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AlessaParticipantHi Roberta
Thank you for sharing! It’s lovely to read your thoughts. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Everyone is welcome on my thread, all I ask is that people are respectful and honour the intentions of the thread and help to make this a safe and brave place for everyone. ❤️
I appreciate your intentions. Do you think that perhaps by sharing your feelings about Yana and Brandy you might essentially be inviting them to respond to you? ❤️
My understanding is that Yana is a good person. I don’t know Brandy, but she seems to care about you. ❤️
In my experience, when people are hurt, they use stronger language. The conflict was painful to watch even for bystanders. They are both very caring people, that is why they were hurt. ❤️
AlessaParticipantConversely, an acceptance of change also means a willingness to accept life as it is.
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
Please don’t worry, I am just a very literal thinker when it comes to language. I actually appreciate your perspective. It is helpful to have other voices out there to learn from. ❤️
I think for me, fix suggests a feeling of being broken and a desire to escape pain.
Change for me isn’t about escaping pain. It is not necessarily organic, often quite structured. There might be organic triggers. But I often actively work hard to learn and incorporate. I think as you say, it is the nature of the stage in my life. Also, the availability of information online. You can save so much time and effort just by looking up something online. But you don’t necessarily learn to solve problems yourself.
I started out, not seeing the link between fixing and change. But whilst it is not necessarily conscious, I think that there are some things that I might need to sit with.
Thank you for humouring me! This conversation was helpful. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I understand that these things are tiring and painful. I have been through it too.
Try not to beat yourself up over something that you were born into. People cannot change something that they aren’t aware of. Now you are aware and as painful as it is, it is a blessing. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
Babysitting nephews still counts! 😊
Awww he was a very hungry dinosaur. 🦖 🫣
Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories with them. ❤️
My son copies our dogs a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks he’s a dog? He even pretends to feed his teddies dog food and when he was younger he would pat other children on the back as if they were dogs. 😂
The latest struggle is the he figured out how to climb out of the crib (it is a low one and he is a good climber, so he is safe). It took him ages to fall asleep last night, he kept coming through and giggling. He was very impressed with himself. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Lucidity
Bless your soul! ❤️ To be fair, biting can really hurt. I’ve had bruises through jeans because of it. He doesn’t really seem to have a good sense of how painful it is.
Aww ruining his fun bless. 😂 It is nice that your son feels comfortable in expressing his feelings with you! ❤️
Ah well he doesn’t do the pretending with others. Mostly just me. I tend to be quite relaxed with my approach to things. Recently, I’m trying to be a little firmer. I started telling him that mummy doesn’t like it when you ignore her, it’s nice when he listens and helping him to finish up what he’s doing.
Yes, I don’t have a good sense of smell. But when I was pregnant it improved. I thought is this what other people who have a good sense of smell experience. 😂
Your experience during pregnancy is fascinating. That is a beautiful story with your husband. Thank you for sharing! ❤️ I suspect you are correct with familiarity being a factor too.
Interestingly, I have issues where I mix up similar colours. Black and navy blue being the worst one. But I can also have issues with things like pinks and purples too. I ask my sister who is an artist what colour things are when it is important.
AlessaParticipantThanks Anita. I’m okay, my class has started again. So I’m studying at the weekend now.
How are you doing? ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Lucidity
It was brave of you to share about the difficulties you have overcome. ❤️
I had similar difficulties as a result of my trauma. The way I think about it is that to survive as children we identify with our abusers and internalise their narratives. To be honest, I think most people do. Very few people communicate in a truly healthy way during conflict. It is just not something that is actively taught in society. ❤️
I have learned to view any kind of negativity in my mind with suspicion that this kind of narrative might be active.
Who does it sound like? Who does it remind me of is a question I ask myself to step back from identifying with negative thoughts and see them for what they are.
When is the earliest time I remember feeling this way? Is another good question to ask myself when I’m emotional to unpick traumatic memories from the present.
What are the facts that I know about someone’s character? To help me see someone as they are.
To manage the intensity of my emotions, I realise that they are faulty because of my neurodivergence and PTSD. Misfiring, so I can’t make decisions based on the intensity. I try to consider the reality of situations. What is the severity of them? Is anyone physically hurt or in physical danger? Most often, not. I try to rate from 1-10 the realistic severity of the situation and try to self-soothe to match emotional intensity of the number. If that makes sense? ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
You are a very caring person! ❤️
I don’t know if this helps any, it depends on how old the children are? By the time a child is 12 they have already spent 75% of the time they will ever spend with their parents.
The older a child gets, the less time they spend with their parents. Shortly they will build lives of their own.
Roberta gave you some excellent advice already. I agree with her. All you can do is be there when you are needed. ❤️
Having a kind and supportive person in their lives is worth its weight in gold. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Miss Duchess
I’m glad to hear that processing your feelings about the past is helping you. It was a good idea to talk to your friend about them. I’m glad they were supportive and shared their own experiences with you. ❤️
I’m glad you are learning that you are safe as an adult. Childhood is very unruly. At the age you are is when people tend to be more responsible and develop some maturity. Good luck with your quest to meet new people! ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
Apologies I was distracted by the conflict. I have not forgotten about you though! ❤️
Not at all, I am the one who gets easily confused. It isn’t you. But thank you for caring. ❤️
I’m glad that you liked the ideas. I always like the ideas in whatever you share. ❤️
Well in the past you have shared that you have a preponderance towards acceptance and sitting with things, not fixing them. Noting that a desire to fix can be a problem for you sometimes.
Whereas, I feel like change is a constant for me and fixing things is inevitable because I’m constantly learning, growing and changing as a person. Acceptance is important too, don’t get me wrong. But I also accept the desire for change.
Even a desire not to fix things could be seen as a desire to fix the problem with fixing things.
I was watching a video yesterday that reminded me of you and your seeking quest.
It turns out that seeking is human nature and linked to our survival as a species. What we seek differs from person to person. We are not designed to be content all of the time or we would never get anything done. We are designed to work hard for very little in the way of a reward. It was comforting to realise that we are just human. ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt is just the truth.
Caring is a good thing. It won’t lead you astray.
Thank you. ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt is okay. Please don’t worry. I don’t mean to hurt you.
I just wanted you to know that the things that hurt most are simply just PTSD triggers for me. My old therapist would always ask me whenever I had strong emotions. When was the first time you ever remember feeling this way?
It helps to unpick the past from the present. It is not your fault that I have PTSD. ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt was actually a ptsd trigger. I appreciate you trying to understand.
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