Hi Anita

Thanks for your reply.

What I related to in the statement ‘one key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs’ … I saw that ‘typical codependent martyr like attitude’ in myself by putting my needs on hold (sacrificing my needs) and putting his needs ahead of my own in a sense – by not necessarily staying because it is my choice fully but putting that power in his hands because he needs me to stay and therefore I will but I’m not right and I’m not whole and I can’t bring myself to start a family in this circumstance but I must put my needs on hold, his needs are more important than my own.

Which is what I can now see is clearly faulty.  Changing that pattern is the hard part.

And yes when I say try try again…I do mean that I feel as though i’ m in this perpetual loop of realization to fear to comfort to discomfort to realization to fear back to comfort…and so on.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks Craig, Maribeth and Anita for your replies.

Craig – I pondered your response for awhile.  I think I get it… let go of needing to ‘know’, get inside and the answers will come.  Thanks for that.

Maribeth – Thank you for your suggestion to attend Al anon.  I did attend a couple of meetings. Felt it out.  Felt that discomfort initially, questioning if I belong etc. And then saw a therapist to another therapist to it eventually ending. To now not really having any support and feeling a need for it.  You mentioned meditation and I’ve been on this brink of initiating my commitment to try meditating now for sometime.  I feel like I’m delaying thru research and reading books on it and googling and pod casts etc But not actually getting in there and getting dirty so to speak.  SO big SIGH I will get dirty.  Thanks xo

Anita – You mention aggression a couple of times and I’m thinking on that.  I’m also thinking about your reference to EAR.  the Assertiveness part in particular.  Thank you for the suggestion about ‘unlearning’ and ‘unknowing’ that has been a pretty big revelation for me recently.  Sometimes I feel so childlike in this adult body, you know to have a moment of … well gosh I just don’t know, or I’ve had it all wrong this whole time, or ‘has everyone else known this all along?’ and it makes me feel so vulnerable and a little down on myself…like ‘am I a slow learner or something?”