I’ve been struggling deeply for the past few days. After my ex received my list, he told me he is coming here to make things right. That he does not want to lose me and the kids and is willing to quit his job and move here because “that is best for all of us”, as I told him I would not move the kids away from here. He has spoken with my Dad. After their conversation my Dad feels that he is genuinely trying but is struggling to grasp the issues at hand, but is trying his best to understand and work on this.
“I woke to a flurry of text messages saying these things:

You know I love you and want t be with you and make it right for all of us. I told you I’m coming to make it right. I hope your heard and believe in me to make it right and will give me the opportunity to do so. I take responsibility for my actions and understand where we are and what you want. I said to you I am willing and WANT to make it happen. I love you with everything I have. I hope you understand leaving a job has to be done the right way so it can afford us the opportunity to get a job back in coaching in the future”

I spent about 45 minutes laying on the floor in my office sobbing today. The smallest tasks are very difficult. Taking care of my children is difficult. I want to swoop them under my arms and hug them so tight and sit with them all day. I have lost 10 pounds.

Thank you Anita. You are being incredibly helpful 🙂

My Dad has always said that if this man could just get through whatever is stopping him from following through, he would make a wonderful partner/husband. I don’t necessarily need my father’s approval. Rather, I trust my dad’s judgement very much.

He emailed me about some business (sending some items) and stated he did not want to break up and believes we can be a family.
This was my response:
“I did not want this either. At all.

Unfortunately you are incapable of keeping your word, following through, or able to admit you have serious issues with commitment. And I can’t have the kids constantly exposed to someone who does not keep their word.

The kids and I did not deserve to be put off for so long and for no apparent reason. I do not have faith in your word. At all. If you say you’ll do something, it is not done. I DO think you do not allow yourself to be the best you can be and honor your word. You need to figure out why you make promises and don’t follow through. Or at least admit it is a personality flaw and why.

I am no longer going to put the kids through this unless we have an absolute come to Jesus about what in your personality makes you this way, devise a plan to become a man of your word, you have a conversation with my parents, and you move here to be with us without delay. These are the deal breakers.”

I am giving him room to do something. So, now, here I sit with the hope that he is going to make drastic change and show up. That my words will be the things that slap him into reality that he has work to do. I’m sure they won’t be.

I’m sorry that I’m back. New emotions keep rising or previously felt ones keep circling.

This morning I am feeling:
I should give him one more chance. I love him.
I’m so disappointed to be alone. Even though he lives far off, I had someone to share things with who loves me. The day to day texts and phone call catch up’s are so missed.
I am consciously reaching out to my family when I’m feeling struggle and they are being supportive. I’m afraid if I hold any of this in, I will try to contact him. I’m also worried my family will get tired of listening to my whining.

I am feeling a lot of sadness today. And I cannot eat anything.

What can I learn from this relationship?

I can learn to follow my gut. There were inklings all along that he was a man of many words and few actions. In the future I will listen to that voice and not take lightly my instincts. If something seems off and I ask about it, if clear answers are not given, that means something.

I have learned that I deserve to put myself and my children first. Always.

I have learned that I need to be dependent on myself. Financially, especially. Even though we did not share money, I felt relief thinking I would soon have dual income. It was a comforting feeling. Now that possibility is gone I feel unstable and insecure financially. I need to feel secure in myself financially somehow.

I have learned that when my good friend and parents are concerned about a mate, there is generally something to think about. These are people who only want the best for me. As outsiders, they can see things from afar that I can’t when I’m so close in.

“I think not following through repeatedly what one says to a child who loves you is outside the definition of a good person.”

This. I have to protect their hearts. And even if he really WAS going to show up in 2 weeks and propose, this is something that would filter into a marriage since he is never willing to accept that he has issues.

So, I try to shuffle through my hurt and disappointment knowing it is what is the absolute best for myself and my children.

He keeps his family at arms length now. He sees them, but there isn’t any kind of emotional closeness.

I would always ask him if he was afraid or nervous about committing and he constantly confirmed to me that he was not afraid. That he couldn’t wait until we could all be together as a family. He is a big, strong, super tall basketball coach. On his outside he is all solid.