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AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
My earliest memory of this kind of thing would be when I was around 4. My biological mother was asleep most of the time even then.
My younger brother was crying because he was hungry. I was in charge of looking after him.
I was afraid that she would wake up. We weren’t supposed to eat without permission. He kept begging and would not be quiet, even though I asked him to. He was so hungry. I was too.
It would be bad if we woke her up. I got a stool and a pan and heat up a tin of beans on the stove. Maybe if I was quiet she wouldn’t notice? I made toast as well and we both ate.
You! Get up! Why are you leaving a four year old in charge of a three year old? Do you not care what happens to them? They could both have gotten hurt. What if they were burned? Toddlers have very thin skin. They could have been seriously hurt. How could you not feed your precious babies? What is wrong with you? You are sick and need help! I cannot believe that anyone could be so irresponsible.
Look kids, do you want lots of yummy food to eat? As much as you can eat whenever you want. And you don’t need to fetch it. And you don’t need to worry about looking after your brother. You can play and even make noise. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m going to take care of you and keep you safe.
You did such a good job taking care of your brother, you’re a good helper. You don’t need to help anymore. You can just be you. Focus on being a kid for a change. Relax, have fun, make mistakes. That is what you should be doing. ❤️
I want to go home.
You’re safe now. This is your home. You don’t have to be scared and alone anymore. I’m here for you. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
Thank you for your kindness! 🥰
It is quite the accomplishment for me because when I was in therapy I couldn’t do the chair work imagining talking to my mother. The therapist had to do that part for me. I was too scared to talk to an empty chair whilst thinking of her.
I have turned into a bit of a protective mama bear. It’s nice to see that side of me grow.
Thinking of you! Take care ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
Thanks so much! You remind me of a good friend. ❤️ Yes, things are much better for me now. 😊
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
Thank you for your kindness!
You are trying your best and I can see it! You always have. I’m really impressed with your communication skills. I have a lot to learn from you. You are most definitely, not alone. ❤️
AlessaParticipant*trigger warning*
My biological mother, when angry with us. Would strip us naked and beat us in front of each other. She would use lots of different things to hit us with. Hairbrushes, ping pong paddles, her shoes, a fly swatter. She didn’t want to hurt her hand.
Then she would put us in our own rooms and beat us again separately. Afterwards we were not to leave the room for any reason. No food, no water, no bathroom. Not to have any fun. Just sit there alone being ignored. Not even allowed to cry unless it was silent.
The only way she would let us out and stop this was when I would write an apology letter to her and slide it under her door.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this. I can tell how much it hurt you and how frequently it happened. It’s okay to let it out. I’m here for you. What a horrible person and such an awful way to treat children. Thank goodness you never have to see her again. I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through and everything she did to you. You are safe now. Even in your memories, I won’t let her. STOP! ✋ Don’t lay a hand on them. I won’t allow your cruelty to continue.
Oh so this is what the therapist meant by they can sometimes talk back when rescripting the memory.
Who do you think you are?
I’m your daughter and I won’t allow this to happen anymore.
You can’t take them away.
Yes, I can. I’m not afraid of you anymore and they deserve to be safe, loved and taken care of properly. If you try to stop me, I will defend myself. Come on, let’s get out of here. You don’t need to be afraid anymore.
She’ll hurt us.
No, she won’t. You don’t ever have to go back. I promise. Here, you can hold my hand if you want to. It’s okay. Listen. She isn’t even saying anything anymore. She’s just letting you go.
It still hurts.
I know it still hurts. I’m sorry. She should never have done that and should be ashamed of herself. I’m here for you. You never have to be alone and afraid again. You’re a good girl and you deserve to be safe and happy. Perhaps we can figure that out together. Ice cream. For breakfast? Good lord! Okay, but not every day. I love you. ❤️
You can do this, I promise. I know you can because I am you.
