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AlessaParticipantHi Elizabeth
Good to hear it went better than expected! Enjoy your freedom. 😄
You did a flawless job of communicating with him and giving him a snack first is a great idea. It is so true your mental and physical health are valuable, no one needs that stress. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
Thank you Anita! I value your insight too and of course Peter’s as well. 😊
I have an additional thought about anger. It feels like being close to someone makes it easier for me to feel angry.
I worked in customer service dealing with angry customers all of the time and I was able to shrug it off.
Perhaps part of it is that I feel safe sharing my feelings with people that I’m close to. Another part is that I have higher expectations of people I care about and who I know care about me. It hurts more when they make mistakes. But we are all human and no one is perfect. Part of it is also that I blame myself when people I care about communicate issues with me because I care a lot. I don’t just shrug it off. I take it very seriously because I value their opinion.
I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this?
I would like to get to the point where I can react the same way inside. Not disturbed no matter what happens around me.
I feel like the past piles up on top of the present too and I am no longer dealing with the situation in front of me. This leads to my feelings being disproportionate. And of course, anxiety feeds into this. Worrying about the meaning of interactions, future interactions. Worrying.
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I’m glad that you found some of the things I shared interesting and thank you for your kind words Anita. 🙏
There are a lot of interesting points floating around from all parties. 😊
I don’t know if there is a healthy way to express anger to other people. I certainly haven’t found one. At the moment the best I can think of is calmly stating a preference. But it ceases to be about the emotion at that point and it becomes about addressing the underlying need.
In Buddhism, anger is considered to be one of the eight fears that prevents individuals from achieving enlightenment.
The eight fears being:
The flood of attachment, the thieves of wrong views, the lions of pride, the snakes of jealousy, the fire of anger, the carnivorous demon of doubt, the chains of miserliness or greed and the elephant of ignorance.
Sorry, it is really busy at the moment. I don’t have a lot of time to write sadly. I’m enjoying reading everyone’s thoughts and thinking of you all fondly. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Elizabeth
It is not an easy situation for either of you to be in for sure.
Did your husband say why he was upset about you not attending the rehearsal dinner?
They aren’t willing for you to protect your health by wearing a mask or provide food that meets your dietary requirements.
Since his family are like this, surely they don’t actually care if you don’t go?
It sounds like you’ve done a lot over the years to keep the peace.
I can understand not wanting to cause a rift in the marriage. It is hard when things are difficult with the in-laws.
AlessaParticipantHi Kris
It is a shame to hear that things ended with your friends with benefits person. It is hard especially when you don’t have anyone that you are close to locally.
I agree that you didn’t do anything wrong. It is a question that a friend would ask with his best interest at heart. I feel like he might not actually be looking for a friend. Unfortunately, sometimes people just say these things when they part ways with no real intention of friendship or even keeping in touch.
It is okay to feel your feelings about all of this. Please take extra special care of yourself while things are tough. ❤️
It sounds like a good idea to move back to somewhere you have a bit more support. I hope that your parents can help you with this and the time flies by until your lease is up in September.
AlessaParticipantHi Omyk
I suppose that is what has to happen when life gets tough. Just get on with it day by day.
Congratulations on all of your achievements within your ministry! ❤️
True, marriage does not always smell of roses.
Do you have a fear of being alone or a fear of missing out on being with a partner? You have a child. You will never be alone. But it is a large commitment not to have a partner for an extended period of time.
I’m glad to hear that your day to day is happy. It makes sense that thinking about the intensity of the commitment to not having a partner in the future is anxiety provoking. I don’t think it would be easy for anyone. I suppose it is a sacrifice.
I can imagine. It must be tough being a single parent and having such a busy life. Downsizing makes sense. I hope you figure everything out. Whatever you decide. No rush, you have 25 years. 😉
AlessaParticipantBless your soul Anita, and you Peter as well. 😊
Some additional thoughts. Since anxiety and anger are connected for me and as I said before my anxiety misfires when I’m reminded of difficulties in the past, anger also misfires for me too. This means that just because I feel hurt or experience anger or anxiety, doesn’t mean that anything untoward is happening. It took me a while to learn this.
Outside of the obvious verbal abuse. I have recently been learning that there is a vast wealth of communication that is considered unhealthy that many people simply aren’t aware of.
I read that in times of stress people often default to their most primitive emotional responses. For me, this is a flip flopping between begging someone to stop and demanding for them to stop. This stems from my childhood. When I was a child I would plead with my mother to stop and it would only excite her. Fighting her would make her incredibly violent. I learned to just freeze and wait for it to be over. This was the quickest and least violent way.
Blaming and criticising others when I’m hurt has been an unhealthy pattern. It is one that I’m determined to break. I feel like reflecting on my own behaviour instead of other people’s is key to this.
Ultimately, I believe that general conflict is hurt people hurting each other and adding more hurt on top of that is not helpful. I believe that no matter what someone does they don’t deserve to be hurt.
AlessaParticipantHi Gigi
Congratulations on being happily engaged and starting to build a life with your partner! Good luck with your masters degree. 😊 How are you finding living together? It can be a big change living with someone and moving cities.
