Hi Anita

It occurs to me that your mother might have experienced some social difficulties.

A) She was very dark and from a different country
B) She was a single parent with 2 children
C) She was an orphan and had public outbursts every now and then
D) Some people don’t like kids, there was a belief in the past that they should be seen and not heard

There would likely be a lot of gossip about her. At the time, I’m guessing it wouldn’t be feasible for her to date or remarry.

Your mother likely used elaborate meals and gifts to curry favour and improve her social status. She was a very negative person and loved to complain. Her life was not easy, never had been.

Being a single parent of two children is very difficult. It’s not the children’s fault though. That is life. Some people get overwhelmed and frustrated, blaming their kids. She was one of them.

It is very hard for people without children to even image what it is like for parents. She would have had very little time to herself, constantly working, cooking or cleaning. There would have been illnesses in the home for half of the year with two children. Likely, up through the night whilst you were young.

In her mind, she was a good mother. She checked boxes for herself what she would have wanted as a child. Didn’t orphan you (in her mind the biggest crime). Fed you, making sure you didn’t have the same ED as her. Didn’t lose your hair. Made sure you weren’t dark like her. Took care of you when you were sick. Made sure you had items you needed. Provided for the family.

But that does not excuse the copious amounts of abuse. Verbal, physical and sexual. At the time, physical and verbal abuse were considered normal by society. Sadly, it didn’t care for children. The sexual abuse was not considered normal although it is rampant worldwide to this day (1 in 6 children in my country) and it is particularly traumatizing. ❤️

I learned relatively recently about different kinds of abuse in childhood and the likelihood of developing PTSD. Sexual abuse is 90%. Physical abuse 30-40%. You experienced both. You were basically guaranteed to develop PTSD. ❤️

Nothing can excuse the trauma you experienced at her hands. Not her trauma. Not even the ways that she tried. Nor should it. Your pain MATTERS. Your feelings MATTER. You are IMPORTANT. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! ❤️

Hi James

Does it matter if we pass willingly or not? God’s will happens all the same? Does it matter what we believe? We are all part of God’s will, each one of us. Whether we believe it or not. ❤️

Hi Anita

I’m glad to hear you are getting better at relaxing your anxiety. 😊

Well, if I ever say anything that spikes your anxiety, I hope you can talk to me about it. ❤️

Oh cool! How did you feel after the lie in?

I feel like the taking care of the inner child thing has really evolved. I had this nice moment the other day after getting groceries in where I let my inner child eat whatever she wanted and eat ice cream. There was a sense of glee to it. 😁

Bless your soul! That’s kind of you to say. ❤️

I’m happy to hear I made you smile. 😊

Hi Dave

You hit the nail on the head Dave! You are both two different people with different ways of doing things. This is normal in a relationship and criticising someone who is genuinely trying their best isn’t healthy.

It seems like you both were in a cycle of blaming each other. Her blaming you, and you blaming her for blaming you. It happens when life is hard, but both parties need to work hard to break the cycle. It is a shame that she couldn’t let go of her side of things. 💔

I hear you, it takes compromise and work on both sides. That is the way that things should be, not just her way. If you felt she had tried to compromise and treat you more kindly, things might have been different.

No one deserves to feel less than. You’re special in your own unique way Dave. There is nothing wrong with being different. You cannot say that you didn’t try. You tried so hard and I see your pain – the pain of being rejected. ❤️

I’m glad to hear that moving into your old place has given you a new lease on life. You deserve it! I daresay you do got this. You have been raising three amazing kids. One of the hardest jobs there is. If you can do that, you can do anything. 😊

Hi Anita

I understand the loneliness and desperation of not having a loving and caring parent that you deserve. ❤️

I feel like the person you have been waiting for all along is yourself. You have all of the qualities you wish for in a mother. You can give that love to yourself. That is the secret of how to feel whole and recover from the abuse of a failed parent. ❤️

I hope you don’t mind me sharing? It was part of my trauma therapy to indulge my inner child. Whatever she wanted to do, I was supposed to do. It was mostly focused on fun initially.

Nowadays, I tend to check in with little Alessa and say, is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you? Sometimes little Alessa will ask for things before I even ask. It might just be communicating hunger, thirst. Picking what to have. These things seem to be important because I was starved growing up. I also talk to her and tell her that I love her, that she’s a good girl. Perhaps you could find your own way of indulging and taking care of little or adult Anita. If it interests you? ❤️

I was taught by my therapist and I’m sure that you can find this information online too. That sexual abuse is not about sex. It is a form of violence and it is about control and re-enacting abuse from a more powerful position, that of an abuser.

To explain, she might have hit you as she was hit.

I think of sexual abuse as the ultimate way to strip someone of their autonomy. As you said, it was not your choice.

You are very right in that none of this was your fault. ❤️ But your mother was wrong, she could not see you for the special person you are. You were never a nobody. You were a sweet little person who grew up into a loving, caring and trusting adult, despite the atrocities you experienced at her hands. She could never erase your nature. ❤️

Hi Anita

I think it’s understandable to not be focused after a memory like that. Please be gentle with yourself. ❤️

That’s very kind of you to add trigger warnings. I really appreciate it. I just mean that it is not easy for me to talk about. I try to avoid more serious triggers and not engage with them frequently these days.

I hope you sleep well too! 😊