First I’d like to say thanks for all of the feedback. It’s been extremely helpful for me and given me a lot of perspective. I feel I’m in a much better state than I was even a few weeks ago and making this progress in a shorter amount of time is something I am proud of. There are of course ups and downs and some days (like today) are harder than others.

One of the things that I am currently struggling with (and also tend to struggle with after most break ups) is the halt of regular sex. When I start a relationship it’s important to me that both parties are on the same page when it comes to sexual health and how that plays in the relationship. Honestly, if she wants it that just makes me want it all the more, but it doesn’t mean I do everything I can to get it. I understand the word “No” perfectly as well as the boundaries of others.

Now of course I’m not looking to jump back into a relationship, but let’s face it, regular sex is awesome. And masturbation can only carry you so far. I believe that it’s important to have a mature and realistic attitude about it. Casual sex isn’t a bad thing, but I’ve never been the “swinger” type. And going out to meet people with the intention of getting laid has never been my style. I’ve even contemplated using Tinder but I’m just not sure I’m ready for that.

At the same time, my mind likes to wonder and imagine where my ex is with this issue. She’s a very sexually mature person and that was never a problem in our relationship. So it’s not hard for me to believe she’d be having sex with other partners by now. And even though I tell myself that what she’s doing doesn’t matter and that it’s no longer relevant to me, it still feels painful. I’m jealous that she is more open and able to be sexually active outside of a relationship. It’s not that I’ve never been able to either, but it’s always been more difficult for me and tends to be less frequent.

I also can’t help but feel like it’s too soon and that even if the opportunity were to present itself I’m not sure I’d be able to go through with it without feeling guilty. This is from a looooooong history of guild and shame built up from religious parents and social pressures. I know that much, but it still doesn’t help me get past the hurt. Right now she’s chosen to exclude me from her life. I get that and have been 100% respectful of it. But thinking about her with other people drives me nuts. And feeling guilty for being jealous or wanting to have non committed sexual relationships is making me feel really conflicted (another theme in my life).

I’m confident in my own abilities and am not afraid of the act of sex, but I’m not sure if this is just a way for me to run away from this issue or actually build confidence and explore my sexual identity. I don’t feel safe enough to discuss it with even my close friends and certainly not my family, but any feedback you can offer is appreciated. Thanks for reading.