Forum Replies Created
June 22, 2018 at 2:04 pm #213669
Are you able to and would you consider breaking off your current relationship and moving out on your own without the intent on being with the “other man”? Maybe it would help to focus on yourself right now and getting yourself into a safe, secure space where you can make a decision that’s not tied to someone else’s life or situation. I bet that there is some peace to be found in taking responsibility for your own happiness and making a decision to make your life better (even if it means disappointing someone else in the process)– it might help bring more clarity for you on both of these relationships.
I hope this helps some!
AmyMay 31, 2018 at 12:36 pm #210241
I’d like to add also that it was incredibly brave of you to state your clear need and boundary that you were feeling vulnerable and afraid of being misunderstood. To be able to voice your boundaries and needs in a relationship (romantic and friendship) is one of the clearest signs of a healthy relationship and can often be hard to be so open and vulnerable. So for her to follow up to your display of courage and vulnerability with such hatred and cruel language is especially cause for concern.May 31, 2018 at 12:32 pm #210239
I’m so sorry to hear about your falling out and especially to hear that your former friend said such cruel things to you. Saying to you that you are “an exhausting friend” and that you are “hard to love” goes above and beyond mere conflict– this is abusive language and makes it very evident that she is willing to try to cut you down on a human level and denigrate your character after having any sort of disagreement. This is stooping incredibly low and attempt to attack who you are as a human. This is absolutely red flag behavior that should not be ignored. A friend who truly cares about you and your well-being would not stoop to such behavior as this.
Good for you that you have not responded to her and I understand that you’d like some closure to the situation. Unfortunately, you may not be able to get it in this case, or at least maybe not in the way you’d like to.
She sounds like a very volatile and unstable person who tries to blame other people in order to not take responsibility for herself. Unless and until she is able to calmly acknowledge how she acted unkindly towards you in the face of conflict or accept any sort of responsibility for dragging this situation out, your best bet might be to continue to disengage with her and move on. It sounds like you’ve been slowly following your intuition in order to not allow her to damage you any further and this is likely the best step!
I hope this is helpful!
AmyMay 22, 2018 at 1:53 pm #208831
So sorry to hear about all the latest updates and changes that have been happening– sounds extremely disorienting and hard to deal with on top of everything you were already dealing with! Are you able to look into getting a therapist or counselor who would work with you in addition to the art therapist? I understand that it’s one additional step to have to worry about, but it might help to be able to discuss all of this with one person who would be able to be a consistent source of support for you. Maybe you’d be able to start looking into this on your own before August so that you’re able to make the transition on your own terms and feel more in control of the decision, rather than just wait for them to dictate to you where and when you have to go? Just a suggestion.
Also– I understand your concern around the crisis lines…if you have a smart phone, there is a really great app called Pacifica that has all kinds of support groups/chatrooms that you can access and talk to users in similar circumstances or situations. Have you heard of this one yet? I highly recommend it and perhaps this would be a good alternative to using the crisis lines.
Hang in there!!
AmyMay 16, 2018 at 12:57 pm #207785
Thanks so much for writing in– I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been involved in such a painful situation with your family and I’m really glad that you’ve decided to seek additional support for yourself!
You are very right that you cannot control your mother and that she will not change. I do want to stress to you though that her cruel treatment of you and incredibly insensitive comments are not accidental and she absolutely does mean them. There is no possible way for a mother to emotionally abuse her child, call her names, shame her, etc. and do this accidentally. Unfortunately, she knows exactly what she is doing and after you reasonably asked her to change her behavior twice, she has refused.
It sounds like you have to live with her for the near future so your best bet would be to minimize contact as much as possible and establish some really strong boundaries with her– especially around your personal life, your dating matters, and your emotional world. She has proven since you were very young, and even more so as you have become an adult, that she cannot be trusted to be kind, supportive, compassionate, or any of the things that you need and deserve in a mother. Therefore, she no longer gets unlimited access and knowledge to your college experience, your relationships, etc. This will be hard at first and she will most definitely not like it. You do not have to tell her that you are doing this; simply change your behavior.
It’s great that you’ve started to see a therapist for this– I would recommend bringing this up to him/her and asking for help in setting appropriate boundaries with your mother and working to get out of this situation you’re in. It does not sound all that good for your emotional well-being to be living with her and I would recommend moving out for good as soon as you are able to do so safely and within your financial means.
I’m so sorry that she has been so cruel to you– I wonder if you might be able to push back on some of the insults by saying, “Mom, if you cannot stop yourself from making cruel comments or negative remarks after I try to do something helpful around here like cleaning, I will no longer be available to do so.”
