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Beth Venus

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  • #36194
    Beth Venus
    Participant

    I meant * isn’t her fault, and isn’t your fault

    #36193
    Beth Venus
    Participant

    Dear Josh,

    Perhaps the first thing to think about is a way to get out of the toxic traps and toxic patterns in your relationship? The depression your girlfriend suffers from isn’t your fault, isn’t your fault. But it also isn’t your responsibility: it’s lovely that you’ve taken the time to try to be there for her and be patient with her and help and support her. The core of the problem needs to be addressed though, and helping her to seek some therapy for it could be a way of supporting her through it? Things may have happened in the past, and the start of the relationship sounds like it was rocky, but the issues of the past need to be put aside, and your girlfriend needs to see how important that is, and how important it is for you both to be the ones seeing the best in each other if you’re going to continue or re-establish a supportive and mutually nurturing relationship. The relationship I’m in now started in a similar way to yours it sounds, so I can understand why your now girlfriend might feel insecure perhaps? But it doesn’t justify constant criticism – nothing justifies that, even if she is wonderful underneath that. Ending the relationship or taking some breathing space could be helpful. It’s worth remembering that your girlfriend’s fears and feelings are her own and originating from within her, and that is where they need to be addressed in order to allow her to react and engage with you in a more open and understanding (rather than defensive/aggressive) way.

    I really hope you can work it out and find a way to care for your needs, whether that means staying with her and approaching the problems constructively, or breaking up and beginning afresh ~

    #35352
    Beth Venus
    Participant

    I can completely relate to how you’ve been feeling, because the feeling that I need a relationship has directed many decisions and a lot of my energy over the past year, and it’s only with the help of tinybuddha that I’ve started to realise that feelings of lack and loneliness are coming from inside and need to be addressed there before a beautiful and loving relationship can be found. Maybe the first place to start is with loving yourself?

    You could start with accepting that you’re allowed to feel beautiful. Perhaps if you let yourself feel beautiful and believe yourself to be beautiful, it will add to feelings of contentment that you sometimes have. Being your own friend means looking in the mirror and saying ‘hey, you look pretty today, and it’s going to be a lovely day’. If you cultivate that kind of practice of self-love, it will help your self-esteem grow, gently bit by bit. And it’ll also make you more receptive to relationships that help cultivate love, both self-love and other-love, in a mutual way.

    Another thing is that, it’s ok to think about love and finding a soulmate or boyfriend a lot. It’d probably help not to beat yourself up about that, because it’s a preoccupation almost everybody experiences quite a lot of the time! 🙂

    Being happy with yourself and being keen to love yourself is probably one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and to a future partner, because it would help them to love you well too. So maybe just try reframing what you’re feeling this way? 🙂

    These are tiny buddha posts you might already have read but that seem helpful to this:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-secret-to-high-self-esteem/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-love-your-authentic-self/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/amp-up-your-self-love-7-tools-to-feel-great-about-you/

    Good luck and much love

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