Thank you again, your words are so very helpful.  I have noticed that pull towards suspicion, paranoia, and negativity today but I was able to not get involved with it.  I keep whispering to myself, “one week.”  I think that if I can see the rewards of one week of consciously working towards my goals and not allowing my thoughts to take me  under, I will be able to continue.  One thing I have noticed in myself the past 6 months is my propensity to find something to obsess about, concerning my boyfriend.  If I am able to let go of one obsession then it is immediately replaced with a new worry.  If I am not obsessing about the sex then I am obsessing about the idea that he may be cheating, etc. etc.  It’s almost as if I am addicted to the chaos in my mind.  It’s quite troubling.  However, as you said, I am working to notice and gently correct.

I wanted to take a second to thank you again.  Mood wise, yesterday was the best I have felt in months.  It was really wonderful.  I chose to take the obsessive thoughts about sex off the table and to really show my affection for my boyfriend in other ways.  I wasn’t grumpy and anxious yesterday and I felt calm and open.  We both love to laugh together and just be in the same room together so instead of retreating into the other room to obsess and ruminate, I went into the living room with him while he finished some work after he asked me to come keep him company.  I put on a stand up comedy show while he worked and he eventually came and sat down by me and we both just laughed together.  I didn’t have any expectations except for making him feel calm and loved.  Ironically, I didn’t gave any desire for sexual intimacy.  Maybe this was because I was bloated and tired, but it was nice to not feel that dreaded feeling of ‘it’s probably not going to happen tonight…again.”  I put a reminded on my phone that says to give it one full week of trying very hard to show him affection and support in new ways and to be light hearted and positive in every part of our lives.  I am a notorious pessimist and complainer…  He seemed happy last night and relaxed.  It was nice to see and to be a part of that.  I gave myself a week just to see how it goes and how I work with this new perspective on my life and our lives together.  I have become to obsessed with this sex issue and this paranoia about infidelity that I am slowly losing myself and becoming someone else…the person he didn’t fall in love with.  So my goals for this week are to 1. be positive 2. give him random kisses and I love you’s (he does this all the time I do not) 3. focus on getting my needs met through self reflection and action 4. allow our home to be a place of comfort and not anxiety.  I really appreciate you.  Something about your messages really struck a chord with me.

The move was almost a year ago but I think the stress can still be involved as I am the first girlfriend he has ever ‘provided’ for.   I work as well but do not make much like I was back home.  On top of that, I believe he is feeling insecure due to weight gain and some laziness outside of work…but I am not sure because he ‘appears’ very confident.  I wonder if me being in great shape is making him feel less than?  I will add…and I know this doesn’t hold a lot of weight…but I am more attractive than him (to the point where friends and family were like…uhhhh?).  I knew this when I met him but now if you ask me I would say he is the most handsome and sexy man in the world to me.  There is just something about him.  My disposition is anxious and pessimistic and I think when we moved in together this started coming out more.  I am working on this.  Sex is definitely an ego boost and a validating act for me.  I was married before and had ZERO sexual attraction to him, so having it now feels like WHOA THIS IS SO FUN.   I think my anxiety has something to do with it for sure.  BUT I still feel like I am not being heard by him.  I have conjured up crazy scenarios as to why he doesn’t want sex a lot (cheating, emotional cheating, porn addiction), all of which I have zero evidence.  I know that this issue begins with me…and that is what is most frustrating.  I also believe that I am putting expectations on him that are making the libido issue worse.  I also think he has some issues with ED that he isn’t attending to.  I believe you are very right in that my anxiety is fueling my desire to be clingy as well as push him away.