Hi Tim

Thank you for your post. It is good to read that I am not alone because as you said I do feel alone and outside of life. You seem to be in a very similar situation to me.

I will talk to my wife but I do feel she will feel helpless. She is already doing so much. She is saying to me that she can’t do anymore and is getting tired. She wants me to do a little more. I am thinking we need some home help so it takes some of the burden off her but she is not up for it.
In the past I have suggested getting babysitters but she is not up for this also. I think it is all about having people in our house and looking after our young ones who we don’t know. She has mentioned many times that she doesn’t want to bring up our kids like my parents did with me. I had many live-in nannies when I was very young. She feels parents should bring up kids and not pay for someone to do it.
I know what she means but I think just house keeping help would be some assistance and take that stress away.

Seeking help and talking openly is not something I do with close people I know. I find it easier to talk to new people.

One thing I have noticed which adds anxiety to myself and my wife is the importance my family give to what other people think. I have been brought up with this totally ingrained in me. Dress properly, talk properly… What will people think.. I see it in family from my side soo much and it drives me crazy. I know I do it also. I think there is some thought we should give but not let it run our lives. Example: my mother did Christmas lunch this year. She was so insistent that the lunch is perfect! Must have all the expected bits and pieces. I told her she should take it easy and create a simple lunch. Then she was insistent that our kids have brand new clothes. We thought does it matter really… It is just family and as long as they dress smartly and are comfortable that’s all should matter.

I remember growing up people would ask “what do you want to do when you grow up”. I used to say a surgeon because that’s what was expected of me. I had no real desire to do this.
It just shows the fakeness I and people have to show to the outside world. More so to family and friends. I had pressure to do well at school but I just was not academic. I look back and wish parents or teachers would encourage me to have done something I enjoyed.

I hope for a better world for my kids. I hope I can be an open and encouraging father. I notice myself drawn into the wrong way of thinking because that is the world I grew up in and still live in.

I have had a really unlucky 2015 and I hope for a more fruitful 2016.

But I keep thinking what matters most Arran is your wife and kids. They should e happy and that is my life goal now. Doesn’t matter what other people think of me or my family.

Thank you again for your reply.

My wife has come from a different life than mine which probably was an attraction. She is very humble. She likes the simple things In life. So my inherent search for perfection doesn’t fit with her thinking.
I would love to talk to her but she is already stressed with family life and work.
Unfortunately I wish I was more active in helping her with looking after our young babies. She does the feeding, changing everything. I occasionally help when she asks me too. But I feel lazy and not proactive. The babies still yearn for the mother as they spend more time together. This will change as they get older.

I want her to be happy and i sometimes feel her lack of happiness is my fault. She left her family to come live with me. She works with me and work is a mess. My mother lives near us. All these things are from my side and which I introduced into her life. All these things are bringing her anxiety.

Thank you for your reply.

Yes I mean that compared to many others who have tough lives growing up, I am far from that. I was not spoilt yet what thought was the best for me was given and done. I find people who have not had an easy life are stronger in character than me. They would be more appreciative.

I have never had a great loving close relationship with my parents. Today there is only my mother and still I find it hard to get along with her.

My parents have always had high standards. The way you look, dress, education etc… Which I considered to be secondary to the true feeling of love. Looking at now and the past I never like/liked receiving compliments or any love/affection and would distance myself from it. I grew up as an only child and found my own space to be the best.

I feel by the age I was able to make my own decisions in life i never learned the Ability to do it properly.

I do feel this pursuit of perfection came from my parents. They would never demand or say anything but i suppose it was an unwritten expectation. My schooling was at top schools. My grades were always poor. From the outside people saw me as a model child. I have never really fitted into any group in school or college. I always felt an outsider. I was at schools were they were all highly intelligent, then a school where they were very rich, and then a school where I was considered the well spoken rich one, the in college I struggled with my grades.

Even now if I look at people around I never seem to fit in and I feel I have to change myself and adapt to other people.

I am Asian guy which grew up in a white neighbourhood. Never had or even now I don’t have any Asian friends. I don’t fit in with Asians. They have all seemed to have lived different lives than me. They see me as a unique person to them. Now with my non-Asian friends I don’t really fit in there also. I have always felt like I am in no-mans land.

Sorry for blabbing on. I feeling i am sitting in self-pity. Which is stupid.