Hi Yana

I love the purple flowers around the rocks. Our countryside looks very similar. There are a lot of streams and ponds near me though. There is so much wild garlic at the moment! It smells lovely. I can’t wait to pick some. We have to get to it before the restaurants do. They try and take everything.

You are a good one taking care of your girl. ❤️

I don’t know if our pup will be allergic to the collar yet. We decided to wait until she’s a little older and bigger before trying it. They are very good though.

Hmm good question… I like the woods and the beach in different ways. It is probably because of where I have lived. Walking the dogs on the beach is my safe place, I lived near there for ages.

Now, I live near the woods. I like when it starts raining and the raindrops patter on the leaves. This combined with sitting next to the stream is really relaxing. I do miss the beach. I won’t really get to go until my son is a bit more mobile. Can’t really bring a stroller on the sand.

I’m glad to hear that you’re not allergic to bees. 🐝 Sorry to hear that you got stung though.

I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with the veins in your legs. I hope the herbal medicine helps. It sounds like you are doing your best to take care of yourself well.

It is true what you say about genetics. My biological mother had knee issues in her 30s. Now, I’m having it too.

❤️

Hi Anita

Your poem is truly beautiful! It is wonderful to see you explore and express your love for your mother in a safe way. ❤️

Hi Everyone

Happy Easter! 🐇 🐣

I really appreciate our conversations too Anita, I’m sorry for being so busy lately. There are some group projects I have to work on daily for my studies and they last until May. Yes, thank goodness for neuroplasticity! I’m sorry that you had to deal with your mother’s tantrums, it is not easy being the parent in a relationship for any child. I noticed how much growth you’ve been experiencing over the years, it is beautiful to see and entirely due to your hard work and compassion. ❤️

What a fascinating topic Peter, you’ve done it again! ❤️

It reminds me of something I’ve been reading into for child development called joint attention.

The idea is that by being present in the moment with people, being attentive to them, holding space for them, engaging with them is a key social skill.

Children get a lot of benefit from this, as do we all. But to learn it they need an adult to practice it with them. For children who don’t have that social input, they can struggle to develop these essential skills.

I didn’t really have that as a child. I remember as a child other people were completely alien to me. I didn’t understand them at all. I guess I didn’t really understand myself at all. How to manage my very strong emotions as a result of my trauma was a mystery to me. It is helpful for a child to have someone calmly and gently explaining social conventions, guiding them on how to interact with their environment.

Having a child is not intuitive for me. I don’t have a mothering instinct. I didn’t understand what he wanted. His behaviour was foreign to me as a newborn. I’ve had to do a lot of research to try to understand how to be a parent.

I think my work on emotional development with my son is starting to pay off. He is able to remove himself from situations that upset him which is a big milestone. For example, when I feed the dogs he is very curious about their food and tries to touch it. It upsets him when I take him away from it, but I want him to be safe and for the dogs to eat free from stress. Now he walks away and does something else, or he comes to get a cuddle while they eat. He always communicated how he likes to feel better when I was sad. All I did was tell him that I was sad and he brought me a book to read while he sat on my knee. And when he was sad he reaches for a book too. I love that he is coming up with his own self-care strategies already. ❤️

It is interesting to learn about the differences in people’s social preferences. I had never really considered it before. For each person, it is like learning a new language. And we all get along best when we co-operate and share experiences with each other.

Very true, Peter there is no guarantee that suffering will result in kindness.

I feel like a lot of people have difficulty understanding experiences that they have not had. Sometimes, not understanding an experience, then having it can be the door to empathy with experiences that are not immediately understood. The suffering that someone is experiencing is the most important part after all.

Sometimes, I find that suffering itself can be a transformative process. If the worst things have already happened and you are still here, what is there to be afraid of? What could possibly touch that? There is a freedom in the worst being behind you. Or in being able to cope with those circumstances. What is there to lose?

As someone who values the nature of learning and impermanence, I feel like that applies to me personally as well. Does love stymie growth? No. Not while growth comes from a place of love and not fear. Openness and curiosity, instead of shame.

Please forgive my rambling. 😊

Hi Jana

Sorry for the delay in replying. I have been thinking about what you said. Your experience makes sense. It is good that you take care of yourself in the way that you need. ❤️

It is complicated for me. There are a lot of layers to it. The PTSD often pops up for me. I find that I care about other things compared to some people. Say, something happens that bothers me. I’m less bothered by the thing happening than what it means and how that makes me feel. Sometimes people don’t understand me which can be frustrating. Then I have other feelings, I get more upset when it is someone I care about, because I care about their feelings and opinion. It all gets overwhelming and I’m not really able to understand or articulate my feelings well when I’m upset.

