Hi Chaya

First of all, the obvious point – everyone makes mistakes. We are all human and not everything we do works out how we intended. And sometimes we do things which we know to be wrong, but our emotions take over. We are not robots, and at the end of the day, that is what makes us interesting. But it is also human to learn from our mistakes, so that we can try to avoid them happening again. So it is natural to feel bad about a mistake, but also important to put that energy into preventing the mistake being repeated.

However, from reading your post, it seems that it is the fact that another family member is aware of your mistake that is the most painful aspect of this, rather than the mistake itself. Nothing unusual about that, but it is an important distinction if you are to conquer these feelings that you have.

When we make a mistake that no-one else is aware of, we have our own feelings of not living up to our own standards. That can be difficult enough to manage, but at least everything is internal. And if we are honest, if we can ensure that no-one else is aware of the mistake, we will do everything we can to keep it that way.

Once someone else is aware of the mistake, a whole load of other feelings come into play – embarrassment, shame, awkwardness. And if that person is someone close to us, we also have the concern that we have failed to meet their standards that they expect of us. From what you have said, I am guessing that is where you are at the moment.

When someone close to you has made a mistake, and you become aware of it, how do you feel for them? I’m guessing you feel bad for them, and try to give them your support, especially if they are truly sorry for what they have done. Is there any reason to suppose that this family member would feel any differently about you in the same circumstances?

You say that you perceive that this family member is treating you differently now that he is aware of the mistake. From that, it sounds like you have not openly discussed the matter with him. The perceived different treatment may therefore simply be that he is feeling uncomfortable in trying to avoid the subject, and you in turn are looking for any signs that he might bring it up. You are both trying to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room, which is always going to be awkward. Without knowing the specific nature of the mistake, it is difficult to give specific advice, but one solution might be for you to break the ice and acknowledge the issue and how bad you feel about it.

As someone who has screwed up massively on more occasions than I can remember, I hate the feeling of failing to meet my own standards, but the feeling of letting down others is far, far worse. Sometimes I have been forgiven, sometimes I haven’t. The response of others is not something that I can control. And it would be arrogant of me in the extreme to simply expect anyone to forgive me for whatever I did. But I feel ashamed and embarrassed whatever the response of others, because I have let them down in some way.

This is where you seem to be at the moment. This does not make you unlovable, or wicked, or evil. The very fact that you have these feelings proves the exact opposite – that you do care deeply about what you have done, and its effect.

The way I bring myself out of it is by taking action. It doesn’t always resolve the problem, but it at least allows me to heal myself again. That action might be a simple apology, or a handwritten note. It might be taking specific action to repair or minimise the damage I have caused. It might even be just a firm and binding resolution to myself. If I can at least feel that I have done everything in my power to put things right, I can feel at peace with myself. How others feel is up to them.

I don’t know what your mistake was, but as things stand it is continuing to damage you. Take action now to put it right, and the repaired version of you will be stronger than the original.

Hi Nicole

First of all, congratulations for taking such a positive attitude to what has happened to yo. I have no doubt it has been very tough for you, but looking forward to all the things that life can offer you is the best way to progress with your life.

I have many of the same interests as you, but am about 30 years older. From where I am today, all I can say is please, please do these things for yourself! You really don’t want to get to my age and look back on all the things that you missed out on!

For me, I didn’t get married until my early thirties and so I pursued many of my interests until, in my case, marriage and family life interrupted it all. It shouldn’t have, but it did in my case, probably for many of the same reasons as yours. After my divorce, I decided to start all these things up again.

It hasn’t been easy, but that is mostly because I also lost my job after the company I worked for was sold off, and I had to take a new job on much less money right at the lowest time of my life. My social circle has built up again, far bigger than it was before, and I am much closer to where I would like to be. I don’t regret what happened, because I have three beautiful daughters from it, but I also know that if I had focused more on my own interests and needs instead of giving them up for others I could have achieved much more.

OK, so you know what it is you want to do, but your question is, how do you fit these things into a busy life. The answer is, by making these interests the single most important thing in your life. Above everything else. Because, at the end of the day, and at the end of your life, they are.

Just imagine for a moment that you visited the doctor today, and he told you your kidneys are failing, and you will need dialysis for 2 hours at a time, three times a week. Are you going to tell him you are too busy? Or are you going to schedule the rest of your life around it?

