Hi Anita,

You’ve given me much to think about!  Work overtook life for a moment, but I’m happy to return to this exploration. And as for digressing- sometimes the things conversations bring to mind are brought to mind because we wonder about similarities, and that is exactly why exploring with others can be an amazing thing!

In your first reply, you mention the atypical signs, and I believe that I do engage in these things somewhat. For instance, not surrounding my discussion with my friend about my hope that we could have more consistent communication, but earlier this summer, I did share with her my intermittent feelings of loneliness/desire for connection as situations changed- a cancelled trip with another friend (for very good reason that I understood, but was disappointed about).  I know that as I shared my disappointment, I was very clear to also share my understanding why it was happening.  And I definitely did not put pressure on my friend to “fill the gap”.  But I did share that that event might encourage me to seek more solo travel.  And I can see how my friend may have taken that as me making statements that she related to, even though I tried my best to keep it specific to the situation, understanding of how adult lives often don’t mesh well, etc.  I may struggle with how to navigate sharing of authentic thoughts (disappointment of a cancelled trip) while still supporting friendships.  I think that may be the crux of it- no matter how improved I get at communication, I still feel like sharing anything negative at all about my life, any type of dissatisfaction, I feel like that is a major roadblock in my friendships.  Yet I don’t really know how to keep up appearances with people who have longevity and depth with me.  Obviously I’m not out sharing my burdens with acquaintances, but after a certain point I hear other’s burdens and I share mine.   But either I need improvement communicating my burdens when and how appropriate, or I’m connecting with people who have difficulty hearing those, because I’m a helper and maybe I’m just finding those who need to be helped, and we never actually move beyond that dynamic.

In your second post, you mention the potential of me not being able to accept help.  This has been a significant issue in my life, and one I’ve been working on.  I’m not sure how it plays into my most recent friend issue- you bring up her saying she was never going to be good enough.  That statement was directly related to her never communicating regularly, specifically.  There has been a significant change in her responding over the past year, and I took her statement as her telling me “I am not able to respond or interact any differently than I am right now”.  I think where I get frustrated with that is that she clearly expected me to continue to reach out in the same manner as I had been (more in line with our previous communication style), because when I had an incident with my parents that took me away from regular messaging for that week she responded very negatively, accusing me of doing it on purpose.  She never actually was able to hear and acknowledge that I was slightly absent due to my parents’ concern, she just determined her reasoning was correct and disappeared.  I think, when I look back, she was growing away from me over time, and I failed to recognize it.  I know that I do that- I’m trusting in the friendship, and others say they are too, so I see the signs of distance but I give people the benefit of the doubt, that they are busy, going through things, having typical adult space-  not working on leaving.  And then there I am, feeling a little bit like an idiot once I realize that for them, they were finished with the relationship for a while, and were just waiting for me to catch up with this information.

I suppose this could definitely play in to my difficulty accepting support.  There are people I will more easily allow to help me- but they are people who have not then turned around and used that need for support against me.  And I admit, I’ve run into this more than a time or two- I’ll need help or support, someone will offer to provide it, but then when the time comes, they have a ton of reasons why they can’t provide it or I shouldn’t need that type of support.  And its not just the typical negotiation of what they can provide or what would work for me or scheduling or whatever (typical boundaries type stuff), it becomes a full-out “you shouldn’t need this” or “you should be able to do this alone”.  So that discourages me from asking for help or allowing it, because in the past it has turned into a reflection of my character or fitness for some people, and I really don’t have time for that and would like to avoid it whenever possible.

I’ll pause here- there is a lot going on in my mind right now!  Thank you for meandering through this with me!

Hi, Anita,

I am absolutely blown away by the depth of your response, and very thankful! Thank you for joining me in this exploration.

You ask about how my hurt, angry, demanding side shows in my adult friendships.  That is a fair question, and I’m not sure.  As far as all outward, typical things one might see (yelling, blame, destructive behavior, etc), none of those things happen.  If my mood or inner thoughts aren’t “fit for public consumption”, I stay home until they are. I go to bed, I work on some exercises to challenge myself to a more healthy mindset.  Much of what could be residual untamed side plays out internally in my head, through negative self- thoughts, and I’ve worked hard over the years to keep that to myself.  When I was a young adult (20’s) I was more external- I would yell, be dramatic with others, etc.  Haven’t acted out in that way in many years.  For example- work has been very stressful and one day I was invited to dinner with a small group, and I declined, just saying “thanks for the invite but it’s been a hell of a day and I’m staying in. Have a blast,  I’ll catch you next time”.  and they did, and I stayed home that night and allowed myself my negative self-thoughts and went to bed early, I felt better when I woke up and put my work resiliency back on, and I did join them next time.

I went through a good bout of therapy a while ago and during that time and since have been working on something my therapist called healing my inner child.  Having my adult self  ‘save and care for’ my inner child, so as to not be seeking that externally.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done and generally feel a whole lot healthier as a person.  I’ve come to understand that this idea sold in the movies of “found family” is much a myth, and have built much more realistic expectations around my relationships these past years.  Yet I still find that at about the 6-7 year range, my friendships fail.

In most recent situations, I’ve let it go externally, keeping peace, but I am still internally aware that this isn’t the life I’m wanting.  With the friend who gradually distanced, I asked a couple of times, pointed out I was noticing changes, and the answer was that nothing was different, even though there were clear definable changes.   I accepted that I would not have an answer and that continuing that line of questioning would end poorly, and now we say hi in public and buy each other’s children’s fundraiser items and she will reference stuff she sees on my social media and call me by the old nickname she gave me and that’s it.  There’s no big blow up- just a clear understanding on my part that something changed she wasn’t comfortable sharing or working through with me and that’s that.  It’s confusing and uncomfortable for me but it is what it is.  In the other recent instance, when my friend expressed her thoughts that I was insinuating she wasn’t good enough, I tried to communicate clearly and supportively that my wish for more consistent communication was just that, a wish, born out of both a concern for her wellbeing and our recent situation where lack of communication almost led to missing a trip she really wanted to take (that she would have been mad at me for).  I saw it in the same vein as when she mentioned her wish that we lived closer to one another (that I can’t do anything about at this time)- us identifying things we would like or wish could or would happen, but not deal breakers if they can’t happen.  We did not see it the same way.

