Thank you Anita. This is probably for the best. I was avoiding thinking about it recently but I will try to formulate some questions and get my feelings/thoughts organized.

He is supposed to help me move on Sunday. I will figure out how to ask him that day. I might ask my therapist if she has any ideas. If you have any ideas I would be open. Unfortunately I think he feels that what I have said about depression/anxiety/stress is an excuse? He did voice what if I work on things, we get back together and it goes right back to the way it was. I don’t think he fully trusts me and obviously having a new situation is really nice and is getting the attention I couldn’t give him. I jsut don’t know.

ugh. Just so complicated. I spent the past year stressing over how to get myself together to be a good financial companion, because this matter most to me. I was more worried about the future than I was about the present relationship. I had shit going on that kept me from acting like myself, which I didn’t realize until a couple weeks ago. I gave him too much space when things were bothering him. We both had a bad year. I acknowledged it more than he did. I didn’t want to blame everything on it but you can’t really plan for a pandemic or the issues we both faced during it.

I always imagined him in my future, but I knew we weren’t at a point for marriage or anything. And because he won’t just say no makes it hard to give up. I am going to need to talk to my therapist about it. I just thought when I reached out for those “no’s”, told him I would record it and have him block me, that he would want to do that.

He felt we were too different, I think the past 2 years stress/anxiety/depression caused me to turn in. We fell in love with what made us different. I guess I’m just getting mixed signals and I need him to just say “Hey, I broke up with you because I don’t want a future with you”, then I will say okay then no matter what changes or efforts that are put in, you don’t want this.

I guess this is mainly because all my issues that I never acknowledged affected my personality. He felt that our personalities didn’t mesh. I finally realized I haven’t been myself in awhile. I guess I would like him to shut the door because if he doesn’t partially feel the same way or feel like there is a way to make it better then I need to hear that and give up hope. If I didn’t have these issues going on I would have said fine, done, do what you want. The definite no would tell me to just give up all hope.

I guess that could be it. He did tell me he moved on fast to ignore the good feelings he had towards me. It seems to me she jumped on the opportunity. I told he it’s a yes or no answer. He felt like it was open ended. I just need straight forward answers because it leaves hope still there.

It’s hard advice. Hard to accept he would move on so fast to suppress his feelings for me. Hard to accept that we didn’t communicate the past year which really led to the downfall. Hard to let him go. Difficult to shake the feeling in my heart. I just don’t understand why he won’t say no. I don’t understand why he can’t give me definite answers. He is helping me move this weekend (as far as I know) so I guess I will just ask him to give me those “no’s” so I can remove that feeling from my heart.