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Nothing You Do Will Be Enough If the Relationship Isn’t Right

Unhappy Couple

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.” ~Unknown

A couple of months ago my dear friend and I were chatting over coffee.

The subject turned into past relationships and the reasons why they didn’t work. My friend shared a story about her ex-fiancé—one of those this-clearly-isn’t-going-to-work-but-I-sure-will-try-my-hardest-since-I-don’t-give-up ones. Yeah, that kind.

It’s the kind of story that, telling it now, with hindsight and time on our sides, seems absurd. It’s the kind of story you think only happens to other people—the kind you never want to admit is a part of you. The details may be different, but most of us are familiar with the story’s main plot.

Maybe it involves someone lying, someone leaving, or someone cheating. Maybe it involves a dramatic climax like someone crashing your car, jumping out of your moving car, or disappearing for days (yes, all these happened).

It’s the time when someone went too far and then maybe tried to backtrack. It’s the moment when you feel like you are having an out-of-body experience because you don’t recognize yourself or the person in front of you.

They all end the same, those stories. The grand finale involves your heart being shattered into fragments so small that you think you will never heal, but eventually you do.

This particular story ended with my friend telling me, “You know, it’s never enough when the person’s not the one.”

I made her stop and repeat that.

It’s such a simple, sensible, and yes, obvious idea, but for some reason when you are in the midst of a relationship that clearly isn’t going to work out, it can be so hard to see this, know it, accept it, and end it.

We reflected how in the past we buckled up and stayed on, committed to a fault, trying everything in our power to make the doomed relationship work.

Loyalty prevailed over logic. Lines blurred and things appeared acceptable, even though they were far from it. Giving up wasn’t an option, yet somehow crying, begging, yelling, excusing, and rationalizing seemed completely reasonable.

Instead of just gracefully letting the relationship go and moving on, we stayed until finally, we hit our breaking points. (Coincidentally, our breaking points involved a lot of crying, hiccupped breathing, and being huddled on the floor—not pretty, but hey, it’s the truth.)

How much trouble, anxiety, worry, stress, and time would we have saved had we listened to what our intuition had been telling us all along—or at least way before the floor became our friend?

“It’s never enough when the person’s not the one.”

Do relationships take work? Absolutely. But there’s a difference between doing the work needed and working yourself to the ground. There’s a difference between giving what’s necessary and giving your whole self away.

Sometimes it may feel like things are falling into place or transforming for the better, but eventually it turns bad again. Because ultimately, when the person is not the one, no amount of trying, praying, begging, wishing, or hoping can change that. And that is a blessing in disguise—even if you can’t see it right away.

When I think of the best relationships I have had—friendships, romances, colleagues, mentors—they all have one thing in common. They came easily, naturally, and without the drama of crying, cursing, screaming, hair pulling, and intervention from my loved ones.

Was every moment picture perfect and the stuff movies are made of? Of course not. But always, the laughter and smiles outweighed the frustrations and tears.

I will say this, though. That was then; this is now.

It may have taken me a while to learn the lesson that relationships aren’t meant to be so difficult—at least not all the time—but now that I have learned it, I hope to never forget it.

I believe I’ve become better at acknowledging what falls in the normal boundaries of a healthy relationship and what crosses the border into that dark, stormy place that is difficult—but not impossible—to navigate out of.

It’s something I have to remind myself of and something I work on, but today I listen more to my intuition, pay closer attention to signals of warning, and trust myself more. Whenever possible, I choose peace over chaos, happiness over distress. Above all, I choose love—love for myself and love for others.

It turns out it’s just a lot easier that way.

Because the floor? It’s a hard, cold, uncomfortable place to be. I prefer to be standing on solid ground with my head high and my soul smiling.

Unhappy couple image via Shutterstock

About Angie Sarhan

Angie received her M.F.A in Creative Non-Fiction from Emerson College. She currently teaches college writing. When she’s not teaching, she enjoys traveling, cooking and writing—especially her inspirational, positivity-packed, sometimes humorous, always lighthearted blog. For more inspiration, you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

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  • Tir

    I found that dramatic relationships might be entertaining but they aren’t healthy. Easy is always best. Good reminder.

  • Liz

    I am in tears right now. I have never had an article speak to my situation so vividly. Its been a year since my ex-fiance and I called off our wedding, yet somehow I still search for clues that I made the right decision, even though I KNOW it was the right decision. Thank you for this article, I will read this and continue to embrace this message, as I believe it to be true.

  • Angie

    Thanks for reading. I’m so glad it resonated with you!

  • Angie

    Hi Liz,
    Thanks so much for the message. I am grateful that you found this post and that it spoke to you so strongly. I feel honored.
    What you did took a lot of courage. It’s sometimes easier to stay in a relationship longer than necessary for so many different reasons. You said you KNOW you did the right thing and that feeling is blessing. And the fact that you honored your truth and continue to do so is a gift to yourself. Try to remember that when you question or doubt any part of this journey.
    When you do find the right relationship, you’ll be even more sure of all this. Just be patient with yourself!
    Thank you again. Sending you positive thoughts!
    Angie

  • Kinilynn

    Great timing for me and this article! I’m in the midst of couples therapy and individual therapy to try and do what I can for this relationship. It’s that crazy senseless justification of he’s not abusive in any way and is a good guy, BUT….. he’s just not the one for me. I really appreciated the quote comparing relationships to glass, as women I think we have the society pressure of trying to make it work when in all reality it’s o.k. when things don’t work. That’s life, that’s the trial and error of living 🙂 Thanks again for this!

