Hi Everyone

That sounds like an interesting book Anita! I’ll give it a read. Thanks so much for your kindness, as well as the reading recommendation. ❤️

I learned recently that children don’t understand language in a way that adults do. My son for example sometimes says “No, no, no!” When he wants something, because he’s learned and paired the word no with something that he wants.

They don’t necessarily understand why they are asked to not do things. There is a very large understanding gap. That means there is a huge level of trust in their caregiver.

I didn’t understand that I was being abused for a long time. I knew I was unhappy, but I just saw it as normal. It wasn’t until I started wondering why other children were happy, that I started to notice that something was different. That things at home were not the way things are meant to be.

Identity and core beliefs are formed in childhood when we don’t fully understand the world around us. I believed my Mother and tried my hardest to be a good girl. I reviewed my mistakes each evening and tried to do better. I believed that if I did things perfectly, I wouldn’t be hurt. (Simply not true) But there was were always new things I was doing wrong. That intense trust in the caregiver and the lack of understanding.

Other adults always complimented me as a child on how remarkably well behaved I was. That was the truth.

It seems to me that the nature of people that we are all different and have different needs means that it is nigh impossible to meet everyone’s needs without carefully listening and making an effort to understand them first. We will always make mistakes especially when we are in a hurry and people have different values to us. Especially when they are feeling irritable already.

Hi Anita

Oh it’s okay, your message didn’t cause the PTSD episode. I just know what makes things worse for me when I’m having one.

I feel bad about my messages making you feel emotional. Please feel free to take care of your personal headspace in any way you feel the need to. I don’t want to cause any undue stress. ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that your PTSD episodes are so frequent. It sounds like your nervous system is completely overwhelmed.

There was something in between that I forgot to mention. I did a lot of practice reassuring myself during PTSD episodes.

That I am in the present. That I’m safe and whilst what happened was terrible and should never have happened. I should have been taken care of properly like all children deserve. I am an adult now and able to protect myself. I am safe.

When I feel totally overwhelmed and stressed I like to use my sleep hygiene comforting things. Scented candle, teddy bears, relaxing music. It might sound silly, but it makes me feel safer. I hope that you have a routine that you can do to relax?

Yoga was really good because it taught me to truly relax for the first time. It is still an eternal struggle though to relax.

There is always a choice. A window of choice. Volition in Buddhism.

Sadly your efforts would be wasted on her. Mothering yourself, that is something that could really be helpful. You deserve all of that love and more. ❤️

Sometimes I think to myself. If I were my own child what would I say to myself? When I’m struggling.

Hi Ada

Thanks for sharing! I just wanted to understand a bit more about where you were coming from. ❤️

It is his first relationship, so there is an element of naivety and inexperience at play for him.

I would be suspicious of her side of things too.

The truth is that whilst he compromised a bit with the not contacting her as much. He does still need to work on compromising further with the sexual details at least. Relationships are about compromise and respecting each others boundaries. It is not just about what he thinks is acceptable. Ignoring your feelings and boundaries about this is disrespectful to you and the nature of your relationship.

Hmm I can understand the concern, but I don’t think it is necessarily true that he would have used her as a crutch to avoid relationships. Otherwise he never would have dated you. There are lots of reasons he might be shy about dating. He doesn’t have the same level of social and emotional intelligence that you do. He doesn’t really understand how relationships work with compromise for example.

I know that there are quite a lot of cultural differences despite sharing the same language. In the UK, it is difficult for men to share things with each other. Men tend to have female friends to talk about more emotional things with. It’s pretty common actually.

Since you were uncomfortable with the level of contact they used to have, it was emotional cheating. It would be the same in any country.

There is a level of compromise and respecting each other’s boundaries expected in a relationship. It is natural for a partner to want to feel prioritised and not feel like they are sharing their partner in a monogamous relationship.

It is difficult when you have dealt with your boundaries being ignored and a lack of respect in this relationship. It is a definite struggle.

He seems to genuinely not understand why he should be doing some of these things. I would chalk it up to being new to relationships and being a bit socially inept.

That is a pretty harsh label for him to suggest that your relationship with him is codependent. Why would he suggest that?

I imagine he is afraid of losing his friend. Would you be okay with him keeping his friend if he respected your boundary of no sexual details?

Do you feel like you could get past the difficulties once they are fully in the past?

Outside of this issue, how is your relationship with him?

I will say, I’m British and in my 30s. I find there is some truth to people being open to friendships with opposite sexes. That being said, I didn’t discuss sex with anyone I wasn’t dating or at least interested in dating. I know that some people do though. I just find it distasteful and like it blurs boundaries.

Hi Everyone

It seems to me Peter that you always have a lot of interesting things to say. It is a shame that your family don’t get it. ❤️

You has so many interested things to say as well Anita! ❤️

What a fascinating conversation, great points on all sides. I’ve been thinking about it, considering my perspective. It reminded me of this.

