Hi Peter

Thank you for this lovely thread. 🩵

I hope it’s okay if I share a story from a Daoist text. It is one of my favourites and came to mind reading your thread. It took me a while to find it. 🩵

There was a man of the Fan clan named Zihua who supported so many private mercenaries that the whole country submitted to him. He was a favorite of the ruler of Jin, and his status was higher than the top ministers of state even though he held no office. Anyone he regarded specially would be given a title by the state of Jin; anyone he particularly disdained would be banished by the state of Jin. Those who flocked to his mansion were as numerous as attendees at court.

Zihua had his mercenaries attack each other in battles of wits and strive to overcome each other in contests of strength. Even if they were wounded right before his eyes, he didn’t care. They sported like this all day and night, to the point where it had almost become a custom of the country.

Hesheng and Zibo were top henchmen of the Fan clan. Going on a trip, they passed through a remote area where they lodged at the house of a farmer, Shang Qiukai. During the night, Hesheng and Zibo were talking about the prestige and influence of Zihua, who could cause the thriving to perish and the lost to survive, impoverish the rich and enrich the poor.

Now Shang Qiukai, who had all along suffered hunger and cold, overhead this. Inspired, he borrowed some provisions, loaded them in a
basket, and went to the estate of Zihua.

Zihua’s hangers-on were all hereditary aristocrats; they dressed in silk, rode in fancy chariots, swaggered around gazing into the distance. When they saw how old and decrepit Shang Qiukai was, his face burnt black and his clothes unkempt, they all looked down on him. They treated him with contempt, playing tricks on him, knocking and shoving him around, doing as they pleased.

Through all this, Shang Qiukai never showed any sign of anger. Eventually the hangers-on ran out of tricks and got tired of making fun of him. Finally they took him up in a high tower, where someone claimed that anyone who jumped off would get a reward of a hundred pieces of gold. They all scrambled as if to respond, so Shang Qiukai thought it was true and jumped before anyone else could. Like a bird in flight, he floated to the ground, with no injury to skin and bones.

The Fan clan’s gang thought this was accidental, and didn’t make much of it. In the same vein, they pointed out a wild river bend and said, “There’s a valuable pearl down there; if you can swim, you can get it.” Going along once again, Shang Qiukai plunged into the rapids. When he emerged, he actually had found a pearl down there. Now the gang began to wonder. For the first time Zihua admitted him to the ranks of those who ate
meat and wore silk.

Before long, a fire broke out in the Fan family storehouse. Zihua declared, “Anyone who can go into the fire and get the silks out will be rewarded according to how much he retrieves.” Shang Qiukai went in calmly, going back and forth in and out of the fire without getting sooty or being burned. The Fan clan gang thought he must be a master of the Tao, so they made a collective apology: “We played tricks on you, not knowing you were a master of the Tao; we abused you, not knowing you were a spiritual person. You must think us fools! You must think us deaf and blind! May we ask, what is your Way?”

Shang Qiukai said, “I have no Way. I don’t even know my own mind. Even so, there is something to this. I’ll try to tell you what it is.
“Earlier two of your men lodged at my house, and I heard them praising the influence of the Fan clan, which could cause the thriving to perish or the lost to survive, impoverish the rich or enrich the poor. I took this to be true without a second thought, so I came regardless of the distance. Then when I got here, I thought everything your gang said was true, and my only fear was not to be able to take it seriously enough to carry it out successfully—I didn’t know what my physical body was doing, or where profit or harm were—I was completely single-minded. Things did not prove otherwise, as you can see; but now that I know your gang was fooling me, I’m suspicious within and on guard without; it’s a lucky thing, in retrospect, I wasn’t burned or drowned. I’m feverish with shock, shivering with fear! How could I get close to water or fire again?”

After this, whenever members of the Fan clan’s gang encountered beggars or horse doctors on the road, they didn’t dare abuse them; they’d always get down out of their chariots and salute them.

Zaiwo heard about this and told Confucius. Confucius said, “Didn’t you know? When people are completely sincere, that can affect things. It can move heaven and earth, influence ghosts and spirits, grant freedom in all ways, with no opposition, not just walking on dangerous precipices or plunging into water and fire. Shang Qiukai believed in falsehoods, and even then things did not betray him—how about if other and self are both truthful! Take note of this!”

