Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! You’ve given me a lot to think about. ❤️

Hi Anita

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to get the feelings out, as well as for your kindness and support! ❤️

It helped me to let go of the flashbacks. They just stick in my head until I process the memories.

*trigger warning*

It was not easy taking care of my brother because my bio mother treat us both differently. It pit us against each other. I was not mature enough and I didn’t do a good enough job of taking care of him because we were always fighting especially when we got older. All I did was try to stop him from being beaten, try to feed him. It wasn’t enough. I suppose what do you expect a child living in that environment to do? I couldn’t really protect myself, let alone him. I just did the best I could. Then, I abandoned him when I got the chance to be free. I gave him my number and he never called or texted. He chose to go back and was alone with her. The last I heard about him he stalked his ex and she fled the country. It is a shame… I feel like I failed him.

I suppose without him being around to protect I would have killed myself when I was 7. I hope that he figures things out at some point.

Yes, that is true. At the time, it seemed like the only way out of the situation was death. She threatened us not to report the abuse. She said that she would kill us if we did. I knew she wasn’t lying because she would often describe to me how she planned to kill us in our sleep. I never imagined that one day she would report herself. One of the few kind things she did. The others were encouraging us to be away from her for as much as possible and not bringing men home.

It is actually nice having a child because you get to do things that children are allowed to do again. Part of me wanted a boy because I did a lot of tomboy activities as a child. I honestly don’t mind caring for others. It is in my nature. I do need to work on taking better care of myself though.

I wouldn’t even know where to start with a sense of self? Any suggestions? I really appreciate your advice. 🙏

Hi Mei

Bless your soul! You are clearly a very thoughtful and caring person. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, just that things didn’t quite fit for you both.

I expect the breakup would be harder on you with it being your first relationship. Sadly, men are encouraged to move on the another person quickly by society. I don’t think it is a reflection on you. ❤️

Well I had some kiddie relationships when I was younger, nothing serious and it was just life that ended things. Moving away or breaking my phone. It wasn’t really stressful. My first big relationship, I guess you could say it was a similar issue to yours, but a different presentation of it.

The guy was very avoidant and when I wanted to discuss things that were a bit stressful he shut down and ignored me. I wanted a partner I could actually communicate with, so I ended it despite still having feelings for him. I just didn’t want to live like that. He asked for another chance and I said no. We can be friends instead. I wanted to see if he cared enough to do that. He didn’t want to and that was that. Painful, but the right decision for me. Some people care about each other, but aren’t meant to be. It is a shame, but it is what it is.

Hi Anita

*trigger warning*

I might have an odd perspective. I never minded looking after the household, my biological mother and brother, or my adopted sister. That isn’t what bothered me. I was doing that from the age of 4. I was used to it. I don’t mind if people have difficulties, what bothered me was the physical, verbal and sexual abuse.

That is not to say that some people aren’t damaged by parentification. They absolutely can be. The biggest loss for me was loss of my childhood. I think that is precious in itself and worth protecting. It is sad when children miss out on the opportunity to be children.

My mother wasn’t a very capable person. She was very much mentally ill and an alcoholic. She spent most of her time asleep, out of the house leaving us at home alone, drunk or was having some kind of episode.

As a child I quickly learned that I was more intelligent than her. She couldn’t teach us anything. She couldn’t help with homework. She liked puzzles, but had a lot of difficulty with them and asked me for help. She couldn’t write well. I taught my bio brother everything, helped him with his homework, helped my adopted sister with her homework.

For a while, I felt bad for my mother. That she was so ill. Over time I understood the damage that her abuse was causing and resented her. She wanted me to care about her self harming and suicide attempts. Beg her to stop. Cry. Relieve some of her guilt over how she was treating us. In the end, I reacted with indifference and even prayed that her attempts would be successful, so I could be free. I felt guilty for doing that.

Hi Everyone

I do appreciate that the trauma that everyone has been through is really difficult. I understand the desire to support Sophie. ❤️

I don’t think it is helpful to label an autist as a narcissist. The two conditions have some similarities, but are different. One is a neurodevelopmental condition and in the UK diagnosis is rigourous.

I will add that it is possible for an autist to also be abusive and not all abusers actually have narcissistic personality disorder. Trauma is trauma nonetheless. The reason doesn’t make it any easier to bear.

That being said the advice that everyone has provided is helpful. Sorry for interrupting. ❤️

Hi Sophie

I can assure you that it is possible for autists to lie. They do have tendencies to lie for specific reasons. To hide mistakes, to benefit others, to avoid negative situations or to be accepted.

I’m autistic myself and many of my friends and family are also autistic.

I’m sorry that you never had the mother you needed and suffered at the hands of the one you had. It isn’t easy when the child is more capable than the parent.

I’m glad to hear that your husband has started a new job and you will be able to go to therapy again later when the bills calm down. Please feel free to express yourself here. Some people also find AI helpful to talk to as well. ChatGPT, Copilot, Gemini and the like.

Unpicking the difficulties of autistic meltdowns from abuse is not easy. I’ve just started researching that myself. What I’ve learned so far:

A brief summary of the difference is that triggers usually occur before a meltdown. These could be emotional, stress, pain, sensory, sleep deprivation, hunger etc. The individual is not in full control when experiencing a meltdown and different autists have different skills when it comes to regulating their emotions.

Whereas abuse occurs in a deliberately harmful manner and may be focused around an individual’s desires.

Unfortunately, both experiences can still be harmful to the people around them if they are not equipped to manage emotional meltdowns and don’t understand the difference. Not very helpful when you’re on the receiving end of things.

Feeling responsible for her makes sense. She doesn’t seem particularly capable.

There are different personalities that people have with autism and she seems to have one of the more troublesome ones that causes a lot of conflict with others. That cannot be easy to have grown up with or deal with now. I know people who have similar issues and it is a very stressful way to live.

I can believe when you say that she has done horrible things to you. Sadly. I’m so sorry your mother has treat you in this way.

There was a family member that my therapist made recommendations to treat as though she were ill and have no expectations of them as a result of their issues. It is not easy to care about someone like that. Doing your best to have a minimal role in her life sounds like a smart choice, one that I also took.