To add to this, if anyone is still around to read it- Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about feeling sadness and grief over losing something, even if it’s just the potential of a future that’ll never happen. Sometimes, I just feel sad. And I tell myself it’s alright, because you have to let yourself feel the sad/pain to get through it. But then I wasn’t getting through it. It would revisit over and over. How does one process this sadness so they no longer feel it?

What does it mean to acknowledge that you feel something, and then let it go?

Recently, I attended an awesome breathing class in which I dug very deep into why I have become fond of being sad/anxious/depressed instead of just the happy carefree person I really really long to be. I saw my mother, who would dress up in beautiful outfits, put on a mask, and show the world the happy version of herself. But at home, she’d throw it all aside and drink herself into what she thought should have been happy. But really, it was just a drunker version of her depression that I had taken upon myself to conquer. How can I make her happy. How can I get through this night, and then the next..

I strongly believe that it is not our faults what trauma and baggage gets thrown on us and we carry to adulthood from our childhoods, but we are responsible for how we then move forward, and the people we become. (This is outside of serious mental health and illness which can be completely out of your control without help). So, why have I been dwelling. I am sad that I find myself lonely, but I am not alone. I am sad that a future that looked so pretty when I pictured it will not be within my grasp now that I know the truth about who I had been dating. I’m mad that my mom couldn’t be the parent I wanted/needed her to be (Thanks for the great blog post, Tiny Buddha- “Grieving the Parents you Needed but Never Had”).

I forget all of the good things sometimes. That when I acknowledge that I’m sad, I can also say, “But I am goofy, strong, and outgoing. I like myself.” I think that’s the key, and I’ve been leaning into this energy a lot this past week.

Also- If anyone out there is reading- Has anyone ever heard that little voice inside of you telling you what it needs? Before a few days ago, I thought that was all quite silly. But then, when letting my mind wander during those breathing exercises, I heard my own voice say- “I know you’ve been waiting for someone to love you fully and completely. But, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll wait forever, but please don’t make me.” Man, I bawled and bawled.. And I listed. 🙂 Anyone have a story about their little inside voice? I’d love to hear it!