Hi Miss Duchess

I’m really sorry to hear that your mother snapped at you for no reason. As you said, it sounds like she is taking out her feelings on you at the moment. You don’t deserve that, I really hope that she apologises! Does she ever do that? ❤️

Your mother isn’t perfect. You are thoughtful considering the pressure she is under. She was definitely wrong about you. ❤️

You might take a little while to warm up to people and trust them, but I think you’re really nice, insightful, self-aware and your positivity is refreshing. 😊 You have nothing to worry about, just keep on giving the right people chances to get to know you! I think you’re doing a brilliant job. 👍

Once again, my condolences for your dog. 17 years is a long time and they really are family. I hope that you take extra care of yourself during this challenging time. You deserve it! 🫂 ❤️

Good luck with choir! Please do keep updating me on how things go. ❤️

Hi Ann

I’m sorry to hear you have been having difficulties with your boyfriend. That’s never easy. ❤️

I’m sorry your holiday didn’t go very well. It sounds like you have some anxiety with water and you really did try. It is a shame that you weren’t able to handle the situation in the way that you wanted to. I think lots of people have difficulties when they are very stressed.

Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really understand the level of anxiety you feel sometimes? What do you think?

I understand the phone thing, I’m guessing he’s on it a fair bit? I tend to have a hard rule on dates no phone use unless it’s for work. People are really addicted these days and it draws focus when you are trying to connect. It’s honestly a bit of an uphill struggle and not worth the effort to try and encourage people to get of their phones otherwise. I just say hey I’m trying to talk to you when people get sucked in. Wait until they answer and if they don’t look at you say hey look at me, I’m trying to talk to you. I’m a savage. 😂

I can understand the stress you felt when you were overthinking his words about marriage. Do you think it’s fair to say overthinking? Perhaps you are used to trying to read into people’s words and work hard to notice their moods?

I feel like men aren’t really taught to communicate about emotions that well. You’re very articulate about your feelings. It might be hard for him to understand. Do you have anyone else to talk to when you have these worries?

Perhaps you and your boyfriend are both a bit overwhelmed at the moment?

I think you hit the nail on the head that you did move a bit quickly in the beginning. Maybe slowing down would help? Feelings are just feelings. They pass in time. Give yourselves some time to process and take care of yourselves. The more positive experiences you have the easier things will be. The more negative experiences the harder. Does that make sense? What do you think? Forget about my advice, what do you want from all of this? ❤️

Hi Tee

That is a shame. I understand, you only get one spine and you have to be cautious when it is already damaged. ❤️

I hope that you can find someone who is available sooner rather than later. 🙏

Social work set it up, but back then they really didn’t care, sadly. The family was even already involved with social work at the time for their own daughter.

Yes. It feels like there is never the right time to share because other people always have something else going on that doesn’t put them in the right frame of mind to be able to hear me out.

I’m okay with people sharing their feelings. It is just when people are not really in a good mood or the right frame to talk, then it kind of feels like I don’t know… it’s hard to describe. But it doesn’t really leave much room for me does it?

What I mean is that I feel rejected when people don’t respond positively to me sharing my feelings. I know that people don’t see eye to eye sometimes and have different emotional experiences. It’s just a bit stressful when you don’t feel understood and also when you don’t understand someone else’s feelings. Part of it is my autism, because I do have difficulties understanding others sometimes unless they explain. I guess when things are a bit negative, it’s not easy to be curious about asking questions.

Thanks for your kindness and listening, as always. ❤️

Hi Anita

I agree with Tee. That craving for someone else to save us can come from the same place that craves mothers love. But the only person that can save us is us. ❤️

I understand that it is a difficult exercise. It took me years to be able to do. ❤️

I remember sitting with my therapist in her office. We did it with empty chairs. I was too scared to talk to the idea of my mother. My therapist had to do it for me.

It might seem silly the idea of a therapist shouting at an empty chair imagining it was my biological mother, but it did bring me comfort.

I think you’re brave for trying! ❤️

Please let me know what you think? It is okay if the exercise isn’t your cup of tea though. I don’t want to pressure you. ❤️

Hi Tee

Thank you for taking the time to understand. ❤️

Well I guess it depends how important the issue is to me. If it’s not that important I’ll just process it on my own. But if it’s important and requires discussion, I’ll wait for a bit until the person seems like they would be in a more receptive mood.

I can’t really discuss the specifics in too much detail, just because I’m being respectful to people in my life. I can only talk in more detail via email.

I would say for my brother it was mostly about not provoking my biological mother. She had a lot of strict rules that needed to be followed. My brother wasn’t really invested in following them.

For my adopted family it wasn’t to avoid provoking them. It was just they had no interest in taking care of my sister. Alcoholism was a theme in both families.

When I moved in my sister was being threatened with a knife by the stepfather and screamed at. I stopped that very quickly. I just said if you don’t stop picking on her I will report you to the police and you will be in jail so fast your head will spin. If you want to hit someone you can hit me, but you will end up in jail for it. Any just like that it immediately stopped.

She was also being verbally abused intermittently by her mother too. Mostly when her mother was drunk or having an episode.

I took care of my sister because we were friends beforehand and no one else seemed to care. There was also an expectation for me to help out because I was taken in. At that point it was pretty natural for me because I was looking after my brother before. I didn’t get too much of the abuse from the family because I would just walk away when they started on me. So I would mostly just get ignored for a couple of weeks which suited me.

I tried my best, but I wasn’t perfect by a long shot. I haven’t had contact with my brother since I left. I gave him my number but he never called.

My sister tries her best and grew out of her behavioural difficulties.

It’s okay, I don’t mind. I know you’re just trying to understand the situation. ❤️

Hi Tee

Thanks, you’re an angel. 😇

I’m quite happy to talk. I just wanted to let you know that you’re appreciated. ❤️

Yes, you’ve got the jist of it. 😊 I have some anxiety around conflict. I’m not very comfortable with people expressing anger and such.

If I feel like someone isn’t going to be immediately receptive, even if later on they change their minds. I have a bad habit of not sharing. I’m trying to work on it.

I think it’s shades of when I was younger, I used to actively try to manage others moods. But I realised that I was doing them a disservice by not encouraging them to develop those skills themselves.

I heard that all of these things are a trauma response.

I think it’s partly to do with being a parent because I wasn’t this avoidant before. It is just a lot of energy and draining. Arguing doesn’t really appeal to me anymore.

❤️

Hi Miss Duchess

I’m so sorry to hear about your family dog. These things are not easy. ❤️

I’m glad to hear that the choir is going well and you’ve been catching up with people. It sounds like your hard work is paying off. Well done for keeping at it. ❤️