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How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Move On Peacefully

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.

I had my first serious relationship in college, when all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.

The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I realized this soon after it ended—that I spent three years expecting someone else to love me when I didn’t love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single for almost a decade.

I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.

Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on:

1. Practice releasing regrets.

When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t.

All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.

It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.

2. Work on forgiving yourself.

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didn’t do it you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there!

Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.

Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself.

3. Don’t think about any time as lost.

If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my twenties, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.

If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.

When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.

4. Remember the bad as well as the good.

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief”—a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence, that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.

As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t.  In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.

5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied, and happy, at least on the whole.

Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.

The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?

6. Create separation.

Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.

It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness, whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

7. Let yourself feel.

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.

First, you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next, you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.

Then, you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding.  Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost.

Eventually, you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.

You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it, or write about it in a journal.

8. Remember the benefits of moving on.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless.

Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

10. Embrace impermanence.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.

When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.

It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am fifteen months into a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet. In fact, last night he flew from California to Boston, where I’ve been visiting for the last two weeks, to spend time with me and my family.

I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.

Photos here and here


Update: As you can see from the comment section, I have received many requests for advice, and I have done my best to offer guidance and support. However, I feel a responsibility to express that this post presents my own personal experiences and lessons. I am not an expert on relationships, and I hold no formal training in psychology or counseling. If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationship, I highly recommend you consult a qualified professional.

Update #2: Due to the high volume of requests for advice, on this and other posts, I may not be able to respond to your comment. However, you are more than welcome to share your experiences! Other readers may be able to offer their insights. Alternatively, you may want to join the Tiny Buddha forums to seek guidance and support from the community.

Avatar of Lori Deschene

About Lori Deschene

Tiny Buddha Founder Lori Deschene is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an eCourse that helps you change your life. She's now seeking stories for her next book, 365 Tiny Love Challenges from Tiny Buddha. Click here to share your story and follow on Facebook for inspiring posts and wisdom quotes.

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
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  • Sbsumapong

    Hey, thanks for this. I really needed this time in my life.

  • http://twitter.com/_Rochelle Rochelle Kaminsky

    Beautiful!

  • http://twitter.com/_Rochelle Rochelle Kaminsky

    Beautiful post!

  • Vijaynarayankutty

    of course what u mentioned is absolutely right,and one thing am having a situation as you mentioned in this post right now!..but while i was reading through this,i remember my past,i felt,”is this love?””how much short is it?”if everyone forgets,everthing he does,then what is love?even the time when i was in a relation i had some intense deep relation with my lover as everyone does,which was done by the belief that ,the lover will be mine…but if all this has to be forgotten!then y did all are loving?

  • wiesel_99

    Great post. I just broke up so this really lifted me up.

  • Mysocial Circle

    I've been single for more than a couple of years now but the memories keep coming back. He was a great guy but over time, he changed into someone I barely knew! To be honest, I wanted out of the relationship but I stayed on for my ex considering he'd lost his father and had no social life.Each time I tried to talk about it, he'd make me stay and I did. It was too late by the time I realised that he was using me as his emotional crutch. All I wanted was closure, that would make things so much more easier… I think.

    There, I said it. Just letting it out makes me feel a little bit better. Thank you!

    Much love. :)

  • Naimah

    Just made a list of things to do to help me feel happier with a goal of not needing the list anymore at some point. It should keep me from wasting time dwelling on the past and keep me in the present where my energies belong. I miss a lot of things about the past that will never return, like my fading youth, but I don't seem to dwell on those things lost as much as I have this one faded relationship. When I think about it that way, it seems even more absurd and irrational to be obsessing over a guy. I am so much more than that! Thank you so much for the inspiration to do more with myself and congratulations on your healthy relationship!

  • srinirao

    Lori,

    Thanks for sharing this post. I know you mentioned that it was really personal to you. I can relate to so much of what you talk about in this post based on the few relationship I've had. I never had a significant other in college, largely because I was so dependent on others for my happiness. It's only when I came to that realization that things took a turn for the better.

    I was the one who ended both of the relationships I was in. With the second one, forgiving myself was one of the biggest challenges I ever went through. I had so much guilt about the fact I had kept somebody in a relationship for a year even though I knew I was going to leave the city I was leaving in at the end of that year. My significant other knew that from the beginning, but I still felt a massive amount of guilt about it. It took me a long time to forgive myself. It's really hard to no matter which end of things you are on.

    I think many people tend to lose who they are in the relationship and connecting who they were outside of it is something that really is important. In an ideal world they should never disconnect from who they are outside the relationship in the first place. But, I think temptation to make another person happy really can be a driver of this.

    Relationships and dating have been one of my personal greatest challenges in life, but I think that all the life lessons I've learned from them ultimately have set me up to have a much more successful happy relationship in the long term. It sounds like it's been the same for you :)

  • ally

    hi lori…this is a timely article for me…i was just feeling a bit down for the past few days thinking of an ex…he left me for over a year now and i know i have let him go but sometimes the pain still haunts me…thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ally~

    I'm glad that this was helpful for you. I know what it's like to feel haunted by the pain of a past relationship. Letting go can be so hard, but I think it's easier when we can lean on each other.

    I hope you're having a great weekend!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Srinirao~

    Absolutely–relationships have been a huge challenge for me, but the process of being whole and happy in them has made me a better, stronger person.

    I think one of the reason relationships are so hard is because they're like mirrors for ourselves. If part of yourself is unhealthy, it's impossible to have a healthy relationship; if part of yourself is unhappy, it's impossible to have a happy relationship.

    I've put a lot of time into learning how to be in relationships without manipulating or depending on the other person in an unhealthy way. Just acknowledging that I used to do that was almost too shameful to bare, but it was the only way to stop.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences here. It's nice to know other people can relate, and that maybe we can all help each other.

    Have an awesome weekend!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Naimah! I think it's awesome that you're assessing what makes you happy in life. Sounds like a great way to stay mindful and be proactive about your state of mind. So thank YOU for the inspiration =)

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there~

    I know what you mean about the memories coming back. It can be so hard to consciously choose to not indulge a memory when it resurfaces. I'm glad you were able to walk away from that relationship and come out stronger. Even when you know it's right, walking away can be so hard!

    Much love back =)

    Lori

  • Reecharrd

    This was an extremely helpful post, thank you for writing it.

    My situation is a little different… I had a very close friend for about 6 years and we started to get very intimate with each other, but she called me up a couple weeks ago and said we should no longer be friends because she couldn't be friends with someone she had been intimate with (and clearly she didn't want to pursue a more intimate relationship, either). It has been devastating for me. I know she was never truly my girlfriend, but the pain of losing someone so close to me feels almost like a mini-death, like you mentioned. She also I feel was responsible for waking me up as a person and helping me build my self-confidence; to have her leave now almost feels like all that work is being undone.

    I think I've been trying to make her happy for so long, I've lost sight of myself. In a way, I sometimes feel this is a blessing in disguise and that she is really just setting me free. But I still find myself wanting to speak with her and hold her again if only for one last time, despite all the hardships I've had to go through just to be her friend. I would like to move on but I don't know where to begin; it seems like all I want is her, and I will never find her in anyone again. Therein lies the problem… I was leaning too heavily on her to make me feel happy. The problem is myself.

    Anyway please excuse my ranting. Your post is very helpful and I shall be referencing it from time to time to help myself. I believe I need to better myself before I can go out and try to be with someone again.

  • Ellpwhy

    Thanks Lori. This post came at the perfect time, days after I broke up. Whenever my thoughts wandered, I came back to this again. It really helps, till now. And I particularly remember this quote which you shared from tinybuddha site, that “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”.

    This is the second week since we ended the relationship. The pain is still there but I'm feeling so much better. I share tinybuddha with friends and family, they love it to bits. I actually was in the midst of writing to you about me and my ex-boyfriend, but after that I realised I have to embrace impermanence (yes, from one of tinybuddha links too!).

    Just so you know, you're a source of inspiration. I'm sure you're humble but we really find comfort here in tinybuddha. :) It reminds that we're all humans again, and there's so much more in life than to manifest all the negative thoughts.

    Thanks and regards,
    Ellpwhy

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ellpwhy,

    Thanks for the kind words. It brings me a lot of peace and joy to run this site, but what makes it all worthwhile is hearing that it makes a difference.

    It sounds like you're dealing with this transition quite admirably. I'm glad that you have friends and family to lean on. I know from past experience how that can help when you're moving on from a relationship.

    I have a lot of room for growth when it comes to dealing with loss and embracing impermanence; but I think it's easier knowing I'm part of a community of like-minded people. It reminds me that even if I feel alone, I'm not. None of us are. We really are all in this together =)

    Lori

  • Laura

    Hi Lori.
    I've not known about tinybuddah.com for very long, but there are so many amazing things on here.
    I split up with my partner a couple of weeks ago now. It wasn't a long relationship, but very intense and cut off in its prime with no prior warning. I feel lost and as try as I might, I simply cannot understand what happened, why it all imploded. I can't remember the last time I felt so low.
    I'm trying to get over things and get on with my life, but its hard. It may take a while, but your articles, especially the one above, are helping me through this dreadful time.
    Sorry I've rambled a bit. I just wanted to say thank you really.
    Laura x

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Reecharrd,

    My apologies for the slow response. I can relate to everything you wrote about leaning too heavily on someone else for happiness. I'm glad you found this post helpful, and I hope you are feeling at ease with your new circumstances. With your self awareness and positive mindset, I am sure in the right time you will be in a wonderful relationship =)

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Laura,

    You're most welcome. I know that feeling of being lost and trying to understand where it all went wrong. I remember when my ex and I broke up, for a long time I felt like I lost a limb, like he had been a part of me. I just kept going over and over everything I did, didn't do or maybe should have done (or not done). It was difficult to move on because I felt powerless to my obsessing. Almost like I didn't have a choice.

    In retrospect, I could have done a lot more to work through my feelings about that relationship, but sometimes we just have to learn in our own time.

    I hope you have friends keeping your busy and that you're getting out and having fun. Although it's a cliche, time really does heal all wounds. I think we can influence the length of time, though, by surrounding ourselves with good friends and finding joy where we can.

    Wishing you a wonderful weekend~
    Lori

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  • BFrazier

    Hi Lori,
    This post has been extremely helpful mentally and I plan to focus on getting over what happend with my ex with the advice you have given.
    This prior relationship I had been in was completely perfect in my eyes. I was a modern Prince Charming. My imperfections were perfect (if you can understand that). We spent all summer together; every hour of every day. Summer love deal thinking about it now. I was so confident in her and myself and where we were going that I never in a moment would even consider the possibility of breaking up. Then school started and everything was well. One day about two weeks into school she completely transformed and was dull the entire day from staying up all night (very suspicious). Very weird but I just gave her space. She came over later that day and explained to me that she felt like she couldn’t give me her entire heart because somebody else has it (her ex). Also I might add the day prior to that we had laid in my bed for 6 hours loving each other and completely loving and living in the moment. She could hardly leave my arms when she had to go home. Which makes the next day very weird and completely suspicious. Although hurt I comforted her and she cried on my shoulder while I told her she is still one of my best friends and to never hesitate to come to me with anything. As days went by I became completely depressed and whether then crying over what I should of or could of I felt betrayed. “How can I trust someone after what happened” I kept asking myself. Complete shock.
    I am trying to get over things and move on but the urge to date isnt high. The urge to do anything actually is pretty low.
    I have friends and family to lean on and I completely believe and understand time heals pain.
    Thank you for providing this post and thank you for reading if you have. Feels better to write all of this of my chest.
    Thank you again I deeply appreciate it.

  • Mick

    Really inspiring and i’m going to try and do what you say!

  • rt

    “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh There’s only one woman that has ever come close to making me feel free at heart all while wishing she would be the one to guide my heart as her own. She’s recently put up a fence and I miss her like crazy. I know it’s hard to understand, I don’t understand it myself…but I sure would like to spend the rest of my life just enjoying her…her laugh, her smile, her touch, her love. I may not know what love really is, but I sure would like to spend some time with her….my only fear is that once I was able to spend time with her that it would pass too quickly and I would be an old man, all wrinkled and smiling at the precious time I was fortunate enough to spend with this amazing woman. If only…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi RT~ I can understand how it must feel to stand in your shoes. When I lost my first love, I felt certain my heart would never feel so open. I don’t know if this is universally true for everyone, but for me, it turned out what I missed wasn’t specifically him but the way I opened my heart around him. It took me almost a decade to fully do it again because I didn’t feel trusting or ready. But in hindsight, I can say miraculous things can happen when you believe they are possible. I hope you that you open yourself up to another relationship that makes you feel equally free. ~Lori

  • Creativemynd

    I love you and thank you….

  • Levy

    Hey. This article is really wonderful and helpful. Thank you. I am 22 and just went through a break up with my first love of 3 years. I really connect with your story of your first relationship, except that I was the boyfriend holding up my girlfriend. I definitely played all of those roles that you listed and really just gave my all to encourage and support her in her struggles and insecurities. The sad thing is that she broke up with me out of no where. I know now that the relationship was unhealthy, especially in regard to my needs, but I feel so shocked and confused that the person I loved with all my heart and to the best of my ability could just change and proceed to leave me without any substantial explanation or care for my feelings, especially with how much I gave. I am trying to let go and this article really helps. I love her and care for her greatly, but I know that she needs to move on and grow up in her own life more and really learn to love herself. I really love #8 above. Holding on is definitely torturous and I realize that my spinning thoughts that pretend to be solving the mysteries of my heart are really just me holding onto to her, the pain, and the loss in the hope that I could fix what was wrong and have a wonderful and healthy relationship with her. I am where I am though now and I would love to be at peace and I am sure that this article will continue to help me find that. Letting go is love. Letting go is for her and for me. Thank you so much for this very encouraging and thoughtful article. I appreciate it very much. Take care.

  • Levy

    Hey. This article is really wonderful and helpful. Thank you. I am 22 and just went through a break up with my first love of 3 years. I really connect with your story of your first relationship, except that I was the boyfriend holding up my girlfriend. I definitely played all of those roles that you listed and really just gave my all to encourage and support her in her struggles and insecurities. The sad thing is that she broke up with me out of no where. I know now that the relationship was unhealthy, especially in regard to my needs, but I feel so shocked and confused that the person I loved with all my heart and to the best of my ability could just change and proceed to leave me without any substantial explanation or care for my feelings, especially with how much I gave. I am trying to let go and this article really helps. I love her and care for her greatly, but I know that she needs to move on and grow up in her own life more and really learn to love herself. I really love #8 above. Holding on is definitely torturous and I realize that my spinning thoughts that pretend to be solving the mysteries of my heart are really just me holding onto to her, the pain, and the loss in the hope that I could fix what was wrong and have a wonderful and healthy relationship with her. I am where I am though now and I would love to be at peace and I am sure that this article will continue to help me find that. Letting go is love. Letting go is for her and for me. Thank you so much for this very encouraging and thoughtful article. I appreciate it very much. Take care.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Levy,

    I’m so glad to hear this article helped you with letting go. It’s something I work at all the time, in every area of my life, because instinctively, it feels safer to hold on. I do think, however, it gets easier with time and practice, as everything does.

    Wishing you well,
    Lori

  • Fabisfabiana

    Hi Lori,

    I had a friend exactly like that. We shared the same disease. I had to walk away. I felt she was dragging me backwards and soaking me in all possible despair and negativity. For some time I felt sorry for not being able to help her. I was healing and she wasn’t. I sincerely wanted her to be well.
    I know now that her attitude towards life was probably the cause of the disease, and that negative behavior was part of that what kept her ill. I never stood a chance to help. But I learned how to recognize my boundaries and keep myself safe. Thanks for this post.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Fabisfabiana. I think that’s the most important thing–setting boundaries and staying safe. I work on that all the time, and I’m learning it gets easier as I go.

  • Ali

    Hi Lori-
    I know this is a truly old article, but it seems very pertinent to me. I just broke up with a boy who wasn’t treating me as I wanted to be treated. We both had spoken of getting married, despite being still in college. We’ve known each other for over a decade, but only dated for the past two years, so we have a massive history of friendship behind our love. We recently began talking again, and I feel as if I have forgiven him… but I am still in love with him. Do you think that giving a relationship a second chance is ever a good idea?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ali,

    I think it’s different for different people. I’ve known some people who came back to each other only to separate for the same reasons they did initially, and other people who started over with a completely new relationship. If you’ve talked about what didn’t work the first time and are both on the same page, then there’s no reason you couldn’t give it another shot.

    Or course, I’d be curious to know if perhaps it’s challenging to consider moving on because of your history. I’d say that’s the big question here: Do you really want to be back with him? Or is it just the familiarity/comfort aspect? (I’m not looking for an answer–just putting that out there for you to consider.)

    I hope this helps a little!
    Lori

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  • Lynn

    This is exactly what I needed to read. My problem is letting go of a 12 year friendship that became more and didn’t work with a man that I truly love to my core. My insecurities and fear were not letting me let go so that we could both truly be happy. It’s what I want not only for him but for myself also. I may not find a love that was like what we had… but I will find a love one day that is what I deserve.

    Thank you so much for this post ….. it has saved me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lynn,

    You are most welcome. I know how difficult it can be to let go, and I’m so glad this post helped you in this process.

    Your are in my thoughts!
    Lori

  • Omina

    Ooooohhhh….you are speaking to me, about me. I have really been struggling with letting go of a relationship. I could relate to the distinction you make between letting go of the man and letting go of the relationship. It is a struggle. I am saving your post so that I can revisit it when I feel myself losing track again. Thanks for sharing your journey, and your lessons.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I’m glad you found this post helpful!

    Lori

  • Blake

    Wow, I have to admit Lori, the situation you described (at the time) and mine (currently) describe is almost identical to what has been going on with me the last 7-8 years.

    I had a serious girlfriend throughout college (and biggest supporter…funny how you take those things for granted at 22) . I let her go in the most immature and dumbest decisions in my life. From 23-27, I’ve been dealing with a lot of regrets, with a lot of casual dating that mostly go nowhere or create relationships that never stay in the air too long.

    I’m pretty sure alot of it is because of all the regret and shame I harbor, and the fact that I haven’t forgiven myself (or know how to…I wish it was as easy as just saying “I forgive me”) has dragged me down and brought all types of insecurities to the forefront of my conscious and subconscious.

    I’m really going to try to follow your 10 suggested steps, and I really hope these ideas can finally stick and I can finally move on and stop revisiting the past every day that passes. Thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Blake,

    I know all about taking someone for granted, and also about harboring shame. I think it’s fantastic that you’re working toward forgiving yourself. I’ve learned that it isn’t a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. It’s something that manifests in ongoing choices, and it’s something I still work at.

    I think all of us have things that we need to forgive ourselves for. It helps me to remember that at any time, I was doing the best that I could given my challenges and where I was at. It doesn’t condone bad decisions I made, but it reminds that I’m only human, and I deserve love, not self judgment.

    I’m so glad this post was helpful to you!
    Lori

  • Rosy

    Touched my heart! After 11 years together and 10 months apart! Life is surreal! I am lost!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up. How long has it been? Have you been surrounding yourself with friends? I hope that you have people around to support you. I’m sure this is a challenging time.

  • Gerald

    Thank you for posting this! I have printed this out and place this in a place where I can read it every night before I go to sleep. My heart was broken 7 months ago by a girl I truly fell in love with. The past few months have been a huge roller coaster ride for me. It is extremely difficult for me because this girl was THE FIRST girl I ever fell in love with. She found someone else soon after leaving me. They are not together anymore, but the pain and the memories are still with me. Thank you Lori for posting this. This has helped me relax when it is time to sleep. Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I know that feeling of not being able to sleep at night, and I am so glad that this post provided you with a little peace!

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  • Anu Ananthi26

    Hi tis ia ANU. actually my ex and i broke up a week before after a 3 years love.
    i dunno how am going to live.we had a healthy relationship and now itz all gone. my dad found dat am in love with him and made it a big issue he went to police station and gave a complaint about my Ex.
    i know how bad my ex felt.my dad took a promise dat i shudnt speak with him any more. am completely heart broken.i have ma semester examz goin on i cudnt concentrate on anything.
    i love him so much than anything. but now hez no more in my life. am crying each and every second but ma parents are very happy now.evn he is thinkn reason that am the reason for all this issue,wat can i do he hates me now .but i have little confidence dat i can live after reading this post. thank you so much.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Anu,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up. I know how difficult they can be. It sounds like there’s a lot more to this than what you’ve written, so it’s hard to really comment on the situation. Please just know that you are not alone, and the pain will go away. It always goes away with time. If you are struggling, I hope you will reach out to someone for help. Your family cares about you, and even if it doesn’t seem that way, they have your best interests at heart.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Nanik

    Lori, any advice on how to stop suffering? My husband broke up with me after 17 years of marriage about a week ago. A couple of days ago I found him on a dating website, which he registered for a long time back, saying “I want to meet a girl 25-30 years old”. I am 33. I am so angry with him but at the same time want him more than anything. Can’t work, can’t eat, can’t sleep, cry all the time. Thank God for the private office or I would lose my job too :) He told me he wants to break off while he is still young and has time to find a young woman who would give him 2 kids. Not to mention we have a child and we thinking about having another soon. My life is broken.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Nanik,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage breaking up. I can only imagine what you’re going through. I’m not sure what advice to offer that won’t seem trite. I haven’t been married before and I don’t have a child so I can’t relate to the exact situation.

    I can say I have been in other situations where I felt immense suffering that I feared would never go away. I’ve written a little about the things I learned here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

    I hope this helps a little. I also hope that you have friends and family supporting you through this difficult time.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Anu Ananthi

    yea lotz more… but i dunno how to express in words..
    but tanks a lot lori..
    keep writing lotz like this..
    feeling good after reading it..

  • Charles

    Breakups suck.

    Last autumn I lived over sea’s for 4 months to study abroad and I met my ex nearly the first day I got there. We dated and saw each other the whole time I was there. It was amazing. I had to then move back to America to continue my studies and life. This is when we broke up because she tried long distance before and didn’t want to go through it. She was my first love, I lost my virginity to her. I met her mother and family. She is wonderful.

    Its been 5 months since this and it still sucks. The pain has gotten a lot better over time but like everyone else, I have my bad days every so often. I’ve been working hard on getting over it and usually after a night of drinking (not excessively) my emotions sometimes get the better of me. I think I don’t have proper closure and its taking longer because we didn’t break up because we were incompatible, but because of the distance that was separating us.

    First love is tough enough, breaking up with someone because of a soon to be distance sucks even more. We talked 2 times within a few weeks of being back. Then I made a point not to talk to her to try to move on. It seemed to work then when I finally thought I was ready I contacted her again. We had an amazing conversation, but since then I told her I cannot be friends with her until I am really over it.

    My goal one day is to be able to talk to her again but I am not sure if or when I will ever be ready. There is no need to be self-destructive..

    I am certain this situation will truely effect future relationships.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Charles,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up, though it sounds like you have a really level head about the situation. One thing I’m wondering: What would it take to give you proper closure? Can you do that for yourself?

    When I lost my first love, I didn’t really get closure for years. Though the circumstances were different, it wasn’t until I completely made peace with everything that I was able to let go and move on. For a long time, the pain still felt palpable. Now the pain is just a memory, particularly because I actually feel grateful the relationship didn’t work out. If it had, I wouldn’t be with the man who I now can’t imagine being without.

    That’s something I’ve always found strange about love. When a relationship ends, it always feels like we’ll never love again. But we do, and the depth of it often surprises us.

    Lori

  • Charles

    Lori,

    That’s the problem I am running into. Finding closure. I have tried just repressing it and not thinking about it. I have tried being angry at her in my attempt. I have no idea what to do. Maybe a professional might help. Maybe some issues I am unaware of are forcing me to hold on.

    Do you have any advice?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    What gave me closure was to express my exact feelings to my ex. You mentioned the biggest struggle for you is realizing that you broke up because of distance, not compatibility. With that in mind, would it be helpful to you if she expressed that distance was a factor but not the only one? I’m not saying that’s the truth, but it may be.

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but I have found that when someone really wants to be with someone else, nothing stands in the way. If she was willing to end it, there may be something more there. If that’s the case here, perhaps hearing that would help.

  • Charles

    I have already tried telling her the exact feelings I have. I have already asked her if she had any other feelings or reasons why we broke up. She mainly said she didn’t want to do long distance because last time she did it destroyed her. She said she was afraid of that happening again and in the long run it would be better this way (different countries, distance and cultures is tough). She is not looking to get serious with anyone. Apparently she won’t change on that.

    I do feel myself getting better overall. As time goes on my bad days are less frequent. The time after that day of feeling bad about it is getting shorter too. Someday it will only bug me for that moment when something in life reminds me of her.

    Thanks for letting me vent and for filling up your wall!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Well that’s great that you’ve noticed progress! I’ve found a lot of peace in different areas of my life by focusing on progress. I haven’t always been patient with myself, but when I remember that I am improving day by day, everything seems more manageable.

    Even though I know this is obviously a less than pleasant topic, I enjoyed chatting with you. =)

  • bloomwood

    My bf just broke up with me. We were in a long distance relationship for over 2 years and he told me he’s fed up. A lot of hurtful words have been said mostly from his end. It feels so painful but I kind of expected this as we have broken up once or twice before. I’m really upset because I’m dealing with intense work problems as well. It feels as though I’ve got no one but myself. I want him back but when I think about the things he has said, it makes me realize he’s not into me anymore. It’s just real sad cos I still am. :( I love him and want him back but I just don’t wanna be miserable with someone who thinks I’m not worth it. :(

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break up. You mentioned that you feel like you have no one but yourself. Do you have friends or family members who can help you get through this? I’ve found that after a break up, it helps to stay active with people who love me. If you sit around by yourself, it might be tempting to obsess about what happened.

    I saw this quote in a movie once and I found it really helpful when I was going through a tough time: “I know this may seem like the end of the world, but it’s really just the beginning.” The same is true for this. The pain will pass, and you will eventually know a love that’s far less toxic than this one.

    Love and light,
    Lori

  • Hello Spring

    Hi Lori

    This site has been such a great help to me thank you! A few weeks ago a relationship of 9 years ended (we were in our late teens when we met), just for the reason that we had become more friends than anything else…we had both noticed this for a while but had both ignored it as acting on it would mean losing each other. I think that the fact there wasn’t an actual ‘thing’ that caused the break up has made it hard for me to accept that it’s the right choice, especially since we both enjoyed being with each other and still had good times together.

    Just before we broke up, we had moved to a new city and I had started a new job. I’m now living alone too and I’m finding all these changes quite overwhelming. The hardest thing I’m trying to concentrate on is living in the moment, as the thoughts of what’s in the future really scares me. I feel really lost/empty as to where I’m now going in life and what I want to do – but I guess I just have to give it time?

    Thanks again!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so glad the site has been helpful to you! I can only imagine how difficult it was to move on from something that you knew wasn’t right when you had so much history together. I suspect a lot of people stay in situations simply because it’s comfortable, so I’m always impressed when people have the strength to let go and open up to something new.

    As a frequent mover who has spent a lot of time living alone in new cities, I can relate to that feeling of being lost and empty. One thing that helped me was to remind myself that I am the only one that find and fulfill me. When I’ve made efforts to maintain a balanced schedule–going regularly to the gym, meet-ups, and events that interested me–I was better able to meet people and feel like part of the world around me.

    Also, this might be somewhat helpful: I read somewhere once that it can take a full year for a new city to really feel like home, because that’s how long it takes most people to make friendships that feel solid. Of course, it’s more or less for different people. I’ve been in LA for almost 8 months now, and I’m just starting to feel rooted here. Give it some time and get out and have fun as often as you can. I really think that’s the key!

    Have a wonderful weekend!
    Lori

  • Bitty

    Great article. I am fresh out of a divorce that I didn’t want and this was spot on. Let go! I loved the “embrace impermanence.”

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad that this was helpful to you!

  • AK

    thank you. i will read this daily over the rough weeks ahead and i will remind myself that love is letting go and i will try to forgive myself the faults that brought me here.

  • Lmeiy

    Hey, I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend and it’s been really hard so far but I’m coping, taking baby steps. And I must say 90% of what you said was spot on. I felt really depressed because it was like he was my best friend + boyfriend and we didn’t manage to survive a long distance relationship.
    It’s been a rollercoaster ride so far, feeling hurt still whenever I think about the past. The truth is, we’re suppose to stay friends after the break up, I told him I would. But it’s been really hard.. whenever he talks to me again I feel hope, and seeing him move on and look so happy makes me feel as if I didnt matter to him, how could he have let go so fast while I’m still here, and I still think about him everyday.. so I’ve decided to not be friends, my friends keep telling me I dont have to, but honestly deep down, I wonder if it’s really the right thing to do… Do you have any advice?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up and what you’re going through right now. I know exactly what that roller coaster ride feels like!

    It sounds to me like you know the right thing to do, but a part of you is resisting because you do still have hope (which is totally normal.) Not being his friend right now might feel like one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to do because a big part of you doesn’t want to let go. I suspect you made the right choice for you. The best time to be friends with him is when you are truly satisfied with just being friends. Until then, it will just feel like torture.

    It took me a year to be friends with my college sweetheart, and then many years later, I did a reading in his wedding, knowing full well I did not want to be the woman at the altar. That’s an extreme situation of course, but the basic idea is that you’ll know you’re ready to be friends when you want him to be happy with someone else.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Lmeiy

    Hey, that really helped, at least I know now it’s for the best right? I really hope that day will come when I’m fully ready. Thanks again Lori ! :)

  • Marie

    Great words.  As I am currently dealing with a long distance break up there are so many questions and emotions to deal with that were addressed here.  The hardest part is feeling him pull away because soon the distance will be even greater and we will have to truly break up.  (We are both at the beginning of finding internships, graduate schools etc and cannot make any plans in the near future to be together).  While I have accepted not being in a serious relationship is the most rational thing, I feel so hurt when he pulls away.  Also he is going through a very hard time at the moment and as I was the main person he shared everything with, it’s so hard not being able to be there for him.  I know love can come again, but never in the form of him exactly – how to come to terms with that, ack!

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad this was helpful to you. I think break-ups are the most challenging when it’s a matter of distance or diverging paths, as opposed to broken trust or changing feelings. It makes it even more difficult to let go. But it sounds like you’re remarkably clear-headed about the situation. I hope you have some great girlfriends helping you through this! I know that’s what’s helped me through my break-ups.

  • Christine

    Thanks for this post it is exactly what I am going through at this time. I left my ex a year ago because it wasn’t healthy and now am feeling hopeless and lost. I know in my heart I did the right thing because it wasn’t a healthy situation to raise my son in. I see now what a great dad he is and I hold onto the attachment of the perfect family I always wanted. I never wanted to be a single mother and now beat myself up wondering if I did the right thing. I find myself lonely alot of the time and it’s hard because I feel like I lost my best friend. I know if I let go and open my heart good positive things will happen so thanks so much for the advice. I know it won’t be easy but at least now I have my power back.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Christine,

    You’re most welcome. I know how hard it can feel to walk away from the wrong guy, not fully knowing whether or not there is a right one out there. I can only imagine how difficult it is with a child in the picture. I am impressed that you found the strength to make this choice for yourself. I’m sure one day your son will appreciate that you made this choice to leave an unhealthy situation.

    Much love and light,
    Lori

  • Robin

    Wow. A HUGE eye opener for me. Just what I needed. I was in a 7 year marriage that ended last september. It’s been the crazziest 8 months of my life and I just want to move on and feel better. I feel alot of guilt and insecurity from the whole thing but after reading this I really do feel better. Thank you for the great wisdom. I was shocked how much it really correlated with what I am going through. Time to let go :) I love the part about the difference between fear and love. Thanks again!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome! I’m so glad that my post has helped you find a little peace. I think that we’re really not all that different, and most of us go through the same things when dealing with a break up/trying to let go. It’s not easy–I know it hasn’t been for me! But it sounds like you’re in a great place for healing.

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • Babyblue_rosed

    but what if the guy won’t let you go, like he keeps popping up in your life from time to time… and thats not helping me to move on.. i mean, its been 2 years and he still reminds me of what we shared etc… I really wanna let go, but he doesn’t make it any easier for, and what hurts the most is that he is in a relationship, with the very girl that he left me for, and that was like 2 years AGO. I honestly pick up my broken pieces, lick my wounds, but when I’m just about to leave that holding on train station, bam! he pitches out of nowhere… and begins to remind me of events that occured in our past relationship, some I don’t even remember, or want to remember… I really don’t know what to do, I pray and pray and feel I am much stronger, then when his presence starts overcrowding me, i start to drown in confusion

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. I can totally understand why this would be confusing for you, but it
    sounds like you’ve been standing strong with your feelings here, which
    is great. I’m going to ask the obvious: Have you told him, straight out, that he needs to stop doing that? He obviously thinks there is some hope, or he wouldn’t keep popping back up. Maybe it’s time to be really firm with him….

  • Babyblue_rosed

    I honestly have. I told him a million times to leave me alone and that he is being selfish, especially by popping in and out all the time.
    I moved to another country to attend university, and somehow somewhere he got a hold of my number, haaaaaaaaaaaaa.
    But I guess I haven’t been firm enough, to that point that he gets the picture..
    Thank you soooooo much, I really needed someone to talk to.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I hope he gets the picture and backs off! I know it might sound harsh, but maybe it’s time to change your number. Since you’re in another country, that would likely make it impossible for him to contact you!

  • Cks

    I’m going through this right now. I made mistakes which led to insecurities, looking through phones, etc… he made mistakes too but not like mine. I was always packing and trying to leave. Not leave just get a response out of him. I was extremely immature and stupid. He was also my cheerleader and babysitter.

    We’ve been together for 2 years now and recently broke up. There’s a catch. We signed a year lease so we stay in different rooms right now. I know I messed up this entire relationship. If I would’ve just been happy and loved myself who knows how far we would be. I have been crying everyday. I can’t believe its over and don’t want it to be over.

    He says he wants to be with me but he just can’t be in a relationship right now. I told him I would wait until he’s ready. But idk if I can do this. This morning he came in and said he loved me and kissed my cheek. I know I would be a btter person if we were together again. I just didn’t think he would get fed up and leave. I took him for granted. Should I give him space and move on? Or wait? He acts like we’re still together at times. Idk what to do…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    This definitely sounds like a tough situation! I’m not sure what I would
    do if I were in your shoes, and it’s always easier to offer advice when
    you’re outside the situation, not dealing with the emotions. My best
    assessment is that it would wise to give him some space (to the best of
    your ability) and focus on yourself. It seems like your emotional
    well-being may be a more pressing issue than the relationship. If you
    can work on the insecurities and learn to forgive yourself, it will make
    any relationship easier going forward, whether it’s with him or someone
    else.

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  • Kels

    I met my ex shortly after a good friend of mine was killed in a boating accident. I was hesitant to date him because of our 4 year age difference, but it was like we were drawn to each other. In the year & half of being together we became inseperable…he was my support when my grandpa passed away & then 5 months after my grandpa another close friend of mine was killed. I felt as if I was losing some of the best guys I’d known bc I was gaining such an amazing guy. We grew into not only boyfriend & girlfriend but best friends as well. I bonded with his family & was starting to be introduced as “our future daughter in law…etc” He turned 21 in August but not being a big ‘partier’ I was never concerend about it especially when he would tell me how much he loved having me around & how much his friends loved me too. One night in November he took a nap & I was cooking with his family & when he woke up he broke up with me, devastating me & shocking the rest of his family. It’s now June & I still am struggling with this break-up. I truly felt like this was the man I was going to marry, but I cannot continue living with the pain of losing him. It has been extremely difficult letting go of my best friend, boyfriend, & entire family that I felt like a part of. My head keeps saying move on & I really do want to move on, but my heart won’t let go & I have no idea what to do. I feel completely embarrassed that it’s been months now & mutual friends have said he’s hanging out with another girl while I hide my pain every day. I am at a complete loss of what to do…

  • Katherine

    I am having a hard time letting go of my past very unhealthy relationship. He was a drug addict, who didnt work, and drained me of everything I had for 4 years. We had just got our marriage license when he decided to tell me he had been cheating on me and gotten a girl pregnant..she was 4 months along at the time and told me the only reason he wanted me to marry him was to pay allimony. I left that night. That was 4 months ago…I’m sad still. I feel like I am going to be alone for a long time. And I KNOW that I have alot of self esteem issues and self worth issues to go through myself and it is probably best that I am alone. But I find myself reliving the past alot. And I hold alot of anger…I want him to be suffering like I am…and he just moved on from me to her. I want him to be going through hell because HE put me through hell. I just want to not care..I want to be able to wipe the memories good or bad from my mind. And I cant. I feel like I still love him, but I know in realty its the idea of a relationship that I loved not him. I just want to be happy being single and happy with myself and I am finding that the hardest thing in the world right now.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Kels,

    I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. It sounds like a lot of your world was wrapped around this relationship, and I can so relate to that! That’s how it was with my college sweetheart. His family, his friends, his whole world was mine. When our relationship ended, I literally felt like I lost a limb. I know that letting go won’t be easy, but it will get easier with time.

    My best advice is to focus on filling your world with things you enjoy. Engage in the hobbies you love; get out with your friends; meet new people. It will be a lot easier to let go of what you both had when you realize you still have a full, fulfilling life. And even though it may not seem like it right now, know that you will love again. This isn’t the end–it’s just the end of this chapter.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Katherine,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your ex likely IS hurting a lot now. If he is a drug addict, you can bet that he’s dealing with a lot of pain, deep inside, and that’s why he is looking to numb it–and also why he’s made such poor decisions. It’s very likely he has just as many issues as you think you have.

    In fact, I’m going to go one step further: most of us do! It isn’t easy to have high self-esteem. Very few of us grow up in totally supportive environments, and all of us go through all kinds of challenging situations that compromise our sense of self.

    I know this is likely going to sound nearly impossible, but it would likely help if you could focus on creating a life you love–independent of him. Do the things you enjoy, get out with friends, meet new people. It won’t change that what he did hurts. But it will help you create a sense of love for your life and yourself. It may take a long time to let go of the pain from what he’s done–and that’s understandable. He did a horrible thing. But he only gets to control your state of mind if you let him. If you take it one day at a time, it will get easier. Everything does with time.

    Much love,
    Lori

     

  • duppy

    I just ended a relationship, I still love her fully, and I still try to be with her or I hope. I don’t have a straight No answer, when I ask about being together again, just a don’t know right now, I don’t know what can happen in the future. I really think we have so many things in common and we are vey close, that things can workout. and continue the best relationship I had to date. Am I just holding up into something? Am i wasting my time? My psicologist says to leave that door open, but move and live my life. I just want to  fix what’s wrong with what we had.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Duppy,

    I think your psychologist has smart advice–though I might suggest pretending that door is closed. If she’s not giving you a straight answer, that means the right now the door isn’t fully open, and if you tell yourself it is, that hope may keep you stuck. That’s not to say that you two couldn’t be together again, but it’s more likely to happen if you move on, and then if and when she’s ready, the two of you start over. It would be a whole new relationship with two people who are no longer clinging to the old one.

    I hope this helps a little. Much love!
    Lori

  • Mickeymickareeno

    Really great post, just what I needed. Thanks!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome! =)

  • Kartikadamon

    Excellent advice – comes from a down to earth yet spiritual perspective – I will be back!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you found it useful! =)

  • Britthunter84

    Hi, I am wondering how to let go of a past relationship with a child(ren) involved. He did not show much interest in the baby from the time I was pregnant. I put up with a lot and tried until my daughter was 4 months old. I had to walk away for her sake and my own. Since then he has given up custody of her, hasn’t seen her, asked about her, or been present for anything significant in her life. But i did love him very much. Its been almost three years and i find out he is having another baby with someone he just met. I feel like were breaking up all over again. im devastated. ive always struggled because my daughter is a constant reminder of him, the past, his obvious absence in her life, the incomplete family. i havent dated but desperately want to let go and find someone great like we deserve to have in our lives. Im terrified it wont happen because i bring come with a child. please help in this ugly situation. Thanks

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  • Allie

    Hi Lori!
    This post is great, especially the part about forgiving yourself. I broke up with my first serious boyfriend and, though it is clear to me that there were major problems, I feel regret, like I made a mistake in breaking up with him. The problem here is that he often took advantage of me, not giving me the same kind of devotion that he once had, as if he were bored with me. I know it has caused tons of self confidence issues because our relationship was based on how desperate I was to keep him. I never said no to him and did many things I’m not proud of. I think I still just idolize him and everytime I think of him, I am jealous of how he is doing so much better than me. I feel like a shell of who I am and don’t really feel like I’ll ever feel whole again.

  • Allie

    Hi Lori!
    This post is great, especially the part about forgiving yourself. I broke up with my first serious boyfriend and, though it is clear to me that there were major problems, I feel regret, like I made a mistake in breaking up with him. The problem here is that he often took advantage of me, not giving me the same kind of devotion that he once had, as if he were bored with me. I know it has caused tons of self confidence issues because our relationship was based on how desperate I was to keep him. I never said no to him and did many things I’m not proud of. I think I still just idolize him and everytime I think of him, I am jealous of how he is doing so much better than me. I feel like a shell of who I am and don’t really feel like I’ll ever feel whole again.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Britt,

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your ex. I don’t yet have children, so I can only imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes. Since I can’t fully relate, I’m going to share a little story with you:

    My aunt’s ex-husband left her right after she gave birth to their second daughter. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up, and I remember wondering why he would have left her. My aunt was so just so awesome–a great person who everyone loved. Though he claimed he wasn’t ready for family life, he got re-married shortly after and eventually had two more daughters.

    My aunt went through some difficult years, particularly because her ex wasn’t as active in my cousins’ lives as he could have been but she eventually remarried a man who is even better for her, and they had three daughters together. In the end, even though she had to deal with loss and pain, it paved the way for a mar more fulfilling relationship. And her new husband ended up walking my cousin down the aisle at her wedding–that’s how close they were.

    I think it’s amazing that you found the strength to walk away from him, after recognizing that it was what was best for you and your daughter. A lot of people stay in bad situations because it’s easier than walking away. It might not feel like it right now, but there will come a day when you are in a new, healthier relationship with someone who deserves you–someone who wants to be there for your daughter. Until then, just know you that you made a smart, brave choice, and one day, it will feel a lot easier to let go.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Allie!

    I could relate to what you wrote in a big way. In the past, I always felt like I needed a man to make me whole, and I let a lot of wrong guys walk all over me and then walk away from me, instead of finding the courage to leave them.

    What really helped me was to focus on feeling whole without a man. It was really ironic, but I met my current boyfriend (who I have been with for over two years) mere weeks after I chose to leave a man who wasn’t right for me. It was the first time I made the conscious decision that I’d rather be alone than with someone who didn’t treat me well.

    As soon as I realized that I am whole and good enough, on my own, I started attracting amazing men who appreciated me. If you focus on feeling whole and happy with yourself, I am sure you will attract someone who treats you far better than your ex did.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Tatiuseche25

    Lori thank you so much for this article! I’ve been trying to let go of my first real relationship for over 6 months… it’s not been easy, but I think now I´m in a different place and your article went right to my heart… I felt totally identified with you, thanks a lot for sharing!! I´m working on loving myself and appreciate been single.
    Hugs from Colombia!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad to hear you are in a different place now. Hugs right back. =)

  • Glenjorna

    Hi there, I recently broke up with my partner after 3 and a half years. He broke up with me and I am finding the loss devastating, simply because I feel I was to blame. I know i took him for granted, he did so much for me, constantly trying to hold me together with my anxiety, whilst trying to deal with his own insecurities and unhappiness as well. I feel so terribly guilty and have so much regret, simply because I feel like I have thrown away an amazing opportunity to be with such an amazing person. What if he was the one? I think i was too much to handle and that he just had to move on with his life. I have to let him go and use this time to work on my fears and feel whole again. But I am finding the pain so difficult right now, especially as I keep on playing lots of different scenarios over in my head, about how I wish had been different and expressed more love, but as You mention, you can’t express love to somebody else until you love yourself first, and this is what i need to do. Thankyou.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this post was helpful to you, Glenjorna. I hope you’re not beating yourself up too much. I did that after the break up I wrote about here, and I was single for more than 8 years because I was so hard on myself.

    What helped me was to realize that the idea of “the one” is an illusion. There are lots of compatible people out there for all of us. If you can work on forgiving yourself and loving yourself, you will get another opportunity for a relationship for a wonderful man. And you absolutely deserve it, even if you feel like you were to blame. We all make mistakes.

    I was “too much to handle” at one point, too, and I am in a loving, healthy relationship now–finally, a decade later! I hope you will forgive yourself far sooner than I did. The pain will eventually pass; it always does. But first you have to be willing to let it go.

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • Miriam

    Hi Lori,

    Let me tell you breifly about my current relationship. I am going out with a guy that I dated before and when we went out for the first time he wa head overheals for me. The first time that we went out, I was afraid of falling for him and I was attracted to other guys and at the end we got into a very small argument we broke it off and he went his way and I went my way. But along the way while we were separated, I started to miss him and I dated other guys but no one made me feel the way that he did. To make a long story short I stayed out of his life even when I wanted to go back with him because he was in another relationship. And one day I could take it anymore and I asked him if we could talk. He agreed and we talked about the brake up that were never spoke about again. I needed some closure. Then we started dating again it has now been ^months since we started talking again. They have been a mixture of pain and joy. Pain because the first time I hurt him a lot and he felt rejected and joy because we have a great time around each other. Soon he started to spend the nights over and spending the nights over lead me to start finding space in my apartment for him to put his things. I don’t know if we were ready for that step in the relationship. He will not be staying over anymore because I will be leaving the country for a couple of months and when I come back I will be living in a different place. I know that relationships go through phases, but in this one I am very scared because I am the type of girl that is always pulling out when I start to love a person. There are things about him that I love and there are also things about him that I cannot stand. I am tierd of being afraid of loosing him, when he has given me no reason so make me feel this way. They are just my insecurities, at least that is what I think. I feel like I need to start hanging out with my friends again and doing a lot of the activities that I used to do befre I was with him but he is always in my mind and every free moment that i have I want to spend it with him. Can you give me some advise please? I dont want to talk to my friends about this anymore because they tell me that we have such a great rekationship and that I have nothing to worry about, but then why is it like I feel like I am oppressing him and myself along the way. Like yesterday we got into a mini argument and he said that he felt that there was no space for his feeling and thathe didnt want to tell me things because he didnt know how I would react.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Miriam,

    It sounds like you’re pretty self-aware. You know you’re fixating on him and this relationship because you’re afraid of losing it (maybe because a part of you thinks you deserve to lose it because you hurt him before). I can tell you from experience this is a sure way to suffocate the relationship.

    The reality is you can’t control where this relationship goes by being with him all the time–in fact, you’ll just increase your odds of it not working out because people need to space and time to maintain their own interests.

    I know you mentioned you’re leaving for a couple months, so I can understand the insecurities there. When my boyfriend went to China for 6 weeks last year, I had all kinds of fears about the potential for distance to grow between us. A big part of what kept it together was our mutual trust. It had nothing to do with the amount of time we spent together before he left–it had to do with our capacity to maintain a sense of connection and intimacy, despite spending time apart.

    If he’s with you, he wants to be. But that could change if he feels like he needs to walk on egg shells around you. My best advice is to just let go. It’s not easy, but it starts with a decision right in this moment. When you find yourself fixating on the relationship, or worrying about where it might go, or talking yourself out of spending time with friends, tell yourself, “I trust that I don’t need to work hard to maintain this relationship.” Tell yourself, “I am letting go of the need to control it.” Then work on doing that.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • JD

    I’ve been
    suffering badly for several months regarding a recent breakup.   I read your topic and it’s great, but how do
    I “let go” in my scenario?

     

    About four
    years ago I met a wonderful woman who was significantly younger than me.  It evolved into a fantastic relationship.  She’s great, and has all the ingredients of a
    person that I want to be with; bright, honest, strong and confident, beautiful,
    passionate, adventurous, and has values and interests matching mine.  From the onset, we talked about how at some
    point (when she completed her time at the local University) it would probably best
    for us to break up to allow her to travel and work abroad, and experience things
    that she has always had a burning desire to do. 
    She knew she wouldn’t be ready to settle down at her age, anchored to
    where I live now, due to career and children I have.  We felt there was the possibility of
    resentment down the road if she didn’t really chase her hopes and dreams.  We are trying to put logic before emotion.  We’ve always talked about the potential of
    her coming back someday, but I cannot linger on this.  I really have to accept that it is over.

     

    I was not
    prepared for how hard it was going to be to let her go.  She lived with me for most of our
    relationship, was a terrific companion, and great role model for my children,
    and was loved by all.  We spoke a lot on
    the phone and by text initially after she left.  I’ve since asked her to stop as I was having
    trouble sleeping at night and concentrating at work.  She’s contacted me a couple times since then and
    I can tell it’s hard for her too.  My
    house, and most of the things I use to enjoy doing seem so empty without her.

     

    I know from
    other experiences that letting go is easier when you can remind yourself of all
    the negative things and reasons why you are better off without the person.  I don’t have that here.  It boils down entirely to two people,
    everything being unusually terrific, but at different points in life due to
    age.

     

    I don’t have
    any regrets with getting involved with her, knowing this was coming.  I don’t feel as though we made mistakes.  She enriched my life and gave me the best 3 years
    I’ve ever had.  I think about her all the
    time, miss her terribly, and I’m fairly positive that everybody I meet or date
    in the future will be unfairly compared to her.

     

    Do I stop
    all communication with her altogether to distance myself from this agony?  How can I toughen up to get over this?  Thinking about the many positives in my life
    and trying to not dwell on this are extremely difficult right now.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi JD,

    I’m sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through now. I can understand why it would be difficult to let go after all that time, with such a wonderful relationship. My question for you (that you don’t need to answer for me): What does your gut tell you? Does your instinct tell you that it would be wise to stop communication so that you can work on letting go? I could tell you what I do (or try to do), but it will likely be more helpful if you look within and decide for yourself what will help you start to move on. Somewhere inside, you know what you need to do. It just may not be easy to do it.

    One suggestion: It may help to focus on your other relationships right now. Spend time with your friends and family, and resist the urge to talk about the relationship. It won’t completely take away the pain, but it will help you enjoy your time with the other people you love, which will root you in the present, as opposed to dwelling on the past.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Jack Royal

    Lori, thank you so much for writing this.
    Helped me out quite a bit.
    There’s a girl who I’ve been dating that I care
    so much about, we were so into each other
    during the early stages of our relationship, but
    lately I feel like she’s lost interest in me. I understand
    that our lives are headed in different directions, but letting
    go of her may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
    We were pretty serious, she says she couldn’t bare to lose
    me but, I’m not sure what’s going on in her head. I do
    feel like letting go would be the best thing for us both,
    but i just really wish it didn’t have to be this way.
    I just want her to be happy,

  • Starmist78

    This post opened my eyes to my inner self that I felt was a war inside of me I only was going through and no one could ever understand. I read it once but I know I must read it again to understand myself and to learn how to let go instead of digging myself into deeper holes as I continue to look back instead of forwards. I am really tied into my past and I am married and many things happened fast which really confused me. While married, I am still learning to let go because I don’t feel free and have what I call false attachment to people from my past that I am trying to convince myself and learn that it is not “love” neither was it meant to be which is a concept that I struggle with.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, Jack. I know that letting go isn’t easy. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we will lose people in our lives. It just means that if it happens, we are ready and prepared to accept it.

  • Chen

    I can relate, but then again, I feel so silly. After reading a lot of the comments my ordeal pales in comparrison. But I think I feel this way because it was my first relationship. We had only been together for a few months; not long at all. I broke up with him over 2 months ago. In the beginning he said he love me with in a matter of weeks. I didnt say it back and told him I didnt feel the same cause it was too fast. But then he kept saying it and eventually I said I love him back. I dont know if I really loved him in that moment, but i know now I didnt love him; I think I just felt pressured to say it to keep the relationship going..and I KNow for a fact now that he doesn’t know what love is. I read somewhere about knowing if you are dating a loser by a Doctor and it talked about the person who says I love you in a matter of a week or so has shallow emotions and say it to gain the persons trust quickly, and just as they are quick to committ they are quick to dettach, and I found this to be true in my situation.

    See, he broke up with his ex months before me (she cheated and got preg). He found out the child was his in our relationship. The baby mother would do little petty things to try get under my skin. I broke up with him shortly after a professional pic of them w/the baby she posted on fb. I could not trust this situation anymore; and he gave me no reason to trust it. He said the pic was just for the baby’s album and he didnt kno she would put it up. After I left him, he would call me every 3 days with small chat saying he was sorry and then one day I decided to forgive him and say we could be friends but he didnt answer my calls, so I got mad and took eveything he ever gave me (which was nothing much, most things he took off his job becuase he doesnt make very much money) put in a bag and left it at his house. I know this was petty but I felt like I gave away a lot of my power by calling to say we could be friends. That day he called and asked me why I would do that and I said I rather give the things back than see them in my house. That ended us talking.
     
    Weeks have past and I found out so much about him personally that I regret ever putting myself w/ a person like that. He is now back with the baby mother and I dont know why this bugs me; they deserve each other (they both cheated on each other). And I DEF dont want to get back with him, even if she wasnt in the picture. Why if I only was with this person a short time should i think of this break up most days? I ended it with him and even felt pity for him w/ that situation he found himself in, but when he went straight back to her I got mad and even thought of sending a hateful text but I didnt

    Im smart enough to know that he wasnt for me and I know I didnt love him because I didnt trust him from I found out about that baby. So why 2 months later is it so fresh in my mind? If the relationship was short, and it was more of attraction than love, shouldn’t I be over it? I pray to let go of animosity and to forgive him but I still have anger towards him. Everyone tells me I got out of it real good and I agree, God really looked out for me because I ended it before anything really happened. So how do I let go of this and better yet being my first relationship, how do I not carry this into a new relationship?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Chen,

    I think there really is no “should” (you mentioned you should be able to let go). Everyone lets go of things in different times. Unfortunately, I can’t really say why you may be having a hard time letting go of this. Only you can determine what’s going inside you.

