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August 4, 2025 at 2:36 pm #448174
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
It is a nice story Peter! Thank you for sharing. I only wish I didn’t get so confused with metaphors. ❤️
Personally, I find compassion and self-compassion are equally important. With effort it is possible to learn to manage them both in a way that is healthy for everyone. Managing both simultaneously is difficult to learn to do though. It takes a lot of time and practice. A lot of listening and reflecting, empathising with another person’s experience.
Like Yin and Yang, they can form a whole method of communication. I’m still learning. I just realized today that it isn’t just about communication per say, but feelings and beliefs can scare us. Not just our own, but other peoples. I’m not sure how to navigate this yet. My immediate guess is a combination of challenging my own perspectives, self-regulation and being more open with positive feedback to reassure people. I’ll see how it goes. ❤️
I guess it is true what they say, mind your thoughts because other people pick up on them somewhat. 😂
August 4, 2025 at 2:00 pm #448173AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I’m so glad that you came to that realisation with your Mother and found peace. You deserve it! ❤️
It’s good to hear that you see that when you were a child you didn’t do anything wrong and that your Mother being unhappy wasn’t your fault.
That’s interesting that you had such a level of insight at such a young age. I’m trying to work on shifting my perspective myself. I can fixate on the negative sometimes. It is a shame that your Mother was never open to working on it.
To be fair, those are some nice ideas. I’m glad you benefitted from them and managed to heal from the religious trauma and self worth issues. Since having a child, I’ve developed a parental mindset. I’ve found that it helps me sometimes to imagine that I am my own parent.
Oh yes, I totally agree. I think it’s difficult when they are young because they don’t have much of a concept of identity at the moment. I know that he really likes cars. I’m more of a dinosaur person. He didn’t show an interest. Most other things he seems to copy. He’s not a fan of new things though. He really doesn’t want to sit on his potty. I’m bribing him with stories. He isn’t afraid to tell you when he doesn’t like something. 😂
I think mistakes are an important part of learning and I think people would be less stressed in general if they didn’t see them as such a bad thing.
I’m sorry to hear that your Mother criticised you so much. I can relate to that experience. It seems like it was more your Mother’s character than anything that you were doing. It really is damaging dealing with that constant negativity, especially when it is focused on you as a person.
Yes, I definitely agree about the boundaries. In a parenting class I went to they said to raise your voice if there was actual danger. But otherwise just say no, avoid, distract or ignore undesirable behaviours. I thought it was a really good class!
That’s a really nice idea. I will try my best to focus on showing myself loving kindness. Did you find that strategy helped you?
Yes, I’ve read a lot of parenting advice like that. I do think it is important to apologize after making mistakes and focus on repair after conflict. I think because of my trauma, I’m just extremely uncomfortable with conflict in general.
That’s all very kind of you to say Tee! You’re a sweetheart. It’s been lovely chatting ❤️
August 2, 2025 at 9:28 pm #448143AlessaParticipantIt means having the courage to sit with another person’s feelings and hold space for them even when they are uncomfortable. ❤️
August 2, 2025 at 9:18 pm #448142AlessaParticipantExtending grace towards others means having courage to open our hearts and consider others perspectives. Needs of people are often different. This means that people are often hurt if things aren’t handled very carefully.
August 2, 2025 at 2:05 pm #448138AlessaParticipantHi John
I think trying your best is all that matters. Don’t you? It’s all anyone can do. ❤️
Clearly you care, it is okay to worry about things that you care about. 😊
Hmm I would suggest that sometimes frustration isn’t about you necessarily, but the task and potentially mood issues as well. I know that I ask for help with tasks that I’m having difficulty with. I don’t really like asking for help. Sometimes I feel frustrated when things don’t work out even after asking for help. It does suck when these things happen when you are already tired. It is harder to deal with for that reason. I don’t know if you feel this might be relevant at all?
Sometimes people take things personally and feel hurt if they feel like they work harder at things than others. It can make them feel like people don’t care. Do you think your partner has a similar perspective?
That being said, it is normal for people to have different energy levels, different standards of how things should be done. There is no right way to do things. It is okay for mistakes to happen, for things to be forgotten. It happens to everyone.
I feel like life is really busy. There is always more work to be done. It is important to take a break and take care of yourselves. It sounds like your partner is a bit burnt out and needs some extra TLC. With your anxiety, you probably need that too! ❤️
Have you talked to her about how you feel when she uses a tone or makes a comment? Not at the time of course, but later on when she’s calmed down. Have you talked to her about her feelings about when mistakes are made or when things are forgotten?
As for not having disagreements. Relationships thrive on positive interactions. It is okay to give her some time to cool off. Try not to think of it as her being mad at you, she is calming down and trying to feel better, as well as reducing the chance of a disagreement.
What do you think? ❤️
August 2, 2025 at 11:43 am #448133AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I think grace works in two ways. Grace for yourself and grace for others. I think both are mutually important. All people are equal, deserve equal respect and it is beneficial to co-operate and show love. ❤️
August 2, 2025 at 11:29 am #448132AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I don’t understand. But it’s your decision. Clearly you don’t want to talk.
August 2, 2025 at 10:58 am #448130AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Sure, I’ll stop responding to your posts. I’m very sorry you feel that way.
