Hi Jana and Anita

Thank you for your kind words Anita. 🙏

Jana, you did a good job with reframing the negative thoughts. 😊

I did quite a lot of introspection. Defining my values because a lot of negative thoughts were based on judgements that others might make. Societal expectations and whatnot. My personal values and beliefs are more gentle.

An exercise that Jana might want to try could be defining what the following things mean; weakness, strength, failure and success. See what you think? I did this type of thing when I was in a good mood, so I wouldn’t be harsh on myself.

My core belief was “I’m not good enough.” I kept lists of compliments from people and wrote down the ways in which I am good enough. It really did take time and consistency doing these things to modify my beliefs.

I also worked on planning my life, what I wanted to do with it. Skills to acquire. The kind of person I wanted to be. Goals.

Therapy certainly helped, but I did the bulk of my work on self-compassion outside of therapy. The goal of therapy is to teach you to be your own therapist, so it gave me the tools.

I did exposure therapy to help me to tolerate distress. I found distress tolerance useful for a bunch of different scenarios that helped with my self-compassion. Being a tutor, studying, working helped address my fears of failure.

The basics of exposure therapy are that the more something is avoided, the greater the fear of it. It confirms that you were correct to fear it. When exposing yourself to fear or distress. You’re aiming for a level you can tolerate for about an hour. Which is how long it takes for the body to start to calm down around these things. You note how you feel at the start and after the hour is over and compare the results. The goal is to start off easy and steadily work your way up as you become more confident. And it is okay to do things that make you feel more comfortable. I brought my dog or a friend.

I found external validation helpful personally, because it made me start to believe that if others liked me, then there might be something to it that I can’t deny. It doesn’t take you the whole way though.

I also had some therapy for intrusive (unwanted) thoughts. It was helpful for me to understand the basics for these things happening. The more distressing it seems, the more important it seems to your brain and it is more likely to reoccur. So ultimately, being calm about negative thoughts occurring reduces the chance of them reoccurring. For me they are also more likely to occur with the following factors. Sleep deprivation, pain and hunger. Ultimately, the trauma was the origin.

From my perspective you are managing your life perfectly well Jana. To have your own business is impressive. Having a loving partner, a lovely dog and good relationships with your parents is a beautiful thing. Financial difficulties everyone goes through at some point in life. These things come and go. I think that everyone has their own individual hardships. Yours are just different from theirs.

Hi Anita and Jana

I noticed that we are all similar, yet uniquely different too. That is ultimately what I believe about all people. However, we do have some shared goals, experiences and values that are make us more similar than others.

Well done on overcoming the perfectionism and binge eating Anita! Jana, I’m glad to hear that forgiveness and acceptance bring you feelings of self-liberation.

I’m sorry to hear that you both experienced a lot of criticism. It isn’t easy to deal with. I agree, it is hard work to change these kinds of beliefs.

I would say both. My natural behaviour was heavily modified by both of my families. Allowing myself to do things that I want to do that they would discourage is healing for me. It is nice to allow myself to be without judgement.
In therapy, getting in touch with the inner child’s desires was encouraged.

I would also add that my mind was quite different at different stages in life and it feels like each of those variations is still present in some way.

I guess becoming a parent helped me to realise that no one has to do anything to be a worthy human being. Just being a lovable scamp is enough. 😉 For me not to cringe, I have to believe the affirmation. When I feel it is untrue, that is the difficulty for me. Being a parent has also helped me to grow as a person – becoming more patient, less judgmental and developing some discipline when it comes to managing my emotions.

I look forward to you both elaborating more on your experiences of self-compassion. ❤️

Hi Andy

I’m sorry to hear that your father passed away and you’ve been finding it hard. That is a big thing to go through.

Yes, it is complicated when there is previous trauma. It is not just what is happening, but memories of the past as well. It is also scary being a woman and not being able to physically defend yourself. Often there is a fear of what could happen.

I’m glad to hear that the counselling is helpful! That is a great step. You’re doing all of the right things. Good luck figuring everything out. You’re a good egg for understanding the difficulties that she is experiencing. 😊

Be gentle with yourself because you are having a tough time and you didn’t mean to scare her. ❤️

Hi All

Thank you for the fascinating topic Jana. 😊

I feel like it is a complicated subject.

I feel like a roadblock for me was self-hatred. Often when people are abused from a young age they start to abuse themselves. It is hard to accept yourself when you don’t even like yourself.

I worked hard on changing myself to become someone that I could be proud of and forgave myself too.

I got to the point where I liked myself but such acceptance is conditional and ultimately circumstantial.

As they do, my circumstances changed and I could no longer base my self-esteem on them. I was still the same person and had the same skills, but I still struggled.

Another factor for me is state of mind. This is going to be a unique one to explain. I guess I would say that parts of my mind are fragmented. And seem to be different ages. Another way to put this might be different levels of maturity.

It has always been a bit younger. Child, teenager, young adult. Now there is a new part mature adult.

I have heard recommended before to treat yourself like you are your own parent. I’m finding it rather helpful.

This is where I’m at now. Finally open to trying affirmations, which I have always hated because I couldn’t believe them before.

It is nice to be in a place where I can say nice things about myself without cringing. There is still a way to go, but it is nice nonetheless.

Good luck to everyone on their journey of self-compassion!

Thanks Anita

Keep up your fine work. 😊 You are a treasure! ❤️

Hi Peter

I hope you feel better soon.

Love is an interesting one. I feel like a lot of people treat love as conditional these days. As you say, it is a cultural thing.

However, I do feel like unconditional love is really important and very healing.

Yes, I would suggest that being kind to people no matter how they treat you is important. Even if someone treats you poorly. I feel like it is a matter of principle – a desire not to compromise my values. Not to mention, very few problems are truly serious.

What do you think holding someone accountable means?

“To err is human.”

Everyone has flaws, but I think it is important to accept people as uniquely flawed individuals. It is impossible to get through life unscathed and we all bear the scars that come with that.

The trick is balancing these things whilst protecting ourselves and our loved ones whilst acknowledging that there is only so much that can be done as individuals.

Hi Andy

Well I can understand the concern about the tinder profile. Perhaps she isn’t lying to you and it is an old one? People can forget about these things.

But becoming suspicious and cyber stalking her because she has a facebook page is a bit of a leap.

I can understand why she needs some space because that is a betrayal of her trust in you.

It is difficult because both of you have experienced a lot of trauma in the past. Clearly this is bringing up a lot for you both.

I would recommend having a calm and honest conversation about all of this when things calm down.

It is really hard to trust people after everything both of you have been through. But not everyone treats people terribly. There are good people out there. You thought she was a good person? Try giving her the benefit of the doubt.