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AnxiousAsUsual

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
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  • #278543
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    We talked!  It went so well!  We talked about ED and our relationship in general.  It was such a fulfilling conversation and the weight that is lifted off of my shoulders feels incredible.  In brief, there is a history of intermittent ED and he is now experiencing some depression, as well as lack of exercise and poor diet – which he states is contributing to both.  He mentioned that outside of sex we aren’t intimate and I have already seen a change in him trying to be more intimate in our general life.  He also helped me clean the entire house, put on my favorite music, and cooked.  He did initiate and he had trouble, but the fact that he did all of these things makes me feel so good.  Now…my pattern is to switch to a new source of anxiety so I am working to stay in the moment and not create chaos where there isn’t any!

    #277873
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Excellent points.  It’s absolutely true, communication is not happening.  I wonder why I am so fearful to bring up these topics?  I am curious if I am disappointed because this isn’t working out to be the fairytale romance I thought it was.  Girl meet boy, boy and girl fall in love, girl and boy have so much fun together, boy and girl move across the US… I believe I felt that this is where I have been disappointed.  Things didn’t stay as they were, and relationships evolve.  That new relationship high has withered away, as it does, and I am left with raw human imperfection and an imperfect relationship.  Also, I feel disappointed that he rarely, if ever, comes to me to talk about things.  It feels very one-sided which in turn makes me feel like I am nagging or creating drama.  I will have this conversation with him, but I am not sure when.  Maybe this weekend would be a good time when we are away from home and only dealing with one another.  I appreciate you.

    #277845
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    He hasn’t attended to me in those ways that do not require an erection, and we have not discussed that at all.  I would like that, but not sure how to even approach that.  The lack of sexuality makes me think he does not care, and I realize that sex does not equal caring or love.  It’s just very confusing to me.  I feel like I am supposed to just act like everything is okay with how things are right now, which is also very frustrating.  I wonder if he even thinks about it?  Does he wonder, “hmmm how is she feeling since we haven’t been sexual?”  I feel like he is acting like everything is normal, when it is not.

    #277837
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Thank you again, Anita.  I noticed some anger building yesterday.  Resentment too.  We are supposed to go out of town together to go explore this weekend and I am fearful this will follow me there.  I don’t want to ruin the weekend getaway.  I just want to be desired.  I hate that I feel whiney and neglected, like a child.  He knows this is hurting me, and I feel like he doesn’t even care.  I am making this all about me, I know, but I am frustrated.  I am feeling the need to detach from him, which makes me nervous.  I have that feeling that I need to just run before I am hurting too much.  Any tips for focusing on myself and allowing him to have his process?

    #277705
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    They have been in contact for years now and we have visited him together.  His mother and father do not really communicate.  However, I can tell that after visiting his father he has a lot to talk about and some frustrations.  They have gone on recent trips together, etc, but there is definitely some lingering tension.  I am hoping he continues to open up about these things with me.

    We did talk yesterday and I wasn’t able to talk about everything I needed to, but I could also feel him feeling somewhat defeated so I stopped.  I didn’t bring up with ED, I feel like he needs some more time, that’s the energy I felt anyways.  I talked about how I would like him to call if he is out that late, talked about some boundaries with drinking that I think are fair (and he agreed), spoke about my anxiety and how it can make me paranoid, and inquired if he felt he was not brought up in a home that openly discussed emotions.  He agreed that his family did not talk about their emotions and I explained that my did.  I am very emotional and he is at the other end of the spectrum, and I talked about us trying to meet in the middle so that we can communicate better.  He nodded and smiled throughout, but it looked like he felt he was ‘getting in trouble’, and it made me very sad.  I did my best to stay calm and I also owned my part and pointed out how my anxiety negatively affects us.  He said he agreed with everything I was discussing and stated that he didn’t have anything to add.  I woke up feeling kind of sad today.  I started to hyperfocus on the sex stuff this morning, but slowly bringing myself back to calm.

    #277593
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    All of these are possibilities.  His mother is financially stable and has a great job, but I know that he feels for her and what his dad did to her.  I think his biggest issue is unresolved anger with his father and as you mentioned, a strong desire to not be like him.

    #277569
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    No she did not.  She seems to be stable, although he doesn’t talk much about her.  I find her bubbly, calm, and nurturing.  He seems to have a lot of frustration with his father.  I believe he is still very angry with him.

    #277557
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Yes, I also give the silent treatment but have been working to stop.  I tend to punish him this way for things he may not have even done (anxious mind creates drama).  Father was physically abusive, cheated on my BF’s mother, brought new women into the home a lot.  Has a new family and provides for her children more than he ever did for my BF and his siblings.   I am not sure how they have worked to mend this, and I think I need to start asking, as he actually brought this up quite randomly over dinner last week.  I let him talk and validated his frustration and confusion.  He has never looked at me like that and shared his pain so casually.  I felt connected.

