Dear One, as I read your story my heart goes to you.
I’m also asking the same question from myself nowadays.
What I can advise you is a book on finding ourselves and not depending on others.
I’m sure you will find your answers with some help.

The title of the book is: CODEPENDENT NO MORE: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself
By Melody Beattie

I’m reading this book now and it helped me understand how things work and how to start getting over our self-hatred.

YOU can do it too!!! I’m sure about that!!! 😉

I hope the best for you!