Hi Peter

I feel like a lack of self-compassion is very common these days. It is true, compassion and self-compassion are inherently joined. I think it is really important to work on self-compassion which will inevitably lead to developing compassion towards others.

Thank you for sharing such excellent quotes, as always! ❤️

Hi Anita

More war is never good news.

It is honestly okay to let that love go.

I understand it is truly horrible to experience and so frightening. The lack of love, remorse and care is something that no child should have to experience, let alone from a parent. There are no excuses.

Forgiveness is not about your mother at all. It is about you. Freeing yourself from the pain of your past.

Feeling the feelings as they arise, expressing them and letting them go. You are already doing the right thing and everything that is necessary for you to do to heal. Just keep living your journey, let it flow and ease. ❤️

Hi Genesis

Bless your soul, wanting to work on your marriage and get past these difficulties. ❤️

I’m glad to hear that he apologised, but I understand that it takes some time to work through these kinds of difficulties. Pain can linger.

Did he ever explain why he freaked out and broke up with you early on dating?

Hmm, the rating of 7/10 and saying that he wasn’t attracted to you in the past seem like mixed messages to me. The way I understand these things is that a 7 out of 10 is attractive and usually personal compatibility will boost that. I don’t know if that makes sense?

I can understand why what he said hurts. But I get the impression that he is talking about something very specific and isn’t communicating very well. This is just my guess. It sounds like being married to you made him feel secure in ways that he didn’t feel before.

I’m so sorry to hear that a groomsman spoiled your wedding by saying such horrible things. That’s truly awful. No wonder it is hard to let go of, it is such a special occasion and it was the foundation of your marriage. Not a good way to start things off at all.

It sounds like your husband has had a lot of personal issues that aren’t really related to you. It seems like he’s unfairly dumped some stuff on your plate by falsely attributing it to you. Does he have depression or anything?

Marriage is a scary prospect for a lot of people. It is not a decision to be made lightly. It sounds like he had a lot of insecurity. But this doesn’t mean it says anything bad about you.

Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. Couples argue, it is normal. It sounds like he has reached out to other people to vent after an argument and said some stupid (pardon my French) things when he was upset. He might have been trying to keep these fears away from you to protect you because he wasn’t actually serious about them but was just trying to work through his feelings without bothering you. People do things like this when they struggle with managing their own feelings by themselves. It is still really painful and not easy to deal with though.

Yes, it does sound like he tries to avoid problems to keep the peace. He may not be intending to hurt you. He may be trying in his own way to protect you, as well as himself from his mistakes. Sometimes men don’t understand that the best way is just to spit it out. They are often afraid of dealing with emotions. Whereas women are taught to communicate.

As a regular poster, I don’t talk about my personal relationships publicly out of respect for their feelings. If you would like to talk in more detail, please feel free to email me.

tbthrowaway64@gmail.com

The difficulty with couples counselling is that it tends to be for couples who are breaking up. Both parties also need to be incredibly open for such a thing to be helpful. Do you feel like couples counselling is helping so far?

Personally, I found that an individual therapist was very helpful for processing difficulties with relationships. As long as you are clear with your wishes to heal and grow the relationship, they would be able to help guide you in that process.

I don’t know if you have experienced any difficulties in your past outside of the relationship? Or do you experience anxiety in other areas of life at all? In the past or currently?

Good lord I’ve written a lot today and I’m still not done.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

At first I took it at face value, it’s about being kind and thought nothing more of it. These days I have been thinking that when we experience our darkest moments and even when we make mistakes is when we need kindness the most. The same goes for others.

As a parent, it is scary thinking that I can’t protect my son from struggles to come.

AI can already be used as a therapist. I don’t think it replaces human connection though. There is something special about opening your heart to another person. A vulnerability to it, trust.

I remember a story I read and really enjoyed. It focused on the city of Paris. Imagine being a tourist there. What a tourist might see and do. Then imagine being a local. What might they see and do?

The tourist has a specific perspective of Paris. The local another. In reality, every person who visits or lives in Paris will have their own perspectives of it. And all of these perspectives make up the whole.

I find that the mind and the body go hand in hand. I wouldn’t worry about it, you are doing good work Peter. I have faith that things will continue to unfold for you naturally in their own way, in their own time. Such is life! ❤️

I think that is a rather sensible view that it takes a healthy ego to let go. I can see it becoming more of a focus in the later half of life. But I do see the struggles of letting go occurring naturally throughout life. A toddler is a little addict. Everything is desire. Grappling with desire, developing a mental filter and learning to manage emotions are key to developing in a healthy way.

