Dear Anita:

Wow that sounds amazing. I love long walks by the ocean, the breeze, the salty air, it brings you back to life. I am glad you have the opportunity to do those walks. I was thinking of going to the desert one of these days. It’s always been one of my favorite sceneries… there is something about the silence in the desert, the sand, the plants, the rocks, the dry air, and the isolation, that has always made me feel at peace. It could be a nice place to do some meditation in a moment like this.

I’ll get back to you soon!

Enjoy your evening

Dear Anita:

That is really interesting so thank you for this new point of view… I feel like I need to say that I remember she did the best she “thought” she could to make me have a nice time in kindergarten, she always waited outside… and a lot of days she let me stay at home instead of going… but sometimes I just had to go because it was normal for any kid to go to kindergarten and it just felt like the right thing to do. As an adult now, I think avoiding kindergarten completely would’ve created even a major shock between me and the outside world, especially when the first day of elementary school would’ve come. Therefore I can’t see her as an enemy that forced me to cry in pain and without listening to my cry, she was listening, but I guess she was also trying to do the right thing, or as you said, what other people might have told her the right thing was…

With that being said, I absolutely am ready to also invest energy to consider a point of view of a mother that didn’t do the right thing… and of a mother that could’ve done better.

What is the first step of an emotional learning journey?

That sounds wonderful.

Sounds good, have a nice evening and talk to you later.

Thank you Anita!!

I had a great day. I received some beautiful balloons from my family, a few gifts from friends, had a very nice walk on the beach (with face mask and gloves) and I had some tasty tacos for dinner. It was better than what I expected!

Back to our conversation, I have confusing memories regarding when I started stuttering. I was little, around the age of 4 or 5, and  I don’t remember much about it but one day I had an accident in our garden when I was that age. I got stung by a huge type of black bee that is common in Italy where I grew up, and my family had to rush me to the hospital immediately. I remember that they had to take out all the venom from behind my ear (where the bee had stung me) and it had to be done quickly and without anesthesia. My mom always said that that was a huge shock for me, and she remembers that I started stuttering from that moment… but I don’t remember anything about it, I have a foggy memory of a scene in the hospital, but nothing really vivid at all.

So I don’t know if that was the cause… or maybe part of it… maybe it caused me to have severe anxiety at that age, when a young kid starts to articulate words and to speak better, and therefore this anxiety feeling started attacking my fear of speaking in public. But I’m not really sure about it… What do you think?

Regarding the time before that moment… I wouldn’t know what to say… I was very little and I have mixed memories, I can’t visualize what age I was in these memories, if prior or after the bee accident. I remember being a happy kid though, even from pictures and videos you could tell that I was (and still am) very loved from my family.

Hope you had an amazing day today and that this evening will bring even better vibrations.

Dear Anita…

I just wanted to start by sharing with you the beauty of this evening, I’m currently sitting at the table in my garden and I’m meditating on your answer. The air is so fresh and clean and it has a little summer breeze… it is the perfect temperature as well, and I just wanted to take a little bit of time to stay in this present moment and acknowledge it.

Back to the topic of conversation, Contentment is definitely the word I was thinking of. And thank you for clarifying what happiness really represents.

You said “the more congruent your thoughts and beliefs are with reality, the less you suffer, the more mentally healthy and content you are.” I really like this perspective and I can visualize it as the best way of living a life. But to go into detail, what is an example of congruent thought with reality? Let’s say for example my situation… I have a problem with staying in the present moment because most of the time I am worried about where to escape next, where to seek for the better next dimension, so what would be a congruent thought that I would have to start thinking of?

I also just had a realization.

There is something that I haven’t shared with you yet, a part of myself that has always defined me.

It is something really private, and something that I just recently started to feel more comfortable in sharing, but that has always been buried underground in the deep caves of my mind… hidden. And I am proud of myself to have found the courage to share it, to bring it to the light..

Since I was a little kid, I have always had issues with a speech disorder I have. Stuttering.