It’s exactly the same with your interests (and for your emotional health, just as important).I work 8-7 Monday to Friday, and have my children on alternate weekends, so I have around 10 hours per week and alternate weekends available. Into that I have to also fit shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. So if I didn’t make my interests my top priority, they simply wouldn’t happen.

I set aside 2-3 hours every other weekend to go out on my motorcycle with my friends or on my own, as well as using it for commuting (when not using my bicycle, or running, or walking). Some weekends with my daughters we will go horse riding. Travelling may need to be booked months in advance, but if you don’t, other things will get in the way. My weekday evenings include an hour of one (or 30 minutes of two) of either: running/walking (whilst listening to an audiobook); reading (I always have at least 1 psychology book, 1 book to learn something else, and 1 trashy, easy book on the go at any one time to suit my mood); car or motorcycle maintenance; learning an instrument (focusing on guitar at the moment); and home improvements. These are always the first things that I do when I get home – otherwise it is too easy to become diverted by other things.

Whilst doing all these things has contributed to my overall well-being, doing them has also rejuvenated my ability to cope with all of the other things that life throws at you. Working to a schedule has become something I enjoy, because my fun things are central to that schedule. Learning new skills makes it easier to handle change in other areas of life.

Reading and study led me to this website, and the amazing stories that people have lived. Riding my motorcycle – well, every other biker becomes a friend, and by their nature, they tend to be people who are that bit more adventurous than most. Horse riding takes me to places I would never see otherwise. Travelling has had a profound impact on my life, although I think that is because I tend to travel alone, and as a result meet so many more local, interesting people.

But most of all, my life is about the things I enjoy the most. Sure, there is some drudgery, you can’t get away from that completely. But having more interesting things to do means that I get all of those things out of the way as quickly as I can, so I can get back to the fun stuff. And by doing it now, at your age, you will be setting a pattern for the rest of your life that everyone around you will envy.

Hi Alexandra
Ok, so you spent your formative years having your appearance ridiculed, and then being criticized for shyness and a lack of confidence. Now, you are pre-occupied with body image and feel bitterness towards those who are beautiful. This is an almost inevitable outcome of your experience – almost everyone would respond in the same way. So this is not something that reflects any weakness on your part. It is a perfectly natural, human response to how you were treated.

One thing that I have observed in many people with similar stories to yours, is that physical appearance almost never has anything to do with it. In fact, they are generally far more attractive than average, as it is jealousy which is the driver – the others can’t compete on looks, so they undermine your self-confidence instead. It is almost certainly this lack of confidence which is the real issue, rather than anything physical – you enter into relationships because they give you some form of validation.

You ask if you should change who you are. The fact is, you have already tried that with cosmetic procedures, and trying to be “popular” and “pretty”. The fact is, the best way to make oneself attractive is to be happy and confident with who you are, and to actually be yourself. This isn’t going to happen to you overnight, but it will come.

I’m guessing that, at the moment, you look at yourself in the mirror, and see all the flaws that have been pointed out to you since you were very young. Many supermodels do exactly the same, so it is not about absolute beauty, but about how your brain interprets what it sees. So instead, focus on one aspect of yourself that you like or, if you can’t even see that yet, get your boyfriend to tell you what he likes about you and focus on those things. Make the best of those features, with clothes or make-up. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it – trust his judgment and do it anyway.

What makes a woman attractive (and, I presume, the same for a man) is someone who cares enough to make the best of what they have. Your low self-esteem is preventing you from doing that. Break through that by taking the action anyway and you will find your self-esteem will improve. And your boyfriend is likely to be impressed at the changes!

Similarly, wanting to be popular has probably also led to you not being yourself, and therefore coming across as inauthentic. By worrying about popularity, you might come across as “needy” or “clingy”, which can make others shy away. Your friends may have thought that you would only join the class to be with them, and genuinely believed that you wouldn’t be into it. Try to focus on their needs rather than yours – ask them how the meditation class is going, what they enjoy and don’t enjoy about it. Take a genuine interest in their work, their family, and their other friends. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves, so they will welcome the opportunity to speak to you about it. If they just think that you will bring them your problems, don’t be surprised when they find something else to do.

So, in summary, don’t change yourself – be yourself, and change the way you look at yourself. You went through a hard time when you were younger, but now you are just perpetuating it yourself. They were jealous, and told you lies. From today, you will see the truth.

