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AuthorPosts
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AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thanks, I’m glad that you found it helpful. ❤️
Yes, it is nice to accept each other just as we are, the whole person. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I really appreciate your perspective and insight! Thank you for sharing. ❤️
I feel like these things are really complicated because as you said, narcissists can act in this way, but so can people who aren’t narcissists.
I feel like trauma and neurodivergence can produce very similar patterns.
Autism for example, there is a focus on details and a lack of understanding of context or difficulties with understanding others perspectives. Not because they lack the ability to empathise, purely because it is just not understood. When an effort is made to learn and understand, that is when things can change because they are capable of empathising when they understand the situation.
Trauma, I feel like can cause a focus on fears, as opposed to reality. People can perceive attacks, when it was not intended especially if a trigger is involved.
Not to mention, if two people are just in a high stress situation. Instead of understanding the stress is because of the situation, people can focus on what is right in-front of them, each other instead of the abstract idea of the situation and a cycle of blame can start.
Thanks so much Tee. I just figure I should get a head start on it because these things take time to learn. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
Have a good time offline, thinking of you! ❤️
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful passage. 🙏
AlessaParticipantInterestingly, studies show that when it comes to emotional expression some children are more sensitive to it than others. For autists, they are sensitive and need a low level of emotional expression. For neurotypical children, they actually learn better with moderate levels of emotional expression as it teaches empathy and might just be bored by and ignore low levels of emotional expression. ❤️
AlessaParticipant*considering our individual needs
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
Oh it’s not you Peter, just that I’m not as resilient as I would like to be at the moment. So I can’t do things in an ideal way right now. That is all I meant. ❤️
Yes, I understand what you mean. Sometimes things just take me a while to process because I have a learning difficulty. 😊
Do no harm is a good goal, I just wonder about the practicality sometimes. We can only try our best. 🙏
I appreciate your intentions in discussing how to manage conflict Tee. It is definitely an interesting and I think important conversation to have. ❤️
I feel like conflict is very complex and everyone has their own perspective on how to handle things.
Some things that I find helpful to consider are frequency and intensity of difficulties. Yes, technically some behaviours are abusive. There is even such a thing as reactive abuse where someone will act in these ways to defend themselves. The way I see things is that real abuse occurs frequently and consistently, sometimes in multiple different ways and isn’t reactive, or is severe. That is not to say that other difficulties don’t hurt because they definitely still do. I’m just not going to suggest that it means a person is inherently abusive.
It is difficult because abusive behaviours are very widespread in society. Something like only 20% of people are actually truly healthy 100% of the time. On the other side of the spectrum about 26% of people are abusive. Then there is a lot of variation in the middle. Some people might be able to be healthy under moderate levels of stress, but struggle with being reactive under extreme levels of stress, some people are going to be reactive under moderate levels of stress. So context is important.
Something I like to consider is will this bother me in a week? Will this bother me in a month? In a year? And so on and so forth.
As a parent I think it is really important for me to be understanding of conflict because at some point my son will be a teenager. Teenagers these days tend to be verbally abusive, some even hit their parents, siblings or others at school, but their emotional regulation skills are not fully developed yet. In short, it is something that they struggle to control and a part of their development. It is a parent’s responsibility to handle these difficulties in a healthy way and try not to be reactive which would only traumatise their children. ❤️
The challenge is navigating the difficulties of upbringing and meeting ourselves where we are at with any issues we have and considering their individual needs and what is realistically achievable. Changing behaviours takes time and effort. All anyone can do is try their best. ❤️
For me, alcohol is something that doesn’t mix well with my PTSD. Even something like that can be a factor.
