Hi Abi,

I went through a similar experience with a guy over the last two years. He was fresh out of a relationship, and while we started great, but after the honeymoon phase of our relationship, he started to bring up his ex in ways that made me feel like he was very much still hung up on her and was comparing the two of us. Like you, I asked him to stop repeatedly, but it was like he literally couldn’t help himself. It turned me into a depressed, anxious mess, and sent me into a tailspin that saw me lose my job and alienate some of my closest friends.

Eventually I realized there was no happily after with him and I cut him out of my life entirely. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and it hurt like hell for months. The recovery came in pieces- first I realized that forgiving him and forgiving myself for getting into the situation were linked, and if I wanted to truly move on and find happiness, I needed to forgive both of us. Holding onto the bitterness or as you called it, anger, only hurt me. A month later, I took myself on a date and saw the first movie I’d seen without him in almost two years, and it hit me- just how much better I felt without him in my life. The final realization I’ve had lately is that if he truly loved me at all, he wouldn’t have treated me the way that he did. He wouldn’t have made me feel so inadequate or unworthy of his time.

My advice to you is to do the same- cut him out of your life. Find a therapist to help you navigate the emotional recovery and to help you rebuild your self-esteem. Lean on your friends to remind you that you’re not alone in this world, and there are people who love you deeply and want to see you happy again. Above all, be kind to yourself and remember that life is a journey. You seem smart, sensitive, and compassionate, and I don’t doubt that you’re capable of achieving anything you put your mind to, but remember to be patient with yourself as well. There’ll be good days and bad days, but eventually you’ll look back and realize how much you learned from this experience and that knowledge will positively impact your relationship when you do find the right guy.