I’m sorry to hear that you are worrying about your parents dying at night. That is very stressful.
You have talked about preparing for motherhood. Often when people have children it can bring them closer to their parents. There is a new level of understanding and empathy for the experience of our parents when we become parents ourselves.
This problem may sort itself out if you give it time. Why don’t you give them a call?
I’m sorry to hear that you find sex dirty and have unwanted thoughts of your father.
I have had thoughts of other people pop into my head too sometimes. I just refocus on my partner.
I think that sex is a pure and beautiful thing because for me, I cannot enjoy it if I don’t trust the person. It is nice to think of it as the beautiful connection that you have with your partner.
Have you told your partner that you have some anxiety about sex? It might be helpful to slow down. Spend more time relaxing and getting into foreplay and take a break when you need to because of the anxiety. It is traumatising to force yourself to have sex when you are feeling uncomfortable.
Some men don’t really understand that during our menstrual cycle, our needs during sex change because the sensitivity of our bodies change. It is important to communicate with your partner if you need something to be more gentle.
When it comes to unwanted thoughts. The more you are disturbed by them, the more they reoccur. It is awkward having thoughts about your father pop into your head. But it is not something that you are choosing and it is not your fault.
That is fair that you are having difficulty opening up in therapy. These are some sensitive topics. I don’t think that what you are experiencing is uncommon though. A therapist’s job is to be very supportive no matter what you bring up.
You don’t have to talk about your father until you feel that you are ready.
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for sharing your prayer! Beautifully written as always. 😊
AlessaParticipantI learned to change my anger into safer emotions as a child because anger would be met with intense violence. It was just too dangerous for me to express it.
I had to limit the amount of drinking because the suppressed anger comes out when I drink.
I was taught by my sister that if I didn’t express anger during a disagreement that I didn’t care. She taught me to yell and swear even though I didn’t want to.
I was groomed for my childhood to accept abuse. It took a lot for me to learn to set boundaries with others. It still isn’t easy for me. I still get anxious and scared.
I read that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that other emotions often are along side it. Anxiety is a big one for me.
Nowadays, I’m working on letting go of resentment. I’m finding mantras to be very helpful.
AlessaParticipantThere have been some changes for me recently regarding self-compassion.
I have been taking care to manage my boundaries better. By this I don’t mean confrontationally. I mean, by making sure that I don’t do things that I’m uncomfortable with or push myself beyond my limit.
Typically, I can be co-dependant and go out of my way to help others even when it starts to take a toll.
I’m not putting myself through that stress anymore. It is important for me to take breaks when I need it.
I’m also practising better self-care. Tailoring it to my autism by focusing on reducing overstimulation. Managing my anxiety with breath work.
AlessaParticipantOops that’s eight fears. Darn autocorrect.
Hi Roberta
Thank you for sharing as well! It is nice to see you around again, you were missed. 😊
AlessaParticipantHi Arie
Is it safe to go to a gathering with this man when there is a family conflict? There could be drinking and he could easily pull a gun on any one of you. He seems genuinely unstable and actively dangerous to be around.
Do not feel pressured to attend this event if you don’t feel safe.
As for the issues with your husband and your brother. You are doing your part in defending your husband. That is all you need to do. How does your husband feel about the difficulties between your brother and him? Do you feel hurt that the relationship with your brother has deteriorated because of the difficulties between them?
AlessaParticipantHi Omyk
I remember you! Welcome back. 😊
It sounds like you are feeling the battle between being human and the responsibilities of your ministry.
My perspective is that these days in western countries a lot of relationships fail. It really depends what you are looking for. What needs are not currently being met that you feel a longing for? It must not be easy, being without your wife.
I think that whatever you want and whatever you choose to do is okay. Please be gentle with yourself because your situation is not easy. You are dealing with a lot of responsibilities on your own. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tommy
I have no anger for you whatsoever, only love. ❤️ I’m very easy going and hard to offend. I am an extremely honest, loyal, patient, forgiving, blunt and straightforward person. I completely understand.
Most of my friends in my life have been men, so I’m entirely used to how men behave. I disagree, I feel like you are a very good influence and a very special person. I deeply appreciate those who are honest and bring new perspectives. It would be an honour to remain your friend. I do understand if you would rather not though. I don’t wish to bring you any pain and I won’t hold any resentment if that is what you choose. ❤️
You might not see it. But the people here care about you. Peter, Jana and I supported you in our own ways. I don’t care what mistakes you make and value the unique things about you that make you so special. We are all human, I make mistakes too. Everyone does.
Every day is a new day. This is my philosophy. There are good days and there are bad days. I’m not foolish enough to throw away a friend because of a bad day.
Truthfully, I don’t have many friends either. I’m very shy because I have been deeply hurt by some extremely bad people. We are talking major crimes! I know the difference between someone with a good heart and a bad one. You have a good heart my friend and are a deeply caring person. I deeply appreciate the people that I do choose to open up to. It would be such a shame to lose you as a friend because of this situation. ❤️
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 