I don’t want you to go. I won’t, I’m always in here. ❤️ I’m here for you. Not just for your family and friends, but for you as well. You are just as worthy of care as anyone else. ❤️
AlessaParticipantAh yes, and coping with triggers during conflict. I feel like the past often gets overlayed on top of the present especially during conflict.
My old therapist taught me the skills, but I was not in a place to use them at the time. I am now, fortunately. She always taught me to redirect and focus on the earliest memory a difficult feeling reminded me of. Addressing the original trauma directly can help to unpick the past from the present and take some of the sting out of it. It helps to understand the present as it is more clearly.
As for emojis. I use a phone, there is an emoji button. I don’t know the codes. Feel free to copy paste some if you like. ❤️😊🥰🙏😂
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I just wanted to add that sometimes I have difficulty balancing my values and my needs. Choosing to uphold my values means that sometimes I am not meeting my own needs.
I do care about ethics and morality and value behaving in a healthy way.
I think my way of resolving this is just to be compassionate to myself and understand that it is difficult to balance it all. That perhaps it doesn’t mean that I care about myself any less, if I prioritise building a healthy future while sacrificing my comfort in the present. Of course, it is difficult dealing with conflict. But life is difficult sometimes and it is important for me to cope with difficulties instead of avoiding them as this only reinforces fear for me. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
Well, I have been reflecting on things some more.
I think I might be able to understand why Anita feels that she needs her space, despite it being an unhealthy way to cope with conflict. It is considered healthy to take short breaks from conflict and come back to work on a resolution.
Perhaps she felt worried that no one would support her? The difficulty is that by not saying how she felt, and shutting down communication, it makes it impossible to support her because she doesn’t want to communicate at all. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy because of course people want to respect her wishes.
I think what she is trying to do at the moment is to take care of her own needs. She is probably really hurt right now.
My understanding is that she has a past habit of putting others needs before her own. I can understand that. I have that habit too. I think her intent is simply that she is trying to change that.
I don’t really agree with her journal being taken away. I do understand the positive intent from Lori. To encourage Anita to interact. I don’t think she meant it in a bad way. It is still harsh though because I feel like Anita really valued her self-expression. It also might have made her feel safer seeing her wish for no contact respected by others.
I do understand how painful conflict is for someone with severe trauma. I just have a constant sense of anxiety whilst visiting TB at the moment with because of the unresolved conflict. I think it is a place that is filled with sensitive people, so even a little conflict can be difficult for a lot of people. Even when they might not be personally involved. It definitely was for me. That is why it is so important for people to be kind to each other. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I just wanted to share my experience with meditation and depression, because I do think that Thomas suggested a really good idea and you seem interested in it Debbie.
I feel like meditation made me feel happier in the same circumstances. It helped me to develop space between the negative thoughts and in that space I was able to notice more good things about life. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I was abandoned in many ways.
“My biological mother would leave us home alone at a very young age. Not even allowed to eat. Not allowed to use the TV for more than 1 hour a week. I had to enforce all of her rules, because she would punish us if we broke them when she was away. My brother would hit me when I didn’t let him do what he wanted. We would wonder when she would return, if at all.”
This is clearly illegal and neglect. It isn’t fair for children to experience all of these hardships. How irresponsible and uncaring do you have to be? Come on kids, let’s get out of here. I’ll take care of you, you must be scared and hungry.
“Whilst in the house, she would avoid us until time to punish us. Sleeping through the day. When she awoke, she would avoid being present by drinking.”
Mother of the year. Trying to achieve some kind of world record. Too much effort to be a decent human being. Don’t worry, I won’t let her hurt you anymore and I’m here for anything at all you could possibly need. Playing, talking, fun, food, hugs. The essentials.
“I silently cried myself to sleep every night alone. I had to be quiet, because she would beat me when she heard me cry.”
Oh believe me, I’m intimately familiar with that one and I have some choice words about that. When you torture kids, by hitting them when they cry, any crying becomes massively traumatic. No one should have to suffer like that. How dare you lay a hand on either of them! You should be ashamed of yourself. Picking on kids because you’re a coward! You are safe now. No one is going to hurt you anymore. I promise. ❤️
“She sent us away to stay with people from the church as much as she could. Fortunately, they were kind people. It was nice helping them with their farms. I didn’t mind helping.”
