Hi The Meditator

I have one of those too. 😂 So they’re both quite young and involved at home. You’re about half way. When a child is 12 they have spent 75% of the total time that you will spend together.

Do you have any family support? Someone who can take them off your hands now and then to have a date with your wife? 🩵

It’s hard to talk about things and easy to feel lost when you don’t have a lot of one on one time together though.

Oh that’s reassuring. Well they might have some tips for communicating. It it goes well no harm, and if it is not going so well you can always quit.

Is there anything in particular that you are trying to say to your wife? 🩵

What does she mean by not there yet?

I think when there are difficulties there’s an urge to find a resolution quickly, but realistically these things take time.

There’s a book I found helpful. Secure love – Create a relationship that lasts a lifetime by Julie Menanno. The Gottman institute is a website with an interesting blog about relationships. The couple that runs it are experts. One of the things that they found determines if couples stay together happily or not is the number of positive interactions being higher than the number of negative ones.

Good luck with everything! 🩵

Hi The Meditator

Yeah, uncertainty sucks and the stakes are high. It’s a lot. 🩵

Can I ask how old the kids are and how many you have? I only ask because in no way is this meant to blame the kids, but relationship dissatisfaction is shown in studies to increase with each child. Being a parent is just really hard work and relationships suffer when you don’t have that level of time together anymore.

Well do you love your wife? Loving someone means wanting them to be happy, even if things change.

Hmm watch out for couples therapy, most couples use it when they’re splitting up. If you look it up you’ll see that statistically it’s what it’s used for.

Keep going with the individual therapy, that can be really useful.

What exactly are the difficulties in the relationship? I think if you work hard on handling the things that you need to, that maximises your chances of success, which means less stress and uncertainty. 🩵

Do you have difficulty trusting your wife?

Hi Young

Well you haven’t done anything wrong at all. So why are you blaming yourself?

There is a difference between thoughts and actions. We can’t control what pops up in our minds. We can control what we choose to do.

Everyone has thoughts that they’re not proud of sometimes, but it doesn’t mean anything about you as a person.

It’s totally normal to be attracted to other people, as long as you don’t act on it. That is what loyalty means. 😊

Is there anything you like to do for fun to distract yourself and relax? 🩵

Hi Nea

I’m so sorry for the stress this has brought you. People don’t realise how helpful a peaceful environment is for the mother when raising a newborn. How are you and baby Maya doing? 🩵

Your husband might not have been beaten when he was growing up. But it doesn’t seem like his home was healthy either. He might have some previous experiences with being ignored by family? 59 days is a stretch of time that most people wouldn’t be comfortable with. My parents ignored me, but never for that long. And unfortunately, what he said to you… threatening to leave… he might have been exposed to some verbal abuse growing up. Do I remember correctly that he’s currently estranged from his family? Maybe this situation has brought up some memories for him as well as the stress of the situation?

I wouldn’t expect him to do anything, sadly at least while he’s in the same house. Maybe he will feel less stressed in his own home? It’s not very nice to be staying in someone else’s home in the middle of a dispute after all. I’m kind of amazed that he’s managed to stay in the same house. I imagine he’s just focused on trying to support you? 🩵

Yeah, your dad started this and definitely went overboard in the argument and slighted your husband with not congratulating him on the birth of your daughter as well as the 59 days of stonewalling. It’s such a shame. 🫂

I hope things go well for the celebration! Wishing you all the best! 🩵

Hi Sleipnir

I’m sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through, even one of those things is a lot. You’ve been through so much. 🩵

Yeah, I had a bad childhood and was sexually assaulted as a young adult. I also have autism. I forgave my mother who severely abused me and the guy who assaulted me. But that doesn’t mean I’m in touch with them. I just did it on my own because it’s safer that way. It took me a long time. About 15 years after the events. I think time is important.

I don’t think forgiving is the same as condoning and it doesn’t take away from the severity of the events. I still have PTSD.

I did some research on autism and trauma a while back to try and understand its effects. Autists are more likely to develop PTSD. There is a tendency to focus on negative memories. I think part of healing for autists is learning to focus on more positive things (gratitude journaling and meditation helped me with that). 🩵

I don’t know if forgiveness is the key to healing. I think there are a lot of things to it and it’s all part of one big journey. What forgiveness does do is relieve you of the resentment towards a person. If that makes sense?

I’d be happy to talk about that more if you’re still interested? Or anything you’re interested in talking about. 🩵

I read something from a monk who was tortured by soldiers. He said that if they hadn’t done what they did they would have been killed. That was his route to forgiveness.

My mother was very young and a single mother when she had my brother and I. She had untreat serious mental health issues (which she had tried to get treatment for and the doctor dismissed her) and was an alcoholic and had been abused herself growing up. For a while now, I have been making an effort to focus on more positive memories with her as opposed to just remembering the bad. It’s helped me to see her more as a whole person, not just the trauma.

Also, I had my own child and I experienced some mental health issues associated with childbirth. I was very lucky in that I had a lot of therapy before, so when I got therapy for the post partum OCD I bounced back quite quickly. I cannot imagine what the experience would be like for people who haven’t had access to quality therapy before having children if they’ve experienced a lot of trauma.

Hi Nea

Thanks for your kindness and understanding. Not to worry, I was just worried I’d put my foot in my mouth. Not my intention at all. 🩵

Oh that’s really good. I’m glad it is still going to be okay to visit. Hopefully things will feel a bit more normal for you both once you’ve had a bit of space. 🙏

That makes sense and I think it’s a good idea not to bring anything like that up with your dad while you are both staying there. 😊

I think it’s really difficult especially with two families because the family culture itself can be very different. What may be acceptable in one might not be in the other? And it’s hard because even when arguments happen, you can’t expect your partner to step away from their family before they are ready to. It’s a very personal decision.

Maybe it’s just I’ve had a volatile family but the argument doesn’t sound that bad to me?

Yeah, I totally agree with you about culture and respect for elders.

I’m sorry that your husband didn’t wish your dad happy birthday. It sucks that your father didn’t congratulate the birth of baby Maya either.

I think the difficulty with your father and your husband ignoring each other is this is an abusive behaviour in itself. It’s called stonewalling. It’s not a healthy behaviour. To ignore someone you live with for 20 days is a lot.

The thing is that it’s not even about age. The more reasonable person tends to make the move first. Because unreasonable people are set in their ways. The only way to “win” against an unreasonable person is to be unreasonable yourself. It’s not even about teaching a lesson or who wins. It’s a question of who your husband wants to be.

This is a depressing and stressful situation for you to deal with after having a baby. I’m so sorry. Hang in there. You’ll be in your own home again soon. 🩵

Sorry if that sounds a little confrontational. I’m genuinely asking. Like has anyone asked your father to apologize to your husband? Is any of this even culturally possible? 🩵

Hi Peter

I enjoyed the expansion of the story and don’t think you’re foolish. 😊

It sounds like it’s pointing towards something that you’ve mentioned before with judgement being an issue?

I never really understood it before, but I’m starting to notice it more in my own thoughts. I guess I just took things at face value. Nowadays, I’m trying not to as much.

Even judgement can contain some truth. But is it helpful, or compassionate? It raises a question about how we want to live our lives. Perhaps that’s the beauty of the story and potential multiple endings. We all get to choose. 🩵