    Do you meditate? If so, it might be helpful to meditate on the relationship and see what type of insights you form. It may have to do with this being a first relationship, it may have to do with insecurities from the past. If you’re patient with yourself, you’ll eventually understand what’s really going on in your head and your heart.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Chen

    Thanks for replying. No, I have never meditated..honestly I dont really know how. People tell me that there is a time when people let go..and I guess because he was calling me after the break up Im just now feeling what I should have felt when I ended it in the first place. How do I meditate about this?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Chen,

    There are lots of ways to meditate, but my suggestion was just to take some time to sit in silence and see what your gut tells you. As far as letting go of your anger, these posts may help:

    20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone: http://bit.ly/jDKt3r

    How to Forgive Someone When It’s Hard: http://bit.ly/dAMDUU

    This one offers some basic meditation ideas:

    8 Ways to Make Meditation Easy and Fun: http://bit.ly/evk6Mt

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • Dave Slattery

    Hi Lori,
    Your post is really insightful and hopefully will be helpful. My boyfriend of 6 years ended our realtionship 6 months ago. We both loved and cared for each other very much we just wanted different things out of life. I wanted us to be able to move forward together in life he wanted or feels the need to be alone. It was a very sad break-up for both of us. It was very painful and for the first month we supported and were there for each other. He wanted us to start being friends immediately, i tried but realised i just coudn’t and broke off contact. It was all so difficult but slowly i let go of any hurt and pain and felt we could start to communicate again. We took things slowly and built a friendship where we meet for dinner etc every couple of weeks. But i know now that i am still deeply in love with him and i know meeting him and us getting on so well when we meet is preventing me moving forward. We don’t talk about the break up or feelings any more. We talked so much after the split, he has no idea how i feel, or at least doesn’t acknowledge it. Part of me felt in time he would come around but now i know i can’t hold onto hope so i want to let go. But he is a great guy and my life is enriched by him, i don’t know what to do. After me inviting him back into my life how can i possibly remove him from it again. I don’t want to. Is it possible for me to let go of us and move on with him still in my life?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Dave,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break-up. This kind of situation can be so tough, because having him in your life makes it seem like you don’t have to let go. For most people, it’s really difficult to stay friends, when somewhere inside, they want more. If you’re really honest with yourself, do you think you could be his friend without holding onto hope?

    I mentioned to someone earlier that I knew I could be friends with my ex when I felt comfortable knowing he was happy with someone else. I ended up doing a reading in his wedding, knowing full well I did not want to be the woman next to him. If you don’t feel you could deal knowing he’s happy with someone else, it’s likely be best to hold off on being friends. Spending time with him will just keep you stuck.

    Of course, you may need to go through that stuck place for a while. There’s no shame in that, so long as you’re aware of what you’re doing (and what you’re prolonging). Moving on isn’t easy. It takes time for all of us!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Dave Slattery

    Hi Lori,
    Thank you for your reply. I think i know all yoy said, deep down, But maybe i’m not as ready as i’d like to be. I do want my ex to be happy, he has created a very small world for himself since the split and only seemed to be himself again when we became friends. So i worry about him. But i know he is a grown man and has made his choices as he is entitled to do. I was prepared to remain stuck to give him time. But i’m unsure if i can do that anymore. It’s difficult to let go and perhaps i’m not fully there yet. It is so difficult but i think i’m moving somewhat in the right direction. I’ll just have to think on another bit and perhaps not put myself under so much pressure. I’ll get there.
    Thank you again

  • Dave Slattery

    Hi Lori,
    Thank you for your reply. I think i know all yoy said, deep down, But maybe i’m not as ready as i’d like to be. I do want my ex to be happy, he has created a very small world for himself since the split and only seemed to be himself again when we became friends. So i worry about him. But i know he is a grown man and has made his choices as he is entitled to do. I was prepared to remain stuck to give him time. But i’m unsure if i can do that anymore. It’s difficult to let go and perhaps i’m not fully there yet. It is so difficult but i think i’m moving somewhat in the right direction. I’ll just have to think on another bit and perhaps not put myself under so much pressure. I’ll get there.
    Thank you again

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, Dave.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, Dave.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Chen

    thanks a lot!. I actually feel better and feel that Im getting over it. Oddly enough as I was getting my hair done today, I was talking w/ my hairdresser about it. I really laughed about it after I told her the whole story. she told me to seek God, He is the answer. Its like you have to know ur worth and he was not worth my thoughts much less my time. I feel so much better, its like a weight was lifted. I probably felt bad because i saw on fb he had gotten back with the ex, but they deserve each other and I know there is someone out there better for me:). Thanks for the advice, I have to stop beating myself up on getting in that relationship and see it as a learning experience.

  • Dave slattery

    Hi Lori.
    I reached the place and I ended all contact. Never thought i’d be here. But looking after me is my priority. It was difficult but he understood and was as gracious. It feels like such an ending, i’m relieved in one sense that the last 6 months are over with and i’m oving on a bit i just hope i’m not back to the very beginning and the pain and grief will be as severe. Any advice. I feel like my life is just completely turned upside down. I moved to the city i live in now 7 years ago, because we met early on whrn i moved i never found to need to make any new friends. I have loads of friends in my old town, should i consider  moving back there or should i heal first and make a decision then? What should i do now?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s great Dave–not the pain part, but that you found the strength to end it. It will get easier with time! As for what you should do next, I know this might not seem very helpful, but I can’t really answer that for you.

    I’ve lived away from my family for a long time now, and I’ve struggled through the years, wondering if I should stay or if I should go. I have a lot of people who love me back home, and, since I’ve moved around so much, I only have a few solid relationships where I now live. A big part of me always feels conflicted. I’m never quite sure I’m making the right choice, but my instinct tells me to stay, so I do.

    What does your instinct tell you? (You don’t need to answer this for me–just putting that out there for you).

  • Brandi

    Hi Lori!
    This post has helped me so much! Sometimes in situations like these we can make ourselves believe that no one else understands what we are going through, but this has reminded me that I’m not the only one. I’m only 19, and sometimes it hard for me to discuss my feelings because I’m afraid people think I’m too “young” for love, but you can never be too young, maybe just immature.
    Almost three months ago, I ended a relationship that was coming up on four years. We’d began dating at the start of my sophomore year, the start of his junior year. In May, I was at the end of my rope with my ex, things were just not going well and hadn’t been for awhile. We had only seriously broken up one other time, when he ended things with me in the fall of the past year. He only ever ended things with me because he thought my parents were too controlling and that I didn’t have enough freedom because my parents didn’t want me to spend the night at his house (i guess this is where the being young part plays in). I’ll be going in to my second year in college and I still live at home where I personally believe that although I am getting older and need to grow away from my parents, I also believe in respecting my parents and the values they hold for me. We worked things out and got back together in December, and come May I decided I wanted to end things. I had never been content since we’d gotten back together. It was always either his way or the highway. I think I got tired of being “comfortable” because I was so young, and the fact that there was always a neverending fight over my so-called “freedom” that I didn’t have. The first month and a half or so I would say I was on the “break-up high.” I had finally called the shots, I was happy, I had no worries, and most importantly all the reasons I broke up with him were fresh in my mind, and I was content with my decision.
    That was all until I heard he was happy. From then till now, it has been as though I’ve been going through this “mini-death” and grieving all the time. I even have been thinking I want to work things out, give it another go because I do miss the good times we had together. A lot in my life has changed too since the break up, especially with my parents and my “freedom.” We’ve come back in to contact, and now he is content and happy. He tells me that this is what I wanted, and he would’ve worked things out then but he has accepted the break up. Is it possible to accept something this fast after something that lasted so long? He claims he still has feelings, and that he will always love me, and doesn’t want things to work things out “right now” and he doesn’t know what he wants. He wants to be friends, but it’s really hard for me when I feel like I’m the one who wants to talk and not him. I want to be able to let go, but I just feel like I’m the one who’s left to let go because whether its a front or not, he already has. I always wanted it to be him that wants me, not me that wants him. I now feel as though I can’t forgive myself, like maybe if I hadn’t done it I wouldn’t be so heartbroken now. But I don’t regret it because when I did it, it was exactly what I wanted. I know that when I finally let this go, I will be able to find a true happiness for myself. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you and thanks for your post!

  • ash

    Hi Lori,

    This is a wonderful post, extremely insightful. I’m 22 and I have been in a somewhat difficult relationship with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years. I have devoted my life to him, almost feeling like I have been supporting two people at the same time. He took advantage of me and broke our trust in certain ways, and now I have major trust and insecurity issues, and feel resentful sometimes. He has changed a lot, but I still can’t seem to move on, and whenever something else happens I feel it ten times worse. I love him so much and want him to be happy, but I am not happy. When I think about us breaking up, it is so stressful and I couldn’t imagine life without him. We went to counseling a few times, but it did not seem to help that much. Although my boyfriend has made mistakes, he is a really good person and I don’t want to bring him down anymore with my insecurities. Right now I am stuck in this limbo and do not know what to do. I know our relationship is unhealthy, but I can’t stop loving him.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Brandi,

    It sounds like you did the right thing here. I think it’s awesome you want to honor your parents’ wishes and values. It might be a good idea to not be friends with him until you feel certain you don’t want a romantic relationship with him anymore.

    You WILL have a great relationship at some point in the future–and if you maintain your values and keep asserting what you need, that relationship will be with someone who does not try to control or manipulate you. It’s natural to miss the good times you had with him, especially since he’s making it clear to you that he has moved on. But just imagine how amazing it will feel when YOU finally move on and find someone who accepts you and your choices, without question. It will happen with time, and more quickly if you can find the strength to keep him out of your life while you heal.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I hope this helps a little.

    Lori

  • Anonymous

    Hi Ash,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship situation. I’ve read somewhere before that it can take half the length of a relationship to fully let go. It can be so hard when you’ve grown attached to someone. (I know–I have been there before!) I hope this post helped somewhat.

    Much love,
    Lori 

  • jaycc

    I am currently going through a very painful breakup.  But I must say, each day does in fact bring a new revelation. One of these revelations has to deal with what I thought was my strong desire to reunite with my girlfriend after she decided to end the relationship.  So I tried a variety of strategies to try to win her back.  Then one day I realized that it was more about the contest than the prize.  I wanted to win the contest of convincing her that she should get back with me. The challenge of winning her back became more important than actually wanting to her back in life. 

    Something to consider.  Is it the contest or the prize that is most important?  In my case, it was the contest.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Very insightful, jaycc! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here.

  • Sage

    Bless your heart, it will be ok. I was in love with my boyfriend of many years. He broke my heart  for a married woman.

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  • Tiff

    I keep coming back to read this article because I am having trouble moving on. I really messed up my relationship with my ex boyfriend, and I don’t blame anyone but myself. Because I intentionally hurt him, I feel like a monster and I definitely don’t trust myself being in another relationship. We broke up a few months ago. And I’ll admit it-I begged and pleaded for another chance even though I knew I wasn’t going to get it.

    Those were the best years of my life. I find myself dwelling on the good times because the good times outweighed the one bad time by a lot. I’ve never met anyone like him and I find myself comparing everyone I meet now to him. It’s really frustrating for myself because I can acknowledge all my problems but I can’t seem to act accordingly. I really should tell myself the door is closed so that I don’t get my hopes up.. But reading this article reminds me of the things I should do in order to get my life back on track. Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, Tiff. I know those feelings very well. I also know it’s not easy to accept that a door is closed when it comes to love. One thing that helped me deal with my guilt was to remind myself that I didn’t make mistakes because I was a bad person; I was just dealing with challenging issues–and if I could learn from my mistakes, I would know love again. You will, too!

  • tllscruz

    nice tips to change our life thanks
    get my ex back now

  • Nick

    Hey Lori,

    Quick question for you. My ex and I broke up a year ago and although it has been very hard (we went through a no contact phase, she started seeing someone else, etc) we are finally at a point where we are cordial/friendly. I still have feelings for her but I do want to continue to be her friend. Im sure she doesnt feel the same way, but i do think she values our friendship.

    Im going on vacation with friends ironically in the same place that she is studying abroad (costa rica, i may have subconciously pushed for that to be our vacation spot). Should i tell her about it? Should i arrange to meet up with her? Please let me know, im so confused! I know i have to get over it, but i want to keep up this idea of being her friend..

  • Nick

    This is my experience too! Add to the challenge that my ex started seeing someone else, and the contest becomes even more obsessing. I have no idea whats more important to me right now, prize or contest

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Nick,

    Do you think you can maintain a friendship with her without wanting more? If either of you still want a romantic relationship, and the intention is to move on, it might be best not to get together. In my experience, this just prolongs the inevitable.

    What does your gut tell you?

    Lori

  • Gpanela1007

    I was the OW for 28 years. Finally ended it when he had a quad by pass & his wife found out she has breast cancer. Told him he is never going to leave her. I was the one that called. He called me back after he had a missed call. Wanted to see me but I told him no. I told him I didn’t want to get hurt again. Last thing he said was he was sorry he called me back that he wasn’t going to call me. I have seeked professional help from psychic, hypnotherapist, psychologist, talked to friends & family, read books & checked internet & have not been able to let go. I’ve also done the positive thinking, deep breaths, crystal healing. I am trying to keep busy by going out with friends, doing things out of the ordinary. It’s been costing me tons of money trying to find a way to move one with my life I just tried calling him again but hung up after one ring. He called me back but I didn’t pick up. He didn’t call me back. It has been 6 months I’m still having a hard time letting go. HELP….

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how painful this is. I wish I had an easy answer as to how you can let go; but sometimes, there’s nothing left to do. Sometimes you just need to be willing to surrender, knowing you may need to do it over and over again. It may help you to start a meditation or yoga practice. This way, you will quiet the thoughts in your head, which will make it a lot easier to start moving on.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Marie

    Lori, thank you for taking so much time to help people with this difficult subject. I am in the should I stay or should I go place…I’ve spent several months reconciling with my ex whom I feel is the big love of my life (we had 4 amazing years.) I left him though because he didn’t seem ready to be more serious….then I started dating other people and this hurt him badly…that was not my intention but felt moving on was the only option left for me…after trying dating and a break in communication with him, I came back to the gut feeling that he is worth sticking it out for. Now we are enjoying dating eachother again BUT he has decided to take a job in another country which may undo the progress and I can see if I want to keep hanging in there, I will need to endure distance now or follow him and make the move. It’s possible I’m enduring too much for this man and don’t know if I would be happier moving on. What do you think?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, Marie. It’s somewhat challenging for me to offer advice, because there’s so much I don’t know about the situation. My main question for you (which you don’t need to answer for me): Could you be happy maintaining this relationship if you knew there were no guarantees for anything in the future other than what it is now? If you stay with him–and uproot your whole life–based on the expectation that he will eventually want to get serious, you may set yourself up for major disappointment. Unless he tells you his time line for wanting marriage and kids (which is what I think you mean by “serious”) you can’t really assume that he has one. He very well may, but it would probably be a good idea to discuss your needs and expectations with him so that you can decide for yourself if being with him is really what you want. I hope this helps a little!

  • Anonymous

    stop number two is complete bs

  • abb77

    Hi! My boyfriend of two+ years broke my heart a little over 2 weeks ago. he was my best friend. I am a shy person by nature and don’t have a lot of friends, just a couple, and a lot of them have moved because we are all graduating. A week after he broke up with me I found out I was pregnant. Due to circumstances beyond my control (health things) I was not able to keep it and he was there everyday and every night for me all last week. I never really had the reality of the breakup because I found out literally the night he broke up with me, so we were talking and going to the dr, and spending the night together all the time. He truly is the love of my life and I treated him like crap for a long time in our relationship. He has said in the future he MAY CONSIDER trying this again but he does  not know when or how or anything. I will be having a dr. appt follow up for everything in three weeks and he said to call him to tell him how it went. I want him back, I mean, the heart wants what the heart wants. I know I want him, and through this pregnancy and heartache I have learned more than I ever could from a normal breakup. It is so hard to deal with the terminated preganacy and this break up and graduating from my senior of of college. I want him back so bad, and I know he wants space. I am terrible at letting things go, I obsess, and dwell, I even asked him around how long from now he would consider dating me again (I’m such a planner I can’t help it!!). What do you think of all this? I want to give him space and enjoy my life and move foward from this bad experience, but I want to wait for him. I guess I have a few questions…what do you think of all this? And how do I go about letting him go while knowing I still love him? We shared this preganacy and such a curveball of an experience because we are only 22 and I haven’t even graduated college yet. I feel that it brings us together in so many ways I can’t bear the thought of being without him.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. This would be a lot for anyone to bear all at once. Letting go is never easy, particularly when you add the emotions of having and losing a pregnancy. It might take you a while to fully accept this situation as it is, and move beyond the fear and pain. Unfortunately, it’s tough for me to suggest what you should do, as there’s so much I don’t know, and there likely isn’t an easy answer. Have you considered speaking with a therapist? When it comes to deep emotional situations, particularly with loss involved, sometimes the best thing you can do is get some external support.

    You are in my thoughts!
    Lori

  • Alex Bonner

    Hi, my boyfriend of 2+ years broke up with me two weeks ago. He is the love of my life and I KNOW I want to be with him, he’s my BEST FRIEND. The night of the break up I found out I was pregnant. So instead of no contact and growing stronger, we were together everyday and spending the ngiht together. For health reasons, I couldn’t keep the child (I was 6 weeks) and he was there for the whole thing, day and night. The calm after this storm he said he still didn’t want to be with me. He said he MAY CONSIDER being with me in the future but he doesn’t know when and that he needs time and space. I love him and want to be with him, especially after this whole experience with him, we handled a curveball so well together. I am aching. I want to wait for him AND move foward and enjoy my life. Can I do  both? What do you think of this whole thing? I am open to any and everything to move on and/or get him back….please:( (I am 22 and a senior in college, he graduated in may)

  • Alex Bonner

    asfasfa

  • abb77

    could you please delete both the top posts? I accidently posted and I don’t want my name associated with all this personal info! THank you so much for your quick response!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_SC2HYYTADZWYQ5ODYQ3P67WUQY Cynthia Terry

     can someone asnwer a question for me ,how is it that when you meet some one new it seem they want to know all the hurt from your past,like there able to fix it for you when the cant  why why rehash all the old feeling that was seventeen years ago,pleas help what must i do

  • Kaela

    Thanks for this post. It made me feel a little bit better, if only for 2 seconds.
    My fiance cheated on me with a married woman and left our family for her. We have a 5 year old son. Having a kid makes it so much harder because honestly right now im in the stage of guilt and regret, and bargaining, and trying to convince him to get back together, but I know when im out of that stage, it will still be hard because I cant stop talking to him, we have a kid. I cant imagine my life without him, everyday is a struggle, I cry all the time, I think about it all the time. I managed to eat some soup one time in the last 10 days because I feel like im going to be sick, and the anxiety in my stomach is crazy. I know that he knows that I want to get back together, and I know that if he wanted to he would, but I still cant stop thinking about ways to get back together.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry, Kaela. I know this must be incredibly hard–accepting what happened, and then adjusting to a whole new world. I think anyone in your place would also be going through the different stages of grief. It takes time to move past a hurt like this, but it will happen eventually. You are in my thoughts.

    Much love,
    Lori 

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  • Joe

    Hi Lori,
    This is my 1st time reading any of your material, and what I’ve read from you so far has been very inspiring.  I have a difficult situation where me and the mother of my child are parting ways and it has been crushing my heart up to this point, I really do love her with all of my heart.  Normally I would do the whole out of sight, out of mind thing but I am forever glued to this girl through my child.  She wants to be friends, but I just don’t know how to handle that…is is wrong for me to want no contact with her unless it’s something important about our daughter?  But then part of me wants to be her friend because we did have a great friendship during our relationship, but I feel like that may hold me back from opening myself up to anything else.  I feel like it will always give me hope that we will get back together one day, even though I kind of feel in my heart that we will one day, I don’t want to dwell on that belief.  Do you have any advice to offer me on this situation?  Because decision time is right around the corner for me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Joe,

    I’m sorry to hear about your divorce (or break up). I can understand why you’d want to maintain distance when it’s not related to your daughter. I would say to give yourself some time. There will be a point when you no longer hold out hope, and at that point, you will likely be ready for a closer relationship, for your daughter’s sake. It may take a while, but it will happen eventually.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Hilary

    Dear Lori,

    I wanted to thank you for your post. I’ve been going through a difficult time letting go of someone I truly believed to be the person I was meant to spend my life with. I may still in part believe that, but all the goodness of that belief seems gone and only my pretty destructive habits remain. It feels comforting to hear your story, how you let go and that you were able to open yourself up and love again. I also feel this ticking clock, like it’s not happening fast enough. I am
    27 and I often wish that I had already met the man I’m meant to be with and was ready to start a family. I go through all the emotions that you talked about, especially beating myself up for lost time. I really take your lessons to heart and can see already how I can do what you have done. Your process resonates with me and is affirming what my instincts have already tried to tell me! I think now I need to give myself the time to follow through and honor that process of letting go.

    A bit of advice though if you have the time, I share a large group of friends with him and while he lives in New York now and I live in San Francisco, he visits often. I’ve never been able to just cut him out, but seeing him seems to open the wound every time. Should I just skip out on the events that he visits for? They are usually parties and music festivals and I would really only go to these events with these friends… I feel like I am answering my own question as I write this! But it’s hard to miss out on the fun. I suppose I just need to give myself time away until seeing him won’t provoke sadness. What do you think?

    Thank you so much,
    Hilary

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Hilary,

    You are most welcome. I know that ticking-clock feeling. I met my current boyfriend when I was 29, and now at 32, we’re still dating (meaning I am not yet close to having a family). I always imagined I would be in that place by now–but there are also many wonderful benefits of being at this age and not tied down. What’s really helped me is to trust that I am not missing out–that I am in a great place, right where I am, and when the time is right, my boyfriend and I will take our relationship to the next level. I know it can be hard to see that right after a break up, but you will have a family some day, when the time is right.

    I think you DID answer your own question! I know it’s tough to miss out. I think it’s a matter of weighing your needs to see which one is stronger–the need to give yourself time and space away from him, or the need to be part of the fun events that he also attends.

    I hope this helps a little,
    Lori

  • pht

    Hey?? I wonder iff someone help me

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  • lauz

    My boyfriend broke up with me last week. I suffered badly from insecurities and paranoia so was always nagging him and arguing and having tantrums when I didnt get my own way. He worked really hard to put up with me and after seeing a psychotherapist I began to get better but unfortunately he suffers from anxiety and depression which I feel I triggered from my obsessive insecurities at the beginning and couldnt let it go. He was still anxious to tell me he was going to go out or that he was going to be working late as he was scared of my reaction still even though I feel if he had given me the chance, I would have been able to prove to him that I had changed. We had only been dating 10 months and I found the recent 3-4 months to have been the best we ever had, I just feel it sad that I have caused his everlasting anxiety on being scared of my reaction. I received a birthday card from my ex boyfriend in prison on my birthday in August (I have no need or want for him and he is long gone in my life!) but my boyfriend had a complete break down and said he couldnt take it anymore. After a few hours talking we got better and he said that if we broke up yes, he would lose the anxiety of my ex coming out of prison but he would lose the best thing that ever happened to him in his life. Unfortunately because of his anxieties and being withdrawn, I began to stop looking after myself and focus on me and then my insecurities crept back in and we began to bicker since the birthday card. I then told him I felt insecure and that he wasnt making me happy and then he admitted he wasnt strong enough to make me happy and deal with my stuff.
    Bottom line is, I cant help but feel guilty for my insecurities at the beginning which I feel now have had an affect on his anxieties that have lasted long term. If I wasnt such a nagging girlfriend, he wouldnt have been worked up so much for the rest of the relationship and would have probably been able to deal with future matters such as my ex boyfriend in prison etc.
    GRRRRRR I feel so guilty!!!

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  • Maya

    Thankyou Ms. Deschene for this amazing post I’m glad to know that these feelings that I have experienced are not unique and that everyone goes through their process of letting go of a past relationship. I guess what brings back certain feelings for me is when my ex decides to contact me it seems like every couple of months and ask me if I have anyone in my life, it almost sets me back in my healing because I don’t understand why he has to remain in contact with me. His methods seems very strategic I can almost predict when I will get another text or phone call….But I truly thank you because based on your post I know I have to finally create that permanent separation.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I can understand why it would be challenging to get those types of calls. I’ve been in that position before, and it makes it really difficult to fully move one. I’m glad this post helped!

  • Angela

    Thanks for posting this. I left a man who was not good for me. Though I miss him, I know our lives would never blend well. Whenever I get sad about things I remind myself why I left and tell myself I will find the right person one day when the time is right.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. You sound very wise, Angela. =)

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  • Jamie

    I’m having a hard time letting go of a five year relationship its been done for almost a year but I can’t let go I’m in a relationship and things he does reminds me of my ex and I throw it in his face its like he pays for my example mistakes I don’t want it like this but I don’t know what to do I don’t wanna lose him I feel like I’m going to I wanna trust him but its hard cuz of everything that’s happened to me in the past I know he loves me and he’s trying to help me on how to let go but I just can’t figure it out I need help and I don’t know what to do I know if I don’t receive help I will never have a good relationship and it scares me. someone please help me

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jamie,

    I saw your cry for help, and even though you didn’t write this to me, I felt compelled to respond. My best advice for you is to be honest with your current boyfriend. We all have pasts, and we all bring them into our present, at least a little. You spent 5 years with your ex–it’s natural for it to affect you. As long as your self-aware and willing to work on your trust issues, your boyfriend will likely understand and support you.

    When you feel like you can’t trust him, and you suspect it has to do with your past, tell him: ” am feeling BLANK, but I know this has less to do with you than my former relationship.” It’s better to bring him into your emotional experience than to direct it at him. This approach has been very helpful in my current relationship. Before meeting my boyfriend, I only dated casually for more than 8 years–in large part because I carried around a lot of hurt, shame, guilt, and trust issues from the past. I am always honest with my boyfriend, and because he loves me, he is patient and understanding.

    Know that things will get better and easier with time, and be gentle with yourself. This is something I need to constantly remind myself to do, but it makes a huge difference.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • lookingforhappiness

    I am going through a very painful breakup that happened three weeks ago. The worst part is I did the breaking up. I am 20 and I had been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years. Things were getting bad. I am away at college and he would get mad at me for even talking to other guys. When a guy posted on my Facebook wall he wouldn’t talk to me for days. I knew it was not right for me and it took me a long time to realize that and now that I finally did I am so conflicted. I know we shouldn’t be together, but for some reason I am doing what you said I would and only seeing the good things and I know he didn’t love me the way I need to be loved and didn’t treat me the way I want to be treated, but sometimes I convince myself that things will be better and that even though there are all of these bad things, being with him would be worth it. I know this cannot be true, but sometimes I have a terrible lapse in judgment and want to be with him again. I am having personal issues though with being alone, I dated a guy for 4 years before that and since I was so young I have never truly known myself as an individual person. I don’t want to mix up my being scared of being alone with my wanting to be with him. I am starting to go to counseling to get some help learning who I am and trying to be happy with myself. I am uncomfortable with who I am as a person. I also deactivated my Facebook so I didn’t feel tempted to look at his page, which I think would only make me more upset at this stage. This article has helped me a lot and showed me that all the feelings I am going through are normal. It makes me feel guilty for hurting him so bad though, he did care about me and loved me a lot. I am so conflicted. I am determined to know who I am as a person though and I don’t think those things in the relationship will be changed and I need to stop convincing myself they will be. Thank you for the article. It tells me that I really and truly need to work harder at being comfortable with myself. He wants to talk this weekend though and I feel like I should, but I also think that after that we need to cut ties and like you said, not try to hold on. I am only 20 and cannot feel like I can’t find happiness with someone else.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I have to say, you seem wise beyond your years! The fact that you know you need help and you’re seeking it–and that you deactivated your Facebook page to help yourself–speaks volumes about your potential for growth. I know this is a difficult time. Some of my greatest pain has come from the ends of relationships. But there will come a time when you feel happier with yourself, and less conflicted about your ex.

    Sending lots of love your way,
    Lori

  • Julius Sucgang

    Hi there Lori.
    Thanks for posting this and it really helps. I am so down now and words are not enough to express everything. We separated already 2 months ago, but we still have communication. He moved on a different apartment because we’re no longer happy anymore, we just keep on fighting and 0% trust at all, but it’s weird bcoz we still love each other (or is it really love?) So, far that 2 months that we’re not together it’s either me or him keep on popping in and out, it’s like iwe don’t know where to stand. It’s like you can do whatever you want and me too, but it really hurts a lot. To the point that last week, he met someone and he fell in love and he just ignore me, no calls and text messages. What should i do?

  • Delilahwoods0316

    Thank you so much for this post, it brought me to tears because I realize that I haven’t been coping well at all to my break up. I was in love with someone whom I truly thought would change for me. He made me feel so alive, we had a connection unlike anything I’d ever felt before, we were good FRIENDS for 2 years before anything romantic occured between us. It was an on-again off-again disaster for nearly two years. It just gets hard to maintain progress, when I think of him and start longing for him again; I see a picture of him and look into his eyes wondering why we had to meet if we can’t ever truly be together? I still feel like he could have been the one, but our window is gone. After three tries, I just can’t keep tormenting myself, he’ll never change. I struggle to forgive myself, bottle my emotions and then i’ll often drown in these feelings when I do decide to face them – regret, emptiness, a shell of who I was, loss of a part if me that I feel he’s taken from me. Just betrayed and stupid. I don’t know why I won’t just let go, it’s been 8 months since I’ve seen or spoken to him. I thought by now things would have been easier. I’m still in love with him and I believe i’ll always miss him and what could have been… But it’s so comforting and gives me hope to know that others have gone through this and have made it past.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Julius,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I don’t know that I have any specific advice that will help right now, because it is going to hurt for a while. At this point, there’s really nothing to do other than wade through it. If the relationship is over and he has moved on, I suggest surrounding yourself with friends and family who love you, and giving yourself time and space to heal. Letting go of a relationship is a lot like going through the stages of grief–including denial, anger, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Just know that you will get through it, and you will be stronger for it. And you will love again, when the time is right.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think we all go through this, in different situations and ways. I hope this helps you forgive yourself a little more easily. Love and loss are hard, and we do the best we can. You will make it past. It may take a while, but there’s no shame in that. Letting go is not easy! Not for anyone. The fact that you’re looking at your emotions and working toward moving on speaks volumes about your capacity to heal and grow,

    Sending you lots of love,
    Lori

  • Robin

    This is really hopeful.  My husband and I separated almost three years ago after 23 years of marriage.  It ended so badly.  He had an inappropriate relationship with one of his high school students.  I’m not sure how far the relationship went but there were things that made me incredibly uncomfortable and he refused to end the relationship.  I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, and as though I wasn’t enough of a woman to make him happy.  We were high school sweethearts; he was my first love.  I did not see any of it coming.  I thought we had a good marriage.  It wasn’t perfect, but I felt as though we would both be willing to fight for it if a challenging situation came along.  I’ve been through various stages of grief and now I’m somewhere between angry, sad, and acceptance.  However, I finally feel as though I’m letting go.  When my husband and I separated I had no clue who I was without him and now I have the chance to figure this out.  I also now recognize the imbalance of respect and power in our marriage enabled through my living to make him happy.  This article is very affirming for me.  It’s confirmation that what I’ve been feeling is normal (I’m not crazy) and that I’m headed in the right direction.  Thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. That’s a lot to handle, the end of your marriage, and those specific circumstances. How wonderful that you’re focusing on knowing yourself more deeply. Your attitude is really inspiring!

  • Pong

    Hi Lori,

    I was in a 4 year relationship with my ex and he recently broke up with me (I am currently 6 weeks post BU, 5 weeks NC).  He was my first love and this was my first serious relationship and his second.  Having had no prior experience, I eventually lost my identity and became a different person towards the end of our relationship.  I truly believed our promise to spend the rest of our lives together and that he was “the one” and soul mate for me.  I revolved my life around him and believed I only needed him in my life to feel complete.  He became my #1 and only priority.  I gave up all my friends and made myself available to him at all times and expected the same in return.  I depended on him to fulfill my happiness and social needs.  When my expectations/needs were not met, I would lash out at him.  Needless to say this relationship was too much for him to handle and he gave up.  He chose to bottle up his doubts until he couldn’t take it anymore.  This breakup was a complete shock to me.  As pathetic and horrible as I was in this relationship, he had his share of mistakes too.  Ironically, his family is his #1 priority.  He always assumed I’d spend all my time with his family when he only made efforts to meet my parents 2 times in all 4 years.  Whenever I took a backseat to his family or hobbies or friends, it only fueled my toxic behavior, leading to more fighting.  It seemed like a never ending cycle.

    I know I have my work cut out for self-improvement, but I just want my life partner to show he loves me unconditionally and puts our relationship as first priority.  Is it possible for me to find someone who values this as much as I do?  And how do you stop yourself from displaying the same toxic behavior in future relationships?  I can’t let go of the mistakes I made in this relationship or understand why I behaved the way I did.  I used to be so extroverted and lively and independent.  The person I’ve become today is responsible for driving him away and losing him forever. 

    The only thing that is helping me get through right now is the tortuously slow realization that he wasn’t able to provide some of the fundamental things I desired in a life-long partnership.  I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am always second priority.  How can I get out of this rut and stop behaving this way in the future?  Thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Pong,

    I think awareness is the most important thing, so you really are ahead of the game. If you know what you want, both for yourself and in a relationship, you can now work toward that, one tiny step at a time. As to whether or not it’s possible to find the type of person you’re looking for, absolutely! The real question is whether or not you’re prepared to wait for it and not settle for a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your needs. I know how tempting that can be, particularly if you worry that the person you really want to be with might not exist.

    In terms of not repeating mistakes, one thing that’s helped me is to let my boyfriend know what types of things I’m working on, and then getting his support. When you are in a relationship with someone you trust, that might be helpful–to let him know you don’t want to be co-dependent, and get his encouragement when it comes to maintaining your own interests. When you find the right person, you will feel comfortable being honest about your struggles, and that will make a huge difference.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Cvanessago

    Thank you for posting this! I married my highschool sweetheart when I was 18. It was a very unhealthy relationship to say the least. I stayed with him right until I had our daughter. Seeing my daughter gave me the strength to leave. That was about 3 years ago. I am still in the forgiveness stage. I stay up late at night trying to forgive myself for not leaving 2 minutes after I met him. Like you said, I revisit the past and try to change it in my head (“I should have done this… I should have said that”). It kills me that I have to co-parent with him now. There were SOOO many ‘red-flags’ that I should have seen. I often daydream about all this while driving or at work. I just can’t get over how stupid I was.
    Your post has relevence to what i am going through and has opened up my eyes. I will print it out and follow your steps to letting go and forgiving myself. I have a wonderful life… Great family, beautiful daughter and now a man in my life that seems to be everything I ever wanted.

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It’s so tempting to try to mentally change the past, huh? Recently, I’ve been catching the type of thoughts that drag me to a previous event, and replacing them with the question, “Do I really want to hurt me right now?” Because that’s all it does when I dwell on what I should have done.

    It sounds like you’re in a great place right now, with love all around you. I’m so glad my post helped a little in recognizing that. =)

  • Salpi Demirjian

    I am so happy I ran into this article..reading it really helped me see things in a clearer perspective..i have been going through a tough time since my fiance walked out on me..felt like my life shattered in a million peices and im struggling to put my self and life together..i thank you for advice and couraging words…

    Salpi

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome Salpi. Sending you love and light!

    Lori

  • Braydon

    Hey thank you. This actually did help.
    My girlfriend and I actually recently broke up and it seems I want her back more than ever. Memories keep popping up, making the memories seem like they were the greatest things in the world. I think I want her back, alot like Jaycc has said. Maybe it’s more just a contest?

    Whats funny is when we were going out over the two and a half years, I had continuous thoughts of breaking up with her and I don’t know why. I was just scared of the commitment I guess, and so everytime she offered that we would eventually move in together, I always said “Yeah” but not meaning it because I knew it would not happen, because I thought I would break up with her.
    She told me over and over again how she would never break up with me, and so I felt bad about the breaking up thoughts, but also a little scared. Then one day she decides she’s ready to leave the relationship. I basically said “Okay” and thought nothing of it for the rest of the night. It was afterwards when I realized losing her was a huge mistake, and now I can’t get her out of my head a month later.

    Maybe it is just a contest, that I want her back. But I’m not sure.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped. I bet things will get clearer for you with time, since it’s only been a month. It’s hard to see things clearly when you’re still that close to it.

  • Lizabee86

    I feel like a bag of bricks have crushed my heart. My once boyfriend and I were together 14mths. I’ve been hurt, he’s been hurt. We were two hurting ppl trying to make love work. He has children, I don’t. We both grew up without dad bring there, and mom barely there bc they were hurt by what daddy did. I loved him best I knew how even went against what I believed in to love him. He says I used him, never really cared. This whole relationship I played a role. A part. I said we need time apart to become better ppl. Hr said I did this bc I’m selfish. He’s insecure about me making more money. Having a college degree. Why must he be the victim? My birthday was Sunday. He did wish me a happy birthday. That hurt like hell. He says he talks to old friends. He’s removed me from his life it seems. He says he’s angry bc I hurt him worse than anyone. How? He’s hurt me a lot too but bc I love him I didn’t allow it to cause resentment. I dream of him, I smell him, I see him in a lot of ways. I know we need this to be better ppl but why is he letting anger ruin everything.

  • drayluv

    Hi Lori,
    I was in my first same-sex relationship.  Actually, my first ever relationship.  It was a three year college relationship.  A year into it, I cheated. I never told her. It was a stupid, pathetic drunken mistake. She found out 2 years later. Ive hated myself everyday since I’ve cheated, but didnt want to hurt her.  We were broken up for about a month and then she found out the truth.  A mutual friend told her.  It is hard enough losing my best friend and soulmate, but I am not getting over it easily because I feel the weight of the world and all my mistakes hanging on my shoulders. If only, if only I had not done it. I wallow in regret, I believe that I deserve nothing, no love, because of how I hurt her.  She will do better than me, she deserves better. But I cant forgive myself. I dont deserve to forgive myself. and I lost the best thing I ever had.  I cant see anyone but her, and have not been able to get close to anyone else because of the guilt I still feel.  I believe she has moved on, or at least is trying to convince herself too. She did come back briefly after we broke up.. and seemed to still be in love with me, then kind of snapped out of the missing me and told me never to speak to her again. How will I love again, when I cannot love myself anymore? I’m hanging on to hope, though I dont deserve to be forgiven.  There is no excuse for cheating. I completely betrayed her. 

  • LULU

    I am glad I ran into this post, I have been with my ex on and off for the past 3 years. He was there to see me through three of the most challenging years of my life, I lost several close family members within a four month span, lost my home, car, job everything I had hit rock bottom! I moved from one state to the next and had to return to my birth country because of the recession and it was his presence in my life that kept me. My friends were nowhere to be found and family members were all mourning so I had to be pretending to be strong for my mom and other family members when secretly I was falling apart.  He put food on the table, shelter over my head and was the best friend I could ever ask for, but he hurt me because there were times he would just disappear (After the break up I realized he had his emotional struggles going on) and reappear for days. I left him twice and he came back and now he is the one who left me, he is going through a really trying time himself and I wanted to be there for him as much as he was there for me but he won’t let me, he keeps on running. I would want to be there for him at the very least be his friend, a part of me knows we need time apart to heal but a part of me just can’t get through the day not knowing if he is ok. After leaving him I realized that I was not running from him, I was running from the confusion of so many changes going on in my life and everyone giving their opinion on what they think I should do when I have always been a sure person not needing to seek others approval. I went from a life being completely independent and isolated to a life of dependency and sharing it with someone whom I loved but did not know how to be with because it was my first real relationship. I have grown a lot over the past three years and I have made a lot of progress. I now have a place I can call home, I work with my family and I can say that for the first time in my adult life I am happy for the most part! Being that I have not lived here for 13 years I know very little people outside of family and I live in a different city than the one I grew up in so it makes for a lonely existence especially since my ex and I are no longer together. I have embraced the lessons and responsibility for my role in the failing of the relationship, my problem is what to do when there is no friends to call, no one to visit and the only time I’m around people is the three days a week I spend working at the family business. I used to try to go out on my own but with limited income it is very difficult with no distractions my worry for him is server as I know he does not handle the stress well. I get calls every now and then from mutual acquaintances expressing that they have seen him and he is apparently not doing well! What do I do?

  • Gingerjolene

    I have just realised I am still in love with the boyfriend I had at college, we broke up in 2003. I have since been engaged for 4 years and broke it off, and married for 18 months to someone else who I have just left. These relationships were painfully surface and unfulfilling, precisely because I have been harbouring the fantasy that my true love will come back to me. I have secretly fed my love for him for 8 years and have denied myself a future. I know I have to let him go, right now I really don’t want to-I hope I find the ability to forgive myself and sever my connection to him, but right now I can’t imagine I could ever love anyone else in the same way. Thanks for posting. X

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lulu,

    I have to be honest with you–I’m not sure what you should do. This sounds like a complex situation, and there’s a lot that I don’t know about you and your life, so its difficult to offer advice. My best suggestion would be to nurture the relationships in your life–even if there aren’t many.

    I know you mentioned you’re only around people three days/week. Are you close with any of those people? Since money is tight, could you invite any of them over for a game night, or something that won’t cost a lot of money? 

    I have spent a lot of my life isolated, and I have found that letting loose and opening up, even just a little, can make a profound difference. We all need connection with other people. We need to feel like part of the world around us. But all we can ever do is start where we are. 

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Ginger. I know this must be painful for you. I hope you’re able to be good to yourself. That’s been my biggest struggle in life, but when I am good to myself, everything feels a lot more manageable–and the world even seems brighter.

  • IAIN

    i had my first gf over the summer but she went off to thailand for 2 months. she was on my fb but after the break up she didnt talk hardly so i panicked and pestered her. so she blocked me now my chances are ruined. how can i get over the fact she wont be in my life. i was her first bf too and we lost our virginities together. i didnt tell her this at the time but i did once we broke up with having some silly fight

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I really feel for you, because I know that shameful feeling of having done something you regret, and with alcohol involved. I know it might seem like you will never forgive or love yourself again, but you can and will if you want to. That might take time. It starts with realizing that you are not a bad person because you made a drunken mistake. You can both take responsibility for this AND realize that you are not someone to be ashamed of.

    My best advice is to imagine how you would treat your best friend if she were in your shoes. Would you belittle her for what she did? Would you tell her that her ex deserves better than her? No–you would recognize that she is more than her worst choice. And you would be loving and patient to help her heal. Try to do the same for yourself.

    I realize this is all much easier said than done. It took me years to forgive myself. I drowned in shame for far longer than I care to admit. But since then, I’ve done a lot of good, for myself and other people. I hope you allow yourself that same opportunity. You deserve love–period!

    Lori

  • Heather

    My husband and I have been married for 8 years.  Currently and for awhile the marriage has been unfulfilling and I feel our path and dreams have drifted apart.  He says he loves me which I believe but it’s not enough just to hear anymore.  I want out and know that I will go and live out my dreams in life but have guilt that he will be alone and lonely for the rest of his.  He will just exist and not look for happiness again.  The guilt of that is keeping me from divorcing him, how can I get past this?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Heather,

    It’s nice to e-meet you. I can understand your worries for your husband. You’ve shared a lot of time with him, and of course you don’t want him to hurt. I have never been in your shoes before, so my advice does not come from experience. However, I can tell you what I’d tell myself if I were in your shoes.

    You can only make a proactive choice for your own happiness. You can’t be responsible for his. If you are no longer in love with him, walking away is actually a kind thing to do, as it will free him up to find love again. I’m not sure why you think he will always be alone and lonely, but there is a possibility he could meet someone else who WILL feel fulfilled with him. 

    If you have been feeling this way for a while, staying with him is just prolonging the inevitable. So the question is: Do you want to be standing in this same place, feeling these same things a year from now? Two years from now? Ten years from now? Your feelings will only change if you do something to change them. Now is the time to do that.

    I know this won’t be easy. I hope you have good friends and family to support you as you make this tough choice.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • Heather

    Lori this helps alot.  It actually confirms what my friends and family have been telling me.  I guess I needed to hear it from an outside source. Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts.
    Heather

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  • Andrea

    Just came across this and am printing this out now to refer to daily. I’ve been dealing with the loss of a very serious relationship for over 2 years. The relationship ended due to long distance separation and I’ve been dealing with the repercussions of guilt and regret ever since. I find myself, two years later, still battling bouts of depression and sadness over a loss that should be healing but instead seems to be manifesting itself in different forms. After reading these 40 tips, I immediately felt a wave of relief and a sense that if I work for it, I can feel better again. Thank you so much! 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome, Andrea. I’m so glad this helped!

  • Finn

    Thanks for your amazing post. I especially like the part about changing my hopes to broader terms and simply wanting love and happiness in general.  I just got out of a 3 year relationship and after typing in “does letting go of someone mean it’s over?” into google, I came across your post.  At times we already know the answer deep down in our souls, I truly do not think things are completely over between me and my ex and find myself doing searches for things I already know the answer too.  It’s like when I went to a crappy psychic in NYC  and was hoping we would tell me my future. The act of letting go is quite scary but by simply saying to myself, I want love and happiness, instead of telling myself it must be my ex, I can allow myself time to heal.  I truly believe in fate and at times we want to control it.  I try my best to look at what is in front of me.  If for some reason my ex becomes a part of my happy and loving life then I guess I can cross that page when I am meant to.  If he doesn’t, well then at least I am still loving myself more and more everyday.  So to everyone out there like me, obsessing will get you no where, you are complete just as you are right now.  If you feel incomplete and really depressed, try yoga, or therapy, they have both helped me become aware of the present moment, and I continue after a year to make progress, even more than I ever imagined.  LET IT BE, LET IT BE.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks for sharing this here, Finn. You’ve clearly gained a lot of wisdom through this experience, and I’m sure your suggestions will be very helpful to people reading! I can always benefit from reminders that I am complete, on my own, just as I am. =)

  • Here

    My first long term same sex partner of 15 years died 23 years ago.  He truly was my soulmate even though we had some bumpy times. The love was deep though. He always said that he looked forward to us growing old together. I am sure he really meant it. His family was also wonderful to me and very supportive.

    I have done well for myself over time.  Our children are grown and doing fine.

    I have had a loose of sorts relationship with another partner for the last 12 years.  He is a very nice guy, The problem is that I continue to think about my former partner.  Even going around town, I am reminded of places we used to go and things we used to do.  Overall I feel joy about this.  However, I see it as unfair to my current partner as I am not “completely there” for him. The bottom line is that I do not love him as deeply and don’t think I ever will.  He says that he loves me.  We get along well and and share good times although we live separately.

    How do I let go of a ghost of over 2 decades past and move on?

    Thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Here,

    What do you think it would look like to let go and move on? If you can identify what thoughts and behaviors you’d like to change and what’s made that challenging for you, you can start from right where you are and take it one moment at a time.

    For example, if you want to stop thinking about your former partner when you pass places where you made memories, you can recognize those thoughts when they occur and then practice mindfulness, to root yourself in the moment instead of reverting to the past.

    People often think that “letting go” and “moving on” are one-time choices, but the reality is that they entail million little choices–repeated decisions to be in the present instead of living in the past. If you can make a concerted effort to do that when you can throughout your day, those little choices will start adding up, and you will feel more accessible in your current relationship.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Robynkaye01

    My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just left me.  It came out of nowhere.  We were best friends, we very rarely fought, our bedroom time was great,  there was no infidelity or lies.  We had our own time but had tons of fun together, we have always been the couple people get jealous of. I have his initials tattooed on my ring finger, and his only tattoo is my name on his ring finger.  I am so lost, confused and devastated.  I also have a 8 year old daughter that adored him, and he left while she was at her dads and never talked to her.  I’m 28 years old, he is 27.  Just a couple months ago we were looking at places to get married, and he was wanting to start trying for a baby in the next year.  I feel like I’m dying.  I haven’t eaten in over a week, I can’t sleep, and I have a constant headache from crying so much.  I haven’t even been able to stay at work for a complete shift.  I am a bartender, he spent a lot of time at my work, and people ask where he is or how he is doing, or tell me to tell him hi.  And when I tell them we broke up they are in complete shock, and I start bawling. Everyone keeps saying we will get back together.  But my ex told me today that there will never be an “us” again.  Our lives are doing in different directions, and I need to accept it.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I don’t have closure because I don’t understand what happened or how he can just overnight go from loving me to completely shutting me out and not really talking to me about it.  He has only sent some texts, wouldn’t do it to my face.  I have never been dumped in my life, and I definitely never thought the man I was head over heels in love with and planning to marry would suddenly be the one to do it.  Please Help. 

  • Limbo

    I loved this! I’m just a youngin’, 20 years old, but I just broke up with my boyfriend. I’m confused because when i’m up and about doing things, I feel wonderful. I know that breaking up with him was the right choice and i’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing.  I’m not strung up on that really. But when I get home and i’m done with all my tasks, it gives me time to think and feel. Sleeping has particularly become a problem. I’m basically afraid to go to sleep. To sit still and just be. I DO understand it’s a grieving process, but my question is what can be done to help the things we can’t really change? For example, I have to drive the same route past his house to get to campus everyday. Or how he thinks it’s so cute how I curl up in blankets whenever I’m falling asleep. Whenever I get into bed, I think of that and it kinda makes me freeze up. Of course I have to sleep. And I can’t fall asleep any other way. Stuff like that is holding me back because it brings up all the emotions that I had with him. How do I move on? :/

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Limbo,

    I have to say, you seem like a much wiser 20 year old than I was! Have you ever listened to any guided meditations? I often listen to a healing meditation as I fall asleep, which helps me clear my head and release whatever emotions may have arisen during the day.

    As far as those triggers that evoke difficult feelings, they will become less powerful with time. Since you just broke up with your boyfriend, there’s probably a lot that feels raw. But as you get further away from this breakup and start to let go a little more fully, those triggers will have less of a grip on you.

    I know it might not sound comforting to hear “time heals all wounds,” but it’s a cliche because it’s true. If you can be with the feelings, instead of running from them, you will eventually work through them.

    Lots of love,
    Lori

  • Limbo

    Lori,  
    Thanks so much! It’s really nice to actually get a reply back! Yeah, I realized after I sent that first message that it really does come down to time and just working through it. But I do like your meditation routine. I will have to try that.  Do you just use music (calming, serenity sounds) or are there words that direct your thoughts at the same time (probably with a nice ambiance sound in the background)?Again, thank you! :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I use guided meditations with words. A number of them I found on YouTube, but I also have a few that I got from a woman who makes hypnosis MP3s. I find the imagery and messages to be really empowering and helpful!

  • Adrienne

    Many parts of this have made an emphasis on my life. I’m a graphic design major and i’ve been thinking of a storyboard for something that really inspires me. This blog reminds of a happy version of  “Up”. Sad from a distance but with time, people unexpected seem to make a random appearance. I really do love your way of thinking and your outlook on life. I would love to know more. Or any additions you’ve made to this. I want to use it, is possible, for an inspiring senior future animation. Something that inspires the younger generation that losing someone isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world but yet, something to grow/learn from. Please contact me:

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  • Danielladsouza1993

    i broke up with my boyfriend. we went into college and we’ve been dating for 2 years. unfortunately he was having a good college experience but i wasnt. we’re 3 hours apart but barely saw eachother but thats not why i wasnt happy. i just didnt adjust well to college and i became sad and mad all the time and i really do love him so i let him go. not to make me happier but because i didnt want to drag our relationship down and ik he deserves better. ik i need to let go but its hard when i never wanted to let him go. i truely did it because i loved him. i dk if he’ll ever understand how much it takes for a person to do that

  • Ymoney264

     MRS MERCY
    have been scammed by three casters that promised me and get my money trying all my means to stop my marriage from hitting the rock..i was so desperate to keep my family as my husband wants a divorce..i seek everywhere to stop my marriage from collapsing..i seek spiritual helps to get things right but all i talked with never did anything for me..when i ask them for my money since they cant give the results they promised, they threaten to curse me if i ever talk to them again or let people know about this..i can help you with the few liars i have worked with if you talk to me here templeoflove1@gmail.com.I have just seen the result of the spell i did with templeoflove1@gmail.com.. he is real and genius and i got real results.. never let this mad people online here pretending to be what they are not get your money anymore.. he gets paid for his services after he has giving to you what he wanted.. anyone asking for payments before results is a fake.. its a life time opportunity i have gotten.. never let it go too..

  • Guess1986

    Wow is all i can say..this helps alot

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped. =)

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  • N word

    Thanks Lori. I googled, “no closure, is he coming back” because I really wish he would. But I had my chances. In addition, he was 20 years younger than I. Age wasn’t a factor in our relationship, but I always felt it would be someday. He was the first love I ever had. He had so much patience and really enriched my life by doing all these sweet things. One time, he gave me his Christmas presents because I’m separated from my family. He also spent holidays with me because he knew I had no one. I remember him helping me blow up 6 packages of balloons for a party. I couldn’t handle myself and he warned me that he would leave if it kept happening. Of course, I let it, I sabotaged us. One night, it came to a head and that was it. May 1, 2010 at 9 a.m. Now, I just sit around feeling sorry for myself and crying. I don’t go out much anymore and feel like the life has been sucked out of me. He changed his number and I know it now because he’s a web geek, but I don’t want to hurt him or me, so I don’t call. Four years, no closure. I’m a mess. :(   

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through such pain right now. I know all about sabotaging relationships. I think for a long time I did that because I didn’t believe I deserved love and kindness. So I have to ask: Is that the same for you? 

    I have some additional questions for you (that you don’t need to answer for me–they’re just for you):

    -Are you beating yourself up about this? And if you are, what would you say to a friend who was in your shoes? (This always helps me be kinder to myself).

    -Do you know that you are worthy of love and that you will know love again? 

    -Do you believe that you deserve to feel good right now?

    -Are there things you can enjoy that you can start scheduling into your day?

    -Are there friends who you can call to pull you out of your house?

    He might not give you the closure you need, meaning you might have to give it to yourself. But you can only do that if you forgive yourself. This has always been the hardest thing for me. When I’ve felt as though I “ruined” relationships (including friendships) I’ve wallowed in shame. What’s helped me is to realize that I am a good person, I am constantly learning and growing, and my mistakes do not define me. Yours don’t define you either. 

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Lost & Confused

    I’m really hoping this and any other articles I can find will be helpful. I’ve been in love with this girl for over 2 years. We both have imperfections, but I didn’t notice until it was too late that I was the one doing all the fighting FOR the relationship while she was always wanting to let me go. I would get upset with her screaming and name calling, and I would try to talk to her about how it made me feel. Within 30 min, it would end up being me that was wrong for trying to make her feel bad. She has a lot of issues with hating her mother, father, step-father, and a few others. My fear is I don’t know if it is me really being that bad of a guy, or her not knowing how to love through all the hate. She’s breaking up with me…again…as we speak. I told her i’m done chasing after her and if i’m not what she wants, I’m just going to learn to accept it. We were supposed to even get married in Dec. She left me two months ago after calling off the wedding and moved back to her mother’s. I’ve not seen her since. She talks to me everyday, telling me things haved changed. So I planned to move her back into our home. Yet the bipolarity of she loves me/she loves me not remains. I’m getting ready to turn 30 and she will be 23. I am so lost, and I feel like I’m too old to keep up with this kind of dramatic rollercoaster ride. :(

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lost & Confused,

    I’m so sorry about your break up. I can only imagine how painful this has all been for you. It sounds like not being together is a good thing for you right now. This type of drama would wear on anyone. I hope you’re surrounding yourself with friends and family who love you. I know I wouldn’t have gotten through some difficult times in my life if not for the support I got from people around me. 

