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Alessa

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 549 total)
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  • in reply to: Chill Out Zone #450476
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Everyone

    Autumn is my favourite time of year. 🍃 🍁 🍂

    I always had a lot of fun as a kid crunching my way through a carpet of fallen leaves.

    I realised whilst walking the dogs the other day that it is almost like an ASMR experience. Gravel underfoot. A stream. Birds. And the gentle clinking of a metal leash (the puppy chewed through all of the other ones). I really do love the outdoors and I love having a home filled with love. I didn’t have that as a child and it makes me happy.

    That is a good idea Yana. I like the idea of making acorn coffee. ☕️ Thank you for the tip with the honey. 🍯 The idea of an experience shared by friends across the world brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. 😊 ❤️

    It reminds me that we all look at the same moon and despite us all being in separate corners of the world, we are not alone and still connected. 🌎

    in reply to: Compassion and respect during times of conflict #450475
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Tee

    Sorry, at first I didn’t realise that you’d left a message here. Then I had to process some emotions to figure out what to say. ❤️

    I try my best, but it isn’t easy. Especially in person. Negative thoughts, fears can get in the way. It is hard work to try and stay calm.

    That is kind of you to say. I’m glad that it’s been helping. 😊

    I think being aware of when we’re not in our normal state of mind is half the battle.

    Thanks. I’ve been learning from you too. I think you’re right in that I do let things lie too much sometimes. It is hard to balance. You inspired me to try for myself, as much as I try for other people. Perhaps give some people less? ❤️

    I am honestly still learning and still make mistakes. Sometimes I retreat to process and understand my feelings. Figure out the best way to handle a situation?

    I have been learning recently about saving face. It led to learning about some interesting communication techniques. I’ve also been learning about belonging. I think anxiety gets in my way a lot.

    How are you doing? ❤️

    in reply to: İf anyone says spirituality is… #450216
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi James

    Lovely to see you around again! 👋

    I really enjoyed the insights you shared. ❤️

    Today it struck me that this children’s rhyme was particularly poignant.

    Row, row, row the boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream. 💤

    in reply to: Chill Out Zone #450212
    Alessa
    Participant

    I’m having fun foraging these days. I found an apple tree that is very similar to granny smith apples, but smaller. 🍏

    The wild raspberries are much sweeter than store bought and brighter in colour. 😋

    Sadly, the blackberry season is ending. I’m curious to try acorns for the first time. I collected some but haven’t prepared them yet because my son got stomach flu. 🤢

    Poor thing! ❤️

    It is lucky that the sunshine has been sticking around even though autumn is here. Every day is a bonus. 🍂 ☀️

    in reply to: Chill Out Zone #450211
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Roberta

    Thank you for sharing! ❤️ It is interesting to learn the hidden secrets of history. Sand pits in local golf courses here are repurposed craters from bombs dropped during world war 2. Who would have thought they would use something like that to bring joy and peace to people?

    That is so cool. I would love to visit Samye Ling monastery in Scotland! I do wonder if they allow dogs? Probably not.

    I hope that you do get to take your robes one day. I can’t think of anyone more deserving. ❤️

    in reply to: Safe and Brave #450171
    Alessa
    Participant

    I’m conflicted, as usual. 😂

    Part of me feels like being compassionate and understanding to all in a conflict can be hurtful in a group setting, especially when people don’t share these values.

    It is understandable not to have these values, very few do. It is not something that is expected of people. ❤️

    Perhaps it is more beneficial in a private setting? Another part of me wonders though, if there would have been as much support if not for calm voices being in the mix? ❤️

    in reply to: Safe and Brave #450170
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Tee

    I don’t think anyone blames you. Certainly not Peter, possibly one of the kindest people on this forum. ❤️

    I feel like it is difficult when two people have different beliefs, especially when they don’t really have a relationship. It is easy to take offence, where there was none intended. ❤️

    I have trust with Peter, so it was easy for me to see his good intentions. Fears are not easy to deal with. Guilt even less so. ❤️

    This conversation reminded me of a video I saw online. There was this fella sitting down in a sports stadium, there was a lady behind him being rude, resting her feet on his back. He asked her to stop. She didn’t. She started kicking him in the back. He continued sitting there calmly whilst she was unbelievably rude and assaulted him. A few minutes later, she was taken away by security.

    There is another video I saw, someone tried to steal a bike messenger’s motorcycle. She threw her keys into a building so he couldn’t get them. Sat on the bike and scuffled with him as he tried to jack it, refusing to let go and have her livelihood stolen. The thief got tired and ran away.

    in reply to: Compassion and respect during times of conflict #450109
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Lucidity

    No, it is not silly at all! I totally understand the struggle with regulating anxiety. It is human nature to revert to old habits in times of stress. I feel like it takes some time to understand things in our heart that we know in our mind. That you know what you want in your mind, it is only a matter of time until your heart catches up too. These things are complicated and a journey. It’s important to give yourself grace. It’s okay to be human and make mistakes. All you have to do is try your best and that is good enough. ❤️

    Bless your soul! Good luck trying it out. ❤️

    I think I’m lucky in that my core stress response is to shut down and my instinct is to leave the situation. I have to force myself to stay in a stressful situation. Because my instinct is to take breaks, it does help me to emotionally regulate. People who have different childhood habits might find that difficult to navigate. I’m afraid that I don’t have any advice for that one.

