Hi Everyone

Thank you for your kindness and support Anita. You are a treasure! ❤️

Thank you for the excellent quotes, as well as sharing your insights Peter! ❤️

I noticed that a baby’s emotions are easier to deal with than language combined with emotion.

I believe that love is an emotion, as well as an experience. But compassion is a state of mind.

I have been reflecting on anger and I had an interesting experience last night.

I had angry thoughts directed at myself and others. And I thought wow, these thoughts are probably the most intense thing I currently have to experience in my life. Why am I so focused on other things? I stayed calm and thought of it like an angry teenager. A child should not be rejected when they are angry.

I do feel like all people deserve to be treat with the same compassion.

I am reminded of Chris’s insight of the importance of compartmentalisation.

I feel like compassion is easy to find when calm, relaxed and in good company.

I feel like a lot of the time, for various reasons people are uncomfortable with their present experience and try to escape it.

Rumination in itself for me has been an attempt to control my experience of difficulties and make me feel safe.

However, there is a big sacrifice. Worrying about future difficulties related to the present, often makes the present more difficult than it currently is.

For me, this stemmed from a fear of being incapable of handling the difficulties when they fully arise.

I suffer from a different problem. Whilst I’m quite knowledgeable about my own anxiety and how to handle it. I know very little about how to handle other emotions.

I tend to take thoughts and feelings at face value and not explore them further. Language is actually particularly helpful for this. This habit has bitten me in the butt because I don’t ever really address the underlying issue.

Hi Everyone

Thank you Anita for exploring the shame and self-blame! It definitely got me thinking about things. I’m sorry you experienced years of joyless living. You deserve a lot of joy in your life to make up for lost time. Keep up the great work. ❤️

For me, shame is an emotion. It was linked to thoughts of self-harm when I was younger.

I think I blame myself for not protecting myself. Even now as an adult.

It is hard to balance protecting myself with compassion.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for the beautiful poem Anita! 😍

I have been mulling over some of the things discussed on this thread. I’m truly sorry that you both went through that. 🙏

For me, yes I was scolded for being a child. But shame is more situational. There was a large sexual element to the abuse I experienced as a child. And I felt a tremendous amount of shame about that.

For me, I feel like shame is tied to self-blame. The underlying belief that I am at fault is what gives shame its power.

A friend pointed out that the root of self-compassion issues for me might be that my mother blamed me for being born and ruining her life.

But realistically. It is not my fault that she fell pregnant and decided not to get an abortion or to put me up for adoption. Healthy parents don’t blame their children for existing, or beat them for their childish escapades.

Healthy parents find joy in the carefree nature of children, teach them how to manage their emotions and love them.

It wasn’t my fault she hated being a parent.

Hi Everyone

Thank you Anita! I value your insight too and of course Peter’s as well. 😊

I have an additional thought about anger. It feels like being close to someone makes it easier for me to feel angry.

I worked in customer service dealing with angry customers all of the time and I was able to shrug it off.

Perhaps part of it is that I feel safe sharing my feelings with people that I’m close to. Another part is that I have higher expectations of people I care about and who I know care about me. It hurts more when they make mistakes. But we are all human and no one is perfect. Part of it is also that I blame myself when people I care about communicate issues with me because I care a lot. I don’t just shrug it off. I take it very seriously because I value their opinion.

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this?

I would like to get to the point where I can react the same way inside. Not disturbed no matter what happens around me.

I feel like the past piles up on top of the present too and I am no longer dealing with the situation in front of me. This leads to my feelings being disproportionate. And of course, anxiety feeds into this. Worrying about the meaning of interactions, future interactions. Worrying.

Hi Elizabeth

It is not an easy situation for either of you to be in for sure.

Did your husband say why he was upset about you not attending the rehearsal dinner?

They aren’t willing for you to protect your health by wearing a mask or provide food that meets your dietary requirements.

Since his family are like this, surely they don’t actually care if you don’t go?

It sounds like you’ve done a lot over the years to keep the peace.

I can understand not wanting to cause a rift in the marriage. It is hard when things are difficult with the in-laws.

Hi Omyk

I suppose that is what has to happen when life gets tough. Just get on with it day by day.

Congratulations on all of your achievements within your ministry! ❤️

True, marriage does not always smell of roses.

Do you have a fear of being alone or a fear of missing out on being with a partner? You have a child. You will never be alone. But it is a large commitment not to have a partner for an extended period of time.

I’m glad to hear that your day to day is happy. It makes sense that thinking about the intensity of the commitment to not having a partner in the future is anxiety provoking. I don’t think it would be easy for anyone. I suppose it is a sacrifice.

I can imagine. It must be tough being a single parent and having such a busy life. Downsizing makes sense. I hope you figure everything out. Whatever you decide. No rush, you have 25 years. 😉

Hi Gigi

Congratulations on being happily engaged and starting to build a life with your partner! Good luck with your masters degree. 😊 How are you finding living together? It can be a big change living with someone and moving cities.

I’m sorry to hear that you are worrying about your parents dying at night. That is very stressful.

You have talked about preparing for motherhood. Often when people have children it can bring them closer to their parents. There is a new level of understanding and empathy for the experience of our parents when we become parents ourselves.

This problem may sort itself out if you give it time. Why don’t you give them a call?

I’m sorry to hear that you find sex dirty and have unwanted thoughts of your father.

I have had thoughts of other people pop into my head too sometimes. I just refocus on my partner.

I think that sex is a pure and beautiful thing because for me, I cannot enjoy it if I don’t trust the person. It is nice to think of it as the beautiful connection that you have with your partner.

Have you told your partner that you have some anxiety about sex? It might be helpful to slow down. Spend more time relaxing and getting into foreplay and take a break when you need to because of the anxiety. It is traumatising to force yourself to have sex when you are feeling uncomfortable.

Some men don’t really understand that during our menstrual cycle, our needs during sex change because the sensitivity of our bodies change. It is important to communicate with your partner if you need something to be more gentle.

When it comes to unwanted thoughts. The more you are disturbed by them, the more they reoccur. It is awkward having thoughts about your father pop into your head. But it is not something that you are choosing and it is not your fault.

That is fair that you are having difficulty opening up in therapy. These are some sensitive topics. I don’t think that what you are experiencing is uncommon though. A therapist’s job is to be very supportive no matter what you bring up.

You don’t have to talk about your father until you feel that you are ready.

I learned to change my anger into safer emotions as a child because anger would be met with intense violence. It was just too dangerous for me to express it.

I had to limit the amount of drinking because the suppressed anger comes out when I drink.

I was taught by my sister that if I didn’t express anger during a disagreement that I didn’t care. She taught me to yell and swear even though I didn’t want to.

I was groomed for my childhood to accept abuse. It took a lot for me to learn to set boundaries with others. It still isn’t easy for me. I still get anxious and scared.

I read that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that other emotions often are along side it. Anxiety is a big one for me.

Nowadays, I’m working on letting go of resentment. I’m finding mantras to be very helpful.