Hi Sophie

I’m sorry to hear about all of the difficulties with your mother. These things aren’t easy.

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing referring her to professional support.

If it helps any, she may actually gain some self-sufficiency by you stepping back from helping her all the time. I used to help out similarly for a family member who also has autism, but now I take a less involved role.

I realised that my helping out was from conditioning with my own childhood difficulties. I was trying to manage the person’s mood because I was uncomfortable with the person being in a bad mood.

It might be helpful to reflect and dig deeper into some of the reasons you feel a need to help her so much. Your reasoning might be different from my own.

Stepping back from managing someone else’s dysregulation allowed them to take a more active role in managing their own dysregulation.

I do still care, but I don’t overload myself with it anymore. It is important to prioritise managing your own emotional regulation. How will she learn if you don’t model the behaviour she needs to learn? But more importantly, you deserve to be happy and enjoy the relationship with your husband! ❤️

I also had to work on evening out the relationship, so it felt less one sided to me.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? You’re dealing with a lot with the childhood trauma and caregiver burnout.

Clearly you’re a very empathetic and caring person. I can understand your desire to stay in contact with her.

It took some time to get here, but things are in a more positive place now.

It sounds like you are ready to make these changes and definitely need them for your own wellbeing. I wish you a lot of luck in the process!

Please don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. You deserve it and you cannot help anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. ❤️

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to write about anything!

Hi With Feathers

I can hear how meaningful this relationship has been for you and how much it hurts to realise it is drawing to a close. ❤️

These things are difficult and painful, but you will always have your memories together. The way that she touched your heart will stay with you.

It is hard that she is moving on, but happiness is what we all want for our loved ones.

You deserve happiness too. It might not be with her, but you should find it for yourself. ❤️

Hi Anita

It is not easy worrying about loved ones. I hope that everything will be okay! ❤️

My son has been ill and he was not himself. Not wanting to eat, or walk, or play with his toys and sleeping for most of the day. I was worried about him. Fortunately, he is starting to feel better already and has some pep back in his step.

It is a blessing to have people to worry about. Choosing to focus on the love is a beautiful realisation. ❤️

I have a different perspective on love. I think it’s complicated. People are fallible and make mistakes. The need for unconditional love is a human need. Yet, it seems to be getting rarer in this world. That is not to say that people should accept abuse. When lives are not compatible it is necessary to part ways, so everyone can move on and be happy.

Imagine people holding up lighters, gently waving them at a concert. I wish there was an emoji for that. Then a row of them. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Peter. Sitting with some of your thoughts has helped me to understand some things. So thank you!

Hi Anita

I can assure you that there is no criticism in the message. But I understand. I’m just letting you know that, so you don’t have to worry. ❤️

Hi Peter

I love your reflection on the web of being. How poetic! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. ❤️

I agree. As a ex-language teacher, I think it is fascinating how differently words are interpreted. I feel like we mean similar things, but express ourselves in different ways.

I am still learning about human nature! 😊 It makes sense that these things are more complicated to practice than to intellectually understand. It always takes time for my emotions to catch up to my logic. Practice makes perfect.

I feel like life is a balancing act. Both pleasant and unpleasant experiences ultimately have to be accepted. And we have to understand our role in managing our own emotions and behaviour. Maybe that is the stage in life I am at right now. If I don’t do that, I don’t take care of my child properly.

I feel like in a society that focuses so heavily on the individual, now has difficulty accepting other people.

Yes, I think that pathway is necessary to feel a sense of belonging, develop appropriate skills in communication and empathy, then to be strong enough to forge our own path. I wonder if it is possible to teach some of these skills at a younger age… My son is likely autistic. As am I. He will likely have some difficulties with socialising. I hope to teach him to take the difficulties in his stride. I know it is easier said than done though. Time works differently for children. Everything feels like it lasts forever.

I remember watching the first X-Men movie as a child, it was that dark scene with Magneto in the WW2 camp. It lasts about 5 minutes and the rest of the movie was in colour. I turned the movie off because it was a black and white movie and I thought that was boring. 🤦‍♀️ I was wrong, it was a great movie.

I know he will make mistakes, as did I. And it will be my job to support him through it all, as best I can.

I agree with the importance of self-acceptance. I don’t think it’s an easy or intuitive process. It seems to me to happen in stages. Like many things I guess.

It didn’t occur to me until I read somewhere recently that the past occurring in the present should be accepted as part of the present. Something that I have worried about trying to unpick for so long. It’s okay to be there, don’t worry about it! Oh, well no one told me that before. That’s simple! It does sound true. 😊

I dare say that things happen in their own time.

I think that a complexity is choice. Ultimately, we do have to decide our own lives. We are always going to have to be guided by desire as people who live in the world.

Sorry, I think I rambled and got off track! ❤️

Hi Peter

I don’t have the wherewithal to collect my thoughts tonight. I will write to you as soon as I am able. I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you for sharing! ❤️

Hi Peter

I understand what you mean.

For me, my desires related to mental health have varied. From wanting to not feel the pain of the past, trying to unpick the past from the present, wishing to be free of habitual intrusive thoughts. Loving myself, changing myself.

I have achieved some goals, experienced some improvements and lost them, regained them, in the process of regaining them. Some things are achievable, some things aren’t, and some are impermanent and reflect the difficulties in our lives.

True, therapy can reinforce a cycle of attachment to the past (and other things). But I think that it is still helpful to go though it and get to that realisation. Could we get to that realisation without having these experiences?

I recently learned that it is okay to for the past and the present to overlap, for when they do they are both seen as the present. It had never occurred to me before. 😂

I think accepting yourself as you are is a great idea. You are pretty awesome to me! No need to fix what is not broken! I always appreciate your perspective and insights. ❤️

If you would ever like to chat please feel free to email me at tbthrowaway64@gmail.com.

Oh and a quick thought about that Krishnamurti quote about desire. I’m learning that all of these undesirable traits discussed in Buddhism and such are simply human nature. Desire is probably one of the strongest drives that people have. It allows us to exist and function. Ultimately, I think that people are just animals trying to kid themselves that we are not animals because we’re capable of complex thought.

It is wild how quickly children develop preferences for unhealthy things that are tailored for their tastes. Children will abandon vegetables entirely given the chance and reach for the sugary treats any chance they get. Bleh! Plain healthy things are boring.🥱

It is like society trains children to go against their natures. Do this, do that. Resist these instincts, behave in this way. Why? Because it is seen as socially acceptable. Because you will need it to function in this world one day.