Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! You have come a long way too. ❤️

These things are easier said than done. It is a long journey and I still have a way to go. I daresay it is the journey of a lifetime.

For me, it really has been essential to stop identifying with these automatic negative thoughts because it helps with stepping back and seeing the big picture. I’m still working on this too. 😊

The way I think of it is that they are something that I don’t have control over. They do have an influence on emotions. But emotions pass and when I feel calmer, I feel like I have a more accurate rational perspective as opposed to an instinctual emotional one.

I would call myself a novice when it comes to meditation actually. It wasn’t that hard to do, it was very much made easy by the guidance of a very skilled teacher. It was harder to learn to apply some of the skills developed outside of meditation.

I really did struggle with meditation alone. I feel like I wouldn’t have been able to achieve the same results without the teacher. I was able to communicate the issues I was experiencing and they provided some helpful advise for navigating the problems.

It is difficult to say if one thing was key because it was all part of the puzzle. If I had to pick one thing that helped… I would say some pretty incredible people. I really do believe that the people in our lives help to shape our minds. I have learned so much from others. Yourself included Anita! 🙏

I would love to hear some more of your thoughts and experiences! ❤️

Hi Anita and Peter

Thank you both for sharing! ❤️

It is fascinating to learn that other people are connecting compassion with history. I have started to do that too in more recent years. I think about the difficulties that people had to deal with in different time periods.

I would agree with you Peter. ❤️

I think I’m just a different kind of person. I grew up emotionally numbing and not feeling emotions. I have this off switch where I can just choose to turn them off when they get too overwhelming.

I had to learn in therapy to tolerate the intensity of my emotions to even feel them. The therapist taught me to do this by connecting to the experience.

So I never really developed the habit of analysing my emotions, thoughts or the experience.

That is not to say that I don’t have automatic negative thoughts, because I do sometimes.

I have also experienced automatic negative thoughts being really distressing.

To answer your question Anita. I recognise them creeping in when I notice my thoughts becoming more negative.

I don’t know if eradicating these thoughts is possible. I know that it is possible to reduce the frequency in a number of ways.

I have learned to see these thoughts as a habit and a recording of my trauma. I try to think who they remind me of. I find it easier to deal with by not identifying with them as my thoughts. I tend to think of my controlled and conscious thoughts as my own.

I see it as a form of self-abuse and try to assess the reality of automatic negative thoughts. It helps me to counter them, but takes a lot of practice. I also don’t like getting too upset with my health issues because stress makes it worse and of course having a child, I cannot take care of him to the best of my ability if I am upset. Meditation was really helpful for me because it taught me to still my mind and accept the presence of all thoughts without being disturbed by them. It was not easy to learn to do though and took a lot of time. I was lucky in that I had a skilled meditator who was able to teach me and figure out ways to overcome some of the challenges that my mental health issues posed. Of course, practicing self-compassion is helpful too. I found that being able to counter negative thoughts was largely dictated by self-compassion.

It is a really unique and challenging process to learn to step back from emotions whilst remaining connected to them.

Well done on countering the negative thoughts Anita! Rock on girl! ❤️

Hi Miss Duchess

You did a really great job of considering situation and what you would do differently.

There are some more steps to forgiving someone. Understanding them and empathising with them.

I think that you were spot on when you said that she was taking her difficulties out on you.

Ah so she was an international student. Was she staying up late to talk to friends and family back home?

It was unfortunate that you were placed with an international student. Do you think there might have been some cultural differences?

I’m sorry that you had this experience. It is difficult to live in such an unfriendly environment.

I would think that she would have difficulties with the living situation too. It must have been hard for her being across the world from her friends and family, living with someone that she was incompatible with. What do you think?

I can understand that it hurts feeling like you missed out on an experience. There is a saying that comparison is the thief of joy. That is not to say you should find joy in a difficult situation. Just that you cannot change the past, but you can have some good experiences and develop new friendships now.

It is good to hear that you have some close friends, but a shame to hear that you don’t live near them. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. It might be worth making an effort to meet some new people and try to make some friends whilst you stay there. Perhaps there are some clubs that interest you? Or hobbies that you enjoy?

Hi Everyone

I’ve been working on self-compassion again. I’ve been working on managing my needs and boundaries. I think it has been very helpful. I feel that things are less stressful and more peaceful.

I’m someone who habitually doesn’t pay attention to my own needs and prefers to focus on other people. It has been a journey, getting to know myself and meeting needs that I have ignored for so long.

I’m working on my compassion for others when people are rude too. My goal is to be able to listen without being triggered and respond with love.

Hi Anita

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights! I’m glad to hear you are okay and I miss speaking to you too. ❤️

I think that the advice about healing is very beneficial.

I’m glad that you are on the road of healing and recovery. You deserve it after everything you have been through.

It is hard to change things that are so deep rooted at such a young age. Raising my son I can’t help but consider all of my words and the ways in which it might affect him.

With love I say it is the nature of children to disobey their parents. They are exploring the world. They don’t know any better. And sometimes they do, but their self-control isn’t developed yet. Negative attention is still attention and there are many tantalising things that might seem worth chancing being chastised.

Raising a child is like training a puppy. You cannot expect anything young to take in a huge amount of information in one go. It takes training little by little, so as not to overwhelm and encourage retention of information. This means being patient and letting some things slide. Understanding that they will learn more as they get older.

Hi Anita and Peter

I just wanted to say that I love the conversation that is happening! ❤️

I haven’t had much time to write because of my studies recently. I have been busy with group projects and exams.

I hope to find a chance to write some this week. 🙏

Both of you keep being awesome! 😄

Hi Everyone

I think the difficulty with severe abuse is that it causes structural issues – brain damage as well as deregulating the nervous system. It is not just that there is attachment. If only it were as simple as attachment.

I truly don’t believe that language is the issue. As I pointed out infants have a full grasp of language at 18 months, they even have memories that last for 9 months at that stage. Language is not the problem. Memory is not the problem. Sense of self is a cornerstone of child development and an infant doesn’t have much of one. It doesn’t develop until the tween years. One of the difficulties severe trauma causes is impairment of sense of self.

Children have total reliance on their caregivers. From a young age their parents define what is right and wrong for them. What is dangerous, what is safe. Reinforcing behaviours that the parents value. The child experiences emotional attunement towards their caregiver. There is a huge amount of control parents have over their children and that is why parental abuse is so damaging.

People with severe trauma have to deal with unpleasant experiences of trauma re-emerging. Learning to accept it, let it happen and let it pass. That is the reality of dealing with these issues. Treating ourselves with compassion when these difficulties occur is vital.

Perhaps I’m approaching this with the knowledge of an infant that developed PTSD at 4 years old. I was never a happy child. I simply did my best to cope with my environment. Children experience the same difficulties that adults can if they are exposed to the same traumatic environment. I honestly don’t see much difference between adults and children. More understanding of the world. More experience and the ability to choose what we would like to do with our lives. Meta cognition as well realise that we do have the ability to shape our own minds.