Dear anita,

You’re absolutely right. I am learning about myself a little bit each day, what makes me tick, what triggers me, what feels right, and what I will and will not tolerate/except. I am giving myself a pat on the back as I said what I needed to say via text and hit the block button. Sure, I could have called this things out while we were in person but I know who I was up against. It also really didn’t hit me fully until I reflected and downloaded the entire encounter. This interaction indeed “brought me nothing but distress”  and I am choosing right now to continue to disengage.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Lovejonesss.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for helping with unpacking this and asking questions.

“Question: what  is your current relationship with your mother, what kinds of interactions? Did you share with your mother these experiences of your childhood and how did she respond?”

My current relationship with my mother is better than it was, she’ll send gifts and text here and there.  I still have a thing though when she calls me, my immediate thought is something is wrong.  I don’t say it now but I use to always tell you don’t call so when you do I’m thinking something is wrong. In other words, it makes me uncomfortable and stresses me out a little.

Well, my first two years of high school a family member invited me come stay with them.  At the time I was staying with my grandmother, my mother was pregnant (not by my father), my father was in rehab, and the man she was seeing was in jail.  I didn’t have any stability so I jumped at the opportunity and ultimately made the decision for myself to move.  Those years living with my aunt is another story by itself, not bad but not loving either.  She didn’t show me love and there was clear distinction that I was the visitor.  When I moved back “home” I lived with my mom. Those years were rough, I really disliked her, any chance I got I would yell and maybe even curse her out.  I would break things, destroy her room, I was so angry.  My brothers father eventually got out of jail and he moved in with us. She made it known she didn’t care about my feelings.  When I graduated high school and moved out, the anger still persisted.  If I went by to visit or spoke with her on the phone I waited for any moment to bring up what she did or make my feelings known.

Fast-forward, I am able to have a conversation on the phone with my mother at length. We usually speak about general stuff like shopping or about my siblings and nieces and nephews.  Nothing deep at all. However, if she starts talking about parenting stuff referring to my nieces or nephews, things like this can trigger me. A few months ago my brother brought to my attention that she promised my nephew that she would be sending him something, that was a trigger for me. I told her not to do that and brought up the things she used to do. At least once or twice she has acknowledge that she didn’t treat me and my siblings right but I don’t really think she knows the effect. Other times if she says something that triggers me I will end the call.

Hi Anita,

Yes, growing up my father had the loudest bark.  He would call my mother names, push us to side with him, and even drove by the guys house my mother was cheating on him with.  It only happened one time but the night we drove by his house they happened to pulling out the driveway. With my brother and myself in the car, my father followed them for a couple of miles. I can’t recall but I’m sure he was speaking poorly of my mom the entire time.  He always placed himself on a pedestal.  He was on drugs, denied it, and would act irrationally. If he could convince my siblings and eye the sky was purple he would.

I would be happy for your to look into my childhood with me and draw connections.

In my Aug 20, 2018 post, that was a typo. I do want a man who is fully into me.  When I threw the rocks at the car I indeed acted out of anger and definitely wanted my mother to stop. She didn’t though, she would bring the guy around and be all smiles like it was okay.  Again, she never once addressed the issues at hand. The guy she was seeing was in and out of jail. So, anytime I spent with my mom I knew not to get to close to her because she was going to leave. This is what I would tell myself.  I recall one night, she told my younger brother and I that we were going to spend the evening with her. We went to my aunts house and we couldn’t have been there more than 5-10 minutes and she left us there. I think I ran to the door and cried hysterically the whole night. I kept saying something like she said we were going to stay with her. Another time I remember her lying and saying she was going to a store, meanwhile we just drove past the store in question and it was closing.  I was too young to speak up but those kind of things ate at me. Years later she got pregnant with my second youngest brother and that was big secret too.

It is quite possible though that I am still stuck in my childhood. I experienced things like this that I don’t think I healed from fully.  I think because this issues were never addressed and kicked under the rug.  When I was child my mom would always tell me she would drop my lunch off at school. Every time she would do this I would go to the office looking for my lunch and like clock-work no lunch. I would call her at work and very nonchalantly she would say I forgot it. I would go through the entire day sometimes with nothing to eat. I would be so upset when I seen her.  On one occasion, we went through a drive through and I remember just crying because I was so hurt and upset. I mean I was always the kid with no lunch. When I started to cry she hit me on my leg, to quiet me from crying. When she didn’t bring my lunch my choices were to ask another kid to share, go to the nurse and say I was feeling well to get food, or just go through the day without eating.  She didn’t this so many times. She would tell she would pick me up after school or be home at a certain time and more times then not she wouldn’t show up.  I really believe this may have lead me to experience anxiety at such a young age.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Lovejonesss.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Lovejonesss.