Hi Anita and Tommy

I’m well thank you Tommy. 😄 How are you?

Oh boy, I missed this one because it was deleted. Drama! 🎭

I’m going to play devil’s advocate. I believe that Tommy’s apology is genuine because straightforward people are very genuine. It is definitely something that can rub people up the wrong way (I know that from experience as a straight forward person myself).

He doesn’t strike me as a simpleton, I believe he’s learned his lesson. Poor choice to try these tactics with very vulnerable people.

I can understand a feeling of incompleteness whilst forgiveness is not received. I’m a chronic completionist. No matter how terrible a television show is, once I have started watching it I will watch all of the seasons. With unresolved conflict, it eats away at me to fix it or “complete” it. I think for me it may stem from a sense of anxiety about it. However, many people simply prefer to have their peace. Different people have different needs and it can beneficial to try to meet others needs. Meeting needs is very rewarding and surprisingly rarely done. It can be a lifeline to those in need.

I feel like people are complicated and can hold more than one feeling at the same time. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s inauthentic.

I feel like men can be a bit more brusque due to socialisation. Quite often they are used to teasing each other in playful ways that can seem quite harsh on the surface. I think it is important to have a male voice around. It brings a unique perspective.

I read something recently that said bluntness is a privilege reserved for friends. I can understand why that might be. It is hard to know how someone will respond until you know them better.

There are many different schools of thought of these things. I can understand why there is a belief in certain things. I do think that it is important to find the right balance.

I watched a documentary with the Dalai Lama and a child had fled from Tibet, her family were dead and she had found a new life in India. She talked of her grief for her relatives. I find it touching that whenever someone spoke of painful things he would subtly pray as they spoke. He advised her that if she focused on all of the wonderful things that she will learn in her new life, the pain of losing her family will hurt less. She kind of shrugged a bit unsure.

At this time, the Dalai Lama was accompanied by Archbishop Tutu. Who said sorry for her loss (it should be noted that the Archbishop spoke first).

I feel like the two approaches complemented each other well. Softening the message. It was described that Archbishop Tutu gave the gift of sympathy and that the Dalai Lama gave the gift of courage.

Hi Anita

That is very kind of you. Thank you! ❤️

I noticed that for me, these things are worse in the middle of a ptsd trigger. I don’t know if you have experienced that too? It is like um two triggers being on top of each other.

It helps me feel safe to be alone when things are like that. Do you feel like that too? Or are there differences for you? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, I was just curious what your experience was like. As you say, knowing that you are not alone in these experiences is helpful. It is nice talking to someone who understands what it is like.

Hi Drew

Thank you for your kindness and understanding! ❤️

That is unfortunate to hear that advocacy wasn’t able to help either.

I’m sorry to hear that your health condition has that intense level of stigma to it. That makes sense. It’s unfortunate when you bump into someone who is being rude. I find that people often do these things when they are struggling in life. I feel like in British culture there are some situations where it is an expectation to politely accept a bit of bad behaviour, or at least ignore it. It is hard to undo all of that cultural training. Whilst in other situations there is an expectation of responding in kind. Finally, there is the situation where these things are more serious and taking formal action is required. I feel like assertiveness is more useful in personal relationships where the person is expected to listen to you, but I admire your personal goal!

Thank you for sharing your technique that you used to help you during exams! It is really helpful to me because I’m a student. I had never heard of that before and I will definitely give it a try.

Congratulations and well done on getting your degree! 👏

Good luck with the job hunting, as well as getting the doctors to reconsider. Take care

Hi Anita

I’m sorry for the delay in writing, it has been a busy week.

That is very sweet of you to say! You certainly have a way with words. Thank you for your kindness, it is touching. I’m glad to hear that it was helpful to process and understand yourself some more. ❤️

I know that you will go from strength to strength in whatever you set your mind to. 😊

That makes sense with everything that you’ve been through. It is a shame that it is not properly recognized in America yet. I’m really sorry that she treat you like that. No one deserves that, let alone a child and to receive that kind of treatment from a “parent” when you deserved to be protected, loved and cherished is a very difficult way to grow up.

I’m similar with the hypervigilance, being afraid of being hurt by others. It is not an easy thing to deal with.

Good luck with everything! Not that you need it. I’m confident that you will succeed.

