Just feel very unwanted

Dosent matter what I want or deserve. Jake got what he wanted and its my fault if im hurt I did it to myself. Hes never coming back and probably had a plan to get me to trust him. Share enough and care enough to get what he wanted.
I appreciate your answers and thank you for being kind.

Sad thing is Jake may not know that he helped me without even trying. Just saying “go for it” did a lot more then he knows. I only wish he could know. I dont wanna bother he hasnt talked to me since then. I tried just checking on him hoping hes good. But no response. If I didnt do anything wrong then something happened and it sucks not knowing. Maybe being married plays a part. He knew I am married but still let things take place.

guns are not taboo for him. He hunts and fishes so hes grown up around that and has knowledge and probably made a guess why I was thinking about it.
After that day I just happened to find a free class at a church and. Did my permit this past April. Im still working on funds for the firearm but I know what I want. Based off of his suggestion. It is a Sig Sauer P365 which is his suggestion but. The model of that is called Sig Sauer P365 2A coyote edition.

And last year Jake did a demo derby at our local fair and his car number was 2A. Even though 2A for the gun is the 2nd Amendment.
I know nothing much about guns but when I saw that P365 that was the one I want and felt right based on the details for now. Until I can actual go ask questions and get one.

Emotional dynamic

Vince leans heavily on you for emotional support, reassurance, and even daily functioning — often panicking or getting upset when you’re away or busy.

His social anxiety and controlling tendencies make it hard for you to have independence or enjoy outside relationships.

You’ve said he can be unusually nice only when he wants something, but mean or dismissive when upset — a pattern that wears you down.

Communication style

Arguments often involve him putting you down, mocking your age, or saying you’re not dependable.

When he apologizes, it tends to happen after being unkind, so it feels like a cycle — conflict, apology, then repeat.

He sometimes twists situations to make you feel guilty or at fault, even for normal boundaries.
Living situation

You share a home and help pay for it, which ties you financially to him.

He’s expressed wanting to move into a smaller space, which could further reduce your personal space.

You’ve said if you split, you’d struggle with where to go and how to cover expenses, which makes leaving feel unsafe or unrealistic right now.
Your feelings

You’ve admitted you’re not sure you even like being married to him anymore.

You’ve stopped showing him love in the ways you naturally give (gifts, affection) because you feel disconnected.

You’ve expressed a wish for a relationship that feels “completely different” — one where you can give your love freely and feel safe.

With Vince, im in a relationship where my needs and independence often take a backseat to his anxieties, moods, and expectations. Ive become more of a caretaker or stabilizer than an equal partner, and the emotional cost is making me question staying — even though finances and housing make leaving hard. Not to mention stressed,tired,I end snapping back or equally saying something mean back. I dont want to be like that at all. I hate it.

I think ive heard that word before from someone else. Thats what ghosting does. Why did he do that to me? Didn’t think he was like that. Why keep me connected as friend if he got what he wanted and decided not to do it again. I was told he got what he wanted and it dosent mean anything else and he may or may not come back when he wants it again.

Why share personal things and be quiet and gentle and let sex happen if he was gonna dissappear and not talk to me again. Why me? I asked him that question before anything ever happened. He responded with because I seem willing and he has no one else. I am more confused then anything else. This ghosting stuff has never happened to me before.

If he cant stay why did he decide to meet me when I asked. He didnt have to…I was just for sex and curiosity. He said after “thats much better”. Why come out if he was tired and hott and shared personal things i didnt ask for just to leave after and not talk again.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful message. It really helped me slow down and think about things from a different angle. I keep going over every little thing in my head, wondering if I caused him to shut down or disappear… but maybe you’re right. Maybe it wasn’t about me at all.

It’s hard not to take it personally when someone shows up with tenderness and then just… leaves. That moment meant a lot to me, and it’s confusing to think it could’ve been scary for him instead of meaningful. But I do see now that he might have been responding to something from his own past — something I couldn’t see or fix, even if I wanted to.

I’m still sitting with all of this, trying to figure out what to do with the ache of not knowing, and the hope that maybe it wasn’t all one-sided. I just want to be understood and not feel so lost in it. Your words made me feel a little more seen, so thank you again for taking the time.

Warmly,
Adalie