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • Libby

    Great thoughts, my long term partner left 3 months ago and I have been clinging on to the memories like a life raft, but am really desperate to let go now!  these reflections will be a good way forward, thanks

  • Beyond_hope68

    Very good article, I am just having a difficult time putting these tips into practice. Have you ever heard of abandoned wife syndrome? I was in a stable marriage for 22 years. I thought we would be together forever – we had weathered many storms and were basically happy (so I thought). Four weeks ago, completely out of the blue, my husband told me he was leaving. I was absolutely devestated. His reasons were vague and confusing. Three weeks ago I found out about his girlfriend (not from him but from a friend of my daughters). I am shattered. I can’t eat, am having nightmares, I can’t work. I am seeking some kind of miracle for this pain to stop. Has anyone else experienced anything similiar? Can anyone offer any words of advice? 

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I haven’t experienced something similar, as I’ve yet to marry and my longest relationship was three years. But I know what it feels like to think pain could break you. I know what it feels like to think everything’s over, and to have no idea how you’ll go on. My best advice for you is to take this day by day, and surround yourself with people who love you–people who will sit with you when you need to cry and pull you out at other times so you don’t do only that.

    You’re dealing with a tremendous amount of uncertainty now, and that can be one of the most difficult things in life. There’s no answer here as to how to deal with that. It’s a matter of doing your best to find peace while you come to terms with what happened, understand and work through your feelings, and then figure out what’s next. Be patient and kind to yourself. You’re going to need that.

    You may also want to consider seeing a therapist since this is such an overwhelming devastation. That may help you function better day to day, in terms of eating and sleeping. During some of the most difficult times in my life, therapists made a huge difference.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Beyond_hope68

    Thank-You Lori – yes it helps….this is what I  have been doing for the most part. I am just worried that the people I love who have been holding me up are going to get tired of it because this is taking so much time which from what I’ve read is to be expected. My counsellor’s advice hasn’t really helped. She told me to “get angry and stay angry” well I’m generally not an angry person so I am uncomfortable with this. i am searching for the ability to accept, let go, and forgive as I feel this is the only true way to free myself from the pain and find peace…I will keep trying. God bless you for your time and kind words.

  • Manuel

    I found myself in tears of happiness after reading this. It helped me so much more put things in perspective and made me excited about my future. Thank you so much, Lori, your words are providing me with that little light to see past the fog. 

  • I lived it too.

    Your husband sounds like classic mid-life crisis.  I lived through something similar.  Understanding the pattern behind it might give you some peace.  Try DivorceBusters or a similar forum.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Manuel. I’m so glad this brought you some peace!

  • lukeariez

    Great write up. However I’m confused about what I feel or what should I feel if that’s possible. If I may share a story with you Lori or anyone willing to read this. I got married to the woman of my dreams (at the time I thought) during the relationship before the marriage period we had issues. My issues were I always complained about not being appreciated. I used to always want to hang out with her, I would always drive to her city and spend the weekend with her and her famiy. She used to have an attidude when she didn’t get her way but I always gave her the benefit of doubt because she hadother good qualities. During the relationship before marriage her mom became bi polar and border line personality disorder she ended up going to the hospital and I supported my girlfrien at the time througout the whole ordeal. I even helped bring her dad back home after he left his wife and my girlfriend because of his depression. Fast forward I gave my wife the best wedding I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on the wedding but I did. Cost me around 50k. We got married and moved in together within a month and a half my wife left me and wanted a divorce. The problem started when her mom and family would constantly call her like ten times a day just to be nosy also whenever we had discussions about our life affairs such as moving to a different city or anything in general she would always ask her family for their opionion and never asked me for mine. As I mentioned earlier she had an attidude about her and it. Became worse when we got married whenever I with disagree with her she would not talk to me in a calm matter but with attidude. I started to put my foot down by challenging her way of thinking. I did it with a calm and loving approach it didn’t work. Eventually she left me cause she basically didn’t want someone who is going to have his own opionion and wanted everything to revolve around her family and job. So now divorce went through and we made 20k from wedding gifts (cash) that she wanted half yet I am the one who paid for the entire wedding not her also she took all the shower gifsts even a sugar bowl and left me in an apartment in a city where I have no family or friends, I moved there for her. I feel sad, angry, hurt, pissed and empty. I want to sound of on her and her family because I feel that she did me wrong by not breaking my heart but she demanded materialistic things from me when she didn’t deserve it but I had to do it or else battle it out with lawyers so it was not worth the headache. My friends and family keep saying its not worth it to sound off on her because you will gain nothing, how can this be? Why should she get away thinking she is entitled to anything and she basically left me and broke my heart for no justified reasons. I was always good to her, gave her love, attention and always listened to her express herself. I just feel like I can’t let go of the pain or memories of what she did to me. Than I get flashback of her sweet smile and how sweet she used to be with me and I cath myself feeling remorse for her but I feel like I shouldn’t. I’m sorry for the long rant and hopefully I was somewhat coherent. Thanks for reading this. I’m just confuse of what to do in terms of sounding off on her and how to move on.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Luke,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your painful divorce. I can only imagine how hurtful this has all been for you. A couple of things stood out in what you wrote–the first, that you had issues before you got married, and the second, that your ex-wife has a family history of mental illness. Is it possible that she didn’t do everything she did because she feels entitled and she was being selfish, but rather because she’s hurting somewhere down below her misguided actions? This doesn’t justify the way she treated you, but perhaps it may help you eventually transform your anger into compassion. 

    You didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t appreciate you. And you definitely deserved more respect and kindness than she showed you through the process of separating. But it’s possible she’s really hurting, too, and she did the things she did in an attempt to stuff down her pain. People will do all kinds of things to avoid addressing their real emotions and challenges. Walking away with a lot of money can feel like a victory when other things are falling apart. But she is likely still dealing with a lot of stress and possibly guilt over various things in her life. I’m sure a part of her feels guilty for hurting you. 

    Perhaps when you have some time and space, you will be able to look at her not with anger but with understanding (which doesn’t have to mean you condone what she did). That could be a big part of what helps you heal.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Finn

    I’m not the same guy my wife kicked out 6 yrs ago and I thought she would see that. We have 2 kids and share custody and get along well. I hung onto hope she would eventually see I’m not the same man. I tried dating but it didn’t work out. She had an affair with a married guy and he hurt her badly, she cried on my shoulder several times and she is seeing him again. It breaks my heart. I’ve finally come to the realization that she will never see. How do I let go so I can move and not hurt or be affected by it.

  • lukeariez

    Thank you Lori for your kind words and taking time to read what i wrote. I know there are bigger problems in the world we live in than the issues i rised. I have been telling myself for the past month it could have been worse however I do feel regret and very foolish. The signs of the problems i have seen during the relationship i had the blinders on and thought once we live together it would be better or someway she would change. Its very embrassing when people telll me congrats on the wedding or ask me how marriage life is, i dont know how to respond to them so i lie and say its great. I hate lying i am always one to express whats on my mind in a constructive and respectful manner so it kills me that i have to lie about marriage life. Most importantly Lori I i have to see her in court and really uncomfortable about it and believe me i dont wish any harm on her or wish her any bad. I understand she is immature and misguided by certain memebers of her family but i feel that i should write her a final bye letter nothing disrespectful but telling her what she did was wrong, unfair however at the sametime to tell her all i wanted was the best for you. Is this wasting my time writing this email? Or should i just bite the bullet and just walk away and learn to forgive myself instead. Thanks Lori for your input much appreciated.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about all the pain you’ve been through. My main question for you is this: Is there a part of you that wants to hang on stronger than the part of you that wants to let go? 

    If you’re fully committed to letting go, what would need to happen in order for you to grieve the end of your marriage? Would you need to set firmer boundaries so that you don’t feel an emotional connection? Would you need to only speak to her if it pertains to your children (for now)? Would you need to accept that she may never acknowledge you’ve changed, and then forgive yourself regardless?

    Getting past a relationship really is like grieving a death. I know it’s infinitely more challenging when there are children involved. But essentially, you need to give yourself time and space to accept that this is now a co-parenting relationship with no hope of a romantic future. Even though it’s been six years, if you’ve never accepted that this is over, you essentially need to start the process now. Know that it is a process. It might not happen overnight.

    But if you want to let go, and you identify what would help you do that, you will be able to work through the emotional pain–and only after you’ve done that work will you be able to let go.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I would suggest writing it–get everything out–and do it by hand. Not an email. Write a long letter expressing everything you think and feel. Then ask yourself when you’re done: Do you still feel like sending it? You may find it cathartic to just write it and burn it. If you feel it will help you get closure to send it, send it. Regardless, you will need to forgive yourself. It’s a matter of what will help you do that.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Bridget

    Hi Lori,

    Love the piece, it’s been a few months since my boyfriend and I broke up and I think I am doing just fine in my life now that I’ve taken the time for serious grieving.  But now the problem is that once in a while he says hi online and suggests to skype but then doesn’t respond later when I finally work up the courage to send a message about when.  Maybe he is just confused and most likely has no idea the effect it has on me but I feel like it’s time I said something.  I want to tell him I miss him and for this reason he can’t just say hi and then ignore me, because it hurts.  And that maybe he needs to just let me go.  But maybe its best to just not say anything at all? We had a very open honest relationship but I don’t want to seem like a desperate ex that is holding on and falls head over heels as soon as he says ‘hi’. And then there is the real truth – I don’t want him to let me go.  Any advice?   Thanks so much for your time.      

  • DEC

    Thank you for posting this it is very helpful. I have a situation were I was with this woman for 3 years and it turned out to be lies. We both lied to each other and we both cheated on each other. We tryed workin it out just because I know there is still a lot of love between us. I had caught her in the shower with someone else and flipped out even though we was considered broken up it hurt me more than anything. I then asked her who do u want to be with and she said the other guy. So now that we are kinda seeing each other it is difficult because she still talks to this guy, she says that they are just friends but it hurts me a lot to even see her communicate with this person. She doesn’t see nothing wrong about it but I sure do. I just feel like in my heart and my mind that I know we can make it work but idk if I am stupid for staying around. If anyone has any advise or anything that could help please write back.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Bridget,

    I’m glad this post was helpful to you. I know that feeling of hanging onto an ex, and I know it can be hard to let go! I think it’s wonderful that you’re so self-aware in this situation. You know that you don’t really want to let go yet, and that this communication with him keeps you stuck. So what does your gut tell you?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this painful situation. I can see why it would be hard to let go, since she’s letting you back in but not in the way you want it. It seems to me that seeing her in this way may only fuel false hope for you. I call it false because she’s making it clear through her words and actions that she does not want to be with only you. You two can only make it work if she’s open to that, as well.

    So my question for you: If you knew that she would only want to be with you casually, like this, while seeing other people, would you decide that it’s good enough for you? If you realized she wouldn’t change her mind after seeing you in this way for a while, would you be willing to stay? if you know that you need more, than I suspect that’s your answer. It’s just about whether you’re ready to walk away from what is clearly not what you want.

    I know it’s far more easily said than done–but it may help to remember that we teach people how to treat us. If you stay in this situation, you are essentially telling her that this is okay with you. If you walk away completely and tell her to only call when/if she knows she wants to be with only you, you then create the possibility of a reconciliation when you BOTH are ready to start over, with only each other. I’m not say you should walk away and then wait for her. I’m suggesting that walking away opens you up to the best possible outcome–whether it’s with her or someone else who you could be equally happy with.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • Patio365

     im not a big writer my spelling and english blow. I can only tell you that your insight to letting go of the past is spot on .Ive been struggling a long time with this and for the first time in decades im finaly free of it thanks to you and few other meaning full people but your 10 steps was the missing piece that I have been looking for for very long long long time . I have a new meaning in life to look forward and use the things that ive learned in the past as building blocks for my furture and maybe one day ill be able to shake your hand in person and thank you . To all the other people out there struggling with letting go just do what it says loose your fear and just let go.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks for the note! I’m so glad this post was helpful to you. I really think the biggest lesson for my happiness has been learning to let go. Everything that hurts comes from clinging to something. And while I know I will do this sometimes because I am human, it helps me tremendously to remember that I can let go over and over again–no matter how many times I hurt, I can always heal.

  • Esna2002

    Hello Lori
    Thank God i opened this page

    esna

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad it helped Esna!

  • Karissa

    I seem to be
    struggling with a very painful experience from a couple of years ago and just
    can’t seem to let things go. I was with a guy
    for two years. Completely out of the blue three years ago, he ended it – even though
    he had asked me to move in with him three weeks beforehand – which took me
    completely by surprise. A month after this break up I discovered he was dating
    a girl fifteen years younger than him who, six months earlier, there had been
    rumours of their ‘friendship’. We had previously had discussions/arguments
    about this person as his behaviour with her was quite inappropriate – as was
    hers with him. I was assured that they were just ‘friends’ and there wasn’t any
    interest on either side. Needless to say I was completely thrown by this revelation
    and very upset. Considering the girl had been the bane of my life for so many
    months, caused so much upset and my self confidence had been practically
    destroyed by her and all his other female interests whilst I was in the
    relationship, I took it quite badly. The fact that all three of us worked for
    the same company and this had taken place under my nose and I was completely humiliated
    by his actions was also quite hard to take. The last conversation we had was to
    ask whether he had cheated on me – he assured me he hadn’t but I’m still not
    sure. The man I thought he was never existed and he
    turned out to be a very manipulative, cruel, callous, selfish and compulsive liar. Four months after our split
    they moved in together.

    I struggled
    to move on and get over everything for quite a while and in the end I took
    redundancy and left my job as I was unfortunate enough to see him every other
    day and I was struggling to draw a line under the whole experience. I sometimes
    still question whether I made the right decision in leaving but I had just had
    to put the whole thing behind me and this was the only way to do it. So far,
    things have worked out for me – for now – on that front and life was good and I
    thought I had left it behind. I hadn’t thought about it for ages. However, a
    few months ago I had the misfortune to bump into his girlfriend who took great
    delight in making sure I knew that she was expecting his child. Considering he
    told me he didn’t want kids this knocked me for six. Ever since then it feels
    like I’ve gone over and over the events of a couple of years ago and I now seem
    to be feeling the same way I felt all those years ago – even though I thought I
    was done with the whole episode. I don’t want to be with him – he wasn’t the
    guy I thought he was – I’m glad he’s gone and he’s out of my life, however, I
    just can’t seem to stop thinking of the past and that bad time and reliving all
    the nasty things he said and how he treated me. The fact that he has settled
    down and is happy with the girl he ditched me for and is now getting married
    and has children when I had to turn my life on its head just to get away from
    the pair of them really upsets me and I can’t seem to get past the injustice of
    it all. I am still single and at the age where I should be settling down and
    having kids and yet I’m starting to think this has passed me by as it took me
    so long to get over that bad relationship.

    Whenever he’s
    mentioned – we have mutual friends – I start to go over things again and it
    annoys me that this is still having an effect on me. I want to stop thinking
    about this and accept the past, let it go and just be myself again, but I keep
    having this reaction. It’s like a scab being ripped off an old wound. Any help
    to stop thinking about this and ways to control my emotions would be much
    appreciated. The articles on this site have been very helpful – but sometimes I seem to slip a little bit back to that time.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Karissa,

    I can understand why it would be challenging to let go, considering the overlap in your lives. I know for me, one of the most effective ways to help myself let go is to create space from whatever it is I want to release.

    The first thing I want to tell you is that love has not passed you by. As long as you are still breathing, there is always chance to enter a healthy relationship with someone who will treat you as you deserve. I know what it feels like to think you wasted time. What’s helped me is to view everything as a learning experience. Obviously this whole situation was painful to you–but what can you learn from it that might help you going forward?

    It might help to come up with some practices you can use when you start “slipping” or getting caught up in thoughts about the past. I wrote another post that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/

    These are just some little ideas to let go from moment to moment. Really, that’s all we can ever do–take it one moment at a time, and trust that we are making progress!

    I hope this helps,
    Lori

  • Kimjason2010

    Hi, my name is Jason. I’ve been struggling immensely over a breakup for more than 2 months. My ex girlfriend and I met last November 21st. It felt like a god send when she came into my life. I still feel like she is the love of my life and the one that I let go. I have never felt so much pain or agony in my life. We broke up august of this year after living with each other for 9 months. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time together but we were with each other everyday and had every meal together. We broke up due to my stupidity and broken promises. After the initial breakup, I made every single mistake a man could make, showing up in front of her house, pleading, begging, and this went on for 2 months. I sent her flowers and everything imaginable. She got so fed up, she changed her number, moved out of the place we shared, changed her email. Now I have no idea where she is and no way of contacting her. I know deep inside Im a great guy but in her eyes I’m just a crazy psychopath. I’ve been holding onto the hope that someday she’ll contact me but it just kills me inside to know that she won’t. I just want peace in my heart, I’ve cried countless nights thinking of what could have been. We were going to get married and had names picked out for our future babies. It’s hard, it’s just hard. All I know now is where she works, I even showed up to her work one time to give her flowers which was the greatest mistake of my life. It didnt only embarrass me but embarrassed her. People around me tell me to let go and move on but she really was the woman of my dreams. I was just so caught up in other things to realize this. Now she is gone forever and I miss her so much.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jason,

    My heart really goes out to you. I think we’ve all done “crazy” looking things when we’ve been head over heels in love. It can be so hard to accept when something good has run it’s course. I hope you’re not being too hard on yourself. You may have made mistakes, but you were hurting–and you’ve learned from them.

    One thing that really helped me when I felt like I lost the love of my life was to remember that I could feel those feelings again. It didn’t seem like it at the time–but I am actually much happier with my current boyfriend than I ever was with my ex. There will come a time when you are blissfully in love again. Your ex is not the only woman of your dreams. Of course it may take a while to grieve this relationship, so be patient with yourself. You’ll get there.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Nathan

    “It is extremely difficult for me because this girl was THE FIRST girl I ever fell in love with.”

    I’m in the exact same position at the moment mate, hope your doing alright now =)

  • ruby duarte

    Wonderful…well said. :) Thank you.

  • Buddy_johnpaulsilvestre

    Saying THaNK YOu is Not Enough for a very big help that you’ve made in my mind just right after reading your post.

    Always take care.

    Love, John

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome!

  • dee

    Hello Lori,

    I feel so relieved after I read ur post, It made me realize what  I could have done for almost 2 years ago. Until now I’m still in deep pain with my 5 year relationship. I was mentally in prison, lost my control and I jumped off into unsuccessful relationships. Now, I’m with someone who really loves me and cares so much for me but I feel so gulity coz I know deep down I’m not yet over my ex. I dream about him all over and I hate the fact that there are times he will just come accross my mind. I thought I have moved on but I guess I’m not. I really want to make things right by letting go and forgive myself but at the same time I don’t want to lose the person  I have now. I know I have to but, can I deal with this while I’m holding on im my present relationship? I’m just so affraid of losing him, I don’t wanna make same mistakes just like before. I don’t want to hurt him, I even want to share everything I felt in our relationship, I don’t like pretentions and I don’t wanna hurt him. I tried to open my heart again and start a serious relationship coz I thought this is possible. But as the day goes by, I realized I’m just fooling myself and I can’t afford to hurt someone like him again. Pls helop me, I don’t wanna lose him. I wanna be emotionally ready without losing him.  Please help me :(
    Godbless!

  • Karissa

    Dear Lori
     
    Many thanks for replying and your advice – it’s very helpful. I’ve never written to a website or talked to anybody I don’t know personally about stuff like this before, but writing everything down and ‘getting it off my chest’ seemed to make me feel a bit better. Maybe it was a bit of a catharsis that was needed.
     
    Hopefully I can move on from that very painful episode in my life and forget about the whole experience.
     
    Many thanks for the link to the other article to.
     
    Thanks again
     
    Karissa

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Dee,

    I can feel the pain you’re going through, and I really feel for you! Have you considered talking to your current boyfriend about what’s holding you back in terms of fulling letting go of your past relationship? If you want to be in this new relationship, then it might help to take away that feeling of shame/secrecy related to holding on to your former one. In this way, you’re letting him in instead of shutting him out. I don’t mean saying, “I still have feelings for my ex.” (This may not go over well.) But you could tell him that you sometimes struggle to completely let go of the past, and you want to be honest with him about that because you really want to give him all of you.

    If you feel like you can’t be honest with him in this way–and that you can’t fully let go of your ex on your own–then perhaps you aren’t emotionally ready to move on yet. There’s nothing wrong with that if you aren’t. There’s no right or wrong length of time for letting go. It’s just a matter of recognizing where you’re at and honoring that.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Louloud1

    Hi Lori,
    I’m currently going through a break up of my first long-term relationship (almost 2 years). We broke up 2months ago and I’ve never felt in so much pain.. We had an amazing relationship he even came to visit me in my country he’s english I’m not. We met at uni and now I finished but I’m still in England continuing my studies in a different university. We both knew it was going to end but I never realised how it’d have been to actually do it. He broke up with me when I moved to a different city (not far from where he lives) because he wants to be single again. We said we’ll stay friends and we did. We’ve been meeting regularly for concerts mostly because we share the same music which is for both of us a big part of our lives. 

    I think I was getting better but last week we ended having sex and it was great and now all the work/progress I made is gone. We said we shouldn’t have sex anymore because I told him I’m worried I’ll be attached again.. I’ll see him again a few more times in the next couple of weeks. In the end of this week we’ll meet and talk, for my own sake as he said..

    When I’m with him there’s nothing awkward and we talk and laugh like we used to. But when I go home afterwards it’s like I’m in hell. I used to be strong and independed and I didn’t want to be in a relationship when we started dating. now it’s the other way around and I hate myself for giving so much. 

    He seems to have gotten over me. He didn’t show any regret of breaking up with me and it makes me wonder if he ever actually loved me, if any of what we’ve been through was real. I know it was because he’s a nice guy but I don’t get how he can get over it so quickly. and I’m jealous of that, I know it’s selfish to think that way but I wish I got over him first. and I’m obsessing over silly things like facebook (breakups where much easier to get through in the pre-facebook era…!!) who he adds, pictures, comments…

    I’m doing a masters right now on something that I thought I liked but it turns out it’s not what I was expecting, and I have no will to study. I don’t have many friends in this country, at least no close friends. I have taken up new activities/skills but there are times that I cannot concentrate. Even if I’m out with friends I find myself in pain. I have a constant pain in my chest (like when you’re stressed) and I find it really hard to motivate myself to do anything. The mornings are my worsts, I wake up early, stressed and thinking about him. I then end up being tired all the time.. And the worst part of all I don’t enjoy doing stuff that I used to like like painting, playing music, craftmaking etc. 

    I’m thinking maybe it’s better if we cut off completely, but then I don’t want to. He’s the closest person I have here and only when talking to him I feel happy. We have mutual friends and been out with them and it’s fine, but If I cut off I’ll miss out on that, because I used to be part of it and now I’m not. 

    I feel like I’m holding on a pole and the situations are pushing me from the legs but I don’t let go. It’s tiring, not fun and painful. 

    P.S:Your article is really great but I don’t seem to be motivated to do any of that. Why is it sooo damn hard? I must admit though, I feel better now that I wrote all these! But I know it won’t last long… it never does.

  • Louloud1

    I ment pulling my legs and I don’t let go :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lou,

    I’m so sorry to hear about all the pain you’re going through right now. It sounds like there was a lot of pressure on this relationship, because of the fact that you don’t have many close friends near you right now. I’ve been in that place before, and I know it can make it even harder to move on because you’re not only losing someone you love, you’re losing your complete support system.

    I know this may sound cliche, but men are often different than women when it comes to emotions and sex. For most women, sex is an emotional attachment, whereas men can often compartmentalize. If he seems to have moved on, and you hope for more, maintaining a physical relationship with be torturous. It will evoke all kinds of feelings and resentments toward him because you want something that is no longer there–at least at this point in time.

    I know it’s much easier to ask for advice than take it, which is why you don’t feel motivated to do any of these things. The reality may be that you are simply not reading to let go emotionally. You were together for two years and it’s only been two months. And since you are having sex, you likely haven’t fully started the process. It really is like grieving a death, with stages that include shock and denial; pain and guilt; anger and bartering; depression and loneliness; an upward turn; and acceptance. If you create some space from your ex, you will go through these different steps over time. This means you will inevitably hurt, and you’ll feel better at times and then hurt again.

    The important thing to remember is that it will not always be like this. There will be a time when you don’t feel such immense pain when thinking about the relationship. You will move on eventually and you will love again.

    I hope this helps.

    Lori

  • Katieali93

    Same situation. I’ve been with my current bf for nearly 4 years and it was great but recently has been bad, I want to end it to avoid any further damage but I just don’t know what to do. Its incredibly hard to do. I commend you in being able to break up with your love.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344739556 Pamela Calvo

    Hi Lori!

    I just broke up with my second boyfriend. I loved him really much (in fact I guess that, since it was just two days ago, I still do). My first relationship ended up terribly, and I ended up really depressed (as in clinical depresion). I started dating with my second bf just two months after that, so unfortunately I never built self-confidence. It was a peaceful yet sad break up since we still love each other, but things just weren’t working out anymore. I’m trying not to feel that sad and move on, I’m trying not to feel guilt and be happy for the good times, ’cause this love was really magical.
    (I’m trying! But sometimes I get sad…)

    Since my two relationships ended and started so closely, I feel as if I haven’t been single in 8 years, so I don’t really remember my single self. I gotta start working on that, and get off this feeling that I’ll never meet someone as awesome as my 2nd boyfriend. Wish me luck and peace!

    Thanks for this! I specially loved this quote: “When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.” cause I feel related to it.

    I actually tried to hold on a lot, out of fear, but my ex was more objective and I think he was right: breaking up was the best for both. I hope we can meet again and be friends, ’cause I know we’ll always be special persons for each other, even not as lovers.

    PS: Sorry for any mistakes, I’m a native speakers and I don’t feeling like reading this again (I actually read it twice).

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Pamela. It sounds like you’re remarkably self-aware, and that’s a great start to developing more confidence and eventually opening up to another love. Sending you peace and love. =)

  • Amit Malhotra

    Wonderful post.

    Here is my story. I am a guy with emotions, 28. I’m from Asia, and she (22) is from europe. We’ve been together for 2.5 years. We’ve had a great time. When she used to ask about being together, I used to say that I feel scared that if you will leave me tomorrow; I could not tell her that as the culture I love to live with the person forever, and if anything is wrong with our love, I am happy to do anything to fix it but I cannot accept to be alone in the middle of our marriage. I want to be only one women person.

    The things that I was holding back, I could not tell her till the last moment comes, because I was scared by every moment that she will leave me; sorry being stereotyped.

    I explained her everything about to her on breakup day,… I explained her that I wanted to be with her forever, I wanted to live forever with you, but only thing it holds me is if if if… I feel scared.
    We were great together, never fought, we shared thoughts, we just love each other.

    It was my first love and to her as well.

    She asked for the time, after 4 days, she said – it is too late, she has no feeling now… I was left lonely, and want to kill myself that why did I loved this woman that I knew that western people don’t take relationship too hard… well it was just me…

    It has been 4 months, I’ve done everything to show her that I am still waiting for her…

    I sent her hand made flower with herbal fragrance…
    I sent her home made food that she used to enjoyed
    I sent her flowers
    I sent her some items that she has requested me from my home town – India
    I sent her my mom’s hand made cap that she had requested before breakup; I did not expect that breakup will happened.

    I’m trying to ensure that even after 4 months I am still waiting for her..
    I’ve even made one painting of her face, and putting in frame for her for the x-mas gift.

    I am very emotional human being but at the same time I felt insecure, I confess, as it was my first love, I did not knew what to do either before breakup, and after breakup.

    But she showed no emotions whatsoever, and I saw her with her new boyfriend this weekend.

    I am trying everything to forget her but it is helping me very slowly. I am doing everything to be the best person as she complained that your behavior was bit unacceptable; I promised that I am sorry I did not have any girlfriend in my life and I feel ashemed that I hurt you with no intention; if I did have made you felt this way, give me a honest time and I will correct. She said you don’t need to wait for me…

    I felt heart broken again.

    I could not be a friend, as my emotion brings heart beats to 100+…

    I am sorry Everything for the big post but honestly I will never love any girl as for them it is so easy to leave and go away without solving problem; thank you to media for showing that divorce , breakup is the part of meal these days. But honestly the modern society has no respect to their relationships like our parents used to have

    TRUE LOVES ARE MADE
    NOT FOUND

    Hence, if problem arises, we have to sit and fix; not run away.

    I hate to fall in love with this girl; if I would not have done that I would have been in a good condition…

    Love with no commitment is the crime
    Love with commitment works all the time.

    I am in Sydney, if that matters to be known.

    Now my question for anyone would be:

    Should I wait for her ?
    Should I show her that I am her true love that I can do anything for her?
    Ami I wasting time by boosting her ego that she will feel that I am here forever?
    She fall in love with new guy within a month, so should I assume that it may breakup again… as many of you’ve said that quick relation, after breakup does not work….

    I am sending one sms everyday, and I receive no reply but it does not bother me much as my love is unconditional; like one has said you love like a god; even if someone don’t believe in you , I will love you.

    I also mentioned to her that – Nat, I understand it is my confusion that has bring some bitterness in this relationship, please come back… as it will increase the strength and we know what we need it.
    She is young too and I understand that she may not like to see good part of it…

    I never abused her except that

    - I talked louder a bit some time and I said sorry to her .. and explained that I love you that is why sometime I feel angry with you – which is NORMAL with any human being to be angry.

    I’ve even sent her some of the books that I’ve read through to be a gentleman and explained that I’ve put 3 months of study to change myself. But no luck , no response :(

    During breakup day, I’ve even showed my commitment be with her forever , to even marry me

    I’ve tried my best to be gentle with my words… please excuse me for any bad tune.

  • Lou

    Thank you for this, I know there are many comments saying thank you but I can see
    that people completely empathise with this situation. I have gotten out of an
    emotional and physical abusive relationship with my ex for the passed two years
    - our age and geographical differences haven’t helped. I’m 21, and he’s 26 and
    we’re an hour drive away from each other but I was living at home when we first
    got together. 

    I moved to University last year as I wanted a new start but for him to be there
    with me in spirit; we initially broke up a couple of months before I left
    because he was contacting people behind my back and generally being a sleaze. I
    was always there to pull him out of the mud, and it was never reciprocated. He
    would get jealous over my male friends (I have a lot of male friends, and I
    always have).
     
    To cut a long story short, we split up (again!) and we moved on to other
    relationships. I was in my last relationship for roughly four months, and
    actually really missed him. My morale on the subject has always been, “If it
    needs a second chance then it wasn’t worth it in the first place”, but this guy
    was different. I had a connection with him that I’ve never experienced before.
    He had the same sentiments also. So, we gave it another shot, and to my dismay,
    he was still with his ‘new’ girlfriend whilst he was ‘seeing’ me. I only found
    this out during the time I broke up with him—I’ve never felt so cheap and
    betrayed in my life*.

    We gave it another shot (*prior to me knowing that) and things were great again. I
    felt loved, felt happy and just generally felt overwhelmed in a good sense.
    Then the paranoia crept back in (on his behalf) and he literally stressed if I
    didn’t text him back saying ‘Love you’, literally within the space of a couple
    of hours. He took this as me ignoring him, when in fact I was busy doing my
    work or I’d left my phone unattended! He constantly needed reassurance, and I
    felt like I was delivering this, but I’m not the type of girlfriend who
    constantly needs to be talking to their other half. He was sending 40 texts a
    day at least and that is no exaggeration. My Uni work is so demanding and
    sometimes I just want to put my phone and Facebook or whatever to the side and
    just relax. But I never could when we didn’t see each other. He works shifts so
    this made it difficult to see him too, and I admit I should have made more
    effort with him when he came and visited because he just used to come round to
    my student house and we’d just chill and have a smoke together and play games.
    Arguments would escalate and prove explosive because I always wanted just even
    15 minutes to collect myself to talk about it rationally but he’d barricade me
    because I just wanted some space to cool off. This led to fighting and we had
    some very brutal fights which I am disgusted with myself for, and for him. He’s
    a 14 stone cage fighter and I’m a 7 stone small girl, it really wasn’t pretty.

    Anyway…He has a lot of past with his ex, who completely did him over and fell pregnant
    with his child whilst also walking out on him. I don’t think he’s ever gotten
    passed this. He is very insecure and paranoid and it has made him act this way
    too; he made me cry almost every other day because he said he never felt good
    enough for me, but I had lots of Uni work to do – yet he saw this as me not
    treating him like a priority. I’m not completely innocent in all of this, and I
    should have not shouted back, but I was hurt and retaliating was the only
    option as being the most understanding towards him didn’t work. He left me over
    180 calls in one night because I didn’t answer to him because I just couldn’t
    be bothered to argue. He left me a text today also (I have his comic and a few
    other things) and said he wants them back and also mentioned he regrets ever
    loving me and I was the biggest mistake he’s ever made.

    This has broken my heart so much after all of the support I gave him. He had
    hardly any friends because of his past and no one that close for him to talk
    to. I have taken so much on the chin for him and all he can do is call me immature
    because of all of this. I feel like the bad person (I’m a natural worrier, it
    must be said but I really don’t vocalise this because I just like to get on
    with it as much as I can) and he has said some really nasty, hurtful things to
    me. I could have thrown him away the first time he cheated, but then it was the
    second time, and then a third after I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He
    begged and pleaded, left me loads of missed calls and voicemails crying into
    the phone and it broke my heart. He told me he had no one and that I was his
    world so being the sensitive idiot that I am, I tried to support him but being
    firm that my decision was made. He made me delete several friends off my phone
    and Facebook because he didn’t like them talking to me, and there was several
    girls who HE was texting in that sort of way so I requested the same. He did,
    because it was only fair on me and the first thing he did after I told him it
    was through (because he left me a voicemail calling me a c*nt and saying that I
    didn’t change because I’d not replied to his text for 3 hours) and I just gave
    up. I said I couldn’t do it anymore and that I had to walk away this time; the
    first thing he did was add and speak to a girl who tried to twist her way in.
    She’s one of those notorious girls with no class, easy access sort of chick. So
    I said whoa, hold on a sec, you want hope of us getting back together but
    you’re quick to jump on that? The answer I got back was: well you don’t want
    me. At that moment I realised he was probably the most shallow person I’ve ever
    gotten involved with. He’s made me feel cheap and stripped my confidence away.
    I’m on the path to try and get my confidence back because I will get it back
    but I have to do this on my own. I tried being sound with him and told him I
    wish him all the best and that I hope he finds someone because that’s just the
    person I am. An idiot. I’ve insulted him, don’t get me wrong. I’ve called him
    spineless and that’s just added insult to injury. I just wish I wasn’t such an
    idiot and that I walked away the first time. I’ve shared a lot of good times
    with him because at points we were very easy going and just enjoyed each other’s
    company; but things turned sour very quickly. I know for a fact I made the
    right choice but I feel extremely lonely. I have to walk this path on my own
    though, because it’ll only make me a stronger person. I literally NEED a break
    and with time it’ll only make me stronger. A good cry has helped me of course,
    and there are certain songs that really cut deep but hey; I’ll be OK soon.

    It has been an absolute pleasure to read this because it’s made me realise that this
    isn’t the end. And after being told (even today) that I’m the most pathetic
    person he’s ever met and I’m going to end up a very lonely old woman – that he’s
    wrong. I have a lot of potential, and he saw this confident young woman and saw
    it as an opportunity to help him out. I would have., and did do everything I
    could for that guy but in the end he was far too selfish to realise. His words
    have hurt me to no end, but if I can deal with this, then I can deal with
    anything. If anything, he’s made me realise that I can cope with the worst of
    the worst. So, thanks dude. You didn’t break me this time.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Amit,

    I can tell you are in a lot of pain right now, and my heart goes out to you! Reading what you wrote, I get the feeling your ex girlfriend has moved on, and that waiting will only cause you additional pain. Especially if she is seeing someone else, there really is nothing you can do at this point except begin to accept that you are no longer in the same relationship the two of you had before. I know it won’t be easy because you still feel so strongly for her. But it will get easier with time if you start letting go. My advice is to take it one day at a time–start by not contacting her and clearing your space of things that remind you of her. Disconnecting in this way will make it much easier to accept and move on.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Amit Malhotra

    Today, again I saw her but today it was different. I could bring the happiness in me… I’ve started loving myself and let it go; I could not say Hi to her and I felt it would not be good enough for her to express in front of her new bf so I’d left it as is.

    my heart bits were not increasing but as I’ve said I loved her , no matter if she loves or not… as I remember what bible has said too… so I survived well.

    I smsed her “Good to see you again today, You look awesome, Hi btw,” – no reply as expected.

    I dont know but I am unable to let it go easily… then why we call “True love” if the person leaves in between… I just  don’t undrestand the funda.

    I think it is more to do with changing/ boredom rather living forever that will never happen in this life… one can get bore for sure with the one.

    Thank you Lori, I’m in pain every moment still… I cannot sleep in night and I am feeling too lonely without her as well… she is gone but I remember every moment of our life together… I wish we were not living @ same location… things would have been better.

    I’ve decided to send her one flower every week within envelope… but definitely I don’t miss her but I still love her.

    True loves are made.

    Am I mad, Lori?

  • Drummond Emma

    Wow,thank you i really think this is going to help me move on ! Its been 9months now that its over and i keep looking back like what if and keep hoping he might come back .. So i will try these tricks ,i think they will finally provide me the closure i need, Just reading them has made me better already . Thank you !!

  • Anonymous

    Hi Lori,
     
    Here’s my situation. About 5 months ago, I started dating this girl who I met through my best friend. Things moved VERY fast and within weeks, she had moved into my apartment. We fell deeply in love with each other. Her priority was me and mine was her. She always talked about wanting to get married and when I was going to propose to her. At first, I would cringe everytime she mentioned that but eventually, her confidence in me gave me confidence in us and our future. We even ended up getting a dog together which she loves to death. We were perfect up till a few weeks ago when we started fighting. I ended up breaking up with her in the heat of the moment because of frustration and anger. She has since moved back to her parents house and I still live at the apartment. I’ve expressed to her how I was sorry and that I wanted to get back together and work on our problems but she said its too little too late. I am finding it hard to accept that someone can go from being so deeply in love with me to completely giving up on the relationship after a few rocky weeks. She even said at one point, “it’s going to take a whole lot more than a few weeks of fighting to make me want to break up with you.” Also, after the break up. She kept calling and texting me. Sending me pictures of what she was eating and of her spontaneous trip to NYC, etc… like nothing ever happened. I even helped her neatly pack up her things from the apartment and move to her parents house after which we cuddled in bed. So maybe I’m reading into it too much but I thought we were going to get back together right? I mean I love this girl! and I’m sure she still has some feelings for me. Through the course of the next week I gathered all her little things she left behind neatly packed them in a bag for her and called her to come over and talk. Basically I let her know that I felt like we deserved another chance. However, to her it was too late. So I asked her why she kept texting me and her answer was that I’m a good guy and that she wants to keep me in her life as friends. Is this girl a robot that can just shut down the past 5 months of intimacy and deep feelings to just treat me like a friend so soon after breaking up? I mean just being in her presence I had to fight the urge to want to hold her hand, and hug her, and love her and here she is just fine and dandy around me acting like nothing happened.. to be my friend?! #^@*%#@$%!!! wooosah….So Lori, oh dear Lori. please help me. I have already told her that maintaining contact was proving to be very hard on me since I tend to read in between the lines. I soon however, regret telling her that because I felt like if we maintained contact I could somehow get her back. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and she ended up texting me this. “Hey I know we aren’t suppose to communicate but I just want to wish you a “friendly” Happy Thanksgiving.” Ohhh how that “friendly” part pisses me off! I text her back “Hey, I feel pretty embarrassed and foolish about how I handled the break up. Thank you for being the mature one. Tell the family I said hello and Happy Thanksgiving.” Then we proceeded to text each other pictures of our day, the dog, and her family. Long story short, I know I need to let her go but a part of me still holds on to hope that we will one day get back together. I know that is not good nor can I move on if I don’t let go. But communicating with her is giving me that hope and discommunicating with her makes me seem emotionally immature and incapable of moving on nor do I want her to know that she can get to me like that. Could she really be a robot? i wonder… Help Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I don’t think you’re mad. I think you’re just not ready to let go. Sometimes it takes time to accept when something is over. You’ll get there!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi LIFEYC,

    I know what you’re going through–you know what would be good for you (to disconnect), but it contradicts with what you want (to be with her again). It seems like she’s not able to get over the fact that you broke up with, and I can understand that. She may fear that if you get back together, you could do that again. After all, you did it once.

    That being said, you’re only human, you made a mistake, and you’ve tried to express your remorse–and she just isn’t receiving it. I can’t speak for her, but I’m sure she understands that if you still want to be with her, acting like friends will be painful for you. I’m not saying she would intend to hurt you–just that she isn’t necessarily considering your feelings, perhaps because she’s still angry.

    My advice to you is set a clear boundary: you can’t be friendly in this way while you still have such strong feelings. If she wants to be friends with you, she’s going to need to wait until you’re ready to view her without those romantic urges. 

    I know it may seem that you could get back together if you stay friends, but trust me, that is rarely how it works! More often, people get back together after time apart when they have space to think things through and realize how much they miss someone. 

    That’s not to say this will happen–but if you two are to ever have a second chance, it’s more likely to happen if you set this boundary and start the process of letting her go. Then if you do get back together, you will be starting completely anew, not carrying a lot of baggage, which could include hurt and resentment from this just-friends period.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Anonymous

    Wow thank you for replying! I really never thought of it in this perspective. The whole time I’m thinking she’s has no feelings at all, not that she was angry at me for breaking up. So what you’re saying is that she might be doing this in to spite me? I am such a guy, I read in between all the lines yet I can’t seem to get her message. I have started to let her go and I realize that if the love we shared is worth it, that one day she will come back to me. I just can’t wait around for her anymore.

  • Anonymous

    Oh and I must add, what youre doing here on this blog is a blessing. Thank you for reaching out to those in misery. Angel in disguise you are!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m not saying she’s definitely angry with you or trying to spite you–I can’t speak for her! But if it seems like she has no feelings, it’s a good chance that she’s just stuffing them down. This could be her way of protecting herself and feeling in control, since you’re the one who wants to get back together. It’s great you’ve decided not to wait around. No matter how you look at it, moving on is the best move!

  • Kemp_marlene

    I have the same situation my ex keeps coming back to tempt me. It seems to be a game for him. He actually gets off on knowing that he can keep me hooked.How sad of a person is that??

  • Judy Voyzey

    so much so true… been single 4 years no intimacy no nothing to afraid and here i am acually in a healthy relationship but i am about to ruin it with my insecurities and my fears and dont know where to turn since my past two relations had been so abusive……mentally and physically   I know I love the person I am with and I know he loves me just my negative thoughts keep getting in the way I feel I dont deserve this he is to good for me how to let go and so he and i can move forward

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Judy,

    I know exactly how you feel. Before meeting my current boyfriend, I sabotaged many relationships because of insecurities. Have you talked to your current boyfriend about what you’re going through internally? I’ve been honest with my boyfriend since day one, and now we’re two-and-a-half healthy years in. When you share your fears and (perhaps) irrational, negative thoughts, suddenly they have a lot less power. 

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Melanie

    Thank you for this post. The holidays make it harder to deal and let go.  Asking “why” isn’t helping.

    I had given up on love.  I had been single for 7 years and had given up on romance all together.  Last year I sent an innocent email to a friend who was going through a divorce.  Not expecting anything out of it, then a month later we began dating and a month after that we moved in together.  I took a chance and trusted that the 20 years of friendship would make the relationship all that much better.  Silly girl!  2 months ago ~ he decided that he must live in the Virgin Islands, that he wasn’t happy here. We didn’t talk about it and it was over in a matter of an hour (packed and gone). 

    Thank you again for this post, most of these 10 items I’m good with, but it’s helpful to see them all together.  I understand there wasn’t anything I could have done and for the most part it is for the best. He wasn’t happy and there was nothing I could have done or should have done.  

    I just want my old life back … the one where I was find being alone and that romance wasn’t something god had in mind for me.  I had a good life and not feel so lost anymore.

  • amanda dona

    Its been 3 months since he broke up with me , we were together for 10 months. We are both in our late 20′s. After the breakup i saw him twice and we ended up in bed. He textes me every day n it makes it hard for me to move on. He doesn’t want to commit but wants me in his life. Last week I told him I need time apart. But he doesn’t understand that so every time he contacts me I stay cold and tell him Im busy. During our relationship it was him who was all over me , I had my friends and was staying independent I wanted to move things slow. Towards the end i gave in and gave him all my attention but then he started to say he needs to focus more on his job and that we dont really have time for each other. The person who loved me so much is now the cold sholder, Im so confused. I need help

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Amanda~ I really feel for you, as I know it’s not easy to move on, particularly when someone has sent you mixed messages like this! I think your instinct was spot on–that it would be smart to completely disconnect. It truly is the only way to move on. Once you’ve worked through your feelings, it will be a lot easier to be friends if that’s what you decide you want.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped Melanie. You mentioned that you’d given up on love before. I know it might seem strange to look at this in this way–but is it possible that this relationship was a good thing because it opened you up to the idea of love again? After all, you can only meet the right person if you are open to it. Maybe it’s a good thing you don’t have your old life back, because in your old life, you’d shut down to romance. In your new one, you know it’s possible. 

  • K.C.

    Hi.

    I found your article very helpful. It was exactly what I needed.

    Like you, I too have been in depression for 5 months now because my relationship with my girlfriend from college ended. We were together for 2 years. That might not seem like a very long time to some people here, but for me, it was a lifetime within itself.

    Over the last two years, I have changed completely as a person. In a very good way.
    I have become expressive of my feelings which I earlier couldn’t do. I have grown closer to my family and now they are my greatest strength. I guess they always were, I just never realized.

    I have realized my true potential and my true strengths and weaknesses. I have realized that I am capable of love. Feeling it, and giving it. :)

    There have been bad times as well. I haven’t been treated with as much respect I gave to her.
    She was a part of my family.. My mom loved her dearly.
    There would be times when she would come back from business trips and forget to bring me any souvenirs or gifts, but would never forget to bring her lots of things.

    I grew extremely close to her. She became my family. We were more than lovers, we were best friends. We spent most of our time with each other. To say that I have been there for her, through her ups and downs would be an understatement. I have been with her through set backs with her career. She is an actress. I have been with her in times of success. I have seen her through her personal demons. Bad relationships that don’t seem to leave. I have also been with her through arguably the most difficult thing she has faced. Her parents’ self destruction.

    I have literally gone over to her house at 4 AM, countless times, and picked her up out of her room when her father came back home drunk and shouted at her mother because of an extra-marital affair she had. I have taken her home countless number of times during such fights.

    I have taught her how to drive, as well as how to cook. Something for which her mother thanked me. I have made her get back with her friends after horrible fights and I have protected her from such fights and during such fights. Arguably, the biggest role I’ve played in. Her life, is when I helped here choose her college. She was in a state of absolute confusion and hysteria when she had to pick one of the two colleges of her choice. It doesn’t sound like much, but trust me, she absolutely loves what she is doing right now and does it with a huge amount of passion and devotion. It’s who she has always been and its who she was born to be. She wouldn’t have been the same had she chosen the other college and the other major she was being offered.

    With all that being said, what makes me come here, is how the relationship ended and the rush of emotions that I have experienced non stop for the last 5 months.

    I have been in clinical depression. I’ve been on strong doses of anti-depressants to help me fight suicidal thoughts.

    I have no reason to let go of my life and my family, but I cannot deny that I have tried to. I’ve hurt myself physically, I’ve cut myself, I’ve tried to overdose on sleeping pills and I’ve come spectacularly close, I mixed alcohol and painkillers, sleeping pills, anti depressants. You name it.

    My mother tried to talk to her about things, but she eventually gave my mother the boot too. My mother then tried to apologize to her, but she gave her a very cold shoulder and started ignoring her even when they would be face to face. All in all, the woman who started treating this girl like a part of her family, was very blatantly told to piss off.

    She was aware of my condition, but she didn’t contact me. She deleted my mother, my sisters and even me from her blackberry messenger and her facebook. A few months later, she became friends with the one person who never let her live in peace and never let her have a healthy relationship with anybody. This person was ‘the one guy that got away.’
    She loved him dearly and he very clearly used her for sex. He was older than here and he had a very disturbing control over her. Don’t get me wrong, he was nothing special, he was just the guy who she ‘gave herself to’ before anybody else (I don’t mean sex, I mean emotionally and spiritually). And he was the guy who left her when he left town and he found another girl (with whom he is still together till this day, 6 years after he dumped her.)

    Yet, this person controls her mind, 6 years later and several relationships later. She lost her virginity to me, and I always treated her like she was a party of my family. Everybody always thought we were engaged. Yet somewhere I was never what he was. I was never ‘the first’.
    I was also not the type of person she would normally fall in love with when she met me, but he was. He had a way with words and with expression, and he believed in the same things as she did, or at least he said he did. What I forgot to mention, is that he is knew she came from a broken family and he promised a young, emotionally tormented girl a lot of things including security. This was right before he left her and right before he realized he wasn’t going to get her in bed.

    I was the sports jock with a soft side. I was shy and I was in the limelight. I’ve always loved to read poetry and novels, but I couldn’t because I was busy on the field. I always wanted to do theatre, but I was embarrassed. This was right before I met her.
    2 years on, I still enjoy being out on the field and I enjoy doing serious theatre on the weekends. I’ve written more poems and stories than I have memory of. I’ve evolved and I’ve come into my own, or am in the process. :)

    Another thing I would like to briefly mention, is how she was tried to make me feel jealous and hit back at me for not always being there, by making me chase her as she allowed other people to court her. I won her back with absolute dignity and I am proud. However, now I realize it happened too many times to be healthy. Anything more than once is. She did it thrice.
    She broke up with me once before this too, and didn’t give me any reason. I cried in front of her, and she said it doesn’t make any difference to her if I stay or I go. By this time, we hadn’t had sex, but we were practically living with each other.

    I left the city I was living in, temporarily withdrawing myself from college, my friends and most importantly my family, and I went to work in another part of my country. I should mention I live in India. She met me several times before I left, and soon as I landed in my new city, she told me to never contact her. She said she would never forgive me or herself for being with me.
    What I did, I never got to know, I remember that time just a few days before she left me I had supported her through a terrible rejection by a big studio movie. I virtually went to her auditions for days, stayed outside the premises of the studio for hours , sweating in the May sun that tortures the city of New Delhi with temperatures soaring up to 45 degrees Celsius, without a single penny in my pocket and with absolutely no food or water to keep me going.

    Once I came back, she was back with me in bed in a matter of days. We never discussed what happened and where we were. We were just back together after a casual dinner.

    I realize now that this was my own fear, the fear of being alone, that made me ignore the reality of the situation. Had I been strong enough and had I been a more confident person, I would have not done so. I just didn’t want to be alone after so long. I just didn’t want to let go and move on. I took the abuse and I allowed it to happen again.

    About a month or so after I was back with her, one of her friends (a guy) started to emotionally manipulate her and started to blackmail her because he had issues with me. Have I mentioned he too is an ex boyfriend? Not the serious kinds, but still a possessive person. So she tells me, she will not reveal to him the status of our relationship because she was afraid he would bully her and demean her character.

    She told. I had the right to leave her and move on, and that it would be the right thing for me to do, but she herself would do nothing about the situation.
    Yet again, I took it, and I was quiet. I didn’t want to be away from her.

    A month later things got better, and she finally let here guilt get the better of her and she told her friend about us. As expected, he demeaned her and he stopped talking to her. Another’s month or so later, ‘the one that got away’ came back to our city after 6 years, and she shouted at me for not being loving enough to ask her how she felt, as he “was her best friend when it counted the most, and because he gave her the most pure love she has ever felt.”

    Anyway, we are broken up now, and I have been through a lot. I realize things are crystal clear and that the situation isn’t hard to understand. Moving on should be easy for me, right?

    What I haven’t been able to accept and move on from, is the fact that after so much we’ve been through, and after so much I’ve done, how could she ignore me when I was killing myself slowly? How could she treat my mother, a woman that treated her like her own daughter, with such disrespect?
    How do people go back and see themselves in the mirror after all of this?

    Now I realize these are not the questions I need to be asking. I need to be asking, how can I love myself more, how can I love my family more and how can I take the positives from this situation, build myself into a stronger person and give out just the same love energy to the world and hopefully someday, a special person.
    I thank you.

  • K.C.

    I just want to mention, that I truly loved her and wanted to do anything and everything for her. I just never realized that the love I felt for her transformed into a need. It transformed into fear. I became a sucker for abuse. I told her that she could do whatever she wanted and I wouldn’t leave her. Both out of love and out of fear.

  • K.C.

    Also excuse me for the typing errors. iPads aren’t for me. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi KC,

    As I was reading your post, I felt this sadness in my heart for you, wondering what I could write that could help ease the pain in your words. Then I got to the end where you wrote about the questions you need to be asking, and I was so glad you’ve formed that conclusion.

    There are very few things in life that are as difficult to overcome as depression. I have been there and I know. It’s even more challenging when you’re dealing with pain and regrets from a break up.

    But focusing on self-love and learning from every difficult situation is a huge step in the right direction. I know that when I am able to make those choices, I am far happier and more peaceful.

    Sending you lots of love,
    Lori

  • Béatrice Savoie

    thank you for this advice , i will try to let it go

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Rubenbeto

    Thanks for that I feel so lonely right now she broke my heart and I have kids and I feel that its not fair for them that all my love not there for them

  • Rubenbeto

    Thank u

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry Ruben. I know how hard it is. I’m glad this helped a little!

  • Rob

    Lori,

    This is the most well thought out and coherently written article that I have found relating to my current situation but I still struggle with how to really move on.

