Hi Anita,

Thanks for your compassion. The move won’t add to my triggering-type anxiety (the worst kind because it feels unbearable and causes so many mean, destructive thoughts) because I am so excited to start my dream job, and I have bounced from country to country all my adult life anyway so I’m used to it. It may cause him anxiety, but I guess he will deal with it to be with me.

I like your suggestion but I think the likelihood of getting him to pay attention to another device is unlikely (unless I can find a really simple/keychain device). I just discovered by Googling that I can “ring” a phone connected to a Google account even if it’s on silent with their Android Device Manager… maybe we can connect his phone to a neutral account and that will work. He’s a programmer… I told him before to make an app that gives him an electric shock, but he said it’s not possible. Darn. Thanks for the impulse to find a solution like this though.

AH

Hi Anna,

Thanks for your response. Yes, he lacks integrity, you are correct. But nobody is perfect, and I see what suffering it also brings him to be like that. He says he wants to change and I feel that I love him enough otherwise to try to learn how to wait compassionately. I think that is a good thing to learn to do regardless. I also think it is a good thing for me to rewire myself to repair the abandonment reaction, whether or not I stay with my boyfriend in the end. I am in therapy and am making some progress with that, but I guess he’s always giving me new material to test how good that progress really is…

There was a time in past relationships where I was a bad partner because I was selfish and uncompromising without even realizing it, but I grew out of it and am much more respectful to others now. Like I said, we are so well matched in almost all other areas; I want to give him the chance to overcome his issues.

He empowers me with regard to other issues I have, so I can’t say I’d be settling and I am so much better and more emotionally healthy and better at making decisions than he is. It’s not that I don’t think I “deserve better”, I have even said that to him. It’s that I think we are both stronger individually and together if we pull each other up the ladder step-by-step.

What do you think of that?

AH

Thanks for your insightful reply. I do think he puts a mirror in front of me. I am trying to learn to get a grasp on my emotions; many of the fears and self-directed insults that fly through my mind when I am in a panicked state due to him not calling are simply cruel and terrible. I am trying to learn self-acceptance and that his intentions are never to hurt me. At the same time, his actions do hurt me, over and over.

Thank you Nina, that’s helpful to hear your story. How long did it take for your anxiety to subside once you stopped trying to control it? I guess this is what I’m doing by shutting my phone off. Baby steps. It’s a useful strategy to calm myself for now.

I told him I absolutely don’t need to talk to him everyday, a text here and there is nice but if he’s too busy some days that’s okay. Still, I need to know that if I reach out, he will reach back. I will keep working on my patience.

I wish he would respect ground rules. It seems like he never will though. He wants me to just understand him, which is fine to a certain extent, but I also need to be understood and respected. I hope we can overcome this.

Thank you, Anita.

What I meant is that he has a very stable, unshakeable, unmovable spirit. He is independent and emotionally sturdy like no person I have ever met before. He is usually bright and cheery, and totally level-headed. When I am feeling anxious and extremely stressed about my demanding life and goals, this is a great comfort to me (when we’re together). He has immense patience and never seems to feel the need to rush anything, ever. It sometimes calms me and gives me confidence, sometimes causes me great distress not being able to have him somewhere on time. Examples that come to mind are showing up with eggs as planned so the cornbread could be done on time for Thanksgiving dinner, and being half an hour late to meet my older brother for the first time. When we’re not together and I can’t reach him, I feel as though he doesn’t recognize any urgency I am trying to communicate, so it serves as a source of disconnectedness. He almost never answers the phone if I call. I feel disrespected as a result, too.

We don’t live together yet, but we are supposed to move abroad together in a couple of months for my job. We see each other for 1-2 days/nights every weekend, and sometimes 1-maybe 2 times during the week. He is always delighted to see me, and everyone knows how in love he is. It’s plain to see. He is very affectionate, always paying attention to me, always playfully bragging about me to my friends and complimenting me for my intelligence, ambition, little successes, looks, whatever it is he likes. We share almost all of our interests and core values, and have the same priorities and goals for our future together. He wants to get married and have kids in the next years, we’ve talked about it several times.

But unfortunately, yes, as you said, “on his own timing, his own chosen place and time? Not when you are waiting for him, not when and where you need him?”. He works a lot (as do I) and is also dealing with some legal issues that are very time consuming (but not his fault). So what little time we spend together is doing things I planned or else sitting around watching Netflix, and for example, even though he’s close to his mother and sees her every couple of weeks, he doesn’t make an effort to bring her and me together or get her to accept me. I met her twice, and we’re supposed to move away soon. He says there’s no reason for me to worry about that but I feel rejected by her lack of interest too; another thing that I said hurts me that he hasn’t made any effort to change.

Their culture is rather cold, and I do think they’re just being how they are. It’s inconsiderate and it hurts me, and it doesn’t seem to change although he keeps saying it will, that it takes time. I love many things about him and am working on loving myself and being totally self-sufficient without having lingering sadness anyway. My plan is to see how it goes when we move abroad, how he responds to living in another country, far from his mother for example. But right now his behavior keeps making me feel panicked and unloved, and I am fairly sure that if something terrible happened and he were busy, I wouldn’t be able to reach him. I feel as though I’m being uncaring towards myself for tolerating a person who makes me feel that way. But I love him so much and I don’t want to break up over one (albeit big) issue.

Sorry for being so wordy again.