Anita,

I think you hit the nail on the head. His relationship with his father was strained and he spoke of his father negatively. He said his father had extreme social anxiety and instead of dealing with it, he attempted to control every situation so it went exactly the way he wanted it to go. If his father couldn’t control it, he would avoid it. The resentment he felt towards his father was palpable whenever he talked about him. He would talk about essentially battling his father, how he used conversations about, say, where they would go out to dinner as an opportunity to “not let him control the situation.” He would always say things along the lines of “I’m not going to let him get away with this behavior.”

His conversations with his father, that I witnessed or that he related to me, often seemed like a battle of wills. I’d watch them both argue about something really insignificant, each stubbornly claiming the other was wrong and didn’t know what they were talking about. And that’s always what it was about- being right. They both just had to be right. Again, it was one of those situations where I couldn’t really say anything to get him to see a new perspective, have him try to let go and accept his father for who he was instead of trying to change him or show him that he was wrong. His anger around the situation was so intense that I just instinctively knew better than to try to say anything about it.

I see now that he was playing that dynamic out in our relationship. He probably saw my attempts to set boundaries or have my wants/needs addressed as me trying to control the situation. His father has anxiety, and I have anxiety, therefore I was just like his father. So he treated me the way he treats his father- by showing and explaining how he is right, by making me feel like I was wrong or bad for wanting to do things differently. And yes- by being angry. I’m seeing that now, all of the ways that he was very angry and frustrated with me for the smallest things I would do.

Perhaps I was always trying to have a conversation about what works best for both parties, but knowingly or not, he was always engaging in a battle of wills. I see how that played out in his “ideal” way a relationship should function- he plans things and I go along, then I plan things and he goes along. He had no interest in truly working together, just taking turns submitting to each other’s wishes. Except, of course, I ended up doing the submitting, and the few times he did things “my way” were used against me when I tried to talk about how things weren’t working for me. We went over that point again and again, and I could never really get him to see my perspective.

I’m also seeing now that this is perhaps why I endured the relationship for as long as I did, and why I felt compelled to keep trying to make it work. My step-father was a very angry man, and had an angry way of relating. My childhood with him was always about structuring our lives, days, and behaviors around “not making Mark mad.” He was never physically abusive, so I’m not sure that any of us understood how threatened we were by his anger. I remember once my Mom took me and my brother out for ice cream, and she was frantic about us hiding all of the evidence, and adamant about how we were to never tell him about it, how it was our secret. I felt bad and wrong for even just existing, for being a kid and doing kid things. Everything was always tense, I felt like I always had to be on guard lest I make a mistake and set him off. Maybe that’s why I can handle relationships that aren’t peaceful- some part of me thinks tension is normal in relationships.

And even to this day, though she divorced him years ago, my Mom will still talk about my step-dad’s good qualities, how he was a good provider and a hard worker. I think I was essentially trained to be submissive to angry men, and to look at their anger towards me as a sign that I had done something wrong. If I’m honest with myself, my father also has a temper and was often angry, and I had to tiptoe around him as well. His anger issues have gotten exponentially better in the last 5 years or so, but he was angry throughout my childhood. Maybe that’s what I subconsciously think love and relationships with men looks like- waiting out the anger, trying to change myself so they are less angry.

I’m getting pretty emotional typing all of this out. If all of this is true, which it feels like it is, I struggle with what I do with the information. How do I break this pattern? How do I recognize the anger for what it is early on? I want and know I need to take some time before I begin dating again, but I want to make sure I know how to break this pattern before I try to put myself out there again.

Hi Anita,

I attempted to post earlier but I don’t think it went through. We ended our relationship this morning. We both knew it was at an end, but I went over there to essentially finalize and have a final discussion after not speaking to each other all day yesterday (unheard of for us). Though the split was civil and amicable, and we said kind things to each other, he did not apologize for the ways he hurt me this week by forgetting our plans in favor of more enticing ones that came along. He acknowledged that this happened, and acknowledged his unwillingness to change or compromise. This was confirmation to me of all the things I’ve been discussing here. We did not focus on any of this, as it seemed pointless and draining considering we were ending the relationship because we both knew it would not be resolved. I did not wish to force him to admit he was being selfish and to apologize. He stated that he does not want to change who he is, and it’s not for me to tell him he needs to make that change. It was just our time to part ways. He did want to stay friends, and I told him I would need some space and time to re-calibrate.

I am so grateful for everyone’s messages on here, as they have helped me think about and work through some very painful and confusing days. I’m sad and hurt, but deep down know this is for the best.

I believe you are right, Anita, when you talk about my fundamental belief that I am wrong that was with me before this relationship. I also believe it stems from childhood. I currently intern at a domestic violence shelter, and it is from this experience that I learned that my step-father of 11 years was extremely controlling as well as emotionally and economically abusive. I have other issues from childhood as well. I have been seeing a therapist on campus for awhile now, but our focus shifts and we’ve dealt a lot with my anxiety and history of sexual assault, as for the duration of this relationship I’ve believed that those were my primary problems. I’m seeing now that I need to focus more on why I always tend to blame myself when things are difficult.

Thank you for your insight. I’ve spent many years on a journey to healing and wholeness, and despite the sadness I feel from this relationship, I am excited and grateful to be continuing this journey and see what else I am able to learn from this situation.

Thank you Anita and Inky. I did not bring up the anxiety issue with him, but at the beginning of this week I did attempt to do some of the things I had promise him I would work on- being assertive and taking initiative to invite him to things. Even though our big “fight” about all of this was Saturday/Sunday, we only made it until yesterday without issue. On Monday I had invited him to rock climb on Friday, though in the morning rather than at night when he usually goes (last weekend we had even discussed how I would be able to participate in more activities if we could do them earlier, as I have a hard time with hard physical activity late at night, and he enthusiastically said he could do mornings if I suggested it). I also invited him to go for a hike/bike ride on Saturday as that is the only day the weather will be nice here.