Hi Peter

Thank you! That was very comforting and beautifully written as always. 🩵

I feel better about it all now. There are no answers, sometimes you just have to experience life. Worry, love, joy, pain and all! One day at a time. 🩵

Thanks again everyone! 🩵

Hi Anita

It’s honestly okay! Please don’t worry. 😊

I wouldn’t even use the word mistake, that would imply doing something wrong, which you haven’t. 🤍

It seems to me that your mother would shame you just for existing, not even having to make a mistake. It must have been really hard when that happened. 🤍

I’m definitely more relaxed talking to you now. It has as always, just been really busy for me recently. 🤍

I was about to thank you for thinking of me in that thread as well, but I can do it here. Thank you for your kindness! Actually, I appreciate that you have been very thoughtful and supportive. It was very kind of you to research information about nurseries. It is just so busy that I don’t always have time to respond to all messages.

I am on a quest to respond to Tee and Peter at the moment.

I’m still mulling things over. It’s been another busy day. I did an exam and helped my sister look for her lost cat. We did find him! Hurray. 🙏

It makes sense that the winery means so much to you. It seems like it was instrumental for you in overcoming your social anxiety? Would you agree? I think such a place which can make you feel so safe and welcome after everything you’ve been through is very special indeed. 🤍

I think you’ll be great helping people in a hospice. 🤍

Hi Roberta

Thank you for your thoughts and kindness! 🩵

Yes, I think I’m appreciating some of the things that my mother did more too. There are some things that I don’t know how she managed. How did she make sure that we had clothes? We didn’t have money. 🩵

Even the things she did wrong can be seen as instructions for what not to do. 🩵

I’m sorry to hear that your father has dementia. That is not easy. Thank goodness he has you showing him love. 🩵

Hi James

Well, I can’t control his DNA. I was lucky that he was born healthy. I can help his body to function. Ensure he has a good sleep routine, a healthy diet, make sure he stays hydrated, provide opportunities for exercise and try to keep his stress low. 🩵

He still gets sick once or twice a month. Fortunately, nothing too serious.

I’m trying to nurture the development of his personality. I’ve socialised him in baby classes, since he doesn’t have siblings. I’m teaching him about feelings and that others have different experiences. I taught him to be active because research shows that confidence comes from their physical ability for toddlers. Explaining the reasons why he can’t do something and validating his emotions as research suggests. I’m teaching him techniques for communicating and managing his emotions, encouraging autonomy. As research suggests teaching him values about hard work, effort and perseverance. Only time will tell the outcome. So far he is a sweet and friendly boy who isn’t afraid to let you know what he wants or doesn’t want. 🩵

I don’t agree that some have a weak personality and some have a strong one. There are so many factors involved. Upbringing, the nature of the trauma and severity. Neurodivergence and brain damage.

Yes, emotional contagion is a factor. But children also have their own emotions.

Regarding my feelings about nursery, yes it is related to my trauma. He isn’t worrying about any of this. He might have feelings about it once he is actually in nursery and separated from me. I will have to hide my feelings to try and help him be comfortable.

The truth of life is that in my country 1 in 6 children are sexually abused, mostly by people they know. He cannot live his life never trusting. So it is down to chance. 🩵

Hi James

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I’m very literal. Having saved my son’s life many times over at this point, tidying to prevent harm. Taking care to consider his feelings. Protecting him from conflict. 🩵

On a practical level, people make choices. These are things that must be done, so I do them. 🩵

Hi Anita

Thanks for the study! I will be okay. My son is just starting nursery soon. I am overthinking it and being silly. I liked the ocean imagery. 🤍

I’m glad to hear that you are feeling calmer today. Enjoy your break from the topic. 🤍

Yes, I switched to blue hearts for you. 😊 I don’t like making mistakes. The white ones are harder for me to see when I’m tired. I always have the brightness off on my phone because I have very sensitive eyes. I’m not good with subtle colours. Navy and black, look the same to me. Grey and white… With the brightness off everything is mostly grey for me. It is easier to see when I’m less tired. 🤍

I hope using a different colour in general will prevent mistakes with the red ones. At least even if I forget, at least the colour will be blue and not red. 🤍🤍🤍