  • Ellie

    I wholeheartedly agree with this from experience, but a part of me also wants to believe that difficult relationships (not abusive relationships) provide us with opportunity for personal and spiritual growth, as tough as that can be.

  • Angie

    I agree! I think the key is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes the lesson and insights take me longer to learn than it should! 🙂

  • Angie

    Thanks for the message! I appreciate it and am glad the article found you at the right time. Best of luck to you as things get sorted out! 🙂

  • Broken Hearted

    I thought I had a good relationship with the usual ups and downs until I found out about 6 months ago that he cheated on me 6 different times with 6 different people over a 9 month stretch earlier this year. That’s half of our relationship. I’m trying to decide what to do now. He’s remorseful and trying to earn my trust back, but I hate this place I’m in emotionally. I hate feeling like a pathetic, writhing mess on the floor. Everyone thinks I should just end it, but there’s more to the story because I was widowed 2.5 years ago. I don’t want to go back to that level of loneliness again. By walking away from this relationship, I’ll be walking away from physical affection, great sex, support in daily life stuff, conversation, socializing, etc. I’ve got an 8 year old daughter and no family near by. I need all the support I can get, and trying to date with no one to look after her, as well as the idea of bringing another new man in to her life potentially…ug…I don’t think I can find a way to just date or even start a new relationship until she’s a teenager. I can’t afford to pay for babysitters repeatedly so I can date.

    I’m so torn up. In the old “am I better off with or without him?” test, I don’t know. Both options kind of suck.

  • Margaret

    the ‘good’ relationship you thought you had didn’t exist…run for the hills, you CAN be happy alone and until you are you should not look for happiness elsewhere

  • lina

    i guess the main thing is for you to build a relationship with yourself first. If he can cheat on you within such a short space of time, imagine furher damage if you prolong it. My former husband cheated on me a minimum of 3 times in our 32 years relationship. He infected me with STD in my 1st pregnancy, then months later had an affair with his colleague. Last month, he had an affair with a gold digger. These are the ones he told me…what about those he didn’t? Don’t waste your time, you are an amazing person, you deserve better than he. Otherwise he will continue to abuse you as he would lose disrespect for you knowing you would still have him no matter what abuse he gives you. Stay strong, sister. Love yourself first. You deserve much much better.

  • Mimi

    Totally agree with Margaret…I too had a relationship I thought was the one of the best relationships I ever had…Even after learning that he had cheated on me multiple times with multiple people, I was so hurt and almost lost my sanity yet I was still keeping him around because of the fear of feeling lonely and lost….Eventually you’ll learn it will only get worse and the main thing is that the love you once thought was real and precious is no longer there….Focus on yourself now…You can only be in a happier and healthier relationship when you’re happy with yourself…Many people make the mistakes of depending our own happiness on someone else. Be brave and let go! Best wish!

  • Stephen Fraser

    Excellent message…the only suggestion I would make is to change “the one” to “the right one” .. Because there’s more than “one” right one out there for each of us… 🙂

  • Stuck here for 15 more years.

    Easier said than done when there is a kid or kids involved.

  • Filitech

    Hi Angie, thanks for sharing. Seems like I am caught up in a similar situation and pondering these questions or dilemmas. Yes relationships take hard work and yes relationships have ups and downs but there is a limit to that. Unfortunately when you are involved it is very difficult to see the limit, despise signs that you would have recognised if it was a friend who was facing these dilemmas. Indecision is also a decision, and to me it seems I am currently stuck at that point.
    The article is a fresh breeze of air though, thanks for that!

  • Heidi

    We fight for an unhealthy damaging relationship because we don’t want to be alone. Interesting article!

  • Angie, I love this post and thank you for writing it. You explain the most deepest truth in the most down to earth way. I like what you said about relationships that worked: They came easily, naturally, and without the drama of crying, cursing, screaming, hair pulling, and intervention from my loved ones.

    In a small way, I think those relationships that you’ve described can serve us too lol – a reminder that we need to stay away from them!! And if you’ve had a relationship like that (one that didn’t work and with the wrong person) your thoughts here will resonate even more and even be more applicable in our lives.

    What you’ve described does take constant work. It requires us letting go of our egos, listening to our intuition and loving ourselves more. And the sooner we learn this lesson, the more joy we are going to find in our lives. Thank you again.

  • Angie

    Thanks so much for this message! Yes, it is hard to see everything clearly when you are in any relationship, but I think it’s great that you are just aware and thinking about it. That means you are on the right track. I hope you reach a decision that brings you peace–whatever that may be–soon.

  • Angie

    Absolutely. Sending you love and light.