    I didn’t start dating until I was 19 years old due to shyness and very low self esteem. My first relationship was with a girl I knew for about a year beforehand and I somehow found the courage to make the first move toward something more than a friendship. A rocky road followed for the next year and a half. I’ve never felt so dependent on someone and as much as I should have let go sooner, it took her moving on to ultimately end our relationship. I was a changed man by the end of that though. I grew much more confident and had a much better understanding of what worked and what did not work for me. Unfortunately, I was also very hurt and had a hard time completely letting go of her.

    Not sure what to do next, a close friend helped me get back out there and I quickly drew interest from women. It was the first time in my life that I had the confidence to start being what I wanted and I enjoyed every second of it. Dating was easy for me at that time. After a few months I met a girl that I quickly realized was the first girl that I could really be myself with. She was 3 years younger than I, but she had a longer history of dating. It was pretty obvious that she was looking for something long term. I was not in that place but I really enjoyed my time with her. I do not recall once thinking about anything long term with her during our time together. I told her I loved her, because I did. She was cute, smart, creative, adventurous and best of all she really seemed to enjoy my company. My oldest, closest friends didn’t really care for her all that much but that never mattered. It was only about her and I.

    I was blossoming at the time, however. I had established multiple groups of friends and when I wasn’t spending time with her I was out socializing with them. In one of these groups, I started to get close with another girl and thought there was more potential there. I thought about long term with her and ended up kissing her one night after we watched a movie together. The next day, I broke up with the girl I was dating previously. I told her what happened and did not budge when she told me that we could move past it and that she wanted to continue what we had started. That moment, I had the opportunity to right my wrong, to avoid this regret. I could have learned and started the healing with her. Instead, I pushed her away. She cried and I didn’t feel much. I wanted, and expected, her to be okay with this. Up to that point, there was nothing negative that happened between us. My time with her was everything I wanted it to be. I still don’t understand why I did what I did and I can’t forgive myself.

    Just a few months later I found out that she had started dating another guy. I was already missing her but I thought I’d wait it out. I wouldn’t interfere and I had to respect her decision. That was 5 1/2 years ago and they are still together. My second chance never came. I am now almost 2 years into a relationship and my current girlfriend wants to be with me forever. I have told her about my difficulty in letting this other girl go and she has been very upset by it. I have talked to friends about this but I know nobody really understands how deep this goes. I’ve wanted to write my ex so many times. I’ve wanted to put the possibility out there that I am still interested. I am a big fan of letting relationships happen organically. If something is going well, you shouldn’t change it. That’s exactly what I did, however. I stopped something that there was no good reason to stop. I wish I had realized this then. I want to continue what I started so badly.

    I’ve been telling myself for so long that contacting her would be extremely selfish and wouldn’t provide the closure I think it would. I also have the belief that it’s very unlikely for her to reciprocate anything towards me, but I don’t know. That’s what I’m holding onto, the slight chance. It’s a security blanket. I know that no matter what goes wrong in my dating life, there is always the possibility for me to contact her. There is always the hope that I will find out that her and her boyfriend have broken up and I will get my second chance.

    You tips are great in theory but so very difficult for me to truly implement. I’m not sure I can do a single one of those right now and I fear the long process of even attempting. I fear letting her go because the feeling is so strong that it was my best opportunity for lasting fulfillment and happiness.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Rob,

    It’s always so much easier to neatly organize the wisest things to do than it is to actually do them. I know that from experience! I understand it may seem impossible to do these right now, especially if you believe that letting go is losing the chance for happiness and fulfillment.

    That belief will definitely keep you stuck–no one would want to give up their only chance to be happy. Perhaps it would help to focus on disputing that belief, one day at a time. You may not want to let it go just yet, because it’s hard to imagine that you could feel that way for someone else in the future. But there will come a day when you do–after you’ve opened yourself up to the idea that it is possible.

    I was single for close to a decade because my limiting beliefs kept me stuck. But eventually, I let go, and that’s when I found a happy relationship. You may need to take a great deal of time, like I did. Unfortunately, we can’t heal on anyone’s timeline but our own.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Naiomi

    Hi Lori,

    It’s been a year since me and my ex of three years broke up. It has been the worst experience of my life and although I’m in a committed relationship with a guy I truly care about, I’ve realized I’m still not really over anything. I’ve expressed this to the guy I’m seeing several times and he continues to tell me that “well get through it together” (this is a whole other problem within itself I know, I just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with it).

    I’m not sure if this is because I never truly got closure or just haven’t been able to accept the situation.

    Probably the latter.

    I also don’t believed it helped that after the break up he sent me several texts talking about how much he missed me, regretted we couldn’t be together and felt lost without it me, yet refused to speak to me on the phone or meet somewhere to discuss it.He was my first love and we’d come to a point in our relationship where we’d thought our lives would be spent together. I said a lot of horrible things to him out of hurt and confusion after that.

    I’ve ran into my ex twice since, once at a party and another time in Starbucks. Both times he booked it right out of there and acted like we’d never known each other. The experience at the party really hurt me because he literally had just arrived, been chatting with some friends, saw me and left. It was extremely obvious he left because I was there even though we were in a room of fifty people. I made no attempt to approach him out of respect.

     I know I was very horrible to him and he was very horrible to me while we together. We both did a lot of wrong and in retrospect I never owned up to my actions. This is something I have never told him and have always thought the opportunity to would just naturally arrive, and well, it hasn’t. 

    In fact, it seems like it never will as he has me blocked on Facebook and runs from me whenever he sees me. 

    I think the blocking on Facebook is ironically the most painful part. I don’t think I could ever retain a friendship with him, but I would like to think he doesn’t remember me as the horrible ex girlfriend that needs to be blocked on a social networking website.

    I wish there was some way to remedy this, as I have thought about him everyday since the break up, but I know the last thing in the world he wants is for me to contact him and I feel as though I am doing the right thing by restraining this urge even though it hurts more than anything else I’ve ever experienced.

    I feel pathetic that I’m wandering around on the internet trying to deal with my emotions while he’s out there loving life. Is there anymore I can do than just try to convince myself we never happened? Is a year too long to still be brooding over this? 

  • Naiomi

    whoops: believe it didn’t* help

  • logan

    im broken down into nothing left ur words were great made me have hope in myself. its hard though never imagine it to be this hard. anyways thanks for the words and for all the broken poeple i belive one day we all will be happy

  • logan

    lori ive been with this girl 6 years and know we have two kids we dont live with eachother no more but she still tryig to connect with me.but she only try to connect with me because she knows that i know wat she had done to me.She an acholic but a pretty and really nice person. i love the three of them with my heart im always thinking how can i ever live without them. sometimes i just want to cry the whole day uintil i cant cry no more. my pain is not stopping making me want to leave everything and just want to spread wings and fly across the sky. well she always cheating on me and im always letting it go but like tonight she gone again im still trying to call her but i feel that there is no use no more. lori i love woman all that we had she doesnt remember no more. she doesnt remmber that i was the one to take her tears away. and made it mine. By the way one time i wrote to her. “wats wrong cant figure out which man to give ur heart too my love” she text back i only want to give it to one person but id ont know if he the one. I said  give ur heart to a man that will cherish everypiece of it forever and on my love. and there i figured out an answering saying that im not the one she wants to be with. anyways i need some serious help if u can can u please help me lori???

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Logan,

    I’m so sorry to hear about all the pain you’re in right now. I know it must be even more difficult to deal with this heartache when there are children involved. How can I help?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • logan

    can u help if i should leave this women and start everything.or shhould i forgive her after thhe pain i felt yesterday  nite.She drops my kids off at her moms house and went out i sstayed all the way till 8 but se still turned off er ponneevevr sinve 12 am.shhe also as a house tto er self so belive tat se never made it bak to even sleep wit my kids wen all tey do is ask where is their dad i super sad i need u to ehelp me

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Logan,

    Unfortunately I don’t have that answer for you. No one can decide for you if you should stay or you should go. My question for you is this: what do your instincts tell you? If you sit in silence, take some deep breaths, and ask yourself, “What is right for me now?” what is the first thing you think?

    I know that sounds like an oversimplified process. You probably feel  conflicted and lost. And you may feel certain you know what you should do in one minute, to only then change your mind. When that happens, ask yourself, “Am I changing my mind because I genuinely don’t know what I want, or is it because I’m scared to do what I know I have to do?”

    I hope this helps.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Lexie

    There are many of us going through similar feelings as yours, looking for ways to let go, so don’t let that worry you… I am doing the same and reading everyone’s stories makes me realise that I’m not alone, we all go through hard times.
    Also try not to let your mind think that he’s out there “loving life” while you’re not. The chances are he’s much in the same boat. What you see isn’t necessarily true. If someone saw you, what would they think? Looks can be deceiving!

  • Jo

    Hi Lori,
    My boyfriend of almost 8 years broke up with me. He said he wasn’t sure of our future and that he started to have feelings for another girl. He said he fell out of love. This is the most painful experience of my life. It has been a week and I felt nothing but hurt, embarassment, regret and pain. Your article spoke to me, and I hope I can apply what you’ve written to what is going on in my life. I know the pain will go away, but right now, even the mere act of breathing is so, so hard. Please pray for me if you have the time…

    Jo

  • Sona_d43

    Hi,
    This is a really good post..Really insightful.My last gf was the one I love dearly..I met her during one of my business visits to hamburg and we just fell in love..But we lived in different countries..So it was tough that way..But we still continued to talk and I started working out a way to get to her.
    I was working at really good position in a really good firm..good money and good career progression.But just to get to her..I left everything..I resigned from job..I took up a university study in her country just to be with her..and this study could help in my career as well…so it was not a reckless decision but kinda long term decision..that could help us in our life..for 2 years things were nice…We had a good time and some bumpy times as all couples have…
    Then my studies got over and I had to return to my country.But i had to file for work visa to return to her coutnry..so i was working on that..only it needed sometime..
    in the meanwhile back home..I was applying over the net for jobs in her country..but as i was awaiting my visa..the companies were always replying in negative..this was always depressing..She knew this situation…
    At my home..the situation was no better.i had a some major family problems..and it was causing lots of stress to me…So I was jobless,stuck at home,getting suffocated ..It was a very hard time in life..the worst..She knew all about this…so in the 4 months i was away at home..she had some new guy colleagues at her place..So she starts telling how great they are and stuff.And I could see her getting infatuated with them..I tried to tell her what she is going through.But every day,her infatuation just kept on increasing..we started talking of them instead of us…she tells me wat they did and how they talk and stuff..I told her lets talk abt us or something else..but she gets angry..
    finally we carry on in this to new year…She starts falling for the new guys and finally sleeps with one of them..She still doesnt tell me..we break up a week later.. and then after week she tells me she slept with one of them..i was heartbroken when we broke up but i was torn apart when she slept wth one of them..I told her its ok..I forgive he and wish her a good life..I was deeply in love with her..i forgave her but i bottled up my feelings so I could live on…she sleeps with the other one too in couple of weeeks…
    Now both these guys just took advantage of her..and she being naive thought she could start a relationship with them..but they just used them..
    in the meanwhile i have got my visa and i m back in her country and working in a differetn city..living my life..sad and unhappy…
    she starts realising…she made a mistake..and starts missing me and thinking abt me.then we tlk one day..she starts saying that her life is empty without me and stuff…..me still loving her..i said..take sometime..clear your mind and if u still want we can meet..we meet a month later..and we had a good time…it seemed we were in love again..she left saying she loves me and tears in her eyes…this unbottled alll my feelings and i feel deep emotions for her again…
    we start talking daily and nicely..and then she goes for her annual school camp..and falls for anothr new colleague…and they are in a relationship now… 
    now my feelings are left unbotttled…and i m hopelessly lost..thinking how can somebody do this…i have nothing but nice to her…i know i had my problems..but i never was really bad to her…now she doesnt even want to talk to me…i m the least important guy for her..she doesnt even respond to my calls.she respnod to my mails weeks later…
    and I dont know wat to do..sometiems I think I am over her but sometimes,holidays..i feel so lonely….

    I know this a long rant..And I might be seen as a loser…but this is wat it is…..

  • Sona_d43

    Apologies for the Typo mistakes..i was lost in other thoughts when i typed..sorry

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jo,

    I’m so sorry to learn about your break up. I can imagine it was a massive shock, particularly after being together for so long. I’m glad this helped a little. You are in my thoughts!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Miss desperate

    its been two years since we parted, it wasnt a horrible break up we agreed but i believe that i caused it, he was perfect< there was perfect i almost as if i loved every inch of him, we still are friends and i cant shake the feelings its either ill get him back or will never b apart of his life again…ive tried numerous times to break off the friendship but he keeps begging for us to remain, where he used to care alot he does but not as he wud while i still do and im filled with evrything u mentioned i wud above….i hope these steps will help

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    You’re not seen as a loser at all. Break ups are rarely easy. It sounds like she’s trying to make a clean break, which I’m sure makes it even more painful. But I know from experience, this can actually help you move on. It’s much more difficult when there’s gray area, and you still talk, because it can make you hold out hope and instead of accepting and working through your feelings. I hope you have good friends supporting you as you go through this difficult time. It won’t always hurt this much! Time truly does heal all wounds.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Aikathypham

    love hurt so much…and i hate him to death…he broke up with me for no reason…i didn’t do anything wrong..we were having a good time then he just broke up with me just like that..how upset is that…it’s been 3 months and i still hold a grudge on him. i just can’t forgive him..my heart is huriting and i can’t get him out of my mind. i stalk him on facebook everyday…there is a voice telling me to check on him…sighs…i tried everything to forget him but at the end of the night..he haunt me.

  • Aikathypham

    i’m the opposite of you.

  • Sona_d43

    Hi Lori,
    Thanks for the reply..Its gonna be tough after having done so much for her!!but thats life…Everybody will hurt but you gotta find somebody who is worth taking the pain…..I do have amazing friends who have been there all along with me…Anyways I pray everybody’s pain gets relieved as we enter into a new year and everybody get new love!!:)!!
    Merry X’mas and Happy new Year!!!

  • Sona_d43

    Hi There…
    I know what you are going through.I suffered the same…Time will heal!!:)!!
    be strong and be happy!!

  • Opp0628

    Hello Lori, thanks for the article. This may be long.(I’m a 20 year old female and my ex-girlfriend is 17) We met in highschool 08-09 and became best friends. The spring/summer of my senior & her freshman year we started falling head over hills for each other. We became official that fall. Over the last two years she has broken up with me because she would say “i love you but i don’t think i’m in love with you” etc etc. My mom would always say not to get back with my ex because she was immature and my mom hate seeing me sad but i always got back with her because she was my first love, my bestfriend, and i felt like i couldnt find no one else to love me like she did(the first break up was unbearable).

    The third time we broke up which was last year in september, i think she started to feel some attraction for this boy, which i seen the signs and still till this day she denys them. She told me her favorite line and we broke up. I made a promise to myself that if she wanted me back, i wouldnt take her back. She told me she wanted to be friends but i couldnt deal with the fact that a month later they got together so i dropped all contacts with her. Our best friend told me she would cry because she missed me and that her & her boyfriend would argue alot. So a month after that they broke up.

    I finally contacted her which she was pissed because she was mad that i dropped contacts with her. (now it’s jan 2011) Eventually we gradually became closer and she would try so hard to get me back. I told her time after time that although i loved her that i rather be alone because i didn’t want her to break my heart again. I don’t know why but june came around and i said yes that i will be with her, so june we became official. We were great, had our ups and downs etc. July/august came around and she meets this guy, they become “best friends” i had weird feelings about them too. Like most of the time i was ok with who she hung out but him, no. She always talked about him, they were always texting each other, more than her & i and we text 24/7. She would tell me that all they text and talked about was me. September comes along and i move 45 mintues away to college(she graduated this year but she’s just working in our home town) She told me one day that he had feelings for her but since she was in a relationship he knew he couldnt have her(in diffferent words). Like always when i brought it up she would deny ever saying that or she would say he doesnt like her or he respects our relationship) I told her to tell him that i wanted to meet him and i told him personally and he said ok. But would always avoid me so i just dropped it. I told her i wasnt comfortable with them hanging out so she stopped for awhile. Then one day i was at work i asked what was she doing and she said at “his” house. I said why didn’t you let me know that you were going over there, and she said it was a last mintue thing. I told my cousin what she said when i got home from what and he said “Uhm, no she put on twitter the night before that she was excited for tomorrow because she was hanging out with her sister and her bestest best friend(which is him).

    In my communications class, our teacher talked about people being an “alternative” he used a guy and a girl as an example. They both dated in high school and loved each other, then they graduated, they moved away to diff colleges, they stayed together and the girl started to gain feelings for another guy at school, which was the alternative, but it wasnt as deep as her boyfriend, it was bascially like a physical attraction. Over time that got stronger and her boyfriend & hers got smaller. She could stay with her bf & be unhappy or stay & eveuntually accept it & be happy or leave and be happy with the alt or leave and become unhappy because she realized how much she loved her bf. it probably doesnt make sense but i thought thats how my ex and the guy was doing.

    She’s always been the type to tell me i couldnt hang out with certain friends, i couldnt go to clubs, i couldnt do this or that(which i was faithful 100% never cheated never messed around. she did accuse me of cheating before because my job had made me stay over a couple nights and i couldnt text her in time to let her know so she accused me and would trip and stuff like that and when i had to break it down what i was doing each second the time i was being accused she said oh well i wasnt accusing you i was just saying thats how it seemed).when i would ask why i couldnt hang with friends or go out, she would get mad and say “whatever, do what you want?” & because i would hate seeing her mad at me, i wouldnt do it.

    Eventually Her best friend(the guy) and twitter started to become the 1st things she would tell when she had a problem…then me, which hurt. Then me being 45 mintues away, i hate not being able to see her everyday & i hate seeing her cry when i would leave. I became uphappy so i told her i wanted a break because after awhile, i didn’t know where i wanted to be at anymore, we were arguing like crazy(she would never break up with me for the fact that she tried so hard to get me back) So she said she would do whatever to get me back because she loves me so much etc. etc.

    A friend of mine & i hung out a few nights after my ex & i broke up. I find my friend attractive, so it lead to stuff but nothing sexual. My ex asked if we kissed? i hate lying so i told her the truth & that was a yes. My ex texted me this long message about how she wanted me to delete her number never speak to her again and that i’m full of sh**. So i had no choice but to. I do feel bad for telling her that because i broke her heart…again.

    To wrap this story up, two weeks later i eventually texted her because i missed her(as only a friend) i told her that i missed her and she(you can tell she was mad but she said she wasnt) said i’m done with you, i’m over it, i’m over you etc etc. I said thats ok but like i told you before, i don’t want a relationship with you or anyone so it’s ok, i just want a friendship(& i meant it because i don’t do rebounds, i can’t be with someone with no true feelings). She kept saying even after that that she was over me and asked was i regretting breaking up with her. So i said “i don’t know, it’s only been two weeks i don’t know if i regret it yet.” then i said “if i still lived in the same city then we probably would be together” and she started going off again…”I don’t want you! i’m done, i have a great boyfriend now etc.”

    Ok…i don’t keep tabs but she makes stuff obvious, she always calls my cousin to talk about her life(which she use to never do since she had her best friend to talk to when her & i would have our ups & downs) also My cousin knows not to tell me nothing about her but they talk on the phone loud. (note, she’s always been the type to never take a break to find herself after breaking up with me, she always starts dating boys or talking to them, and she said one of the reasons she does that is because her father wasnt around when she was growing up so she needs that comfortable of a guy at times when she feels alone). She’s now dating her bestest best friend(remember they’ve only known each other for no more than 5 months), we’ve only been broken up for a month & now a week and a half after they started dating, she lost her virginity to him(because he’s a guy, i’m a girl so i guess our sex didn’t count).

    Thats my story. Sorry so long. I’ve never been the dumper so this is all new to me. I know i’m going to be ok, i’m staying single to find myself. She’s still on my mind at times which is normal. I don’t want to be with her but i some day would love a friendship with her. I’ve dropped contacts with her so she can focus on her new life, etc. I just feel bad that i never offically got to tell her “why” we broke up and since she’s so immature/has a lot of pride so show that shes’s really hurt, she doesnt/wont listen to me; so i think later on i might tell or…just wont, because she would still think i’m on “our” past when in reality i’ll probably have moved on by then.

    What i really want to know is just out of curiosity is why won’t she take a break to find herself? why is she rushing everything? Is he a rebound? I’m confused, after finding that stuff out, i’m not mad, sad or happy but i’m disappointed in her; but hey, i can’t do nothing about it. I have noticed that lately she has fallen into peer pressue, hanging with the wrong crowd, stealing, smoking pot(after she sworn up and down she has no desire to ever do that she said it to me & her father), & now having sex to someone i’m really sure she’s not “in love” with. So what’s going on? Please help, as a friend, i just don’t want to see her get hurt

    Thank You So Much For Taking Time Out To Answer This, I know it’s a lot but i really need the advice.

  • Vanja

    Dear Lori,
    this is the first time in two years I felt life is worth living.  Thanks to you and this wonderful site, I feel like I still have strength deep down my gut.  Although I’ve ended my relationship two years ago, and although this was a really bad relationship, full of aggression and demons, I’ve been stuck in this dark place where I couldn’t let go.. The only good thing about the two of us is our two years old son who now lives with me and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning.  Nevertheless, I’ve been selfish and depressed all this time and just couldn’t find a way to pull my self together and move on.  I’ve been obsessed with past, my ex and illusions of three of us living as a family.  As a happy family.  I couldn’t.. can’t accept that it is better we are not together than to fight in front of our child.  I’ve neglected everybody, especially myself.  I gained weigh, neglected my exams, family, friends…. All I could think of was him and how we are not together and where is he now…. It is pretty much the same situation even now as I write this.. But, I wanted to tell you, tomorrow it will be less difficult to wake up in the morning because of your good heart.  Thank you.
    -V

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Vanja,

    Thank you for taking the time to write. I can only imagine how difficult this has all been for you. Your determined spirit and positivity really inspire me. I’m so glad this site has been helpful to you in overcoming this difficult time.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Abhi

    thanks Lori!! i hope i would have read this at the time of my breakup…however it has bent just 2-3 months now and i am not totally over her..i will surely try applying these and hope things work out well for me…thanks for this article and really thanks for this wonderful site..!
    Also, hope that your present relationship gives you all the happiness possible!! 
    Thanks once again,

    Abhi

  • Abhi

    Ya jaycc!
    i have got the same feeling..you know to be the person she loves,to be her priority,as though she is some trophy..i think it just stems from being very possessive..hope you r coping up well!

  • Mamacoke

    http://ohcanuhduh.blogspot.com/

    Writing is cathartic.  At the very least–for me anyway, it serves as a way to distract the mind for awhile.  One letter didn’t cut it for me.  The pain, the grief is too overwhelming, and lasts too long to be done in one page.  So I started a blog, just to have a place to put everything.  These tips, and your article are fantastic, and I have bookmarked the page so that I may come back and re-read it–something I plan on doing everymorning, until this horrible period of time in my life has passed.  Thank you for writing it, and sharing your wisdom. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped! Writing is cathartic for me too. It helps me work through feelings and them let them go, which is ultimately what makes way for peace.

  • Bryan

    Question, i put so much effort into a one year relationship and believed everything she told me, it seemed so perfect and within two weeks or so she dropped me like it was nothing.  I feel like she used me, i tried so hard and still out of all the great memories we had it makes me feel like i wasn’t good enough.  I know im a bad dweller.  Im trying my best but simply put when i drive by a good memory place that reminds me of her or a song that plays it makes my heart just drop to the ground.  I can have a good attitude half the day but it builds on me and ruins me by the end of the day.  What are some good ideas on what to do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Drummond!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Bryan,

    I understand the instinct to dwell. I’ve been there many times before! Sometimes we need to let go of the same things over and over again. I wrote another post a couple of years ago that might be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/

    This offers some concrete ideas to let go in action. I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Rikeemasahiko

    it reall helps me.. thanks :(

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Sorry for the slow response Abhi! I didn’t see this before. I know from my past relationships that it can sometimes take a while to fully move on. I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • http://twitter.com/kaushik_999 kaushik varma

    So beautifully explained Lori,i finally got what i was looking for.:),Well,its been two years since i broke up with my girlfriend and i felt so horrible for doing that and also the feeling that she’s with another guy kills me.Well,the guilt that i asked her out and promised her that i’d be with her always which i didnt makes me feel even worse.I behaved selfish,for i was depressed about an issue and wanted to be alone,and out of frustration i broke up.i knw it was immature of me for doing that and i was jus 19 then.later when i realised that what i had done was wrong,i was too late to ask for forgiveness nd get her back,for she was already wd someone.she found another guy in jus 5months and i was shocked.from then on,i jus cant imagine her with someone.But after reading your article,i feel its high time i move on.Thank you very much.:) 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Kaushik! I’m glad this helped! I think we all make relationship “mistakes” when we’re young. You’re way ahead of the game for realizing how you stumbled, which will definitely help you with future relationships.

  • Tinacabantog

    hi Lori!

    It was really relaxing reading this.thank you so much! I just wanted to share and ask some advice from you. It’s been more than 2 years since I broke up with my ex. I really do loved him. a lot. and its very depressing watching him with someone else. I really want to let him go but having a daughter with him is what keeps me looking back. Every time I looked at her she always reminds me of my ex. It was hard for me to handle this. I tried to remove our contacts but it didn’t work because I can’t control myself. I always have the feeling that he’s still not over me and pictured myself with him and our daughter together. And then I always ask him about him and his new partner and that is what making me insane!! And then I would compare myself to his new girlfriend. I feel like an idiot. I can’t stop it! Im so afraid of losing him. But I wanted him to be happy! I really don’t know how to deal with this.

  • Dion D1985

    What a wonderful article. So comforting to read. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us and hope life is treating you well these days :-) D

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. Thank you for the note! =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Tina,

    I know it must be difficult to fully let go when you’ve had a daughter together. You mentioned that he’s seeing someone else, but also that you’re afraid of losing him. From an outside perspective, it seems like he’s already gone. I don’t mean to be harsh–I just noticed that contradiction in what you wrote.

    These are the questions I have for you (to answer for yourself; you don’t need to answer them for me):

    -If he’s seeing other people, what gives you the impression he’s not over you?

    -You mentioned that asking him about his new partner makes you insane. Why do you think you keep doing this knowing how it will make you feel? What is the payoff?

    -You mentioned you tried to remove your contacts (mutual acquaintances?) but you can’t control yourself. What would it look like to control yourself, and what would the benefits be?

    -Do you believe you can be happy if you fully accept that this relationship is over?

    -What’s the best that could happen if you started the process of really letting go?

    -What would it look like, in daily actions, to let him go?

    Answering these questions for yourself may help you move on!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Niesha E

    Lori,

    I enjoyed reading what you had to say and it has helped me a bit with what i’m going through right now.

    I have been with my bf for only about 4mnths but it was enough to feel heartbroken because we been through a lot during that short period. He was never never attentive to me and i looked past all his flaws cuz i was so into him. Besides that he was making an effort but it still wasnt enough. I finally decided to break it off last week but its been eating me up ever since. I tried going back to him but he says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me anymore or start over. He’s totally unsure of what he wants to do.

    It hurts to hear him say that and i cant help but feel guilty. This is the worst holiday season ever. Its so hard because i feel like its all my fault and if i hadn’t broken it off everything would have been okay.

    I know things get better with time and but for now it hurts so bad, im just lost. I dont know where to go from here just trying to occupy my time so i wont have to think about it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Niesha,

    I think it takes a lot of courage to do what we know is right for us, and it sounds like you did that. You mentioned you broke things off because he wasn’t very attentive. So if you hadn’t broken things off, would they really be okay? It might hurt right now, but there will come a day when you are in a much happier, healthier relationship, and you’ll be so glad you found the courage to walk away from something that you knew wasn’t right.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Anonymous

    I have just had a bad break up with a girl that I knew for a few months as a good friend and we tried to date. We only dated for a short while before she told me she just didn’t have feelings for me and didn’t want to be  in a relationship. I think it hurt so much because she was my first love and in some way i didnt know how to be in a relationship (i was awkward but i really was trying). As of right now im am still very much in greeth and just getting over it. My attraction to her wants me to get her back but my love for her just wants her to be happy. 
    This was more of a back-story, Before meeting me she had just got out of a very bad breakup with someone she though she could be with forever and has become shelled up from everyone and is scarred to move on and confront it. I really just want to be happy and plan on trying whatever i can to help her get over it. Though I know she will probubly get better after years but i cant live with myself knowing that shes hurting so much. Do you think this is even a good idea for me to try and help her. I don’t want to hurt her more being the guy she just broke the heart of. How do i get her to open up more? She clearly still has feelings for her ex but know she cant be with him.

  • Lara

    Hi Lori, My husband told me just last week, when i had a spontanious abortion, that he does not know if he still loves me. He said he does not feel anything anymore. I was totaly schoked. We are or should I say were 3 years together. We did not have it easy, living with his parents, but i stayed there cause i loved him. 2 days after he said that he does not love anymore, he said to move out. I was so …..I got totaly drunk for the first time in my life and was screaming do not go, i love you. He holded me and than he let me go. The next day I moved out and am now staying with my dad.I am soo sad. Its holiday time and we are apart.Double trouble.I am trying to figure out what i am going to do, where i am going to live.I do not have much money and cannot afford a place to rent.I am totaly lost.I read your post and i will read again and again until i get it its over.His brother told me to wait and leave him 7 days alone for him to think, but giving him that just makes me think there is hope.When thinking what we went threw, we were struggling for a baby 3 years…..there were no signs something is worng, but he did not spoke much – that is true…I am totaly lost and confused and so sad.I totaly think i will never be loved agan and think i will never get married again or let anyone near my heart again, cause this is what happens. i was cheated twice in a long term relationship, with one i had a child but than decided to have abortion - i was still young. teenager.i do not think its worth loveing someone so much as i did.i am thinking of just not let love come my way ever again and just work and work so i will have more money and rent a nice home for myself and my dog.but just stay alone forever. i am wondering all the time should i delete his friendship on facebook or not.if i do now, i may loose my chance with him?its a stupid question is not it ? he went away from me, and i will loose him if i delete him from my life on facebook ? he does not want me anymore.but what if he does later on? am i a puppet and he is the king of the world ? i thought i found my love and we will stay forever, that is why i married him.i never ever thought this would happen to me. i thought he has someone als, but never thought he would stop loving me.how can you stop loving someone so fast ? last week we were having fun and the next week he does not love me anymore.he told me, he started feeling this way a month ago and than gradually week by week it became worse. what kind of man does not share what he feels ? we might have saved our marriage, but he left it to become a huge problem and now its over.everything we build its over.he has ruined it.there is no going back and reaparing. i have nothing now.i am totaly alone.all have families and are together on holidays and i am on this stupid computer, crying and writting about it. no one to hold me and kiss me and tell me he loves me.no one to tell me we will try for another IUI.no one to love me the way he did.all i have is my tears and this horrible feeling i do not know how to put away.all i think about i need alcohol.i am also wondering about my furniture in our appartment.he is useing it now.should i just go pick it up in a few days or should i wait a week to let him think about if he might still love me ? how horrible the last sentence sounds.i have no space to put my furniture and all my stuff. there is so many of that. i still cant believe this is happening to me.i have no other reason to explain that to myself, just that i do not deserve to be happy. i do not deserve to have a man to love and a family and nothing.i have to be alone and die alone.everything is lost. and i cant get it back.i cant fix it.its not in my power.that is so hard for me not to be able to save my marriage, the only thing i loved the most.the home i could come back to every day.the place where i am suppose to be safe.but noooo, not for me.not as a child, not as a teenagern, not as an adult.i thought at least now i will have the chance to make that special home i never had.but that home is clearly on the street.should i just go out on the street and just get down with the first guy i see ? will that make me feel better ?and than i think about what is the meaning of my suffering – i should just go and kill myself.it will never get better.everytzime i start hopeing and feel save, that is the time it all breaks down somehow.someone hates me to pieces up there.it does not matter what i do, he does not love me.nothing i do or not do, can change that fact. i have to admit to myself i lost this game.i wish i could fix it somehow.i wish i would have the power to bring back the time.cause i realy do not wish to move on.there is nothing out there for me.no hobby is gonna help me..maybe money could help me..at least to be safe at some appartment. I just cant breathe. its over.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    My question for you is: Do *you* think it’s a good idea to try to help her? How do you think you could help? And do you think your feelings for her might get in the way of that?

  • Lara

    Did you delete my post from yesterday?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lara,

    I didn’t delete your comment–it’s right below this one. I just didn’t have a chance to respond yet because I’ve been celebrating the holidays with my family.

    I am so sorry to learn about what you’ve been through. I know this must be a difficult time. Break-ups are never easy, but it’s especially tough when you’ve been through the trauma of losing a baby.

    Some of what you wrote in your comment made me worried for your safety. Have you talked to someone you know about these feelings you’re having? I know this is a tough time. You have every right to feel devastated and terrified–but I sincerely hope you don’t carry the weight of all this alone, especially if you’re feeling the urge to harm yourself!

    I would be more than happy to send you some phone numbers you could call to help you work through these urges. If you’re open to that, please email me at email(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com. I’m not qualified to offer you the help you need, but I will do everything in my power to connect you with someone who is!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Mike&Ike

    Hi Lori,

    Just reading this has already helped me, so thank you. My boyfriend of over 3 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. We were together for almost my entire high school career and he was my first love. We had plans to move in together this September as we attended post-secondary school; however, at the beginning of August he broke up with me and gave me very little closure. He said that my university program was going to be very demanding and he didn’t want us to be fighting all the time and resent eachother because I would be stressed; he wanted no restrictions and to be able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He gave me more excuses that really just made it worse and gave me more to dwell on. I miss him terribly and don’t understand why this happened. What made it worse was that he got a new girlfriend 2 months after we broke up (who he met the weekend before he broke up with me while drinking at a club) and he claims that she had nothing to do with our break up, rather it was a coincidence that they got together. This broke me down further as his main reason for breaking up with me was because he didn’t want a relationship or any restrictions. I have had no contact with him since October, but I just feel like i’m stuck and can’t move past this because I did not see it coming. This is ruining my university experience and I would like to start moving forward.

    Any suggestions??

    Thanks :)

  • AquaHysteria

    yea i think it is a good idea to help her. I don’t want her to be scarred and feel like she cant trust anybody. I want to do all I can. I’ll listen, be there for her if she needs anything and try and give advice if i can. I cant guarantee anything but im confident in my ability to not let my feelings for her get in the way. I want it to be about her not me.

  • Anonymous

    I have serious regret about a relationship I was in over 6 years ago that u single handedly sabotaged myself. He was absolutely perfect and I loved him family so much. I would do really stupid things like get drunk and call my ex boyfriend. Why? I have no clue. He chased me for about 7 months and I just wouldn’t give in and then I eventually did and developed such strong feelings for him I was so in love. We would get into fights about the things I did and go on a “break” and he would sleep with someone. Well one night I was do hurt and angry that I had a one night stand and it just so happened to be the night before his birthday. I knew it was wrong but I still did it. I left the guys apartment after having stopped what was happening and called him right away and told him what had happened. He was so hurt and said I can’t do this anymore. After that I would go to the places I knew he would be to try an win him back. It became clear that he was moving on and dating other people. I was so incredibly hurt and became obsessive about my feelings. About 3 months later I started dating someone though I was not over my relationship. The man I was dating is now my husband. My ex is married with 3 kids and it had been 6 years! Why can’t I let go?! I have dreams about him and then it’s like I’m back at square one with all the feelings and regret. Why did I sabatage my relationship? I can’t answe that I don’t know why I ruined it for myself and didn’t realize what I had lost until I didn’t have it anymore. I live my husband but it’s not the same love I felt for my ex. I can’t let go because I don’t know how and it’s not fair to my husband and daughter. I would never tell him this because it would cause in necessary hurt to him. I just want to be able to love my husband as deep as I did my ex and quit comparing them to each other and looking at my exes relationship and thinking that should be me with him I should be happy but I ruined it. I need closure and I need to move on from this once and for all. It’s been 6 years clearly he has moved on but I just don’t k ow how to put an end to this nightmare.

  • Anonymous

    I have serious regret about a relationship I was in over 6 years ago that u single handedly sabotaged myself. He was absolutely perfect and I loved him family so much. I would do really stupid things like get drunk and call my ex boyfriend. Why? I have no clue. He chased me for about 7 months and I just wouldn’t give in and then I eventually did and developed such strong feelings for him I was so in love. We would get into fights about the things I did and go on a “break” and he would sleep with someone. Well one night I was do hurt and angry that I had a one night stand and it just so happened to be the night before his birthday. I knew it was wrong but I still did it. I left the guys apartment after having stopped what was happening and called him right away and told him what had happened. He was so hurt and said I can’t do this anymore. After that I would go to the places I knew he would be to try an win him back. It became clear that he was moving on and dating other people. I was so incredibly hurt and became obsessive about my feelings. About 3 months later I started dating someone though I was not over my relationship. The man I was dating is now my husband. My ex is married with 3 kids and it had been 6 years! Why can’t I let go?! I have dreams about him and then it’s like I’m back at square one with all the feelings and regret. Why did I sabatage my relationship? I can’t answe that I don’t know why I ruined it for myself and didn’t realize what I had lost until I didn’t have it anymore. I live my husband but it’s not the same love I felt for my ex. I can’t let go because I don’t know how and it’s not fair to my husband and daughter. I would never tell him this because it would cause in necessary hurt to him. I just want to be able to love my husband as deep as I did my ex and quit comparing them to each other and looking at my exes relationship and thinking that should be me with him I should be happy but I ruined it. I need closure and I need to move on from this once and for all. It’s been 6 years clearly he has moved on but I just don’t k ow how to put an end to this nightmare.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Do you think it’s possible that you struggle to let go because of how
    obsessive you got? In know in the past, whenever I’ve obsessed over a
    man, it felt like I gave away my power to him–and that I couldn’t get it back until he gave it back. It was like I couldn’t get a
    sense of closure because I put myself out there and got rejected; and that
    made me feel unwanted. I don’t know if this is relevant to you, but I
    just thought I’d put that out there!

  • LG

    Everything that you wrote makes SO MUCH sense. In my head, I know it. I think I’ve known it for a while… a very long while. But my heart… my heart. That’s a completely different thing. I’ve been ‘stuck’ in a relationship for the past seven years. He is much older than me and I think this made our relationship that much more special, unique. He is the absolute love of my life. The problem is, he’s very loyal to his ex wife, with whom he still has a very strong friendship. She was there for him throughout the worst moments of his life, before we even met. All this time, I’ve been waiting for him to commit to ME. But recently, something broke inside of me and I realized that this is SO not good for me. This relationship is destroying me. We’re in the ‘process’ of breaking up (if breaking up can be a process?!); I know in my heart that I can’t accept this arrangement anymore and that it’s time for me to leave. But HOW to you not hold on to hope, for just a week longer, a month longer, one more year, etc.?? The hardest thing for me is that I have fought for this relationship so hard, my whole family has been against it (mainly because of the age difference) and what always kept me going was the firm belief that we were meant to be together, that in the end, our love and our passion would erase everything else. So now, this is turning out to be the biggest failure of my life. And I think that makes it harder to just give up and move on. How is it possible that for so many years I fought so hard for something so great, only to realize in the end that it will NOT happen?! I’m afraid that this man will stay in my hear forever and that this mess that I’m in right now will define me from now on…

  • jane

    Hi Lori,
    Thanks for your article! I dated someone only for 3 weeks after a couple of months after a long painful breakup. I was managing fine on my own and was on top of the world. Then I met someone and in 3 weeks they broke up with me out of the blue. Even though I tried to be friends and felt that we could since It was really only 3 weeks, they were not interested at all. They ignored me and treated me unnecessarily badly. 

    A question: What do you do when you need closure from the person who hurt you but the person you were with did not give you the space to express how you feel. They are not interested at all in hearing anything from you. I’ve tried writing an unsent letter but it hasn’t helped. 

    Thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful to you! I understand your fear that this man will stay in your heart forever. Sometimes it’s hard in the moment to believe that things will transform, but they do–they always do. I remember with my ex, I had a big epiphany the moment I truly believe there would come a day when I wouldn’t want to be with him. It suddenly made perfect sense that there would be a time when I would love another man, and that past relationship wouldn’t have power over me. It took time to get there, but I eventually did, and you will too!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jane,

    I know how hard it can be to let go when you don’t have a sense of closure. Do you meditate? I have found that yoga and meditation help quite a bit, because they create a sense of inner calm. Since he’s not willing to help you find closure, you essentially need to find a way to give it to yourself by accepting his choice not to speak with you. Yoga or meditation might help with that.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • BDB

    I posted my comment in the wrong place earlier. I am enjoying your articles and trying to find strength in them. My husband moved out over Christmas while my daughter and I were visiting family 4 states away. I’m trying to be strong and move out of this sick, gut wrenching, anxious feeling that is in my stomach and my brain! He says he wants to work this out living apart. That means he has already moved back to his independent, single life, but wants to get together when it works for him. I don’t know how to deal with this. Is that like having your cake and eating it too? He says we just couldn’t live together, but we can be together like this: apart, but in the same town. Help!! I have to break out of this sick feeling.

  • Nici

    Thank you for writing this. As I read your story I felt like I was reading my own. It was only 5 months ago that I finally let go of the past and for the first time I am looking forward to the unknown. I spent 14 years and my entire 20′s on a failed relationship and for 10 of them I was single. I closed myself off to recieving love because I thought I had nothing left to give. It was a hard lesson learned; to cut him out of my life in every way and truly let go. Your story is inspiring to me as you’re farther along in your journey for happiness. It is so true – when you hold on to the past and the sadness there is no room for Joy to come into your life. The most real love I’ve ever felt is the love I’m finally giving to myself!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to learn that your husband moved out. I can understand why you wouldn’t be comfortable with this arrangement–being married but living apart. I wouldn’t either! Have you considered asking him to attend marriage counseling? If he wants to stay married, it might help to speak with a professional to figure out why he  also wants to leave.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Nici. I’m so glad this helped! =)

  • Kirsty

    Hi Lori, Thanks so much for this post, it has already made me feel alot calmer. I broke up with my first love 6 years ago when I decided to go to University. Although I was the one who broke up with him I have felt a lot of regret over this decision for a long time, especially when I heard he had a new girlfriend and was living in a different country. For a while I felt all was lost and although this has eased I still haven’t been able to fully let go as I felt I was responsible for it ending. I ended it because I didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t realize how lucky I was and in some way I believed (foolishly) that we would get back together after a bit of a break. In my mind he is the perfect guy, although I know this is illogical. I have had other relationships since then but feel my thoughts of him have put a stress on some of them. Especially when he pops up in random places like on a remote mountain when I went on a ski trip or in a magazine that I happen to flick through. About a year after we broke up I was diagnosed with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (unrelated to our relationship, other events caused this before we went out) and although I can tell myself a relationship wasn’t right for me at this time because of my mental state (I’m much better now) I still blame myself and keep thinking about the past. I’m currently single now and am using this time to get to know myself better and to try to finally let go (hence me reading your post). Thank you for being so inspiring and giving so many people hope that they can find peace. I wish you all the best for the new year. :)

  • Robert Mansouri

    So I’m not one to openly voice my feelings but I’ve been in a lot of pain after going through a break up about 8 months earlier and frankly I feel this article makes some useful points.

    Back in late 2010, I had gotten out of a fling with this girl – caught her kissing another guy at a party. The whole situation had left me feeling depressed and cynical about the idea of getting into another relationship. It wasn’t until January of the next year when I met someone new. I fell in love with her immediately, I found her irresistibly charming. The only problem was she was in a relationship with someone else. She spoke of her boyfriend as if things were going bad and she would break up with him. Sure enough, that’s what happened and not too long after, we had entered our own relationship. Those 4 months together were perhaps the happiest I had ever been. She was the clown and I was the kid and I honestly never wanted it to end.

    Now let me just say, I personally do not believe in the notion of a soul mate. Sure, there are people out there that are perfect match’s for each other, but the notion that you are destined to meet this person is false. You can go through your whole life without meeting your significant other, but once you meet that person it is obvious. The kind of connection I’m talking about is symbiotic – she stubs her right toe and my left toe hurts – the sort of thing which is only experienced by a privileged few. I sincerely believed that that’s what I had with her, that she was the one. Perhaps the feeling was mutual at some point, I’ll never know for sure. You see, even though she had broken up with her boyfriend, she had not completely given him up. I found myself in a love triangle and kept reassuring myself that everything will be fine. She ultimately left me in order rekindle her relationship with her ex. I felt like the whole thing was my fault, that I didn’t truly express how I felt about her. Guilt started to set in after she accused me of manipulating her out of her previous relationship, I still don’t want to believe that she really meant that. I tried pleading with her for several months but to no avail, she was gone and I was left behind. All this happened at the same time I had graduated from college, making it difficult to face the road ahead.

    Honestly, I’d give anything to have her back. If not as a girlfriend, then at least as a companion. I enjoyed her company and the time we spent together. But at this point, she seems to want nothing to do with me.

    Your article has offered a framework for closure that couldn’t be fulfilled through alcohol, so I thank you for that.

  • Opp0628

    Thank you, I’m glad you replied to my post. Did you drop contact with that person? What did you do? What happened to your ex?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Kirsty. How wonderful that you’re using this time to get to know yourself better. I hope you’re 2012 is off to a wonderful start. =)

  • Tom

    Hi Lori, thanks for your post it makes a lot of sense although difficult to think in a positive light. My ex girlfriend broke up with me over 7 months ago and I am still finding it really difficult to cope. We were both in love with each other, but she had a problem with me going out (once a week) and how I acted around females. Nothing ever happened and I have never and will never cheat on anyone whilst in a relationship. I think my personality is naturally flirtatious (not overly) although certainly not intentional. All I can now think is that she was right to argue with me and I should not have argued back. I didn’t see what was happening to the relationship and I continually dug my heals in as I thought what we were arguing about was insignificant. I did not see the bigger picture or things from her point of view at the time. It hurts to think that I perhaps did not put her feelings first. We rarely had an argument over anything else. I am full of regret and I can not seem to move past this. We both wanted the same things, marriage, family etc. This is the first girl that I have ever wanted these things with – I’m 35 and have had serious relationships in the past, but this time has really rocked me down to my core.

    I’m not sure what I can do to move on from this regret and sadness that I have. I have read numerous books, sought out counselling but I still do not seem to be moving forward. 

  • Sunnnyb4

    You make everything sound so easy . . . it’s been two days that me and my boyfriend broke up, i was so happy and he kept saying he wasn’t happy with me.. i tried to make the relationship work for three months and finally gave up. But right now, im feeling so clingy and i don’t feel wanted. I KNOW i shouldn’t look for a rebound, but right now i feel like i need that love again. And it pisses me off, because im sitting here looking around the house and everything reminds me of a time we had together, but he has already moved on.. he’s been ready to move on for the past 3 months… so why am i not ready..?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Tom,
     
    My question for you is this: Have you forgiven yourself? If you’re convinced you did something wrong, and you’re beating yourself up over it, wishing you could go back and do things differently, it will be almost impossible to let go and move on. Forgiving yourself–and realizing you did not lose your chance at happiness–is an essential first step. Once you do that, you will be in a better place to accept what happened with this relationship and open up to new possibilities.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to learn about your break-up. I can understand why you wouldn’t feel ready to move on, considering that it’s only been two days. Getting over a relationship can be a lot like grieving a death, meaning you will likely go through different stages–first resisting it, later bargaining/hoping you can get the relationship back somehow, and eventually letting go.

    I know it sounds far easier said than done, but my best suggestion is to focus on taking care of yourself. You are going to feel some painful, conflicting emotions right now, and there’s really no way around that. So focus on taking care of yourself mentally and physically, and forgiving yourself if you struggle letting go completely. It may take a while–but it will happen more easily if you’re good to yourself.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • kmak

    Jane – I feel for you.  I was in this exact same position 25 years ago and still struggle with the lack of closure.  My suggestion would be to confront him NOW…otherwise you’ll still be wondering about it 25 years later.  Rejection is easier to handle than the pain and silence of wondering what could have been. 

  • Neige

    Hello Lori
    My husband just left me a week ago initially because of my inability to connect to his 2 kids.  He did admit to sleeping with a co-worker about 3 weeks ago.  2 days after he left me, he moved in with his 3 weeks old girl, she already met some of his family, and he this weekend was his weekend for the kids, and they are staying at her place…  I feel horrified because he left me, but destroyed because he cheated on me and because he put 3 years of our life behind in 3 weeks to move on with a new girl.  I am trying to let go, but everything I see reminds me of him and I am beat, can’t sleep, cry every 30 mins and am at my wit’s end.

    We work together, work is starting on Monday.  I don’t know how to face my life in our empty hose with our 2 dogs…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Neige,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. I can only imagine what you’re going through right now. Do you have friends and family who you can lean on? There are certain times in life when we need other people to help us be strong and get through. Is there anyone who can come and stay with you for a few nights and be an ear?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Tom

    Hi Lori,
    I certainly have not forgiven myself for being so short sighted and stubborn. We both really wanted the same things and it is such a shame this relationship ended. I do not think i was given a chance to show that I understood what she was upset about. Unfortunately my ex girl is very head strong also and if she believes that something has been done wrong by her then that is it. I miss her deeply.
    I guess these feelings are natural? but I have never felt this way about anyone.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    The feelings are definitely natural–but they’re not permanent. I felt much the same way after the break up of my first long-term relationship. It was hard to move on because I felt I didn’t so many things wrong–and that I deserved to be hurting because I made so many mistakes. In retrospect, it would have helped tremendously to be kind to myself, but I couldn’t because it took me years to forgive myself. I hope you’re able to do it a little sooner than I did!

  • Anonymous

    Hi Lori,
    Thank you for posting this article. I have to say, there seems to be a lack of good post-break-up articles out there, especially ones written from the perspective of the “saboteur”. As a googling, self-help junkie, most of what I have read out there has been geared towards consoling the “dumpee” and assuring them they “deserve better” and such, which only seems to add to my feelings of guilt/shame/regret/self-blame. It was refreshing to hear from someone who made mistakes in a relationship/ hurt someone, but came out of it wiser, stronger and able to maintain a healthy relationship with someone new (eventually).

    My break up happened one month ago and I can’t seem to let it go in my mind. While the break-up itself was mutual, I feel/know that I am the one who caused it. I had constant nagging doubts about the relationship/ my feelings while I was in it, which caused me to feel guilty and to eventually tell the person I was with my concerns. Knowing my indecisive and over-analytical nature, she tried to be understanding and we tried to move past it, though it hurt her a lot that I was thinking about these things, while she was not and was sure of her feelings for me. Eventually, I had started bringing up my doubts/worries more and more frequently and the situation reached a boiling point – she could not take any more and told me she deserves to be with someone who knows they want to be with her. I agreed, because obviously that is what she deserves – who wouldn’t want that. She decided we do no contact, since it would be too painful for her to try to remain friends with me, but said she hopes that someday we could potentially be friends (we were in and out of each others lives as good long distance friends prior to our relationship, which was also long distance- and potentially a source of at least some of my doubts, as I was planning on relocating to her area of the country, a place in which I know no one but her).

    Even though I saw it coming/caused it and despite all my doubts and fears, I can’t seem to let her go. I feel that during the relationship, I was hesitant to even call her my girlfriend and didn’t want to put a label on things and now that it is over, I am having major difficulties letting her go 100%. It seems that no matter what side I’m on, I always have one foot out the door. When I was in it, I wasn’t really in it/wasn’t in the moment/didn’t make the most of it and now that it is over, I keep thinking about and realizing what I had and just how good she was to me. She was my best friend and we connected on many levels and really “got” each other.  In many ways, it was what I had always been looking for/dreaming of, but for some reason it didn’t seem like “enough”. I kept questioning whether I felt “in love” or not. I drove myself crazy trying to figure it all out.

    Now, I worry I drove someone really great away with my worrying/over analyzing. I keep realizing that no one is perfect and I may never find someone “better”. I worry about wanting to come back and it being too late. There are times I feel like calling her, or even flying over to go see her in person, but something always stops me – I just think about how selfish it would be to call or go see her when I’m still confused. I feel I don’t trust myself, as my feelings seem to change moment to moment. As much as I feel like getting her back sometimes, the thought of hurting her again terrifies me and that is probably what stops me – I can barely live with myself with the current situation. 

    Also worth mentioning is that I wasn’t happy before our relationship. I was quite depressed/anxious/lost in life and she helped me feel understood and not alone. I realize that perhaps I was not/am not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship, but that seems to add to my worries (“what if she is right for me and I could be happy with her but I’m just not ready for a relationship as I’m not happy with myself?”). I seem to not even like myself.

    What I fear most, though, is repeating this pattern with anyone else I meet – not that I can even imagine that right now. I just can’t picture myself happy with anyone, anywhere. I just feel like I’m trudging through life, chest-deep in mud and when I look down I can’t even see myself behind all the mud. I don’t know who I am, what I want. I’m terrified of being alone, yet I’m seemingly unable to be with anyone. I take those closest to me for granted and don’t appreciate them until they are gone.

    I feel I could keep writing and writing about this but I will end it here, as I’m even annoying myself. So, I guess my questions are: What do you do when you don’t know who you are without a relationship – when you didn’t even know who you were before the relationship? Many people talk about remembering who you were before the break up, but what if you didn’t even seem to know/like that person? How can you begin to know/ like yourself and not rely on external sources to keep you ok/happy?

    I’m sorry this post ended up this long, but thank you for reading if you have made it this far

     

     

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    Those are certainly some big questions there, and I’m not sure that I have concrete answers, but I will share a little of what helped me.

    First, I wanted to note something that jumped out in your comment: You mentioned that you worry that you drove someone away with your chronic worrying, which is somewhat ironic. If one of the lessons you can take from this relationship is that chronic worrying can be detrimental, perhaps one of the best ways to utilize that lesson is to work on letting go of the instinct to worry about what you may have done wrong.

    I have a tendency to over-analyze as well, and I’ve been indecisive in past relationships, too. I think it’s common when you weren’t happy outside a relationship to feel discontent/uncertainty within a relationship, because you’re essentially looking for another person to “fix” everything–which is a recipe for disappointment. No one person can be completely responsible for someone else’s happiness.

    Perhaps it would help to focus on two things: forgiving yourself for your part in this break-up; and identifying what makes you feel happy with yourself, who you’re being on a day-to-basis, and what you’re doing in the world. These are both big issues, and neither will likely happen easily or overnight.

    I would recommend reading from the happiness category of the blog and identifying a few tiny things you can do every day to create happiness that doesn’t depend on another person. If you find yourself worrying or regretting, replace your thoughts with accepting/loving/forgiving thoughts. When you are able to accept that you did your best, and then forgive yourself, it will be easier to make positive change going forward.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Anonymous

    Hi Lori,

    Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your advice and will be re-reading it many times! You’re right about my worrying and how, if anything, it should be a lesson for me going forward that worrying = nothing good for my relationships/life. It’s been a challenge for me since childhood.

