Hi Karyn,

Are you able to and would you consider breaking off your current relationship and moving out on your own without the intent on being with the “other man”?  Maybe it would help to focus on yourself right now and getting yourself into a safe, secure space where you can make a decision that’s not tied to someone else’s life or situation.  I bet that there is some peace to be found in taking responsibility for your own happiness and making a decision to make your life better (even if it means disappointing someone else in the process)– it might help bring more clarity for you on both of these relationships.

I hope this helps some!

Amy

Hi Ramona!

I’m so sorry to hear about your falling out and especially to hear that your former friend said such cruel things to you.  Saying to you that you are “an exhausting friend” and that you are “hard to love” goes above and beyond mere conflict– this is abusive language and makes it very evident that she is willing to try to cut you down on a human level and denigrate your character after having any sort of disagreement.  This is stooping incredibly low and attempt to attack who you are as a human.  This is absolutely red flag behavior that should not be ignored.  A friend who truly cares about you and your well-being would not stoop to such behavior as this.

Good for you that you have not responded to her and I understand that you’d like some closure to the situation.  Unfortunately, you may not be able to get it in this case, or at least maybe not in the way you’d like to.

She sounds like a very volatile and unstable person who tries to blame other people in order to not take responsibility for herself.  Unless and until she is able to calmly acknowledge how she acted unkindly towards you in the face of conflict or accept any sort of responsibility for dragging this situation out, your best bet might be to continue to disengage with her and move on.  It sounds like you’ve been slowly following your intuition in order to not allow her to damage you any further and this is likely the best step!

I hope this is helpful!

Amy

Hi Lunari,

Thanks so much for writing in– I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been involved in such a painful situation with your family and I’m really glad that you’ve decided to seek additional support for yourself!

You are very right that you cannot control your mother and that she will not change.  I do want to stress to you though that her cruel treatment of you and incredibly insensitive comments are not accidental and she absolutely does mean them.  There is no possible way for a mother to emotionally abuse her child, call her names, shame her, etc. and do this accidentally.  Unfortunately, she knows exactly what she is doing and after you reasonably asked her to change her behavior twice, she has refused.

It sounds like you have to live with her for the near future so your best bet would be to minimize contact as much as possible and establish some really strong boundaries with her– especially around your personal life, your dating matters, and your emotional world.  She has proven since you were very young, and even more so as you have become an adult, that she cannot be trusted to be kind, supportive, compassionate, or any of the things that you need and deserve in a mother.  Therefore, she no longer gets unlimited access and knowledge to your college experience, your relationships, etc.  This will be hard at first and she will most definitely not like it.  You do not have to tell her that you are doing this; simply change your behavior.

It’s great that you’ve started to see a therapist for this– I would recommend bringing this up to him/her and asking for help in setting appropriate boundaries with your mother and working to get out of this situation you’re in.  It does not sound all that good for your emotional well-being to be living with her and I would recommend moving out for good as soon as you are able to do so safely and within your financial means.

I’m so sorry that she has been so cruel to you– I wonder if you might be able to push back on some of the insults by saying, “Mom, if you cannot stop yourself from making cruel comments or negative remarks after I try to do something helpful around here like cleaning, I will no longer be available to do so.”

My only other suggestion, specifically since you are asking how to not take every mean comment to heart, would be to build up your own inner resources as much as possible– and, again, I would not tell your mother you are doing this.  She will only be more cruel to you.  Continue going to therapy, see if you can get involved in some social activities, really start investing in as much self-care as you can, whatever that means to you; pedicures, meditation, yoga, boxing class, improv, painting…anything that allows you to relax and take care of yourself.

You sound like such a strong and resilient person and have already gotten through so much with your mom treating you with disrespect and ill-intentions since you were young.  I can say from personal experience that there is definitely a way through this and a way out.

I hope that this helps you out in some way– take what makes sense and leave the rest and good luck!!

Amy

Hi Emma!

Thanks for reaching out– I’m so sorry to hear about all the stuff that is going on– I have to say, I am still very impressed by how much you are still accomplishing and how much you are fighting and advocating for yourself throughout all of this!  It sounds really, really difficult and overwhelming to have so much happening at once.  That’s great to focus on something small like getting dressed especially when things have been as difficult as they are–I have had to do this several times in my life as well when something as small as showering seems like an insurmountable task.  Sometimes it helps to keep your focus on such a small task; no problem with that.

That’s awesome that you are taking yourself on photography adventures and letting yourself have some healing time alone and to explore!  Birds are very pretty and that’s so nice that it’s a great time of year/season to photograph them.  I wish you were able to post the sunset picture you took; I’m sure it’s beautiful! Do you have other artistic hobbies as well?

I can understand that it’s really hard to trust people; especially with all of the different medical situations you have going on.  It sounds like you still continue to advocate for yourself though even though it’s so difficult and complicated.  This is really great that you’re doing this.  It all seems to be really frustrating though; I’m sending positive vibes your way and hoping that you catch a break soon!  Would it be possible for you to find a new art therapist who is able to accommodate your scheduling needs?

I hope that your day has gotten a bit better!  Hang in there– everything changes and hopefully things will settle down so you can get a breather.

Amy

Hi Emma! Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing– please let me know if I can support you in any way! I hope that all is well!

Amy

Emma,

In response to your earlier note, I’m glad that you wrote back in!  I’m also glad to hear that you are continuing to work with paramedics, sometimes one-on-one and sometimes with two.  It’s good to hear that you are seriously thinking about going to see a doctor and that you’d also have the support in getting there and getting home.  It’s totally understandable that you would be feeling anxious and I hope that there is a female doctor who will be working so that you can get the support you need.  This is such a good step that you’re already voicing your needs around how they can help best serve you!

I’m sorry to hear that your friend didn’t reach back out to you even after you opened up to them emotionally and let them know what you were going through.  I’m sure it wasn’t easy to open up in the first place and to not get a response that you were hoping for can also be painful.

As far as the sharing– I think you’re your own best advocate and to make judgement calls as what you think is safe information to share in different capacities.  Some people are safe to share with and some people are not.  Different situations call for different levels of sharing, so try to tune into your body to see when it’s telling you that you feel safe enough to share vs. when you are experiencing discomfort or disease that might signify that you’re not in a safe space or place to share.

I hope that this helps!  As always, please keep posting here and I’m happy to help as best I can!

Amy

Hi Emma,

I hope that you are doing OK and just wanted to check in on you!  Please feel free to respond to this chain at any time if you could use some extra support.  I hope that all is well!

Amy

Hi Emma,

Thanks for your reply– I’m glad to hear that it’s helping if even the smallest amount!  It absolutely makes sense that you are struggling right now and that you don’t want to feel anything.  Protection mode is a totally natural thing and makes sense that this is happening to you after what you’ve been through.  Your body and mind are working hard to protect you and wanting to sleep more and go into a sort of hibernation in order to be safe is what you’re craving.

I’m so sorry to hear about the national loss of the hockey team– it sounds like there is an awful lot going on in your world right now and everything seems upside down.

Please do write back in when you feel up for it and we will be here!  FYI– I am pretty sure that you are still able to use the resources mentioned previously if you are in Canada– both the online chat functionality and phone lines are accessible to U.S. and Canada.

Amy