Thank you Inky and Anita for sharing your perspectives.  It really helps my wounded heart and my frazzled nerves.  My sister is excellent at blameshifting and she has sent me many angry emails accusing me of abandoning her and she has also knit together stories of seeing me in public and that I “shunned” her.  Honestly if our paths crossed, I didn’t see her, and after reading her accusations, I felt concerned about the intensity of her anger.  I just called to have my locks changed.  I need to have good physical and emotional boundaries and release her to her own choices and their consequences.  Thank you for helping me move toward greater peace as I grieve the loss of who I thought she was and the relationship we shared.

I think you are completely right.  Now how do I unplug this pathological caretaking?  I was the parentified child.  I want to rescue my sibs and I can’t.

Our parents are narcissists.  Not malignant narcissists.  Our father is a fragile narcissist who used his high prestige profession to feed his fragile ego.  Our mother was detached and self focused while we were growing up.  My sister was always difficult and explosive.  She engaged in screaming matches with our father and would use profanity even as a young teen.  She started sneaking out in adolescence and sneaking boys into her room at night.  She finished college, but always preferred to hang out with a rough crowd.  I think she drinks too much but she has never been addicted to drugs.  I know she has used weed and LSD casually.  One boyfriend did meth, but I never saw signs she was using that.  She loves drama.  She records reality television shows and she is attracted to people with intense, chaotic, and dramatic things happening in their lives.  She rarely contacts my parents unless she wants something.  They connected to her through things, providing money.  My father gave her cash and cars without question.  She has never wanted for any material things.  She is almost 40 and has never bought her own vehicle.  She has several younger siblings and she was verbally abusive to them.  She is superficially kind and says all the right things but her actions rarely match her words.  As our younger sister was being diagnosed with cancer (we were on our way to see the oncologist) our sister was engineering a way she could borrow one of our vehicles to get her hair done.  She is very focused on her appearance.