I spent a year helping a parent with alzheimer’s and end stage lung cancer. I started drinking heavily to cope with the grief or rather, not knowing how to grieve in a healthy manner. At any rate, during this time in my 20 year marriage, my husband buried himself in alcohol, Facebook and Poker. After the memorial service, my oldest child asked if I knew what dad did online? What I found completely annihilated my sense of self and life as I knew it. I discovered an alter ego comprised of internet infidelity and sex addiction. I tortured myself looking through emails, chat logs, browser histories and saved pornography downloads. I simply could not believe what I was seeing and that he was meeting 22 to 27 year old women online and engaging in this type of behavior through Facebook social media and chat forums! I thought his alienation and isolation was in part his way of grieving. I confronted my husband and asked him to participate in couples counseling and he simply refused, saying the problem was mine. He maintains his innocence as he has not “physically” consummated a relationship with these women and the “friendships” are innocent and that he has done nothing wrong. He moved into our garage as we could not afford to separate and finally moved out of the family home at my request at 2 years of separation. At this point, I suffered depression and anxiety. I was an emotional wreck and could not stop crying and had daily panic attacks and could barely function.

The shock I received was a catalyst to my own recovery. I started by getting a physical and walking every day. I joined a gym. I then went to grief counseling and joined a women’s support group and learned the differences between physical, emotional, mental and financial abuses. I started working with a therapist after finishing grief counseling and joined 12-step groups for alcohol dependency and another centered around relationships and co-dependency. As I started getting physically and emotionally better, learning to process my feelings and to be honest with myself, I went back to college to continue developing myself while figuring out exactly what my priorities are. I am also caring for my children whose lives had been shattered too.

What I have learned is that, I cannot control people, places or things. The only thing I can change today is how I perceive the circumstances of my life and the choices I make. I work hard at self-acceptance and compassion for others while still honoring myself. I read a Taoist blog by a certified MFT once that stated, “once an infidelity has occurred the marriage is over as the foundation of trust has been broken”. That does not imply that a new relationship cannot be started, however the trick is leaving all judgement behind. Another family counselor said that without both partners willing to commit to the relationship 100%, that therapy would be doomed to failure as it takes the effort of both partners willing to be truthful. Today, I have come to realize that I cannot personally live in a state of distrust, doubt, suspicion, insecurity or paranoia. To me, that is a prison of negativity suffocating my spirit. I want to share my life with someone positive I can grow with spiritually. For my own emotional sobriety, I cannot live in denial enabling destructive behaviors, mine or theirs. I have come to realize, I love him enough to allow him the dignity to choose his own path, while I continue mine in a different direction. I know who I am today and that is enough.

I hope the experience of my journey eases your path in some small way. I wish you peace and joy. Namaste