  • Angie

    I agree! Thanks for that! 🙂

  • Angie

    Sometimes I think that can be true. Other times it may be we don’t know better, can’t see it’s damaging or a variety of other complicated things! Thanks for your input!

  • Angie

    Hi Vishnu! Thanks for taking the time to read my post and comment on it. I’m glad you found pieces that resonated with you. And I agree. Whenever someone comes into our lives–whether in a positive or a negative way–there is something to be learned. I’ve had both types of people come and go, but sometimes I think I could have learned the lesson sooner! That’s what I continue to work on today. Thanks again. Wishing you the best!

  • Angie

    I’m so happy to see everyone’s responses to you since I am just reading this now!

    Love yourself more. You deserve all the happiness, trust, love and respect in the world. If he can’t give it to you, I promise someone else will.

    I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I am sure that is still a pain and loss that effects you deeply today. But don’t be afraid of being alone. For if you are, it becomes close to impossible to make the best choices for yourself. Once you release that fear, I have a feeling your answer will be crystal clear. Be kind and patient with yourself as you figure it out. I wish you (and your daughter the best) and will be thinking of you.

  • Dee

    Wow, this follows so perfectly on the heals of the “5 Ways to Cope with Family Bullies.” Yes, this article deals with your partner in life, and the other deals with family relationships, but the information is so interchangeable. Great article 🙂

  • Apul_MadeeqAoud

    Something to consider but the other side of the grey is becoming so cold that you’re not willing to invest yourself emotionally in a person. No relationship is going to be stress free. There is no person on the planet exactly like you. There will always be fractures and jagged edges.

    The ambiguity in life is not knowing when its worth letting *yourself* go, and when its simply worth letting go.

  • Angie

    Thank you for such a nice message, Dee! I’ll have to read the post you mentioned!

  • Angie

    Loved this! I agree. Of course no relationship is stress free. And I don’t think anyone would wish to be with someone exactly like them.
    I loved what you said about fractures and jagged edges. My point is to know when those jagged edges are part of the normal friction and when they are more dangerous. As you said, it’s about knowing when to yourself go, and when to simply let go. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  • connectwithhisheart

    A woman does not even realise and one fine day her relationship with the man she has loved the most and trusted with everything leaves her to deal with life alone.

  • Danna

    Thank you for this inspiring article! Such an enlightenment.. relationship for me is a journey of souls or two souls that is so willing to share and give in. Problem often arise when things tips over beyond the limits of what is healthy and acceptable..easily relationship can crash down. How I also wish that relationship has formula which we can follow to get it right. But by far it’s always a test and later a lesson and not the other way. Yet, good or bad we tend to grasp whatever we can and learn from our experience..

  • MissE

    Hi Angie, thank you for this article.

    I am in the midst of a very painful situation where I was supposed to marry my fiance end of this month. Even though we love each other so much and we both believe that we are each others’ “The Ones”, somehow situations didn’t turn out that way. I suggested to postpone the wedding as during the preparation, his mother was literally overtaking everything. She wanted everything to be approved and decided by her before we continued anything. My then fiance couldn’t say no and wanted me to go with it as well. After many discussions, he didn’t think it was an issue.

    To cut the long story short, we mutually decided to take time apart by breaking up as we couldn’t come to an agreement. He wanted us to settle down first so that we can have the identity as husband and wife, then we could manage problems as a married couple. I couldn’t take that risk and proposed that we use this time to work on us first before getting married. Yes, I broke the engagement but was still willing to work on our relationship before settling. He saw the breaking of engagement as a break up. It’s extremely disheartening and now, I’m just taking the time to heal. The future holds mysteries that no one knows and I’m letting myself heal.

    Sorry if I’m ranting but I’m trying my very best to stay strong. Letting time and spiritual guidance heal the pain. Amitabha.

  • Tina

    Nothing in this world is easy.And as a psychologist once said the best relationships are the ones you work for togheter. Of course difficult has a limit.Now if two people are not working equally the relationship will never work and if you are expecting easy options life just dosn’t work like that. Now here is something to think, if things come easy to you how will you ever know the worth if you never had to work for it?

  • Jen

    I’ve never commented on a post on here before but I cannot ignore what you’ve written. Please walk away from this relationship, he has no respect for you, you will probably never trust him fully again. The reasons you are giving to stay with him are completely the wrong reasons to be with someone. I’m a single mum of two boys, when i split from their dad i was petrified of being alone but now two years later, i run my own business, I moved to a village and made new friends, I don’t have a very active social life as money is also tight for me but I get out when I can and I accept that that is how my life is, when my boys are older i’ll go out more but for now i’m fully embracing being a mother and the time i get to be alone. You don’t need a relationship to make you happy, I truly believe you need to work on being happy within yourself first. You are better of without him. Embrace being alone, standing on your own two feet and not having to rely on anyone else. trust me it’s empowering! xx

  • Lizzy

    What a great post Angie, Thank you! Been there, seen it, done that 🙁
    Two years after my divorce i now realize that sometimes when the magic goes out of a relationship it means the magic has gone out of you…i think especially women keep on trying and trying while their hearts already know it has been a closed case.
    What i have learned is that you just have to either accept how people are, don’t trying to change them or quit. Decide for yourself if the things you want to change are ‘dealbreakers’ for you. If not, just focus on the positive. What you focus on grows!

