Hi Nea

Good luck getting ready for the move. It’s not easy with a little one. 🩵

I don’t think that your husband needs to forget what happened. But it’s not just about him.

You have a baby now. That means unless you plan on going it alone which is what I did and is really hard. You’re probably going to have to visit the family home so they can help with the baby.

That doesn’t mean pretending that none of it happened. It doesn’t mean repairing the relationship with your father. It means being minimally civil.

You said that you were on your husband’s side. Did you tell your father that what he did wasn’t okay? Did you tell the other family members who also bullied him that? 🩵

Hi Tommy

I’m glad you enjoyed the story! 🩵

Focusing on the positive is the best way. 😊

It’s hard when you’re young to take these things seriously. I had braces and got all the way to wearing a retainer and then was told right at the end I had to wear it for basically the rest of my life. I was not interested in that whatsoever. So of course the dental work basically undid itself.

There’s only so much you can do as a parent. I’m sure as your daughter gets older she will take more of an interest in health. 🩵

He loves his cat tree and wheel! I just started making attachments for his wand. Turns out cats are pretty easy to entertain. 😂

Hi Tommy

Always lovely to hear from you! 🩵

I’m sorry. Anita hasn’t been responding to my messages either.

Look who just appeared like Beetlejuice! 😂

I have a friend with scoliosis. He wasn’t able to get treatment for it as a child and his bones set in place. That your daughter managed to get the braces in time is a good thing. I hear it’s a condition that isn’t preventable, so you shouldn’t blame yourself. 🩵

I’m sure she appreciated your help with the calculus. You’re a good dad. 🩵

I do understand the guilt. I wonder if there is anything I could have done differently to help it. And he’s got these issues from me.

That sounds really awful, thank goodness it’s gone and you’re feeling better. Was it the first time you’ve had kidney stones? 🙏

As for meditation inspiration…

Two monks were walking along a dry, dusty road on a hot afternoon. They hadn’t spoken for miles, completely focused on the exhausting journey.

Finally, they arrived at a small, shaded well. One monk drew up a bucket of cool water, took a deep drink, and let out a long sigh of relief. He handed the ladle to the second monk.
The second monk took a sip, closed his eyes, and asked, “Tell me, brother, what is the exact nature and meaning of this water?”

The first monk splashed the remaining water directly onto the second monk’s face and said, “Drink it or don’t drink it. Don’t waste time talking about it.”

Hi Nea

I’m sorry to hear you have a cold, I hope you feel better soon. 🩵

I’ve just gotten over a cold myself and I have two weeks off studying. 😊

I’m glad to hear me sharing a bit about my difficulties has helped you to feel less alone. 🙏

Well, disengaging would be one way to deal with the situation. I think your husband handled a difficult situation pretty well.

I just wanted to add. I don’t say much about your dad because you have tried your best to be respectful. I’m sorry for the difficulties you and your husband have experienced with him. Both now and in the past. 🙏

I feel like the reason why people recommend disengaging is the ideal is for people not to react defensively. Disengaging is only one way of doing that. That being said, people don’t have to behave perfectly, especially when someone is being rude to them. Which your father was.

Ah well “equal accountability” is a tool that is used to get someone who struggles with admitting fault to admit fault. Say there is an argument that someone behaved really badly in. And the other person tried their best, but didn’t behave perfectly, because who would in a difficult situation taken off guard? So say the person who didn’t behave perfectly apologises for their part in things, sometimes it can help to lower the defences of the other person and allow them to save face and apologise too. I don’t know if such a thing would work on your father though. It’s beside the point if your husband doesn’t want to do that anyway.

Hmm well the difficulty with having a baby is that you need family support. Choosing to rely on your family less puts more strain on your relationship. At a certain point, baby Maya will be awake more and more. You will have less and less alone time, both individually and as a couple. Since you have a good relationship with your sister and your mother, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t spend time at your family home.

I’m curious, did the argument end pretty quickly? Or did it last longer? Was there anything particularly awful that was said by your father? Was your husband aware of the difficulties you had with your family in the past before you moved in?

Hmm, it is tricky when families have difficulties with talking about things and resolving conflict. Not everyone has the emotional or communication skills to handle it. My situation is similar too.

I try to think of everyone as individual people with their own patterns of behaviour with a lot of history behind it. Expecting them to behave outside of that is not always realistic. You can try to encourage them, but they don’t always respond to it, especially when they don’t want to.

Our boundaries are still important though. Your boundaries and your husband’s boundaries. Compromising is important in a relationship.