Good luck!

Hi Penguin

Anita is absolutely right, as always – you will never break the cycle if your happiness depends on everyone else being happy. And one of the best ways to make others feel happier is to work on yourself. Ever notice how your mood lightens when a happy person comes in the room? And how a miserable person has the opposite effect? Helping yourself is one of the best things you can do for those around you.

It sounds like your dad has indeed been in a state of turmoil and has paid a high price for that. He knows deep down he has hurt the people who mean the most to him and has suffered for it. Is he a bad person? Probably not. But he has been weak, and he knows it. A stronger person would have made a firm decision, one way or the other. But we all have our weaknesses. The important thing for you is to accept that your dad is human, and not to hold any bad feelings towards him. That would just poison you in the long run. You can love someone without approving of the way that they behave in everything that they do.

I have been in your Mum’s position and understand completely how she feels. It feels like a judgment on you, like you weren’t good enough, or didn’t try hard enough. But it is not a judgment on her at all. Apart from anything else, your dad hasn’t even left, so the alternative can’t be that great. But even if he did, that is a reflection only of his values, not your Mum’s worth as a person. She obviously puts a higher value on her family, by the fact that she is trying to keep it together in spite of everything, so she deserves maximum credit for that.

Now, your boyfriend. My first observation on reading that was, “Wow – I wish I’d had a girlfriend that cared about me like that!”

You don’t mention how he feels about his weight – do you think it bothers him? Because if it doesn’t, he won’t do anything about it. But I’m guessing from what you say about his low self-esteem that it does bother him, possibly more than he would want to admit.

Typically, at university age, lots of triggers happen together – you stop growing, so don’t burn up as many calories as you did in your teenage years; you have to cater for yourself, meaning that junk food is an attractive option; you might stop playing sports like you did at school or at home; you spend more time at a desk than ever before; your sleep patterns can get disrupted; you may be lonely, so spend more time indoors. And I’m sure he misses you terribly. Combine these together and gaining weight is inevitable.

Some of these can’t be avoided, but there may be other things that can be done to counteract them. Maybe joining a university sports club as a way of getting exercise and making friends. Maybe voice recording study notes on a phone and listening to them whilst walking in the park. Maybe learning to cook a few easy, cheap, healthy meals. Maybe you could be his mentor, so he tells you what exercise he has done each day or each week – not to nag him, but to encourage him. Hearing your pleasure and praise will be a great ego boost for him. Whatever his triggers are, work on those, and the weight control will occur as a happy by-product. And he’ll be happier and healthier into the bargain.

Your post shows what a caring person you are, but also the effect that worrying about others is having on you. Anita mentioned in another post about “fitting your own oxygen mask before helping others”. This is very sound advice, The best way to help others is to focus on yourself so they don’t have another thing to worry about.

And that way, you will live up to your name – I defy anyone to look at a penguin and not feel happier…

Hi James

For a moment I thought you were my younger self having accessed a time machine, and I was worried that if I replied I might find myself in some weird seventh dimension…

In summary, you seem to be saying, “I don’t know what it is I want, but I know I don’t want this!” The fact is, the majority of people we meet every day feel like this. They just don’t want to admit it to themselves, so they crowd out those thoughts with other things. The difference with you is, you have realized it. And so you have already taken the biggest step towards changing it – simply acknowledging it.

The perfectionism thing is a very common problem – we don’t want to produce something mediocre, because we think others will judge us by it, so we end up producing nothing. I have spent many years trying to overcome it in myself, and even now, it is hard to hit that “Submit” button!

It took me a long time to decide what it was I really wanted out of life, and even longer to get started on it, mostly due to the perfectionism thing. But eventually, once I realized that doing something I wanted to do was always going to better than staying as I was, I started. I wasn’t very good at first, but I stuck at it because I loved it. I’m still nowhere near as good as I would like to be, but I’m better than if I’d never started. Deciding to change your life is hard. But not changing is a decision too.

The first thing to consider is, do you really want to change? I mean, really? Sticking with the status quo has its upsides – familiarity, predictability, simplicity. That’s why so many people do it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of – UNLESS you feel it hurting you, asphyxiating you, drowning you. And, from the tone of your posts, I think it is.

OK, so you know you want to change. What is it that will inspire you? What is it that you would love to do? What is it that, if money was no object, you would do every day anyway?