Taking breaks helps me to calm down and understand and work through my feelings.

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! You have come a long way too. ❤️

These things are easier said than done. It is a long journey and I still have a way to go. I daresay it is the journey of a lifetime.

For me, it really has been essential to stop identifying with these automatic negative thoughts because it helps with stepping back and seeing the big picture. I’m still working on this too. 😊

The way I think of it is that they are something that I don’t have control over. They do have an influence on emotions. But emotions pass and when I feel calmer, I feel like I have a more accurate rational perspective as opposed to an instinctual emotional one.

I would call myself a novice when it comes to meditation actually. It wasn’t that hard to do, it was very much made easy by the guidance of a very skilled teacher. It was harder to learn to apply some of the skills developed outside of meditation.

I really did struggle with meditation alone. I feel like I wouldn’t have been able to achieve the same results without the teacher. I was able to communicate the issues I was experiencing and they provided some helpful advise for navigating the problems.

It is difficult to say if one thing was key because it was all part of the puzzle. If I had to pick one thing that helped… I would say some pretty incredible people. I really do believe that the people in our lives help to shape our minds. I have learned so much from others. Yourself included Anita! 🙏

I would love to hear some more of your thoughts and experiences! ❤️

Hi Anita and Peter

Thank you both for sharing! ❤️

It is fascinating to learn that other people are connecting compassion with history. I have started to do that too in more recent years. I think about the difficulties that people had to deal with in different time periods.

I would agree with you Peter. ❤️

I think I’m just a different kind of person. I grew up emotionally numbing and not feeling emotions. I have this off switch where I can just choose to turn them off when they get too overwhelming.

I had to learn in therapy to tolerate the intensity of my emotions to even feel them. The therapist taught me to do this by connecting to the experience.

So I never really developed the habit of analysing my emotions, thoughts or the experience.

That is not to say that I don’t have automatic negative thoughts, because I do sometimes.

I have also experienced automatic negative thoughts being really distressing.

To answer your question Anita. I recognise them creeping in when I notice my thoughts becoming more negative.

I don’t know if eradicating these thoughts is possible. I know that it is possible to reduce the frequency in a number of ways.

I have learned to see these thoughts as a habit and a recording of my trauma. I try to think who they remind me of. I find it easier to deal with by not identifying with them as my thoughts. I tend to think of my controlled and conscious thoughts as my own.

I see it as a form of self-abuse and try to assess the reality of automatic negative thoughts. It helps me to counter them, but takes a lot of practice. I also don’t like getting too upset with my health issues because stress makes it worse and of course having a child, I cannot take care of him to the best of my ability if I am upset. Meditation was really helpful for me because it taught me to still my mind and accept the presence of all thoughts without being disturbed by them. It was not easy to learn to do though and took a lot of time. I was lucky in that I had a skilled meditator who was able to teach me and figure out ways to overcome some of the challenges that my mental health issues posed. Of course, practicing self-compassion is helpful too. I found that being able to counter negative thoughts was largely dictated by self-compassion.

It is a really unique and challenging process to learn to step back from emotions whilst remaining connected to them.

Well done on countering the negative thoughts Anita! Rock on girl! ❤️

Hi Miss Duchess

You did a really great job of considering situation and what you would do differently.

There are some more steps to forgiving someone. Understanding them and empathising with them.

I think that you were spot on when you said that she was taking her difficulties out on you.

Ah so she was an international student. Was she staying up late to talk to friends and family back home?

It was unfortunate that you were placed with an international student. Do you think there might have been some cultural differences?

I’m sorry that you had this experience. It is difficult to live in such an unfriendly environment.

I would think that she would have difficulties with the living situation too. It must have been hard for her being across the world from her friends and family, living with someone that she was incompatible with. What do you think?

I can understand that it hurts feeling like you missed out on an experience. There is a saying that comparison is the thief of joy. That is not to say you should find joy in a difficult situation. Just that you cannot change the past, but you can have some good experiences and develop new friendships now.

It is good to hear that you have some close friends, but a shame to hear that you don’t live near them. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. It might be worth making an effort to meet some new people and try to make some friends whilst you stay there. Perhaps there are some clubs that interest you? Or hobbies that you enjoy?

Hi Everyone

I’ve been working on self-compassion again. I’ve been working on managing my needs and boundaries. I think it has been very helpful. I feel that things are less stressful and more peaceful.

I’m someone who habitually doesn’t pay attention to my own needs and prefers to focus on other people. It has been a journey, getting to know myself and meeting needs that I have ignored for so long.

I’m working on my compassion for others when people are rude too. My goal is to be able to listen without being triggered and respond with love.