    Still single after two years, but now gratefull for all the Floor Lessons i had in my life…;-)

  • watch

    i dont understand. this ..

    one of those this-clearly-isn’t-going-to-work-but-I-sure-will-try-my-hardest-since-I-don’t-give-up ones.

    when there is hope there will be a wayout

  • Shanker

    Hi Tina,

    I don’t think one has to ‘work’ to maintain a relationship. If one’s action turns out as a ‘work or effort’ that relationship doesn’t qualify to be one. One can see the quality of relationship, if the other party says just ‘thanks’ or worse doesn’t even recognize.

    One must find that ‘many of actions to be joyful’ and the other person appreciates them too. It applies both to ‘Friendship and Relationship’.

  • Shanker

    ‘Relationship has to be easy’. Well said Angie!
    I believe that if a person struggles and sacrifices everything to keep the relationship, it is a clear case of self-abuse. Probably that person is desperate to maintain the self worth through that relationship!

  • Angie

    Thanks for this message. I’m glad that the piece resonated with you–what you said resonates with me.

    Love that you are in a grateful state for the “Floor Lessons!” 🙂 Me too! I think that’s the best place to be.

  • Angie

    Yes, there is no formula which is why it can be so hard to navigate at times! I love what you said about a relationship being the journey of souls. Thank you for the message!

  • Angie

    Don’t ever apologize for sharing your experience! I’m sure everyone here is grateful you shared it with us.

    I truly hope that this situation works out exactly as it’s meant to. Something tells me that it will. Keep faith, stay strong and most of all just trust yourself and your intuition as you have been.

    I wish you all the peace and happiness. Thank you for your message. Take care.

  • Angie

    Thanks for the message! I think sometimes we can get so drawn in by a relationship that we don’t see it’s destructive right away. So we don’t always realize the damage we are doing to ourselves.

  • Melissa

    Thank you for writing this article. Two years ago I had to let go of my boyfriend at the time because he made crazy decisions and never tried to meet me half way. There were times when I told myself just give him a chance and hope that things would change. A few months into my deployment he stopped paying our rent and utilities and I knew that it was the end of our relationship. I always hoped that everything would work out but I also knew in my heart he wasn’t the right one for me. Today, Iam pursuing a two year degree in forensic technology and hopefully a BS in public administration. I am not looking or in a relationship right now but I am just going with a flow because my education is important for me. Later on I might find the right guy for me but I want us to be a team and work together not against each other.

  • Great article! This hits so close to home and this is exactly what I needed. My ex boyfriend decides to end our relationship unexpectedly because he thinks we are not at the same level of “love” and I wasn’t expressing my feelings the way he is expecting it to be. I have tried every way possible to make it work but he seems to keep finding faults on what I could have done better. It does feels like nothing I do will ever be enough for him. I kept holding on or trying to salvage the relationship because I thought our feelings for each other should be enough to make it work.

    When emotion is involved, all the logic seems to be out of the window and what I would have otherwise deem unacceptable somehow seems OK at that time. It’s time to realise that relationships shouldn’t be that difficult. And this quote ““Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.”” couldn’t have explained it better.

    Thanks for the article – giving me the reality check I need. 🙂

  • Rashida Sawyer

    so what if you find out the person you are with (fiancee is talking to other women) then when asked lies about it. them erase all emails proving it.

  • Lesley

    This article is interesting to me with my recent past relationship. My ex-boyfriend dumped me a month ago. We were in a relationship for a little over a year. Some of the things stated in this article could have been the reasons why the relationship ended and why he didn’t want to move forward (but I really don’t know that). For about 2 months we began to have arguments about each others needs within the relationship. They usually centered on what support looks like for us. We would try to solve them, but it seemed like “band-aid” solutions. Many of these arguments involved me crying about something and all that I wanted was someone to hug me. And when he was at his weakest moments, he wanted someone to ask more questions about his issues. I tried to do this for him before we even had an argument, but then he would say your not asking enough questions or the right ones. When we got into our last argument, he said he didn’t want to fix anything more. I felt hurt by this because I was afraid he was going to leave me. At the end of the night, I told him I didn’t want to speak to him ever again via text. (I said this during one of my weakest moments). I reached out to him a few days later, thinking that we needed time to cool off, but when I finally met up with him, he stated that I broke up with him because I didn’t want to speak to him again. I told him that if I wanted to break something off, he would know, and that I wouldn’t have disrespected the relationship through a text. He also mentioned to me that when he thought I broke up with him, he said he was sad, angry and then grateful to not deal with the stress anymore. Of course, I was hurt by this, but I felt like there were things left unsaid. Later we had a “adult” conversation, (a conversation that I promised myself I would really understand and listen without my feelings getting in the way) in that moment I suppose I was doing things that he wanted from me in support. He stated to me, “why I couldn’t have done this earlier?” and asked “Are you being genuine/sincere right now?”. I told him that I wasn’t being truly aware earlier because of my emotions, and that it took time for me to realize how that support looked for him. I told him that we could move forward together learning from what we have learned, or that we could move forward separately. He chose the latter. I told him that I respected his decision and thanked him for telling how he felt and for the time we had. In the end he said “I was too invested” and that he couldn’t say anything positive about me in that moment.