I continue to work hard on healing myself as a person.  I’ve noticed a lot of positive change, especially reflecting on where I was when last I asked for feedback here.  From my point of view, I do worry that I have these relationships that are important to me and in order to keep them I need to keep my mouth shut if I have any wants or needs, and that doesn’t feel the greatest.  I am assessing for appropriateness for what I keep internal and what I share, and I’m communicating fairly compassionately and clearly.

So what I have to wonder is this: I’ve grown up with this experience of love and belonging as only a factor of what I can give/provide/achieve/ reflect, and I’m still and likely always seeking a different, more whole kind of love, even if I don’t conciously act out that need- is it possible for me to have more lifelong connections?   And what steps can I take if I’m not sure where to go next?   And I can honestly say I enjoy my own time and space in a way I certainly didn’t back then.  But I still desire to have more than just acquaintance relationships in my life, and I want to keep the friends I have (maybe even make new ones!). I’ve watched friends and acquaintances isolate themselves and I definitely do not want to do that to myself.

Thank you so much for your thoughts surrounding this!

Anita,

Thank you for the ongoing assistance. I haven’t replied in a few days because I got ill- I certainly wasn’t positive or joyous then! haha. Regarding your questions- I feel I am like you, personally. I seek a more realistic view. I know that my view of the world and others tends to be positive and I see the good in everyone, but my view of myself is negative. So I definitely do focus more on trying to balance out the negative thinking with positive to hopefully ease into a more middle ground. It feels like a weird spot- I have a brain wired for the negative (the depression) and a spirit wired for the positive. So moderation for me is always the goal. After long years of practice, I am now able to sit through and experience the hard feelings, and know they will pass. So no, I do not expect continuous joy. I acknowledge it and enjoy it as it comes, but I know that all feelings come and go in their own time. I think my difficulty is that I struggle to find people that accept both the positive, giving parts of me and the down, needy parts. People enjoy me when I am loving, positive and giving, and then turn away or become angry when I need that encouragement or help. So really I’m looking for ways to grow myself so that I can find and embrace more reciprocal relationships and connections with others.

As a child, I definitely was defined by my accomplishments and successes. I truly believe my parents did as well as they could, and I don’t have a history of childhood trauma, but I was always the “smart” one, the “good” one. My sister was more of a wild child and was in trouble a lot, and my parent’s marriage wasn’t good most of my childhood. So in essence, in my youth invisibility was better. Attention meant you were in trouble, you did something wrong, or someone was mad at you. I was bullied a lot in school, so it was similar- no attention was a good thing. Back then, this attitude had a purpose and worked well for me. As an adult, however, it is not working well for me and I want to change my perceptions. Over the years I have grown a lot, but this is the attitude that I am stuck on. What do you do about childhood perceptions if you can’t let them go?

Thank you for your replies! I appreciate you guys for helping me process through this.

Maria Mango: Regarding the people I try to connect with- I am fairly well into adulthood, so the majority of people my age are in romantic relationships and/or raising children. While I superficially know many lovely people, and do some light socializing with them after church, etc; none of them are ever available to get together due to family priorities, which I understand completely. I have been dis-invited from planned outings due to my romantically single status. I have been told “[Event] just sort of became a couples thing, and we wouldn’t want you to feel awkward” or “We thought you’d have someone by now for [husband] to talk to”. I think it is human nature to gravitate towards people in your own “stage” in life, and my stage just doesn’t match up with most others right now.

I do believe I gravitate towards people who take more than they give. I am a nurturer by nature, and my ex husband was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That is one of the main reasons I am choosing not to seek romantic involvement- I do not trust myself to choose a healthy partner yet, and I can not replay my marriage.

Harry, thank you for your words. Funny that you should mention academic or career advancement- I am finishing up a master’s program, and just accepted a promotion, so that is what I’ve been doing for the past three years. I worry, as it comes closer to graduation, that without the “crutch” of academics I will feel the lack of connection in my life more keenly, bringing about my desire to address this now.

Anita, regarding your questions: Several big events in life come to mind. The first was when I was 27, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I was unable to play the roles I was expected to play as a wife, mother, and daughter in law. I was honest about my fatigue, my fear of the big C, my inability to function. My ex (then my husband) called me crazy and lazy.

The second is during the divorce. My ex and I had been having problems for some time, which we hid from family and friends. When he stopped coming home to my son and I, instead practically living with a single woman in a nearby town, I left. The majority of our friends remained friends with him. I was a very difficult person for about a year- I cried most of the time, I was angry, I was struggling to raise our son alone and on welfare. Meanwhile, he was not experiencing these things- he was having parties and going out. Our friends said I needed to “get over it” and said they were tired of defending me. When he began driving intoxicated with my son in the car, and I called the police, they said I was going too far.

I suppose when I replay situations in my life, it is when I draw clear boundaries and allow my sadness/hurt/depression to be seen by others, it is then that I am rejected and left by people who say they love me. When I am doing well, when I am positive, encouraging, and nurturing people enjoy my presence. When I am hurt, ill, depressed, or putting boundaries in place, I am rejected by those people I need to lean on. So I have learned to lean only on myself, but this leaves me with the deep fear that people only love me at my best, so if they see anything less than my best they will abandon me.