My only other suggestion, specifically since you are asking how to not take every mean comment to heart, would be to build up your own inner resources as much as possible– and, again, I would not tell your mother you are doing this. She will only be more cruel to you. Continue going to therapy, see if you can get involved in some social activities, really start investing in as much self-care as you can, whatever that means to you; pedicures, meditation, yoga, boxing class, improv, painting…anything that allows you to relax and take care of yourself.
You sound like such a strong and resilient person and have already gotten through so much with your mom treating you with disrespect and ill-intentions since you were young. I can say from personal experience that there is definitely a way through this and a way out.
I hope that this helps you out in some way– take what makes sense and leave the rest and good luck!!
AmyMay 8, 2018 at 6:31 am #206099
Sorry to hear you are in so much pain right now and there is so much struggling. 🙁 It does sound like you had a really hard day yesterday. That was very kind and thoughtful of you to call up the manager of the coffee shop to apologize. It shows how thoughtful and polite you are with other people even when you are really having a hard time. Sometimes emotions feel like too much to handle and we blow up at people; don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve done it before too.
Maybe you’re right about not focusing on retelling your story right now– that’s totally OK. Maybe it’s best right now to focus small things that you can control– taking time to take photographs, taking walks, looking for birds. Do you have a pet? Taking daily showers, dressing comfortably, eating healthy foods if/when you can. Any small thing to get you through the day. Sometimes that’s what it takes. I know you’re in so much pain right now and I really I wish I could make it better for you– I’m so proud of you for sticking through this and fighting for yourself even when it’s hard!!
AmyMay 7, 2018 at 1:12 pm #205999
Thanks for reaching out– I’m so sorry to hear about all the stuff that is going on– I have to say, I am still very impressed by how much you are still accomplishing and how much you are fighting and advocating for yourself throughout all of this! It sounds really, really difficult and overwhelming to have so much happening at once. That’s great to focus on something small like getting dressed especially when things have been as difficult as they are–I have had to do this several times in my life as well when something as small as showering seems like an insurmountable task. Sometimes it helps to keep your focus on such a small task; no problem with that.
That’s awesome that you are taking yourself on photography adventures and letting yourself have some healing time alone and to explore! Birds are very pretty and that’s so nice that it’s a great time of year/season to photograph them. I wish you were able to post the sunset picture you took; I’m sure it’s beautiful! Do you have other artistic hobbies as well?
I can understand that it’s really hard to trust people; especially with all of the different medical situations you have going on. It sounds like you still continue to advocate for yourself though even though it’s so difficult and complicated. This is really great that you’re doing this. It all seems to be really frustrating though; I’m sending positive vibes your way and hoping that you catch a break soon! Would it be possible for you to find a new art therapist who is able to accommodate your scheduling needs?
I hope that your day has gotten a bit better! Hang in there– everything changes and hopefully things will settle down so you can get a breather.
AmyApril 26, 2018 at 9:59 am #204279
No need to apologize at all for writing a lot– I’m really glad that you touched base again and I’m so sorry to hear about everything that is happening. If you want to write even more and that helps you to get it out or to just process things, feel free to do so and I am happy to be a sounding board! It definitely sounds like so much to deal with and I bet that it feels all-encompassing, like you can’t even get a break or get away– I’ve been there before too and can relate to how heavy and suffocating it can all feel when everything seems to be happening at the same time.
I’m really proud of you for working through all of your anxieties and stresses about going to the ER and that you were able to show up! You were able to complete the visit even though it was so frustrating and stressful– that’s really impressive that you stuck it out even though the results were not at all what you expected or deserved. That’s a small and important act of self-care that you got yourself there and tried to get some medical assistance!
So sorry to hear about the mental health worker situation as well; 8-10 years is such a long time to get to know someone and trust them, it must be very painful to be coming to the end of this relationship. It really makes a lot of sense that it is kicking up all sorts of heavy emotions especially with all the rest of the stuff you have going on. Do you think you’d be able to or would feel comfortable talking to your existing health worker about some of the stuff that’s been going on (including the transition)? I think she may be open to discussing this and would want you to feel as comfortable as possible with the transition. I can also see though how it probably feels like she’s leaving you alone after being with her so long– the fact that she’s bringing in a new person for the transition might be a good thing, even though it doesn’t really feel like it now. Hopefully your mental health worker knows you well enough by now that she’s likely thought about getting the best fit for you as possible!
If you are having suicidal thoughts again, it might help to try one of the online chat options; they have some really great resources available and people are always around to help. It’s always anonymous, so you don’t even have to worry about them knowing who you are and it might be helpful to have someone to guide you through those thoughts as they are happening. You are doing such a great job though at persisting and getting through all of this– please keep hanging in there and keep us updated! You are not alone in this!!
AmyApril 24, 2018 at 1:23 pm #203927
Hi Emma! Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing– please let me know if I can support you in any way! I hope that all is well!