    #277553
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    I will practice EAR!  I can be verbally aggressive, not loud, but still aggressive and I know this doesn’t work well for him.  He hasn’t shared anything about depression, but he does show some of the symptoms.  He mentions wanting/needing to lose weight and eat better/exercise, but seems to do well for a few days and then stops.  His parents are divorced, father was abusive, relationship is mending now.

    #277541
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    My goal is just to be heard and for me to hear anything he feels he needs to say.  I am open to him sharing the things that I do in the relationship that are frustrating or not healthy.  Three issues would be 1. is he feeling well?  depression?  and point out that I’ve noticed a decline in self care 2. Erectile Issue, is he open to finding out the cause? 3. A commitment talk, are we both in this for the long haul no matter our own personal issues and life difficulties.  Overall, I am feeling the need to be closer to him emotionally and to better understand his world and hopefully help him to better understand mine.

    #277535
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Yes, I am working to not get overly emotional when  I speak to him.  I believe I am learning I am much more hurt than I thought.  I agree with the wife part that it is fair since he pays most of the bills, I work full time and pay my own personal bills, gas,  and grocery shop but he pays the rent/utilities/etc.  Maybe I am meaning more of a wife demeanor… sometimes I feel like I may even  be too motherly.  I do want to marry him, however these issues need to be spoken about and working towards resolution before  that would be appropriate, in my opinion.  He brings up marriage/children often, more in the recent months as well.

    #277519
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Interesting night.  BF asked if I wanted to go have a couple drinks with him and his friend down the street and I denied, said he wouldn’t be too long.  Long story short, I texted a few hours later and he said they were just hanging and then I fell asleep.  BF comes home very drunk around 12:45 when I wake up.  Initially I was mad because there was no contact letting me know when he was coming home or if he was okay.  I have no problem with him going out with buddies, we spend 90% of our free time together, him getting out without me is very important and beneficial to our relationship.   I also don’t mind if he was drinking, as long as he wasn’t driving, which he wasn’t.  I have done my fair share of drinking so I can’t be hypocritical.  This is also the first time he has gone out with a buddy in a long time.  I confronted him saying “where were you”, “why didn’t you text”, which I should not have done when he was drinking because it was useless and he was just mumbling.  I found myself overcome with emotion, saying things like “you never talk to me” and  “this is bull****.”  I realized those words were coming from a place of hurt not related to him going out with his friend, but due to my feelings of neglect and frustration.  I realized this and laid down but struggled to sleep.  I will talk to him about the importance of just checking in with me, especially when it’s late but I am not his mother.  I noticed too that I have been taking on the ‘wife’ role, when I am not his wife.  Cleaning for him, laundry, etc.  I like to do these things but I need to pull back a bit, as we are not married, and I don’t feel I am being treated as a wife – but a girlfriend – which is where we are at right now.  Anyways, I think when we talk later today I will be able to open up more, as our arguments always end in deeper understanding of one another.  Too add, my behavior was exactly how my ex-husband treated me when I went out.  Guilt tripping, 1,000 questions.  It was miserable.

    #277321
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    All of your reply sounds accurate and makes sense.   I agree, living together and being around each other so much does give me the opportunity to see and notice new things about him.  I will point out…when we were first dating we only saw each other on weekends, rarely during the week.  Then he took a job where he was gone three weeks on a rig and then off three weeks.  So this is the first time we have been together this much.  I guess I am confused as to why the change was so sudden – but I don’t know much about ED so it is possible that ED can be a sudden occurrence.   It was about 10 months ago when he was having some trouble with an erection and he said “I need to go to the Dr. about that” and I just comforted him and said it is no big deal, it happens to all men.   I didn’t expect it to be a huge thing like it is now.  I am continuing to be patient with him and there for him the best I can.  I haven’t mentioned sex at all.  I want to be with him.  If it wasn’t for this I would consider the relationship damn near perfect.  I am trying to put myself in his shoes…what if I had some sexual disorder and could not have sex?  How would I feel?  I imagine he is scared as he knows how important sex is to me and I imagine he feels embarrassed or less than.  My goal is to talk more about it with him, but I am not sure when to do that and how.  Thank you for spelling it all out for me.  Anxiety causes my thoughts to race and rational thinking goes out the door.  My biggest fear is being hurt in this relationship and finding out something devious, but I am going to stay as rational as possible and realize that this is likely something physical in nature and not his fault or my fault.  Thank you, I wish I could carry you around in my pocket!

    #277309
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Thank you Mark.  I just wish I knew what it was.  He did say he hasn’t been in the mood for over a month now, but I am fearful it is some type of porn addiction that he is hiding very well.  However he also has gained weight, stopped working out, drinks beer, sleeping much more than usual, has literally no morning erections, plays a lot of video games, hasn’t been eating well, and doesn’t have any friends around since we moved to a new state.   I am trying hard not to take it personal and to stop being angry.  I’ve done better and have purposefully been more positive and affectionate.

    #277281
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Noticing some anger tonight and some sadness.  Not sure I can take much more but pushing through anyways.  Afterall, I said id give it a week.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)