As a parent, life becomes unpredictable. All you can do is try and hope for the best because you don’t know the outcome. There are all of these hopes, dreams and fears bundled up with this tiny person, because you care and want them to have a good life. But it is their life. Their decision. Their future. And life whilst beautiful, is at times cruel. Letting go any semblance of control as your life becomes entwined in theirs.

And for many women they put their lives on hold either because it is not financially viable for them to work whilst raising young children or because research shows that being raised at home for their early years benefits their development. In this way, identity is stripped away and yet you become very busy.

Chronic illness also affects young people more than you’d think. Another stripping of identity.

I guess I’ve always been interested in spiritual development. For me, it is a habit that particularly took off in my early teens. People have their own habits and tendencies and life has its own path.

I feel like because people are older, things are seen as moving towards an end. There is a desire to prepare for that, perhaps?

Whereas being ill younger. There is a drive not to spend your whole life that way.

Almost a kind of duality. Playing on rejection and acceptance of different things.

I can understand not being motivated to experience fear Anita. It isn’t a pleasant process, especially for someone who has experienced so much of it in life.

I will say that things opened up even more for me with other emotions after getting to grips with expressing fear. You’re doing so well with expressing anger. I have faith that you will get around to it when you are ready in your own time. I understand how difficult it is to have no one to confide in growing up. ❤️

Anger was the last thing for me to get to grips with. I still need to work on developing my emotional regulation skills some more. I don’t want to rely on masking all of the time. I’m going to have to work on being vulnerable in an age appropriate way.

It is a shame that Rosa hasn’t posted anymore. I was looking forward to what she had to say.

I don’t know, I think there are some conversations that are related to Buddhism. Just not the majority of them. It’s not assumed that everyone here is Buddhist and people are free to talk about things as they please.

I have enjoyed some conversations about meditation, enlightenment and Buddhism with people here. Even developing compassion is a pursuit encouraged in Buddhism.

If anyone would like to talk about anything related to Buddhism my door is always open.
Personally, I cannot give advice that the Buddha would give. I am not a Buddha.

At the moment, I’m learning about defilements and fetters, states of mind and karma. There’s a great teacher I’m fond of Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi, he has a lot of stuff on YouTube and hosts weekly sutta study sessions via zoom which can be signed up to on the BAUS website.

One of my good friends taught me that it is important not to cause others pain, that can involve not sharing things that people are not interested in learning about. I respect him a lot and because of him I have learned to be more mindful of upsetting others. Though I do still make mistakes.

Hi Everyone

For sure, different ways of expressing the same thing. ❤️

I was wondering if either of you wanted to share any thoughts on the later half of life?

What a beautiful poem, as usual! ❤️

It must have been difficult Anita with your feelings being suppressed for so long. It is not always easy doing the work to express yourself either. I’m glad that you are in a place where you feel comfortable with expressing yourself! I remember when I was working on letting my feelings out and it felt overwhelming and like it would never end. But eventually, things became less of a torrent and more of a wave, coming and going. I don’t know if this resonates with you at all?

Hi Everyone

I feel like this answer could be different for everyone. What gives life meaning? Very personal. It could be looked at from surviving to thriving. What is thriving? Overcoming obstacles, living with a sense of happiness. I guess, how I cope with difficulties nowadays is to see them as challenges to overcome. Even giving up is just part of a cycle for me now. No judgement. Must be exhausted and need to rest before I try again.

Personally, I’m happy with the way things are in my life even though it’s not easy. I’ve been in stages where I felt depressed, hated my life and hated who I was, so I changed it and myself. Made a life for myself. I do feel like life has chapters like a story. If my life was at any point not worth living I wouldn’t be here today. Sometimes suffering is necessary. If I didn’t go through a lot of hardship my son wouldn’t exist. Looking at the patterns in my story helps me to appreciate how it weaves together. I don’t know what exactly is coming next but I can be thankful for the lessons that my life has taught me and when difficulties occur I have the mindset of I wonder what the lesson will be?

I do believe that we are all inherently worthy. I find it easier to think of people as animals. No one has crazy expectations of animals. You just expect the animal to be an animal. I feel like expectations are half the battle.

Peter is right. I think life is just a journey and we are along for the ride whether we like it or not. Of course, it is important to take care of ourselves.

I don’t feel like there is a right answer. There is only your answer.

What do you think Anita?

Hi Lady F

Bless your soul worrying about your sister. All you can really do is be your fabulous self and take care of your own needs and mental health. One day she may be inspired by you. Keep being kind and supportive, but of course take time to yourself when you need to decompress. I know it is hard seeing loved ones in pain. That you care about your sister is a huge help for her in itself. ❤️