Wednesday night (last night), he mentioned rock climbing with a friend on Saturday, but said he was going to tell him he preferred to go Friday. I was silent because honestly I was kind of stunned, and kind of reeling from the fact that in less than 48 hours he had forgotten that he had said he would go rock climbing with me. He noticed, and said “oh yeah, you wanted to go climbing on Friday.” Long story short, he then kept pushing me to go late afternoon/evening on Friday when I had originally said I wanted to go in the morning . He said “so if we (meaning him and his friend) go late in the afternoon you won’t have the energy and won’t want to go at all?” I even compromised and said I would go early afternoon, that I just didn’t want to go late and not get home until midnight or later. He responded by saying that he liked to go Friday nights because it’s a “Friday night thing, to go out on Friday nights.” I said I understood, but that I had a lot of homework to do Saturday which is why I didn’t want to be out late on Friday and why I originally suggested Saturday morning. He said “soo…you don’t like going on out Friday nights” in a really kind of dismissive tone, like there was something wrong with me.

We didn’t finish the conversation because I had walked into the kitchen to start making dinner, and I was so hurt by his behavior I didn’t know what to do. We argued about another issue a few minutes later, a camping trip we are trying to plan for after the semester is over. I had said a week ago that I didn’t want to go with a large group, that I preferred a smaller group especially because I won’t know any of the people he is inviting. He gets mad whenever we talk specific numbers, but had agreed on a smaller group. Last night, however, he named off at least 7+ people that were interested that he had talked to about it, who will also most likely bring friends. When I very quietly stated that I thought we had agreed on a smaller group, he again got very angry with me, and basically wanted an explanation for why I wasn’t as gung-ho about it as he was. I gave a few reasons, but he shot those down. Regardless, at the end of the day I just feel like he doesn’t care about my preference or what I’m comfortable with. This morning he started a facebook group and invited a bunch of people, even more names then he mentioned last night, and started planning with them. I have yet to respond to the group.

Anyway, I give all of this detail because I feel like 3 days after our big long discussions about our relationship, that I was hoping for more effort on his part to compromise with me. Instead, I felt again like he would only ever be happy if we did things exactly his way. We had issues only because I refused to back down from stating what I wanted. I didn’t even tell him “this is what we have to do or else” I just was trying to let him know where I stood and what would work for me. I was kind of shocked with how little he seemed to want to work with me and how little he cared for what I wanted. He just seemed to be mad and upset that I wasn’t as stoked about everything as he was. I was hurt by the fact that he forgot our plans for Friday (then remembered) and completely forgot our plans for Saturday. What’s the point of me making plans with him if he’s just going to conveniently “forget” about them when he has offers from other people that are more in line with what he wants?

I’m sorry I’m rambling here. It’s been a hard day and I’m exhausted. I don’t even want to talk to him about any of it because I’m just…tired. Tired of trying to make this work, tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I don’t live my life exactly the way he does.

Thank you for listening, your thoughts on my taking care of myself helped me to not back down from re-stating what it was I wanted from these situations. I fear that our relationship will not survive, however. I feel like a failure, but I don’t know what else I can do without completely sacrificing all of my wants and needs.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. A lot of what you said rings very true to me. I struggle because he does communicate well with me- the first man to do so in my life- and we are able to talk about these issues openly. He will listen to what I have to say. Won’t walk away when I’m crying. So these times when we’re “fighting” (really they are just more of long discussions), I feel a good emotional connection to him. But other times…not so much. I feel as if I spend a lot of time attempting to understand him, his needs, and where he is coming from. I don’t always feel that I get the same treatment- that he views my need for more down time and planning as laziness and anxiety, or simply as not making him a priority. He’s said things like “you could put 70% of the effort in at school and still get a 4.0,” but doesn’t seem to understand that I want to put that effort in at school, that it’s important to me. For him, school is a means to an end and his activities are his priority.

He wants me to to come along on his activities because he wants to share the things he loves, and I enjoy these activities too- just not at the intense level he does (I might like a 10 mile bike ride, while he wants to go for 40).  He says he wants to share in the things that I love, but says I don’t invite him to do so. And we go back to the me not having time issue.

He’s never once referred to himself as anxious, he doesn’t believe he struggles with anxiety, though my anxiety is always an issue in our relationship. It’s funny that you point that out, because I’ve always secretly guessed that his behavior is anxious behavior due to the fact that he always needs stimulus/distraction and/or to not be alone. He’s one of those people that is on his phone 24/7 and is always doing 4 things at once. I’m more of your steady, want to be present with who I’m with and what I’m doing kind of people. The thing is, when his attention is on me, it’s great. But many times his attention is split if it’s there at all. He was previously in a 12 year relationship, dated a few other women short term in the interim before meeting me, but sometimes I think he just wants the security, stability, and comfort of a long-term relationship without putting in the day-t0-day effort to get there.

I suppose I just worry that I was single for so long, without ever dating (for at least 2-5 years) that I sometimes think I am selfish and needy and don’t make time for others the way that I should. But I do spend a lot of time with him, even if it’s just eating dinner together. But then he’ll say things like “most of the time all we do is I cook dinner for you.” The one thing you said- about him never being satisfied with my efforts- really struck a cord with me. I’m afraid that’s how I feel, but I’m also afraid that my expectations are too high.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Kayla.