    Self-forgiveness has also been one of my challenges throughout my life, but it is something I really want/need to work on.

    I have read many articles on this blog since I subscribed to it a few weeks ago, but I will read more in the happiness category and actually try to implement some of the advice — it’s seems much easier to just read advice and feel momentarily inspired than to put in daily effort to keep doing it and reap its benefits. Perhaps I can print some of it off and put it somewhere as a reminder.

    I think the more I realize that no one will be able to “fix” or complete me, the more I panic about having lost someone incredible because I think if I’m unhappy with or without her, I might as well be with her. I think about calling her and trying to work something out, explaining that it is my unhappiness that is the real issue and if she is willing to be patient with me, I would try to work on myself with her. Have I completely lost it for thinking this way? If I perhaps shouldn’t go down that road, then how do I accept having unnecessarily lost someone because of my unrealistic expectations/flawed thinking? Also, do you think writing her a letter explaining this would be helpful or unnecessary/inappropriate/something else I’ll regret?

    I struggle with thinking that I’ll work on myself and eventually be good for her and we’ll end up together again when, realistically, that may not happen — she may move on and I’ll have missed my second chance with her. I think that one of my biggest challenges right now is this stuck/paralyzed feeling I have — I still haven’t decided whether I should try to get her back or let her go. Time passes but this stuck feeling lingers and, believe me, it is maddening!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but it would likely be best to work on letting go of this relationship instead of trying to get her back. If you focus on getting her to be patient with you while you learn to be happy with yourself, you’ll be doing it in part for the relationship–not for yourself. The relationship could very well be a distraction from addressing the underlying issues.

    If you focus on working on those issues, and then allow yourself to let go of this relationship, little by little, day by day, you will be in a better place to be part of a healthy relationship later–whether it’s with her because it’s better timing, or someone else.

    I know this isn’t easy–and it’s far simpler to read about it and talk about it than it is to do something with this information. But it does get easier day by day, I promise!

  • Fruity

    Thanks Lori,

    I came out of a long term relationship 2 years ago. It broke my heart into a million pieces as I thought that he was the one that I was going to grow old with.
    We talked about having a family, but it never happened.
    I’m now in a new relationship, been with my fella for 6 months, but I’m scared as we have talked about loads of things that we want in our life. Ie marriage and to start a family in the next year.
    I’m scared that he is just saying all these things to me to keep me, I’m not getting younger and I would like to start trying for a baby as when I was with my ex it never happened.
    I was given the drug clomid to take and still no joy.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Fruity,

    I can understand that fear, since you’ve been hurt before. My question for you (which you don’t need to answer for me) is: Has your current boyfriend given you any reason to suspect he would lie to you? Or are are you basing your fears off your former relationship, and in doing so, causing yourself stress?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for your honesty. In a way it is what I want to hear, if it’s what I need to hear. 

    You’ve pointed out many things that resonate with me and so I think they may be true.   

    I get very discouraged often, but I’m thankful for even those brief moments of hope. I shall continue on my non-linear, up and down life path and try to keep on keepin’ on….

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m happy to help!

  • http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/ May6

    Hi Lori
    I’ve read loads of articles on how to move on past a break up. Your’s is the first that actually speaks of almost of the things I fear and feel. I am breaking up for the nth time with my boyfriend of 13.5 years. We started dating as kids in high school and broke over silly fights initially. But over the last year we have broken up over serious stuff like his unwillingness to commit to a future together or to live in the same country. After every break up there is a dull silence of a maximum of 4 weeks before he finds a way to message me and let me know he will do whatever he can to make it work . This lasts another 4 -6 weeks and we are back at square one. I’ve lived my entire life with the whole ‘quitters don’t win’ motto and that’s why I really don’t know when one should  quit or does one ever??. I really love my boyfriend but I  don’t want life to pass me by and be stuck in this vicious circle. I want this to be the last break up, move on and get my life back!
    M

  • Neige

    Hi Lori.  My mom came home a couple of days after my last post.  She has been here for 2 weeks now, and this surprised me because it seems like she got here 5 or 6 days ago.  She listens to me, and reminds me to eat, helps me with my two dogs.  Return to work is rough, my boss is giving me half-days until I get my act together (appointments with psychologist, lawyer, etc…).  My husband was able to convince the doc that he needed full days off.  Tomorrow I go back for a follow-up with the doc.  My head keeps spinning, thinking about what my husband is doing at this moment with his new girl.  Today has been a month since he cheated on me.  

    I can’t let go…today I started being scared for what is waiting for me, as I have not been single for a very long time.  I live in our huge house, as he is living with her.  Most of our common friends are siding on “my side” since he has shown very little respect to me by not only cheating, but by moving in with her 2 days after leaving me, and announcing yesterday on Facebook that they are a couple.  And when he comes here in our house to pick stuff up, he comes with her car instead of his, making a statement…I am the boss here.

    I don’t know how to allow myself to let him go. I keep hoping that he will realize what a mistake he made…  but i know that I could not forgive him right away.

    I am broken

    Neige

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped May! I can only imagine how difficult it is to make a clean break after 13.5 years, but how wonderful that you know that’s what you want! I know a lot of people who stay in denial for decades. It takes so much strength to be honest with ourselves, so I really commend you for that!

  • ss1234

    This is the best article I’ve ever read! And it is soooo helpful! I have looked everywhere for support or advice and this is honestly the only thing that I can say truly speaks to me… I think my situation is very similar to yours as you described it…. Seriously thank you so much!!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Angie

    Thank you for helping me to see things in a different perspective.  It’s been almost seven months and I just can’t seem to let go and stop dwellng.  I saw him in traffic the other day with another woman (who he seemed to always turn to during all of the time we broke up, and he always said there was nothing going on between them) and I should have known then.  What I thought was love turned out to be abuse and something I had never experienced before.  I am going to print out your suggestions and read them everyday.  Thanks again.

    Angie

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Angie. I know how it is, and I’m I could help a little.

  • neige

    Hello Lori

    Something changed since my last post.  My “husband” and I went for coffee somewhere neutral for an adult talk…no yelling, just talking.  It went farelly well, we ended up going for dinner, he texted his “girlfriend” of one month – the same one that he cheated on me with and that he now lives with – to tell her that he needed to be alone and would eat out and run errands to think.  He left his phone in the car, we had a few bites of our dinner, he is “as miserable” as I am, besides the fact that he lives with another woman already.  He cries all day (he did so all night too), feels horrible for all the stupid decisions he took lately, and constantly think of me and how he misses me and the dogs.  He told his doctor that I was the best ever relationship he ever had and likely ever will besides the fact that I could not connect to his kids fast enough.  So now, I end up being my husband’s mistress…  I am feeling much better since talking and spending a few hours with him, knowing that he too misses our life and me, and knowing that every few minutes, something reminds him of me.

    The thing is, I now am feeling a little more empowered, he wants us to work on ourselves.  He needs to work on the guilt, forgive himself, for on his communication skills…etc.  I need to start loving me, forgiving me.  Accept the decision to not have kids, and let go of my hate for his ex and to see the children as en extension of him and not only from his ex…

    So now, I am basically on call for my husband for next next little while…and I am excited about it, it’s a little bit of poetic justice for me I say.  And he is the best sex I’ve ever had with.

    Ok…my therapist is seeing this more like a couple that is still strying something

    RIght now, tonight I cried because he sill living in antoher house with a chick, to wehre he taked he 6 year ol and 3 yo down to sleep.

    Any comment?  

    I would like some constructive ones please!

  • fishtar

    Well its been now 2 weeks of the offical end. Me and my ex had been in love for just over half a year. I’ve had serious relationships before lasting so much more longer but never as loving as this – the passion was just remarkable. I’ve been experiencing the I hate yous, the I wish we could be together just one last time and have cried on countless shoulders of mutual and personal friends. It is very very difficult and the chaos theory usually says that he will not be grieving anywhere near as much as me. |we both have fiery tempers, mine being more fierce and sharp mouthed to hide very low self esteem-he’s picked up on this and did a u-turn on any marriage plans he may have had. He’s done his greiving quite publicly in front of his friends online and what shatters me the most is that I couldnt be there for him despite the golden rule of not invading a man’s space. I have left him to grieve, tried every trick in the book until i’ve reached the end of my tether and now it’s my turn to cry. It doesnt help that I actually lost my job partially because of this and am losing weight and sleep too. I guess this is true lost love and nope, dont even feel like dating anyone right now even though I have been getting invites here and there. However for his sake if someone is better for him then I’m sure he knows exactly what to do and so will I. He has made a start by blocking all forms of contact which works wonders for my confidence!!! (being sarky here)

    I have to write this now as I don’t know what I will be feeling later on. I really hope a lot better whatever situation I may be in. Y’see when you have something so good and it’s just not meant to be it’s really difficult to beleive in the postive things. Thats where I am now. I will miss him alot and do regret what I have said (and boy were they nasty unforgivable things). I could keep on wishing to turn back the clock but something else may have happened which couldve led to worse consequences and actions so maybe this is the universe and itself trying to give me a boot up my lovesick backside. I will be seeing him again with mutual friends and if he does have that special someone (hey its been weeks but who knows-he’s always been beautiful and may call my bluff this time)I am just trembling. But i have to keep my head up high because now there’s no one else to help me do that.

    I still love him but look forward to the day when I wont think of him. Goodbye babe.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Fishtar,

    I know you likely weren’t looking for a response, but I felt compelled to write something after reading your story. So I will just extend a big virtual hug to you. I know how hard this can be, and I commend you for trying to keep your head held high.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Lei

    Hi Lori! Thank you so much for this post! It’s been only a week since I broke up with my first boyfriend (I’d been happily single for 20 years). I am trying to be positive about what happened though it really hurts a lot. I know I can move on, it’ll just take time. I am happy that this post helped me more. Thanks again! :)

  • Findanish

    I am currently going through a devastating break-up as well. We started when we were in college approximately 8 years back. Now its been 8 months since I have moved to Canada for studies. Its been 8 years of amazing memories but all of a sudden she says that she has moved on with her life and she does not feel connected to me anymore. I am just shocked out my wits to hear that she started feeling this a year back but she didn’t want to tell me at that time. Even more is that I am ready to give her what she wants be it space, time and everything. She is hellbent on breaking the relationship and is not even giving it a chance to survive. Another reason is that she is doing her MBA and she wants to give 100% to it and that is a reason that she does not want to be in the relationship for another 2 years. I am ready to give her the support and the backing needed for her to do her MBA and intact anything she wants but it seems she has indeed lost the love that we once had. After 8 years I cannot believe that a person can just shake off a relationship like this and not feel the love and the connection anymore. This is completely unacceptable and unnecessary as far as I am concerned. 
    She is just asking me to move on as she has done the same which is very very difficult for me to do. 

  • http://twitter.com/sirenslondonuk Rebecca Kasak

    Many people face hard time letting go of a past relationship and moving forward and I think this information is really helpful to all such people. In my opinion when you can have a new beginning in life, release yourself and go free by forgiving the past.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I wasn’t sure if you were looking for a response, but I felt compelled to reach out. My longest relationship was three years, and it was devastating when it ended. It just felt…unnatural. I know it isn’t easy. I read somewhere once that it takes half the time of a relationship to fully get over it. I don’t think this is universally true, but I suspect the longer a relationship was, the longer it takes to fully accept the loss and move on. I know it’s difficult, but it will get easier with time. I also know this likely isn’t incredibly comforting–it wasn’t for me at first. But I started to feel it as time progressed–and you will too.

    Much time,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome! I’m glad this helped a little.

  • Dominus_scriptor1

    This was very helpful! I look forward to reading your book. It’s been 5 months now since he left. His recent mail to me was that he has moved forward and is happier for it. Funny how someone can move forward and the other one remain stuck and still madly in love. I hope I reach a point where I can say I have moved on too and am happier for it. I think it may take awhile though. It sucks knowing you couldn’t make the person you loved with all your heart and soul happy and that perhaps someone else did. I hope to find that happiness within myself someday and never outside of myself again.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful to you! It sounds like you’re in a great place, even if you haven’t completely moved on, since you’re focusing on finding happiness within yourself. That’s awesome. =)

  • Nick: Jet Li

    Thank you for your beautiful masterpiece, Lori. It was indeed inspirational to have read your article.
     
    My breakup was very painful and yet very weird in some sense. I was dating a Japanese lady for half a year and was happy every minute of the period. However, one day I tried to contact her on her mobile phone (both call and message) for two days but could not reach her. Being very worried, I decided to call her office phone around lunch break or so. We talked using the office phone and chatted less than a minute. I was just happy to hear her voice then.
     
    However, at night I called her mobile phone and she got very, extremely angry with my action of calling her office phone. She threatened to call the police if I ever contact her in any form whatsoever. I was totally shocked and devastated. I did not realize that Japanese companies are very strict with regards to making office calls etc.
     
    I had many times apologized but to no avail. Through a friend, she finally accepted my apologies after 3 months but do not intend to meet or contact me even as a friend. And yes, it was confirmed through my friend that the breakup was merely due to the office call and my repeated times of trying to apologize to her. She wanted to separate between private life and office matters.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Nick,

    I’m sorry to hear about your break-up, and the circumstances that led to it. I’m glad my post helped somewhat!

    Much love,

    Lori

  • Morfeal

    Thank you so much for the post, It is exactly what happened after I break up. I tried my best to be happy and all, but occassionally i miss her and it really hit me hard. i been through thick and thin with her , maybe that’s why I love her so much still. Thank you for the post maybe i will find someone like her.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • m3lb

    Hi there, my fiancee has done the same thing to me after 9 years. Just ended it out of the blue and seems to be dealing with it so well whereas I am shocked to my core. I dont understand how he can move on so easily and yet I am just in pieces.

  • Freespirit

    Right now I feel  like death…I  go to bed every night crying and wake up every morning crying.  Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and face the world….I am literally depressed and find myself  having crying spells alot. I am so angry with myself for allowing myself to be so vulnerable and dependent on him for my happiness. We had only dated for a few months  but we connected on so many levels.  I am having an extremely difficult time getting over him, however, we haven’t officially ended the relationship yet but I feel it’s coming and it hurts so bad.  The last time I spoke to him he told me that his feelings for me are ‘real’ and that he wanted to see me as soon as he gets back from his trip  to Las Vegas with his “male”  friend but I believe he is there with another woman and it’s eating me up  so bad inside.  I NEVER question him or accuse him of anything because I don’t want to seem like a nagging girlfriend……so he doesn’t know how I truly feel about this. When I’m around him , I act as if everything is ok and I get blinded by his affection.   I know this sounds crazy….but he doesn’t even know that I’m planning to leave him alone.  I feel way too attached to him,  so I feel like I MUST get away from him.  For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I have control of my feelings and I fell for him too fast and too hard.  I don’t want to cry anymore and I don’t want to the stress of wondering if he’s telling the truth or not.  Am I crazy for feeling like this?  

  • Mindybaby007

    I realize this post is old, but as you can imagine I came across it while
    searching ways to move on. I’m 32, never dated much, and really only been in
    love once, so I thought. I had a long – distance romance for 8 months with
    someone who was a good friend first. We dated, went on trips ect…..the whole
    time he never changed his FB status from single. But, he would tell me he loved me and that I wasn’t just “some girl”.  I never pushed the exclusive
    angle b/c I was in a different city. I never expected to fall in love. You have
    no control over your own heart. Finally one wknd I went to stay W/him & he said
    “all of his friends were calling me his GF, but he wasn’t ready for a GF”, he
    was a club DJ used to lots of random hook-ups with no meaningful connection. He
    was trying to break up W/me, but he cuddled with me the whole night. So I
    believed him when He said “let’s be good friends”, “I don’t want you out of my
    life entirely”. We hung out as “just friends” no sex a few times, but I couldn’t
    take it. I knew I loved him, ok still do!!!! 2 months after telling me “he’s not
    ready for a GF” he got into a relationship. A FB official one I might add w/a
    girl who had just broken off her engagement a few months before. I assumed it
    was a rebound on both their parts……Yet now 7 months later they are still
    together. He’s been so strange to me. I tried to maintain our friendship. (OK
    maybe I acted a little crazy, all most stalkerish) No, I didn’t show up to his place. I just kept in contact w/his friends and pressed them for info, and even made friends w/his new GF. I think this made him angry, so he finally told me, he
    doesn’t want to communicate with me at all. Just let it go, no FB, no text, no
    e-mails. Quote “move on with your life w/o me you’ll be fine”………….much
    like the poster before, he says this but his actions are much much different. He
    lashed out at me on FB for commenting on one of his friends pictures. Then I
    sent out a mass text on Christmas, the last person I expected to respond was
    him. He responded with “Merry Christmas, I hope you’re doing well?”  I just
    don’t understand??? He tells me to move on, but it’s as if he can’t move on
    either. Why doesn’t he block me on FB or my phone number if he wants me out of
    his life? I know I’ve been stupid, but I keep holding on to hope that once they
    break up, he will see he made a mistake with me. We really had a connection! I’m
    having such a hard time moving on b/c I can’t stop thinking about him all these
    months later. I have to start seeing things the way they really are, not the way
    I want them to be!!! Its hard with a confusing guy..he says one thing, he says I’m too clingy leave him alone, but his actions show another. PPL think he still has feelings for me. All I can do is pray. Thanks for listening…………………………… 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    First of all, let me tell you: you have not been stupid! I have been in this position many times before, as I’m sure lots of women have. Sometimes we can get a little crazy in matters of the heart!

    I know this may sound harsh–and I can’t be certain this is true for your former relationship–but I am going to tell you something a friend once told me: If a man tells you “I’m not ready for a relationship” what he likely means is “I’m not looking to enter a relationship with you.”

    It seems entirely likely this person really enjoyed spending time with you–and he never wanted to hurt you–but he simply didn’t see the potential for a long-term relationship. If he told you to move on, that’s what he genuinely wants you to do. Even if he responds kindly to a text message (likely because he did genuinely like you–even if he didn’t see a future with you) it might be confusing. But his actions AND his words have communicated that he isn’t the one for you.

    You deserve way better than a half-hearted relationship. There will be someone else who loves, values, and appreciates you for everything you have to offer. Once you feel ready to let go and move on, you will open yourself up to meeting that man.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I don’t think you’re crazy at all. You’re just confused, scared, and unsure of what to do. The parts of your comment that really jumped out at me were: “I am so angry with myself for allowing myself to be so vulnerable and dependent on him for my happiness.” AND “I feel way too attached to him,  so I feel like I MUST get away from him.”

    I’m sure it’s incredibly stressful to suspect him of cheating and feel like you don’t have the right to bring it up (which you do!) But the other parts speak volumes about your head space right now. Whether he’s being truthful or not, it’s not healthy to depend on him for your happiness.

    I know it’s so much easier to write that than do something about it. There were times when I dated men and felt like I had to walk on eggshells around them. I was always afraid of “rocking the boat” because I didn’t want them to leave The fact that I didn’t feel comfortable and able to be honest with them indicated the whole situation wasn’t right–not the men, and not my fear-based resistance to doing what I needed to do for me.

    So here’s my advice for you: look inside yourself and figure out what you need to do for your own happiness. The worst thing that could happen isn’t that you talk to him and he walks away; it’s that you squish down your feelings and concerns because you think you don’t have the right to communicate them–and ultimately end up feeling stuck, stressed, unhappy, and powerless.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Wendy L Lay

    Thank you Lori for posting this and giving me hope.
    In the last 3 years I met the guy who I fell in love with. The guy who I could see my life w and having a family together. The circumstances and everything we’ve been through hasn’t been ideal. At one point in time I wad the other girl, but left his ex to be w me only to be happy for 3 months and finding out he was still in contacts w her and it led to him leaving me for her. Although heart breaking i stayed by his side as a friend. Fast forward through his 1 month marriage n 6 month divorce I was back in the picture as his girlfriend. He would tell me how happy he was w me. How he was sorry he hurt me the way he did and things would be different. Of course I fell for everything he said because I loved the guy. I loved his family and his daughter.
    As times went by we did more things together, shared memories together, opened up and became extremely comfortable s each other. It was then I knew I wanted him to be a part of my life. I felt as though I found my soulmate, my best friend. I was truly happy…but it was too good to be true to actually be in love n stay w my best friend and build a family. He then suddenly changed. Grew distant and started picking fights over silly things. I realized he wasnt happy. After breaking up again, we kept in touch, hung out just the 2 of us and did the friends w benefits thing. I went on dares, but I didn’t feel any connection. the entire time I wished it was my ex who I was at dinner with or talking to. After he went back w his ex wife I realized I couldn’t be his friend anymore. I couldn’t be on the sidelines watching him be happy w someone else. I decided to let him go, but that didn’t last a long time after a week or 2 he reaches out to me and of course I miss him.
    We talk and decide to move in together. Now I thought this was it. I was finally set w him, we could start a family and be happy. 5 months later we broke it off again. Actually he did, I guess he couldn’t see himself w me n started seeing me more as a best friend than a girlfriend. He moved out and it was one of the hardest things i had to live through especially because it was during the holidays this year.
    Although broken up n he was moved out we still spent Christmas and new years together. We have slept together and we still talk everyday and like I said he’s my best friend. Recently he told me he is now interested in a new girl. That broke my heart. All these things running through my head such as me not being good enough, what did I do? Why am I not the one w him if we get a long so great n have a great friendship? I want to be happy for him, but I cant. I feel angry and mean. It’s finally at the point where this friendship is coming to an end bc as qhickly as he can move on, I can’t. I fell for him n don’t understand how good we can be together,why he doesn’t want to be w me. I understand our timing has always been off, but when given the opportunity to be great he would sabotage it n make me feel I wasn’t the one for him or good enough. I haven’t been able to let go of him bc he is the only person that understands me after going through so many friends, but at the same time staying his friend and once again being on the sidelines as he enjoys his life w someone else that’s not me hurts more than words can describe. I know we can never be together again, but losing him all together hurts even more.
    I know i need to move on and everything is telling me to stop being his friend, but my heart wants him in my life bc as crappy as everything else is n him moving on when were together and good he makes me happy.

  • Stephanie

    Hi Lori!
    I loved this post, It’s really useful and its exactly how i’m feeling. I really feel like I made the biggest mistake, and that I won’t get another chance at love. I’m going through a really painful breakup it really hurts. This is actually the first time ever that i felt this way. I’m 19 and a virgin. Six months ago I met a guy who was here on vacation, he used to live in my country but he’s now studying medicine abroad but comes back home whenever he’s on vacation. He added me on Facebook and that’s how we started talking to each other. He was really interested in me. We started texting each other every single day and talking on Skype. I never had anyone paid this much attention to me. He remembered every single detail about my life and basically texted me every 2 hours to see what I was doing. He really cared about me. He kept this on till December. We started talking in July and we were going to see each other in December, so we were talking for 5 months. When he came we were really excited to see each other, I was crazy about him and he seemed crazy about me. Well when we went on the first date, and when I told him I was a virgin he was shocked. He said it wasn’t normal for a 19 year old to be a virgin and he never asked me because he assumed I wasn’t(he’s 19 too). He told me he thought we were gonna have sex as soon as he came, and I told him that i’d only gone as far as making out. I told him I wasn’t easy. So after that we had a wonderful time we kissed and everything. We went out the whole week, even with his friends. And at that time we’d already gone further than kissing, but we didn’t have sex. The next week I had my final school exams and I had to study, but I still asked him a couple of times to hang out but he was acting all weird, he was even ignoring my calls. He told me we should wait till I was done with my exams so that my mom wouldn’t get mad, I agreed but deep inside I thought he was just making excuses. He told me we would see each other in the weekend. Well because he was acting this weird I told my self that I wasn’t going to contact him anymore that I would wait till he contacted me, because I wasn’t gonna chase any guy. 2 days before I was done with my exams he stopped texting me completely, not even a good morning text. I didn’t contacted him either at all, and in the weekend I went out to a party and he was there with another girl. He seemed shock, I think he didn’t expected to see me there. I ignored him at the party and he ignored me. 2 days later I got a text from him like at 4 am he said hi, but I didn’t respond, It still kills me that I didn’t even said hi back. Then my phone broke so I had a new number. After that I saw him every were,( its a small town so the chance to see someone at party’s is huge),  I started going to all party’s on purpose just to see him. I saw him twice with the girl and then he was always alone. I always acted like I didn’t care and that I was having fun, so he never saw that I was actually dying inside. I never had the courage to talk to him, to see what happened to him, to see why he stopped talking to me. So I never really had closure. This was all my fault, because he put so much effort on me for so many months and I didn’t even try to reach him when he stopped contacting me. I think that if I had have sex with him in the beginning , he would’ve stayed with me and wouldn’t had gone looking for it somewhere else. But as always I made the same mistake, I mean it was normal that he wanted to have sex, but I was stupid that I didn’t realize that he already earn it. He really seemed to like me and he even wanted my to go meet his family. I really thought this was it and I was even planning to go to the same college as him. It kills me every day that I don’t have him in my life anymore. And now it’s even worse because I just found out that he’s back dating the girl( the one he started dating after me) and that they even had sex . And they seem really in love. He went back to college last week, and on Facebook I keep seeing the things they write to each other and it kills me. Nowadays all guys want sex and don’t want to wait too long and being a virgin, I don’t want to give my virginity away that fast. I had the perfect opportunity at love with the perfect guy who got to know me and gave me so much attention for 5 months, I didn’t take the chance. Now he’s with someone else and I can’t do anything about it. I would do anything to have him back. Maybe I should try contacting him but I think it’s too late and that it’ll only make it worse. I think this is hard for me because it’s the first time ever I had someone there for me. I’m trying to let go and move on but it’s really hard. With Just reading this post it made me feel better. Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Stephanie,

    I don’t know if you’re in a place to really hear this, but I think you absolutely did the right thing! I didn’t have the same conviction when I was your age, and I realize looking back I did things when I wasn’t really ready to do them.

    Wouldn’t it have felt amazing if you told this guy you weren’t ready to lose your virginity, and he respected that–and then told you he would wait until you are ready? If you answered yes it’s because that’s what you really want–and that’s what you deserve! It might feel like you’d do anything to get him back because you really like him, but also because you fear that you did something wrong. You didn’t!

    Keep being true to yourself. At some point you will meet a guy who loves and respects you for who you are, and appreciates that you honored your body enough to wait until it felt right.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I think it can be the hardest with on-again-off-again relationships, because it’s hard to move on when you suspect things might start up again. It sounds like a smart idea to end the friendship. Letting go is never easy, but it’s far more difficult when you stay in each other’s lives–especially when one of you wants more.

  • Mindybaby007

    WOW! Thank You for your promptly reply, it must be hard to be so popular and keep up with your blogs. I love your work. I am linking this to my Twitter account.  Ms. Lori, I had heard that before, when a man says “he’s not ready for a relationship” it means he’s not ready with you! Maybe it’s my foolish heart but I refuse to believe that was the case here. I really feel this “play boy” for lack of a better word, wasn’t ready. He always told me he doesn’t trust women. The month after we “ broke-up” or ended things, he posted a FB status that said “ _________ is in a relationship with himself, what?? Did you expect anything else? For me, it just hit me hard that 2 months later he was in an actual FB official relationship. I think it’s just time, all his friends are coupled up, plus he thought I was seeing someone. I kinda pretended to be dating someone and all crazy about it, to make him jealous. In fact, when this EX was telling me to move on, he said “ I don’t care about your BF or anything really”. As if he appeared jealous.  I know his actions may say he’s not the right one for me, but my heart tells me otherwise………I know I’m a dreamer, I am not going to sit around and wait, I will go out there and meet new men, and try try to get this one off my mind!!! However, a part me thinks maybe, just maybe he’ll come around once he breaks up with the girl he’s dating. I dream about it.  I’m sorry to bore you with my story. I have begun counseling, but all I can do is pray about it. Be strong, and know that by re-establishing our friendship that will be a start. I do wonder if he ever thinks about me, when he’s with her. I know he was talking Shi*t about me for awhile, saying I was crazy & emotional. But I wonder if now all these months later if he thinks about me?????   

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, and you’re not boring me. Relationships can be so confusing, and moving on is never easy. You are in my thoughts!

  • Stephanie

    Hi lori,

    Thank you for your quick reply! I think you are completely right and yes thats what I really wanted and now that you say it I do deserve someone better than him who truly respects me, and appreciates me unlike he did. I feel relieved that you said I didn’t do anything wrong, because I really thought I did. I feel soo much better now. Thank you so much!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Stephanie!

  • dan c.

    thanks for this, it really helped me

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • Darthdsg

    Thank you for your post Lori. I’m a gay 23 year old male that had been broken hearted year after year with the same guy. We were both 18 when we met. Of course I let it happen even knowing what he was doing was wrong because of being the first guy I ever loved. I feel all the things you said on your post. After a year of finally not being officially together I’m starting to understand the advises you gave in your post. I’m just a little be scared to fall in love again because it was a very difficult year for me. Losing my job, and difficultly concentrating in school. I still feel love for him; however I do not have the desire to express them towards this person anymore. Will this love for him ever truly disappear or will it linger forever even after finding new love?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I really can’t say for certain how your feelings might transform–but I can say that I’ve seen it happen many times with other people, and it’s happened for me. I thought I would never love anyone like my college sweetheart, and I’d always feel that attachment, but eventually, it transformed into friendship–and now I am madly in love with the man who I frequently call the love of my life.

    I think it’s even more complicated when it’s someone you met as a teen, because we do so much growing in our 20s. I think if you’re able to start the process of letting go and moving on, you can rest assured you will eventually feel open to fully love someone else. It just takes time!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Darthdsg

    Thank you so much for the advise Lori. It has difinitely brighten my day and, gave me hope that some day I will be able to fall in love again.

    Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • MellamoAshley

    Hey Lori, I have had a semi- similar situation. I was in a relationship where I didn’t fully love myself so I was not properly loving my partner, but it was during very crucial growing years 16-23 and we knew each other for many years before. I ended it because I didn’t feel I was growing. I wanted to be free and live my life, but when I was on my own I was suddenly not a whole person just half of someone else. He went on and continued with plans that we had,but with another woman. In one year after our breakup he got married. I keep beating myself up thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life. I freak out in new relationships because they do not hold up to the standards of the things that he did. And worst of all I have questioned my entire existence since he has gotten married. Have I suddenly gotten more boring over the years and was not as spontaneous and lovable as I was before. Was I so easy to get over that he could just go get married that soon  and while all of that happened I had a hard time struggling to get over what I chose to happen? I am just very bitter at life and nothing seems as beautiful as it use to. I am just scared I will never be as happy as I once was because I never was a full person always just half of someone else….

  • Theodorinkhampepe

    My first love who is also the father of my 2 year old kid hurt me ealy last year. Since then i have been in and out of relationship trying to fill that void, met someone late last year. Told him what happened, he said and did the right things but two weeks agao he called and told me its over because he feels we are not connecting, now i cant do anything. I’m tired of being hurt, i’m so angry at myself for allowing him in. i just want to disappear coz i’m tired, sad and angry at myself. i didnt eveb cry when he told me that it was over. i’m so negative about everything, just got a new job and i’m not even happy about that. i’m always tired, not hungry and dont want to be alone. i’m lonely and i’ afraid of whta i might do because of the loneliness.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know all about that fear. Ironically, I think it’s this very fear that kept me unhappy–not the fact that I was single–and I think it’s because I was so unhappy that I was unable to find love again. I know it’s hard to believe that you won’t always be alone, since we can never know what the future holds, but I promise you, if you focus your energy on forgiving, accepting, and loving yourself (instead of worrying that you did something wrong, or you aren’t as lovable) and loving life (instead of feeling bitter about it) you will be in a much better place to eventually attract the type of relationship you want. And it will be a much healthier relationship, because it won’t be about need; it will be about two compatible people complementing each other’s lives.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to accept and let go when there’s a child involved. I know it’s probably tempting to blame yourself, because that emptiness and uncertainty can be so painful. But I hope you won’t give in to the urge to disappear. That beautiful 2-year old needs you, and needs to see a model of what it looks like to forgive and love yourself. Do you have friends and family who you can lean on right now so that you feel less alone? You won’t always hurt like this–it will get better. You just need to access your support system while you heal and get strong again.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Sckleingartner

    Hi
    I was in a relationship for over a year. She was my first girlfriend ever! She didn’t feel happy in the end and all I feel like its my fault; even though she says its not…now I feel like there will be nobody else because I was 20 years old and she was the first girl who was interested in me now I feel like I will be alone. I don’t know if I will find love again…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I felt the same way when my first long-term relationship ended. I couldn’t imagine I’d ever feel that deeply for someone else, but I do. And this is a far healthier, happier relationship than my first. I know that this will sound like a cliche, but you have your whole life ahead of you. I am sure you will find love again! It will likely be when you aren’t looking. That’s often how it works.

  • Cathmartin86

    Thank u for posting this. I am currently going to a really difficult break up with my boyfriend of 8 years. I was 18 when we met and he was everything to me, my partner and my best friend.

    It hadn’t been working out for a while, but with the bad bits there were good times and we loved each other dearly. Then last year he met a girl whilst out drinking and they became friends, he told me nothing was going on but they were constantly texting and messaging each other on Facebook. It drove me crazy and we had continuous arguements over her, till eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted a break from him. We would text and email all the time, keeping in contact and it was really hard over Christmas being by myself when I used to spend my time with his family.

    I met up with him for a drink last week to talk and I find out he’s dating the girl that he denied anything was going on with, when I log back into Facebook (i had deleted my profile since we split) I see pictures of them as a couple together doing all the things that we used to enjoy together. I feel so humiliated and sick that someone who I loved and still love after all these years would do something so cruel to me and move on so quickly from our relationship.

    I haven’t been sleeping, eating and have never felt so Depressed and alone.

    Reading this article has helped me realise that I’m not going crazy and that hopefully I will pull through and get over this horrendous pain.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are definitely not crazy, and this pain will pass. I hope you’re leaning on your friends and family during this challenging time. So many times when I was hurting, I holed up by myself when what I really wanted was to let people in. Everything is easier when we remember we never need to carry our burdens alone!

  • Dee

    I feel stuck.   in the past with regret, and I’m afraid to move on since I’ve looked back and now see the mistakes I’ve made.  I loved my ex.  I made mistakes first time we were together and was hoping for a chance to be together again to do things differently.  I believe there was a chance many times where things could’ve turned around between my ex and I, but I became clingy, couldn’t control my emotions, (felt guilty and excited) I crossed a line from wanting to needing and I eventually drove him away. This went on for about 2 years.   He is now living with another woman. He has moved on. I don’t know how I’m ever going to move on myself andI I’m afraid to mess up again with someone else.  I have met men since that aren’t right for me.  I feel like I”m never going to meet someone like him again. I want to move on and find someone else, but I feel discouraged especially seen as I’ve met several men since who were quirky or odd right from the beginning.  I am getting older and I just want my life to be settled down with one great guy and I don’t know what to do..I ruined the chances of getting back with one great guy, one I messed up with and now he’s gone and I’m stuck.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Dee,

    I really feel for you, because how hard it can be to move on when you feel you’ve made mistakes. I made so many massive mistakes in relationships and I really beat myself up over them. This made it even harder for me to open up to love. I hope you’re being kind to yourself! Even if you made mistakes, you still deserve understanding and love.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/O6UYHL3LFK62XNKBWCX3O3BQME NadeneG

    I’d like to know, how do you deal with getting over a relationship in which a guy has sex with you then leaves you in a text and then turns off his phone, because he wanted to be the one doing the breaking up. (we were together for a little over a year by the way). he wanted me to feel the hurt and not him. also i hooked up with this guy approximately six months after an extremely disastrous relationship with someone else and i cant seem to stop feeling pain, hurt, anger, and most of all hate. note to self im 21 years old and already i feel like im going to end up a lonely hag because im not sure i can love again. ppl always do things to me that i dont deserve. its hard. how do i deal with that.

  • kayshia

                    All thanks goes to Dr ASIKA KUMA who help me with my problems.My husband and i have been married for eight years now,we live happily as good couples until a friend of mine cast a spell on my husband.he abandond me and his family,he din’t even want to see me at all because he was under a spell.it was now getting to six months since my husband abandond me and i was fraustrated and don’t know what to do until i meet this great spell caster on line,i tell him my problems and he give me four days assurance that he will come back to me.He help me break the spell that was castted on my husband and to my greatest surprise the fourth day my husband came knocking on my door and beg me for forgiveness.once again thank you Dr ASIKA KUMA.if you need any help you can Email ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com.

  • Jack

    Hi Lori,
    This is the first post I am reading on Tiny Buddha, came across it via google search. 
    Thank you for this insightful post. 
    My situation is similar to many people who have commented – Found a wonderful girl whilst at College, we got together in the first month at College. She was my first love, and we dated for four years. I suppose we were one of those naive young teenagers who thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. We had a rough last six months (due to a number of small arguments, a few big ones, about no real serious issues). In the heat of the moment I said ‘never contact me again’ during one of those arguments, and she took that really badly. We agreed that we would take some time apart and get back together after exams. However she wasn’t keen on getting back together after exams, she went overseas and said we can talk about it afterwards. She came back, and then broke it off with me. I was devastated but she gave me some hope saying that if we are both single in six months we can try again to see how we go because like me, she didn’t want the last four years to mean nothing. I found this very confusing, I would have rather she told me that it would never happen again, because I found it very difficult to move on with my life.

    A couple of weeks after this, I had relations with another girl. When my ex found out about this she was initially very upset, but then very mature and reassured me that I did nothing wrong. But for some reason I still feel very guilty, because I think I ruined any chance we had of getting back together. She reassured me that it is no different now, we may still possibly get back together but she needs some time away. However she’s removed many mediums of contact between us i.e. phone, social networking, emails etc. She said that it wasn’t just to keep me from calling her, but also from her calling me. I’m not sure what to do. I really want her back. That’s what I always wanted. When I was with the other girl, I reassured myself that my ex clearly said that we were broken up, and we both had to be single for a little while. I suppose my chances of getting back with her close to zero. Spoke to my parents and they said, sometimes when you love someone you have to set them free, and if they really want to they will come back. But I suppose I’m feeling insecure, what if she finds someone else to make her happy. She said that she is now going to let herself fall for other guys, and apparently she wasn’t doing this before. Not sure what she means by this, and I can’t really ask her because she doesn’t want to talk (understandably so). I know I shouldn’t expect us to just magically get back together after a few months, but I really think we can make it work. Whenever I look back on our relationship the good always outweighed the bad, I never wanted to break up with her. I guess now I just play the waiting game? should I? On the inside I know that the wait will be worth it if it works out, even if it doesn’t work out I will always regret not waiting.. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m sorry you had to go through that Nadene. It sounds like a cruel way to end a relationship with someone. First, I’m going to say something that is going to sound cliche, but it’s nonetheless true: You are so young, and you still have so much life ahead of you. You will definitely learn, grow, and eventually open yourself up to love again. The very fact that you know you don’t deserve to be treated badly tells me you love yourself, so you’re in great shape in that regard.

    Focus on that–loving and being good to yourself. And try to see if you can learn anything about the guys you choose to date, so you can recognize warning signs in future relationships. That’s one thing I learned about myself: for years, I was attracted to men who were likely to hurt me. For me, it was because I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like, and I thought I deserved to hurt. See what insight you can gain about yourself, and that will make a world of difference in relationships going forward!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jack,

    I think your parents offered some wise advice. I know it’s tempting to try to do whatever you have to do to get this relationship back, but that isn’t the same as letting go. That’s letting go for now, while really holding on.

    In my experience, second-time relationships work best when two people truly move on with their lives, and then find each other again when the time is right, ready for a fresh start. That would mean you’d need to release the need to get her back, and accept that it might not happen. I know that might sound harsh and difficult, considering how much you cared and how good the relationship was at its best, but it’s really the best thing you can do all around.

    This will allow help release the anxiety about what is going to happen between you, and it will help you increase your odds of being happy on your own, and eventually in another relationship, whether it’s with her or not.

    Work on forgiving yourself. No one does everything perfectly in relationships. When it’s the right relationship, little mistakes, like one heated argument, won’t make it fall apart.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Annie

    Wow! Truth! 

    Grieving is such a natural process to the point that ‘brain scientists’ have categorised and recorded each stage of it YET why do we sometimes let it take over like a stuck record? I have gone through most of the grieving process over and over with one particular person: shock-denial-hurt-guilt-angry-bargaining-shock-denial-hurt-guilt-angry-bargaining-shock-denial-hurt…
    I know logically that this is not healthy and that I must somehow move on but this person is with me most days as my colleague and for 3 years they haven’t had one single clue of my holding on to the time we were together – perhaps because I am so proud.

    I console myself that I am not doing any damage to him but I see I am doing some damage to myself. I’ve also learned that I suffer from ‘complicated grief’ (thanks) and did also with my ex boyfriend for a number of years.  It should be easier to get off this painful carousel if I would simply realise that I have overcome loss in the past.

    Also romantic novels and films do not help anyone – they explain that love with ‘the one’ is everlasting and will survive all adversity. They also show an unfair image of ‘failed’ relationships where instead of recognising that sometimes ‘it just doesn’t work out’ they paint a negative picture of the ‘ex’. Perhaps I should leave these well alone for a time.

    Thanks so much for sharing your own experiences – you deserve great happiness and success. You chose to focus on positivity and it is paying back.
    :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome Annie. You’re so right about romantic books and movies. I think they often promote codependency and unrealistic ideals, as opposed to healthy romantic relationships!

  • Shelbs816

    Wow this has helped me so incredibly much. Thank you for posting this. I am 22 and am just getting out of a 5 year relationship. I have been having the worst time on trying to let go and not beat myself up over the situation. Your article has really helped me understand, learn, and feel like I can actually do this and get through it. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

  • tryingtoletgo

    I fell in love with a guy when I was fifteen. I know too many people that seems impossible at such a young age but I know in my heart it was love. I loved him so much that at the time it scared me. We honestly had a great relationship but at the time I still wanted to be a kid. He left to join the navy that year and we remained together for another 3 months until I broke up with him. I loved him but I was young and confused. I’m now 21 and still feel the pain of losing him. I think about him everyday and I try to tell myself that its over and just to move on but it doesn’t work. I still often cry myself to sleep because I fear that I’ve lost the man I truly love

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad my post helped you!

  • YMONEY264

     levimerr
    This is a spell caster I contacted 2weeks ago. She is really great. I have been scammed initially by other spell casters of almost a thousand dollar. I am not rich, I work my ass for this hard earned money. But my sadness was turned to joy when I met DR,MORE. She is really terrific and you will get results for whatever you are seeing her for within very few days. She is so honest and sticks to her promises. Her contact is below/spritspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know it’s hard–especially because you were so young when you both met. It sounds like a cliche, but the pain will pass–and you will love again! It just takes time.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Ymoney264

    My Name is Mohammed.I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster once when i went to Africa to Execute some business. He is really powerful. The woman i wanted to live the rest of my life with left me 3 weeks to our wedding ceremony and my life was upside down. She was with me for 8 years and i really love her so much. She left me for another man with no reason. When i called her she never picked up my calls and she don’t want to see me around her and she also deleted me from her facebook account. so, when i told the man what happened. He helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me. He told me he will help me to cast a spell that bring her back. At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try. In 4 days, she called me herself and came to me apologizing for all that happened. I never believed that she was going to come back but today i have her by my side with the love and care i was wanted from her. This man is good and he is the author of my happiness. His email is spritspelltemple@yahoo.com 

  • Howard

    “Dr Magbu 
    I love to be on your testimonial page to spread my happiness. Your hard work and
    effort is greatly appreciated especially from me. My girl-friend is back home.
    We are back together. I’m picking her up from the station today. I haven’t saw
    her in 6 years. I waisted so much time with other spell casters and should have
    stuck with you originally. You are a truly gifted spell caster and I just wanted
    to take the time to show how you and tell the world how grateful I am”thanks
    to reunitingexspell1@gmail.com
    ..Howard

  • YMONEY264

     RITA
    My name is Rita i have a testimony to share with you. i was in  relationship with this guy called mark. we well nave happily 4 day a ago my friend come to visit me. i never know my boyfriend no her. I nave no my boyfriend was cheating on me. he was going out  with my friend some of my friend was tell me that my boyfriend is cheating on you. i never believe them, until i saw them with my eye. I never believe in magic until my friend introduced me to this man DR CHECK.he told me that he we cast a spell on him 2day after he cast the spell i receive a call for him that he is come home.  My happiness was restored by the spell caster .i am so happy that my love is back to me again. Big big thanks to you sir. you can constant him on this Email templeoflove1@gmail.com                             

  • YMONEY264

     THEMES
    Hey, can this be me?let me air my problem and solution out to other who are in need of solution to there problem.Since three month my boyfriend left me for another girl and if i call him he will switch his cell phone off and when he see me,he will disgrace me.But now he has come back to his senses by the power of spritspelltemple@yahoo.com i will use this opportunity to thank him and tell other that he his the right spell caster for any body.

  • punitha j

    I had already tried 4 different online spell caster’s services, but all the casters I met were jerks and scams. Then my Walter told me about Old Religoin Temple. I wasn’t sure anything would come out of it, but I thought, why not take a chance? I cast a Love Spell, and the very next week a gorgeous guy came up to me at a club and asked me to dance. He is caring, kind, romantic – everything I always wanted. We’ve been together for six months, and we’re talking about getting married. I’m a believer!” If you requires any assistance, you can contact the temple through oldreligoin@gmail.com   Arsha

  • Sadie

    Hi lori

    I have read a lot if your posts and material, I have just broke up with my boyfriend of four years due to him lying about being in contact with his ex. As he lied to be before and this time I think I deserve to be treated with more respect.
    He came to my house to discuss to say he sees the lie as a mistake as he didn’t tell me to save hassle! Now I am feeling guilty for breaking up with him but also am so angry due to his lies. As the lies has always been about his ex can you help me with some advice

    Many thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Sadie,

    I think you need to tune into your instincts here. Do you feel that his explanation really excuses his lies? And do you think there’s a reason to be concerned about his communication with his ex? If your first instinct was to break up with him, there may be a good reason for that. It might be hard to stick with your guns here because you want to believe the best. There’s nothing wrong with that if you decide that’s what you really want. Just to be sure you’re being true to yourself!

    I hope this helps.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Sadie

    Thanks lori for getting back to be ever so quickly yes u are right his excuse do not excuse the lies and the lies have always been about his ex. He has broken up with her five years and been with me four although she is a bit crazy as she would come to my house wreck his car and want to fight with me she has done a lot of things and he still seems to be her friend. Which I don’t understand and then it makes me feel insecure that he still has feelings for her as he was with her for longer than five years. I have fell out with him a week tomorrow and it was my gut instinct that brought up the question about his ex so I need to stay strong and move on. All my friends and family are telling me that I can do better and to be true to myself I know I have and can as our relationship was never fifty fifty I did quite a lot of giving and he wouldn’t really put the effort in. I know and hope this is the right thing I am finding it a bit hard as he was in my life everyday for the past four years.
    Thanks for your advice lori take care sadie x

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Sadie. It sounds like you’re making a wise choice. I’m glad you realized what you need to do for you!

  • Sadie

    Thanks I was so positive early and now he had to come to mine to confuse me and argue with me even more. As he didnt even have a job and miraculously he does now and seems to show he doesn’t really care that I ended it. Just so fed up x

  • Whatzup68

    Hi Lori,
    Today I came across your website when I was searching on how to let go. I too have had my share of bad experiences in life. I dated a guy for 5 years in the hope of getting married to him, but instead of marrying me he ran away and got married to someone else. He just used me and then one fine day ran away without even telling me. His father abused me and my family to the extent that he told me that he will kill me and my family. Its been more than a year now but the pain of being betrayed still exists. I just want to feel free once again. I want to feel happy once again. More than anything I want to be myself once again.When I read your article I found hope. I really hope that I can let go of my past.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Wow, that sounds like quite an ordeal. I’m glad you’re no longer in a position to take that kind of abuse–and also, I’m glad my post helped!

  • Evelyn alibo

    thank you for your post Lori maybe those post may help me to move on.i’m  a girl 18 year old that had been losing a baby in just 2 month in my womb.for now i don’t what i’m going to do i feel terribly hurt for this time you know what losing my baby is just losing everything in my life because that baby is the only way that my boyfriend is still in my life i do not have strength to tell him everything what happen for me.i am just scared to disappear everything in my life i truly love him.will this kind of relationship.I need to give up or it will last forever?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Evelyn,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. I wish I had an answer for you, but I really don’t know if your relationship last. I do know that if he loves you, he will stand by you as you deal with this challenging time. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve kindness and support. If he doesn’t offer that to you, I hope you’re able to lean on friends and family so that you’re able to let go in time. No one should have to bear their pain alone.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Hao Ren

    Lori, Thank you. Best advices ever. Looking forward to that freedom but I hope you can answer my confusion state now. I shall summarise in point form.
    1) Long distance relationship. Comes to my country every month for 4 days due to work.
    2) Colleagues and same department. Her name will always appear in my email.
    3) Dated for 6 months. Hot turned Cold.
    4) She confessed she had this college crush for 8 years. Kept in contact occasionally.
    5) Became “friends” but I am unable to make a clean break up.
    6) She always make it like pre-dating days while we are together. Gave me hope.

    How can I break away?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Hao Ren,

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad my post helped! If you’re looking to break away, you likely need to take a long look within and ask yourself why you’re holding on. What is it that you fear? What’s the worst that might happen if you give up hope–and what’s the best that could happen? You don’t need to answer these questions for me–they’re just for you.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • sunnie

    Lori, thank you for this. 

     I am going to print it and re-read it each day, it speaks to me so.  I left my husband 2 years ago because I felt that it had run its course as a marriage.  I felt that I needed to leave the nest and explore life- the urge to go felt very much like when I moved out of my family home for the first time at 20, only this was racked with guilt and pain. He is a wonderful person,  I learned so much from him and I still love him but I just felt that I couldn’t go on in the same way.  He is doing good now, he has grieved it and is open to being friends-in fact we are friends!  I feel that he and I could truly be supportive friends for the rest of our lives.  We have a very strong bond. 

    But I have been beating myself up for 2 years now.  I have been stuck on my guilt and regretful feelings of what could have been.  I love the water bucket reference because I realized last week that it was like I have been carrying a large, awkward bowl of water that is all I am focused of and comes between me and the world and life.  I also feel like I am hanging on to the ledge of a tall building downtown, scarey noise all around me.

    I want to heal.  I made a choice and there were reasons behind it.  It is so painful because I left a marriage that many would stay in.  It was very loving and supportive with  strong family bond feeling…but I had to go.

    Thank you again-  I really needed this insight.  I want to heal this despair.

    <3

  • KMAK

    Sunnie – I am going through this as well, only I haven’t done anything.  I feel the need to leave, torn between the comfort, love and security that my husband/family provide me and the desire to be free and explore - how comforting it is to know there is someone out there, like me, who is going through the same thing.  And thank you Lori for providing us with your insight, daily teachings – I cannot even begin to tell you much they have helped me – to heal, give me courage and make me into a better person.

  • Dinalost

    I really can’t forgive myself for ruining a possible romance with a very nice man.  I met him through on line dating. We met up.  He liked me and I liked him.  We texted over a period of three weeks but only I only him twice.  I became very confused at receving texts (which made me so happy) to then seeing him active and logging onto the dating site where we both met.  I became to ….. wary and scared that I was being made so happy at receiving his attention I then wondered if he was texting/seeing others.  I flipped and sent the maddening text…..here to the end….he ended it saying I behaved unreasonably.  Okay I did but it was the hole I dug and the words I used in trying to dig myself out of a situation I did not want. 

    I was wrong and right and too soon…..

    Now I am left with the turmoil of not knowing if I actually did ruin a nice thing and I am find this hard.

  • tinybuddha

    Hi Dina,

    I know that feeling when you think you’ve made mistakes. It can be hard to move on when you’re beating yourself up. The good news is you didn’t too emotionally invested in this potential relationship. This wasn’t your only chance at love, so try to forgive yourself. This way you’ll be in a clear head space when you meet the next nice man.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • SeekingClarity

    Thank you Lori. Thank you. I have been at my computer for the last hour looking up “I got back together with my ex but I realize I don’t feel the same” I needed to know if anybody else has experience the level of guilt and confusion I have been feeling for the last year. I wanted to find a post that would hopefully convince me to stick it out… I am afraid of hurting her again.

    I broke up with her a year ago. She said horrible thing to me and we ended things with no closure on either side. I spent the the next year rehashing my relationship with her and beating myself emotionally. Even as I dated another beautiful person, I constantly compared them to her and wouldn’t allow myself to invest fully in the relationship. I sabotaged the new relationship. In fact I ended my relationship with this person 2 months ago traveled across the world on a whim to get back with my ex. Because I convinced myself that “she was perfect for me and I had sabotaged our relationship out of commitment-phobia and if I got back with her I would see that and clearly we were meant to be because 10 months later I still thought about her everyday…etc (what you have helped me to see now is that it was mostly guilt and fear of letting go that kept me rehashing the relationship. 

    Now I am across the world living my my [ex] girlfriend realizing that i don’t love her the same way I did before and I have to break up with her AGAIN. I am afraid of letting her go because I can’t stand the idea of her not being in my life at all. I love the way she loves me. I love how supportive and giving she is. I love that she is financial secure and successful and I truly feel lucky to have her in my life but I simply am not in love with her. I love her deeply but I don’t feel ready to commit in the way she wants. I don’t feel strongly enough to carry out a long distance relationship (she’s older than me and lives in another country).

    Thanks to you I have realized that my main issue is that I don’t love myself. I don’t know how to be my own support system and my relationship with my ex is my safe zone because I know she will love me and take care of me and “hold me up” by taking on what ever role I need her to. allowing her to do this is really selfish of me.
    Going forward I will break up with her (YIKES) and try to convey all of these feelings to her and try to live in peace and forgiveness. And if she wants me out of her life, I will just have to bite the bullet. 

  • Lilly23

    I enjoyed reading this post and i have to say the ending made me cry. I got out of a emotionally abusive relationship a year ago and have had alot of trouble letting go of the past and feeling guilt. This has helped me tremendously.. I thank you Lori…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Lilly. I’m glad you got out of that relationship! Walking away can be the hardest part.

