream when he tries to touch you, so your friend and her parents wake up. Is your friend really asleep though? Maybe he abuses her too, when you are not around. But you have to stop staying at your friend’s home, and tell your mother immediately and report him to the authorities. This cannot go on. You need to get help and this guy need to be stopped. It is not easy, but remember you did nothing wrong, he is. Good luck.

  • Trinity White

    I’m 16 and currently being sexually abused by my uncle who is 47 I want to say something but I’m afraid of being rejected because he is a really nice person and I think no one would believe me. He’s also the father of my two cousins and I love them dearly I would hate to take their father from them and I’m afraid to break my aunts heart because they have been together before I was even born ..I don’t know what to do.i also feel disgusting because I also get aroused when it happens and i know he would use that Against me.

    He’s also really nice to me which makes everything even more complicated. He gets me things and takes me on trips with him and his family and I hate it but I actually like the attention he gives me. Please help me I want to end this but I just don’t want to tell my family and get the authorities involved.

  • Ivy White

    Update: I told my other uncle about what’s happening to me and I had him promise not to tell anyone and he promised not to but told me I should sometime soon and thanked me for trusting him with my secret. I feel so much better telling someone and honestly I wish I had done it sooner…the only reason why I told is because he noticed the cuts on my wrist and I broke down crying telling him everything. My advice to you is I know it’s hard to tell someone especially if the person hurting you is someone you still love as family but whatever the reason is that’s holding you back you need to let it go and tell someone you trust. It was eating away at me and I hated myself for along time and I thought that I could handle it and that it didn’t have an effect on me but I was lying to myself for the longest. Get help and say something no matter who that person is you have a right to be safe and happy and if anyone doesn’t believe just know that I believe you and I also believe that you will get through whatever you’re going through because you are strong you’re not a victim you are a survivor ✊

  • LB

    Big hug for that. I kept silent about being raped for twenty years. My family saw me develop anorexia, bulimia and addictions. They did nothing. When I finally spoke about what happened they rejected me and accused me of lying. I have my own family now and they love me.

  • Can it be called rape if you never says no? Can it be called rape if you conditioned to always consent for sex and sinful to reject it? Can it be called rape if the one who did it is your own husband who you never loved but forced to married?

    Can it called abuse if there is no trace of it? Can it called abuse if he never put his hands on you, never called you names, never yell at you but you got traumatized anyway? Can it called abuse if he did everything, destroy your life, dreams, relationships in the name of love?

    All people told me mature up. This is called marriage they said. I need to let go of my ego. He is psychopath and no one believes me.

  • Julie Ann Hayes

    I get so angry at times internally and then I hear voices and I wonder if it’s because I have t been able to shed the tears I should have when I going through it. The only thing lacking in therapy for me was not being comforted with touch. I need to talk about some uncomfortable things and with a friend but I’m so ashamed and still blame myself for what happened

  • Cynthia Santos

    At 4 1/2 years old i was molested by close family friend. Wen i would be dropped off at his home i would cry and get spanked for not wanting to be left there. Then being physcialy abused by one parent i carryed the horrible shame and lived my life thinking if u hurt me u love me. I knew it wasnt supposed to that waym nobody acknowgled my pain my words iam 63 yrs old now. It stil haunts me. I cant be with a man and enjoy myself i tryed tell my family but they didnt believe me. I hav nothing much to do with them now. I happy for ppl that survived sexual abuse. I hav not beat those odds. I feel suicdial my entire life.

  • Here

    I am 19 years old…I am pregnant with my first child. I was sexually abused from age 7-present by my own father. It hadn’t happened in over a year maybe even two years until one night I was in a lot of pain from a bladder infection/kidney stone while I was 7 months pregnant. I was laying on my side trying to stop the pain. My dad was rubbing my side because that was the only way to ease it and the more he rubbed the further up he’d go. Eventually he had made it to my breasts, playing with them, yes I could have stopped it but I was in so much pain I couldn’t move. My brother and his girlfriend were laying on the couch right across from where we were. My dad starts rubbing my side again and surely he started rubbing lower and lower, making it into my shorts. I jumped up and went and text my boyfriend and asked when he would be there to get me and he rushed to get me. I have avoided my dad since. I’m 8 and a half months pregnant, this was just a little over a month ago, what is there to do? I have a niece who is 6 months old and I’m so afraid that the same will happen to her when she gets older…

  • Cynthia Santos

    Julie ann, iam so sorry that you also have been sexually abused and hav to carry the pain the shame it causes. I too hear voices but iam am able to function. My childhood i feel is what caused me to hear voices i am 63 the voices hav been with me for 20 years now. Even thou iam 63 yrs old men continue to sexualy harass me. They blame me and i am celibate go figture i feel so depressed. Hang in there ur beautiful no mstter wat u desrve the best god bless u girl.

  • Mona Marie

    This is something I just stumbled upon. Perfect timing since I just told my partner a little about what my father did to me because I was triggered by something that happened earlier that evening. Also, he is a highly sensitive introverted man and knew something was wrong. I shook and stumbled over my words as I told him. He patiently listened. And as I found the confidence to look back into his beautiful brown eyes, I saw tears falling down. I’ve never felt more loved and supported in 40 years! I’m just beginning to acknowledge the truth of my abuse and how that’s shaped my life. It’s terrifying, but I will have the happy ending I never thought I deserved. You nailed it, I will no longer take on his sickness!

  • Kate Glover

    Thanks. That makes a lot of sense to me, having not been believed myself.

  • vaishnavi

    i was sexually abused by my elder bro at the age of 8 ..he used to undress me kiss me ,an would lick my intimate area but i never got , what he used to do with me , he was 7 years older, we were really good with each other,but felt like it is something that is not good…we always talked normally cause i thought it is just maybe some kind of a game,but after a couple of weeks i separated my room ,cause i felt like he is bothering me..though we have a good relation and he protects me all the time and he is a very decent guy and is very respectful towards everyone i still dont believe how he did that to me…we never ever had that talk..its been 5 and half years but everythings fine and we have a good bond , i dont think he even remembers it..i never told anyone , maybe because i never wanted anyone to think bad about my bro cause he is really really good..he never into a relationship even…but now i feel like i have been fooling around like i never have told anyone that i had been kissed and all..in truth and dare games and all…