    When people talk about “unhealthy” or “toxic” relationships are these reasons that make them unhealthy or toxic? I keep thinking every now and then that it was my fault in some way. I understand that I am not perfect, but I am willing to make it work. Was this person not ready for a relationship? Are these struggles reasons to end a relationship?

  • I’ve been lucky enough to never be on one of those relationships, but it’s hard to look some friends involve in that kind of drama. I’ll save this post for future reference for them. Thanks for sharing.

  • Gigi

    Hi Angie,
    Your article truly resonates with me on so many levels, especially where you mentioned that “it’s sometimes easier to stay in a relationship longer than necessary for so many different reasons.” I broke things off with the love of my life about 3 months ago and there are times where I am in constant conflict with the decision, letting my emotions take over. We both stayed as long as we did to try to make things work, but it ultimately exhausted us… it got to the point where I was expecting him to change. I learned a powerful lesson: to never doubt your true innermost feelings. I still think about him everyday but by being patient and at peace with my emotions, things will only get better. Thank you for writing such a beautiful article. I couldn’t have come across it at a better time.
    -Gigi

  • crushed soul

    I am in the same type of situation. Differences are it was my only son who took his life then I discovered the savings were gone, drug use, and infidelity of my husband. This behavior continued within days of the funeral (was not his son). I have no one. Life is about nothing but sadness. I had a breakdown, lost everything but my house. Now I’m considered disabled, surviving off early retirement and ssdi and in therapy. I got the strength from somewhere to get the husband out of my house but struggle to keep him out of my life. I am just so alone and so sad it’s very hard to say no. He says all the right things but I know better. Am I better off with or without him? If my son were here I would know the answer but. ?..if one more person tells me I will meet someone new I might scream. My life isn’t about romance it’s about trying to survive each day.

  • Snowflake of the Month

    And the 12 Step graduates look quietly across at the addict, refusing to judge, and also refusing to be led back in that dark direction.

  • Claisse

    This article spoke to loudly to me.
    Thank you so much, it always feels good knowing you’re not the only one who is experiencing this kind of exhaustion from a relationship that was once so good at the start.
    The hardest part is you never really know when to give up, and you don’t really know if giving up is even an option – i mean, you’ve both gone this far and spent x amount of effort, tears, energy and time on making this work so why give up this time or that time or any time?
    I feel like I’ve made the biggest investment in my life, the sort that I can’t just say ‘I’m done’, the sort that I have to keep working on because it’s my dream.
    But then I realise it wouldn’t be my dream at all when I’ve lost myself chasing it.
    Thanks again, Angie!

  • Jane

    I’ve read this article many times. I come back whenever I need to remind myself that my relationship needed to end. Every single word here speaks to me. Thank you for writing it.

  • Charlotte

    Me and my ex boyfriend are both 20 years old. He split up with me because he said things weren’t the same anymore and he wants to be on his own because he’s busy with work. This went downhill from January. I implemented a few days here and there of no contact then sent him texts to get back together it was always me getting back in touch with him but when we got back together an argument over something stupid made him not want it anymore. I then applied 2 weeks of no contact and got back in touch with him and we went out for the day and had a good time. Then he never contacted me since we went out so I have been really trying lately initiating contact first but he will reply but just bluntly he won’t keep the conversation going. I met up with him the other night and stayed at his and we slept together and he was really nice with me and then the day after I text him and he replied but again not keeping the conversation going and then I rang him that night for a chat and he didn’t reply he said “what’s up? I’m busy x” and I said “nothing’s up just thought I’d ring you x” to which he didn’t reply! It’s like he’s avoiding me! I’m putting in so much work but he will only see me when he has nothing else on and never contacts me first so I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse. I asked him if we can still see each other and take things slow and he said can do but he’s liking being alone. What do I do?

  • Tanya

    Honestly, it feels as if this article was written specifically for me. I knew from the beginning he wasn’t the one, but when I feel in love, I couldn’t let him go. Even when things were wrong and I was more distressed than happy (which was practically everyday), I chose loyalty over my intuition. Of course, it ended badly, but just reiterating and accepting that he wasn’t the one for me helps me for the future. Next time, I won’t fight for someone when I know in my gut it isn’t worth fighting for. Thank you so much!

  • Just seeing this now. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that time is helping heal you. I think you know the answer. Trust in yourself and stay strong. Think of what you want your future to be and don’t look back. Keep moving forward to the better things ahead–because there are better things ahead. Sending much light your way.