    It was something that I had to unpick to get back to this core stress response. My adopted family taught me to engage in conflict because they believed that it showed that you care if you are passionate and upset.

    I think a fear of rejection was the thing that was holding me back the most from being able to connect with my empathy during conflict. What if I put myself out there, do all of the right things and it still doesn’t work out?

    Then one day I realised that I was only upset because I felt rejected. And if I’m already rejected there is nothing to fear because it has already happened. I can stay true to myself and if things don’t work out, I can say that I tried and give myself comfort knowing that I did my best. ❤️

    in reply to: Threefold Breath #450046
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks, I’m glad that you found it helpful. ❤️

    Yes, it is nice to accept each other just as we are, the whole person. ❤️

    in reply to: Safe and Brave #450045
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Tee

    I really appreciate your perspective and insight! Thank you for sharing. ❤️

    I feel like these things are really complicated because as you said, narcissists can act in this way, but so can people who aren’t narcissists.

    I feel like trauma and neurodivergence can produce very similar patterns.

    Autism for example, there is a focus on details and a lack of understanding of context or difficulties with understanding others perspectives. Not because they lack the ability to empathise, purely because it is just not understood. When an effort is made to learn and understand, that is when things can change because they are capable of empathising when they understand the situation.

    Trauma, I feel like can cause a focus on fears, as opposed to reality. People can perceive attacks, when it was not intended especially if a trigger is involved.

    Not to mention, if two people are just in a high stress situation. Instead of understanding the stress is because of the situation, people can focus on what is right in-front of them, each other instead of the abstract idea of the situation and a cycle of blame can start.

    Thanks so much Tee. I just figure I should get a head start on it because these things take time to learn. ❤️

    in reply to: Compassion and respect during times of conflict #450044
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Yana

    Have a good time offline, thinking of you! ❤️

    Thank you for sharing such a wonderful passage. 🙏

    in reply to: Safe and Brave #450015
    Alessa
    Participant

    Interestingly, studies show that when it comes to emotional expression some children are more sensitive to it than others. For autists, they are sensitive and need a low level of emotional expression. For neurotypical children, they actually learn better with moderate levels of emotional expression as it teaches empathy and might just be bored by and ignore low levels of emotional expression. ❤️

    in reply to: Safe and Brave #450014
    Alessa
    Participant

    *considering our individual needs

    in reply to: Safe and Brave #450013
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Everyone

    Oh it’s not you Peter, just that I’m not as resilient as I would like to be at the moment. So I can’t do things in an ideal way right now. That is all I meant. ❤️

    Yes, I understand what you mean. Sometimes things just take me a while to process because I have a learning difficulty. 😊

    Do no harm is a good goal, I just wonder about the practicality sometimes. We can only try our best. 🙏

    I appreciate your intentions in discussing how to manage conflict Tee. It is definitely an interesting and I think important conversation to have. ❤️

    I feel like conflict is very complex and everyone has their own perspective on how to handle things.

    Some things that I find helpful to consider are frequency and intensity of difficulties. Yes, technically some behaviours are abusive. There is even such a thing as reactive abuse where someone will act in these ways to defend themselves. The way I see things is that real abuse occurs frequently and consistently, sometimes in multiple different ways and isn’t reactive, or is severe. That is not to say that other difficulties don’t hurt because they definitely still do. I’m just not going to suggest that it means a person is inherently abusive.

    It is difficult because abusive behaviours are very widespread in society. Something like only 20% of people are actually truly healthy 100% of the time. On the other side of the spectrum about 26% of people are abusive. Then there is a lot of variation in the middle. Some people might be able to be healthy under moderate levels of stress, but struggle with being reactive under extreme levels of stress, some people are going to be reactive under moderate levels of stress. So context is important.

    Something I like to consider is will this bother me in a week? Will this bother me in a month? In a year? And so on and so forth.

    As a parent I think it is really important for me to be understanding of conflict because at some point my son will be a teenager. Teenagers these days tend to be verbally abusive, some even hit their parents, siblings or others at school, but their emotional regulation skills are not fully developed yet. In short, it is something that they struggle to control and a part of their development. It is a parent’s responsibility to handle these difficulties in a healthy way and try not to be reactive which would only traumatise their children. ❤️

    The challenge is navigating the difficulties of upbringing and meeting ourselves where we are at with any issues we have and considering their individual needs and what is realistically achievable. Changing behaviours takes time and effort. All anyone can do is try their best. ❤️

    For me, alcohol is something that doesn’t mix well with my PTSD. Even something like that can be a factor.

    Thank you for your kindness Anita. ❤️

    in reply to: Chill Out Zone #450010
    Alessa
    Participant

    Wow, such a rich history your country has Yana! Thank you for sharing such a fascinating experience. I’ve always been curious about druids. 🙏

    I hope you enjoy the festival! 😊

    Your spot sounds really lovely. ❤️

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 549 total)
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