AmyApril 20, 2018 at 4:02 pm #203407
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you– did you end up going today or did you push it off until a female is able to see you? I understand that it would be anxiety-provoking if two people are in the room with you. Was that just the offer if the doctor was male so that you would have a female with you? How are you feeling about it now?
Yes, I think we can assume that anita has left the chain. I’m glad that you felt supported and that I was able to help! I know that you’re going through a really stressful time and feel isolated in this, and I want you to feel like you are supported and have some backup while you’re going through it! What are your next steps?
Please keep me posted and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!! Hope all is well and you’re making it through your weekend! Make sure to do some nice things for yourself especially to balance out all the stress and anxiety. I’m sending positive thoughts and vibes your way!!! <3
AmyApril 18, 2018 at 7:31 am #202985
In response to your earlier note, I’m glad that you wrote back in! I’m also glad to hear that you are continuing to work with paramedics, sometimes one-on-one and sometimes with two. It’s good to hear that you are seriously thinking about going to see a doctor and that you’d also have the support in getting there and getting home. It’s totally understandable that you would be feeling anxious and I hope that there is a female doctor who will be working so that you can get the support you need. This is such a good step that you’re already voicing your needs around how they can help best serve you!
I’m sorry to hear that your friend didn’t reach back out to you even after you opened up to them emotionally and let them know what you were going through. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to open up in the first place and to not get a response that you were hoping for can also be painful.
As far as the sharing– I think you’re your own best advocate and to make judgement calls as what you think is safe information to share in different capacities. Some people are safe to share with and some people are not. Different situations call for different levels of sharing, so try to tune into your body to see when it’s telling you that you feel safe enough to share vs. when you are experiencing discomfort or disease that might signify that you’re not in a safe space or place to share.
I hope that this helps! As always, please keep posting here and I’m happy to help as best I can!
AmyApril 18, 2018 at 7:20 am #202981
Anita– these questions are very invasive and I don’t think that they are very helpful nor would they help solve anything, although I think that’s what you are trying to do (help– I hope). As you mention, rape is absolutely a sensitive topic and you should not be prying into the details of what happened to Emma nor asking for the how’s and what’s about how it went down. This is incredibly personal and private information that is totally irrelevant to helping and supporting Emma through this.
I think it would have been best to sit with your own uncomfortable feelings about the word and concept of “rape” and do your own inner reflection on why that is bringing up so many strong feelings and what this has to do with you; rather than ask such prying and inappropriate questions of someone on the internet who has been so, so vulnerable and open to just start exploring these things. It would have been appropriate to go with those uncomfortable feelings and not pry further. Asking these questions can be just as damaging in a much different and I’m really disappointed to see this.
Emma– please do not answer these questions. This is not appropriate and you are well within your rights to share what information you want, when you want. This applies to the paramedics as well.April 17, 2018 at 2:57 pm #202899
I hope that you are doing OK and just wanted to check in on you! Please feel free to respond to this chain at any time if you could use some extra support. I hope that all is well!
AmyApril 12, 2018 at 7:35 am #201973
Thanks for writing back in, it’s good to hear back from you and I’m so sorry to hear that you were raped again. Are there any therapists or counselors in your community that you would be able to speak to? It seems like you are doing a pretty good job of advocating for yourself right now even though it might not feel like it– you’re very aware of your feelings and thoughts, you know when you are isolating, you continue to reach out to the TinyBuddha community when you are really hurting and need the extra help (please keep doing this!), and you are even working through your pain by painting and doing artwork to express yourself when you are able to. This is all incredibly impressive and it’s no small feat, either!
I really like the mandala and think it’s a great thing to take up during this time. It’s totally natural to not feeling motivated to do anything, but you should be proud of yourself for getting through the days. Are there other hobbies or things that allow you to be present and focused?
You’re not alone; I care about you and have been thinking of you this past week hoping that you would write back in and I’m glad that you did! Have you been sleeping ok?
AmyApril 10, 2018 at 7:44 am #201631
Thanks for your reply– I’m glad to hear that it’s helping if even the smallest amount! It absolutely makes sense that you are struggling right now and that you don’t want to feel anything. Protection mode is a totally natural thing and makes sense that this is happening to you after what you’ve been through. Your body and mind are working hard to protect you and wanting to sleep more and go into a sort of hibernation in order to be safe is what you’re craving.
I’m so sorry to hear about the national loss of the hockey team– it sounds like there is an awful lot going on in your world right now and everything seems upside down.
Please do write back in when you feel up for it and we will be here! FYI– I am pretty sure that you are still able to use the resources mentioned previously if you are in Canada– both the online chat functionality and phone lines are accessible to U.S. and Canada.