I don’t remember the exact moment I started stuttering, but when I was a little kid I remember that it was a huge weight I always carried on my shoulders… I still do, but now it’s different.

I remember being bullied by some students at school, but luckily I always had people around me who would protect me (from amazing teachers, parents and friends) But still some words penetrated my brain and took place in my memory.

The biggest bully was myself though. Me against myself. I never liked this side of me at all, I mean, would you blame me? I wouldn’t say I had the worst case of stuttering, sometimes, on a good day you couldn’t even notice… but it is what happens inside of a person who stutters that is the real problem… the real frustration… that sense of “I can’t do it… I can’t say it” and also… that sense of… “let me find another way to say it”… “let me escape this sense of fear and humiliation”.

That is why I’m saying realization… because… This feeling of “If I say this word I’m going to stutter so let me escape from that word and find a better and similar one” goes hand in hand with the “I was born in a small town that doesn’t represent me so I need to find another one”… don’t you think?

Growing up you learn how to manage this disorder (unless it’s  associated with other disorders that could cause a more serious condition), you learn which words are easier for you to say… how to relax more, or to manage your anxiety. I have worked so much like a surgeon in order to meticulously find the best words to say in every situation… And I’d say I am pretty content of my achievements. Meditation and breath control are also an incredible help for a person with this disorder, since the control of your breath is a key point in order to not stutter. (and to speak better in general even for non stuttering people).

But do you think that stuttering is also another key point, another little trauma, to add to this conversation? To escape and find better words to say to not stutter has always been more than a habit… but more like a way to survive a situation… but do you think that this sense of “escape” is really rooted in my mind more than I thought?

Let me know what you think… And good morning, hope this day is an amazing one for you.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Al.

Dear Anita:

Yes I live in Los Angeles, and thank you for the recommendation. Tai Chi sounds really interesting, and I would love to try it (once the world returns to normal). Meanwhile I’ll start reading about it and getting informed.

Also, I saw a beautiful post in the category “Emotional Mastery” titled “Emotional Learning Journey”, and I found some similarities in what we have discussed. Do you think I should go more in details within myself or have we already discovered 100% the root of my discomfort?

I don’t know how to thank you enough, you are really helping me a lot in this phase I am going through and I feel like thank you is not enough. I appreciate you.

Dear Anita:

Yes… I can definitely relate to what you said… I feel like “not being satisfied” is a parasite that has always lived inside of my body without even realizing it. And that is insane because if someone would’ve told me where I’d be now when I was a teenager I would’ve said that you’re joking, because where I am right now (living in the USA, working in the entertainment industry) is actually more than what I could’ve dreamed of… and yet… I’m here not feeling satisfied.

I feel like there is some weird energy around this birthday as well… I’m starting to feel the unnecessary feeling of the clock ticking and its another thing that causes me dissatisfaction. But am I really worried about turning 28 or is this parasite having fun and playing tricks on my mind making me think I’m dissatisfied?

Sometimes parts of you take over, and you can become their puppet if you don’t react, and I really want to react.

You opened my eyes on a chapter in my life that I wasn’t even considering… I was so focused on what happened from my “Australia phase” and never really paid attention on the “Small town phase”. You gave me a great birthday gift Anita, you gave me a new perspective!

What should I do now to dive deeper? What would be the next step to feel better? And how do we attack this parasite in my mind?

Hope you’re having a great day, and thank you.

Dear Anita:

Great point! Wow!

It’s like the “small town” became an internal feeling more than something external.

I can feel it… The constant desire to escape a situation, never compromising. But this could end up being an eternal run for some kind of Utopia. It’s like I keep running and escape small towns but maybe… what I need to do is to slowly destroy that small town I have inside of me, and build a paradise that could stay with me no matter where I am in life…

Maybe was that small town I grew up in a sort of trauma?

Was the feeling and the fear of being misunderstood and out of place the reason why my soul can’t just settle? Always remembering the past… or focused on a future that hasn’t even manifested yet… hardly ever living the present, because maybe there is a chapter in my past that I haven’t fully closed yet?

What do you think Anita?