Hi Tee

I know that is what you meant. 😊 Thank you for elaborating. Absolutely, I couldn’t have put it better myself. ❤️

Both your pain and your mother’s pain exist in this world. But her pain doesn’t have to invalidate your pain. It might have been her goal. You aren’t her! You can let both exist, and use her pain to better understand and explain your own pain and in time heal it.

Hi Claire

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your husband. ❤️

Very interesting that you say he used to be in the army and his first outburst was triggered by a loud noise. A very common trigger for people who have been in the army by the way.

The army is very abusive, ontop of the trauma of war. They also train you not to care about things as much. He likely has quite severe PTSD. I’m guessing that he isn’t being treat for it? If he isn’t willing to seek treatment there is nothing you can do. You can only help someone who is trying to help themselves.

That he apologised the first time he had an outburst, tells me that he knows it’s wrong and he’s at fault. He doesn’t like feeling of being at fault or blamed and deflects it onto you. It is a shame that he has fixated inappropriately on you as the cause of his triggers, instead of understanding that his severe PTSD is the cause of both of your woes.

Like you said. You can’t be the one to carry all of this for him. In the past, the good outweighed the bad. Now, all of the bad weighs on you. The good is outweighed. You are suffering. You deserve peace, happiness and safety. ❤️

It is natural to be sad about the changes involved with separation. It is not an easy thing.

The difficulty with PTSD and the frequent arguing is that the nervous system gets dysregulated. It becomes harder and harder to control emotions. It takes a lot effort and professional support to calm this type of situation down. It can’t be just one person trying.

His PTSD will calm down if you separate. It might be the kindest thing to do for both of you if he won’t get treatment.

It is not easy to see someone you love, consumed by their poor mental health. You can’t go down with him though.

Hi Anita

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with feeling self-conscious about your tics. That must be very stressful growing up having them noticed by others. Kids can be cruel. Did you experience bullying about it? ❤️

Apologies, I don’t remember, was your mother diagnosed with NPD?

It must have been hard with your mother being a working single parent of two? On the one hand, you might not see that much of her? On the other, when you do she might be really stressed out and in a bad mood? A mood which you and your sister would have been on the receiving end of. Then, the rare times when she was in a better mood? That she always took care of your physical basic needs makes things even more confusing. Not knowing which side of her you’re going to get must have been distressing, not being able to relax and let down your guard.

I think the nature of kids is that they don’t understand how much their parents try. It’s not their fault. To be clear, I’m not suggesting that this is in any way relevant to your mother. Just that it isn’t the child’s fault. Very few people seem to understand their parents experience until they have children of their own, or see their loved ones struggle with parenthood as an adult. The understanding that an adult perspective brings can shine a new light onto things.

I think that, the pleasure taken in causing pain and the sexual nature of the abuse… The lack of autonomy you experienced. Understanding why she did what she did. It doesn’t change the severity of the trauma you experienced. She may have “tried” at times, but it certainly wasn’t enough by any stretch of the imagination.

The severe trauma you experienced is expressed by your body. What your mother did was wrong on so many levels and I’m so sorry it happened. ❤️

Hi Anita

I’m sorry to hear that your tics are still cause you distress. I wonder what your experience is like with them? Interestingly, mine went away with pregnancy and came back afterwards. Makes me wonder about the impact of blood flow (there is more blood in your body whilst pregnant). I tend to think of mine as tense muscles trying to relax and struggling to do so. I didn’t have them when I was younger. I developed them in my 20s with my health issues. I do also get it when I’m very stressed too. I try to drink lots of water and eat bananas. Pushing my body too much makes it worse too and so does worrying about them.

I’d be quite happy to meet online or talk on the phone. ❤️ There are some applications that can be used to do so. Zoom or Microsoft Teams are used for online meetings. WhatsApp is good for talking to people in other countries on the phone. I don’t know if you have used any of these or if you could ask someone to help set any of them up? It’s easy enough for me to post a meeting link here for Zoom or Microsoft Teams. I would use email to exchange telephone numbers though.

I have blue eyes, pale skin and brown hair. In summer, I get freckles on my nose. I’m pretty short and not skinny at the moment.

I think people like our parents and some others too, distance themselves emotionally from the pain they cause. By blaming others, it creates a sense of distance. By pretending it’s not their fault, they hide from the pain. Deep down they know the truth. Most of the time they choose to actively live in denial, choosing a fantasy over reality. The pain of the hurt they cause tends to break through at certain times though. They become very depressed and self-hating during these periods. My mother would try to commit suicide, or ask doctors for help during these times.

The largest outcome for parents with severe trauma is suicide. Another outcome is child abuse. Many have their children taken away nowadays. Very few manage to succeed in raising children. There were not the resources available to help your mother in the way that I have gotten help. Nor the resources for my mother, who was fobbed off by doctors when she asked for help. It took her a long time to actually get it and by the time she did I was gone.

I don’t think I would have been as lucky if I had no help. The world is slowly but surely changing. Your mother was a product of her time and culture. If things were different, perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps she wouldn’t have just given up fighting her chronic mental illness? It is a shame that you didn’t have that chance to find out. In a different life, she could have been different and you could have been different. You might not be here helping people.

Hi Eva

I’m really sorry to hear about the relationship difficulties that you have experienced. You truly deserve better.

Hmm I would say that the way forward is somewhat painful, so feel free to skip this paragraph. Acknowledge that he didn’t love you. Love is a two way street. While things were on his terms he was happy with the way things were. He didn’t care about how you felt. He never had any intention of having a future with you, he was just looking for someone to patiently tolerate his awful behaviour. You want more than he wanted to offer, you deserve more than he wanted to offer.

I for one am glad that you pushed for what you deserve. Just because he couldn’t love you doesn’t mean that no one will. You are no longer having your time and energy wasted. You are free to pursue a meaningful relationship where you can experience the care and respect that you deserve. One that has a future.

I have experienced dealing with these kinds of men, it is all too common these days. If someone is unwilling to date you publicly I’d steer well clear of them in the future. Dating is a bit of a cesspool these days. Once you’ve taken your time to heal, wade through the frogs. Tell them to take a hike, look for a prince who treats you right. You deserve it! ❤️

He might eventually decide to date someone publicly, get engaged and married. But it will be when it serves his needs. And I pity those people, because he won’t magically become a different person. Every relationship has issues and he is unwilling to compromise.

@Tommy Oh yes, his voice is always welcome and valued. I just wanted to respect his wishes. ❤️

Hi Everyone

Thank you both for the fascinating conversation! It’s helped me a lot too. ❤️

I’ve been trying to understand and explore the topic as a parent, both for myself and for my son.

Thank you Peter for your reading recommendation. I think you did an excellent job of tying everything together. And as usual, spot on with the quotes. ❤️

Anita, as usual you’ve given me a lot to think about! 😄 ❤️