Whoop de doo! Letting other people take care of her children and pawning them off as free labour. You don’t need to do anything to be worth taking care of. You deserve to be happy. Do you need anything? What can I do to help you heal?
“My adoptive mother would go in moods for a couple of weeks at a time and either yell or ignore everyone in the house, then go back to normal and pretend it didn’t happen.”
This is emotional abuse and stonewalling. It’s not okay. No one should pretend that it is. If you weren’t capable of taking in a child you should have said no. Instead of saddling me with all of your issues because you wanted to feel like a saviour and that I owed you for life. I have more than paid back that debt. I’m here for you sweetie. You’re never going to be alone again. I love you and you deserve to have someone there for you. I’m not going to let people treat you badly. I’m going to protect you. You matter way more than you know. Just as much as everyone else. It is okay to have needs. Everyone does and everyone deserves to be treat with kindness and respect. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
It is an honour that you are sharing your personal journals. 🙏 Not at all, history does have a habit of repeating itself.
I feel like forgiveness is getting harder to find in the world. People are treat like they are disposable a lot nowadays. It is a shame.
I feel like I have a habit of looking out for others at the expense of myself. I often tolerate too much from people. I end up angry at myself and hurting because I don’t stand up for myself enough. What if I showed myself the same level of care that I show others? ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Debbie
Congratulations on your weight loss! ❤️
I can understand having negative thoughts. Life is hard sometimes and we all have our way to cope sometimes.
There is a difference between thinking and action. You understand this. We are not in control of our thoughts 24/7. You are in control of your actions. Clearly, you understand the importance of treating people kindly.
It is okay to struggle with difficult feelings internally. There is nothing wrong with that. ❤️
I do find that self-compassion and compassion are linked. The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you will find that voice being to others. You are a very aware and thoughtful person. It seems like you might have been through a lot in your life. Sometimes difficult experiences stick with us in our thoughts. ❤️
AlessaParticipantAnother difficulty being neurodivergent (especially if you have a c-section, because recovery is long and painful) you are statistically likely to experience intrusive thoughts about harming your child. Which is quite frankly horrible for people to go through. Again, another thing that people don’t talk about.
AlessaParticipantOh and what no one talks about is that 90% of couples argue after having their first child. And half of people yell. So you may end up being yelled at by a partner too.
Then there is the trauma of giving birth 1 in 3 are traumatic.
Then there is the fact that outside of noise, the actual experience of taking care of a baby for the first few months is considered a traumatic because of the intense level of care needed. Until children are able to speak they will cry for everything they want.
AlessaParticipantHi Miss Dutchess
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling hurt that you haven’t found your special someone yet. These things honestly take time. ❤️
For me, the trick is honestly to not compare myself to others. If I need to make a comparison, I make it to my past self. It helps me to feel a sense of progression.
Since a lot of relationships and marriages fail these days, especially when children are involved (after you have your first child, half of relationships end). It is more important to be patient and try to select the right person than to get married quickly to the wrong one.
Do you have any thoughts about the difficulties you are experiencing dating?
Honestly, I thought it was important to have a baby before 30 when I was younger too. But I was wrong. At 35 there are more risks to the pregnancy. So you have more time than you think. You don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself immediately.
I would also consider if children are something that you really want. Since you have difficulty with a coworker playing music. Noise may affect you much more than other people. Having children is quite noisy. I have issues with noise sensitivity and it was very intense being screamed at for 4 hours every day for months. I would recommend helping out with a baby if someone you know ever has one. If you haven’t already. So you can understand what the experience will be like.
Realistically, if you’re unhappy now. You are likely to still be unhappy when married and with child. Happiness comes from you. Learn to celebrate your life and enjoy it as it is. Then you will be happy with any future you choose for yourself. ❤️
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