Hi Drew

I’m sorry to hear that a medication caused you to speak your thoughts out loud. That is upsetting when it didn’t used to happen before. Does it happen often?

If you don’t mind me asking what was the name of the medication that caused the issue?

I’ve quite often experienced doctors not learning about the side effects of medications. It is entirely possible that it could be a rare side effect depending on the kind of medication.

They may also not be concerned because thinking out loud is a rather common behaviour. Certainly, it isn’t something that means anyone is crazy. I’m a thinker out loud too. I don’t really mind it though. When it came to a job that involved confidential information and working openly in the public I just practiced muttering to myself without the noise to avoid any issues. Humming a tune is also something I did instead. The internet recommends chewing gum.

It sounds like you handled the situation with the optician well, you were just a bit surprised. It is common for people to not respond in a usual way when they are surprised. I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem that they tried to help you, but they could have asked if it was okay first.

I can understand why you would want to manage your emotional responses when it comes to hitting things though. The easiest way would probably to pay attention to your mood and disengage from whatever situation is upsetting or making you angry before it gets to the point where you start to hit things.

Do you have any difficulties with sleep at all?

One of the most helpful things for impulse control is to sleep well. It might sound silly but research shows that being tired is just like being drunk, which also negatively affects impulse control.

The times when I struggle most with impulse control are when I haven’t been sleeping well.

Of course, managing stress is important too. People often act out of character when they’re stressed, as opposed to when they are feeling calm and relaxed.

I found the supplement L-theanine helpful for impulse control. It is an extract of green tea and promotes a calm focus (I was also having trouble concentrating at the time). Anti-depressants can also be helpful too. I understand if you are feeling unsure about taking medication after that experience you had though.

Beta blockers have also helped me to manage my emotions when things are really tough. It’s not a mental health drug. Just a blood pressure medicine.

When it comes to situations that you are aware of in advance, considering how you would like to act before you are in that situation could be helpful. Or if you are placed in an awkward situation and need some time to consider how to respond, excusing yourself and going to the bathroom so you can collect yourself can be helpful.

Splashing cold water on my face, massaging my neck and back of the head, yawning repeatedly are all things that science shows calm down the nervous system.

I wish you good luck with figuring these things out!

Hi Gabriel

Your love for your girlfriend, self-awareness and desire to seek solutions are commendable!

You mentioned that you are an extreme extrovert. Do you have anxiety and difficulties spending time with other people as well as your girlfriend?

Are there specific moments over text that increase anxiety for you? In person, can you identify anything specific that increases your anxiety?

Do you feel that there is pressure to move in together because you live 4 hours away?

If you don’t mind me asking, what has living with others been like for you?

It is clear that you care about your partner. Because of the combination of the extreme extroversion, the distance between you both and your care for your partner, do you find that during visits you have a tendency to push yourself to your limit or beyond it? Or do you feel like there might be another reason?

I would imagine that taking breaks and spending some time alone to decompress is essential for you. If you take better care of yourself and pay attention to when you are getting overwhelmed and take breaks when you need them before you are beyond your limit that might be helpful in curbing any unwanted behaviour.

I think what I have trouble with is letting go. Big changes are hard for me. It takes time for me to process and adapt. I do understand this about myself though.

Another thing I thought of in regards to strength was vulnerability. It is hard to be vulnerable. It does feel dangerous and takes courage. The way that I see it, doing the most difficult things takes strength.

I noticed that my definition of weakness was related to how I viewed myself in the past.

I was doing my best to just hang in there and stay alive, despite wishing otherwise. I didn’t want to hurt my sister by dying. I didn’t know how to get through the pain alone. I needed professional help. I did the best I could. And when I got the help I put my all into it. I can’t blame myself for that. I feel like these things are impossible to deal with alone.

I think that truly giving up would have been to kill myself. It might have been a horrible time, but I fought hard, managed to get through it and create a good life for myself. I have myself to thank for that. As well as the people who helped me. Life is a journey and values are an important part of life.

I agree that self-compassion needs to be felt. Love for others helps me to extend it to myself.

Hi Substantial

You don’t necessarily sound insecure to me. It sounds like you have some genuine concerns about incompatibility. You clearly care about her. But caring about a person doesn’t mean that you are compatible.

People don’t have to be bad to not be our person. And you aren’t a bad person because your needs are different to hers. That is a part of life. It is human to want a partner that can meet our needs. You deserve for your needs to be met and not live unhappily in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs.

It is only through dating that you can get to know if someone is the right person for you or not.

From how you describe her she is able to take care of herself. I think that a break up would initially suck, as break ups do. She would be okay after that initial hump though.

