Dear Tommy

I’m glad to hear that music helps you! 🩵

Yes, I’m only really starting to explore the impact of music on mood. Any recommendations are welcome. 🙏

Dear Anita

I understand why you feel the way you feel and respect it. 🤍

I’m just a different person and see things differently. I’ve been on a quest to forgive my mother for 10 years. Now, I’m starting to think that I forgave her when I said goodbye. But forgiving someone doesn’t stop memories from hurting. Maybe the underlying goal was to stop hurting. That isn’t how life works though.

How I feel is not a commentary on your experience though. Our journeys are very personal. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. 🤍

You have been through a lot and you deserve to handle things in a way that makes you comfortable. 🤍

If I can forgive my mother and I can forgive my rapist, I think I need to work on being a lot kinder to myself because I’m not being fair to myself.

On the one hand, a broke, traumatised, mentally ill teenager having children. Completely alone.

On the other, the abused children of unfit parents. Completely alone.

The story writes itself.

You didn’t deserve everything you went through. With all of the abuse, good moments few and far between don’t make up for it. They just were.

What happened to you was not okay. It makes me angry thinking about it. You deserved to be protected. Instead, she hurt you… a lot. Over and over again.

Maybe I shouldn’t empathise with her because of what she did?

It’s okay. 🥺 I loved her and hated her. I just didn’t want to be hurt, so I left.

I’m still angry about what happened. Anyone would be.

It’s been a long time. Half of my life. My life is full. It feels far away.

But you still feel it, in your body. It could be worse. In your life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.

Maybe next time. I can be angry and thankful. 🙏 🩵

It wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t taught things like understanding other people. Or that I’m autistic. It wasn’t my fault for being sensitive.

It wasn’t my fault that her life was difficult. Life is just like that sometimes. You take the good with the bad. Try to make more of the good, of course.

I’m thankful that I had some nice experiences that I got to carry through my life and share with my son.

I really did try my best. To help at home, to take care of my brother, my mum and the dog.

I tried my best, but I wasn’t a grown up. It was too much for me. And the abuse was too much for anyone. So I guess it was natural to hate her. That is the situation I was put in with a mother that struggled to exist. I didn’t understand why she said and did the things she did. I was a kid, she blamed me. As people do when they are in difficult situations, blame the person in front of them. But I was a child so I just went okay well it must be true. I was a bit of an arse sometimes. That is what happens when your parent is an arse. It rubs off. I still tried my best. Even though I wasn’t and am not perfect, I’m still good enough. Always have been.

If things were different, it would have been a lot easier. Some families are lucky to be in better situations. I’m lucky to be in a better situation as a parent. I’m really trying my best.

Being an older parent I’m lucky. I feel like I wasn’t ready or mature enough when I was younger.

Sometimes she played board games with us. Sometimes we climbed mountains with the church.

I spent so long, angry at her for how much she hurt us. I spent so long trapped in those traumatic and difficult memories. Unable to think of anything else.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I get angry with other people because I am angry at her. I don’t want it to touch other parts of my life.

I’m here for you always. No matter what. Anything you need I’m here for you.

It’s okay to be angry. It tells you when boundaries are crossed. You were hurt so much.

In a way, she taught me what not to do as a parent.

Anger can make sure it will never happen again.

It can’t happen again. I’m not a child anymore. Anger doesn’t keep us safe. The lessons from our experiences do.

I’m so sorry that she did those things to you. It must have been so hard and scary. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you. But I am now. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to cry. Let it out.

Sometimes anger can make things worse.

Yes, but even so. It is good to accept emotions. To be accepted. It is not healthy to shut a part of ourselves away forever. So be angry for as long as you need to be.

Anger and anxiety go hand in hand. She cannot hurt you anymore. You’re safe with me. You’re allowed to feel. I accept all of you. 🩵

It’s hard to feel complete when I’m always changing.

Complete or not, I think you’re doing a good job. Uncertainty is hard.

I’m always afraid of becoming her. She told me I would.

Did you hear your baby laugh today? Did you see him smile?

I’m glad he’s happy. He’s safe. I keep him safe. In keeping him safe, I keep myself safe. Why don’t I feel safe even when I am?

History. Biology.

You’re safe. You should get some sleep. You are safe. I’ll take care of you and watch you sleep. 🩵

Mummy I want to go home. You are home. You’re safe and loved. 🫂

Dear Anita

Sorry for the delay. I did write a reply yesterday, but I lost it when I tried to submit it. Sadly, I just gave up. 😔 🤍

I’m so glad to hear that Bogart is feeling more like his usual self! I hope that yogurt helps you to feel better soon. 🤍

Thank you! It’s not been a difficult illness for him thankfully. He’s getting better now.

I have it, it’s not great breathing wise for me at the moment. I think with the last virus being tough on my lungs they haven’t fully recovered yet. I just looked it up, apparently it can be genetic and in children it is usually allergy related. I didn’t know that.

Thanks, it helps to be in touch with kind people who are going through the same thing and it is important to try and socialise my son, so he can learn how to interact with others.

I think my friends are going to be going through so much more than me. One just had a second baby and the other has twins on the way. 🤍