Hi Confused

You have a lot of self awareness, I can see you trying your best. ❤️

I’m glad therapy is helping and he is planning on going to AA.

The level of stress he is experiencing does cause difficulties in relationships. Especially when he withdraws and ends up neglecting you. It is understandable why you felt unloved.

You were trying your best to support him and things became a bit unbalanced in the relationship.

The reality is that partners do complain when these things happen and it sounds like he didn’t handle it very well, which only reinforced your feelings. His difficulties sound like they were because of his stress and weaknesses in communication skills. Care needs to be taken not to complain about difficulties in the relationship too much though.

It is a shame that these difficulties happened so early in the relationship. There is not a sense of stability yet.

Just spitballing some ideas to see if you think any strategies might be helpful?

Did you travel to meet him as much as he travelled to meet you? Or um would you be willing to travel to him a bit more? It seems like he is doing a lot of travelling in every aspect of his life. If you don’t have to travel as much in the rest of your life and it doesn’t stress you too much, it sounds like it might help him if you took on the burden of travelling to him for a while? What do you think? It could also eliminate the problem of him not showing up.

Do you have any interest in his hobby? Would you like to join him with that? He might be a bit more relaxed in that situation instead of just venting. Or does he prefer to be alone?

A strategy I use when people get a bit stuck on overly venting their feelings is to simply give them a bit of time that I feel comfortable with to let it out a bit, then I just change the subject. And if they keep trying to go back to venting, I just keep changing the subject. There is no need to stress yourself out with it. Just do what is comfortable.

I find that people find conversations where they feel blamed stressful. Setting boundaries in a polite way can be helpful. I would like… and then describe what you would like.

If you are with him on a date or something in person. Asking for a hug when you feel upset can provide some reassurance and comfort.

When you worry about his stress and feel unloved, you could try asking if he’s mad or upset at you. Usually, people will clarify what is actually causing them to be upset.

Oh and making sure you both eat before any stressful conversations can help calm things down.

I wouldn’t talk to him about stressful things whilst he is drinking either, it lowers inhibitions.

Keen to hear your thoughts! ❤️

Hi Anita

You are right, these things are complicated and nuanced.

Well, there was a study about murderers and it turns out that most of them either have neurodevelopmental disorders or brain injury, as well as severe childhood trauma. A deadly combination.

Not to mention, alcohol and/ or drug use are often related to homicide and other violent crimes. Only 16% of homicides occurring over the past 10 years in my country didn’t involve being under the influence. Drugs and alcohol reduce inhibitions to dangerous levels.

This is also relevant to parents, or someone who has insomnia or chronic sleep deprivation is shown to have similar effects to alcohol.

I don’t really buy the protecting themselves theory personally. Maybe some people, but not all. People deal with rejection constantly throughout life. Why does someone choose to act at certain times and not others? I know that violence makes people feel powerful, in control and it is fun. That was my perspective when I was 12. Some people don’t grow up or have an interest in developing empathy for others. When a parent doesn’t teach you it, you are left to your own devices.

I can understand the PTSD difficulties that your mother would have had. But I would guess that the nature of being a single parent with two children, created a lot of resentment towards her children specifically. For someone who is so unstable to resent their children ends very badly, especially when hitting children is seen as culturally acceptable. The prevailing belief for a long time is that children should be seen and not heard too. The combination of the these things, plus your mother probably had ADHD or something similar too since these things run in families.

Resenting children is something that is very common for parents. Being a parent is non-stop hard work. Not the child’s fault. Just the nature of being a child is inherently frustrating for parents at times. A lot of people take their children acting out personally. But children don’t have the level of brain development to be fully in control of their behaviour yet. It isn’t their fault and very often, a child is actually distressed when they act out. People wouldn’t necessarily have known this in the past.

It’s all a mess. But not one that you are responsible for cleaning up Anita. She should have been responsible for you and your sister. She should have protected you both instead of hurting you.

I’m glad to hear that approaching the difficulties with your mother from a balanced perspective is helping. You deserve peace! ❤️

Hi Anita

I don’t think the person meant to hurt you by suggesting that. People often misinterpret others and don’t know the right thing to say. They also don’t have the understanding of the suffering you experienced at her hands. You have every reason to protect yourself from further contact.

It is okay to dream that things were or could be different. It is a shame that it isn’t reality.

Why didn’t she love you? She was flawed in many ways. Not your fault at all. She couldn’t appreciate you, stuck in the prison of her own mind.

The fact that you turned out to be a kind and compassionate person despite the chronic abuse you went through shows what a good and loving person you have always been.

You might not have been appreciated by her, but you are appreciated, loved and valued by a great many people. ❤️

For a long time I felt like I had to fix my trauma. Let go of the past. Stop all of that pain and hurt. Stop those flashbacks.

Then I learned more recently from a Buddhist text. I don’t even remember what it was. That is just how the mind works. It is expected for these things to happen and the goal is to live alongside it.

Sorry for rambling ❤️

Hi Tea

How does meeting someone happen organically? Honestly, it starts as friendship. So that would mean spending time with men somehow. A hobby group or some kind of activity? Another option is parties, but I expect you might find that not to your liking because a lot of people are drunk and hook up at parties.

Honestly, this is the truth because it’s always how I’ve dated. I don’t like the apps and I’m in my 30s.

I wouldn’t worry too much about dating. You have plenty of time. Some people settle. You’re not a settler. You are after quality and that takes time. Not to mention, work and studying are far more important than a boyfriend. No offence. You sound like you are very busy. 😊

It’s okay to miss having a partner though. It is nice. And I can understand the feeling of missing out. But truly you aren’t, because you wouldn’t want to be with someone you aren’t compatible with. A partner should add to your life, not detract from it.

You sound like someone who is very self aware. I love how you have explored and become more confident in yourself.

I can understand being torn between travelling and family. I had that desire too. I’m sure you’ll settle on a decision that feels right for you. There are no wrong answers. ❤️

Hi CinCin

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with feeling left out. It seems complicated. It seems like you have a desire to be invited, but not necessarily to go to these events. Am I misunderstanding this?

If you truly wanted to go to these nights out. You could have just said “I’d like to come along. Is that okay?” Are there reasons why you didn’t do that?

You have some concerns about the dynamics of this trip. Does that mean that your concerns aren’t solely due to practical limitations of attending?

Wanting to be invited is fair, but people often stop asking if someone says no though or doesn’t show interest. It might be helpful to make an arrangement with them where if you feel like going it is okay for you to go along without them asking. Just having that clarity of an unconditional invitation at all times when your wife is invited might make you feel better? This is usually implied in my experience.

Be aware that if you are asking for this it might be considered rude, if you don’t go on the trip as you would be asking to be included, be included and be rejecting them.

It is worth considering if you actually want to go on the trip or not.

Otherwise, why don’t you ask your wife if she wants you to come on the trip? You could express your concerns to her that when you don’t get an invitation, it makes you worry that people don’t want you there. You could express that you don’t always want to go, but sometimes you do and it is nice to be invited and included in chats, so you can make a decision. It’s certainly okay to have a conversation with your wife about this.

Or is it the friend that you are more worried about, as opposed to your wife? Do you worry that your friend doesn’t want you there?