Forum Replies Created
May 3, 2017 at 8:27 am #147869
Whenever you are wanting to defend yourself – heal yourself instead. xoMay 3, 2017 at 8:24 am #147867
Sorry I meant Dear Joe! 🙂May 3, 2017 at 8:21 am #147865
Dear Jack – VJ’s response to your situation sums it up perfectly. I too want to pick up this book and will head out today to get it. I need this reminder every single day.
My advice to your situation is to meditate until you see your ego in this situation and when you do, you will no longer have a problem. It’s the life journey and so hard to do, GOOD LUCK.April 28, 2017 at 9:13 am #147129
Ask her to meet you where you have an opportunity to lay it all out there and tell her how you feel, how you’ve grown, etc. And then take it from there.
I agree with Anita, if you have changed the way you feel about her, personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought they could do better. I want someone who looks at me like I’m IT. good luckApril 28, 2017 at 8:56 am #147121
What do you want Dhragosh? Ask yourself honestly what do you want? Do you want her back? Or are you reacting to the rejection?
She’s young and yes hurt. But it appears that she at least knows her worth it seems… parting ways with someone who thought ‘he could do better’ than her…is a good move for her and you should let her go. Perhaps space and growth may bring you back together in time.April 28, 2017 at 6:59 am #147101
Thanks for your reply.
What I related to in the statement ‘one key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs’ … I saw that ‘typical codependent martyr like attitude’ in myself by putting my needs on hold (sacrificing my needs) and putting his needs ahead of my own in a sense – by not necessarily staying because it is my choice fully but putting that power in his hands because he needs me to stay and therefore I will but I’m not right and I’m not whole and I can’t bring myself to start a family in this circumstance but I must put my needs on hold, his needs are more important than my own.
Which is what I can now see is clearly faulty. Changing that pattern is the hard part.
And yes when I say try try again…I do mean that I feel as though i’ m in this perpetual loop of realization to fear to comfort to discomfort to realization to fear back to comfort…and so on.
Thanks for listening.April 25, 2017 at 12:49 pm #146707
That does make sense. Thanks Anita. I do have those moments and glimpses of reality. Which mostly I’ve been good at denying.
VJ – that quote seems perfectly fitting. I’ll pick up the book. Been meaning to read it.
I’ve been reading about codependency today and the following line struck me…
‘one key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs’ my initial reaction was denial and ‘extreme’? what constitutes extreme? until I had an OMG moment. … I’ve been totally ‘oh woe is me’ and have been stuck in this perpetual loop of ‘I can’t bring myself to start a family’ in this relationship YET I continue to stay in this relationship as is, not to try and fix it (or claim I don’t know how or its too hard) nor do I leave. This is another kick myself in the butt to get moving on working on me moment. I feel frustrated because I’ve been here before. Try TRY again.April 24, 2017 at 1:30 pm #146545
Thanks Craig, Maribeth and Anita for your replies.
Craig – I pondered your response for awhile. I think I get it… let go of needing to ‘know’, get inside and the answers will come. Thanks for that.
Maribeth – Thank you for your suggestion to attend Al anon. I did attend a couple of meetings. Felt it out. Felt that discomfort initially, questioning if I belong etc. And then saw a therapist to another therapist to it eventually ending. To now not really having any support and feeling a need for it. You mentioned meditation and I’ve been on this brink of initiating my commitment to try meditating now for sometime. I feel like I’m delaying thru research and reading books on it and googling and pod casts etc But not actually getting in there and getting dirty so to speak. SO big SIGH I will get dirty. Thanks xo
Anita – You mention aggression a couple of times and I’m thinking on that. I’m also thinking about your reference to EAR. the Assertiveness part in particular. Thank you for the suggestion about ‘unlearning’ and ‘unknowing’ that has been a pretty big revelation for me recently. Sometimes I feel so childlike in this adult body, you know to have a moment of … well gosh I just don’t know, or I’ve had it all wrong this whole time, or ‘has everyone else known this all along?’ and it makes me feel so vulnerable and a little down on myself…like ‘am I a slow learner or something?”