  • Cora

    powerful kumar. I am so happy to tell you that Frank and I just got back from a wonderful

    second honey moon in Greece after renewing our vows. After being married for 10 years and 2

    kids later, the luster had been long gone from our marriage until I found you. Our first

    wedding was in front of a judge, quick and to the point because neither of us could afford

    more. Our vow renewal was everything that we wanted and the honeymoon was absolutely

    amazing! It feels like we have fallen in love for the first time all over again. I owe you

    a big hug!powerful kumar(powerfulkumarspell@yahoo.com)

    Thanks! ~ Cora, United States, Los Angeles, CA
     

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. It sounds like you’ve formed some powerful insights. I really admire your strength in recognizing what you need to do and committing to doing it. I know that isn’t easy.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Jennat

    powerful kumar, I still laugh every time I think of my former ex (now fiance). I had the adult dysfunctions revenge spell cast on him and got to hear the stories come in. He couldn’t figure out what had happened to him. He tried pills, creams, anything over the counter or under to help his situation. After watching him suffer a bit, I was sympathetic and we talked, ended up working out our differences and I reversed the spell. He still doesn’t know what happened and I still laugh when I think about it…thanks powerful kumar(powerfulkumarspell@yahoo.com)

    ~ Jenna, Alberta, Canada

     

  • SeekingClarity

    Hey LeaninGray…

    I am going through the same exact thing that you are. The same exact thing except this happened a year ago and 10 months later I was still obsessing over guilt and worrying if I had just lost the love of my life/my one chance at happiness so I flew across the world to make up with her because I thought “well if I keep thinking about her and comparing others to her then i might as well be with her… just like you thought. but when I took the chance to make up with her before doing the necessary work and before knowing for sure what my feelings were… I messed up. Now I’m back in the relationship and uncertain again if I want to do this long distance relationship. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I am still the same person with the same selfish worrying and She still wants/deserves someone who knows what they want. and here I am about to break up with her again and hurt her again… 
    so I caution you not to act in haste or fear and try to work from a place of love – love for her and for yourself.

    heal yourself first because you can’t love in a relationship before you love yourself/believe that you deserve love or you’ll just keep sabotaging your relationships.

    Here’s a message that I posted to Lori earlier so you can see that I know exactly where you are coming from:

    “Thank
    you Lori. Thank you. I have been at my computer for the last hour looking up
    “I got back together with my ex but I realize I don’t feel the same”
    I needed to know if anybody else has experience the level of guilt and
    confusion I have been feeling for the last year. I wanted to find a post that
    would hopefully convince me to stick it out… I am afraid of hurting her
    again.

    I
    broke up from a year long relationship with my girlfriend a year ago because I
    worried I didn’t love her enough to commit the way she wanted to the long
    distance/long term relationship. She said horrible thing to me and we ended
    things with no closure on either side. I spent the the next year rehashing my
    relationship with her and beating myself emotionally. Even as I dated another
    beautiful person, I constantly compared them to her and wouldn’t allow myself
    to invest fully in the relationship. I sabotaged the new relationship. In fact I
    ended my relationship with this person 2 months ago traveled across the world
    on a whim to get back with my ex. Because I convinced myself that “she was
    perfect for me and I had sabotaged our relationship out of commitment-phobia
    and if I got back with her I would see that and clearly we were meant to be
    because 10 months later I still thought about her everyday…etc (what you have
    helped me to see now is that it was mostly guilt and fear of letting go that
    kept me rehashing the relationship. 

    Now
    I am across the world living my my [ex] girlfriend realizing that i don’t love
    her the same way I did before and I have to break up with her AGAIN. I am afraid of letting her go
    because I can’t stand the idea of her not being in my life at all. I love the
    way she loves me. I love how supportive and giving she is. I love that she is
    financial secure and successful and I truly feel lucky to have her in my life
    but I simply am not in love with her. I love her deeply but I don’t feel ready
    to commit in the way she wants. I don’t feel strongly enough to carry out a
    long distance relationship (she’s older than me and lives in another country).

    Thanks to you I have realized that my
    main issue is that I don’t love myself. I don’t know how to be my own support
    system and my relationship with my ex is my safe zone because I know she will
    love me and take care of me and “hold me up” by taking on what ever
    role I need her to. allowing her to do this is really selfish of me.

    Going
    forward I will break up with her (YIKES) and try to convey all of these
    feelings to her and try to live in peace and forgiveness. And if she wants me
    out of her life, I will just have to bite the bullet. ”

     

  • Marlene

    I love your website and post. I have been looking for advice for my issue & I would love to hear yours. I dated a guy (from my high school) through my college years. It started up one winter break after we had been inseparable best friends for the year prior. We went to different colleges so it was long distance but we spoke on the phone, through email and IM every single day, multiple times a day. We were very involved in each others lives and visited for every little break or long weekend we could. It was passionate, exciting, and a rollercoaster at times. We fought loud and loved loud but we made a great team. For summer and winter breaks we were both back in our hometown together, inseparable. One semester I went abroad and he even came out to visit me there. We were best friends, had amazing chemistry and made eachother laugh endlessly. The summer before my senior year began, I could feel that he wanted to tell me something and had to pull his confession out of him – he wanted to break up. No reason except that he just didn’t love me the way he used to. I was devistated. We didn’t speak for a week then we went back to hanging out all the time as friends. I was trying to go back to how it used to be before we dated only I could feel that he had hardened towards me. When I got back to college and my male friends found out I was single, they came out of the woodwork. I stayed friends with everyone and tried to regain focus of my life. One of my college suitors respected my situation and was a wonderful friend to me. He was kind, shy and loved being around me even though I talked too much about my heartbreak. I stayed single for a full year and even moved across the country before I finally decided to try and move on even though we spoke on the phone once a week and were still good friends, my ex was most likely not coming back to me and it was unfair to the guy who clearly liked me. I started dating the sweet guy and although it wasn’t as exciting as my past relationship, it was lovely and sweet and fun and I told him that I always wanted to remain friends with my ex. I’ve always been very open with my bfs. Fast forward 2.5 years later I was home for the holidays and my ex confesses his love for me in writing and in song and will do anything to get me back and fully realizes what unique and amazing chemistry we had together. Literally my dream come true. It was like I knew one day it would happen, I was just waiting for when he would get it. I even thought that if that were to happen I would get back with him in a heartbeat but all I could think of was my sweet man and what a loyal kind person he is that I know will make a great husband and father and that he is so wise and good and deserves me and I deserve him. My ex would make a great partner, he’s talented and amazing and also very kind, but I had been so supportive of my ex and his artistic endevours, I even helped him get through numerous breakups, gave him dating advice and I remaining a mature friend. I was kind of insulted that he wanted a decision so fast given all that we’ve been through. My heart was telling me to get back with him but my gut was telling me not to. I was literally frozen in time plagued with this decision and I still am to this day. And my current bf is well aware of it all, but I don’t talk about it with anyone. I’ve now been dating the same sweet man for 6.5 years and I’d like to get married and start having kids. I was all set to give my bf the green light and then when I went home for the holidays I ran into my ex (who is currently in a 2 or 3 year relationship) and I literally cried when I saw him my emotions were so strong. I was instantly attracted to him and we talked and hung out for hours, not coming close to running out of things to say. I laughed harder than I had in years and felt like maybe I convinced myself so hard that it was wrong that I might not have made the right decision. When I’m around my ex I want to run away from him, when I’m back with my current bf it fades a bit but I do sometimes cry myself to sleep thinking about it. Ugh. I am so exhausted by this and all aspects of my life have come to a halt because of this that I can’t move forward withought clearing up my heart and my mind. Any advice or wisdom or clues you can pull out of me to solve this problem would help so much. Thanks for your time.

  • Marlene

    typo, I meant to say: “When I’m around my ex I want to run away WITH him”

  • leaningray

    SeekingClarity,
    Thanks so much for commenting on my post – I often feel like I am the only one going through this and it is a bit of a relief to know that at the very least I am not completely alone in this. I’d like to be able to say I’ve made progress/some changes in the last two months since the break up, but I haven’t. I still long for her and obsess every single day. I feel that since the break up I have been resisting contacting her in fear of it being out of desperation – I wanted any contact to be genuine and not fear-based, but I find it hard to separate which is which – which ones are my fear-based thoughts/feelings and which ones are genuine, and what if they’re mixed? Because I don’t seem to be getting over her – if anything, the reverse seems to be happening and I often find myself fantasizing about her and what could have been had I let myself be open to it/ what could still be if she would take me back and if I tried to be different this time – I keep thinking that contacting her might be a good idea, since nothing seems to be changing.

    I must admit, I sent her a letter over a week ago. It wasn’t overly emotional, but short and to the point – I had a few rational-minded friends look over it to make sure it wasn’t too crazy. I said I still wanted to come to her area of the country to do some work over the summer – basically the plans we had made before to be able to spend more time together in person to see how things would go. I also mentioned that I know I can’t expect much from her now but that I think I will regret not going if I don’t do this. I said that I miss her and know that whatever happens something good will come of it and we could have a great time together. She hasn’t responded yet – maybe she won’t – and I don’t know what she’s thinking at this point. It’s really scary because there is a good chance she won’t be into my idea. I have even purchased my plane ticket to go, since I wanted to get the ball rolling and I happened to find a great deal, but I don’t know if she’ll even be up to my idea and I may be fooling myself.  

    It’s been really hard because everything/everyone reminds me of her. She is truly a beautiful and inspirational person and I feel ashamed of how I took her granted. I feel like no one else gets me like she did and any conversations I have with people seem to pale in comparison.

    On the other hand, I am scared of ending up in your situation, because anything is possible, but I can’t seem to shake the idea that I could be different this time and that things could work out. I don’t meet people I really connect with often – approximately every four years it seems – and it frustrates me to no end that I may have messed up something great and rare.

    Now I’m torn between calling her and giving her space. I feel like calling her because nothing is changing on my end and the feelings of wanting her back only seem to be intensifying. Despite many people’s good and well-intentioned advice, I wonder if the only thing left to do is to take action and, if it is a mistake, then at least I will know from experience and not from trusting someone’s advice.

    I think it’s really brave that you took a chance and flew half across the world to get your ex back, even though many people might think it’s a foolish thing to do. Even though this ended up being not what you wanted, at least you took the risk and found out for yourself – you didn’t just take someone’s word for it. I admire that because I often find myself trying to follow everyone else’s advice – though I guess not so much in my current situation since I’m not letting go like many people are telling me I should be.

    Earlier today I was convinced I would call her tomorrow – that I would state my case and see how she responds. If she is willing to try to work things out then we can move in that direction, if not, then maybe it will be closure for me to actually start letting go. I just worry how time seems to be passing by yet my feelings/thoughts still revolve around her constantly – that isn’t changing. I keep thinking that if I don’t call her now, what if I decide in another two or more months that I do still really want to call her but that so much time will have passed that it will be an even greater risk to try to rekindle something with her and may just end up being embarrassing. Realistically she could have even met someone by now – I doubt they would be planning a wedding or anything, but a flirtatious friendship could definitely be brewing as I write this.

    It’s great that you seem to have found some clarity in your situation and, I don’t want to create any doubts for you about doing the right thing, but in all my obsessive-googling, I came across something called ROCD aka Relationship OCD (Obsessive Compulsive-Disorder). I don’t want to play doctor or pretend I can diagnose these things accurately, but I think it’s worth reading about/ looking into. I personally found a lot of the signs/symptoms applied to me and my situation. I have a feeling you may feel the same. This doesn’t mean you should stay with your ex, but it is something to consider for your next relationship, whenever that may be. I recently made an appointment at a cognitive behavioural therapy clinic in an attempt to get some help. I’m hoping that this type of therapy might help me at least a little, even though I realize that no counselor can ever “save me”.

    I’m really curious as to how your situation is unfolding. Have you had the talk with your girlfriend yet? I hope you will keep me posted!

  • leaningray

    Wow, I can really empathize with your story/ dilemma. I have had a situation in my life in which I also felt torn by one person who made me feel excited, intellectually stimulated, and infatuated and another who made me feel safe, comfortable and consistently loved. In my situation, I chose to act out of fear and insecurity and stayed in my comfortable situation, dating the “safe” person, while getting to know the more exciting person through email/chats on the side. This went on for some time and eventually I ended up hanging out with the exciting girl in person and we ended up kissing. It was one of the funnest evenings/nights of my life (though bittersweet, since I felt very guilty), but I ended up hurting the “safe” girl I was dating at the time. Instead of leaving her and pursuing something with the “exciting” girl, I apologized for my behaviour and tried to stay with her, out of guilt and fear. In turn, I also ended up hurting the “exciting” girl, as she thought we had just had a marvelous time and my decision to try to keep staying with the “safe” girl didn’t seem to make any sense.

    Some time passed, but I couldn’t get the “exciting” girl out of my mind and eventually decided to end things with the “safe” girl, in hopes of pursuing things with the “exciting” girl and getting back to what we had attempted to start. Unfortunately, I had missed my chance, since the “exciting” girl had started resenting me and no longer saw me as the same person. I broke her trust. We tried dating but it didn’t work out.

    Soon after wards I attempted to get back with the “safe” girl and she forgave me and we tried to move on, though I constantly felt guilty and knew I didn’t really deserve a second chance/ to have her trust back. Over time we drifted apart more and more and she no longer saw me in a romantic light. In the end we broke up and it took me years to get over the guilt of having hurt two great girls and for being a coward.

    This was a few years ago, but I would probably still be tormenting myself over it had I not recently made a new mistake with a new person – there was no cheating or emotional affair involved (remembering the pain of having done it the first time stops me from ever wanting to go down that road again), but I took the person for granted and worried a lot about the relationship – I was constantly questioning my feelings for her and if I felt “in love” enough. We recently broke up, since she could no longer handle my constant doubts about our relationship. So, now I find myself feeling intense regret and blaming myself for my new mistakes.

    Though I am unable to offer you much in terms of advice, maybe something in my story might help you see things a little more clearly, or at least you can know you are not the only one who has felt this way.

    I hope you find some peace in whatever decision you make, and however your story unfolds.

  • wendy

    My life is in turmoil, I can not seem to move on at all, i have tried so hard, but my past just wont leave me, I was married for 26 years, i met my ex husband when i was 18, we lived abroad for 8 years, then came back home to the UK, at the time my daughter was 1 year old, we had a good happy life, close to our families, which was what brought us back, we lived in the same house for 20  years, he was busy building up a new business, i was working part time, our daughter was by then 19, when i started looking for freinds on the internet, it became an obsession, i would  rush home to log on, it was all i could  think of, i think like a lot of people, i thought the grass was greener, (it isnt), my ex got suspicious of my on line affairs, and was spying, it caused a lot of arguements, with him eventually leaving, although i didnt actually have a real affair, i now see it was just as bad,i couldnt see that at the time, i was lonely, felt neglected, my mother has not long died from cancer,and i think that i was trying to block that all out, when he left, i soon found out that he was actually having an affair, with someone he had met on the internet, and she was staying with him regularly at his new apartment, that hurt, that really hurt,i begged him to come home to me, but he wouldnt, so eventually i gave up trying, and divorced him. I have since re married, to a wonderful man who adores and worships me, and i love hime very much, but i can not let go of the past, my ex is still with the same woman, and they have a great life,his business is doing very well, he owns 5 properties, one of which is the holiday home we shared but is now his alone, as  i had to hand it over to him, in order to keep the family home so as my daughter and i would have a roof over our heads,, my ex was rutheless over the divorce, he tried everything to bad name me, including saying he would get a private investigator to spy on me, it was awful. now he is a millionaire, 6 years on, and she enjoys all that i feel i had worked for all my life with him, its like he just dumped me when the good times came, after all the hardship, so unfair, i live a very simple life now, not much money, no holidays, just hand to mouth, i suppose that doesnt help with the bitterness, the strange thing is, i keep thinking, what ifs, was it all my fault, so much guilt, so many regrets, i can not decide wether i still love my ex, i hate his partner with a vengeance, but i can not seem to hate him, why is that? he hurt me so badly, he let me down, i think now, i was going through some kind of mid life crisis, when i did all the bad stuff, and he was so self rightous at the time, although he was actually having this affair himself, but i just can not let it all go, i replay it all over and overagain, it drives me insane,i love my new husband very much, so why can i not let go  of all the past, i feel like i am never going to be truly happy again, and that i am just going through the motions of life,and that i am missing out on something that should have been mine not hers, i feel like they rub my nose in  things, such as, hearing they are going on holiday again to the apartment that me and him bought together, that hurts me so bad..My new husband wants us to move away from the area, but i feel like its just me running away, its not going to stop my head from going roundand round allthe time chewing up the past…. please help me to move on and let this all go…before i go totally crazy…thankyou for taking the time to read this very long post…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Wendy,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. You mentioned that you can’t bring yourself to hate him. From my vantage point, that’s not a bad thing–so long as you don’t hate yourself. I know this might seem nearly impossible right now, especially since you have a lot of resentment and unresolved feelings, but you can move past this, when you’re ready, if you’re able to forgive him and yourself.

    Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through your feelings? It may help you understand what’s keeping you stuck–beyond the fact that he’s living a life of financial freedom, and you live hand to mouth. It might also help you create a sense of empowerment, because it will allow you to start making progress with the messy emotions that right now seem unbearable. It won’t be easy and it may take time. But you have a lot of life left. You have a new husband and daughter who love you. If you’re willing to do the work to heal, you will, one day at a time.

    I’m sending you good thoughts and lots of love!
    Lori

  • wendy

    Hi Lori, thankyou so much for replying.
    Early last year I did have 6 sessions with a therapist, to talk about not only the issues i have with my ex, but also regarding my dad, who took the side of my ex, I heard on the grapevine that he had been socialising with him and his girl freind, during the divorce,this hurt me so much, and when i confronted my dad, he was very sharp with me, and told me he wouldnt stop seeing him, just to please me, so we didnt speak for 2 years. The only problem i had with the therapy sessions, was, I just couldnt bring myself to open up to her about what I did, I have so much guilt about the internet stuff, I was a real bad person at the timeand I feel so ashamed, I havent even told my husband the full facts as i am scared he will see me in a different light, although i was very lonely at the time this is no excuse for it, i know i hurt my ex real bad,probably because he is a real control freak, and i was just another possession to him. I dont consider myself to be a bad person in general, and i have never done those bad things since being with my new husband, i dont feel the need to anymore, and i am trying each day to be a good and honest wife to him. But I still can not forgive myself, I did email my ex a couple of years ago and asked him to forgive me, he said he had a long time ago, but he never once admitted he had done anything wrong, in his eyes i was the one who caused the split, even though in the end i didnt want
    the divorce and begged him to come back, he told me he loved his girlfriend and not me, so thats when i thought there was no hope. dont get me wrong, if all that hadnt happened i wouldnt have met my wonderful new husband, so i do believe everything happens for a reason. i consider myself very lucky to have been given this second chance, but i just can not seem to get my head out of the past, I need to learn to forgive my self, i just dont know how.
    thankyou.   

  • Marlene

    Thank you for sharing your story. It really does help to read other people’s experiences. I hope you can bring what you’ve learned from your relationships to your next one and make it healthier and happier and not stay stuck in past mistakes. Good luck to you.

  • Ailuro_aurora

    Hi Lori.. Thank you for posting this… I am still learning as much as I can how to let go the man I truly believe as the love of my life.. in my 29 years, I have never loved anyone like this.

    End of September last year, I met this amazing guy.. we fell in love, so without him even asking me to, I left another guy who I was dating with for the last 4 years. However, this amazing guy was, and still is, married.. I hope you are not judging me but truly, I have never felt like this before.. Never dated a married guy before. Also, he is a foreigner in my country, he’s a Japanese and I can wear, Japanese guys think like they are from outer space! And so there were lots of culture-clashes, misunderstandings, dissapointments.. When we were really close together, he promised that he’d left his wife in 6 months and I truly believed that.

    However, it seems like he couldn’t handle my depression and constant sadness (it breaks my heart knowing that he’s in bed with his wife every night). And I couldn’t understand his workaholic dan busy schedule (him being a typical late 20s Japanese worker). And so we parted, or more exactly, he left me. Without saying a proper goodbye. Without him even holding me nor looking deep into my eyes.

    Now I’ve read many blogs already that that’s just how Japanese men broke off their relationships, by simply not talking and just leaving.. they avoid confrontations, so they just hope that the ex would simply get the “message” without having to actually say anything.

    He started texting me much less 3 months ago. And he put on his ring again around 2 months ago, when I had told him that it was time to let go (even though I was just pretending, inside I was, and still is dying). We were working for the same company, in the same office room, so it was extremely hard… but last night was his farewell party, and I went, and it broke my heart in several ways..

    Firstly, because he obviously has gotten over me! Completely. I am broken hearted because it just seems soooo much easier for him than for me. He was happy jolly-ing with everyone else last night, and I was miserable. He was the one who pursued in at first… and now he just left so easily.

    Secondly, because I realised from friends that he really wants a child from his wife (they don’t have a child yet) and that he actually still have 1 1/2 years left to live in my country. Those are very important things to him, of course and I am sad that I had to learn about these from other people instead of from himself. And we were sooo close….

    Now Lori, I realise that he’s no good for me (as he is married already) and I’m no good for him (my constant jealousy and depression). But I simply have never loved anyone like this…

    I’ve tried EVERYTHING, loving myself, getting busy, meeting new people, but I just can’t seem like forget him. I’ve tried focusing on yoga, and while doing so I feel happy&complete, outside the yoga studio I think about him all the time. Actually I am tired of thinking about him. I don’t know what to do now…. he’s the last thing on my mind before I go to bed at night, and he’s the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning.

    I’m hopeless… how could he forget about me so easily? 

  • Nhlvanese

    Thank you. Just 3 weeks since I broke up with him. 3 years together and we even had many dogs together! He has moved on quick and seems happy. This helped me a little. Hopefully I can make it through. Haven’t seen nor heard from him since the day we broke up.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I hope you’re surrounding yourself with good friends and family for support!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Wendy. I think shame can be one of the most destructive emotions. This was the hardest for me to work through, as well. I don’t know if this will help, but I have found that self-forgiveness is easier when I take it one day at a time. I’ve had to let go of certain things over and over again, but that means I’ve had many victories. I hope you’re able to be good to yourself. You deserve it, even if you made mistakes. We all make mistakes!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ailuro,

    I’m so sorry to learn about what you’ve been through. I’ve dealt with debilitating depression before, and I’ve chosen the wrong men. I know none of this is easy, and it must be even more complicated because you work together.

    You’ve mentioned that you’re tried everything to forget him. Is it possible that maybe it’s not about trying different things and forgetting him, and more about doing nothing and finding yourself?

    I don’t think there’s an easy answer here. The reality is that this might be painful for a while. And there aren’t guarantees about how long it will take to fully heal and move on. I think it might help to keep doing healthy things for your own self-care. Stick with yoga if it provides at least a little peace, or try meditation. It may take a while, but you will feel better if you take good care of yourself and accept that you need time to heal.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Keza_li

    Hey Lori,

    I dated a guy for 4years, we went travelling for two years – stayed in London, we were so strong at one point, and then lost track somehow.  Its been a year now, and I am in a relationship with a guy who is everything I dreamed of! I am so scared I mess this up, bringing my old baggage into it.  Even though I dont want my ex back, because he is way to toxic for me, I cant stop thinking of him..like you said there is guilt sadness and loss… i just wish I could release all those feeling at once so I can move on now! Your article makes so much sense and I just hope I can apply it to myself!

    xx

  • trying2letgo

    thank you, your site has been very encouraging.  sometimes i feel like i’m the only one in the world that is or has been through something like this.  i haven’t let go yet, but i’m trying

  • Bansheeboo

    For once, some advice which actually speaks from the heart and is genuinely helpful.  Thank you – I’ve been yo-yo-ing for one year in and out of a bad relationship, I know I have to move on but I’ve spent too much time down negative roads and over-compromising.  I will look at this every now and then to help me.  Heartfelt thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Keza

    I’m glad my post helped! It sounds like you’ve made some great progress, even if you still feel a lot of conflicting feelings. Sending good thoughts and love your way!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. You are not the only one! We all struggle with letting go. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I believe we can find strength in each other.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry I missed your comment before! I realize it’s been a long time since you wrote. Is there anything I can help you with now?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Manikamagnusson

    Wow, this is a really cogent piece. Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome!

  • Confused

    Hey Lori,

    Just wanted a little bit of your wisdom.

    My girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago after a two year relationship together. We were both each others first love and we had great times as well as bad. She called it off with me once she came back from vacation with her family, saying she wasn’t happy with our “unhealthy relationship”. We did fight a lot, mostly over pointless things, and on a few occasions we would even get physical with each other (something I’m not proud of). Also, I’m not completely positive (because she denies it) but there’s a good possibility she cheated on me while she was away. She posted very suspicious pictures and said some comments on FB that support my suspicion.

    Anyways, I gave her space and now she wants to be friends, but I told her I couldn’t drop what we had to a mere friendship. She still is begging me to be friends, saying I was her best friend and she just wants to keep me in her life. I told her I couldn’t because I still love her, and that’s when she told me she still (and always will) love me and still feels the same about me as when we were together. She just doesn’t want a relationship anymore because what we had wasn’t healthy and things never changed. It’s funny because I always used to tell her our relationship was unhealthy, never did anything about it, and now I’m here.

    I’m really trying to move forward and forget about her (that chapter of my life), but it’s apparently very difficult. My question is, should I try to be friends with her despite how I feel, or should I just let it go.. I went out I dinner with her last week and could feel our chemistry, and it just ate me up that I couldn’t kiss her and be intimate like we once were.

    My friends are telling me to move on and leave her in the dust, but I know she still loves me, and that keeps me wondering if well ever have another chance together..   

    What are your thoughts?

  • John

    Hi Lori, I read some of your replies below and I do agree that it’s much harder when you are a teen because I’m currently going through it. My ex of 4 years recently came back to my life after years of pushing me away because of her fear of being vulnerable. I fought for us for a long time and now that she’s actually fighting back, I am at a lost of what to do. Do I take her back even after all the hurt with the chance that this time might be different or walk away completely? My heart is fighting the most confusing battle of it’s life.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I can understand how this must all be conflicting and confusing. You know you both still have feelings for each other, and yet you also know it was an unhealthy relationship. My main advice is to follow your instincts.

    As an outsider reading your comment, I get the sense you know it’s best to make a clean break–it just feels hard because a part of you wishes it didn’t have to be that way. The reality is it will only get harder if you try to maintain this friendship–and also more confusing.

    I think your friends are giving you good advice. But the important question is: Do you?

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • VioletCalloway

    I had a spell cast by someone called *name powerful kumar and he were very nasty to me. I was worried that maybe they did something to make my situation worse.powerful kumar the power of your spell, broke and cleansed those bad spells and put things right with the binding love spell. I don’t know where I’d be without the spell casting services your organization provides.i will advice anyone to contact him for help…(powerfulkumarspell@yahoo.com)

    Thank you so much! Violet Calloway – Leeds, United Kingdom

  • Kellmanning

    Hi :) awesome post. Your advice is truly insightful. My story is same as everyone elses i guess, so i dont feel it is necessary to recite. The point is that its been well over a year since the break up & i still find myself unable to let go. He has a beautiful new girl & i feel i have nothing. I saw new pics of them on fb and it absolutely killed me. I feel as though i shouldnt be feeling this. I have gotten rid of fb in fear of seeing more ifhis perfect little life and feeling that horrible revolting feeling in my stomach again. I want these negative feelings to go away.. I want to let go completely and feel only happy for them. I honestly want to.

  • Ivel_panda

    Dear Lori,
    I just came across your blog, and I feel like you could help me…
    I never got to be his girlfriend, though he kissed me, and told me he was falling in love with me (later I found out that while this, he seemed to be having feelings for his long time friend). I feel regret because even though I was loving, I always held back because of fear he might leave/dissapear like he did once while starting to get to know me (didn’t call him, he didn’t either, didn’t text him all the time, etc.). To sum up what happened, there came a time where I felt him even more distant or like we were headed toward the wrong direction (we used to state we wanted a serious relationship, but I didn’t see any work or progress towards it), and I felt he indeed was in love with someone else. The day I told him I thought we were just “hooking up”, and asked him to stop kissing (just to work on ourselves, build up a friendship, do things right -though this I didn’t state as clearly-) was the last time I saw him. A few days passed with no contact, and one day he texted me saying hi and how I was. That was the most terrible week ever, but I settled on responding extremely normal, and that was the last time I “spoke” with him. Even though I wanted, I forced myself to not talk to him; he seemed to be doing great. After two weeks I was sure he had started something with his friend, and now I am completely sure of it. Right now they are together, and he’s happy. I feel like shit, pardon my french. I wake up everyday thinking I should have talked to him; I feel unresolved, at fault… No self love, feeling like because of my fear I was the most boring, non-loving girl, like she’s so much better than me. I feel jealousy, envy, and pain, all of this while still being accepting of the whole situation and not even feeling hate for any of them. I still have him on Facebook, I didn’t delete him off my phone (have in mind I don’t expect anything at all). I don’t know if I should delete him because it pains me how he expresses himself about her, how I’m put off as a mistake and how he acts as if I didn’t/don’t exist. But I still feel like I want to be resolved with him, like I want to be friends, or just be on good terms (even though I think he doesn’t care, he’s moved on, and the only one like this is me). I think that by deleting him I will make this impossible, or -even though he might not even notice- make him think I am angry, hateful, or want to avoid him (which I don’t, even if it pains me). I read another article about being friends with an “ex” (though in this case he can’t be considered my ex…), and I don’t want to be the one who wants a friendship because of guilt or unresolved feelings on only my part. Right now I just don’t know if I should approach him, I don’t know how, I don’t know if I should delete him… I feel like I shouldn’t run away, and get over this entirely, while having him move on “in my face”… And I feel like I am, though it still hurts, not enough to cry but enough to get watery eyes and wake up thinking about it… or end up thinking about it the entire day. I feel like I am not respecting myself while keeping him around, but at the same time I think I am and I’m just being mature about it? Ignore, or cut off?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I can understand how conflicting this must be, especially since you’re blaming yourself–like you may have done something wrong, and now he’s happy with someone else.

    It seems to me that you were listening to your instincts when you were holding back. You suspected he was in love with someone else–and you were right. So now the real question is: What do you feel you need to do in order to let him go? Would it be easier if you completely cut him out of your life? What do your instincts tell you this time?

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • shmookie

    Hi Lori. I’m struggling to get over a guy who I was with for a year and a half who dumped me out of the blue 3months ago. He was just settling a very nasty divorce and her and her trail of devastation really affected our relationship to such an extent he talked about her a lot – in a negative way – and couldn’t really open up to me. I feel like we were so great together but when I pushed him for commitment he got scared and pushed me away, now we haven’t spoken for 5 weeks and I feel so much regret. I wish I’d given him more space and not been as demanding and I wish we could try again but I did have red flags that he was emotionally unavailable early on in our relationship but I chose to ignore them. Any advice for me to move on or even how to approach him? He’s just finally settled everything with her so should be free. I miss him and his 2 kids who I don’t see now which is horrid.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi shmookie,

     It might not seem like it right now, but it seems to me that you may have done yourself a favor. If he was emotionally unavailable, odds are that wouldn’t change. It may take a while to let go, particularly because you feel you’ve done something wrong (I don’t think you did!), but over time, you will feel better able to move on–and then you’ll be able to open yourself up to a man who is ready to be in a mutually supportive relationship.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Purplesam1

    I understand the pain feeling because I had a break up last year …..
    It was really bad I was do sad. But then I got worse he went out with my BFF!!
    Idk what I cAn do but then I read ur reply and I agree with u :$O

  • shmookie

    thanks Lori that does help. Even though I know in my head he wasn’t ready it didn’t stop me falling for him  – maybe I need to address those issues in myself as well for my next relationship.

  • Pingback: Learning to let go |

  • Ted_bart

    I think this article can help me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad it helped Ted!

  • Andy Mcl

    This was very helpful I think I know what I,need to do now,
    I’ve been in love with the same girl since I was 12 years old when I met her on a school trip.I saw her fall on some rocks and I caught her before she fell and we have always liked each other since. I’m 18 now and we’ve never had a proper relations hip as there’s always been things in the way . She had a boyfriend for two years and I have been in a few relationships. She broke up 6 months ago. I’ve been trying my best to rekindle what we previously had but she says she doesn’t know what she wants.
    I think I need to move on. It’s gonna be hard but it has to be done before I do something completely out of character trying to get her to love me back. Thanks for the advice.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Andy. I know it’s never easy to let go and move on. I’m glad my post helped!

  • Jdx1972

    I could really relate to this, to an amazing extent. I wish I knew the solution to the problem. For 3 years I’ve been searching for it myself, with no success.

  • Tony

    Hi,  thank you, your words to me make so much sense, i see and feel my own emotions playing the same rolls in moving on from a relationship break down with my wife. Sometimes we only see what we wont to see hey, you have started my process to forgiving myself…….. Happiness to you…

  • Jstherek

    you read my emotions like it was written in a book.. thank you.

  • Tammi

    I find this hard… 8 years and 3 children and he pretended to be dead…and left us.  It was hard… it is hard I still love him and he moved on so quick. No soul and no consions what-so-ever.  I will not heal for a long time… like being in a dpressive state.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Tony. I’m glad this helped!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Wow Tammi…I am at a loss for words. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been, to go through the pain of his (supposed) loss and then learn what he did. Have you been doing anything to facilitate healing–such as therapy, group therapy, meditation, etc?

  • Ivel_panda

    Thank you for taking the time to respond! I hadn’t seen this though, not until today.
    I sent him a message yesterday. I basically told him I wanted to be on “good terms”, and that I was okay with that and hoped he felt the same way. He’s decided to ignore me. I’m okay though, I think I’ve done everything in my power to “ease” the unnecessary tension. It sucks to feel like the “surrendered party”, but it’s satisfying too. It’s just annoying now to have him around.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re more welcome! I’m glad to hear you’re feeling okay, even though he hasn’t responded. I’m sending good thoughts your way!

  • Asdkjasdha

    its really helpfull to me/ i was going to end my life, but this site come up. you save my life in a peacefull way

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad you didn’t do that! Sometimes it can seem so dark in a moment, but things always get better with time. If you have those thoughts again, can you promise me you’ll reach out to someone you trust for help?

    I’m sending lots of love your way!
    Lori

  • Gibbo2871

    Thats all very good and cuddly wuddly love myself. my ex ran away overseas with our 5 month old son on my birthday. Some little teenage crush is all you are talking about. when you have a real perspective and have by some miracle matured then maybe you might have something noteworthy to say. was that too harsh for you? Oh dear thats my point my tirade is nothing comparef to what I suffered and must endure everyday. You are Alice in la la land.

  • Gibbo2871

    You knew your stay os was temporary and you got deeply involved with her. That my friend is just young dumb and motived by cum. Meet someone else and unless you like dying stop drinking alone and maybe even stop. until. you are living with a new girl and you can drink togetherand sing karaoke. You made foolhardy choices and still are. Grow some balls put yourself out there noone is the one rellationships are always strengthened by well forged long term memories together. Dont tell me im insightful or any of thatt fkn bs its just obvious

  • Gibbo2871

    Good response and it is trur but get help anyway depression can come in waves. Councellors etc are crap see a G.P. and tell them and get reffered toa psychiatrist dont do it because i said so dio it because thats who you need to reach out to.

  • Gibbo2871

    A year since you broke up. You feel you have nothing. You have got the time clearly to count the days hours and months . Why do you want to feel happy for them anyway so what. Im not being glib but its none of your business how they are you split up a year ago. Why do you feel you have nothing look at it you had him so you know you can land a guy get something nice on instead of staring at a computer all day and get out go to the mall for a coffee with friends have dinner even if its alone and stroll around the mall thinking about nothing more than which cd you will buy.I gave another girl the same advice. It works. Guys are guys if you look well groomed and hygeinic there is someone out there who will be glad to meet you.Believe it or not most guys still do like feminine girly girl women and secretly we enjoy shopping for handbags if we like the girl. Ask a random guywho appears alone what he thinks of the hat or bag etc that you are thinking of buying but scope him out and makessure hes single. It may not work the first time but it will within a month. By the way music shops are great unisex places to shop singly there mighr be sone guy you. could like browsing the cds you might like what better way to strike up a conversation without any pressure and expectations. Just say anything relevant after you work out if he is singke he will respond. Just dont sit at the computer all day reminiscing and perusing facebook etc. Its been a year its starting to get unhealthy if you cant bring yourself to go out within a month you should talk to someone.

  • Guest

    Thanks so much for this post. I’ve made a lot of progress getting over the relationship – although not as much as I would like, sadly – and today wasn’t one of the better days…so I googled moving on and this post came up. In the past I’ve read “advice” that wasn’t very helpful, but when I read your post, I immediately knew that someone understood and has been through what I’ve been going through for nearly a year now. It’s difficult, too, because he moved on so quickly…he was ready to date again a couple of months later. I still can’t imagine being with anyone else. He wasn’t my first love, but he was the one I thought I’d marry, and we broke up because of distance (moved for jobs) not because of falling out of love. The entire situation sucks. On the one hand, I’m happy he’s not sad/lingering over what we had; on the other, I’m hurt that he got over me so quickly and doesn’t seem to think about what we had at all. I’ve been through breakups before and know that they take time…but it always hurts like crazy. The “stop thinking that if only you’d done something different, you wouldn’t be in this pain now” part of this article was HUGE for me – made me tear up, actually – because that’s all I’ve been thinking about since we broke up. Thank you, thank you.

  • Gibbo2871

    Wtf??????????

  • Gibbo2871

    Unhealthudamn righy physical violence. If she was my daughter i would physical violence you.You arent emotionally mature and while you arent you wont ever have a healthy romantic relationship. Lift your game and get angermanagement. Forget her your lucky she wants to. be your friend. Even if she was violent with you walkaway. Thats what man does and women want a man. You admitted it though so get some counselling to sort out your emotions before you even think of embarking on a relationship with her or anyone else. I knoow noone is perfect and she wasnt either but you will not succeed in any relationship behaving like that so do yourself a favour and seek emotional counselling.

  • San

    I don’t really know about your post. I’ve been working so hard toward my feelings but I still miss my ex boyfriend. I’m in my late 20′s and I don’t really care about travelling, professional career, hobbies, family or even friends. I know they’re all important but they don’t really matter to me. I do all of that because that’s what single people do. (I did go to work and studied when I was with my ex). All the things you mentioned are ment to be done with or without a man…It’s all about survival…but I don’t really care about that either. It has been 2 years since my ex dumped me, and there isn’t a day when I don’t think of him. It doesn’t mean I don’t do the effort to go to work, go travelling whenever I can, go out whenever I feel like going out but I don’t do it because I like it. I do enjoy it but I always think that I would enjoy going travelling with him. I need him to share my life with him…I have friends but is never the same thing. (I can’t have sex with my female friends).
    All in all, maybe I’ll get married, have children and all that but I know it will never be the same. I do believe that we’re able to love once only. I know I’ll do my best to be happy but deep down, I know it won’t be the same without him. It’s something that I just can’t explain! I know he is truly the man of my life. I’m still living though.

  • Nolegirl_jax

    Thank you so much for posting this. I’m having a hard time getting over a relationship that I blame myself for ruining with a wonderful man because I was impatient and frustrated.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I know all about blaming myself. I’ve been there before. I’m so glad this was helpful to you!

  • Jessica

    I was married to my HS sweetheart for 14 years. He had an affair and we are going through a divorce. It feels like I’m losing my right arm, but I’m not.  I have both my arms still in tact and it’s time to step out on my own. Thank you for this post. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Jessica. I’m so sorry to learn about your husband’s affair, and I’m sending good thoughts your way!

  • Hopeful

    thank you…. i feel like i’ve been living a lie since i was 23 years old (i’m now 30),, he broke up with me at 23, we were high school sweethearts and dated for 6 years..he called me one morning before work and ended our relationship without any explanations… i’ve been in 2 relationships since then and i purposely sabotage them so i can say i know why we broke up and not have someone hurt me again… i don’t love bf #1 anymore but yet all of the hurt, pain, trust issues, insecurities get transferred to everyone of my relationships.. i can’t stay in any relationship because of the pain from my past and hence, i’m always a temp gf and  he’s a happily married man now…  i started off my search looking for ways to commit suicide but then i found your blog

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Hopeful,

    I’m so glad you found this blog and have reconsidered taking your life. Have you talked to anyone about what you’ve been going through? I’m worried for your safety.

    I’ve also sabotaged relationships, and I’ve been a temporary girlfriend many times in my past. I thought things would never get better, but they have, slowly over time. They can and will for you too if you start the process of healing.

    I hope you are doing alright.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Jersey

    Hello

    I just say it as it is… I’ve been seeing a married man for the past 8 months. He broke it off as he can’t handle his conscience anymore and he wants to try to be a good guy. I always knew that he wouldn’t leave his wife but I always hoped. I know I shouldn’t have been seeing him but I’ve been in love with him for over 3 years. We work together so it’s impossible not to see him and I feel like keeping him as a friend is better than losing him completely… I’m just not sure what to do. I cry and don’t sleep or eat… Don’t know how to get out of this… What shall I do??

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jersey,

    I know this is likely not what you want to hear right now, but I think it’s actually good that he broke things off. If he’s the kind of man who will cheat on his wife with a coworker, he’s likely not the kind of man you truly want to be with. If he’d cheat on her, he could easily do the same to you, even if he did leave her.

    Are you able to see him less at work? It will be easier to move on if you’re able to create some distance between the two of you. I’ve dated coworkers before, and maintaining contact made it painfully difficult to fully let go. Trying to be friends, for me, meant hoping for more, and that was just torturing myself.

    Also, have you talked to friends or family who you trust about this? Break ups are never easy, but they’re harder when we go through them alone. My advice is to lean on people who love you. It will get easier in time, once you work through your feelings and heal.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Jersey

    Thank you so much Lori. Yes I have been talking to friends and they are here for me… I am trying to swap off flights. He is a pilot and I’m cabin crew so I am trying to get away from him as much as possible. Also I am thinking about deleting him from facebook and his numbers etc… But it did help to hear the awful truth from someone objective! So thank you again!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Those sound like great ideas. You’re most welcome!

  • Teek

    Hi Lori, 
    Your post is great. I didn’t realize that I was subconciously already doing all these things you mentioned in your post. I left my boyfriend after 5 years of being together when I found out he cheated on me multiple times. It made it much easier for me to leave him when I found out about the cheating and lying. I got into the relationship in my teens and when I broke up 5 years later, it felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders and for the first time I acutally felt that I was devoting time to get to know myself and putting my needs first. Even though it hurt at the time (over a years ago) , it gave me an opprtunity to see myself as an individual and rediscover my passions and friends. In a few months, I went from being sad and needy to confident and loving life.  Being sinlge and happy is so important and knowing that you can love yourself without being in a relationship is the most liberating feeling I have ever felt. It really is true that true hapiness can only come when your heart feels unparalled freedom. When you are free to pursue your hearts desire and satisfy yourself emotionally and intellectually, you radiate a sense of hapiness from indside. My friends and family often comment that I look so different and so much more confident recently. It is not to say that you cant feel these things in a relationship. I guess what I am trying to say is that when you get into a serious relationship very early on in life, it can hinder you from discovering yourself becuase you still do not know who you are. You have to love yourself first before you can love somebody else. There is no denying that. In retrospect, I know this may sound odd, but I am so happy that he cheated on me becuase it was such a wake up call to reality. There were so many things wrong with the relationship besides the cheating and lying but I was wearing blinders to them (mistakes made on both our parts) and the cheating was the last straw. 
    I do still regret spedning so many years in an unfullfilling relationship but I am hopeful that time will give me the wisdom to realize the relationship was not wasted. It takes years to come to these realizations sometimes but I feel like I am headed in the right direction. 
    Thanks for your post! Its great to know other people are in similar boats. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Wow Teek it sounds like you’ve really blossomed since your break up. That’s wonderful. I love what you wrote about realizing that time was not wasted. I think if we learn, then our time was well used.

  • Galajell

    I’m depressed. And it has been 3 months after the break up and I really feel like i can never find anyone else like my ex boyfriend. He was the best person and he made me smile in every second I kissed him. He loved me too but I broke up with him over a misunderstanding and he got mad and told me that he didnt care. Next , I tell him if he really wanted the break up and he said yes. I’ve been soo broken and I keep trying to beg him back. After the break up, he still had feelings for me but now its just dead gone after making the mistakes of getting mad when he hadnt respond to this one text I sent him and telling him I miss him. He asked me for a friends with benefits instead and I got so furious that I told him I was gunna move on and that I am finally going to be happy but a month after, I come chasing back to him that he even calls me a desperate stalker now. He tries so hard to avoid me. It is killing me inside and I really want him back but I want to just let it go. I dont know how. I have tried to get rid of the guilt but they just keep coming back. I keep having those “If only I told him the reason why I broke up with him” Or “If only I hadnt overreacted at that one situation, he would’ve forgiven me” . & I have become a desperate. I need help.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m sorry to hear about the pain you’re in now. I have been there before, and I know all about the “if onlys.” You might feel that way for a while before you start accepting what happened and moving on. It might help to think about what he asked of you (friends with benefits) and also how he’s spoken to you (calling you a desperate stalker). These aren’t loving things.

    I know in this moment it may seem like he was justified in doing those things because you broke up with him–but he wasn’t and isn’t. You deserve someone who won’t treat you or talk to you that way. And you will find him once you heal and move on. So try to be kind to yourself, and try to forgive yourself. You may have broken up with him, but you don’t deserve to be treated badly. You deserve love and kindness. How can you give that to yourself right now?

  • http://www.sanitykeeper.com/ Tonette

    Great post Lori. I tried writing about this topic but still find it hard when it comes to letting go. I’m glad I stumble upon your site and got deeper insights :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Tonette. I’m glad you found my post helpful!

  • Heartbroken

    I think this is very helpful, we broke up around 3 weeks ago, we said would discuss it when she was ready and if we rushed the decision. After 2.5 weeks, she said the decision for her was right and she did not want to keep hurting me. I am heartbroken, but following the advice above. One of the things I am having issues with are memories and nostaglia that creeps up – since we did things mostly around the area I lived – lot of things remind me of us, how would you recommend dealing with this ?
    I am also anxious of telling my friends - I feel really down and sad thinking about telling them, I know it will be good for me but at the same dont want to do it. Even deleting her from my facebook is going to be hard but I need to let go and seek closure- just not ready yet.  

  • eyenza

    I have been dwelling and  romanticized the moments that we spent together. He is my first true love and I keep blaming myself for falling in love with him. I still miss him, so much, but i guess that’s the process of moving on. I won’t hate him because that would make me live in denial, and that will make me hate myself even more. i read your post over and over again to remind me to keep moving on. thank you so much for the post.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Eyenza. I’m glad this helped!

  • JOHANA

    I found out that my husband lied to me. He met with someone few times and then I found a note from someone else. It has been almost four years I still feel very wounded. I think what makes more difficult that my husband doesn’t understand and he blamed me for his choice. Your strategy is helpful and inspiring. keep doing good work

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this helped you Johana. I know it’s probably far worse because your husband blamed you. I hope things get better between the two of you!

  • Marajane_

    Me and my ex ended badly. He hurt me so much to the point where it would take me hours to write it all up… Its been about a month or two. Our last words weren’t pleasant. I feel like I owe it to the couple of months of happiness at the beginning to try and change our ending to happy one. What I mean is I feel like I can’t let that last little bit go knowing he hates me or has negative thoughts about me. Should I try and make contact after so long? Try end things on a better note.. let go of all of my what if’s… My problem is when we first broke up it was my birthday the following day and he didn’t wish me a happy birthday and I think he changed his mobile number

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can understand your feelings. It can be hard to feel a sense of closure when things end badly. If he’s changed his number, it’s possible he may not want to talk right now. Have you considered writing a letter, and communicating everything you feel you need to say? You might find that after you write it you don’t really need to send it because you may feel better able to let go after clearing your thoughts, regardless of what he may think or feel about you.

  • Heartbroken

    How come everybody else gets an answer but me ? lol
    Just going through the emotions during the day have been hard. I am kinda of perplexed where you have to go through the emotions but at the same time pull yourself into the moment

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Heartbroken,

    I just saw your first comment! I sometimes miss comments because I receive a large volume on all the various posts, and sometimes it’s a little challenging to keep up!

    I think it would help to tell your friends and ask for their support in moving on. They will likely encourage you to delete her from your Facebook. It’s probably a good idea to do that, otherwise it may be tempting to “follow” her daily activities. I’ve found the best thing after a break up is to make a clean break. Then, once you’ve worked through your emotions and started healing, if you want to establish a friendship, you’ll be able to do that without secretly holding out hope for more.

    I know it’s tough to be in the moment when you’re dealing with loss and pain. It will get easier with time, especially if you allow the people who love you to be there for you!

    Lori

  • Truly_yourz18

     I have a question for you: I keep old memories and photographs of my Ex’s, but I never look at them. I don’t think about how I miss them or anything. However, my current partner is threatened and is frustrated with the pictures. He asks me, “If I am the one for you, why should you have those photos?” I reply that nothing in life is permanent and until we sign marriage papers, I don’t know if it is permanent. His ultimatum: the pictures or him. Do I throw away and delete my past relationships or do I keep them just say I did until I am ready to throw them away? I wouldn’t be upset of he had pictures of his Ex’s, but what do I do? I want to give this relationship its best shot, but what if it doesn’t work out? A little advice would be great!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    This is a tough one, because there really is no right or wrong answer. What does your heart tell you? Do you feel you want to keep these, and you want him to understand and respect that? Or do you feel it’s not as important to you as catering to his wishes (and possibly fears and insecurities)?

  • Marajane_

    I don’t even know what I want to say to write it… I just want to be able to say hello and good bye if I see him in public I guess I just miss him being apart of my life. I hate that he hates me.. I know why he hates me. It’s because he just wanted to be friends and I always wanted more so I would get angry and argue all the time and I couldn’t accept the fact that he has moved onto someone knew. I am ready to be just his friend but is it too late?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It’s never too late, but I suspect it may be too soon. It seems you still have strong feelings for him. Are you sure what you want is his friendship, and not something more?

  • pei

    we do share the same situation. My ex and I just broke up only half month ago. He broke up with me and told me it’s only temporary so he can fix things up. He had an affair with other woman. He works in other country and i haven’t seen him for almost a year. What hurts most is that he is now with the girl he cheated on me. We’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and that makes it hard for me to let go and move on. It hurts to see him so over me, not undergoing this pain I’m feeling now. And it hurts to remember the words he told me a week ago that he still loves me and even fix things with me and the next day telling me he don’t remember anything and he already forgot our past. I actually also had the thought of ending my life. For 5 years I believed that we will be married soon. And he actually worked overseas to save money for our married life. But everything he did to me lately is really painful and I don’t know how to start my life. I want to forget him and erase all the memories we shared. All of the listed above are the pointers I need to do but it’s really hard to start. I feel so broken now that he’s gone. We haven’t talked personally since the second break up and he doesn’t want to see me if he comes home this year. I developed this hatred towards him so I can stop thinking over the happy moments we shared and how much I wanted to get him back. I hope to move on soon so I can be able to live my life again normally.

  • Priyankadhawan82

    its really nice… hope it will help the ppl who have been fooled by some extra talented nd available for all types…. 

  • Tamyka

    This was amazing! Thank you so much, you should be so proud of yourself. 

  • Tamyka

    This was amazing! Thank you so much, you should be so proud of yourself. 

  • http://twitter.com/TommyMaverickIV Tommy Maverick

    I actually came across this blog post on my ex’s Twitter. haha We’re like pretty good friends at the moment, and I mean… This is all very important. We’ve had a lot of crazy issues (mostly my fault) and I have finally realized that we both have to really let go of the past if we plan to be happy, whether that’s together or with someone else. These are some great steps right here… And they totally work! :) I feel much happier about myself recently!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s pretty ironic! (About where you saw this.) I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • B12Yankee

    I can relate to what you are feeling.  You have more than you think.  I came to the point where I needed to free myself from the self inflicted pain, I deleted him from FB, e-mail and my phone.  The only person I was hurting was myself. 

    One night I wrote a letter saying everything I wanted to say, I wished him well and went outside and burned it.  It is very freeing to know that you have the power to stop it.  I love FB to keep in contact with friends and family and would not let him stop you from enjoying it. Delete him and block him, (who cares what he thinks of that) would you let him walk into your house with his new girlfriend?  Do I have random moments of looking back? Yes. The trick is take it for what it is and dont dwell. 

    He pretends to send texts to other friends and I get them “by mistake”.  I just delete them. 

    Our friends still try to get me into conversations about him and I refuse.  I just say that he is not part of my life.  I have deleted friends that will not respect my boundries on this. Im not angry I just refuse to dwell on someone that is not a part of my life.  Wish them well and set yourself free…….Good Luck

  • shanna 227

    My ex and I broke up like 6 months ago. We were together 4 years an we always break up for the same reason. Every time he meets someone new he always finds a problem in our relationship so he can go on to that person. He was talking to this girl while we were together an telling her our problems an she was telling him she can be better and so he wanted her. Since we broke up I told him to give me space to move on, he would do so for 3 days an start back calling an texting me. I wouldn’t respond and he would continue till he gets through. When we do talk it would be for long an we would hang out an stuff, then he would stop text me for a while an then start again just so or I would tell him I want my space. 

    Recently he and the girl fell out he came to me with his problem, I was there for him but I didn’t get involved cause I know this was just for a while and I would be treated bad after. He even asked me to get back but I said no. Apparently he and the girl got good again he stop call ans texting me. I told him is best we don’t talk at all cause I want to move on, he hasn’t text since but I can’t get him off my mind. Ever since we broke up though he’s always asking my cousin for me and about me. I’m fed up and want to move on. He is taking advantage of me and I can’t handle it anymore. I want to move on and wait for somebody who’s really for me and wouldn’t hurt me so bad. 

    I dont want to rush anything with any one. He does that every time we break up he rushes into something else with someone and they don’t last as long as 6 months. But what goes around comes around. I want some advice though.

  • ayan

    thanks it helped me tremendously

  • Konstantine1183

    Thanks for the Post Lori.  Five months have passed since I was dumped from a 4 year relationship.  I recently found out she has started dating her EX again.  The good old trick out of the hat from the EX.  On random days there are thoughts that go through my head about what I could have done different, but I do not regret anything I have done.  I accept that we were not on the same page at this time of our lives, but its not easy to forget memories from the past.  Reading your post just refreshed my memory on how to move forward and accept what I have now than what has past.  What are your thoughts on women that seem to run back to their ex after that long period of time?