It can be a difficult question to answer, simply because we are sometimes too close to even see it. So take your time over it. Write down every idea you have. Choose some friends who will give you honest and sensible feedback what they think you are really good at. (Don’t worry about how to make money out of it at this stage – if they say “playing Warmachine” write it down – people make a fortune playing games on Youtube.)

Think back to what you really loved doing as a child. What got you excited? What did you do with yourself in those years when you didn’t even know what money was? Did you draw? Did you breakdance? Did you play sport? Did you put a box on your head and pretend to be a Stormtrooper? Write it all down.

Now look at your list. If you need more ideas, try combining two or more together (a breakdancing Stormtrooper? I’d pay to see that.)
Chances are, there will be two or three items on your list that really fire you up. That give you that burning desire. These will be the ones to focus on.

Unless you were a really unusual kid, I’m guessing your list won’t contain things like, “playing accountants”. So in terms of making a living out of your passion, it may not be obvious at first.

This is where you need to get creative. If it was painting, you could produce your own art, or train as a graphic designer, or an architect, or produce murals, re-spray cars, custom-paint motorcycles, design logos, become a sign-writer. If it was breakdancing, it could be a dance teacher, a fitness instructor, performing arts, kid’s parties. If it was pretending to be a Stormtrooper, well, a guy near me hires himself out doing just that.

Then just start doing it. Whether or not you get paid, and whether or not anyone even sees it. Start. It won’t be perfect. You will want to do it better. Good. That means it matters to you. So do it again.

Now, I’m not going to pretend to you that everything can be turned into a job you can do for a living. Maybe you will just end up doing it for the fun of it. But so what? You will have made your life that bit more enjoyable. And because you enjoy it, you will do it well. And because you do it well, you will be asked to do it more. And then…who knows?

You obviously have a fire smoldering within you, or you would never have written your post on this site. Keep feeding those flames, and you will burn more brightly than you could ever have believed.

Hi Danielle

As a man who has gone through some challenging relationship issues in the past, your story sounds quite familiar. I can certainly relate to your tale from the other side, and I completely agree with Anita’s perceptive and sensible advice.

I can think of several times where I cared about someone so much, I felt I wasn’t worthy of her, and so tried to protect her (and me) by keeping my distance. I had the best of intentions. But, looking back, the effect was to hurt her, and any prospect of a relationship, by appearing cold and distant whilst she tried to be warm and loving. I was stupid, and it was my loss.

So I can fully believe that your partner may have seemed distant for a long time, particularly if he has had bad experiences. But the fact is, you both stuck it out. That in itself shows that there must be enough strength in the relationship, on both sides, for you to have made it through that phase.

That said, going through that time has left you with some concerns, which you have identified as a difficulty in letting go of the past. In other words, your past experience is affecting your present feelings. That is a completely natural and human reaction. It is a basic reaction that enabled human beings to survive. And in fact, it is the same reaction that your partner was going through earlier – his experience of his past affected his present feelings.

How do you fix it? Well, in the same way that it seems he did.

For whatever reason, he associated being in love with getting hurt. But each day with you started to re-program that association. Here was somebody he loved who didn’t hurt him. Someone who supported him. Someone who loved him back. Someone who would allow him to be himself. So after a time he associated being in love with being supported, being himself, being happy. So he asked you to be his girlfriend. Because those old associations aren’t there for him any more. He has beaten that phobia.

The problem is that now, quite understandably, you are the one who associates loving someone with the way that he was behaving towards you before you got together. (Love’s complicated, isn’t it!) Add that to any past experiences that you already had and, well, there is work to be done!

So now, you must both work to re-program those associations. For you, that means two things. First, you must forgive yourself for the feelings that you have – they are natural and sensible, and are there to stop you becoming involved in bad or harmful relationships. Secondly, it means focusing on the present. In other words, every day ask yourself, has he acted in the way that you fear today? The more times you draw a blank with that question (and from what you say, that seems to be the case), the easier it will be to move on.
Similarly for him, he needs to know and understand how you feel and why you feel it. The best way is to relate it to how he felt, because he knows what that was like, and also that the feeling passes in time.

You clearly want the relationship to work, because you have asked for advice on how to move it forward. He obviously wants the relationship to work, because he went through a complete U-turn to be there, and knows exactly what he is getting into. So it is worth investing the time and effort into a future that looks bright for you both.

Good luck to you both!