  • j pedz

    Never had I read anything in my life that made me look back, pause and re-evaluate everything than this article. I would not be surprised if a lot of people could relate to this. But hey, is it really your friend’s experience or you also have your fair share with this? Anyway, I just loved what I have read… Keep it up… You are making someone else’s day a little better. Trust me… =D

  • Lolliann R Bruce

    This is the best article I have ever read regarding relationships…

  • Nate

    I dated someone I worked with in the army but the relationship didn’t start until 2 years later once we no longer soldiers. I’ll be upfront I lied about having a vehicle for an entire year. The good I did was asking her to move in with me and she did. I took care of all the bills, majority of our outside activities too. I was faithful but not an Angel since I decided to stick to that lie. She was my world, we laughed 95% of our relationship. We showed public affection outside the house and enjoyed each others company. But once I told her the truth about my car situation things instantly changed. Before she dated me she had plans to get married but found out the man she wanted to marry was already married with an child too. I’m saying that I was wrong and should of been honest from the start about my car status but honestly I was afraid that we wouldn’t of been an couple. She has this amazing smile with deep dimples and laugh that makes me feel good. She was my night and I was her star. What I’ve learned to always be honest no matter what because what happens in the dark will eventually come to the light. #never lose someone you truly love over an lie.

  • Kat

    I can relate to you 100%. My advice in hindsight is don’t go on blaming yourself, when someone makes out that if only YOU have done something better it would have been fine when in fact you are trying with 110% of your capacities, analysing and thinking about these problems 24/7 yet nothing you ever do makes it right… Well, what I found is that once you get a bit of perspective you see that mostly it was really down to them to make it work. They got used to you putting in the effort, to your love and affection that everything you did annoyed them, they didn’t feel like they had to do anything at all and thus the relationship became a drag and not a joy. However, please keep in mind that a solution to such a situation is never to start playing some sort of a I’m-not-available game but LEAVE and find someone matching your interest level (or even better – exceeding your interest level)

  • Lynn

    I must disagree with you on that one doesn’t have to work or put in an effort to better their relationship. We are constantly putting an effort to better ourselves, it’s not something that you do once and stop. Why shouldn’t relationships be the same? The best relationships are the ones where both partners WANT to put in their 110% to make it work. Putting in the work to be more considerate, more loving, more understanding doesn’t have to be a negative experience.

  • Shanker

    Hi Lynn,

    I point out that you’ve only agreed more with me though you started as ‘disagree’! I underline your words ‘both partners WANT to put in their 110%’ In this situation, it wouldn’t be a ‘Work’. It’s like giving a sweet to a Child. There’s no ‘work/struggle’ there!

  • Maria Antonia Y Elgado

    hi angie. i have the same experience but a lot worse.

  • Maria Antonia Y Elgado

    nice story.ending a bad relationship is like putting an alchohol on a wound.
    “it hurts but it’s for your own good”

  • I love this story and i completely agree that “it’s never enough when the person’s not the one”.

    I did ask myself the same question so many times why it’s never enough. I actually knew the answer, i knew that he’s not the one, but i kept on lying to myself.

    Anyway, i’m in the process of letting go of someone i had been together for 3 years. it’s tougher than what i imagine tho.

    I just wanna say thank you for sharing your story. It’s really inspiring. Really, thank you. 🙂

  • Hannah Elizabeth

    Hi Gigi,

    I know it has been a year since you posted this, but it has given me a huge sense of relief to read your message.

    I recently split up with an amazing person, he was my best best best friend and I miss him every day. But our relationship just wasn’t right. We split up three times. Each time we got back together, my gut would start to tell me things weren’t right and my already always listening would go into overdrive. I was constantly anxious and felt scared.

    Breaking up with him was horrible, but I feel much more peaceful now, though of course, I am searching hard for an answer as to whether I really made the right decision here.

    I was wondering how you are doing now?

    Thank you

    Hannah

  • Kristin

    I needed to hear this at a low point in my break up. Thank you for your insight, inspiring words and writing this!

  • Hoos

    There is no such thing as “the one”. This concept implies that only one person out of 6 billion will be compatible with you.

  • Kate davis

    I split up with the only man I’ve ever loved about 6 months ago. We had been together for 11 years had a mortgage and a dog we were engaged and trying for children the works! But so many things had happened personally between us during those years it had literally broke us down and I eventually made the decision to leave. I found myself looking elsewhere at other people and imagining a different life ‘with them’ as such. For an example me and my partner split up about 6 years in and I slept with someone else he chose to take me back and forgive me as such but over the years to come he just repeatedly mentally punished me and controlled me. Although I still loved him. I had to leave and everyday even tho I have a new life now I beat myself up thinking have I made the right choice.. the thought of him with another girl literally kills me! And I no he’s not gonna stay single forever. I want to let him go but I just don’t no how! Can anyone please help me with this because I’m driving myself mad with these emotions everyday. How do I let go of him so I can just be completely happy again.
    Xxx