August 2, 2025 at 4:49 am #448125AlessaParticipantHi John
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling anxious and inadequate around your wife. What kind of things does she get upset about? When there is a tone or a curt remark what about it bothers you most? The idea of her being upset with you? Being afraid of a disagreement? Do
you feel disrespected? Are you sometimes not sure what the problem is? Or is it something else? I ask because understanding what exactly about these things that hurts can be helpful. ❤️August 1, 2025 at 3:45 pm #448103AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I think what has helped me is that understanding that underlying conflict is often a desire to connect.
Seeing the whole of a person over time, helps me to have faith in them. Not just how they interact with me, but how they interact with others.
Understanding that language is imperfect, it is easy to hurt others unintentionally. Trying to understand the perspectives of people who might have misunderstood me is important and trying to avoid misunderstandings is too.
Unconditional love is about understanding that even good people sometimes make mistakes, because no one is perfect. It involves having faith that when someone makes mistakes it isn’t about me. Perhaps something else is going on in their life? Perhaps they are just not feeling so good? Perhaps they are dealing with past trauma?
Giving people chances to prove that my fears are unfounded is helpful.
Of course, all of this applies to good people.
❤️ ❤️
August 1, 2025 at 2:53 pm #448102AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I don’t think Tee meant to hurt you at all. I believe that Tee was talking about the same thing I was. I just phrased it differently. As Tee said, she was in a hurry. Sometimes people don’t phrase things perfectly in a hurry. She made additional posts clarifying her intent and apologized multiple times.
I know that it is hard for you to trust people that you’ve had disagreements with in the past and it takes time to build that trust. These things are hard for me too.
Tee is hurt too now, because she cares.
Sometimes when we fear criticism, judgement, or anything else. It isn’t really happening currently, just the pain of the past echoing in the mind. ❤️
August 1, 2025 at 2:05 pm #448100AlessaParticipantHi Tee
Thank you for your support, kindness and of course for sharing too! ❤️
The deep breathing is important for me to remember. I don’t do that enough. It is helpful when I do it though. 😊
It must have been hard growing up with a mum who was never happy. The minimum I would imagine kids need is for their parents to be happy to interact with them. I feel like some people enjoy being unhappy. Some people try to comfort others when they act in this way.
It makes sense that it was a long process. Christian mysticism sounds interesting. I’m curious about what it has to say about unconditional love?
When it comes to unconditional love. It is my son that really opened that door for me. I know that a lot of people don’t practice unconditional love. I know that one day he will make mistakes and I want to be there for him when he does.
That makes sense. When I had my son it just clicked in my head that he is perfect as he is. And trust me it was not a walk in the park with him screaming for 4 hours every evening. He didn’t need to do anything to be special, he just was (and still is). Thankfully, no more screaming!
I think religion has been a bit difficult for me because I grew up in a cult. It is interesting how life finds different ways to teach similar lessons. I did find loving kindness meditation a gateway to feeling loving feelings about myself.
I’m glad to hear that you have good people in your life who are there for you. You deserve it! You’re a special woman. ❤️ I hope I can figure out these things one day too!
I have been thinking about changing the way I do things. I find that I often do things because of trauma. I want to reframe and do things for other reasons instead of letting my trauma dictate how I raise my son.
July 30, 2025 at 1:36 pm #448049AlessaParticipantHi Tee
That is pretty incredible to have that level of confidence in yourself. I was wondering if you felt comfortable sharing some more about how you came to feel confident and unshakeable in your self-worth? I am still on this part of the journey. ❤️
I don’t wish to disturb Anita’s thread. Please feel free to post in one of mine if you would like to. 😊
July 30, 2025 at 1:29 pm #448048AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Yes, in wallowing in her pain. She passed it onto you in so many different ways without even a thought. This is all incredibly traumatic for a child in so many ways. It is hard to describe them all.
No wonder you were scared of other people. You heard about so many horrible things. I know people who have also become afraid of others for similar reasons.
My mother didn’t bring men home. She felt that she was protecting me. But she told me about all of the men who had sexually assaulted her. She told me that was all men wanted from women. And her abuse towards me primed me to have difficulty in protecting myself. It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even as a child you knew the right thing. You were caring and sweet. Your mother lacked those qualities and she was wrong. Wasn’t she? You went through so much at her hands and the hands of others.
I’m so sorry that you went through all of this trauma as a child without anyone to take care of you. No one should have to go through that. You aren’t alone anymore. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
July 30, 2025 at 9:45 am #448040AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
Thanks again to both of you for your lovely feedback. ❤️ ❤️
I have been busy again.
Fortunately, I have made peace with my feelings about being a mother. I know that I try my best and that is good enough. I think it is just the feelings from childhood trauma that are hard to shift.
Not to worry Anita, he knows how amazing I think he is. 😍 I will try my best to show myself more appreciation too. ❤️
That is a good point Tee. I’m sorry to hear that your mother was often stressed out and overly focused on putting practical needs first. All I can do is try my best. I’ve always had difficulty relaxing. I think that is why I mask my feelings and pretend for him. I will just have to keep trying and working on it. It really is lovely to have you back, as well as to talk again! ❤️
It’s not easy when they are young because a messy home is legitimately a safety hazard. He will get older though and things will get easier. Only one year left until he’s in nursery. These things don’t last forever. It’s pretty wild thinking that his childhood is already 1/8 complete. The time has passed so quickly.
Now we are trying to work on potty training, hygiene and speech. He’s getting better at football and practicing walking the dogs on a lead. Soon he will be in gymnastics! I read that young children have a very physical concept of self. I thought it would give him confidence to teach him to master his body.
I think some things just take time. It is not always easy to be patient. It is a journey to see the outcome of your hard work and there is doubt in the meantime.
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