Hi Peter

Thank you for sharing your kind thoughts! ❤️

What is interesting is that I don’t dwell on these things anymore. I have accepted the situation and no longer fight against it. I realise that I don’t matter so much anymore. Raising my son well is the most important thing to me now.

It often strikes me that after a certain amount of time, something that I used to worry about no longer matters.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re stressed by the news. I get stressed by it too. I’m on a news hiatus and somehow I still manage to learn about it from others without even trying to.

Hi Anita and Jana

I settled on understanding the meaning of the emotions.

I remembered something that my old therapist said.

Negative emotions are not bad. They have a purpose. Anger is there to let you know when a boundary has been crossed.

I have been feeling anxious and I wondered what the purpose of anxiety was. To highlight a threat or danger. It can also be related to fear of loss. For autists particularly, uncertainty. The difficulty is that anxiety can misfire when there isn’t much of a threat. This is what happens to me a lot because of my PTSD. Hyper-vigilance.

I’m learning that I don’t often directly think about my feelings. I tend to focus on other things and not even notice. I have to look for the hidden underlying reason. Then when that is acknowledged the feeling passes.

I’m glad that you had a good weekend, Anita. I did too. Thank you! You deserve encouragement. You have achieved so much and are an inspiration to everyone here! ❤️

Ah well there was a pirate code of conduct. And one of the characters tried to use that to their advantage. And the pirate refused to co-operate and said they are more like guidelines than actual rules.

I’m working on handling conflict too, it is pretty tricky! I feel like internal validation is important. I feel like the more I do that, the less I need others to meet my needs, I guess because I have already met them. I am okay with doing my own thing and other people doing their own thing. I feel like that is healthy for me. Letting things unfold in their own time naturally instead of trying to steer the ship as it were.

I’m also working on understanding myself and others more. I’m pretty straightforward and honest. Which is not the best combination when it comes to conflict. Even with good intentions, it is easy for people to feel hurt. So I’m trying to learn how to be less blunt and when it might not be so helpful to share something.

I also have a tendency to emotionally shut down to protect myself in conflict. People often interpret that as me not caring. Which isn’t true. I’m a complex person and I don’t ever stop caring about people, not even during disagreements. As you say Jana, I just don’t like being vulnerable when I’m at risk of being hurt. I still have a lot of positive feelings for others when I express that and I feel rejected during disagreements it hurts.

There are some complex communication skills that I would like to learn, indirect communication and positive confirmation.

I’m glad that you no longer feel that others know more about yourself than you do Jana. 😊

Whilst I do find outside perspectives helpful. I feel like there is a vast inner world that other people are unaware of. Also, every person views us differently. Depending on when they meet us, they can hold onto views from the past which isn’t their fault, but there is a lot of growth that they are unaware of.

I feel like you are someone who has a rich inner world and there are a lot that some people might not take the time to get to know properly. I think that you’re a very wise and gentle person. I understand what you mean when you say that you have always been submissive. It is rare to meet someone as peaceful as you.

My guess is that lot of people don’t understand you and misinterpret your actions because you are so different. People often only understand what they haven’t experienced themselves.

I would guess that you probably do accidentally hurt people though. Everyone does because we are all so different. It is easy not to realise it when you have good intentions. There can be an assumption that others would see our good intentions and how much we care. But unless we are very straightforward and explicit in telling people this, it is easy for them to misunderstand and make assumptions.

I could easily be wrong about this, these are just some things that I have learned myself recently. What do you think? ❤️

It has been really busy recently, so sorry for not having a lot of time to write. It takes me a lot of time to think about things that are very meaningful.

Hi Peter

Thinking of you as well!

I found an old journal entry and I thought I’d share it.

If I could, I would climb mountains

If I could I would be a dog walker

If I could I would be a ranger

If I could I would fix this house

If I could, I would laugh and smile.

I still feel trapped by what I can’t do

I want to be free

I’m grateful that I can walk. I’m grateful for my job. I’m grateful for my husband.

I just want to heal and I have to be patient. I have to focus on the good currently in my life.

I look forward to dinner and walking the dogs.

It’ll be nice to make some new friends and learn about Buddhism.

I’m glad that I helped my sister feel more comfortable today.