  • Marie Cortez

    I only recently found your article and like all who have posted prior it has profoundly affected me – as if I was reading my own story. My personal story has ended in what I can only call an emotional explosion filled with lies, cheating, financial decent, emotional and mental abuse and a fraudulent marriage of one year. I couldn’t write this story any better than it already presents itself. I was with a man that I knew from the beginning was all wrong for me but I folded every time he cried – yes he was the one who cried and insisted that we were meant for each other and I allowed him to take me over because I started to believe he was as good as I was ever going to get. He latched on to me from the get go and sucked me in for 6 years while he slowly built himself back up on my dime and my emotions until I exploded and confronted, cried, hit, keyed and ended up sitting in a jail cell no thanks to my husbands comment of he only married me because he wanted his cake and he wanted to eat it too. I could tell you about how many times I suspected he was cheated, the texts, the pictures, the late nights and how he wouldn’t have sex with me for over 4 years – and when I do I feel absolutely stupid and ashamed of myself and that I settled and didn’t leave when I should have. My soul is broken and I am still trying to pick up my pieces – he has taken the one piece of me that I always prided myself on my intuition – but I know I will trust it again and gain it back. This has been a painful lesson for me – I have lost my house, my finances, my love, my pride and my hope while he on the other hand has lost nothing and only gained another relationship after leaving ours and buried me into his past. Please don’t get me wrong my sorrow has opened up a great determination to get through this but man it hurts! I am still in the middle of it our divorce is far from being close to over and in the midst of all of it I have been diagnosed with cancer – that for which he does not care and that is a hard pill to swallow. I think the hardest part for me is that I was with someone that has so easily walked away, refuses to acknowledge me and has treated me like the gum on his shoe – in less than 24 hours I went from lying in bed with him while he held my hand and kissed me in the morning when he went to work to sitting in a jail cell because he couldn’t handle getting slapped. He went from loving to evil in just a matter of seconds and I will never understand how someone can do what he has been capable of doing – to me it just isn’t human to live as he does. I am just hoping one day I can stop trying to understand because that in itself is affecting me from moving on. I know my story doesn’t have a happy ending yet – although some would argue that I should be more than grateful to no longer be with him but he had a head start on leaving the relationship and I am still trying to catch up to that point. Thank you so much for putting this article together it meant a lot to read it and felt even better knowing that I am not the only one and that I am in fact “normal” – well let’s hope so ;-)! This believe it or not only scratches the surface of what transpired in 6 years and what has happened recently since the ending of the relationship and yes I did marry him – the biggest mistake in my life – and now I’m fighting for what is right and what I deserve. I don’t want to end this on a negative note – even when I say the I don’t understands and how it still hurts comments doesn’t mean I am giving up on love nor will I let this man define who I am. I am a good person who deserves another good person to come into my life and I am starting to put down in words the qualities in a man I am looking for but before I can do that I must make sure I fix my broken pieces and find the qualities of me first and then I have to believe them – that is where my true fight is. If my little essay helps any other woman to relate and know she is not alone then I have served my purpose – love will prevail! Believe it! 😉

  • 123

    Maybe it is your happiness that he left you. You will meet better.

  • Lesley

    Thank you for your reply. I posted this two years ago and feel like I am at a better place in all parts of my life.

  • Lesley

    Hi Kat,
    I did not see your reply until now after a different response.
    I truly appreciate your thoughtful comment. Even though I have moved beyond this past relationship, you still provided new insight about investment in a relationship in general. Thank you for highlighting the importance of both partners devoting the same amount of time and energy into a relationship. It is actually due to this relationship that I am able to determine which relationships and people are worth my time.

  • 123
  • Lesley

    No. I am no longer with this person. Moved on for sure.

  • 123

    Wish you happiness. I am sure you are on the right way )))

  • Argument Clinic

    I have to disagree as well. In my experience, successful relationships, friendships even business partnerships all benefit from collaborative problem solving. The first and foremost requirement to being able to do this requires intelligence not emotions.

    The more emotional people have a tendency to have a sense of entitlement to what they are supposedly entitled to feel and how frequently. Emotions of course are very fleeting and in a normal mind (not bi-polar or something) emotional state always quickly returns to a neutral state.

    It’s only in the beginning of the dating process that your emotional pleasure centers are being lit up like a Christmas tree releasing Serotonin, Dopamine, etc. very frequently and in large quantities. This of course always fades and you eventually return to to normal.

    If an emotional person has a condition for a relationship that it must sustain these “happy highs” then that person will NEVER have a long term relationship EVER because what they want is completely absurd and not possible.

    If such a person really wants to have a long term relationship they must adjust their expectations, they must learn more advanced ways of thinking and different skills that are required to make the relationship solid enough to go the distance.

    No one wants to hear this because it’s a lot of hard work. It’s kind of like if you want a beach body, you have to train and diet and it requires a lot of time and effort. Same thing goes for a long term relationship. If you don’t think the reward is worth the effort, it’s not for you.

  • Jonathan Akerele

    Sometimes in the heat of the moment the line between difficult and abusive can be blurred especially when both sides are angry with each other and there are raised voices with yelling and shouting going on. =(

  • Teddy

    God bless you. I so happy reading this write up it made me feel good a bit. I knew from the beginning it was not the right relationship for me. i knew it. but i thought things will change for the better. Was the reason we kept on breaking up because i knew it was not right. I still regret why i took her back at the early stage of the relationship, but on a second thought i used the oppurtunity to learn alot about dealing with people and also growing up. i have no regret at all. because without me metting her i wont know what i have learnt now. But when it is not right you will know from the start. You feeling will tell you.