  • sunny35555

    Very long post, I am sorry, but I wanted everyone to get a good idea of who I am and my journeys through relationships.  I hope it flows o.k., sometimes I have so much to say in writing that my thoughts are quicker than my writing.

    Hi, I been reading your blog and really enjoying all the advice you are giving everyone.Bear with me this is going to be a long post : ) I was in my first true relationship after a break-up with my 1st love.

    My relationship with my 1st love lasted about 6 years, but we still acted like a couple, until I moved away. My 1st love seemed to have dangled a carrot in front of my face for years after we broke up. He used to say all the time that he was single when it felt like we were together. It took me moving to another city a year after I graduated from college to realize that hey I am single.I did not realize it as soon as I moved either, it was about 8 -12 months later that I finally had a lightbulb go off while I was driving that said I am single woman again. Me and my ex are still good friends to this day, he helped me through a lot of rough times, and I will always love him for that. When me and my ex started dating I was 135 lbs, by the time we broke up I was about 200 lbs, but he always told me I was pretty. I also went through some major depression during my college years, probably about 2-3 years of my time in undergrad I was depressed and felt horrible about myself, he stood with me throught that time. He didn’t quite understand why I was going through so much horrible pain, but he was their for me anytime or anyday, did not matter what he was doing, he was always their for me, and he still is. My ex was my first love, I met him when I was in the sixth grade and he was in the eigthth grade, I think back to that time, and I was a lot more bold, confident and resisliant : ). We became friends and talked on the phone all the time. Eventually, I ended up moving and going to a different school. We still remained friends, but then he got a girlfriend that was in high school, when I was still in middle school. He called me up one day and told me that he could not talk to me anymore because he had a girlfriend now, and his girlfriend did not like us being friends because she knew that I liked him and he liked me too, but I could not date at the time so, he started going out with another girl. I was in my bed I think doing my homework when I recieved the phone call, but I don’t remember being mad or really sad, I went on with my life, like nothing happen. I am sure I was probably a little disappointed, he was my first crush, and the first guy I had ever thought was the greatest looking guy ever lol : ). But no tears or outburst or feeling my life was over, none of that. So, after that we did not talk until my senior year of high school when he had broke up with the girl he stop talking to me for. He ended up seeing my friend at a festival in town and he asked her for my phone number, and she gave it to him. Well, when we finally talked, we were both so excited to here from each other, and from that point on we were inseperable. I was 17 years old then. So, I know everyone is wondering why we broke up, well he broke up with me because he felt like I had more loyalties toward my friend he did not like. During the course of our relationship he probably broke up with me about 3 times, the third time being the last time. The first breakup we had almost killed me, but as he kept on threatening the breakups, the pain got less and less, but I would be the first to say I felt like he was half of me, like we both made me whole, without him I would die. I never brokeup with him though, I always thought that people are human, people make mistakes, and everyone deserves second chances and to be forgiven. We all come with flaws, so I never threaten to break up with him, I truly loved him, the good, bad and the ugly. I loved that man and I thought that was who I would spend the rest of my life with. Anyways, but someone continuing to breakup with you after so many years gets old. So, finally accepted the break up probably about 6 months -1 year later after we had broken up, and like I said I was living in another city then. But we were still friends. Anyways, I tried dating and talking to a few other guys when I lived away from home, but none had that spark I was looking for, and when I would go out on dates they would bore me, many times I did not even want to be their. The guy I really came to like when I was there, liked someone else which was a entire different story within itself, that was a challenging situation, because I am the type of person that will sweat blood and tears to get what i want in life including the guy, I have found out that that works in your career,but doesnt work with people, so it was a lot of let down.

    Well, eventually, I moved back to my hometown single. Me and my ex were still friends, but know the tables were flipped because he was trying to still act like a couple, and i have no desire to be in a relationship with him anymore, this has been a 10 year journey for my ex and I know. So, 10 years later, after moving away from home and moving back home, I do not have any desire to be with him romantically. I can not picture marrying him, having children with him, nothing like that. I like being his friend though and I care about our friendship, I do not want to hurt him in anyway at all.

    Okay, now lets talk about my most recent relationship, I had to give you the back story, so you all could try to understand me as best as possible. I am not at all a relationship hopper, but I probably do have attachment issues.

    Well, about 6 months after I moved back home, happily embracing my single life. A guy at chruch gave me his phone number. He was an older man (18 yrs) older than me and a different culture ( I am black he is white). He seemed very sweet in the beginning, but he moved very fast. I am sorta a slow paced girl, so at the time it felt like he was running and I was trying to keep up. Anyways, he told me he wanted to marry me, he gave me a key to his house, he told me anything I wanted I could have because I had got him out of a deep dark hole in his life. He told me that he had been praying for someone like me, he told me he cried over his Bible because he was so happy that God had sent me to him. I thought that was all very sweet, and I really liked him too, even before he had said all of that stuff, but once he said it, I was in love with him. So, we told each other we loved each other very much. Okay, but this guy also came with some major character flaws, had did some crazy crazy things in his past, so it was a challenge. I did not judge him though. He could be very mean at times, put me down, make me feel basically worthless, but other times he could make me feel like I was the luckiest girl alive. Also, we both had been in similar long term relationships, and we were both trying to move on from them. So, he hated is ex, and I did not hate mine. but I would encourage him to let go of that hate because they did build so much together, she helped him raise his son. Anyways, he would always reassure me that everything was okay, and to overlook his grumpiness because he was just old. Well, like I said the relationship moved pretty fast, and it seemed like I was always trying to play catch up, so when i finally really started becoming comfortable with him, he basically started dating someone  else. I did not find this out with him coming to me saying I don’t think it is going to work out. I went to his house on Father’s day to take him a cake and his gift and found another car there and found some other woman clothes there. ( my neck and shoulders are tensing up as I am writing this). Anyways, it start going  downhill from that moment. I spent from June 2011 -Feb 2012 crying, depressed, and wishing I was dead, cursing God, and asking what did I do to deserve such treatment. I have been in counseling since september, I have spoken to my priest 3 times about it. I actually went to confession the other day. I feel like a new woman, a different woman after this experience. I still talk to him though from time to time. To keep myself from thinking to harsh of thoughts about him, I say to myself he is trying to find happiness just like me. I have learned a lot, but I stil have hateful thoughts about him sometimes, and I sometimes wish something bad will come to him where he needs me. I know that isn’t right to think those things about him. i don’t feel that I got the correct closure to this situation. Everytime I have suggested that we meet up and talk, he says he is busy or he will have to see. I say to myself, such great treatment to the one who got who out of a dark place in your life. I thought about writing him a letter and sending him his ipod back that he gave me and his business  card with his name and address on it that he gave me to call him. I think that will be the final closure I need to let go and move on. I don’t want to make him feel bad or anything, I just need to let him know how I felt and what I went through, and where I am at right now. I still care about him and love him and i am thankful for the fun experience. but, i think that will give me peace. i am a very expressive person when it comes to my feelings and sharing them. I have developed muscle knots in my neck and shoulders because of this situation. My counselor said it was like a PTSD I went through with getting over him. I just stop having nightmares about the situation in Feb. It hurt me very deeply, but I am healing. I ask my priest about ways of forgiving, and he told me to pray to look at him and see him as God sees him. I have finished reading a book by the Dahli Lama, which was talking about love in general, how we shoulod love everybody including our enemies as we love our best friends or our mothers. So his words have given me comfort, I am know reading a book called the seat of the soul by gary zukav. I am working on my Master’s in Psychology, because i want to become a therapist (family and marriage therapist) I learn more and more about myself through all of the research I do . So, it has also helped my healing process.  Anyways, So please let me know what you all think of me writing the letter. I just want to be able to completely forgive him and let go. I know God has great things in store for me, but I know I haven’t fully forgiving this guy and usually I am the queen of forgiveness. So, this has been the toughest challenge, and he has apologized many times, but I don’t think they are sincere. I do not even consider us friends because friends care about each other, and he does not care about me because if he did he would not have let me go through the suffering i went through, and he knows I suffered. but he might was not capable of being the friend i needed him to be at that time. I also feel as though he needs me in his like more than i need him in mind. he is a perfectionist on the outside, everything has to be in order on his outside environment, everything nice and neat in its place, but internally he is a freaking chaotic mess, more chaotic than my purse. He seems to be going through life aimlessly, just wondering, no rhyme or reason. He also seems to be holding on to his youth. The new girl in his life is younger than me and I am 28, i think she is 23 or 24, i don’t know. but she has done somethings to him that could have gotten him put in jail. I worry that if he doesnt change his ways someone is really going to take advantage of him, and it is going to cost him too much money. He has 1 son that is as sweet as can be, and with every decision that he makes in life, he needs to think of his son as well, because with him getting involved with the wrong type of people and being manipulated, some horrible things can happen to him that would affect his son. So, as you can see that I truly care for this individual, even if we are never together again. I don’t want him to drive off a cliff, it is like he is blind, he can not recognize good, or he enjoys suffering.  in relationships. As you can see there is a lot going on with this gentleman. This is when i feel compassion for him. Anyways, this would be entailed into the letter, but I would also stop talking to him after I send letter. I would let him know that if he ever needed me I am there for him, but it is no reason that we should talk daily or even weekly or even monthly, just for idle chat, because that upsets me, because I am not completely healed. One good thing that did come from this is he is receiving counseling now, I told him back in january that i was in counseling. He recognized he needs it. So, now all I can do is pray for him after letter is sent.

    As you can see from this letter I go through so many emotions concerning him. I don’t want my health to deterioate anymore from this situation, but I don’t want him to continue to go through life suffering either. I feel as the letter will plant a seed, and maybe one day he will reflect on it, or maybe not, i don’t know, but what I do know by sending the letter and expressing to him what I see going on with him and my journey through meeting him, is that I have done everything in my power, and to continue to pray for him to receive light into his life, but the universe will unfold the rest for it. Hopefully my prayers receive him, because he has had one heck of a life, he could right a best seller, but you should grow from those experiences not continue repeating them. So, I guess sending the letter will give me closure and the peace i desire, i am also sending the ipod back, because i do not need anything to remind me of him. I am also going to send him back his business card I held to so tightly, i carry it in my purse with me. I feel that by doing this it will be letting go in a positive way of all hope I had for our relationship. I have to relinquish control, and let God do the driving, if we are supposed to be togehter we will or if me and my  1st love should be together we will, or maybe their is someone new I supposed to be with, i don’t know or maybe I will be devoted to my career and my friends and my dogs. All I know whatever it  is I will be happy because I know one thing for sure my soul and God will always be with me, and as long as I recognize that and keep that at the fore front of my mind I will always be happy. I am tired of guiding, I am going to let the universe be my guiding force.

    Other info for people into astrology:

    I am a Leo, moon sign is a sagitarrius, and my rising sign is cancer
    The Ex that shattered me is a Cancer ( can you believe that) but I think I might have hurt his feelings and did not realize it and this is how he retaliated. They are very sensitive. I know because it is my rising sign, but I don’t go after peoples jugulars, even if I wanted too. They can also be very codependent
    My first love is A Taurus: stubborn, control freaks, but very loyal. : )
     
    Psychologically:
     I am a ENFP personality type. People who would like to find out their personality type just google Carl Jung personality test. I would advice you to go to similiar minds or the personality page take test and read descriptions.

    My personaltity type is very happy go lucky, non judging, accept people for who they are. Like to experience the many depths of human emotions. They say we don’t usually complete tasks that we start, but I do, I think that has to do with how i was raised, because i was never allowed to quit anything. Also, this personality type can hold on to bad relationships, and we are also sort of perfectionist in a different way. We blame ourselves if a relationship could not work or was not able to be fixed. Very free spirited people. : ) Very emotional, and are able to feel other people emotions which make us prone to muscle spasms and body aches.

    Google blog things to learn more about your personality as well.

    Also, my friend has these crystal tarot cards and I pulled 3 of the cards concentrating on my most recent ex’s name and the first card I pulled basically said that there was a light in me that God wanted it to shine. The second card said my life was going through seasons, and the 3rd card said forgiveness, so I am trying to work on the third one, it said release it and let it go. This was back in January. So, I am hoping this letter put me to ease. I was also thinking about putting a release letter of all the pain and hurt and resentment into a balloon and letting it float away. : )

    Sorry my blog was so long, please let me know what you all think.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m sorry to hear about the pain he has caused you. It sounds like you know what you need to do for you: move on, and take space before seeing someone else. Considering how he has treated you, that sounds like a smart idea! I know it’s probably not easy after being together for four years, but you deserve so much better than that.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Konstantine. In answer to your question, I think people go back to their exes for different reasons, so it’s tough to offer a universal answer. It sounds like you’re in a great mental place, despite having been hurt.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    This was indeed long, and to be honest, I haven’t finished reading it yet! Could you perhaps clarify your question: What do we think about what?

    Thanks,
    Lori

  • shanna227

    yea i do know what to do but of lately im starting to miss him a whole lot but  i think its because he keeps askin my cousin about me an he tells her that he misses me. im confused

  • Patricia

    Hi Lori,

    Thank you for this article. I’m sure I will be referring to it often in the upcoming months. My college sweetheart, who I have dated for the past five years, and I decided mutually to break up a little less than two weeks ago. Although we had our arguments, we had a really respectful relationship and if our paths weren’t so different I really believe we would have had a very happy life together. After college he struggled to find work and eventually moved to another country. We had a long distance relationship for a year and only saw each other for one week during that time. He finally came home and we had four wonderful months together. He still couldn’t find work, so he moved back to the other country. He has a job he loves there and is able to live on his own and be independent. He thinks he will be there two to three years and a long distance relationship of that length seemed too daunting to both of us. I contemplate changing my career path for him everyday and moving to be with him, but I have an excellent job and was recently admitted to a prestigious graduate school, which I plan to attend in the fall. Although I know he would love it if I were in the same city as him, he is so proud of me and would never want me to give up my dreams for him. I think he would lose respect for me as well. It’s really difficult to have closure in this situation. I find myself day dreaming about three years from now and him coming home. I know I can’t live my life like this and need to move on and focus on the life I currently have. We have decided to have a short time period of no contact so that we can move on. I hate losing my best friend and love of life all at once.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Patricia. I can understand why it’s hard to get closure, since it’s really just geography that led to your split. I think it’s great you both want to support each other to live the lives you dream about. If it weren’t this way, one of you might end up getting resentful. I’m sure it will take time to really work through your feelings about the split, since it just happened so soon. I hope you have friends and family there to offer support!

  • J_Fallen

    Hey Lori - 
    My relationship ended around Christmas of 2010. Its clearly been over a year now, and I’ve gone through many of the stages you mention above. I feel like I’ve reconnected with my own self and my own friends and passions – I feel happy! There is just one thing I can’t quite figure out…I still think about “him” all the time. Its not in a longing or reminiscent way, its not in a angry or hurt way….as of late its turned into frustration with my self for my thoughts constantly wandering back to him. It is the weirdest thing for me that I can’t seem to gain control over. Any advice or thoughts on why I can’t get him out of my head would be most helpful! It is driving me crazy….

  • sunny35555

    I just wanted to know if I should write him a letter, letting him know how I felt about everything, and send him back his ipod that he bought me as a gift. I thimk he gave it to me under false impressions.

    I did end up seeing him yesterday, by  accident, he saw me as I was going to a store, and turned around to talk to me. I did not get to express all my feelings though and my concerns about him.

    Since I wrote this post, I also ended up seeing a interview with Taylor Armstrong, on Dr. Drew, and she said that she was a Love Addict. I looked it up, and both me and the recent ex both have signs of it. So, basically, I am concerned for his well being and I wanted to write him a letter expressing concern and maybe send back ipod. I think this will also give me the closure I need to forgive and completely move on? So do you think this is a good idea.

    Sorry for such long post, I just wanted to explain my love history. This guy I am asking about now has been my second boyfriend since I have been grown. I have had 2 totally different experiences.

  • aguilar

    My boyfriend just broke up with me this Monday on the 19 , we have a son that is 1 and i think I’m pregnant . we been together for 3 years and 2 months. i like your post but is so hard to let go. i feel like i will never find someone and be love again. It hurts so much because he said that he will never want to be with me again. we broke up because we were always fighting so he says that nothing will ever change .

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    It sounds like you’re in a great place. That’s awesome! My advice is to think less about controlling your thoughts, and more about observing them. If you tell yourself not to think about him, it will be even harder (sort of like if I said, “Whatever you do, don’t think of elephants!” What is the one thing you can’t help thinking about?)

    Think about becoming aware of when you think about him, so you can notice it without judging it. This will actually take power away from those thoughts, so that over time they are less frequent, and they bother you less.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It sounds like writing him a letter would allow you to feel some closure, and it would also give you an opportunity to express your concerns for him. If you think this will help you heal and move on, I say go for it. You may find that after you write it, you don’t feel the need to send it. Sometimes just clarifying our thoughts can make a big difference!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break up. I’m sure the feelings are magnified because you have a child and you may be pregnant. I know this is easier said than done, but it might help to focus on healing from this relationship, instead of worrying about the next. That’s a lot of pressure to take on all at once! If you let yourself heal, there is no reason why you can’t know love again.

  • sunny35555

    Thanks so much for your advice, by the way I absolutely love this website.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • Benjifrank115

    hi there.. my name is Rhon and at this point in my life im just living to suffer, i’ve been with my ex girlfriend for about 4yrs we been threw thick and thin , good and bad .. we broke up about like 5 to 6 months now.. she had lied to me so i got mad an jealous because she was hanging out wid some other guys when she told me she wouldnt hang out wid no guys i didnt know of hers.. so i got mad and really felt hurt deep inside i felt like i been crushed like a coca cola can .. ;[ , so i told her to get out of my life and leave me alone but that was just the angry side of me talking she knew that i really didnt mean that i would say stupid things when im mad with out thinking first.. so i ignored her for about 2 to 3 weeks i was angry but i wanted her so bad , she would blow up my cell phone my house phone and even my lil brothers and moms cell phone to try to talk to me but i would just not pick up or just hang up the phone each time my lil brother or mom would pass me the phone.. i dont know why i did that ;[ because then she got with another guy and till this day she is still wid him ;[ and now shes 4 months pregnant … so that means she got pregnant after atleast a month or 2 after we broke up from a 4yr relationship ;[ ;[ ;[  how could she do that to me ??? and move on so quickk after everything we had together ???? at some point sometimes i feel like suiciding my self i cant get over the news ;[ ;[ all i do is think about here every single day that passes by i been stressing for 4 5months now not talking to anyone i got lost from everyone i dont talk to nobody i dont do anything i feel like im stuck ;[ ;[ i have never fallen in love b4 and im 24yrs old and look what happend to me , i dont know what to do i need help i cant get her out my head, im going insane ;[ ;[

  • Anthony

    I wasn’t married to anybody or anything like that but I was dating someone right out of my senior year or highschool that I dated briefly when I was a sophmore. And it didn’t end to well the first time and I dated a few other people for the rest of my hs and the whole time I was wishing I was still with her and when I finally got the chance again I completely fell for her told her everything she asked with out any sort of restraint, all of my likes, wants, needs, strenghts,weaknesses, hopes, and mistakes. Anything she asked I told her honestly. And we dated for 2 months and it was one of the happiest times of my life, I was eating ans sleeping on a regular basis and I let her know how happy she made me, and 1 day she told me she loved me and my heart skipped a beat I was soo full of joy. Then out of the blue all of a sudden she didn’t want to see me anymore or talk to me. Its been several months since she broke my heart into more than a million pieces and I still wish I was with her. But hopefully this will help me learn to let go of the regret I had of losing her TWICE!! Thank you for puttion this up for what seams like me.

  • Kamille jasmin

    I learned this day that my ex-bf just got married recently. It was so painful because we’re still okay last year. I thought that we would still end up together. But I was so shocked when he told me that he is laready married. he wanted us to see each other because I had so many questions.. I am hurt, really… I still love him… :((

  • Luke Moffat

    It doesn’t matter how much I try this, I just can’t move on :(

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    First I need to ask: Are you feeling like harming yourself now? It sounds to me like you may need some serious help, not just in getting over this relationship, but also for your own emotional well-being. There’s no doubt that this is a tough time in your life–and I totally understand why you’d feel hurt and stuck. But it won’t always be this way. It will get easier–and more quickly if you let people help you. Is there any you trust who you can talk to this about, so you don’t feel so lost from everyone?

    Lori

  • Caz

    iv been split with my ex now 9 months and although its becoming alot easier i have my days when i go back to the first steps of the grieving process….just not that intense though,i also have those romanticized memories of how we fell in love and how beautiful it was between us untill all the problems started from me and him…im in a different place  now mentally and im receiving counselling on a regular basis which i think is helping me i miss him still and have alot of regrets but deep down i know me and him werent suitable for each other and i really feel like this has been one of those valuable life lessons where you change dramatically so im definitely going through some sort of transformation for the better….the one thing i do get scared of is will anybody else ever make me feel the love i felt for him ?? is that stupid to think like that ?? maybe it is …..but all in all reading blogs like this are truly inspiring and empowering and when reinforced can make a difference.

  • Benjifrank115

    yeah i do sometimes i just want to end my misery at points, but i just dont do it because i think about my mom and lil brother, and i do not want to hurt them at all.. but i know i wouldnt do it but sure will like if it just happend so i wont feel this pain and suffering i been going threw ;[ and no i do not i got lost in touch wid everyone i even left my house 4months and im just not the same person i was b4, i used to have pride and didnt let nothing ever put me down always had my head up high untill i fell inlove with my ex, in the beggining i really didnt feel nothing for her but by time lil by lil i started to like her more and more everyday until i actually felt some weird gut feling inside of me like i never felt before i told her i love her. i still do but i only love the memories we had together all nights we slept together and every mornings i would wake up to the most beautifulest girl that has been a part of my life my oher half ;[ ;[ i hate when i think of her cause i cry and cry and cry i try not to think of her and do something that would take my mind off of her but its hard for me.. but your right i gotta LOVE MY SELF.. i just wish it was easy for me as it is for her just to forget and move on very quickly to somebody else and even telling them i love them and crying for them .. ;[ ;[ hopefully time will tell

  • Benjifrank115

    yeah i do sometimes i just want to end my misery at points, but i just dont do it because i think about my mom and lil brother, and i do not want to hurt them at all.. but i know i wouldnt do it but sure will like if it just happend so i wont feel this pain and suffering i been going threw ;[ and no i do not i got lost in touch wid everyone i even left my house 4months and im just not the same person i was b4, i used to have pride and didnt let nothing ever put me down always had my head up high untill i fell inlove with my ex, in the beggining i really didnt feel nothing for her but by time lil by lil i started to like her more and more everyday until i actually felt some weird gut feling inside of me like i never felt before i told her i love her. i still do but i only love the memories we had together all nights we slept together and every mornings i would wake up to the most beautifulest girl that has been a part of my life my oher half ;[ ;[ i hate when i think of her cause i cry and cry and cry i try not to think of her and do something that would take my mind off of her but its hard for me.. but your right i gotta LOVE MY SELF.. i just wish it was easy for me as it is for her just to forget and move on very quickly to somebody else and even telling them i love them and crying for them .. ;[ ;[ hopefully time will tell

  • Kelly

    I just recently ended a 4 1/2 years relationship.  We had so many problems in the relationship, but no matter what always gave him chances and hold on to give.  It get to the point where it hurts so bad to hold on to him.  What hurt most is that he said he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.  We ended this relationship in bad terms.  he said so many hurtful things to me when he was mad.  I have never regret dating him but he said that it gets to the point where he wonder why he asked me out.  I feel like I have been dating an immature guy who doesn’t think about the future.  But no matter what happened I still holding on and it hurt so bad. I honestly don’t know what to do. 

  • DmG1989

    Hi Lori,

    My ex-girlfriend of 2 years split with me just over 2 weeks ago. She split with me via text message and deleted me off facebook. This made me angry. My girlfriend had a daughter from a previous relationship who was 1 when I met her, I treated her like my own daughter for 2 years and now I’m not allowed any contact at all. 

    I am not sure of the reason we split up, I had moved to a new city for an education, I was returning every weekend to see her and her daughter. I hadn’t seen my dad, brother and sisters for 6 months since starting college. This was never enough, and I felt like every day I was being asked to change, she never compromised on anything. About 4 weeks before the split her mum accused me of cheating whilst being at college. I never had and never will cheat on her or anyone. However hard I tried to explain to her that nothing was happening she wouldn’t believe me. Her mother played her against me, this led to her developing other issues with me.

    Right now I have no idea what to do. I am heartbroken and struggling to eat, sleep and talk. I am slipping behind on college education and finding it hard to speak to my family again. It feels like I have lost a daughter as well as a girlfriend and I am not sure what to do.

    The last time I saw them both was on my birthday, I still haven’t been given an explanation as to why we have split. I have tried to contact her but she send abusive texts messages back and wont answer her phone when I phone her.

    I am really struggling to let go of her, and sadder still, let go of her daughter. I know we will never get back together again, it hurts to admit that. She has stopped loving me. 

    The knock on effects this has had on me is the overall feeling of uselessness I feel now. I dedicated myself to be a father figure for the last 2 years, now that has gone I feel like a pointless person. This has come at a time where I have other issues in my life, having just found out that my estranged mother (she abandoned me 8 years ago) is alive after believing for 3 years that she was dead. An ex-partner of mine told me 2 days ago that they have been diagnosed with brain cancer. 

    I am really not sure what to do and have considered ending it all on numerous occasions in the last 2 weeks.

    I am asking for any help or advice you can offer me.

    Thank you in advance

  • Nelsi

    It’s been 7 months since the break up and it was really painful. Yesterday I found out that he’s already in relationship with someone else, strange thing is, I still feel pain in my chest when I knew about it. Why does it take a long time to recover? How can I have a little patience with myself when I still think about him every day? In the past, I always needed a guy to make me whole and I would give everything, but when it was over I was doomed. But it’s a blessing in disguise, after the break up I try meditation, change my job, got new friends, and I feel a lot better but somehow the pain is still there. What should I do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It’s not stupid Caz. I think it’s normal to fear the unknown, and the reality is we never know what the future holds. I can say this though: with an empowered, positive attitude like you’ve described here, I think you’re in a great place to eventually enter a healthy, loving relationship again!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you are staying strong, even if it’s largely because of the people who love you. Lean on them now! I guarantee you, the pain will fade with time, and you will eventually feel better and love again. When that happens, you will be so proud of yourself for growing through this experience–and when you’re in your next relationship, you’ll likely be amazed by the depth of love you feel for someone else. If you start thinking about ending your life, please tell someone you trust, or call a professional to talk things through. http://suicidehotlines.com/ I know it may seem like a cheesy suggestion, but I am worried for you, and I want to do everything I can to make sure you are safe!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m sorry to hear about your break up Kelly. It sounds like you knew in your heart the relationship wasn’t right, but it was hard to let go because you were attached. Maybe you don’t need to know what to do right now–maybe you don’t need to do anything but feel your feelings, work through them, and heal. I know that’s far easier said than done, but usually the only way out is through. I hope you’re leaning on the people in your life who love you. People care, and they want to help.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I am so sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. It sounds like you’re dealing with a tremendous amount of loss and shock, and I imagine it may feel overwhelming.

    Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through your feelings about all of this? I am a firm believer in the benefits of therapy, as it provides an outlet for you to explore your feelings and empower yourself while dealing with difficult circumstances. It helped me stop feeling like a victim and start seeing myself as someone who was growing, making progress, and capable of eventually making a positive difference in the world. It might be just what you need to find a sense of clarity, balance, and purpose right now.

    If you’re not interested in doing that, I’d recommend leaning on the people who love you, and ramping up your spiritual practice, if you have one (whether that’s meditating or attending some type of religious services). This way you won’t feel like you’re carrying the burden of all of this alone–and you shouldn’t have to feel that way. There are people who love you. We are never alone.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It sounds like you’re making great progress, even if you still feel the pain. I think you should keep doing what you’re doing, and trust that just as you’ve made progress in your personal development, you will also make progress with your emotional healing. If you feel that you’d like to be more proactive, it might help to meet with a therapist so you can explore your feelings more closely. Sometimes it really helps to have an impartial listener!

  • Strevino9

    im stuck in that same situation :( if you can…contact me to strevino9@yahoo.com…i just can’t stop thinking of him…it’s been just a little over a year that we ended, but the memories haunt me, which then confuses me on whether i still love him or not…but i know full well that he’s not the guy for me, or at least i’ve convinced myself, we just had so many beautiful memories together that those are the ones that have stayed…we went through many many problems, and countless of arguments, but i don’t seem to think of those…i think of only the good ones…it drives me crazy!! it makes me wonder if he at least still thinks of us

  • Laosyde878

    Wow…

  • Canadian_travelbug

    Hi Lori.  I loved your article and found it really helpful.  I’m not sure “you will find someone when the time is right” is really as supportive as you intend it to be.  I’ve been divorced for 10 years (I’m now 39) and have heard that comment several times before.  Always from someone who is blissfully happy in their relationship.  I don’t think I would ever say that to another single person.  In the 10 years i”ve been divorced, I have dated fewer than 10 guys. I don’t drink much and dislike that whole “scene” which is typically associated with dating.  I’ve tried internet dating, but found out it wasn’t a mystery why those guys were still single!!  I was reading your article because I had a major crush on a male coworker.  My contract is ending soon, so I needed to know how he felt about me so I could choose the location of my next job appropriately.  Not only did he tell me he was dating someone 13 years younger than him, but he had no intentions of keeping in touch with me after I left  This is in spite of having an amazing relationship at work (with lots of banter and joking around).

    So how long do I have to wait until my time is right?  I miss having someone hold my hand or even give me a hug.  And unfortunately, that isn’t something you can do yourself, no matter how strong and well adjusted you are.  My family are on the other side of the world, but we never had a relationship that hugged anyway.  

  • Clueless

    Hi Lori,
    My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and I feel kind of lost. He told me that he wasn’t feeling the depth of connection that he thought he would be feeling at this point in our relationship and that it would be best for us to go our separate ways. All of my break-ups have always had a cause, and this one leaves me feeling like what is wrong with me for him to not care deeply for me? This is really hard for me to accept. Do you have any advice on how to handle this?

  • Hahnfrarms

    my boyfriend broke my heart was broken it has only been a few days but i don’t want him back i just want to think that i will find someone else any thoughts

  • Hahnfarms

    reply below not to my email please

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I understand how that may seem less than reassuring, especially when you’ve been married before, and you’ve been in the dating game for a decade now. You mentioned that you’ve tried online dating. Would you say you’ve spent a lot of these last 10 years searching for someone else? Or have you also had times when you’ve felt whole and complete, even without being in a relationship?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Clueless,

    I’m sorry to learn about your break up. I can understand that instinct to question yourself, since you feel like *you* are the cause. But perhaps there is another way to look at it. Perhaps he didn’t break up with you because there was something wrong with you (hence him not feeling more deeply) but because you two are simply not a good match. If that’s the case, his breaking up with you is ultimately a positive thing, because it frees you up to be with someone who *is* a good match–someone who will see you for all that you are, and feel the depth of love and connection that you deserve.

    I know it’s challenging not to take something like this personally, but perhaps you could see this as an opportunity to reaffirm your love for yourself, whether he loves your or not.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry about your break up. If it’s only been a few days, you likely need a little time to heal before you think about another relationship. Right now, you probably feel like there’s a void inside you. It’s far healthier to enter a new relationship when you feel whole again, so that it’s not about making the pain go away; it’s about appreciating someone else for who they are and coming together as two complete people.

  • Benjifrank115

    i think i can handle my self but i dont understand why is it so hard for me to just forget, even if i wanted to i just wouldnt be able too because no matter what the girl of dreams came true and now i realize that she’s gone no more longer around my arms ;[ ;[ all these memories inside of my head has me going crazy everyday it comes and it go’s, i sware sometimes i think the devil be talking to me inside my head making me feel all this anger inside but i dont let it get to me because i cant blame anybody i cant have no guilt , as strong i been trying to stay and be my weakness is always around the corner it comes out of no where .. everytime it does i start to stress really hard and start to cry ;[ ;[ too all you guys out there if you have a girl that you love truly keep her happy and treat her like a queen all royalty.. if i can go back in the past and change the mistake ive done by ignoring my one and only true love she would b here right now beside me ;[ ;[ .. memories kill slowly ;[ ;[

  • Maz

    Hey. I would say end it now. Yes, it may seem like you’re throwing away an opportunity of a wonderful relationship, but I know from experience – if he feels threatened by something as small as pictures and would threaten you with breakup over them, when they are a part of YOUR LIFE, he doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life. He is a control freak. Today, it will be the pictures. Tomorrow, it will be something else. Will he be threatened by your male friends, too? With my partner, it was my religion first, my charity work, english lit and weight later that he taunted me about. Oh, and another thing: this may not apply to you, but I have school ball and old birthday photos with ex boyfriends in them. If a partner ever suggested I got rid of something as precious as my ball photos for a reason like that, I’d murder him. Seriously.

  • Lboogie

    I have been holding on to my children’s dad for 10yrs now off and on. I keep hoping he’ll give us structure(family) but he’s in and out and I feel so stupid and hopeless because I want my children happy.. I’ve realized im hurting myself trying to please my kids:(

  • sunny35555

    I know I talk a lot in person. The computer is so not a personal means of communication, so I just try to paint a good description of myself the best way I can. I am very much into astrology and I am getting my Master’s in Psychology, to pursue counseling. So, what can I say. You should look up my personality type, I am like burst of happiness and sunshine : ) LOL, but my downside is I am very emotional.

  • Hein7261

    Hi,

    I just got out of my relationship a week ago. My boyfriend and I were together for about 7 mo… The last month it seemed like everything completely changed. He started a job working graveyards and we saw eachother less and less eventhough at the beginning of this job he made time for us. We’re in a hard situation both having to move back in with our parents not making a lot of money but he always made me feel and told me so that we can work through all this because we really love one another. I don’t get how everything changed and when I brought it up to his attention a couple times we finally decided to part but he then called
    Me a few days later and said he doesnt know if he is depressed but he doesn’t know who he is. Then gives me options for us to work out but the only option I had was breaking up or him and I getting our life together then revisiting the relationship. I said you don’t just quit relationships when times get tough and get back when there better. That’s not a relationship… So he told me to think about it and I did but I told him sure I can say that we can revisit the relationship 6+ months from now( that’s his time frame minimum) but for myself I said I have to move forward and so do you. Then he agreed and conpletlwy cut me out of his life. I haven’t contacted him I’m just confused.
    My family thinks he doesn’t want this relationship anymore and couldn’t say so, so he said things that seemed nice and hopeful but if that’s the case why did he call me and say all the stuff about me being in his life. I don’t get it and I am trying to move forward but I keep replaying things I did in my head that may be why he is this way but in my heart that’s not fair. I was only guilty of wanting to spend more time with him all we had was once a week and the communication was dwindling also. I’m just stuck in this pain and feelings.

    Lynn

  • Rc_blades

    You are full of much wisdom. Six months she left me, I think about her and her daughter everyday. I met her when she was pregnant, raised the baby as my own. She left after two years for space, but promised we would work on our relationship. That it was not over. Spent the next six months with her calling me, then breaking it off again, and then calling every few months “missing me”. I saw this as her “coming to her senses”, but each time within just a few weeks she would push me away again. It’s left me with no closure, not sure how she old love me so passionately one moment, and done with me the next. I even took her back after she met another man, she told me the only reason she did that was to get over me, but it didn’t work. She said it just made her wish he was me… She told me this, and even called a friend of mine and pleaded with him that she really loved me and admitted she messed up. I took her back, only for her to tell me ” I just can’t do this anymore”. I told her that’s it, never call me again, ever. That was just about six months ago, and guess what, she hasn’t called me. (I really thought she would have by now). But the real problem I’m finding out is why can’t I move on without her??? What is the problem with me, that I see her as the only girl or me. I really, truly love her! She was my best friend, my lover, my companion. I am at a point right now where I would be so pissed if she called me, because I know I’m bing used, but I also wishes she would call me because I truly love her and miss her. Now that’s a living hell that I have allowed myself to be in.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think it’s always so much harder when there’s a child involved. It’s not just losing a relationship; it feels like losing a family. I think it’s great you were able to cut off ties with her, even though it still feels so hard. That conflicted feeling is totally normal, but it will fade with time!

  • Heartbroken

    Hi, thanks, any ideas how I can deal with the negative thoughts about her moving on with somebody else which tend to bother me ? - I know she is hurting as well, but before deleting her from facebook, I saw her status and it seems she is handling this better than I am and I guess that sorta bothers me as well, dont know why. I guess I am feeling insecure, but with time the intesity of these feelings have gone down.
    Some other thoughts are sometimes I feel better, but then when I get down, its such a stronger sad and down feeling than before I was feeling better? Like a roller coaster   

  • Rachel

    I feel your pain… I have a 6 year old, we have been together for a total of 9a years. Off and on… we just got back together in october from being apart and dating others for a total of 9 months. We got back together once for 2you weeks and I went back to the guy I was dating who lived with me and his daughter. He was engaged to a girl and living with her after 2 mo. Then we got back together for the 2 weeks and after a month he was living with another. Neither of us are proud of our decisions apart and were I guess both somewhat miserable… but we have a child together. Which throws a whole lot more in there. We both hurt each other tremendously throughout our entire relationship and regret hurting one another… Now im doing it again in my head!!! I know he isn’t happy with me cause he complains to me and I understand cause when this happens I have such mood swings. I never want anything sexual unless drinking is involved and I can’t become an alcoholic. Now I know I have issues with being alone that’s obvious. I’ve been on my own since 17 and lived and took care of everything with a man every since. Its stupid and I hate it and wont continue it again. Now I have emma so it just isn’t possible or right. Can’t do it just like I can’t become an alcoholic. Im already talking to other guys the guy from before and another guy that’s always popping up out of the blue everytime I grow weak… which is just really weird… but I also hate myself for that all I want is to be happy have a happy daughter and love myself…. right now as far as relationships go I don’t want one…. its sad… mostly for my daughter then him but god its sad…. I feel so terrible and torn.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean. I think all breaks up involve that same type of emotional roller coaster. Perhaps it might help to form some type of mantra you can repeat when you start getting bogged down in negative thoughts. For example: “I’m letting go and wishing for both of our happiness.” This might help you resist the urge to compare how quickly you’re moving on, because the goal is for *both* of you to heal. And of course, it would help to meditate or practice deep breathing if you don’t already. It really works wonders in creating mental clarity!

  • Rachel

    Lori,

    Thank goodness for your page….. It popped up at just the right time! I need some advice if you have any at all that may help I feel im getting closer to done again but this time alone with no relationships for how ever long it takes…. I want to stop my circle of mistakes.. I just dont know… please let me know if you have any advice it would be most greatly appreciated

    Thank You!

  • unnamed

    Hi Lori,

    I have been trying to forget a guy that never loved me for almost seven years. Right from when I realized, I have always been trying so hard to get over him. I am 19 now, so I was very young when I first fell for him. Since then I have been through so many stages and emotions, I don’t even know how I feel at the moment. Whether I have any feelings for him or is it some sort of psychological problem? I still think about him everyday. It has affected me life so much, including my studies. I am going to try take your advice but I am not sure if it is going to work. Don’t take that personally, it’s just that nothing ever seem to work on me. Still I have to try. If you any more advice to give I will appreciate it a lot.

    Thank you very much!

  • Anna

    I have one thing that bugs me the chance most and its trust …. I want to trust again it kills me I feel ugly . I don’t know What to do anymore I try an try but uha its killing me every day. what and how do I get over this?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. How can I help? Do you have a specific question?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Why do you think you have these trust issues? Understanding that is the key to moving past them…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I know this might sounds overly simplified, but if you believe nothing will work, it’s highly unlikely anything will. So my question for you is this: Do you believe that you are capable of letting go, moving on, and being stronger and happier for having had this experience? Another question to consider: Do you fully want to get over him? You don’t need to answer these for me; they’re just for you.

    I can’t say whether or not you might have psychological problem, since I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know your background. But I can say this: It’s completely natural to deal with conflicting emotions in a situation like this–particularly when you first developed feelings at such a young age.

    It might help to write in a journal so that you can identify the types of things you think regularly, and then work on disputing the thoughts that keep you stuck. So if you start dwelling on your feelings for him and/or feelings of hopelessness (i.e.: “I don’t think I can get over him”) you could then dispute that by writing “I deserve to know love, and I can only do that if I let him go and open up to someone else.”

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Liza

    Thank you for your words Lori. I found them very empowering and they hit home, and have given me much to ponder. I have had a friend for almost 9 years and he has dangled carrots on occasion eluding to a relationship, then at times (most often) he has said he doesn’t know what he wants. When there’s added stress and a huge “need” he calls often and we hang out almost daily… but as things improve, I tend to go to the back burner and contact lessons – and I let myself go through this time and time again. He is a good person and has been there for me as a solid rock through some very sad and difficult times. But I “romanticize” things too much and keep the hope that one day he’ll pick me… dangerous mind frame to be in and I get that it’s not healthy for either of us and I need to step up to myself and break the pattern I’ve (we’ve) become very used to. Anyway, you give great insight and I am grateful to have come across this inspiring and wise piece – thanks again!

  • Forests2244

    Hi,

     

     I was with a
    woman for 5 years and she wanted to move back to her own country, i did so, but
    then after a couple of weeks found out she had met another man in the country
    we had left and was in heavy communication with him. Devastated, i confronted her and
    when i was away for a few days to think she left the apartment we had moved in to together.

     

    I
    found myself stranded in another country after moving all i had there, no
    friends, no contacts and no support. I got on with things and have had to cope
    with all this and i have done my best, but now i want to let go and move on as it’s
    caused me so much pain.

     

    She
    was selfish and only thought of herself and now i am wondering about being able
    to let go, move forward and to trust again it feels very hard.

     

    Thanks
    Steven 

  • Shelby D

    This article just saved my life. I was so eat up with guilt that I was ready to did. I typed in how to commit suicide but autocorrect wrote how to fix this. I read through the entire article and now I am sobbing. Thank you so much. I cannot express my graditude to you. You are a hero.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Liza. I’ve been there before, and I know easy it is to get stuck when you’re holding out hope in that way. I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome Shelby. I’m can’t express how thrilled I am that you found your way here instead of doing what you considered doing. Things will get better! I’m sending lots of love your way.

    Lori

  • Mcclure_kim

    Hi, thank u for the post. I recently left a boyfriend whom I have a 5 mo old baby with. He ruined my pregnancy and the beginning of my child’s life. He is a cheater and a liar. Thinks he is a player and slick. I was too smart for him. BUT yet I want him back and think of him constantly. It’s so cruel what I do to myself on a daily basis. We have to do the baby swap every 2 weeks and it’s so hard. It confuses me. I can’t seem to get over it because I have to deal with him for our babies sake. I’m struggling. I can’t figure out why I can’t move on. We separated jan 11th 2012- so its been almost 3 months. I’ll keep try

  • Cc King08

    Hi Lori,
      The relationship lasted from January 2010 to January 2012. She 4 years younger then I. When we met she was 16. It was literally a connection at first sight, love, instant bond. We slept with our feet touching on the same couch that night we met. She pursued me endlessly and I would not date her. I kept the lines of friendship open and we did start to hang out frequently. I was not down with getting involved with a younger person, that had a boyfriend when we met whom she left not long after we started hanging, she kept on my heels and the friendship grew and love blossomed. I worked odd jobs played music and she went to high school.
    We got together everyday. She would do whatever it took to hang out with me, and I was much more slack and less eager to go out to her house, which I was welcomed in. I tried to make it balanced though. In summer 2011 I kinda went wild, broke up with her instantly got with an amazing woman who was 4 years older then I was, and cut off contact with the loved one. I came back around a month later realized what I had done, and how I was in love with the girl I hurt so badly and contacted her again, to talk and possibly work things out.
    She painfully and grudgingly opened up to me. While I had been gone she had started a new relationship as well, and he was a cool guy. I was understanding of this seeing it as totally legit, yet still asked if she wanted to get back together and she said yes.
    We worked things out and got back into the groove of being together and comfortable with each other. She started college and ultimately broke it off with me. We still hung out for a long while after she ended it. She knew I wanted to get back together the whole time we were just trying to be friends.
    Finally she explodes at me for not getting over it and not moving on, even though I feel I was just going with my flow, and I find that she is hooking up with a guy she started hanging out with around the time of the break up.
    Pretty simple all and all. Pretty standard. I broke off all communication at last, and am feeling the openness and relief of not being involved for now.
    I still want to be involved with this person, despite the problems that presented themselves. That is life. We get over problems. I was hurt, I had hurt someone. I understand. So seeing the karma play out almost word for word every tit for every tat, I feel our spirits are at even odds.
    I pray for a possible future between us again, and I am still moving on and doing new things, being more like who I was before I met her and enjoying myself now, let her go and do the same. I have not started dating again yet even though she has.Yet there is still a ray of hope in my heart we connect again later on in life. Is that not letting go to have that hope or give mind to that possibility?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome. I know it must be even more difficult to move on when you have a child together–and a young baby at that. I’m glad my post helped!

  • confused

    Ehh…I moved 4 years ago because being in the same state was driving me nuts…we still talk on a regular an for the first time he is making a step to visit…I try to move on but its hard when he makes those possible comments, but I know he can’t commit….I love him so much, but I’m hurting on a daily holding onto broken promises…my 20s are as well flying away fast! I have done amazing things since I moved! I’m on both feet an stronger than I have ever been…..but him visiting is gonna put me to my knees….I sooo want him an I also so wish he would be a man an walk away if he isn’t gonna be up front an center….I can’t walk away of the possibilities if hes still there….I don’t know if this makes sense ! It sure is complicated! Its only as complicated as I make it but damn…he’s that good!

  • fefe

    Best way to move on is to harden your heart. I went through all these stages real quick, and took an attitude like oh well, he can go to hell. Sounds bitter, but it’s a necessary defense mechanism. The suffering, and pain people go through after a break-up is extremely unproductive even though it’sunderstandable. It’s ok to take an well eff you screw you attitude in life at times!!

  • Kbrooks32

    It’s only natural to think of the person if you spent a lot of time with them and had invested in being with them. Just make them happy thoughts of the past and look forward to having even better times with the next… There will be a next! It’s over for a reaon.

  • Kbrooks32

    I also wondered that same thing… Does it matter if he does? You’re not allowing yourself to move on…

  • s_bry

    I have read so many articles about moving on but I try everything they say but nothing works! Me and my ex broke up two weeks ago I think. After about 4 days he had already had someone new. We were best friends for years before we dated and I want to have that friendship at least, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I love him, still. I don’t want to but I do. I blame myself for everything, for not being good enough or not being what he wanted so he had to move on to the next girl. I know it isn’t really that way but I just can’t help but think like that. I don’t know what to do. I cry every day and night still, and nothing can ever help me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m sorry to hear about your break up. I can understand why you’d feel confused and   conflicted, especially since this just happened recently. I know this is easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself for this. If he was your best friend, but he cut you out of his life completely and started dating four days later, odds are there is/was something going on with him, not you. 

    You won’t always feel the pain you feel right now. You will cry at night for a while, maybe longer than you’d like, but eventually, you will start to heal. The pain will start to fade. It just takes time. My advice is to lean on the people who love you now. We’ve all been in this place before–you don’t need to go through this alone!

  • boothforbrennan

    Wow. Out of all the articles I’ve read this is the best so far. This post completely resonated with me since I feel like we share a similar story. I’m 24 and I met my first boyfriend when I was in college. At 18 it was my first relationship and 4 months ago he decided to break up with me. We were together for 6 years and went through a lot together. All those years we were together when my dad got cancer and died, my mom had to face a grueling legal battle, his dad left them for another woman, his first job, his first business and and now his very successful career. We went through all of that together but he told me that being in a relationship with me was so exhausting that he just wants out. That he doesn’t see a future with me anymore. I blame myself for all the things I’ve done wrong. And I wish that I could’ve done things differently. He’s a really kind and genuinely nice guy that my friends and family don’t even hate or have any ill feelings towards him. They even said it’s hard for them to just diss him to help me let go because he was truly a nice guy. With that, it’s so hard to overcome all that regret. He was such a great guy and even the people around me still affirm that.That’s what makes it hard to let go.  

    I chased him for 4 months and it got really bad at the end because it felt like I was forcing something that clearly wasn’t there anymore. But I kept on anyway since I couldn’t believe that all that history could be thrown away that easily. I struggled to hold on to him and it got so bad I told him I wanted to kill myself because I can’t accept how unfair it was for him to just leave me and I can’t do anything about it. Right now he’s been MIA (not returning my messages/communicating what-not). Today is really a bad day since I am reminded again of how unfair it is that I’m having such a difficult time every single day while he’s out there having the time of his life and having fun. I know what I should do and I know what to tell myself but it’s just so hard to go through all of this.  I gave everything I had into that relationship and admittedly I feel like I  lost my self-respect and dignity just trying to chase after him. I know I will dread the day I find out he’s found someone else. 

    What also really bothers me is that because it’s difficult to let go of all that history, pain, regret etc I fear that I may never be able to really move on and let go. Even with time I may move forward maybe I would have already done a lot of things in my life but I’m scared that remembering that relationship will haunt me. I fear that the loss of this relationship will scar me for life.  

    I am happy I found your post. I believe it’ll help me through my bad days. Thank you so much.

  • Broken

    My Boyfriend broke up with me in December. We were together for four years and lived together for two.I cheated on him and kissed a guy last may and I regretted it with everything and i begged him we got back together for 6 months.We had to move back to our parent’s house and deep inside i knew we were going to end. And two weeks later he just ignored me and text me i’m moving on. He started dating a girl in high school right after. He’s 21 and I’m 20. I cried every single day and text him all the time i lost atleast 26 pounds. It was really bad. We ended up seeing each other 3 weeks later and i thought we had a chance. Through out these four months we would talk and hangout then he would just start ignoring me. This last time things were okay we were going to try to fix things, but he cant let the past go and neither can i. I would cry a lot and it would get on his nerves. That mad me feel terrible i feel like i’m going crazy because he doesn’t understand where im coming from. He messages and hits on all the girls on facebook and i don’t do anything i’m still committed to him because i truly love him. He asked me back out but it’s still the same thing and now yesterday it ended badly i was crying. He is ignoring me again. I think i truly just need to give up he knows he can have me whenever he wants and it’s my fault :( Also his mother hates me and that’s who he is living with. She is constantly putting things in his head. He confuses me with everything he tells me one moment he wants me the other moment he needs space. what do i do? :((

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m sorry to hear about your break up. I know how hard it is, especially when you were together for so long. And I know it’s likely even worse when you add the guilt about cheating. It sounds like he isn’t ready to let you go, but he is also isn’t ready to fully forgive you–which is why he plays these games with you. 

    I read somewhere once that we teach people how to treat us. While obviously cheating isn’t a good thing, you’re unintentionally teaching him that it’s okay to play with your emotions this way. Even if you made a mistake, you don’t deserve that. I recommend you take some time to yourself and work on forgiving yourself. If this relationship is made to last, he will use that time to do the same. If not, you will free yourself up for a far more healthy relationship down the road.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Ccchristie464

    I feel the same way.  A little over two months ago, my boyfriend of 12 years told me it had gotten “serious” with an old flame from 40 years ago, and she’s long-distance to boot!  This will freak out you younger readers, but I am 57, he is 65, and the “old flame” is 59.  He is very attractive … think of a taller, leaner, George Clooney-type.  He’s a lawyer, great conversationalist, political advisor, etc.  Both me and the old flame are also lawyers.  So, now that we are beyond the age thing, I still identify with many of you (whom I assume are a lot younger).  He had a heart attack five years ago, and I nursed him through it.  We’ve been through other serious stuff together, too.  I know I made mistakes, but jeez, 12 years … he actually didn’t say he wanted to “break up” … He kept saying how much he loved me but that things were “serious” with this Long Distance woman.  I have chosen to not speak to him at all.  We live 45 minutes apart, so I don’t bump into him around town.  I agree that I have idolized him and only remember the good things … I am taking the tip here to think also of the not-so-good traits/times together.  That will help me get through.  Also, by not maintaining a “friendship”, which I think he wanted to do, is helpful for me.  I’m not the type who could keep that going without feeling resentment.  I think TinyBuddah has some good tips here that I hope will help all of you as well.

  • Victoria

    I ended my 4-year long relationship because I wasn’t happy in it. I wanted our relationship move to the next level, have a real family, kids… He didn’t want any of that. So, we got job offers in different shifts where we couldn’t spend evenings together, and we grew apart. Not long after breakup he started dating someone else. When I found out about it after 4-5 months later, I started a new relationship too. The problem is I can’t forget my ex. He was a great guy. I miss being around him. I feel like I can let him go completely only if I know that he remembers about good things about our relationship as I do, like memories that bring smile. I don’t know why but I feel like it will bring some inner peace to me. 

  • Steph

    Thank you for writing such a wonderful post! It is inspiring for me to let go of relationships but also parts of a childhood I don’t care to cling to and even thoughts about myself that no longer serve me, grow me or make me happy. I love Tiny Buddha and hope to submit an article one day. Thanks again,

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Steph. I would love to read a post from you someday! In case you haven’t seen them, you can find the submission guidelines here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/get-featured/

  • Gurstina

    Hi Lori,

    I’m going through a painful breakup w/my high school sweetheart. We have been together off and on for 11years and steady for the past 5 with two kids. I’ve found out he has cheated several times and I keep going back and falling into his traps! I even blame my self for the breakup and constantly find my self think of all the things I should have done. He is now in another relationship and I think about it all of the time and have completely let my self go. I have tried many things and find your article very interesting and will use these techniques. Any advice would help!

  • ed

    I dated this guy for almost four years, we broke up about 6 months ago and I can not get over anything. My relationship with him had its share of bad and good times but mostly bad I will admit. My younger sister who did not have friends except for the guys she was sleeping with, I thought would be a good idea to take to the beach condo with my boyfriend and I to get her out of the house for awhile. We were all drinking and I passed out. The next morning I found them in bed together. I stopped talking to her and stayed with him finding out I was pregnant a few weeks later. I lost the baby and we broke up about a month after. I can not get over the anger and depression from the cheating and the baby. I talk to my sister now but I hold back a lot of what I want to tell her (which is not very pleasant words ) my whole life has just come to a stop I feel like. I am with this other guy now and he is honestly the perfect guy, but when I’m not over my past its hard to be happy with him

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Gurstina,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break up. Why do you blame yourself? You don’t need to answer that for me, but I think it would help if you got to the root of that. If you think you somehow deserved this, it will be difficult to forgive yourself and him, and eventually move on. 

