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    Hey Anita and rebirthandrestart,

    Sorry It took me a while to write my reply! Thank you for commenting again. I do think my expectations of a relationship and what I should feel can be wrong.  I just always saw this relationship thing as something that I could never obtain because I was not good enough or beautiful enough, and I rarely felt in love with anyone anyway. If I did feel infatuated with someone I was too insecure to reach out. But I was always focused on that feeling, like its the only thing.

    I also thought about my old relationships. They where long and we argued a lot. The guys had no future plans, hobbies or aspirations. I felt stuck with them, but I didn’t want to be alone. I felt more like a parent to them trying to fix them (getting a job, school, housing) than anything. I sometimes, back then, I felt like maybe if I was in love with them also, it would work. Which is totally ridiculous, because It would have just blinded me from these red flags and bad personalities. They honestly felt like a project, I put effort and time in them and eventually I felt cheated because it would always end in an explosion of me getting tired and/or him falling out of love. I was also always their first love.

    I understand butterflies are not so important, maybe its just something I always expected that needed to be there 100%.  Maybe I built this expectation in my mind over the years. I am thinking about seeing a therapist just to figure out what I might have picked up from my past that is still bothering me and keeping me from being happy with him.

    I just got home from seeing him for a week, we had a lot of fun and I tried not to overthink too much when I was with him. But in the back of my mind I just cant kick the feeling. People tell me to trust my gut.

    The little voice in my head says i’m not in love and I am leading him on. I should feel more excited than I do. When he expresses his giddyness and butterflies to me it feels even worse. I have such a good thing right? I cat understand why I’m not more happy and sure like him. Why dont I feel more nervous and EXCITEMENT to see him? He told me he missed me so much it made him a bit depressed, that made me feel a lot of guilt.

    On the other hand I have never had a relationship like this before. We treat each other with respect, want the same things from life and the future. There is little to no arguing or irritations. And I like being intimate with him. Our values, needs and desires seem to be aligned. It feels calm and normal to be with him.

    I also feel like i can talk to him about anything. I could not help but to speak my mind about all of this with him a little bit, he didn’t mind, was very respectful and told me that he cared more about my actions than the way I feel about him on romantic levels. And that I should not overthink everything so much. (I wish I could haha)

    I’m afraid if I follow my gut I am going to throw a good relationship away. In two weeks hes coming to my country to meet my friends and family and i’m excited for that. I want to build a better connection with him, but the distance makes it difficult too.

    I think maybe I would be more at ease if we lived closer to each other, not so much time to ponder and examine how I feel. Its really an obsession. There is also now a chance, that I might not be moving to him in my next job. I might be moving somewhere else in Europe for 8 months. This will make it nearly impossible for us to see each other because of our work and the fact that he is studying. He told me he wants to make it work and well find a way, I am just not as sure as he is because I feel like he is a bit infatuated with me and it just makes the feeling of wanting to be close stronger?

    I am not trying to overthink it and I am focusing on his visit to me in two weeks, which Im really looking forward to!




    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Alisa.

    Hi Anita,


    thank you for your insight and time to write to me. If i am honest, I find it very difficult to relate to even though there is a chance you might be very right. I just never talked about the split up, or lack of feelings for my other relationships.

    I was very lonely and I had two 3 year relationships with guys I felt no attraction for, no fireworks, no chemistry.

    I fear I am doing the same with this guy for some reason. Maybe I feel like I should have stopped at the first few dates, because I told myself I would never go with a guy again that I did not feel butterflies or the ‘in love’ feeling for.

    But it was so much fun to be with him (genuine) and I grew onto him. The uneasy feeling of not having enough sparks follows me around. He clearly has it for me. I wish I could see it separate from his feelings, or my past feelings for other men. Separate it and treat it as something new like you both mentioned.

    I  don’t see him as just a friend, it is something more. But we are on totally different levels, is this okay? Should I talk to him about this? Should I give it a deadline and see how I feel further down the line to avoid hurting ourselves? These questions pop up in my mind.

    Thank you so much


    Hey Anita,

    Thank you for reading. Sorry, now that I read it it does sound confusing.

    I’ve been together for a long time with people because I was lonely, but I had no spark with them and it haunted me. I also had nothing in common with these men and I knew from the beginning it would have no future (nor did I feel like I wanted that with them) It was wrong of me and selfish, hurting both parties. It was because I felt like I was doomed to be alone, and if someone liked me I reached out my hand to them.

    I’ve had butterflies and incredible attraction before, so I know what it feels like. However this was only one sided (from me) and it never went further than longing or a few dates.

    I guess I just want both, I’ve been seeking it for years. But its not like I don’t like the way he looks. I like his face and hair and the way he smells and to cuddle. But I notice that the way he looks at me is fueled by so much more attraction and fireworks. Therefore I feel like it’s unfair to him I don’t have the same attraction and I am haunted again by guilt. I feel almost envious of him!

    With this man however I do have a connection, I feel like I could have an amazing future with him. I want to be content with what I have and feel, but It seems like I can’t for some reason. I don’t want to hurt him, because I feel like he deserves the world.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Alisa.

    Hey! Thank you for reading and your insight. It might be my past yes.

    Ive only had fireworks with guys that where short ‘things’ like a few weeks or dates, or it was one sided (coming from me)

    And I have had longer serious relationships that lasted years I was really extremely unhappy with (not in love, no fireworks) They did not match with me but anything was better than being alone and depressed. I had aversion towards them, didn’t agree with their views or lifestyles.

    This feels like neither of that, I feel like I care deeply about him, but there is no spark (or very little) So I’m scared that I am going to let myself and him down again by staying like the other long relationships I’ve had where I had the same issue. But he is the most caring person I’ve met and we are so alike. Even though we only met in June, I want the best for him.

    I am alone right now we live in different countries, so the fear of being alone this cannot be it. I want to talk about this with him desperately, but I don’t think he knows how I feel at all and I don’t want to hurt him. I guess I just have no idea how to hold this conversation with him, because I don’t know the solution. 🙁

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Alisa.
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