In Buddhism, there are elements of consciousness. Sense conciousness (senses), mind consciousness (thoughts), store consciousness (memories) and mana. Mana is particularly interesting, connected with the store consciousness where a sense of self resides.

We aren’t born with a sense of self, as initially we view ourselves as intertwined with our caregivers, but we quickly develop one.

Raising a toddler is fascinating to me. My son was playing and caused a bit of mess, he tried to clean up part one of it but left the rest. It was cute and funny to me that he tried in this half hearted way. But he was ashamed of it and immediately tried to clean the rest up when I came across it.

It strikes me as difficult being a child where every action is commented on. It is the nature of being a child learning rules that they are not initially privy to. Social rules that people need to succeed in this world.

But yes, the sense of self comes with object impermanence. We understand when we are alone. We understand when we have upset someone. We learn to use our bodies. We learn about the world around us.

Interesting that a sense of self, is defined so much by other people. And the function itself is to facilitate learning, empathy and social connection. It seems like being alone is a story that we tell ourselves so we can better understand the differences in others. As if we tell ourselves that we are one, we don’t truly understand their experience.

Other people are the same as me is an early phase of development and of course, not a true one. Connecting with others is about honouring needs and holding space for each other. Allowing them to be without imposing.

It is challenging when the entire purpose of us as humans – connection – is met with rejection as children. It is a sense of failure that permeates our sense of identity.

Hi Anita

Thank you for understanding! ❤️

That is truly horrible for people to witness her physically abusing you and do nothing to intervene. You deserved someone to stand up for you and protect you from her abuse. Perhaps it felt incredibly isolating and added a further sense of despair feeling like nobody cared about what you were going through?

I’m glad that helped. It is the truth! 💯

I wish that I could have been there for you as you were suffering and tell her off and giving her a piece of my mind. I am being polite, I would say a lot worse.

The things that your mother did were severe crimes, quite literally. People have their children taken away these days for such things and end up in prison. Truly it is what she deserved.

How could she have the gall to hurt an innocent child and lie to you blaming you for it?!? She is a coward, bullying a child that cannot protect herself or escape. She has no accountability for her own actions, only concern about her own feelings. As a parent she should know better. Your child should be more important than yourself! Selfish! Selfish! Coward! Bully! Don’t harm a hair on Anita’s head. Don’t say a mean word to her. Don’t ever lie to her and pretend that she is at fault. You are so very wrong for hurting her and should be ashamed. She deserves to be safe, loved and protected. She deserves much better than you!

Please let me know if any of this makes you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t wish to make you feel that way. ❤️

Hi Ty

Of course, your thoughts about possible trauma make sense especially given her industry. Some people don’t acknowledge the difficulties they experience by labelling them in such a way.

It’s understandable to need to step back from that. Especially after showing up and being supportive when asked and spending a tremendous amount of money to do so. I can see that the difference between how she had acted in the past and during this specific time was very jarring and confusing. The blaming, gaslighting, refusal to take accountability and the abrupt end of the relationship I imagine would contribute to this?

It is a slap in the face as you will to be treat so poorly in response to such kindness.

It is a shame that you haven’t been able to get closure from her about this experience.

You seem like a very patient and understanding person. If she had just apologised and explained her very strange reaction I’m sure that you would have been able to overcome the difficulties.

I think that you can safely say that this wasn’t your fault. ❤️

It sounds like she was trying to push you away (for whatever reason) and she succeeded.

As for these types of procedures and potential trauma. Unfortunately, a lot of similar procedures tend to be very painful because it is a physically sensitive area and doctors aren’t always good about providing pain relief. It sounds like the procedure would not be quick either. This definitely can make triggers worse.

Doctors unless you specifically tell them that you have been assaulted and ask for measures of consent to be put in place are pretty rude and just go ahead and do the procedure without warning you they are starting or asking you if it is okay for them to start.

I had an IUD removed and another put in without painkillers and it took about 20 minutes and was excruciating. I couldn’t even talk at the end of it.

Of course, even if there was trauma. It doesn’t excuse her very strange response. Even if you were willing to forgive had she apologized. I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. ❤️

Hi Anita

It is mind boggling to me that anyone would want their children to be anything other than happy. How cruel and selfish can a person be? Denying their child happiness, trying so hard to crush it. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. Disgusting! How heartbreaking that you had to live through that hell of being denied happiness for so long.

I’m glad that you are reclaiming your happiness which used to be denied. You deserve every second of it. Making up for lost time. Let your light shine! 🔆 ❤️

For the record, I don’t think that innocent sweet child is one part of you. You grew up to be a sweet and kind woman. ❤️