It’s nice that she is trying to take extra care of you when she feels that you are upset. The question is realistically, practically what actions would you need her to take in order for the relationship to continue?

For example, you mentioned that she doesn’t visit enough. How often would you like that to happen?

Hi Anita and Jana

I really appreciate the little community that is building up here. 🙏

Yes, at some point in their life, I believe so.

It is very damaging when external validation isn’t received growing up, especially when criticism is involved.

It is important to go with the flow and stay flexible for sure. What about plans and rules makes you feel nervous Jana?

Strength

Emotional resilience

Overcoming difficulties

Being honest with yourself and others

Physical strength

Looking for help

Admitting when you have made a mistake

Weakness

Lack of physical strength

Something that someone is not good at

Doing the easy thing not the right thing

Success

Developing new skills

Working hard

Having everything you need

Living a good life

Being happy

Love

Failure

Not passing a test

A part of the learning process

Giving up

Living a bad life

Hi Jana and Anita

Thank you for your kind words Anita. 🙏

Jana, you did a good job with reframing the negative thoughts. 😊

I did quite a lot of introspection. Defining my values because a lot of negative thoughts were based on judgements that others might make. Societal expectations and whatnot. My personal values and beliefs are more gentle.

An exercise that Jana might want to try could be defining what the following things mean; weakness, strength, failure and success. See what you think? I did this type of thing when I was in a good mood, so I wouldn’t be harsh on myself.

My core belief was “I’m not good enough.” I kept lists of compliments from people and wrote down the ways in which I am good enough. It really did take time and consistency doing these things to modify my beliefs.

I also worked on planning my life, what I wanted to do with it. Skills to acquire. The kind of person I wanted to be. Goals.

Therapy certainly helped, but I did the bulk of my work on self-compassion outside of therapy. The goal of therapy is to teach you to be your own therapist, so it gave me the tools.

I did exposure therapy to help me to tolerate distress. I found distress tolerance useful for a bunch of different scenarios that helped with my self-compassion. Being a tutor, studying, working helped address my fears of failure.

The basics of exposure therapy are that the more something is avoided, the greater the fear of it. It confirms that you were correct to fear it. When exposing yourself to fear or distress. You’re aiming for a level you can tolerate for about an hour. Which is how long it takes for the body to start to calm down around these things. You note how you feel at the start and after the hour is over and compare the results. The goal is to start off easy and steadily work your way up as you become more confident. And it is okay to do things that make you feel more comfortable. I brought my dog or a friend.

I found external validation helpful personally, because it made me start to believe that if others liked me, then there might be something to it that I can’t deny. It doesn’t take you the whole way though.

I also had some therapy for intrusive (unwanted) thoughts. It was helpful for me to understand the basics for these things happening. The more distressing it seems, the more important it seems to your brain and it is more likely to reoccur. So ultimately, being calm about negative thoughts occurring reduces the chance of them reoccurring. For me they are also more likely to occur with the following factors. Sleep deprivation, pain and hunger. Ultimately, the trauma was the origin.

From my perspective you are managing your life perfectly well Jana. To have your own business is impressive. Having a loving partner, a lovely dog and good relationships with your parents is a beautiful thing. Financial difficulties everyone goes through at some point in life. These things come and go. I think that everyone has their own individual hardships. Yours are just different from theirs.

Hi Anita and Jana

I noticed that we are all similar, yet uniquely different too. That is ultimately what I believe about all people. However, we do have some shared goals, experiences and values that are make us more similar than others.

Well done on overcoming the perfectionism and binge eating Anita! Jana, I’m glad to hear that forgiveness and acceptance bring you feelings of self-liberation.

I’m sorry to hear that you both experienced a lot of criticism. It isn’t easy to deal with. I agree, it is hard work to change these kinds of beliefs.

I would say both. My natural behaviour was heavily modified by both of my families. Allowing myself to do things that I want to do that they would discourage is healing for me. It is nice to allow myself to be without judgement.
In therapy, getting in touch with the inner child’s desires was encouraged.

I would also add that my mind was quite different at different stages in life and it feels like each of those variations is still present in some way.

I guess becoming a parent helped me to realise that no one has to do anything to be a worthy human being. Just being a lovable scamp is enough. 😉 For me not to cringe, I have to believe the affirmation. When I feel it is untrue, that is the difficulty for me. Being a parent has also helped me to grow as a person – becoming more patient, less judgmental and developing some discipline when it comes to managing my emotions.

I look forward to you both elaborating more on your experiences of self-compassion. ❤️