Dear Anita

Yes I have habit on reassuring things for a long time and the stressing about it .but it fades away when I don’t think about the things .then i think how silly I was .

Hii.

I’m a girl .I never questioned my sexuality before.i always have a observing nature I just look any person   and observe them especially someone who looks good . like their dressing sense fecial features etc.i just get bit insecure about my looks  and never feel attracted to them I just wanted to look like them .I have been always insecure about my looks and never had relationship just because of the fear of rejection and heartbreaks .I like being alone .but I have crushes on celebrity and irl boys  .in lockdown I started watching alot of shows and drama and then I discovered bl genre which is a boys love.which target girls mostly and not realistic I watch  a bl anime movie a long time ago I loved that film. And even fantasies of once same sex just like the movie and forgot About that.then recently I watch a Netflix series hearstopper which is a bit realistic and the Main lead thought he was straight.     Before that he fell for a boy .I don’t know why but this really triggered me to question about my sexuality just because I fantasies once.i thik about this all night.and then next day the whole pride month began and social media filed with this .I was terrified .and started getting anxious .I never imagined me being with a girl .I started searching on Google if I’m straight or not started giving quizzes.i think the more I search and not relate with bi or gay the more subconsciously try to relate with this .I started feeling so wrong even looking at any women and thought my sexuality is changing . this gives me anxiety and I started feeling aroused just thinking about any women… the fact that I never feel attracted or arouse looking at female celebrities.who actually look good just random girl passing by or scrolling instagram reel this just give me anxiety.and I started getting aroused randomly just reassuring that I’m not bi or lasbian .I started ignoring same gender .I couldn’t even look at myself in mirror .I tried to search my symptoms and all are samewith hocd .I always reassuring that I’m not bi or gay.even though I have not problem with being bi but that I read somewhere that he became gay after he realises he was bi.that scares me.i started deep breathing for my anxiety .and maditation helps little . But I started analysing my relationship with friends and whom I thought beautiful sometime . even that one time fantasy makes me guilty .and I started feeling not attraction to boys . I’m so hopeless right now .but when I don’t overthink about that  like I when I star listing music I feel like my old self . dreaming about boys and all .when I live the movement I feel so relaxed . Recently I visited my cousin’s house and and just stopped feeling anxious but unconditionally I try to look at my female cousin’s body I feel so wrong about that .I started stressing over that because my thoughts are affecting my behavior .but when I talk to her I feel normal  . I stopped feeling anxious and didn’t ignore girls feel like normal .my sleep is improving but stress is still here I don’t know what to do .am I deniel ? it’s like the more I konw about this the more I try to connect with this .I’m too scared of watching bl now .I can’t focus on anything .I don’t feel no energy .l saw one article about straight people can’t imagine life with same sex . which I can’t but next day I started imaging  this . even I don’t want to imagine . This is so scary because when I think this phase is fading away  I even doubt this also because I  look at random girl I feel nothing .but then I look another one thinking noting happened .I overthink about this all the time .then think how silly I was .I never forced myself attraction to boy but now I’m doing this .i still feel arouse by thinking About random girl but I  neverfeel like kissing cuddling romantically with them . sometimes it feels like it’s fading away and sometimes it’s coming back I don’t know how this will end ..am I ever get to love any male ? Because even if I try to connect with men I think this will be always there and I don’t want this thing forever in my life .