Thank you all for posing all your heartfelt experiences, It helps to know that I am not alone, and to hear about the various ways you all are trying to heal.

Matt, Zenhen, kristen and J.D. – your posts brought tears to my eyes. many of the problems you all face and tackle with are the same issues I have faced and am learning to overcome now.

Matt – I really appreciate you sharing your outlook on the healing process, and how guilt, anger and fear all must not be avoided, but processed to create a balance within oneself.

I have recently been going through my own healing process. I never really acknowledged my abuse until about 3 years ago during my first sexual experiences. Before this time, I was diagnosed with depression, and had quite a few bipolar tenancies. I am happy to say, I have grown from this and have recovered (almost completely from the depression). However memories of the abuse keeps re-emerging: feeling of low self-esteem, low self worth and the feeling of being ‘unlovable’.

Zenhen, I can completely relate to your problems with intimacy with your partner. For a long time, I would always submit to my partner’s sexual desires depending on his mood. After completing the deed, since I could not accept gestures of true intimacy, I would never hold hands or cuddle. Though this may seem small in the bigger picture of sex, small things like that are what create a bond between partners. I found myself always throwing myself at him when he was angry or upset at me, hoping sex would solve the problem. Moreover, I would always push him away when dealing with my depression, not allowing him to help, or show that he cares. Even though (later on) I was able to share my experience about the abuse with him, he could not understand the psychological trauma I had faced through the abuse at such a young age. With no blame to him, he could not acknowledge my pain and could not help me grow within our relationship. Moreover, he continued to express himself the same way sexually, which reminded me via flashbacks of the abuse.

I find a lot of what Matt described in one of his earlier posts to be completely true with my current partner. Allowing for passion to grow, and controlling the pressure between each other lets my mind and body enjoy the pleasure, without any residual guilt. At a young age, I found myself returning to my abuser because of the pleasure. I am able to acknowledge this today in a healthy spirit because I understand that pleasure is not the same as what I experience now. Sex is not only about the physical release, but about the mind being comfortable enough to experience that sort of a release with another person. I am still afraid to let my heart to love someone, but I am now confident that if I do express such intense feelings for someone it will be because of the safety and reassurance I receive from them. Most importantly it will be because they respect me, for who I am and for who I’ve become.

This brings me to the healing process. I have recently turned 21, and finally decided to confront my abuser. For the past year I have released my thoughts by writing him angry letters, with disgust and provocation. Much of it was filled with how I was so young, could not know better, and couldn’t have pushed him off. However, due to fear of denial, I never sent these letters. I came to a resolution one night, and realised there was no point in swearing at my abuser, calling him names, or provoking him. This would only lead to more hate, possibly more harm in the future. Truth be told, I sent him the wikipedia article on child sex abuse as a message, and said ‘I thought I’d provide some light reading for you’. I’m sure he understood my sense of sarcasm, and subsequently I could sense his panic in his response. We arranged a time to speak over the phone (since we could not meet in person due to distance). As he was a family member, we started by catching up a little, then he starting pouring how horrible he’s felt over the years due to his mistake. He said he sought after a therapist for years, took medication and has had various intimacy problems with many of his relationships, and many a time, it was the reason the relationship could not proceed.

I was mainly looking for closure through the conversation, as I only wanted to move on from it and let the past stay in the past. He apologised profusely, and asked whether I had been facing problems with my relationships due to the abuse. He said the reason why he started the abuse was because he felt inadequate with himself, and thought he was ill-equipped at the time to pleasure women. My guilt trip of how young I was only spurred his apologies even further. In a sadistic way, I became a bit more content because he had problems in his life because of the abuse. He said he had always avoided me during family meetings or occasions because of sheer guilt, and he didn’t want to remind me of the abuse if I had not remembered already.

I would say that I feel more resolved after speaking to him, but I wish I had read this thread before I had. I would like to note, that even though I spoke to him, I still have not forgiven him. I did not realise how big of a step it was to confront an abuser, especially since he is a family member. More than this, all the resentment and hatred over the years towards him, suddenly changed by sending him that link to child sex abuse. I keep asking myself, maybe he deserved to receive one of those hate mails, maybe he deserves to rot with what he did. Now I feel like I am stuck in a dilemma, on whether to acknowledge this and move on, or whether to reach a better resolution with him, or on my own. More than this I am unsure how to process what I am feeling, or rather evaluate what I am feeling. I feel nothing at times, and everything at others. This emotional roller coaster has lead to avoiding food, insomnia, and a small amount of drug abuse. I am bettering myself, by consciously eating more, sleeping appropriately and staying sober. I feel much better, but still feel this empty ‘fog’ feeling.

On a different note, I recently have told my best friend about the abuse. I did not have the strength to tell him in person, but did tell him over the phone. It felt like such a huge release, so much weight was lifted off my shoulders. What I have learnt is that abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not common, and nor did we deserve it. As helpless children, we can only look now to care for those around us, and be mindful of harmful situations. I found that all the pent up anger was only due to frustration: frustration with the effects of abuse, frustration with lack of protection by our supposed loved ones, frustration with the predicament, because we couldn’t have changed anything at the time. Frustration with the lack of regret, abuse cannot be changed as we were children, and as it was hard to understand the abuse, or speak up. I knew as a child (growing up in an Indian family) that most of my family members would deny it happened, or be able to acknowledge it. Even today, they would think of it as an attention grabbing method, because they do not understand the emotional and physical trauma I have experience due to the abuse.

Dealing with all this on my own just shows how much courage and strength we can have, and how we should not sink into a corner as we did as children. But rather, hold our heads high and be proud of the journey we have made. Looking at people on the road, I always think, everyone has their problems, which is why they act the way they act. But it is how we deal with our problems, that shows how strong we are.
Is it important to know, no one is alone in this process. We can be loved, we are loved and we can love.

With warmth,

Aria