John, i sympathize with your feelings and your situation, a lot of us have been there. and lot of us have moved past it as well. so let me start by saying that you will not feel this way forever.

i wont analyze your ex’s words and actions, though a lot could be said about that. if it isnt clear to you that this relationship is over then get there in a hurry. you cant let go unless that happens. remember, there is a big difference between saying that you know its over, and really accepting it deep down that its over.

to determine where you are with that is to listen to your inner dialogue when you are thinking of her and the relationship. for ex. you catch yourself thinking about past events/situations in your relationship, playing them over in your head and editing the script (imagining yourself responding differently from what you actually said i.e. the response you wish you had given). another example is projecting yourself in a relationship with her in the future, being the perfect boyfriend, doing all the right things and imaging the good feelings of how happy the both of you would have been if you had got back together.

if your inner dialogue suggests that you havent accepted that its over between the both of you then letting go becomes much more challenging. when you accept that its over the healing can begin and you can move forward. with acceptance you can start to view your past mistakes as learning opportunities, without acceptance they will gnaw at you as regrets. with acceptance you will break contact with her because you will know its best for both of you, without acceptance you will check your phone 10 times a day to see if she texted.

accepting that something you care about so much is gone is very difficult. think about this way. if this breakup was so difficult for the both of you then the person that each of you was no longer exists, because that person has been through this ‘trauma’ and a new person will emerge from that. the new person that she is now wants nothing to do with the old you. until you move on, you are still the old you and you want the old her (who no longer exists). once you become the new you, you will no longer want the old her. the new you and the new her may reconnect but youre new people at that point so you may not even want each other then. either way, the new you needs to emerge.