Thank you for your kindness Anita. ❤️
AlessaParticipantWow, such a rich history your country has Yana! Thank you for sharing such a fascinating experience. I’ve always been curious about druids. 🙏
I hope you enjoy the festival! 😊
Your spot sounds really lovely. ❤️
AlessaParticipantYes, there is definitely something to be said for spending time with happy and peaceful people. ❤️
I enjoy when a lot of people experience these things together. When everyone goes to see their favourite band at a concert or in church. So many good vibes! 😊
Thank you for sharing Roberta! That sounds wonderful. ❤️
AlessaParticipantThank you for the beautiful songs Yana! It’s so cool that you wrote one of your own. ❤️
I really like this song I Ain’t Worried by One Republic. 🎶
I don’t know what you’ve been told
But time is running out, no need to take it slow
I’m stepping to you toe-to-toe
I should be scared, honey, maybe so
But I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)Keeping dreams alive, 1999, heroes
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Swimmin’ in the floods, dancing on the clouds below
I ain’t worried ’bout it
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Hey)
I don’t know what you’ve been told
But time is running out, so spend it like it’s gold
I’m living like I’m nine-zeros
Got no regrets even when I’m broke, yeah
I’m at my best when I got something I’m wanting to steal
Way too busy for them problems and problems to feel, yeah, yeah
No stressing, just obsessin’ with sealin’ the deal
I’ll take it in and let it go
But I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Keeping dreams alive, 1999, heroes
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Swimmin’ in the floods, dancing on the clouds below
I ain’t worried ’bout it
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Hey)
Ooh, I ain’t worried
Ooh (ooh), oh, no
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Keeping dreams alive, 1999, heroes
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Swimmin’ in the floods, dancing on the clouds below
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Ooh, hey, yeah)
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Ooh, hey)
I ain’t worried ’bout itAnd I really liked the song Happy by Pharrel Williams. 🎶
It might seem crazy what I am ’bout to say
Sunshine, she’s here you can take a break
I’ma hot air balloon that could go to space, huh
With the air, like I don’t care, baby, by the way, huh
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Here come bad news, talking this and that (talk, yeah)
Well, give me all you got and don’t hold back (yeah)
Well, I should probably warn you, I’ll be just fine (yeah)
No offense to you, don’t waste your time, here’s why
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do (hey, c’mon, uh)
bring me down, can’t nothin’
(Happy) bring me down, my level’s too high
(Happy) to bring me down, can’t nothin’ (huh)
(Happy) bring me down, I said (let me tell you now), uh
can’t nothin’, uh
(Happy, happy), bring me down (happy, happy), my level’s too high
(Happy, happy) to bring me down (happy, happy), can’t nothin’
(Happy, happy) bring me down, I said
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like (uh) that’s what you wanna do (hey, c’mon, uh)
, can’t nothin’
(Happy, happy) uh, bring me down (happy, happy) my level’s too high
(Happy, happy) to bring me down (happy, happy), can’t nothin’
(Happy, happy) bring me down, I said
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you, ay, ay, ay
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you (hey)
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Huh-huh, come onAlessaParticipantMy favourite place is a stream in the woods. I particularly enjoy when it rains because the sound hits the leaves and water. 🍃 💦
It feels very relaxing to just sit, watch the leaves and listen.
I have been watching Alien Earth, the new season of Futurama, the new season of Gen V and rewatching Coyote Ugly (another guilty pleasure).
I really do enjoy stories. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I guess the difficulty for me, is that I have never really felt like a child. I’m what people would describe as an old soul. Even as a child I felt old.
I would say the main difference is that I was quite silly, liked to have fun as a child and had no sense of shame. I just did whatever occurred to me. Running everywhere, rollerblading everywhere even though I was terrible at it and didn’t know how to stop (I would just slam into a wall lol), reading novels everywhere, doing maths in the middle of the night in the summer holidays because my brain was bored and needed something harder to do.
I think that what is really important and often overlooked in adults is a need for unconditional love. Love is given freely to children and pets, but for adults, nope. If they do something wrong they don’t deserve love anymore. I think it’s such a shame and perhaps the wrong approach to life.
No wonder we all feel so separate. Perhaps this is why unconditional positive regard is so important in therapy because people still have that fundamental need and are starved for it. Especially, perhaps the people who came from difficult upbringings and didn’t get it as a child. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
That is honestly fair. ❤️
My interpretation of a lot of concepts of returning to our childhood natures present in a lot of different texts is simply to feel whatever arises and let things go fairly quickly.
