Hi Peter

I understand what you mean.

For me, my desires related to mental health have varied. From wanting to not feel the pain of the past, trying to unpick the past from the present, wishing to be free of habitual intrusive thoughts. Loving myself, changing myself.

I have achieved some goals, experienced some improvements and lost them, regained them, in the process of regaining them. Some things are achievable, some things aren’t, and some are impermanent and reflect the difficulties in our lives.

True, therapy can reinforce a cycle of attachment to the past (and other things). But I think that it is still helpful to go though it and get to that realisation. Could we get to that realisation without having these experiences?

I recently learned that it is okay to for the past and the present to overlap, for when they do they are both seen as the present. It had never occurred to me before. 😂

I think accepting yourself as you are is a great idea. You are pretty awesome to me! No need to fix what is not broken! I always appreciate your perspective and insights. ❤️

If you would ever like to chat please feel free to email me at tbthrowaway64@gmail.com.

Oh and a quick thought about that Krishnamurti quote about desire. I’m learning that all of these undesirable traits discussed in Buddhism and such are simply human nature. Desire is probably one of the strongest drives that people have. It allows us to exist and function. Ultimately, I think that people are just animals trying to kid themselves that we are not animals because we’re capable of complex thought.

It is wild how quickly children develop preferences for unhealthy things that are tailored for their tastes. Children will abandon vegetables entirely given the chance and reach for the sugary treats any chance they get. Bleh! Plain healthy things are boring.🥱

It is like society trains children to go against their natures. Do this, do that. Resist these instincts, behave in this way. Why? Because it is seen as socially acceptable. Because you will need it to function in this world one day.

Hi Everyone

I don’t share my story publicly anymore out of respect for others.

But yes, I do feel insignificant. The rational adult in me understands the difficulties, nuance and complexities of life. The child in me doesn’t.

Being a parent is simultaneously one of the most rewarding and challenging things I’ve experienced. It involves putting a lot of your own needs aside.

Personally, I do enjoy love when it is gentle, calm and peaceful. It offers a feeling of safety. This is the way!

I’m sorry that you feel alone Anita. Your thoughts, feelings and experiences do matter. ❤️

If you are insignificant Peter, I guess that means we all are. ❤️

I feel like needs not being met creates feelings of insignificance, as we as difficulties with self-love. And of course, social rejection can make people feel that way too.

Ultimately, I don’t think feeling insignificant is all bad. I believe it is important to consider other perspectives outside of our own.

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! I appreciate your willingness to consider and discuss other perspectives. ❤️

I apologise, if I’ve made you feel like your perspective has been dismissed or hurt you at all. It wasn’t my intention. 🙏

That is honestly fair! I can understand tone being a concern.

I feel like hearing a negative message repeatedly in life can make it more damaging.

For example, I hadn’t experienced much fat shaming in my life before pregnancy (despite being overweight at certain points). Suddenly, because I was pregnant people felt that they had a free pass to comment on my size and as the pregnancy grew later the comments grew harsher. It was a completely different experience from before.

In a sad way, I was lucky in that growing up I didn’t receive a lot of commentary on anything I did. That would have meant actually paying attention to me.

I would imagine that the heavy criticism you experienced growing up with your mother makes things more challenging.

One of the people hadn’t had that opportunity when she her own child. I was just vulnerable, got emotional and said that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I think she understood in the end because I was getting upset just thinking about a regular delivery.

The other was just being rude and talking about me behind my back. She did apologise when her behaviour was questioned. I was polite to her when we spent time together.

A lot of Mothers say you have to get on with things, because the reality of being a parent is that life is hard and if you stop and break down your children suffer. It is a perspective I didn’t really understand before having a child.

I think the quality of connection between people is important too. I give people a lot of grace when I trust that their intentions are good and of course when there are difficulties, it takes time to rebuild trust.

Like anything in life, I guess that these things are complicated. Communication in itself is tricky!

I’ve been working on conflict for a while now and I’m finally getting to a place where I feel comfortable with handling it. It is still stressful, but I am able to engage with it calmly.

Hi Anita

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Congratulations on your 10 year anniversary contributing to TinyBuddha! <3

I think you already do make a difference and perhaps you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. How many new people do you think you talk to here in a week?

Even one or two a week (on a slow week), over 10 years it adds up. 52 X 10 X 2 = 1,040

I think that being there for over a thousand people is an incredible achievement, so don’t sell yourself short or think that what you do doesn’t matter, because it does. <3

Hi Heather

It sounds like being loyal to your partner is very important to you (even when you are drunk). A conversation is perfectly fine, it doesn’t sound like anything inappropriate happened. 😊

Do you have any tendencies to worry about other things?

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kind words! ❤️

It was not easy for me to reflect on the difficulties with my biological mother. Not the worst, but still not easy.

I think it is just the nature of being a mother. I used to have more time to give to my emotions. All I can really do is try to squeeze in holding space for them here and there.

Apologies I’m falling asleep. I will have to write to you properly another time.

Hi Anita

Thank you, it is very kind of you to say. 😊

Very true, I agree. Stay true to yourself! You are the expert in your own needs. ❤️

I’m not sure, I can only speak for myself. Well for me, my instinctive bond with my biological mother was damaged to the point that I no longer felt it towards her. I learned to not come to her for any reason and avoid her as much as possible. As a young teen, I began to hate her.

I looked for that bond in other people. Still do really. It left a painful longing that got more easy to bear over time, yet never went away.

I don’t know how to heal it, that is why I was asking. I wonder if you have any thoughts about it? I suspect it is a combination of having a reliable strong social network and being able to meet our own needs. But who knows. For a long time I couldn’t even identify what was causing the pain. It wasn’t until you started talking about your bond with your mother that I understood what had happened with my bond. Maybe it will be helpful actually understanding where that pain comes from.

I’m glad, please let me know if that ever changes. I really value your insight and perspective too! ❤️