How can I help my mom when I can't even help myself?

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by Axuda.

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June 10, 2015 at 9:08 pm #78056

Rebecca
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I suppose I just needed a place to say how i feel. My mom, who just turned 62, was let go from a job she had been at for over 20 years for a much younger person who they could pay for far less. My mom was able to get another job fairly quickly, which I thank god for but it has proven to be only half a blessing. The hours are terrible, the location is far away from home, the traffic unbearable, and the work even more demanding but of course for less pay. I’m only 21, in college right now. I hate hearing my mother each day on the phone. She sounds exhausted and miserable. She can’t retire until 70 and each day i think how are we going to survive like this for another 8 years? I feel helpless to cheer up my mom, she has been through so much already in life. It’s just me and her since my dad committed suicide when i was 12 years old.

I feel like I’m only a financial burden to my family right now. I desperately want to be out of college so I can help pay the bills but instead I just suck up more of our finances. i’ve been going through my own round of depression this year and I’m trying so hard to not let this situation hurt me more. I know my mom worries so much about how i’m doing, so I can only imagine how she is holding back how truly difficult it has been for her. How can I help her feel better? Just today i stared at the computer screen at work trying to not cry as I thought about everything. I know I should look on the bright side that we have a house and a job but it’s difficult when life seems to be spiraling out of control…has anyone out there dealt with something like this? Any words of advice?

June 11, 2015 at 12:20 am #78059

pamela farrar
Participant

This is not an easy road to travel and I can only tell u my experience but that was when I was in college and I know have 2 collage age kids. One thing u need to do and I hope u will is contact the counseling department at your school.
Don’t continue to deal with the depression on your own or it will only get worse. I know how much u live your mom and want to help the best way u can help is to take care of yourself. Focus on school on your mental health. That’s what will help her the most. After my dad died it was just me and my mom. I know now didn’t then that she was severely depressed and needed help. But I was so wrapped up in it and so unaware. And I didn’t have anyone to help me to navigate thru it. When u finish school u can do what u can to help your mom. Getting thru school will help u both to get what u need and to be able to have a better life. You are a thoughtful caring young woman I’m sure your mom is responsible for that. You will be ok and so will your mom will too. I’m afraid we all face hard times and it seems like some have it harder than others. Please talk with a counselor at your school don’t try to face this alone. I wish u the best and my thoughts are with u. I believe you can do this and see your way thru.
Pam

June 11, 2015 at 5:36 am #78066

Inky
Participant

Hi Rebecca,

As a parent, my kids ARE what my life’s all about. The purpose. The raison d’etre. So don’t feel guilty about being in college and being a financial burden. You being in college is actually the point ~ to make sure our children have a good life. If anything, stay in college and even switch majors to find a real job after graduation. Like, don’t be a poetry major. (Sorry, poetry majors!)

Also, give your mom “permission”/tell her it’s OK to do what she needs to do. Maybe she can sell the house and move to a cheaper and/or closer place to her work? That would relieve a lot of stress. Tell her that you’re not attached to your childhood home.

And I’m sure you’re helping your mom with the bills as you also work.

It will be OK!

Inky

June 11, 2015 at 10:51 am #78083

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rebecca:
In regard to your pain about your mother’s pain (via your empathy): change your location to pain, if you can- from being suffocated UNDERNEATH it- to moving yourself to the side of it, so you ar not crushed by its weight.

When you talk to her daily on the phone- is it every day? Does she express her pain every time you are on the phone? How?
What do you tell her in response? How do you try to make her feel better and what does she say in response?

anita

June 11, 2015 at 11:39 am #78086

Rebecca
Participant

Anita,
My mom and I are very close, so yes I talk to her everyday. She simply is just frustrated by having to learn another job all over again when before she knew her job perfectly. She said the lack of independence is awful for her too. She used to have her own office and dictate her schedule. Now she is in a big room with over 20 other people and a supervisor that monitors every phone call and computer. It’s definitely a big change for her so quickly and I try to tell her that she needs to be patient. She just started this job so it’s going to take time for her to adjust. She definitely tries to be optimistic but at times just says that she doubts she will ever be comfortable in her new position. I hope in a few months it will be better once all the initial chaos is over. I try to help her look on the bright side but even for me it’s difficult. Thanks for your questions!
Rebecca

June 11, 2015 at 11:57 am #78089

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rebecca:
I am glad for you and for your mom that you two have a close, honest, positive relationship as adults. This is wonderful. As such you two can comfort each other when either one of you needs comfort. In an airlane the insturctions about putting on the oxygen mask in time of trouble is that you put it first on yourself and second on your loved one, so that you have the oxygen you need to help another. Similarly, I hope you endure the pain in life- the pain that is part of life- in such a way that it doesn’t overwhelm you, in such a way that you take care of your self interest first.

I hope you post again.
anita

June 11, 2015 at 12:10 pm #78093

Rebecca
Participant

Pam – thank you so much for the words of encouragement 🙂 I know it will help my mom if I take care of myself first and I know she does not want me to worry so much about her. I am seeing a therapist right now who is helping me with my depression. I just need to remind myself to take one day at a time and know it’ll be okay

Inky – Yes! School is definitely very important right now. And to reassure you I am an accounting major (that switched from history) that will be going to grad school next year. And we are looking to move one day to a better location. So I know I need to keep in mind that although I can’t help financially now, all of this will pay off in the future. I just need to be patient and know it will work out for the best

Thank you everyone for your comments. You have been a big help! I just needed someplace to vent i think and get positive advice. Your kids are all very lucky to have you in their lives. I hope you all have a good day!

June 11, 2015 at 12:25 pm #78095

Rebecca
Participant

Anita,

I really like the idea of how being on a airplane you need to take care of yourself, otherwise, you can’t be there for other people. I know my mom will be strong and that we will get through this difficult time together. I hope I can focus on doing what is right for me and know that it doesn’t make me selfish. Thank you for your advice and support. It means a lot.

Rebecca

June 11, 2015 at 1:42 pm #78102

Axuda
Participant

Hi Rebecca

As a parent, I can only endorse what Inky says – I would go through any amount of hardship to give my children the chance to become all that they can be, and I would never want them to compromise their future for my sake. There is nothing on Earth that gives me more joy than seeing them doing what they love and being happy. So focusing on yourself is the most unselfish thing you can possibly do!

It’s wonderful that you care so much about your mother – you have been through a lot together, and it has obviously brought you even closer. So it is important to remember that oxygen mask analogy – you won’t help your mother by giving her something else to worry about!

Another thing worth remembering is that, at 62, your mother will be a lot more resilient than you think. Anyone of that age will have known significant hardships, and your mom especially so. She was over 40 when you were born – take it from me, that alone is a huge lifestyle change! Then, left alone with a young daughter, she worked hard and got her into college when others would have crumbled. She is obviously a strong lady and deserves a huge amount of credit for what she has achieved. Sure, she has had a setback, which is tough, but she has had to deal with far worse – she will adapt to it, or find something better, like she has had to so many times before. And she has the support of a loving and caring daughter to help her, and that is all the payback any parent could ever want.
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