    Whatever mistakes you may have made, you did not deserve to be cheated on by your partner/the father of your children. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. That has to start with how you treat yourself. In terms of letting yourself go, maybe you could make a list of what it would look like to love yourself in action, and start working on that, one small step at a time. You may find this post helpful:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-tips-to-release-self-neglect-and-love-yourself-in-action/

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened, with your ex and your sister, and with losing the baby. Have you told your current boyfriend about what you went through? If he cares about you, and it seems like he does, I’m sure he’d want to support you in working through this–both for your happiness, and the future or your relationship. 

  • Mschat81

    Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome!

  • Chris

    I am going through a very similar thing myself and empathise with your pain. I have done all the chasing of my ex girlfriend as well but only pushed her faster and further into the arms of someone else.

  • Cjlaud

    i was with my ex for 14 yrs an he left me in the dark….already had someone else before he left me…i have moved out of that town, an been trying to move forward..but i have been seeing him on an off…
    i need to stop this but i feel so lonely where i am alone here..how do i stop seeing him
    texting him an talking to him??i feel like i take 1 step forward an 8 steps back…but i am so weak when it comes to him..

  • Chlesea

    My ex left me 4 years ago for one of the girls he was cheating on me with, we were together almost 5 years and have a child. He just moved on happily, (she knew about me the entire time and would send horrible messages even when we were together & not) but would continue coming back into my life by turning up at my place, constantly calling etc claiming to love me and have made a mistake yet he basically disowned our child for this girl. So anyway its been 4 years, I cut all contact with him finally last year, I don’t want him at all anymore but I just feel I’ll never find love again, I’m so damaged, the first 3 years I had decided to spend my life alone but now I want to love someone else and be loved again but I just feel it won’t happen for me. I’ve been single all this time, been on a few dates, my last was 2 years ago but I just get freaked out by the thought of someone hurting and leaving me again.. I’m in counselling but its not helping. Most days I just feel like ending my life because I’m so unhappy. I’m sick of men constantly leering at me because apparently I have a sexy body and am pretty but I’m such an intelligent woman so men are shocked when they discover that and another thing is I’m told I’m too nice, kind, sweet and helpful but being horrible just isn’t in my nature.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your break up. You mentioned you feel lonely where you are. Do you have any friends and family nearby? Break ups are never easy, but they’re so much easier when you’re able to lean on the people you love and trust.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can only imagine how difficult that was–both because he cheated on you, and because he’s the father of your child. It sounds like you have conflicting desires–you want a relationship, but you want to protect yourself from potential pain. Is this something you’ve worked through in therapy at all? If that’s not helping you, perhaps it would be good to consider a different therapist. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding the right person to help you move on and empower yourself. My therapist literally saved my life when I was a teenager, but there were many others who I simply didn’t click with. I know it may not seem this way now, but you won’t feel this pain forever. You will heal, and you will know love again, if you open up to it.

  • 3xs

    its good to hear of someone who is older and going through this I am 57 and he is 63  I have been in love with him for 44 years (we hadn’t spoke for 27 yrs) and we just rekindled our love the past 9 months and just broke up we ar both married and I confronted the wife ugly story.  BUt I am trying to move on…….so hard I can’t bear it…

  • Mariai_diaz

    Lori

    Hello.  I met this guy in one of my classes we started going out, and spending time together the sex was great.  He was about to graduate and i was about to travel for the summer.  We basically did not have closure.  I was very hard for me to move on at the time because I remember him at school at times.  He moved to Europe and we lost touch for a whole year.  Now he is popping up in my life and I am not sure if I would follow this.  I think in general is very selfish for people to keep looking for the others we have a hard time moving on.  The chemistry is good but he is leaving again in a month.  I went out with him but I just want to find the way to get back to normal.  Should I tell him to stop seeing me? 

  • Exotictaste

    I would just like to advise all to try to avoid social networking sites when it comes to exes. I recently found my long lost first lust/love (curiosity only) and all of my old feelings have resurfaced as though everything happened yesterday even though we met around 20 years ago! I was travelling around the world (away for 3 years) and met him in Fiji. He was a native and I’m from the UK. I stayed in Fiji for 6 months only leaving the day that my visa expired. I then went to NZ, OZ, back to NZ then back to Fiji to see him 19 months later. I was so besotted by this guy even though in reality we spent very little time together. A lot of things happened and my heart was well and truly crushed. I was completely devastated leaving. I am not interested in contacting him and looking at his photo it is hard to believe it is the same person as the one I was so attracted to all those years ago. I am now happily married although my partner is overseas right now. I am so suprised at how emotional this has made me, I can’t stop crying. I guess that I will recover AGAIN soon!

  • NJ

    I recently met up with an old boyfriend that I never got over. He was the first man that I can honestly say I truly loved. We were on the same wavelength and were in constant contact with each other. He was going through a messy divorce at the time and we broke up because he was all over the place emotionally. Since meeting up again we have been in touch and I still have strong feelings for him. He isn’t the person I remembered, he’s changed although he insists he hasn’t, but that he’s just weighed down with his responsibilities (he has children and they live with him). He sends me flirty emails, recollecting fond memories of things that happened between us, apologizing for not being in touch more but has a lot on his plate etc. Wants us to stay in touch, but doesn’t want me to assume we’ll get back together again. Don’t know what to think. Am trying to walk away, but it’s hard. Thanks for any advice

  • Scared

    ladies – thank you so much for this post. i am in a bad relationship but i’ve been with him since before i’ve graduated, and i live halfway across the country from my family. i’m trying to leave but he’s my security blanket, and with a son it just makes it so much harder. i’m trying to remember that even tho i care for him he isn’t right for me because of all the bad things but its so hard… i have no license just my permit. no family… it feels like im sabtauging my life and my ability to take care of my son who is 14 months :( any advice?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    What does your gut tell you? In reading your comment, I got the feeling you don’t think it’s a great idea to keep seeing him, since you mentioned this is selfish of him, and you’d like to move past this. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. In regards to advice: Do you need to live so far from your family? If you had a larger support system, it would be much easier to leave this relationship that you know in your heart isn’t right…

  • I can relate

    DITTO here!  Same thing happened to me - only mine was 25 years ago. I too lived through all the pain a second time around.  The good that came out of it though was that it caused me to re-evaluate our relationship and the lessons I learned, only this time through the eyes of gratitude and appreciation.  I had to do some deep soul searching to finally get to this place.  I hope you can find your way through just as I did. ♥

  • Emily_D_Garcia

    This advice really made me feel better. My ex fiancé and I spilt abou 3 months ago we were together for almost 8 years. We have a 2 year old son and it gets really hard passing him off back and forth. I decided to end the relationship because I felt we were to different and we fought too much. I recently started dating this great guy that I’ve know for almost 10 years and he’s amazing I feel so lucky to have him. I recently found out my ex is seeing someone I knew and befriended. It’s weird to see her in my place, to think of her sleeping in the same bed I did every night. To be around my son. I don’t want him back I’m happy with my decision but, why does this bother me? Why should I care? I want happiness for them. How do I learn to not let my emotions towards material things get to me? For instance knowing that she sleeps in the same bed I did for 8 years? I want to be able to let go of everything and move forward completely? I want to be happy with the person I’m dating now who’s always been my best friend I don’t want to feel like my emotions are robbing anyones time.

  • Earl8209

    Hi please tell me that I’m not alone feeling like this ….
     I split with the love of my life 4 years ago we had been together for 12 years it was hard as we stayed friends. He’s my best friend in the whole world but that’s the problem we are more best friends than anything else. I just dont look at him in that way any more. We both love each other so much still but I have no urges to sleep 
    with him. I love his company and could spend all the time in the world with him, our sence of humor is the same are interests every thing but there is just no sexual attractant there on my side. After we split I moved 400 miles away to try find myself again as an individual and not as a couple we still spoke most days though or at least twice a week.  I’ve tried moving on and met some fantastic people and thought to myself yes this is good but as soon as they start to get close I panic and run. Also as my ex is always in my thoughts I start to feel guilty any new partner as how can I give my heart to someone when its still some where else.2 years ago (2.5 years after we split) he had a baby with someone else. God it ripped my heart out and I thought god this might be the line in the sand to move on….but no not at all it hasn’t happened i still love him and his little girl to i could quite happly bring her up as ours in a family unit
    I have moved bk home 7months ago to help him through a difficult situation of trying to get custody of his daughter as he’s my best friend I wasnt going to let him do it alone so I’m bk living with him again…just as friends and separate bed rooms etc.  Everyone. Thinks I’m mad leaving a fantastic life in Cornwall to come back to help my ex but I didn’t even have to think twice if it was the right thing to do,I just new it was and hed do the same for me.  It hasn’t helped my head though as I’m loving been back in his company and just really REALLY wish there was some thing I could do to get them sexual feelings back as I know he’s my sole mate and can’t ever see my self seting with anyone else and def never having kids with anyone but him. I don’t even know if I can move bk to cornwall again now as don’t think I can leave him again and as much as he wants to move down there he can’t because of his daughter who is 2.  I know people say the sex goes anyway when you have been with someone so long and it dosnt really matter but the thing is I don’t think I could have a sex less relationship As I have a high sex drive and I know I’d probably end up straying and cheating on him and I love him and respect him to do that and hurt him in that way. I know he want to try again as we never stopped loving each other and both know where sole mates but it’s me that just can’t do it till I sort my head out.. I just don’t know what to do if anyone knows of any good charity therapists as I don’t have much money or books to read or web sites to look at I’d be gratefull as ive been in this limbo feeling like this for 4.5 years now And its still the same .also please let me know if anyone else is in this situation or has been as I need hope that I arnt going to be in limbo for ever .!!!  My parents have now come to terms with the fact they prob won’t get grand kids from me and said if I don’t get help to sort this I’ll be on my own for a Long time. Also ii do feel bad as each time I do try to move on I end up hurting that person and I know it will happen over and over again and im only 30.Sorry for rambling on but it felt good to wright this out.  Xx
     .L.

  • Exotictaste

    Many many thanks for your response. I’m sure that I will be fine again soon. It’s good to hear from someone who has had a similar experience. I wasn’t looking for love when I was travelling and it’s incredible that I fell so deeply for this guy in such a short space of time. I don’t know that many people can relate to my holiday romance story. Was it love, was it lust? Whatever it was it was incredibly powerful. I hope that I will be able to build something as powerful but without the devastation of a broken heart with my gorgeous hubby. Thank you for relating. 

  • Fdcervantes37

    Well, currently my wife of 5 years asked me to prepare for divorce. Before we were engaged my wife and I were on/off in our relationship and during those times i’d go out with other women.
    We got engaged, married, she had a son I took in at 10months old as my own, we had a daughter in common.
    So our marriage was great in the beginning, then the trials started. I didn’t show enough love, I wouldn’t hold hands all the time. Etc.
    I found her calling her boss at all hours, texting him, then me right after, pretty soon it was just him she would call to and from work and not me. I caught her in a hotel with together all though she said it was just them talking about our marriage, and I believed her.
    So for the past two months divorce papers filed, I’m trying to be the man she wanted and she said its too late. I took the pictures off the wall today and she told me, living with you makes her awkward. I guess its time to go.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful to you! I can understand why you’d have some conflicting emotions, especially since you have a child together and you’ve only been broken up for a few months. Do you meditate or practice yoga? This will likely help a great deal with letting go…

  • Jetaime-moncherie

    Hi, 
    My ex recently broke up with me. Stating that the long distance is really making us drift apart. And that I can’t trust him even when we are together and now that we are apart we just fight all the time. This is partly due to my insecurities that he is meeting someone new in his university. And having fun with his new friends and neglecting me. After breaking up, I had to go through the grieving process and I was glad i had the support of my friends. But recently, he’s been texting me and I gave into temptation and started talking to him again. He’s been telling me how much he misses me and how he wish he had me in his arms at night. After reading all these messages I felt weak and I ran back into the comfort zone. He also kept telling me that if i moved overseas to be with him everything would be fine because we would start afresh. I really don’t know what to do because it is very hard to leave my family behind and move in with him.

    So i decided to make sure that he was really loving me and wanting to be together with me. I logged into his Facebook account and found out that he was telling this other girl that he likes her because she is beautiful and the way he was talking to this girl really convinced me that it was true! And I knew in my heart i should not have poked into his account.I was furious and decided to confront him about it. Instead, he told me that it was a setup he did together with this girl to see whether i was poking around where i don’t belong. ( I was utterly confused by his comment) According to him, it was a test of whether i trusted him enough! A part of me wants to believe that it was just a setup but another tells me that it is not that simple. Do you think that I should trust him? 

    I told him that if he really wanted to move on he should just be truthful with me and not like sweet talk me & deceiving me into having feelings for him once again. And on the other hand trying to woo this other girl that he likes. To me its very selfish of him to do so. I don’t really know what’s going on anymore and i am very confused. D:

    I don’t know if the issue was true or it was really a setup and it really hurts because these thoughts keep swirling around in my head. I don’t know whether i should even have that wishful thought that we can be together if I moved in with him. I don’t know if i’m really making a wise decision. I also don’t know how to improve my trust for others. Would really appreciate some advice. 

  • Tianachantale

    I am 18 and fell in love for te first time when I was 16. Things ended really badly and I keep thinking what if this what if that. I don’t think we could ever be together again but it is so hard to let go as he lives next door to me. We haven’t spoken in 5 months but it’s really hard to let go! Any advice other than move houses ? Thanks

  • leela555

    Me and this guy haven’t been together for over 3 years now and we were still in contact on and off until almost a year ago when we had a misunderstanding and haven’t talked since. He has a young child with someone else. He never wanted kids and I think he felt stuck when this happened. I still love him and think about him so much and I can’t get over this. Any tips? Will it get better?

  • Chlesea

    Thank you for your response and i will put my name on the counselling service list at my university this week but i have also found a few counselling services in my local area, i hope one will help! :-)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I hope so too!

  • Mariroxas

    we had the same story, it so difficult to undergo a moving on process. glad you found you relationship now even if it took 8years good things is all the pain is wort it. godbless.:)

  • Lonely

    I feel so content reading all these comments because they have enlightened me, and I do not feel alone with my feelings anymore. I feel connected.  Thank you everyone:)

  • Bronwyn Clarke92

    Hi Lori,

    My ex and I broke up nearly two years ago. I’m well aware that he’s not the one for me and like many other people have said, I still think about him every day. Ive dated a few guys since but I always find that after about a month I freak out and end it because they are just not my ex. I hate that this happens, I’ve recently met a really nice guy and I hope it doesn’t happen again! :( I feel like I’m manifesting it by thinking about it so much but I just want to be able to create new memories with someone new!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s wonderful you’ve met a new guy! Incidentally, do you meditate or practice yoga? That might help you create some mental clarity, so you worry less about repeating past mistakes. I’m sending good thoughts your way. =)

  • Tyronepittman15typit

    I can’t let go its hard we’ve been broken up a month n she’s told me that her feelings ain’t came back we are still friends. I made her mad today and I. Ain’t realize it til she wouldn’t talk to me. N I been doin what made her mad for awhile n it could be the cause for our break up I read this just in case I have to but im not ready to. Idk wat to do

  • lilly

    My husband is back again two weeks ago. I am so grateful to ancientijebudespelltemple@gmail.com. I stood on the promise of that little mustard seed and miracles started happening everywhere in my life, not only my marriage is healed, but also my family is healing.All thanks to ancientijebudespelltemple@gmail.com Lilly

  • sandra

    Nothing compares to the promise i have in obolospelltemple@gmail.com. After years of separation and divorce, my husband and I were remarried one month ago. A year ago, there was no indication of reconciliation. He was still trying to marry someone else. He started the journey home and a few months later was talking about our future. I never took off my wedding band during the journey and now I have a new one with rubies because my husband says I am the Proverbs woman whose price is far above rubies. I wear them both. Obolospelltemple@gmail.com is faithful to perform what He what He has promised.I am Sandra from NEW YORK

  • Lonely

    I consider that out of all the points treated here, the 10th is by far the most important. Embracing impermanence can not only be difficult to do when being in a relationship but also in all other aspects of life. It is hard to understand we own nothing, not even our lovers faithfulness. I guess it is a demanding idea for our society to consider such thing: having our loved one betray us is perhaps one of the deepest wounds one could get. Still, most of the pain related to this wound is connected with our egos; betrayal only surfaces our deepest fears. 
    This is an idea I find personally difficult to accept, but I guess it a lot less hard to expect people fooling around and still being in love with you, than expecting people being loyal forever for the sake of love. 

  • Monica_kramer

    <3

  • sura

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact
    with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you ultimate spell.you are truly talented and gifted.Email:ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man  ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com

  • Quebs131

    These tips just made me tear up.. thank you for giving me the strength to start the rest of my life.

  • Ariel

    I have a problem that no one understands entirely except for him. My ex and I were housemates and we got together at uni. He fell for me while I was seeing someone else and when I realised I liked him the damage had been done and it was too late. We then got into a relationship, I guess because his feelings were so strong he had to give it ago, but he warned me that the initial hurt he felt he may never get over. We were together for the 2nd and 3rd year of uni and although sometimes he would get upset about the way our relationship started, I never thought he would leave me as our feelings for each other were so strong. He broke up with me before going travelling for 6 months. I was devastated , although he would still occasionally message me to let me know what he was up to (as if the photos on facebook weren’t enough). Time passed by and we got in touch again when he came home, we almost got back together but refrained because he was going away again, possibly for 6 months. We stayed in touch and then I got into a new relationship. It was mainly because I was sick of feeling so unwanted by a guy that could never make his mind up. I spilt up with my boyfriend just before my ex came home (3 months early).  Not contacting my ex was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was emotionally cheating on my boyfriend every day. Now he has returned and knows that 2 years later I am still madly in love with him and he claims that things can’t be the same, but he won’t stop contacting me or letting me get over him. This is why I felt the need to move on in the first place, because he kept me hanging on. This guy has a hold of me and I can’t shake it off. We can’t leave each other alone and yet he isn’t prepared to give us a second shot. I feel like I am in limbo land and if I can’t figure this out, I know I’ll need counselling to get me over him as 2 years isn’t healthy. I would never write on here – but if anyone has any advice I would be really grateful as I can’t see the wood for the tress with this one.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • Bronwyn Clarke92

    Yes I do both and I have found that it helps a lot :) found out yesterday that he cheated on me several times so that’s gonna help me get over him I think!!

  • Vicky Gastelum

    I understand about feeling whole ,loving yourself first, this is we’re I was, at least I thought i was, when my heart was broken. So I’m confused why I’m going through this, how I let this happen to me. It’s been1yr 7months since we seperated and I’ve bounce between crying, anger towards him and hoping to reunite. I think this is quite some time to keep feeling to strongly about him. He broke it off, and he knew i wanted to make it work.
    Im trying to figure how to move on, and not be mad at him. Of course I know he has moved on, and seeing someone else, not I. You mentioned how some partners can be only using you, this is probably what hurts most, to think this is all it was to him

  • Vg

    I understand about feeling whole ,loving yourself first, this is we’re I was, at least I thought i was, when my heart was broken. So I’m confused why I’m going through this, how I let this happen to me. It’s been1yr 7months since we seperated and I’ve bounce between crying, anger towards him and hoping to reunite. I think this is quite some time to keep feeling to strongly about him. He broke it off, and he knew i wanted to make it work.
    Im trying to figure how to move on, and not be mad at him. Of course I know he has moved on, and seeing someone else, not I. You mentioned how some partners can be only using you, this is probably what hurts most, to think this is all it was to him

  • Rochette

    You took the words out of my mouth.  I feel exactly the same about my ex.  I regret SO much and I just can’t seem to forgive myself.  My biggest  fear is that I have ruined things forever with the best guy.  It keeps me up at night, literally.   I too, tried everything to get him to take me back and nothing worked.  But I keep thinking… if he really did love me unconditionally like he said he did, he would give me a second chance.  I just have to believe somehow it will either work out with him in the future or someone even better,  You too!

  • Deanna

    It’s a lot easier to tell someone to move on than it is to actually do it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean Deanna. It wasn’t easy for me either. Letting go never is, but we have to start somewhere.

  • Miya

    Growing up I was never really into dating or boys like most of my friends, I don’t think I actually believed in that sort of love. Basically I always guarded my feelings because I was afraid of getting hurt. however when I turned 19 I met a boy that absolutely turned my world upside down. I don’t think I’ve loved someone so much even today (I’m single). We were together for a several of months until he decided to leave me for his ex. I felt like my whole life was falling apart, I was depressed, I isolated myself from everyone including my family. It’s hard for me to let go since I see him a lot (we have mutual friends). for the next seven years we would casually hook up when ever we were both around and single, in reality I’ve always been single while he dated these girls, hoping that they won’t last. I had to pretend that I date too because I didn’t want him to know I was still attached. I think that damaged me soo much more I had to pretend that what we have is only physical it didn’t really mean anything because i was scared of losing him if he knew that it did. I’m 28 now,  and I haven’t seen him in over a year I think I’m in a slightly better at handling my pain but letting go of the past and forgiving him for cheating feels like impossible. He’s in a a relationship now with this girl that he’s in love with, it’s not necessarily that I want him back but seeing how good he treats her brings back all the pain of my past and sometimes it makes me feel unworthy because all I wanted from him to feel loved like that and all I got was hurt and betrayal. I’m ready to move on I just don’t know how to let go. I feel like my chest closes up every time I think of them. I’ve tried to forgive him Its just so hard. please help me!

    Ps sorry if there are mistakes English is not my first language.

  • Hurt

    Me and him never have a relationship, more like friends with benefits and I fell for him, head over heels. I knew I was in for a hard fall if he does not feel the same for me but I still went ahead. Over and over again for the past 4 months he reiterated to me the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship and that he has a regular partner who stays some 400 km away that he meets once every month whom he practice being in a relationship with. I ignored all that and hoping with the time we spent, which he responded well, that we will get to know each other and he would perhaps change his mind about wanting a relationship with me… Then he told me a month ago that he felt like he’s been cheating on the “partner” with me… I was devastated. I cried, I looked for rebound, I went out partying, I did everything and a month later, I still miss him, think about him a lot and history kept playing in my mind. I broke down last night, cried my eyes out wondering why he doesn’t see things in me that I saw in him…

    I came across your website and some of the advises were actually the same given to me by my girlfriend.. I am not going to give myself time frame but hopefully I can learn to let go. 

  • ogunday gogodo

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    when i was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he
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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Miya,

    I know this must be really tough, especially since you two have hooked up over seven years–and during that time, the nature of your relationship somewhat reinforced that you were somehow unworthy of the kind of love you craved. (I’ve been there before–and I compromised with myself, thinking “hooking up” was all I wanted, when really I just thought it was better than nothing.)

    I think they key to forgiving him and letting go might be first forgiving yourself for hanging on for so long. If you can start focusing on the future–reinforcing to yourself that you *are* worthy of a greater love, and you can and will have it at some point down the line–you’ll likely feel less of an emotional sting when you think back to your past. 

    Does that make sense to you? I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think this is one of the most challenging types of pain–when it feels like someone else doesn’t recognize and reinforce how worthy and lovable you are are.

    But something in what you wrote jumped out at me. You wrote that he reiterated over and over again that he didn’t want a relationship and that he had another partner. If he was already in another relationship, he wasn’t open to seeing you in the way you wanted to be seen. That means its not a statement on you as a person. He simply wasn’t available.

    I know that might not seem helpful right now, because it’s only been a month and you’re still hiring. But you will start to feel better with time, and perhaps then it will help to realize that the timing was off for the two of you. You deserve better than a half-relationship with someone who is already with someone else. You deserve a full relationship–and you can have one in time, if you give yourself space to heal!

  • heartbroken again

    I agree completely.  Please please please do not look up your exes on social networking sites.  Mine was my first love, the only guy ever to break my heart.  Curiosity got the best of me…25 years after the fact.  Saw his picture…sigh…several pictures…and felt those old feelings all anew.  But I went a step further than you ladies did.  I contacted him.  Tried to re-establish a friendship with him.  Harmless, right, after all this time?  No.  Not harmless.  Painful, tortured, and awful.  I have spent the last two years reliving those past moments, good and bad.  And dragged him through it with me.  Not a pretty thing. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed.  There are some people you are simply not going to get over.  At least not if you keep them in your present.  Put them safely in your past and keep them there.  Don’t let curiosity get the best of you.  It hurts and it’s hard, and it’s difficult to find your way back.  Do yourself a favor and don’t go there.

    Still searching for inner peace…

  • Sexysophie_952

    This is such good advice but just so hard to put in place.. :(

  • Miya

     Thank you Lori!

    Yes It makes sense :)  your comforting words and wisdom has definitely given me hope. I’ve made your website as my home page!.

    xx

  • exotictaste

    Sorry everyone, I have ignored my own advice and sent him a message although it only says OMG! It’s actually on a family tree website so he might not see it for some time. I think that I’m recovering again now. He was also the only guy to ever break my heart and the only person who has ever made my heart skip a beat (the first time that I saw him again after returning to Fiji). I agree that there are some people that you will never recover completely from. Over the past 2 weeks I have obsessed over old photos and memories and played back the Lenny Kravitz and Boy meets Girl songs. It is highly unlikely that I will ever see this guy again as he is exactly the other side of the world to me. I think that I have been mourning the passage of time. Is it really 20 years ago? It is also true that I saw him as a South Pacific god. I was so attracted to him. Anyhow, he is not the person I knew and he looks like another person in his picture. It’s as though he has died. Even though he hurt me I will always love him anyway. 

  • Bestjackson

    i just want to share my happiness with you all over here i just receive a heart break from my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and i was confuse and i did not know what to do and i almost think of taking my life. But one day i was just doing some research on the Internet when i saw a testimony on how to get your ex back. I really believe that spell do work because my mummy was heal by a spell caster when i was still 15 years old i decided to contact DOCTOR GBOCO for help and he told me what i have to do and after two days i show my ex in my house begging me and ask me to come back to him it was just like a dream to me. thanks to DOCTOR GBOCO you can contact him this Email: gbocotemple@yahoo.com if you need any help or advice in your relationship.

  • blessing

    what a wonderful world we are living, i still doubt this spell caster how he did it!!! My mouth is full of testimony, Am blessing my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist,he meant a prostitute and he was bewitch be the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com  and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband..       Dr Iyaryi  of Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com |is the best spell caster in the whole wild world.

  • Sulaimani

    I ended a seven year relationship at the beginning of this year. It was a turbulent seven years, where every so often my ex turned to me and told me he didn’t want to be with me, then that he needed time to think and if I really loved him, I would give him the time. I always did, which could last for three months or more where we would still live together, but have no physical contact at all and not very much useful conversation because he said he was so depressed. I often encouraged him to get help but he refused. During these periods, he would often be angry with me or verbally abusive.

    As a cycle came to an end, there would be a time where he would tell me how I was the problem in the relationship, how I needed to change and if I tried to discuss what had happened in the preceding months, he woud tell me I needed to get over the past. He would compare me to other women and say he felt jealous when he saw my friends – because I wasn’t more like them, I guess. He told me my self-esteem issues were part of the reason he treated me the way he did – and that I was selfish, mean, demanding, wanting, lifeless, boring. And so on. A couple of time, I found that he had been trying to have relationships with other women. When I confronted him, he said it was nothing, I was jealous and insecure and so on.

    I know I could have changed things about myself during the time (low self-esteem problems, lack of confidence, eating problems that would come and go), but it was tough – I was the only one working full-time, my job provided us with accommodation, and I was living away from my country in his country, which can be a little disempowering at first due to language, cultural differences etc. I would occasionally try to speak to him about how I felt I needed more support, but he would ridicule me / get defensive / get angry. If I said it would  be helpful if he shopped / cooked occasionally, he would say he couldn’t be at home at 5pm every day just for me. Of course, this is not what I wanted. It was not even about money although I increasingly began to resent the fact I was working full-time, paying for holidays abroad for four years, shopping, cooking and so on, while he was ‘working on his projects’, which meant a lot of time in cafes.

    In between these cycles, things were also very unstable – I would ‘do’ something that would ‘provoke’ anger within him and there would be a withdrawal of his affection for a day, or a few days or a few weeks. I found it difficult to talk to him because he would often swear at me, or shout, and I found myself becoming smaller and smaller in his presence. After I ‘did’ something, I would wish so fervently I had been able to ‘control’ myself more to prevent the angry outburst and the consequences.

    Again, another cycle began last September. But this time – although I agreed to spend time apart – I told him he had to move out. After a few months apart, I told him I couldn’t continue. I guess over the years I have slowly come to realise the unhealthiness and the destructiveness of what was occuring.  

    At this point, he still tries to contact me sometimes and says he wants to be with me. I will never get back with him again. I am working through so much pain and grief because I allowed myself to be in that situation for so long – it feels like I completely abandoned myself. And it is still hard not to believe that I deserved the treatment – that if I had been better, this would not have happened to me.

    Shortly after, I met a wonderful guy who I completely fell for and we spent a wonderful three months together – he inspired me and made me see what it could be to relate in a healthy way. I guess I fell in love with him. I also chose to ignore, a little bit, the fact that he is a ‘free spirit’, works in the humanitarian field which means lots of short relationships and short contracts, and although he is 41, has no urge at the moment to ‘settle’, have children, get married (not that I want these things necessarily). We are still in contact although not pursuing a long-term relationship. He has always been very clear with me and clear about who he is and what he wants, but still, I feel his loss very deeply. I still can’t help slipping into the old mindset that I have ‘done something wrong’, that if I was better, prettier, cleverer, funnier, more sophisticated etc etc he would want to continue a relationship with me, albeit a long-distance one. I wake up in the mornings and yearn for his presence, his body, beside me. I yearn for his touch, to be held. And I often feel such deep anxiety that I am alone once again.

    All the stories I read here have touched me very deeply. We are all yearning, deeply, to love and be loved. And heart-break is so universal and at the same time so devestating because it feels so personal. However painful it is, I am trying to look very honestly at why these break-ups have affected me so much – and why, when something comes to an end, it can feel like death. Two books have helped me very much – ‘When Things Fall Apart’ by Pema Chodron and ‘The Wisdom of a Broken Heart’. Both try to help us see how we can use these painful times to try to grow in some ways and to understand ourselves more deeply.

    Much love and peace to all of you – and lots of healing!

  • jme

    Thank you for this wonderful article.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’e most welcome. =)

  • Urmajst

    I really appreciate this writing…I will put these things in practice 

  • ALINA

    Hi My name is “ALINA” just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 4years with 3kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our fourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email  him Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com … Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it. his email;Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com
       

  • heartbroken again

    To Exotictaste and Sexysophie_952, I confess that I’m better at giving advice than following it. It sounds like we’re all in the same boat.  Hugs to both of you. 

  • TazChick

    Sounds like HE doesn’t trust YOU enough if he had to make a “set-up”. Although it could be true, that does sound a bit fishy to me. 

  • Mirelle

    Thank you for this article, I can very much relate… I am actually going through this right now… I don’t know if you or someone else could provide some advice for me, but I’d really appreciate it.
    To make a long story short, I treated my ex badly. I was full of insecurities. We broke up last year. He still wanted to be friends with me after that, he had said. But a few months ago, he started acting very distant in conversation. And now, it’s been a little over two months since we last talked to one another.The problem is, even though we’re not together anymore, I still have the same thoughts that bothered me in the relationship pop up every now and then, just like last night, and it brings me to tears. I want to love him unconditionally. I know, deep down, that I really want him to be happy, even if he chooses to have a relationship with someone else. But I’m still bothered by these same thoughts that bothered me during the relationship. What’s bothering me is how he (used to) talk with female friends of his. They would say “love you, miss you, you’re amazing” to each other. I’m still bothered by this! [And even when he didn't say these things, just him being out with a female friend alone, even though I knew nothing happened, (because I've been out with male friends alone with no romantic intentions either), I felt these feelings of anger, fear, sadness.]

    I tell myself now, if I really wanted to know how he interacts with female friends, I would have to meet them to get over this fear. But since that isn’t possible (we’re not in a relationship anymore, when we were, I refused to meet his friends because I thought they would hate me), I don’t know how to overcome this. 

    I tell myself, I know I can be friends with anyone, I can learn to love everyone, and that would include his friends. And I tell myself if he wants to be with someone else, then if it makes him happy, that’s all that should matter. But these thoughts still persist. It’s as though I believe by him loving his friends, that takes away the love he has for me. But I know that’s ridiculous. 

    Of course, now, when I have moments of clarity and think “oh, I love him unconditionally, even if he says/does those things”, now I want him back and think about how nicely I would treat him. But then, just like last night, those negative thoughts regarding his friends come up, and I find myself in tears.

    I just want to stop being selfish, and really love [him] unconditionally, even if we never speak to one another again. Even if I want to be with him and there’s no chance of that happening, I want to feel 100% happy for him. And if, by chance, we did get back together, I want to stop being fearful that he will leave me for someone else — and be happy whether he does or not! 

    I don’t know what the answer is besides “continue working through these feelings”, but it feels like I’m tackling these thoughts from the same perspective each time and remaining stuck here. :/ 

  • http://exbackreport.com/how-to-get-over-a-break-up Devin

    This is a solid article with some good advice. I think you could even boil it down to just one step: do something! Most people who have serious breakup issues have them because they just mope around the house too much after a breakup. Getting active is key to moving on successfully. Take small steps, but do it everyday.

  • Italianbby1995

    i have a boyfriend right now that ive been with for a year and a half and im so completely in love with him and he makes me so happy but he also makes me feel terrible and checks out other girls infront of me hes now in jail for a crime he didnt commit he took the fall for his friend and i started talking to my ex. my ex is so sweet to me and it feels so nice to be treated good for once before my boyfriend left for jail me and him had a huge fight and split but we still talk and send letters like we never even had the fight i love my boyfriend more then i love my ex but i cant let go of my ex ive tried so hard and i cant stop talking to him. my ex told me that if he loses me and i stop talking to him hes going to kill himself….. what do i do i need help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i guess i just started talking to him because i was lonely and he knows this. how do i stop talking to him without him hurting himself ?

  • Exotictaste

    Many thanks for your support. Thank god for this site. It really helps to write my story and read about others going through the same thing. I wish there was a magic time machine so that I could go back 20 years and change some of the painful events but, there’s not. Best of luck & love to all.

  • Claire

    My life is back!!! After 7 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted freemercytemple@yahoo.com for help to get my husband back and after I explained all my problem, he cast the Save My Marriage Spell for me. In just 1 week, my husband came back to us. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. Thank you Doctor messiah.

  • Laface2010

    Unfortunately, this will probably not work. You can’t possibly know if he’s telling the truth or not. And if you DID get back together with him, ask yourself, could you ever trust  him??? Obviously you already don’t if you’re fishing around in his FB account.

    For me trust and honesty are two of the most important pieces/values that need to be part of a relationship. If you don’t have those, there’s no foundation. Move on. I know it’s hard, believe me I am heartbroken myself. But you’ve got to take care of YOU. As Madonna says, “Respect Yourself.”
    If you don’t respect yourself, no man will. 

  • Moving on

    Don’t make the mistake of trying version 2.0. It might be great at first, but then you realize why the first time did not work out. This recently happened too me, it’s very troubling and painful, but also makes me angry at myself for falling into the same trap twice. I initiated the second split, as I was just tired of the problems and differences, I knew it was not going to last..but it still is very hard when you really care and love someone. I’ve moved on, but still see the exe, but no contact though, the best circumstance would be TOTAL cut off, leave it and never look back, trouble behind, positive forward, don’t go in reverse!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Honestly, I’m not even sure where to begin. I started writing advice to offer you, and then I realized I don’t feel comfortable doing it because I am not a psychologist, and I’m any way qualified to offer advice regarding someone who might be suicidal. (Of course, I realize he may just be trying to manipulate you, but I’d hate to assume that if it’s not the case.)

    I would suggest calling a suicide hotline and asking them how they recommend you proceed. They should be able to advise you on how to best deal with a potentially suicidal person:

    http://suicidehotlines.com/

  • mike

    “Mike was the love of my life and walked out on me after I cheated on him twice with his best friend. I don’t know why I did it and going back to it, it wasn’t even all that great (lol). His best friend was an asshole and really screwed us. I was the horrible person and the weak person however and gave in to him. It was not fair to Mike and I cannot even imagine how it feels. Except…I imagine SORT OF IT BEING…similar…to the situation of him walking out on me. I know what I did was wrong but it was not planned. I wanted another chance. I knew we were meant to be. With ayelala shrine and ultimate psychics…I did finally get my second chance. They are great, worked with me through it all and the results I could clearly tell were nearly instantly working for me. It wasn’t long or horrible like the other casters I have tried. These people are for real! Give them a shot. You may post this on your new site, ou have my blessing” ayelalashrine2@gmail.com is the answer

  • Essynessy

    HI all, It’s crazy but comforting to read about all your stories about the same topic. And crazy to hear that 10+ years later the pain and remembering are all still present.

    I broke up with my first love and he told me that he would never love another again, yet he wouldn’t go back to try a relationship again. that took me 2 good years to recover from – learning to be my own person and friend again.
    This time my boy of only 1year 4 months has broken our relationship off to which I have promised myself I would never love another again either.  He has said to me just last night that he still loves me a lot still has emotion and feelings but doesn’t feel that special feeling that we once had in the beginning, have too many arguments and just doesn’t feel like I belong to him any more. He still wants me in his life, still wants me over for movie nights and chats etc but just doesn’t want to be dating. Does this mean anything? I accept what he has offered, I somewhat feel the same, I feel like I need less attachment to him and more to my own life and passions which I feel I put on hold because of him. But I feel I still want to give him my care and love and want to receive it back from him. I’m not too sure if this is healthy and how far we can stretch this agreement. Does this sound normal or a healthy way to move a relationship forward to a good friendship

  • ALINA

    Hi My name is “ALINA” just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 4years with 3kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our fourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email  him Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com 

  • ALINA

     Hi My name is “ALINA” just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 4years with 3kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our fourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email  him Odulduspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • sucker for love

    All I can say is DON’T DO WHAT I DID! 
    She left me on my 40th birthday after being together for over 4 years. 
    I was so unable to let go of the past and move on, 
    that it ruined my life! 
    I lost my job of 25 years, lost my beach pad, drove my friends away, spent my life savings, and most importantly… 
    I completely lost my self confidence. 
    Why I couldn’t get over her, I don’t know? 
    After telling me she loved me everyday for more than 4 years… 
    On my birthday she said she wasn’t happy, left me, 
    and got married less than a year later! She never spoke to me again. 
    I don’t know why it devastated me so much?
    All I know is my whole life it was easy for me to get girlfriends, 
    or at least some kind of love. 
    But she left me when I was 40, and now I’m 46…. 
    I am still alone. I haven’t even had one female interested in me since then. 
    Now I’m too old to recover. 
    All I can say is DON’T END UP LIKE ME!
     
     

  • Miss rose juckin

    Hello,
    my name is Miss rose juckin, I’m from Brazil. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real.I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Jackson, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.Templeoflive@gmail. com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang. Jackson was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn’t brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be.” you can contact the spell caster on– Templeoflive@gmail.com he’s very nice and great.

  • Tity

    dr_k_healer_of.all_brokenheart@solution4u.com performed the extreme black magic love return spell for me. It was amazing! I saw results within 4 days of the casting. Once he started on the spell castin, Daniel called me. Once the spell was performed we were back together with 4 days. dr_k_healer_of.all_brokenheart  brought my lover back
     Tity- Ohio

  • agularia

    this spell caster have performed several spells for me. What is most amazing is the dramatic thing I have experienced afterwards. With his help, I have manifested many positive things in my life with the spell priestoflovespell@yahoo.com barbiek

  • agularia

    this spell caster have performed several spells for me. What is most
    amazing is the dramatic thing I have experienced afterwards. With his
    help, I have manifested many positive things in my life with the spell
    priestoflovespell@yahoo.com barbiek 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/K7PFN4Y645Y7CCBVG5F4XHGPZQ Κωνσταντίνος

    I had a platonic relationship going on for a few months with a girl
    (she was 22 – I was 31) that I thought was
    really special for me – I fell for her immensely. She was
    trying to battle her baggage from a past unrequited love of hers and
    while figuring out whether a third guy (He was 30,
    but he was much more outgoing, experienced, biker type and
    whatever…) she liked would put more interest in her (didn’t know about him from the start). She also had some father issues because she had
    lost her father when she was a kid.

    Details and such were not getting revealed much or timely enough on me
    (especially concerning the third guy – just another friend supposedly as she stated). But she generally had a small crowd of guy “friends” she prefered over female friends, told me about how she needed time to wait out for her ex’s last chance and that she generally didn’t rush relationships – which I thought was good at the time and I
    adjusted our contact to something more subtle and gradual (maybe one of my mistakes…). In the meantime we had a somewhat regular contact (we hang out about once a week on and off – mostly the two of us – sometimes even until late
    Saturday night-morning etc.) and we spoke on the phone and texted much even at wild morning hours.

    There was not any direct message of interest (or lack of it) but she
    showered me with emotional attraction and connective communication like when we first hit off (I had an amazing approach and a best first date – not physical though).

    In the meantime, with respect to her mixed psychology and
    past issues, I was constantly but subtly paying her attention
    and flirting but never in a clingy way – I was giving her space, a
    relaxed attitude and a kept really cool whenever she had other plans
    and such. I know I made her feel really good.

    There were some vague inconsistencies on her part here and there and an
    occasional warning sign about her character “I wouldn’t stand to
    receive the same things I do to other people myself – I would react
    very bad. But I don’t feel remorse…that’s how I am”, “I don’t
    know what I want and get bored easily” but I was too blind to
    realize at the time.

    This continued with some on and off phases (depending probably on the
    attention intervals she got from the other guy…) for a couple of
    months.

    Until after vacation things became clear and she almost instantaneously
    changed her behavior on me to something more plain and clearly
    friendly – and she then told me in an indirect way
    that she hooked up with him…. I was suddenly treated just like someone she felt obliged to meet in the off time between her real plans…cancelling on me on the last
    instant…or suggesting that we could meet with her girlfriends for
    coffee…(I did not accept and started reacting).

    I gave her a small hint on her user behavior and she resumed some
    temporal fake guilt interest – which I refused to take. In the
    meanwhile I became an emotional wreck and, as I was seeing things
    more clearly about what was happening – including the puppy bait she
    was trying to feed me at the end, and I decided to cut contact.

    I felt it was very pointless to have any explanations given or taken
    and I was feeling having being dealt a bad card. I also felt I should protect her from guilty feelings that aconfrontation would probably induce on her – and spare me even more
    pain from something that would not change. So I just pretended
    I had increased workload and no interest
    until she quickly got the message.

    No begging, no accusations, no name calling, no directing of the real
    mess I was in – nothing…

    I tried analyzing everything that happened and I figured out she
    probably (?) never really considered me a match but enjoyed the attention and emotional support in a time she was feeling she wasn’t getting anything like it from the rest of her
    guy friends. Or maybe I was considered the fall back guy in general. She did go the emotional and mixed messages route to maintain all that despite realizing my feelings and without caring about what would happen of me in the end of it, while she was trying to make it work with the other guy.

    We haven’t talked in like 3 months – the worst of my life so far…

    I faced my all time psychological low, went depressed on losing someone
    that seemed rare and special and all the lucky brake I needed at that
    point in my life…

    I beat up myself too much on many levels – relevant and irrelevant and
    always blamed myself for not having dealt with it differently…not
    having done my homework or something…what if…

    After 3 months of treating myself bad in my depression,
    I am starting to obsess less on it, I think it is becoming
    somewhat blurred in my memory but the bad taste is all there. Plus I came up with all sorts of personal negative introspection to the max…And I wasn’t like that at all before this incident.

    The things that keep me from moving on :

    - The memory of her being really special for me.

    - The fact that I didn’t have a final conversation with her about what
    happened – though I had most of my answers and it was futile to talk
    about things that don’t change. I didn’t want to transfer my terrible
    emotional state on her anyway. So I am not sure if talking to her
    back then was even necessary…I even forgave her instantly inside
    me.

    - I have limited chances socially (mostly due to factors not on my reach
    - though I usually do good with people when I get a chance) to indulge doing other things to seriously help me get going on a more sound basis.
    - The thought she maybe now think bad of me.

    I know I am doing myself injustice but I don’t think I have practical
    options over it and to my happiness and fulfillment. I do realize
    that she is not a factor for me anymore whatsoever though.

  • Martin_payet

    I can relate to EVERY SINGLE WORD, except for 3 things:
     
     - I’m the boy and she was the girl
     - It was 10 years ago that it ended
     - It only lasted 8 months

    Everything else is just so… unbelievably helpful.

      God Bless You and your family.
     Thank you for helping me.
                                                 Martin

  • Michelle

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you ultimate spell.you are truly talented and gifted.Email:ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com

  • Essynessy

    I was talking today with some people over my loss for love as well – it wasn’t as long as your relationship, but my boy had told me the same thing for over a year, and then decided he didn’t feel special with me anymore. This was only 3 nights ago.

    Sometimes we spend all of our lives figuring out who we are as spiritual beings and human beings, sometimes we never really get there. But to be able to open yourself fully to someone you need to be able to live your life, to know what you want and don’t want. This is what will build your confidence from scratch, it also sounds daunting to myself, though I remember before I was with him, I was quite happy alone – I thought that I needed someone to give my love to and receive it from, I was ready to welcome it into my life. I knew what I wanted and needed and that’s the reason he was attracted to me, and me to him. We became so engrossed in each others lives that we forgot who we were and lost our identity – I actually said this and many other things to him during our downfall towards the end. In the end I am grateful because now, even though I feel so much pain, anger and loss, I can pick up from where I left off with the relationship with myself before we got together. Please don’t give up on yourself!!! You always will be special and again to someone else also, you can’t take that away from yourself. Start by accepting the facts, the truth of what has happened and try to end it like a chapter of a book – don’t go back there, you already know what’s happened.

    Try to think about how much you still have to offer to the people around you! I love to make coffee and bake, and now that I am back at my old work place, people appreciate me more and love what I do for them, and I can give more to them because I have more love to give now – nothing and no one else is holding me back :)

    I am someone who keeps to myself and so talking about this was very hard to me, I also found that by telling people ” my boyfriend and I have broken up” especially to the ones who I told ” I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with this one, I will never love another person again!” etc. made it more bearable each time I said this until now, I almost feel like I am healed and ready to fully move on with my life. I do still miss him as part of my life and I do still hope that this was true love and it brings us back together again later down the road.

    I hope you find your peace, one day at a time! take much care 

  • Rita

    I ordered a love spell a few weeks ago and have had incredible results. I have to admit I was a bit skeptical but was willing to try priestoflovespell after all the good comments I read about priest on the web. Now I see a definite change for the better including little things I had visualized during the meditations he had me to do. It tells me how good priestoflovespell@yaoo.com is. 

  • Bcstarks

    I’m trying so hard to let go of my ex girlfriend bit it’s so hard. We were off and on for two years. She was an alcoholic and found out she was abusing Xanax. She ended up getting two DUIs the same year and her parents sent her to rehab. The last time we talked she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me. We were supposed to hang out before she went to rehab but it never happened. She never said goodbye, when she was leaving or when she was returning. I tried contacting her and got zero response. I’ve never been to rehab so I’m not quite sure what she was going through. Fast foward 17 months later and still nothing from her. I’ve seen her twice at bars in between that time and she acts like I never existed. I just don’t understand after everything I’ve done for her why she’d treat me like this. The pain is so unbearable and to the where I feel suicidal. About a month ago, I wrote her a letter telling that I still wanted to be her friend with no strings attached and that I’d always be here for her. It’s obvious she doesn’t want a relationship but more suprising that we can’t be friends just kills me. We were friends long before we ever dated. I’ve never felt so low in my life and wish I could forget but I can’t. It would be different if I had some sort of closure. Someone please make me understand why this is happening to me. It doesn’t matter how much I pray, cry, or workout the pain just won’t leave me. Please help me!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I know it’s difficult to let go when you cared so much and you don’t have a sense of closure. 

    One thing that surprised me in your comment is that you saw your ex-girlfriend in bars after she went to rehab. If she’s been struggling with alcoholism, and she’s *still* going to bars after seeking help, it’s likely she’s just not in a place to be in a healthy relationship with anyone.

    There could be all kinds of reasons why she doesn’t want to be friends with you. Considering that she was struggling during your relationship, it could be that she simply doesn’t want a reminder of that time. It could be that she feels guilty. Or it could be that she just wants to move forward with a clean break.

    Unfortunately, there’s just know way to know unless and until she’s ready to tell you.

    What you wrote in your comment about feeling suicidal really concerns me. Do you still feel this way now? Have you told someone you love and trust about this? Can you promise me that you will reach out to someone if you feel this way again?

    There are hotlines you can call to talk to a qualified professional:

    http://suicidehotlines.com/

    I hope you will use one of these numbers if you’re feeling like hurting yourself. It may not feel like it right now, but you won’t always feel this pain. You will feel better in time, if you can just hold on, lean on people you love, and take it one day at a time!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Kits

    About a month ago, my ex girlfriend broke up with me, and shortly after, I found out she had sex with somebody 6 months before the break up. I recently developed a life-threatening illness, and my life has been pretty awful to be honest, I am currently awaiting a bone-marrow transplant and looking for a donor. She was scared to tell me what she had done because of my whole illness, and it just made things so much harder when I found out. I kept telling myself that things would be ok, as I truly love this girl.

    I went to her house 2 weeks ago, and she tried to kiss me, amongst other things but I didn’t let her. It felt wrong to me at the time. She has called me in the middle of the night telling me she feels sad all the time and she misses me so so much. 

    Yesterday I found out that she has had sex with another guy and is ‘seeing’ him. She has told me that he is a really nice guy and he really cares about her, but yet she still knows that she wont be with him for long she said. This guy gives her lifts to school, work, and lives a few minutes down the road from her, so things are pretty convenient. She’s even told me she doesn’t know if she likes this other guy she’s seeing. I slept on it (finding out about the new guy) last night and i woke up this morning feeling physically sick.

    I still love her regardless of all of this, but I know things will never be the same, because she doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself. I am very lost, she’s told me that she loves me and that she needs me in her life, but I can’t be. Every time I even hear her name, or see something that reminds me of her, I get such a horrible feeling inside me. I really love this girl, and I don’t even really know why I’m sharing this, but I just feel the need to share this with people that won’t judge my whole situation based on my illness and stuff. I know this is quite a deep post and stuff, but this isn’t the kind of thing I can just google. I really don’t know what to do about this one, I love her. 

  • Doris

    My name is Doris, It was just like a dream when my ex husband came back to me begging and crawling on his kneels wanting me to come back to him after 2years. It all happened because of a spell caster called ayelala shrine, I meant him on line and I contacted him. He did a nice job, today am happily married again and our love is getting stronger daily. You can contact him too, I so much believe he can cast any spell for you. Contact him on ayelalashrine@gmail.com

  • Aliasfarren

    Girls don’t usually realize their standing in high school in terms of physical appearance/intelligence/emotional stability. You were probably one of her first loves when she was figuring things out. My first serious boyfriend broke up with me after a year saying he was interested in experiencing other girls. I think he realized pretty quickly I was the best he could do and I was finally letting go and exploring my other options. He apologized and asked if we could get back together. This was 11th grade in high school. I accepted and we dated for two more years, with my feelings for him dying off the entire last year when we were in college. I started focusing on how he held me back in life, was negative, and other things I didn’t like about him. I began to get an idea of how much prettier/smarter than average I am and how average he was, and I felt a new anger that he had the audacity to break up with me to try to get with other girls thinking I would be waiting with open arms. I broke up with him finally and he burst into tears. He wanted to maintain a friendship but I eventually realized he wanted a way to keep up hope we’d get back together. I cut off contact.

    Short version: If you started dating her when she was a high school student, uncertain of her standing and what she values in a partner (even if she was emotionally mature, maybe especially so because those girls tend to undervalue themselves), and she was vulnerable to an older mature guy over high school guys, I don’t think you have any chance with her at all as a more confident college student who understands herself and what she values more now. And not necessarily that she’s out of your league, but she probably views you as part of a learning process and wants to find/experience other guys now that she’s grown and matured. And you don’t have the older/mature advantage over college guys that you did over high school guys.

  • Anonymoose

    Take this time while you’re single to work on yourself! Do things you never had time for. Pick up a new hobby, run a marathon, take a dance class, whatever it may be. Physical activities relieve stress and make you sexier, doubly improving confidence. Think of all the possibilities you have now. Before you can get along with someone else, you have to get along with yourself. Now is the time to deal with inner demons, realize your self worth, make goals, achieve them. You’ll be happier alone, and you’ll be more attractive to the right kind of men.

    Your ex will want you once he realizes how much you’re worth, but you’ll have too many better options to consider getting back with him. Be strong and be happy you’re moving to a better place with more opportunities! :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Kits,

    I understand that need to share what you’re going through. I know you didn’t ask for advice–and honestly, I wouldn’t be sure what to say if you did. But I guess I just wanted to let you know I read this, I understand, and if I can help you in any way, I’m here. 

    I hope you’re feeling okay today, both emotionally and physically. 

    You are in my thoughts,
    Lori

  • anonymoose

    I’m in a relationship right now with a guy I really do care about, but I just graduated college and I’m in a mentality of developing my career, moving all around the world, making new friends, and overall developing as a person. My boyfriend takes it very personally that I want to move away as if it challenges his value as a human being. Maybe she just has different values? My boyfriend is an awesome person, I’m just not in a position to settle down in life. I feel like it’s better to part on good terms then to grow resentful over time about him reducing my freedom and opportunities in life. The girl you’re talking about may feel similar. She may be in a mindset where she wants to have more life experiences, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you/thinks you aren’t important, it might mean her goals and values in life are different.

  • Kits

    thank you very much. 

    I just dont really know where to go from here, I haven’t stopped thinking about her today and I know that I’ll always love her. She called me last week when she was drunk asking me if I had txted  or kissed any other girls, saying ‘I really need to know’ I think that is the night she first had sex with this new guy. She has also sent me photos and asked me to set them as my desktop background and weird little things like that, that just show me she wants me to love her still, but why is she doing that? 

    She has said she wants to speak at least once a week and that she wants to still come over and stuff but I said no and that I won’t be contacting her again, until I am ready. 

    I want her back, but I want her to want to be with me and want to fix things, no matter how hard that is. I think I just want too much though, maybe it’s best that we go our separate ways… 

    thanks for your help

    all the best

  • anonymoose

    I think it’s something typical for men to assign a lot of positive traits and imagine a personality they like for a girl they think is physically attractive, ignoring the signs of reality as they arise. All of my guy friends have done it. The person in your mind who was so special exists only there. Not to say your friend is a bad person, just that you unconsc