Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Mary Dunlop

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Mary Dunlop, a writer and passionate student of life who believes we all have a special gift.

In her contribution for the book, she shares how she learned to be comfortable in her own skin, and how we can learn to accept and embrace ourselves, just as we are.

A little more about Mary…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

My name is Mary. I am a forty-seven year old writer. And, to me, self-love did not come naturally. I really had to work at it until finally finding my way through meditation.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Yes, until I began connecting with myself in meditation I never felt my beauty and, no matter how much validation I received from others, I always felt uncomfortable and self-conscious.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

Yes, sometimes, my lack of pretense. I had been pretending so much in my life that when I finally let that go and worked toward becoming more authentic, I feared some people would view this as a lack of polish.

However, it felt good to smile widely and laugh loudly, and soon I discovered that one of the keys to my personal happiness lied in my ability to be myself and feel good about it.  Reaching that level of awareness also helped me attract people who appreciate me and like me just for me.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

One of my biggest mistakes was constantly comparing myself to others and often viewing myself as inferior.

I spent more than a few years of my life doing that, more time than I put into cultivating my strengths and dreams. Sometimes, I feel badly about that lost time and, when I do, I forgive myself quickly by remembering that at every given time I was doing my best with whatever level of awareness I was at.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I… 

I’ve noticed that the more I like myself the more other people like me too, or at least, I tend to attract those who do. However, every now and then an instance will occur where someone may not like me or speak negatively about me.

When something like this happens, I quickly remind myself of first three paragraphs of Don Miguel Ruiz’s second agreement from his book, The Four Agreements:

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn’t agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally.  If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us.

Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you!  Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream. ”

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

For me, the biggest problem was feeling comfortable in my skin, so to be comfortable with others I always had to look a certain way.

If, God forbid, I had a bad hair day or a couple of extra pounds, I would view everyone else as beautiful swans and me the ugly duckling. Finally, I began to focus within through meditation, more specifically heart centered meditation, and slowly this self-consciousness melted away as I began to see myself in a different light.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

I would say meditate, look within, find your sacred place! Another person can complement you but they can never complete you. Completeness can only be found in having a loving, healthy relationship with yourself.

Society places much emphasis on being coupled, on finding that one soul mate, but don’t worry about that. Focus instead on your personal development and, once you’ve grown to a certain point and reached a certain place within, you will find the right mate, or rather, the right mate will find you.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

I used to have a fear of people finding me to be “not enough”—not pretty enough, not smart enough, not sophisticated enough, not successful enough. So, as a result, I would become the world’s greatest actress and show people someone other than me.

What helped me get past that was taking the time I needed to get to know the real me—my likes, my dislikes, my passions, my talents, and my dreams.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

To take good care of myself mentally and emotionally, I need to take good care of myself spiritually. Consequently, for me, the top three things are:

• Meditation
• Running
• Writing

Through my journey I discovered that, as long as I don’t neglect it, my highly creative soul will always help me find a way to be happy.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

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