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Moving Forward

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  • June 3, 2015 at 9:30 pm #77713
    aweyiss
    Participant

    I’ve been reading people’s stories on the forums and felt like this would be a good way to get some of the crowded thoughts out of my “Mind Palace”. Recently (last week) I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend. This wasn’t a long lived relationship but it was a very passionate and powerful one for many reasons. We had been dating since last year and were only exclusive for a few months. At any rate, we had a big fight and it felt unresolved but she wanted to continue to try and work it out. I found it hard to let it go and to move on because I felt that if we couldn’t resolve this one issue now then we wouldn’t be able to resolve any down the road.

    Needless to say, she wasn’t happy. And neither was I. We had spent a lot of time together over the past 6 months especially, and now no contact at all. When I talk to my friends and family, they tell me I did the right thing. What I felt I needed to do for myself in order to be happy in the grander scheme of things. It’s easy for me to feel better about it after this, but when I’m alone I feel terrible. Something reminds me of her, I see something that she would like, or I’m just really sexually frustrated. The internal conflict within me says that I’ve made a mistake and shouldn’t have thrown her love away. I had it good, but I know that if I can’t be happy with myself then I would only be doing her a disservice by staying. Better to end it sooner than later right?

    The other day I was talking with my friend about past relationships and realized that I have had 6 serious girlfriends in my adult life and have also broken up with all of them. No mutual decisions or being dumped by the other. Sure I’ve had shorter relationships that have ended one way or the other, but of the exclusive ones I’ve ended them all. The weird part is that I never even thought about it until now. Reminiscing about the past is something I’m very good at. Too good in fact. But it had never occurred to me that I have been getting into these very serious very fast relationships and then cutting off every one.

    Never really pictured myself as a heart breaker. The plan now is that I have to learn to live with myself and be ok with me as a person before I even think about taking on a serious relationship again. I have plenty of opportunities in front of me that will help along the way, but facing them alone is terrifying. Since I was 14 I’ve battled with depression and the paralyzing effects of loneliness. Strange that I would push people out of my life instead of welcoming them in right?

    At this point all I want is to be able to move forward with my life and learn to love myself so that I can avoid the pain that comes with these relationships in the future. “Time heals all wounds” people keep telling me, but this one is still very fresh and all I can think about is how it might have worked if I wasn’t so out of control with my emotions and actually took care of myself. It doesn’t help that I have a very active imagination and can see her moving on and being with other people very clearly. Ever get that feeling like your heart is being stomped on? There’s no animosity for her in my mind. I still respect her a great deal and sincerely hope that she finds happiness, but for now it won’t be with me. And it sucks.

    Any feedback or advice on ways to move forward and focus on myself are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

    June 3, 2015 at 10:14 pm #77715
    Alexa
    Participant

    Do you risk assess things by any chance?!
    The problem I always found with being lonely is that I coulda made more effort to not be lonely in some way, but I actually didn’t, I just felt like I was the only person in the entire world.. And now at 26, I get to certain points to where I actually want to be by myself, it’s almost comfortable l, I find comfort in that as otherwise with risk assessing people and situations I work out that sooner or later all those people will probably want a different life anyway.. Never ready, never happy , always finding problems that you can’t resolve. It is you! Lol is it a bad thing? Ermmmm could be, can you fix it sure why not.. You may have just not met the right one!
    Or maybe you have commitment issues
    … But I generally find the past
    is a big teller.. I’m never really
    happy.. Sorta always still searching for something I don’t know, but I can mentally always get further alone.

    June 4, 2015 at 7:15 am #77731
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear aweyiss:
    What was the one issue that you cite as the reason for you ending the relationship with your ex girlfriend?

    You stated that you are the one who broke up every one of your long term relationships- that you realized this only very recently. What is your thinking as the reason/s for this fact?

    Without these specifics (no details as is on the first question I am asking)- well, need more to respond.
    anita

    June 4, 2015 at 7:39 am #77734
    Jayme
    Participant

    Dear aweyiss- I can tell from your post that you are a well thought-out person and have the ability to self-reflect. You stated “you want to move forward with my life and learn to love myself so that I can avoid the pain that comes with these relationships in the future.” In counseling, this is a goal oriented statement. The question is – is how do you get there from here? From reading your post, I would start by getting to know yourself, and continue self-reflecting. A way someone gets to know themselves are by being alone. Being in a relationship, you adopt ideas, behavior and characteristics of individuals you are with. It’s often these traits of a girlfriend/boyfriend collides with who you are. You mentioned you are a “heartbreaker”…during your ‘alone time’, maybe you can determine why that is. Is it because you are afraid to attach to someone you love? Does your depression/anxiety take over your life causing you to self-destruct a relationship? I would do four things to start with 1) seek help for your depression, 2) take some time to get in touch with your inner-self, learn who you are and what you want, 3) take care of your emotional and physical self and 4)stay active (exercise, volunteer, etc)

    Let yourself grieve it’s a normal human response to losses.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Jayme.
    June 15, 2015 at 7:14 pm #78296
    aweyiss
    Participant

    First I’d like to say thanks for all of the feedback. It’s been extremely helpful for me and given me a lot of perspective. I feel I’m in a much better state than I was even a few weeks ago and making this progress in a shorter amount of time is something I am proud of. There are of course ups and downs and some days (like today) are harder than others.

    One of the things that I am currently struggling with (and also tend to struggle with after most break ups) is the halt of regular sex. When I start a relationship it’s important to me that both parties are on the same page when it comes to sexual health and how that plays in the relationship. Honestly, if she wants it that just makes me want it all the more, but it doesn’t mean I do everything I can to get it. I understand the word “No” perfectly as well as the boundaries of others.

    Now of course I’m not looking to jump back into a relationship, but let’s face it, regular sex is awesome. And masturbation can only carry you so far. I believe that it’s important to have a mature and realistic attitude about it. Casual sex isn’t a bad thing, but I’ve never been the “swinger” type. And going out to meet people with the intention of getting laid has never been my style. I’ve even contemplated using Tinder but I’m just not sure I’m ready for that.

    At the same time, my mind likes to wonder and imagine where my ex is with this issue. She’s a very sexually mature person and that was never a problem in our relationship. So it’s not hard for me to believe she’d be having sex with other partners by now. And even though I tell myself that what she’s doing doesn’t matter and that it’s no longer relevant to me, it still feels painful. I’m jealous that she is more open and able to be sexually active outside of a relationship. It’s not that I’ve never been able to either, but it’s always been more difficult for me and tends to be less frequent.

    I also can’t help but feel like it’s too soon and that even if the opportunity were to present itself I’m not sure I’d be able to go through with it without feeling guilty. This is from a looooooong history of guild and shame built up from religious parents and social pressures. I know that much, but it still doesn’t help me get past the hurt. Right now she’s chosen to exclude me from her life. I get that and have been 100% respectful of it. But thinking about her with other people drives me nuts. And feeling guilty for being jealous or wanting to have non committed sexual relationships is making me feel really conflicted (another theme in my life).

    I’m confident in my own abilities and am not afraid of the act of sex, but I’m not sure if this is just a way for me to run away from this issue or actually build confidence and explore my sexual identity. I don’t feel safe enough to discuss it with even my close friends and certainly not my family, but any feedback you can offer is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

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