I’m glad you’re enjoying all the cuddles and special moments with your daughter. Even when you are full of the cold and there’s family drama abound. You have your priorities in order. 🩵

Also, I was asking how you would like to handle the situation with your family after you’ve moved out because it sounds like your husband would benefit from some support and I thought that perhaps if he knew it was coming when you move out, he might feel a bit better about the situation. 🩵

Hi Nea

I’m glad to read that you’re having some happy moments with Maya and your husband, despite the worries. 😊

I can understand why the situation is making you feel so anxious and feeling a need to talk about it. Even though your husband needs a bit of a break from talking about it, you can share your feelings about it all here when you want to.🩵

It’s never easy to hear those words. 🫂

It’s a really intense time for mothers having a new baby. It’s a real shame that it’s not a relaxed environment for you.

I don’t know what it is about families and babies. Somehow it’s just like funerals. That’s when all the drama comes out of the woodwork. I can’t really go into the details here.🤦‍♀️

Yeah, I imagine you’re really feeling stuck in the middle of it all with everything unresolved?

It seems especially difficult because you’re staying there. You can’t necessarily handle things in an ideal way because I’m guessing there are some cultural rules about staying in someone’s home? In my culture, there is at least.

I wouldn’t really recommend what I did for that reason. I can’t really talk about the details publicly, but if you want to send me an email, I could explain there. No pressure, it’s up to you. 🩵

tbthrowaway64@gmail.com

I would just to try and keep things as calm as possible and figure the rest out later once you’ve moved out. What do you think?

Unfortunately, you can’t control what others choose to do. It would be nice to wave a wand and everyone magically behaves. 🪄

It took me some time to come to terms with that people were just set in their ways and handled things a lot differently than I would. Families are messy sometimes. 🩵

A nap would be super helpful if you get a chance, when someone else watches Maya. Naps were key for me. Honestly, the family drama around a new baby and conflict with partners that occurs then really took a toll for me and I ended up taking antidepressants to help calm my feelings down a bit. I wrote here when I was going through it. Everyone was really nice and supportive. 🙏

It sounds like your husband might be stressed by this situation too and he “copes” by not talking about it. It’s really difficult when you have different needs. But you are just different people and that is okay.

In my country, it would be extremely rude to ignore someone as a guest in their own house, so I can understand why you would like your husband to say hello. At least he’s thinking about it, even if he is changing his mind. Hopefully, he’ll come around in his own time.

Do you think a discussion like your husband wants is likely to happen? Or not? How do you think your father and your husband would react?

Sorry, I totally missed or forgot what the argument was initially about with your father and husband. I seem to remember your father started it and raised his voice? I don’t know how bad the argument was to lead to them ignoring each other? I just read that there was some verbal abuse and your father charged towards him.

I was wondering if once you’ve moved out, you plan to address the situation with your family more directly? 🩵

Hi SWolf

I love that goal. 🩵

Wow you’re doing great with all of the changes recently! Congratulations on lowering your medication. I’m glad your projects are going well too. 👏

One day, I would like to get to the point where I am calm even when things are difficult around me. Like the eye of a storm. I don’t know how feasible that is, but it’s a nice idea. 😊

I have faith that you’ll figure everything out in time. You’ve always had a good head on your shoulders.

In my experience, fear can get easier to deal with, but it’s a long process with ups and downs depending on what is going on in your life. The way I think of it is imagining all the things you feel safe and comfortable with as a circle. Then there are the things that you’re not comfortable with outside of that. The goal is to increase the size of your safe circle and repeating the process can make you feel more capable in doing so again. I don’t know if that makes sense at all?

It’s good to hear that you’re thinking of taking up meditation and journaling again. Practicing emotional regulation skills seems like a very important part of the process. 🩵

Looking forward to reading your updates! 🩵

Hi Tommy

I wouldn’t say just medication. There are lots of ways to rebalance the body depending on the issue. It is a complicated subject.

I’m glad you haven’t had any side effects from your medications. 🙏

I don’t know what you mean about the experience of truth about ourselves? 🩵

Our body is designed to make us rest when we’re ill. If you’re feeling cheery are you as motivated to rest?

On the other hand, studies show that if you have had experiences where you have safely and successfully navigated complex health issues or severe pain such as childbirth. It alters the way your mind perceives pain and lowers the threat level for lower levels of pain and illness.

I guess my approach is to go with the flow. Emotions happen sometimes. That is okay. Sometimes we feel bad. That is okay. Trying to make things easier and trying to practice gratitude when things are hard. Also, okay. If it doesn’t happen, that is okay too.

Just trying your best to deal with what is in the best way you can at the time. 🩵

My son is getting heavy. I started getting injured frequently when trying to lift him. I’ve always been bad for sprains and tendinitis and things. Just got to figure out how to parent without lifting when he takes a mood.