I went to a meditation retreat a little while ago and the teacher said that emotions are like the clouds in a blue sky. You are the blue sky and the clouds just pass through. You are not your emotions. And this helped me to see that even though emotions may feel overwhelming at times that there is still part of me that is stable and separate. And every emotion will pass. Even a terrible thunderstorm will pass by. It make take a few months but you will feel better and one day you will be completely over your ex girlfriend. This suffering will not last.

It is really good that you are taking the time to experience your emotions now. This is the path to healing and it takes a lot of strength to face these painful emotions. But you will be better off for going through this. You will be stronger and wiser in your future relationships.

I know it must be really hard since you have to see her at work. It would probably be easier if you could erase her from your daily life.

Even though your ex may appear happy and carefree I suspect she is hurting a lot too. I can’t imagine anyone would leave a long relationship and not feel pain and hurt over the break up. She may just be hiding it.

About freedom and jealousy, I know that no one is completely free and in a relationship there are certain commitments that limit freedom of course. I am struggling with my own jealousy in my relationship right now. So writing to you maybe helps me to sort out my own thoughts. I guess what I mean is that I need to trust my partner to honor his commitments and respect our relationship. He has to be free to commit to the relationship or not. If I act out of my jealousy and try to control him or monitor him this will not work. And it will lead him to feel resentful and stifled. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion and it is hard for me to accept it within myself. And I struggle to handle it in the best way possible. I don’t want to nurture my own jealousy or to cause unhappiness. But it is really hard to do.

I recently saw a great episode of Louis CK’s show. Louis was contemplating ending his relationship because his girlfriend was going to leave town in a little while and he was afraid of getting hurt. So he thought maybe he should dump her before he got too involved and got hurt. And this old man told him that he was being stupid. That having a broken heart is actually a good thing because a broken heart shows that you loved someone. The old man said that he hasn’t had his heart broken in thirty years and what wouldn’t he give to have his heart broken again.

So right now you are just paying the price for having loved someone and love is a good and valuable thing.

Brav3,
I can relate to your situation. It is hard to keep a relationship alive and healthy in a long term way. Often I feel it is like trying to catch a star. I am compelled to keep at it but it doesn’t happen. And when I look at the lives of my close friends, I often believe they are unhappy in their long term relationships. Or they are not in long term relationships. It does seem like many people run away at the first problems instead of sticking around and working through them. And in an intimate relationship after some time all your personal demons rise to the surface. You can’t hide parts of yourself. You have to deal with all your own inner baggage and the baggage of your partner as well. And it becomes hard to tell which problem starts with whom, and it is easier to blame the other person than to look inwards.

31 is young and you should not give up. I haven’t given up.

Lately I have been reflecting on the concept of loving someone and letting them be free, which is hard for me to do. Because loving someone involves opening up and being vulnerable. And I have the tendency to want some control of the other person to ensure I don’t get hurt by them. But control is not an atmosphere where love can grow and where a person can flourish. But it is hard to love someone when they do things you think are wrong and upsetting to you. Because what your partner does effects you since you are close and open to them. Even more so if you live together, are married and have children. So I struggle with this concept and I have begun to think that my ability to have a deep and meaningful love is directly related to my ability to be unattached to my partner. To love and accept him even when times are rough, which takes a lot of inner strength.

And I think one of the roughest times is when you feel the spark has died in your relationship and there is no passion or desire. If this happens is there a way to get it back? Is there a way to keep the flame alive? It is very painful to feel rejected in this way and very tricky to solve this problem.

I can relate to your situation and I know it is very hard. I am divorced with 2 children and I have to say I am so much happier now than when I was in an unhappy marriage. It felt like there was no room for “me” in my marriage. Now that my children visit their father regularly I have some time to live my own life and be my own individual person. In my marriage I felt like I was working all the time. I was a wife and a mother, taking care of everyone else while my needs were not being met. I grew angry and resentful and miserable.

I too lost desire for my husband and I cringe at the thought of living with him again.

That being said, it is lonely and stressful being a single mom and I do sometimes wish I lived with someone who I could love. And it would be nice to share parenting with a father. So we could share household duties and enjoy the kids together. (But I still don’t want to go back with my ex.) But if there is a way you can be happy while staying in your marriage, that would be worthwhile to pursue.

I would recommend making time for yourself. Even if it means getting a babysitter, so that once or twice a week you can leave the house and do something that you love to do and that makes you feel good. Maybe even go away for a weekend without the kids – either by yourself or with your husband.

I can understand your need to do things on your own. Maybe you can accomplish that while still staying married.

I also know it is hard to trust your husband after he was unfaithful to you. It must be stressful since he works long, irregular hours.

I hope you make it work out so you can grow old together like you imagined. It is hard when you have young children that need so much time to care for them. Good luck!

I am wondering do you still love your husband and enjoy your time with him? Because it would be

I don’t see any real risk if you are just friends and he hasn’t made a move on you. It is good to have friends. This way you can get to know him without the pressure of dating. Don’t be afraid of the feelings you have for him. It is good to find someone so attractive. Maybe as you get to know him better you will decide you are no longer attracted to him. Or maybe your relationship will evolve into something deeper than a friendship. It is exciting to discover the path your life is leading. Don’t run away because it is too intense!

If you suspect he would be a bad boyfriend, take steps to ensure your relationship never gets out of control. Like don’t spend time alone with him. Hang out in public places with other friends, etc. Date other people if you want. Enjoy him being a part of your life but stay in touch with your own feelings and needs. Stay in your comfort zone and don’t get too close to him if you dont feel secure. Give it some time and see what happens. You can handle this.