  • Teddy

    Same thing. I kept on lieing to myself. I kept on looking for a reason to stay while also just trying to justify my reason to leave always. I saw the red flag but i ignored it. Pained me i delayed to leave till now. I am still in pain now. Still stuck in the same dilemma i was stuck in when i left in her earlier. thinking she will just change and i will feel she is the one. But we kept breaking up. Heaven knows i tried to always make her happy but it was never enough. I know if i am able to scale through this i know i will stronger i just all the support i can get.

  • 123

    How long have you been together? Did you try to talk to her?

  • 123

    Man, seems you are depressed.

  • Sad and Broken

    I’m afraid I am one of these this-clearly-isn’t-going-to-work-but-I-sure-will-try-my-hardest-since-I-don’t-give-up types. I have been in a 7 year relationship and engaged the last 2 years of it, we have been fighting more and more. We do live together and have for the last 3 years, he moved into my house. I had a great job when we met and started dating, but since have had worsening health problems. I am currently awaiting a complete disability determination for SSDI and I have become very dependent on my fiancé, financial and otherwise as needed. He was very supportive at first, but as the wait for SSDI is a very long process, he is becoming very bitter about the support that he gives me. When people ask when we are getting married, he always answers “When she goes back to work. ” I am not permitted to attempt any type of work while my SSDI is pending, however, afterward when awarded benitfits, you are allowed to work pastime earning up to around $1200/month. Prior to disability, I earned 4x that amount and it was very hard for me to adjust to not being so independent. He has started calling my stupid and lazy, always angry that I don’t do more around the whole he is at work. I just don’t have much energy and I am in pain so much of the time that it’s hard for me. Nor have I been really inspired to try much, I feel so alone ven when we are together.
    We had a fight again tonight because I misplaced some paperwork, I have issues with short term memory impairment and lose things easily. I usefully find them, but it takes me longer. Well, this time he decided that he was going to take away my iPad because he thinks if I wasn’t on,social media then I would be more incline to be more productive. I became very upset and gave home back his engagement ring and said I don’t want to be with a dictator, as he is very bossy. I don’t do as much as I should, bit I’ve just been so lost and in turmoil, I feel like once my SSDI is determined that I will finally be able to make and carry new goals for myself. Work a little from home when I’m feeling well enough, something with my nursing degree that’s nonclinical or too critical. IDK…something to just feel needed. After I calmed down, I asked him if he wanted me to wear his ring again and he said that he didn’t care. I had the ring sitting next to me and later this evening he came over and insisted on having it back. So, I don’t know what to do, I’m sad and want to cry, but feel kind of free except afraid at the same time. I’ve already had one failed marriage prior to this relationship, but it ended due to my exhusband constantly cheating on me over a 19 year marriage with 2 children…now grown. So lost here…?

  • Ashley Church

    Hello Hannah,

    I’m in the same situation as you and Gigi were about a year or two ago. My first boyfriend of three years just broke up with me four days ago. He was my best friend, and the sweetest and most understanding of guys. Even through the break up, he was soft spoken, compassionate, and logical —
    a trait my emotional self always admired. We have been through about two prior splits, one lasting for about a month and another lasting for a few days, each instigated by me. I would feel like I needed to find myself, or I couldn’t see it working after talking to friends, or sometimes I would casually think how it wluld be with others. He asked me over the phone, before he broke up with me, if I could see me marrying him in 2 to 3 years. I couldn’t grasp it. I’m only 21, and I’m on the most soul searching of journeys right now, and constantly looking for growth or a direction, and although he was supportive and loving through it all, I felt like our desires weren’t mutual. He wanted a family, and I wanted to travel alone. I love him, and part of me wants him back in the future. It’s hard not to talk to him about how his day was, his current status in his games, how he solved the new database problems at work. It’s hard not having him to hold, or for someone to no longer love me as much as he did. As much as he forgave and understood and loved me. How are you guys coping now?

    All the best,
    Ashley

  • Caviad

    I stayed for 38 years, but knew after 5 it was not good. We were young, but he had lots of not so good things in his head, that slowly appeared over time. I made a vow for life and it took me a long time to figure out that he killed that vow and the marriage was dead, before I could move on and find real happiness with the right man.

  • Phyllis Wilhelm

    I’m disappointed by the word choice here. “The one”? The idea that there is only one person for everyone out there is destructive and silly.

  • Phyllis Wilhelm

    I wish you’d written the article!

  • Phyllis Wilhelm

    No, it’s still work. Even if you want to work, it’s still work. You can’t win an argument by redefining your words.

  • Phyllis Wilhelm

    not to mention superstitious

  • Gabby

    I am in the same situation almost to a T right now. I’m 21 in my last year of college and my 24 year old now ex still needs to go back to school. I broke up with him for the third time a week ago and I’m starting to feel the heartbreak and questioning whether it was the right thing (even though logically I know it was). I was wondering how you are doing now? Curious about how to picture my life without him a few months from now.