I met this Daoist teacher who does precisely that. He was very kind. But also a force of nature. 😊
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
It’s lovely to see such a thoughtful exchange of ideas. ❤️
Sorry Yana for being slow to write. I was having difficulties and I don’t have a lot of time to write because I don’t use my phone when taking care of my son. How are you doing? ❤️
I think it’s healthy to put your needs first. ❤️
For me, anger tends to be a secondary emotion. Fear is the primary one. I was fascinated to learn about secondary emotions, because it’s really impossible to deal with the secondary emotion, without dealing with the primary one.
Yes, I agree it is important to step back from trying to change people. A) People don’t like not feeling accepted. B) It’s literally impossible, because the only person who can change things is themselves. In my experience, change happens slowly over time.
I think it’s really good that you notice how others can influence, Yana. ❤️
What helps me with the influence issue is to be mindful about what I’m looking for from a conversation. If the person doesn’t have a suitable nature, I don’t share my feelings. ❤️
Yes, I think that things have to be managed in a healthy way. Enduring for the sake of it, is not the way to go. ❤️
Personally, I struggle with the balance of managing my own needs vs others sometimes. It is complicated because I have a lot of values. I’m trying to work on figuring that out. I feel like the key might be to put in an equal amount of effort into myself and others. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
Thank you! ❤️ Your bravery, voice and insight are welcome. 😊
I totally understand. I wasn’t offended. If I wasn’t a parent I would have a much easier time with stress. I would honestly agree with you. ❤️
We do have to work within our circumstances and our capacity though. At the moment, I might struggle. Hopefully, in time things get easier for me again.
I feel like conflict is very complex. One of the things that helped me is understanding myself. It is that old adage again. I had no idea how I can come across to people. It is that story of things that people love about others can end up being something they dislike. For me, my bluntness is not an asset in conflict. And unless you tell people that you care and mean well they might never realise it. A good friend told me.
I don’t think of it as changing myself, just trying my best to be more sensitive in sensitive situations.
It is really hard for people to trust as well during conflict. I have struggled with that a lot. But fears do little to build trust. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and see what happens, which can be scary. ❤️
I am reminded of a video of a feral kitten that was placed with a foster mother. The kitten was angry, hissing and swiping. The new mother cat slowly and gingerly sat next to it. Not reacting. When the kitten saw that it was safe, it relaxed.
We all are our own unique and special people bringing life to the world. I think our differences make things better. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that the news is worrying you again. Things are difficult in the world at the moment. Hopefully, things will get better in time. ❤️
Forgiveness is not something that I struggle with anymore fortunately. It took a long time to learn though. In some ways, I’m still learning. The fears are still there during a PTSD episode. I have learned to trust what I have learned when I’m feeling calm instead of accepting the fears as truth. It is not easy to practice ignoring (for lack of better term) fearful thoughts and emotions. Sometimes they can be so strong that they feel true in the moment. I just have to hold onto that things pass in time and only waiting to see will reveal the truth of a situation.
Your message actually helped me to feel calmer. I didn’t necessarily understand it in the moment. But I trust you and know you to be a kind person. I sat with it, trying to understand and thought about it whilst knowing this about you, having your character in mind. Your presence was comforting. ❤️
I don’t want to leave either. I like it here. There are lots of nice people. I think it is a special place. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thanks so much. I appreciate your help. ❤️
I’m sorry that you have also been feeling tired and stressed? I’m sorry for my part in that. ❤️
Please don’t worry. I think outside of conflict people tend to be okay with quotes. ❤️
I am starting to feel better today. I don’t want to leave either. It is a shame that I struggle with stress so much more now being a parent.
All anyone can do is try their best. People get offended sometimes. It happens. ❤️
I appreciate your willingness to learn and reflect. It is not an easy thing. ❤️
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 